Thursday, May 30, 2013

Warning: Harmful If Swallowed. When Reading, Keep Blog Away From Neck And Face. Contains Less Than 1% Fruit Juice.

So I finally broke my New York City bike share cherry--and I mean that literally, since the tires are inflated to about a million PSI (or [whothefuckevenknows] bar) and it was not exactly "vertically compliant" on the cobblestones of DUMBO, so I think I exploded my vaginal corona.

I felt like a can of house paint on a mixing machine.

Of course, even though I'd used the same bike share system in other cities, I still studied up before using it here by reading--what else?--the newbie's bible, "Bicycling" magazine:

How gross are the public saddles—should I bring sanitizer?

Treat them like a yoga mat or exercise bike at the gym. “A quick wipedown with antimicrobial wipes is never a bad idea,” says cyclist and sports science professor Steven M. Zinder, PhD, of UNC-Chapel Hill. But, he adds, there’s no reason to freak out. Washing your hands and your bike clothes will likely suffice. 

Actually, no New Yorker asks this question.  That's because we ride the subway, where there's a 99% chance the previous occupant of your seat was a homeless person who just shat himself.  (This is why giving your seat to pregnant women or the elderly is not quite as genteel as it may seem.)  Sure, it's pretty easy for some bike share hater to booby-trap the saddle with a turd, but given the relatively small surface area compared to a subway seat I gotta say I like those odds.

Still, that's not going to stop me from launching a Kickstarter for bike-specific "ass gaskets" and marketing them to the corner delis.

Here's another good question:

Will I be publicly mocked for riding this blue beast around town?

While the Citi Bike doesn’t take style cues from Bianchi or CervĂ©lo, the only unsolicited feedback we received while riding the Citi Bike was packed with the sort of enthusiasm you’d expect from the prospect of free ice cream. 

Respectfully I disagree.  You will look like a complete idiot riding around in your street clothes at a leisurely pace--unlike the graceful exemplars of velocipedal style who ride Bianchis:

I actually rolled up next to this person while riding the Citi Bike yesterday, and any lingering sense of shame I might have been experiencing for riding 50lbs of corporate branding was instantly banished to the same far-off realm in which his shirt resides.

But, you know, at least he's wearing a helment.

Anyway, for those of you still doubting the efficacy of this program, I'd like to reiterate how incredibly convenient it is--FOR ME.  Without giving too much of my private life away, once a week I must travel from Lob's Country where I live now to DUMBO in Brooklyn, and if you absolutely have to know the reason for this journey let's just say I have a standing appointment for a Brazilian scranus waxing there.

Aren't you sorry you asked?

(And if you want the name of the absolute best Brazilian scranus waxer this side of the Mississipi click here, I won't judge.)

According to a popular Internet mapping application, this trip is something like 17 miles (or 346 bar) each way, and there are three primary ways to undertake it:

--By bike
--By subway train
--By driving THE CAR THAT I OWN

Well, we can cross driving THE CAR THAT I OWN right off the list, since barring the sort of extenuating circumstances that might require me to do so (like, I don't know, David Byrne left the lights of his Hyundai on and he needs a jump) it's silly to drive to Brooklyn during the week because it's a major pain in the ass.

As for the bike, I'll often opt for that.  However, in New York City riding a bike is way faster than the subway--to a point.  After a certain distance, the subway (assuming it's running properly, which is a big ass) is probably going to win.  What that distance actually is differs from rider to rider, but generally for me, riding at a fairly leisurely commuting pace and loosely following traffic laws, it's somewhere around 10 miles:

Wait, I think I messed that up.  I think the red should be the biek and the green should be the subway.

Aw, fuck it.

In any case, the long ride to DUMBO is nice.  I can take greenways, if I feel like it I can putz around Central Park laughing at Freds for a bit, and so forth.  But if I'm in a rush, or I'm going to be coming home really late, or it's disgusting out (I'm well past the age at which I feel it's necessary to ride 17 miles in shitty weather) I'll just take the subway.

But the problem with the subway train is that shitty DUMBO only has the shitty F train, which for me involves one of those shitty transfers where you have to walk a million miles underground.  Moreover, you have to make the transfer via the L train platform, and if you're unfamiliar with New York the L train has officially become the "hipster express" and watching an L train barf its quasi-lumberjacks and nouveaux yuppies onto the platform makes me want to barf as well.

The other option is taking a train that doesn't involve the long and nauseating switch, but that leaves me with a lengthy walk once I got to Brooklyn.  And don't even talk to me about the bus.  Plus, no matter what train I take, I don't have a bike with me once I get there--unless I schlep the folding bike.  That solves the transfer problem and the walking problem.  But now I don't even have to do that, because check out this shit:

Walk outside, yank a bike out of the dock, ride it to where I have to go in about eight minutes, dock it again, and forget about it.

See, that's what I'm talking about--ME, and this additional layer of almost gratuitous convenience that saves ME a very tiny handful of effort and time.

This is why the antagonism towards the program is so absurd, since every spoiled pain in the ass in this town who likes to complain about his or her commute (which is pretty much everybody) should be celebrating this thing!

Best of all, the bikes come with a clever little "easter egg:"

If you place your bare scranus on the cockpit-mounted rule slab, a hologram of Mayor Bloomberg and Janette Sadik-Khan "Frenching" is suddenly projected from the basket.

Don't ask me how I figured that out.

What the Citi Bikes don't seem to have though are bells, which are technically required by law, so I guess the plan is to make the program massively successful and then kill it in one fell swoop with the single biggest bicycle ticketing blitz in the history of humankind.

As for my commute, it all went to shit anyway in the end due to a train derailment, so I suppose I just should have ridden my bike anyway.

Lastly, I was quoted in the eleventy millionth bike share article to date, though they edited out all my mentions of my "scranus:"


Meanwhile, in componentry news, Stevil Kinevil of All Black The Hail Market has informed me that a team of Israeli scientists have now made it possible to give yourself a facial as you ride:

The device is as elegantly-designed and lightweight as it is hilarious:
(When cycling through occupied territories, replace water with tear gas and orient sprayer away from face.)

Though, like everything else in the bike industry, this has been done before.  Anybody remember Shimano's short-lived "Clown Drive" XTR upgrade?

Of course you do.

So what's the matter?  You don't want to donate money to hilarious crowd-sourcing campaigns?  Well, how about depressing ones?  This guy wants $5,000 to ride from Seattle to New Jersey and talk to people about how lonely he is:

This has got to be one of the saddest things I've ever seen.  Basically, he's starting in Seattle, which is a rain-soaked city full of heroin addicts, and finishing in New Jersey.  New Jersey.  He's going to go all the way across the country and he's not even going to finish in New York City?  That's like breaking into the Guggenheim and stealing a free map of the museum.

But don't worry, your money is safe with him, since he'll keep writing even if he's mauled by a bear:

Beyond funding, a big risk of my project is getting hurt on the bike trip. I have many many years experience with bicycling and have recently signed up to take a wilderness first-aid course in preparation. Unless I am horrifically maimed, I still anticipate being able to write.

This guy does not need $5,000.  This guy needs a hug.


RB1 said...


CapitalistPoet said...

Poo Die Yum?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


Anonymous said...

Top 10 Cleveland! Yeah!

CommieCanuck said...

That's why I always lick saddles and subway seats, just to make sure before sitting on them.

Jan! said...

I'll just state the blatantly obvious: that Kickstarter guy needs a bear hug.

theEel said...


theEel said...


CommieCanuck said...


wishiwasmerckx said...

Rounding out the top ten?

Anonymous said...


Logbig said...


mrmcd said...

the citibikes do have bells actually. They're hidden under the left handlebar. Just rub the magic wheel and the bike emits an asthmatic half ding that will alert absolutely no one.

Anonymous said...

"...the tires are inflated to about a million PSI..."

Is it impossible to take a little air out of the tires? Are the valve stems locked? Do people in NYC steal air?

JB said...

Hi guys, and gals.

ChamoisJuice said...

100% fruit juice!

James said...


Anonymous said...

Is the plural of scranus 1) scranus 2) scranuses 3) scranii 4) something else?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Scranus wax sanitizer.

DerZoots said...

Top Twoonty againsa!?


desolate extsndu

DerZoots said...

@ Anon 12:08

I think we need consult a Scrantologist for the proper usage.

nighus MEET
& there be yer not a robot proofs.

Fritz said...

Permatex liquid Ass Gaskets...when only the best will do

babble on said...

I need a hug, too. I can't find my vaginal corona... !! :S

CommieCanuck said...

"Just rub the magic wheel and the bike emits an asthmatic half ding that will alert absolutely no one."

Reminds me of an old girlfriend.

JB said...

Whatever the green line is takes 120 minutes to go 0 miles and 15 minutes to go 20 miles.

You are looking for two lines that are both going up and to the right at slightly different angles, like slightly opened scissors.


Comment deleted said...

I did *not* know that vaginae have coronae.

Nor did I ever envision typing that sentence.

CommieCanuck said... need to wear these shorts.

CommieCanuck said...

I forgot to add this.

Anonymous said...

I think you meant rods... 17 miles is 5440 rods...

DerZoots said...

CommieCanuck - That's one of those odd "women in bike kits with the wrong bicycle" photos.

Like the neoning of the green.

Nice smiles too.

Forget that shit Haro though.

Non-robtron proofings - dsentsT was

Tom said...

That facial device really, really does look like a sex toy.

Anonymous said...

Dear me, I laughed at today's. L trains barfing lumberjacks!

P.S. I thought I heard a bell sound emanating from one of these things. Is it BYOB?

Anonymous said...

$95 a year to ride a bike 8 minutes twice a week when you have 10 bikes at home including the folding clown bike that you purchased just for this type of train/bike commute. Interesting.

Anonymous said...

appreciate the mention of occupied territories. I think the full term is "Illegally occupied by Israel Palestinian territories" though. just to be clear. I'm also making no assumption about your politics...

McFly said...

I think that's a marble rye from Schnitzer's on that bike share station.

Q: Does the NYC Bike Share operate on the "honor system?"

A: Yes it does. As in, "Your Honor, I swear i was gonna bring it back."

Anonymous said...

Bell on left handle bar

JB said...

The bell has been implanted in NYers lungs by one of Mayor Bloomberg's goons while you all were sleeping. It will ring after you scream "Get the fuck out of my goddamned way, asswipe!!"

If it doesn't work, keep trying, you may need to blow the fluid out of it.

The King of Park Slope said...

Well he's sure as fuck not getting a hug from me.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:53pm,

1) I expect to use the Citi Bike more often than that, this is but one example of the convenience.

2) I didn't actually purchase the folding bike. I mean, honestly, I'm not as stupid as I look.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

A handful of time is best used with a handful of slime.

Anonymous said...

One can get the scranus over the rules slab with the elephant trunk maneuver.

Anonymous said...

A large amount of scranus - Scranton

yibbs said...

Lonely Bicycle Guy needs to stop smacking his lips. Smacking lips breeds loneliness.

Anonymous said...

Never mind the bears, I hope the lonely cyclist makes it through the plains states...."Oh bury me not in the lone prairie, these words came slow, and mournfully..."

McFly said... have a "standing appointment" once a week? Is it a therapist or a hooker? Or a hooker that looks like Lorraine Bracco and plays a therapist? Either way. Nice.


Anonymous said...

Riding a Surly made by Quantity Bicycle Profits does that to people.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:05pm:

"Is it impossible to take a little air out of the tires? Are the valve stems locked? Do people in NYC steal air?

Nitrogen, not air, you peasant:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

awww... can we do a hugstarter for the guy?

Anonymous said...

Us peasants think air is around 79% nitrogen already. But it’s a free county; anyone can get themselves stuck up over not having the other 21%+/- if they want.

B'Weiser Clydesdales said...

Your exploding "vaginal corona", was the detonation caused by a can of PBR in there?

Anonymous said...

Loved the slo-mo money shot at about 1:16 in the facial vid.

And lonely guy did not at all inspire me to give him money.

"First prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits!"

Dooth said...

Ejaculating handlebars! An invention whose time has come.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

NY citibike bicycle thief nabbed

-via nydailynews

There's a joke in there somewhere but I can't find it.

CommieCanuck said...

Well..according to that photo, short people ride Citi Bikes. Must be a Napoleon complex.

McFly said...

YO RCT nice podio. I am taking the high road on the auto-facial bar set-up. It's got Peyronie's Disease anyway. Google it.

Anonymous said...

Q. Why doesn't bigfoot have hairballs?

A. He gets a brazilian

dcee604 said...

That kickstarter guy asked me to tell my friends? Ha! I don't have any...since I'm a loner. Why doesn't he give me money instead.

Roille Figners said...

Q: "How gross are the public saddles?"

A: The thing's been open for like, 5 minutes, so not very gross.

Q: "Will I be publicly mocked for riding this blue beast around town?"

A: You write for Bicycling don't you?

Q: "Yeah, how'd you know?"

A: Never mind.

babble on said...


Turns out I'm invisible. For real. Just rode the eighth ave gauntlet-of-doom-bike-route, and damned if anyone can see me.

Cheers, Commie. Maybe those dayglo green shorts are the thing after all...!

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

Worrying about what system to use for tyre pressure (British spelling) is so overblown. It's psi for me Bar none.

leroy said...

Second Avenue commute home last night.

Citi Bike behind me.

Guy calls out: "Make way for Citi Bike!" and spent a few blocks extolling the virtues of bike share.

Smug? A little. But so what.

He had the same dumb grin everyone has on a new bike.

Doesn't matter if it's Citi Bike, a Rivendell, or a Crabon Fibre special; bikes make people happy.

The rest is just gravy.

leroy said...

I feel stupid
And contagious.
Gotta go now
Wax my scranus.

Vegas said...

Sounds like Teen Spirit.

Someones pleez tell me how many shots of to-kill-ya does that Q-FOG sprayer hold? Asking for a friend.

donetwn cause
I am the NEXUS 1
I want more life, fucker...I ain't done.

Anonymous said...


Don't ever ride the 17 miles to future appointments. Think of the poor Brazilians -- even the most agreeable scranus will be a tad piquant after that much saddle time.

If you must ride the 17 miles, you could at least refashion that facial device into a scranal freshener.

That simple courtesy that will maintain cordial relations between Brazilia and America.

hcdr said...

I spent many trips thinking the left side of the handle bar had a sebaceous cyst before trying to squeeze it and realizing it was actually a bell.

Blow my Aoooogahh said...

CITI BIKES def have bells BRO Snob. ARE YOU CRAZY? WTF! The bell is under the left grip. It is a rotating type, you spin it around and it makes click click click! It's not effective but nor is it irritating like the big chrome ding dong bells all the pedicabs use. Freakin jerkoffs.

.s.s. said...

Citibikes gots teh bells

DerZoots said...

Holy Fucken shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The "urban rider" in the QFOG Bar mister lever trigger promo video is an associate of mines!.
The bicycle pond is a small one for sure.

True story.
Back when the PistaDex and Chris King Composite Index?,I thinks, were regulars Snobby grabbed a screen shot of CK headsets on the ebays and my auction was featured in the infographic.
I was excited needless to say.
But not half as excited as I am now!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
I know the "urban rider"!
Good thing I didn't see that at work today. I wouldn't have shut up about it.
MOar weeds.

To satisfy the robot overlords with conformation of my organic composition. ----- out onicMob

Now to watch bear hug victim video.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing you go to DUMBO twice a week to either feed your chickens or check on your beehives.

paulb said...

I'm well past the age of enjoying any time spent on the subway, and happy I can use the bike, even in disgusting weather.

babble on said...

Me, too. :)

McFly said...

Dangit Babble, do not torture your pussy by locking it away in a cage. Set it free. Set it free.

babble on said...

But I heard sometimes a little bondage is good for the soul...

Roille Figners said...


babble on said...

Yes. :)

Anonymous said...


balls™ said...

Why the late posting today? Is Snobby having his scranus waxed?

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.

Anonymous said...

346 bars in 17 miles? Party town!

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Amanda said...

This is cool!

Anonymous said...