If you answered, "Uhhh, I'm busy, Mom..." to any of these and then went back to your video game, Scion (Toyota's line of cars for young douchebags) has the sport coupe for you (via Twitter):
Yes, this is the car you need when you're "challenged by obstacles." And by "obstacles" they don't mean your mental handicap. No, by "obstacles" they mean cyclists:
"Faggy" cyclists wearing "Spandex" and Zach Galifianakis beards got you down? Simply grab your faux-crabon Phallo-matic™ shifter and experience the thrill of flirting with vehicular manslaughter:
(Scion: for douchebags who loved "The Fast and the Furious" but don't know how to drive stick.)
Then thrill to sensation of those 179 horses galloping under the hood, which is almost enough to make you forget you'll never know a lover's touch:
You'll arrive at the "boxing gym" in style and ready to go:
And by "ready to go" I mean "with a semi-erection in your Ed Hardy underpants."
Speaking of bikes and fighting, some "fitness guru" thinks that instead of bike share we should have mixed martial arts share:
Would you rather take your chances participating in a city-backed transportation program, or in an illegal cage fight?
Participate in an activity that was responsible for nearly 700 American deaths in 2011 alone, or an activity that has been responsible for eight or nine fatalities in the past 20 years?
The former options, and latter options, on both of these questions are one in the same: Nearly 700 Americans were killed in bicycle accidents in 2011 alone, and, at most, nine fighters have died from Mixed Martial Arts since 1993 (only three of which have resulted from legitimate, sanctioned bouts).
Is this guy actually comparing a widely used form of transportation to a competitive fighting discipline that appeals to people who drive Scions with automatics? Why? What does one have to do with the other? Do a lot of people wake up in the morning and ask themselves, "Hmmm, should I take the subway to work this morning, or should I just kung fu my way to the office? Well, statistically kung fu is safer so enter the dragon, motherfucker!" I mean, come on, it's not even apples and oranges. It's apples and space boogie disco monkeys
Still, I guess he thinks Citi Bike vs. mixed martial arts is a valid comparison since he's gotten hurt while doing both:
As someone who values science, statistics and data, and who has been hit by cars while biking, by bikes while walking and by punches in the ring, I can tell you that I would rather take my chances with the latter any day. Unfortunately those in New York City walking, biking and commuting to work don't have this choice. They'll simply have to trust that Citi Bike and City government has their best interests at heart, m'kay?
Look, I support his assertion that mixed martial arts should be legal. After all, douchebags need entertainment too. Still, he should really be careful, because he's one punch away from hitting "Full Rabinowiz" on the Scale of Dementia:
("Hello? Yeah, actually, my refrigerator is running, thanks for letting me know!")
As for the high valuation he places on science, clearly that's something he shares in common with the Insane Clown Posse.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll see douchebags.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always wear your helment when martial arting to work.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
--Performing an advanced Dutch bike freestyle move called "Threading the Flagel"
2) In a hard-hitting story on cycling fashion, the New York Times reveals that:
--Walking shoes make good riding shoes
--Something about flip-flops and Dairy Queen
--Wrestling with a Citi Bike is a great way to work your muscles
--All of the above
(Helments: the new underpants?)
3) In what will surely be the biggest boon to helment sales since Freds started falling for the whole "you need to replace it every two years or it goes bad" thing, a hard-hitting New York Times story reveals that, “Similar to a handbag or shoes, you don’t necessarily have to wear the same helmet every day.”
4) Seriously, a fucking crib at brunch?
5) How much does money someone on Kickstarter want in order to build a panda out of bike tires?
--No money, just bamboo
(So can you get out of a sidewalk ticket by arguing that it's technically a stroller?)
6) According to the Wall Street Journal, cargo bikes are:
--"The new station wagon"
--"The new SUV"
--"The new smugness"
--"Begriming the city's most beautiful neighborhoods"
***Special "USA: We Still Got it!" Inspirational Bonus Video***