Here's how it works. First, you wake up and drink a fuckload of coffee:
Then, you get on your fixie and start skidding around Vilnius or wherever:
Then, because you drank all that coffee without waiting to go to the bathroom, you soil yourself while straining to lock up your rear wheel:
Of course, soiling yourself in public is a traumatic experience, which is why the inventor then fills an entire room with schematics and prototypes for what is essentially just a big long stick:
After which he just says, "Fuck it, I'll wear a hazmat suit instead:"
But while the hazmat suit is far more effective than a filth prophylactic when it comes to protecting you from debris, it really doesn't solve the whole soiling yourself problem. So now he and his hair want you to invest in a non-edible Fruit Roll-Up:
Oh, also, starting this Saturday, be sure to visit the Rivendell pop-up store in San Francisco:
(This will explain everything.)Be there, or be a Fred.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a triathlete doing what they do best.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and avoid altercations with bears.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(A team of medical experts works to remove Bradley Wiggins's unfortunate shoulder tattoo.)
1) Bradley Wiggins will not defend his Tour de France title this season due to a:
2) Fred Rodrigues attributes his recent National Championship win to:
--His uncanny resemblance to Salman Rushdie
3) This device is called the:
4) Jimmy Carter always rides with a handlebar-mounted facial cooling system.
5) George W. Bush refers to his group of riders as:
--"The He-Man Woman Hater's Club"
(Dayglo Abortions: Second-most popular Canadian rock band after Rush.)
6) Ronald Reagan embodied the Rivendell aesthetic before there even was a Rivendell aesthetic.
(Mmm, burned steak...)
7) A SoHo woman is protesting a Citi Bike station by:
--Chaining herself to it
--Displaying well-proportioned naked people next to it, and if that doesn't work, dying
***Special Bonus Soothing Lego Bike Video***