Riding Roughshod: The Game Is A Foot

Omigod I'm so HILAROUIOUS!  I wrote this funny thing for the magazine "Bicycling," and you can read all about it here:

(I didn't draw that though.)

Oh, the laughter.  Somebody make it stop!  I think I sprained my scranus.

Speaking of HILLARY-ASS-ness, you know what's funny?  When motorists shoot at cyclists!



The above was forwarded to me by a reader who is friends with the cyclist, and I'd like to send that cyclist both a virtual "high-five" and a great big e-Mazel Tov for still being alive.  Also, I was amazed to see that the Sacramento police were actually willing to hang around and search for the bullet.  If it happened here they'd have said "I don't see nothing" and then ticketed the cyclist for not wearing a helment while standing within 15 feet of his bicycle on the sidewalk.

Speaking of sidewalk riding, there was some debate in the comments on yesterday post regarding the egregiousness of engaging in it, and I'll point to Leroy's as being perhaps the most salient among them.

I am staunchly against riding on the sidewalk...however, I'm less staunchly against it the further from the "urban core" you get.  Here's the city in which I live in (in):

For the most part, it's stupid to ride a bike on the sidewalk in a lot of the blue part, where it looks like this:

It's also pretty stupid to ride on the sidewalk in a lot of the the other parts that are fairly close to the blue part, "schluffing" notwithstanding:

(Remember schluffing?)

However, once you start getting out towards the more suburban edges of the city, where David Byrne and the forces of gentrification fear to tread, and you're dwarfed by multi-lane arteries and speeding cars and there's little if any bike infrastructure, and you don't see other cyclists for several hours at a time, and there are hardly any pedestrians, the situation changes considerably:

Basically, the more car-centric it is, the less I give a fuck about what you want me to do.

Seems fair to me.

[Here's an easy rule of thumb to follow: if you see an Applebee's, a T.G.I. Friday's, an Outback Steakhouse, an Olive Garden, and a Costco within one square mile of each other, feel free to sidewalk away--though sadly and ironically, much of Manhattan now very nearly qualifies.]

And yeah, obviously don't ride on the sidewalk where there are schoolkids, elderly people, invalids, endangered species, frail and brittle Dorothy Rabinowitz-like creatures, and so forth and so on blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, bikes have taken the pages of the New York Times Style section by expensive, color-coordinated storm.  Firstly, it would appear that the city's fashionistas are positively baffled as to what you should wear on your feet while riding a Citi Bike:

Now that bike sharing is sweeping New York, what to wear on your foot? As Ms. Steiber can testify, this is not a trivial question. The correct shoe can make biking more efficient and reduce stress on the knees, shins and feet. The serious bike shoe with cleats that click into the pedals gives cyclists the feeling of being one with their steeds. But the new program’s 45-pound bike is harder to wrangle, and is not made for cleats.

Are you telling me I'm the only person who swaps out the pedals for clipless before un-docking a Citi Bike?  I refuse to believe it.

Some New Yorkers have been channeling junior high, when flip-flops were de rigueur for cycling to the swimming pool or the Dairy Queen. Many have reached for their Converse All-Stars.

I was unable to relate to a single one of those supposedly quintessential junior high experiences.  What the hell's a "Dairy Queen?"  I should add that to my list of establishments that means it's OK to ride on the sidewalk.

But other users of this program are doggedly searching for the ultimate bike shoe, one promising performance as well as versatility to travel from bike to boardroom, cubicle or cocktail party, without making it obvious how you got there. It is bad enough having to carry an extra bag to the office for the switch from walking shoes to work shoes. What woman in her right mind wants to start carrying three bags: one for lipstick, keys, wallet and baby wipes (to pat down after a sweaty bike ride); a second for sneakers; and a third for bike shoes?

Seriously?  It's a Citi Bike, you ride it for like ten minutes.  It requires less effort than walking up the steps from the subway station.  Just take off your shoes, but them in the little basket, and ride it barefoot if you have to.

But things really start getting good when they move on to the men:

Nicolas Cheung, 22, on his way from 47th Street to Fulton Street to visit a friend (“20 minutes,” he boasted), chose high-top sneakers bearing a Lacoste crocodile label. “This bicycle is really hard to ride,” he said, explaining his preference for athletic shoes while wrestling the blue bike. “It works your muscles. It’s really heavy.”

You're not supposed to wrestle the fucking thing, Nicolas, you're supposed to ride it!

And once the bike wrestling starts it's only a matter of time before things got anal.  Artis-anal, that is:

Through word of mouth, some cyclists have found their way to artisanal shoe shops, like Shoe, at 247 Mulberry Street, or No. 6, near the old police building at Centre Market Place. At Shoe, the proprietor, Leila Mae Makdissi, said the Cydwoq brand leather shoes, handmade in California, are designed for walking. But customers have discovered that the steel shank and rubber traction are good for bike riding, too. “Our customer is urban, urban, urban,” Ms. Makdissi said.

Wow, Ms. Makdissi's customers are douches, douches, douches.

Though I suppose the steel shank comes in handy when you stomp the shit out of the Citi Bike after wrestling it to the ground.

I do admit though that the idea a walking shoe might also work for riding a bike totally blew my mind.

Anyway, the whole article is completely moot, since the ideal Citi Bike footwear is obviously a Maxwell Smart shoe phone so you can call your lawyer after they throw you in jail for riding on the sidewalk:

("Would you believe...schluffing?")

And the Style section isn't stopping at the feet.  It's also giving you head, thanks to this bold piece on bicycle helments:

“I like to call it ‘chic cycling,’ where a man or woman dons an edgy helmet to express their personal style,” said Jessica Kaplan, an editor for activewear at Stylesight, a trend-forecasting company. Along with metallic finishes and innovative shapes like those resembling hats or equestrian helmets, she said, “I’m seeing directional prints like polka dots, leopard and tartan that are essentially mimicking runway and streetwear trends.”

Yeah, stop kidding yourself.  They all look stupid, and the slideshow proves it:

That helment looks like Spider-Man's scrotum.

And if all that weren't enough, you can even submit a photo of your "bike style:"

Done, and done:

Notice she had no problem choosing a pair of shoes.