"Wednesday," She Muttered Between Sobs

This guy doesn't own a car:

("I am not currently involved in an ownership situation with an automotive motoring vehicle.")

I do.

(My Pontiac Fiero.  Wanna race?)

Like many bike dorks, I've changed from my "street clothes" to my "Fred clothes" and vice-versa in or around my motor vehicle countless times.  I'm sure you've done it too.  Maybe you stand on an old towel.  Maybe you use a car floormat.  Maybe you do it bareback and you just put your feet right on the fucking ground.

Well, no matter how you've been "dropping trou" while carside, you're doing it wrong--unless you paid $89.99 for the Bontrager ECO changing mat, forwarded to me by a reader:

Step out of your dirty gear and into a fresh set of Skivvies using Bontrager's ECO Changing Mat. Stowed in your car until it's needed, this mat ensures a smooth transition from ride to drive, or can even double as a cycling-specific baby-changing mat. Like all ECO products, each article is unique using post-consumer vinyl such as cycling event banners.

Wow--ninety bucks to stand on some old garbage?  Just when you thought the bike industry couldn't treat you like any more of an idiot, here comes The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company to actually sell you their trash.  I admit I do like the little mesh pocket though.  See, sometimes when I'm driving home in my Fiero the smell of my dirty chamois overpowers me, and you don't want to crash a Fiero since the fiberglass body is liable to shatter.  So I figure if I stow my soiled gear in the ECO Changing Mat the post-consumer vinyl will do a better job of containing the "frumunda" fumes.

Word of warning though--the Bontrager ECO Changing Mat is NOT COMPATIBLE with gravel, so if you're driving your gravel bike to the big gravel grinder Filthy Kans-ass 400 or whatever it is and you need to stand on a gravel surface while changing you'll need the $349.99 Bontrager ECO Gravel Mat:

(A bunch of Bontrager ECO Gravel Mats)

Each Bontrager ECO Gravel Mat is made from drywall scraps salvaged from the most recent renovation of Trek President John Burke's mansion outside of Waterloo, WI, and it's guaranteed to protect your delicate little tootsies from the bumpy hurty gravel.

In other news, I recently received an email from a reader with the following subject:

"Didn't know if you had this pic of Cipo"

And attached to it was the following picture:

I actually did not have this picture.  However, I did a little research, and it turns out it's not a shoe advertisement.  It's actually an ad for Mario Cipollini's short-lived line of "ECO Sex Mats" made from post-consumer vinyl such as cycling event banners.  Here's Cipo about to give a batch of sex mats the old "field test:"

Say what you will about Mario Cipollini, but he's a man who stands behind his product--which is why you never, ever, ever want to bend over in his presence.

Speaking of gravel bikes (I was awhile ago, sort of) I noticed this in Brooklyn yesterday:

I don't know if it's technically a "gravel bike, "or an "endurance bike," or an "adventure all-road bike," or what, but whatever it is it's clear that the road-ish bike with wide clearances and dick breaks is here to stay, because once a bicycle appears on a Brooklyn bike rack with a tilted-down saddle then it's officially mainstream.  And you know what that means.  It means it's time to start the Target/Walmart Countdown Timer...

NOW!

Can you get a fixe at Target?  Yes, for under $60:

A 29er at Walmart?  Obviously:

A "32er?"  Sure.  Why the fuck not?

And how about a "fat bike?"  Well, no.

Sorry, I mean, yes!

Logically then the dick breaked gravel bike should be coming to your local big-box retailer in a matter of months, if indeed it isn't there already.

So if you see one let me know--and in the meantime I'll be out on my Tour de France Stage One Vintage Fixed Gear Bicycle if you need me.

Lastly, is there anything more American than the quest to put a stupid farty motor on a perfectly good bicycle?  And is there anything more irritating than the guy who waylays you and just goes on and on and on and on about nothing?  Well, this guy wants ten grand to do the first thing, but I'd pay him twice that if he'd just stop doing the second thing:

Oh, please.  Just pedal damn thing already.