Friday, May 31, 2013

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Remember when elaborate blinky lights were the hottest thing on Kickstarter?  Yes, for awhile there it seemed as though every would-be inventor was marketing some sort of sleek metal flashing suppository.  Times change, however, and now everybody's moved on to retractable filth prophylactics.    First there was the Plume, which used cutting-edge slap bracelet technology.  (To say nothing of the integrated slap bracelet/light.)  Now, there's Musguard, which despite the name is not actually a sprayable moose repellent:

Here's how it works.  First, you wake up and drink a fuckload of coffee:

Then, you get on your fixie and start skidding around Vilnius or wherever:

Then, because you drank all that coffee without waiting to go to the bathroom, you soil yourself while straining to lock up your rear wheel:

Of course, soiling yourself in public is a traumatic experience, which is why the inventor then fills an entire room with schematics and prototypes for what is essentially just a big long stick:

After which he just says, "Fuck it, I'll wear a hazmat suit instead:"

But while the hazmat suit is far more effective than a filth prophylactic when it comes to protecting you from debris, it really doesn't solve the whole soiling yourself problem.  So now he and his hair want you to invest in a non-edible Fruit Roll-Up:

The end.

Oh, also, starting this Saturday, be sure to visit the Rivendell pop-up store in San Francisco:

(This will explain everything.)
Be there, or be a Fred.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a triathlete doing what they do best.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and avoid altercations with bears.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

(A team of medical experts works to remove Bradley Wiggins's unfortunate shoulder tattoo.)

1) Bradley Wiggins will not defend his Tour de France title this season due to a:

--Knee injury
--Hip injury
--Back injury
--Cunt injury

2) Fred Rodrigues attributes his recent National Championship win to:

--His uncanny resemblance to Salman Rushdie

3) This device is called the:

--Spritz-O-Tron 9000

4) Jimmy Carter always rides with a handlebar-mounted facial cooling system.


5) George W. Bush refers to his group of riders as:

--"Peloton One"
--"Juan Pelota"
--"The He-Man Woman Hater's Club"
--"Team Douche"

(Dayglo Abortions: Second-most popular Canadian rock band after Rush.)

6) Ronald Reagan embodied the Rivendell aesthetic before there even was a Rivendell aesthetic.


(Mmm, burned steak...)

7) A SoHo woman is protesting a Citi Bike station by:

--Chaining herself to it
--Displaying well-proportioned naked people next to it, and if that doesn't work, dying

***Special Bonus Soothing Lego Bike Video***


Comment deleted said...

Keeping the ass-monkeys at bay for over a fiftieth of a century...

Anonymous said...


Roille Figners said...

All right, way get them balls scratched, them sweatpants on, and that blog updated befo' dinna-time!

Anonymous said...

Top 10 Cleveland Yeah!

Yarpo said...

Twats & Waffles! Both great with maple syrup.

Marcel Da Chump said...

No Musguard Love.

RoadQueen said...


Logbig said...


Anonymous said...

Whoa! TOP X?

Yarpo said...

5thst Place? Looking Carlos Betancur but feeling Gorka Verdugo, for sure.

used thanks, I prefer mine new, out of the box.

Perrico Delgado said...

I need a cuntcicle. It's farging hot!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

just missed top diez!

balls™ said...

Do all tri-dorks over inflate their tires? Why would you want to further torture your scranus like that?

Buffalo Bill said...

I could use some sprayable moose repellent, old bullwinkle can be a real pain sometimes.

Strangely the wrong answer video makes you watch over a minute of boring riding, but ends when the crying and excuses were just getting started.

parma bundeli - robot lunch?

Anonymous said...

Fo shizzle, my zizzle.

3G said...

top 20. my knee hurts.

ChamoisJuice said...

Lego Bike reminds me of a collabo of your finest work:

Kludgie X Highly Specialized

babble on said...

Wow! Great minds think alike and fools seldom differ, and all that...
there's a photo of my splatterbutt posted online today, too!

ChamoisJuice said...

Oh, Vancouver.....

I'm guessing these folks are on the gluten free X backyard chicken coop fads as well

Dirk Woudmann Staplekampp said...

Shouldn't you people be working?

Yarpo said... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The graffiti sucks too.

Protesting with Semi-Nude Drawing, now THAT'S an agent for change! Didn't the Vietnam War end because the nationwide Semi-Nude Drawing Classes of Protest drove the Nixon Administration to it's knees? Those Citi-Bike stations are dooooooooomed!

Doomed like the concept of the Frozen Toaster Twat Waffle. If I can get some Kickfarter funding going, just maybe...but Amer-ka may not be redy for it yet.

BikeSnobNYC said...


These are the same people who don't understand the idea of sprocket tooth count and when you ask them what gear they're riding in they answer, "sixth."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DerZoots said...

I work with idiots.
These people are in need of throttling.
Or I am in need of them being throttled?
Either way they need to go. As in exiting existence.

There is only SO much bullshit a DeRosa can dissipate with its magical ride qualities.

I need and idiot damper. Now is that a baseball bat or sledge hammer?

Fuck off robots - day eredniSm

mikeweb said...

I needed to be soothed this Friday like that. Lego? Lego my ass...

And yeah, 140psi is great if you're Nelson Vails. On. The. Track.

Comment deleted said...

Thanks for ass-sharing your splatter-butt, Babs.

We call that the "Freshman Stripe" here at UCD, because our intelligent young students figure out the utility of filth prophylactics pretty quickly.

Anonymous said...

that Legoo bike is a damn fixedee. What happens when I need to climb a fucking Lego mountain? I needs some gears

detbat Knt.

JB said...

Are we suppposed to know the tooth count of each of our sprockets/rings?

Uh oh. I may be able to guess correctly on one of my front rings.

mikeweb said...


I know that the higher the front number and the lower the back number means you're supposed to be able to go faster.

leroy said...

Aced the quiz except for the bike share protest.

I just didn't think anyone was really that crazy.

My dog says I'm naive that way.

Oh well, ride joyfully all!

McFly said...

Speaking of soiling one's self, it's official...I cannot pedal a bike and cut a fart at the same time.
I tried again yesterday and clinched up and about blew the nose off my right cleat. I really would like to master the Pedal Fart. I realize I can just freewheel and crop dust, but it's just not Pro(tm) enough for my tastes.

ChamoisJuice said...

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

ChamoisJuice said...

Name is relevant ^^^^^

ChamoisJuice said...

Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiam, streaming for free. Such a deal at twice the price!

Roille Figners said...

I love YouTube's frame-by-frame preview feature - just skim through the triathlete video until you see the horizon stop being horizontal. (Since we all know what triathletes are good at, and really only want to see that part (Which for some reason needs to be preceded by a full minute-and-a-half of boring (Which maybe they thought was "spare" and "economical" compared to the 60 minutes of riding they were GONNA bore us with)(or maybe it's just a defensive message to the world, to remind us that "yeah sure crashes are fun to watch, but don't forget that for every 5 seconds I spend crashing, I spend a full minute-and-a-half riding successfully" (which would fit nicely with the defensive vibe created by making sure to blame the crash on tire pressure instead of "pilot error" (as we know it is

mostsim are

) ) ) ) )

mikeweb said...


You can tell that guy is the real deal, because he knows that the Mt. Fuji ninja academy is actually inside the mountain, not just on it.

ChamoisJuice said...

The other thing triathletes are good at....

SheldonBrown'sGhost'sAssistant said...

Tooth count doesn't take into account wheel size and development doesn't consider crank length.

What you should be using is gain ratio.

Roille Figners said...

Ah I see Buffalo Bill already touched on my point. But I have more parentheses.

Babble that ass is nowhere near as splattered as it's gonna be if I ever get near it.

"Tits are for kids, but the ass is still dad's."

Hmm I think I might be HO-NAY today.

When people ask what gear I'm in, I'm basically dumbstruck because A)WHY DO THEY CARE? and B) I DON'T KNOW.
Just look how fast I'm pedaling and how fast I'm going, and estimate.

"Do I have to lie down to use this ear medicine?"
"Yes, you should always use

erdrops inclinant

McFly said...

Dang Babs is Dat Ass always Dat Wet?
Somebody needs to put out your fire.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wow, a constructive contribution from CJ! Who knew he had it in him?

Male or female, if your 40th birthday is well in the rear-view mirror, you already leak pee on yourself all of the time anyways, but the concept of purposefully pissing all over my carefully-curated bike is more than I can bear.

That's just disgusting. Does urea delaminate carbon fiber?

Do they recommend pissing all over your partner as a training method to lose your shyness about it?

Every time you go to overtake another triathlete and they hit a bump, are you showered in newly-dislodged piss that was up til then clinging to their bike?

Pathetic doesn't begin to describe this one. It's actually sub-human.

Anonymous said...

Something about the nude models pictured in that story and the suggestion that they get their taints all over the Citibikes has me all riled up.

Dooth said...

Dubya is undoubtedly a BSNYCRTMSWCRM follower...might just be the leader of the ass monkeys.

ChamoisJuice said...

I always told myself that pissing on yourself is for winners and fast guys.

Google "pissing triathlete" no shortage of material...

I once read a "Bicycling Mag" style HOW-TO piss yourself in a triathlon. There were like 5 steps????

I threw in a funny NY jew link JUST FOR YOU, ya Tipesh!

Bikesnob did an OK job today, but it would be a lot better with more Yiddish and more insulting funny bikes.

CommieCanuck said...

"I always told myself that pissing on yourself is for winners and fast guys."

EXACTLY, which is why Warren Buffet always stakes out a corner in the board room and pisses on it. After a hostile takeover, he drops a big deuce on the board table. I read this in Cigar Affectionado, so its true.

Without BuySomething magazine, I never would have figured out to point it DOWN when urinating.

CommieCanuck said...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Does urea delaminate carbon fiber?

Yes, it does, which is why the hottest trend in custom frames today is aluminum, or porcelain, as the French call it, "le monocoque bidet", or the single chicken pisser*.

* Google translate

ChamoisJuice said...


You don't know what the fuck you're talking aboot.

Comment deleted said...

"The toilet weighs in at 10.9 lbs, about 40 lbs lighter than your standard toilet."

It *will* help you go faster.

CJ, quit the "jew" thing, alright? It isn't funny.

Charlie Didrickson said...

I just knew someone would one day design a fender, I just knew it.

crosspalms said...

I think I need more presidents on bikes.

Especially if they're riding hand-built

entsBnm frames

Anonymous said...

By the looks of that moosefender guy's sketchbook, he spends more time doodling logos than product development. Perhaps that is more essential when asking people for money in the douchiverse.

babble on said...

CJ -C'mon. You're nearly local. You know in this neck of the woods that photo would only be noteworthy if everyone in it were nude.

And Mikeweb: You need soothing? You've got it all backward.

Repeat after me:

DON'T LEGO MY EGGO! Hang on tight cause you're in for the ride of your life.

Always remember:

Beauty is in the eye of the butt-holder.

Anonymous said...

Pissing on the bike, I always knew there was something rather infantile about triathletes. Reminds me of my bike shop days. We had a large contingent of trigeek customers who brought their bikes in for every little problem. (one guy just couldn't bring himself to learn to change flats, so he'd ride the rims home then bring the bike in to fix the flat AND get a new rim installed) Anyway, Powerbars were the race nutrition of choice at the time and the trigeeks stored them out of the package and molded to the top tube. Looked like a big thick skidmark.

Roille Figners said...



babble on said...

Yuck. I have a hard enough time peeing in a wetsuit. And I'm sorry, but most cyclists smell bad enough when they get off the bike without that thrown into the mix.

Is this some sort of weird pre-requisite to being a pro racer?

Um, and Hello??! Naked protests? That is a brilliant idea. Can we please enact a law which makes it illegal to hold a public protest without nudity? That would make all sorts of civil unrest much more entertaining.

crosspalms said...

Aren't they supposed to piss during the swimming portion? Did nobody go to grade school?

After my trip up the Amazon I was disturbed to discover that I

had oungago

wishiwasmerckx said...

Actually, pros stop to pee while the race is temporarily and informally neutralized so they do not have to turn themselves inside out chasing back to the main pack.

During the Tour, riders are routinely fined for taking "nature breaks" within plain sight of the spectators.

When the pace is too high to stop, a teammate puts one hand on your handlebars while you whizz out the pantleg of your cycling shorts -- some mean feat...

Oh, and Babble, sorry, I got nothing for you on this one.

Dooth said...

That's at Amazon can give you a tropical disease. My witch doctor prescribed

emcntyti best

Anonymous said...

Cannot comment with the ipad...

ChamoisJuice said...

Comment deleted:
That's bizarre. I think they are very funny. Both the intentionally funny type like Bikesnob and Larry David, as well as the Hasids.

I think part of the problem here, is that some people think "jew" or "jewish" is inherently perjorative. THAT'S RACIST! I am using those words descriptively. Any insult you are imagining is projected from your own prejudices, not mine. I like rye bread AND biting sarcasm; and am missing both in the homogenous PNW.

Kenny Banya said...

Red Lantern Kenny

Anonymous said...

Whenever I'm hungry I toast some bread and cover it in

which nutterm

Anonymous said...

After using a new chamois cream I suffered from a nasty case of

surprising irchtan

Anonymous said...

fuck this stupid fucking robot text bollocks. What the fuck is a

receiver eaorssi

Not the Anon above said...

The roboblocker just defined:
receiver eaorssi

means oristwe

Whatever the hell that is.

Anonymous said...

So the crazy lady is prepared to top herself over the bikeshare, but not protest in the park if it is raining?

I think that proves she is a witch.

Roxcell is not a word Captcha bastard...

Roille Figners said...

Just don't go droppin' a "deuce" in your cycling shorts or they'll be calling you

the poologr

(I wish I were making that up)

Comment deleted said...

Whatever, Juice.

What you're doing is baiting, whether or not it's in the dictionary you carry. If you are indeed not a racist, you are getting off on coyly pretending to be one.

I don't know why I keep bothering. I guess because you post funny links. But if you don't stop quacking like a duck, I've got to figure you for a duck. Fuck ducks.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Biting sarcasm? CJ, you are a puke. Rest assured that you are the only one who considers your deliberate provocations to be "biting sarcasm."

Complementing yourself is almost a worse sin.

Bite me, CJ.

Anonymous said...

Presidential edition comment: Won't the free view of naked people make that the most popular Citi Bike station? Usually I have to pay for that.

And don't forget: The bear and the maiden fair.

Anonymous said...

CJ, unless your'e an anthropologist, your comments might be sarcastic...hilarious even. But you emote a certain ignorance based on a western societal bias. Basically, your kind is "normal" and everyone else is "ethnic". The reality, of course, is that we are all ethnic. We are all descended from the same ancestors. Indeed, we are brothers and sisters. But you can't bring yourself to accept that when you see someone totally unlike you.

the Commentariat said...

CJ, to put it more bluntly, everybody hates your guts and thinks you are a total idiot.

Anonymous said...

A Mus once bit my sister ... or maybe it was a Møøse.

Anonymous said...

That moose fender only looks good because it is an accessory on a carefully curated bike. Would look like a piece of plastic got stuck in the frame on my bike.

I have bitten many a mousse in my time.

Anonymous said...

I like to post at 10pm at night so nobody sees it.

I like the Musguard. I won't buy one even if it's free because I only ride when the weather is above 70 degrees and not rainy. But it's cool. (Until it's outrageously overpriced - then it's just hipsterish.)
I'm like the SoHo Citibike protester in that I won't go outside in the rain. She's willing to die, but only if the weather is nice?!


duty molsdat - robots are waterproof

Anonymous said...

Well, I hope its a nice day when I die.

Now keep in mind a "nice" day for me might be a day to stay inside for most people.

Anonymous said...

What the heck are those little men in white shirts doing to Wiggins? Looks like one of them has his hand well up in his crotch.

E-Scaper said...

what / no disembodied hand on the lego"s comments? let me be the 1st! Babble looks delish! great shots,maybe his snobbishness needs a new photographer!scrotus!!

Jase said...

Aargh! Giant disembodied hand! Run!


hOpe the little lego man has a little lego helmet for when he crashes into the back of Barbies Cadillac

Anonymous said...

Oh that photo of Bradley Wiggins did for me. Now if you will excuse me while I crop out those background people and have my way with myself.

Anonymous said...

RIP Richard Ballantyne

Anonymous said...

Olive garden

babble on said...


Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

leroy said...

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

babble on said...


Leroy you'd better check on yer dog. Don't look now, but I think he's staging a Druid revolt.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


McFly said...

So I bought a boat. And as we are cruising around Ky Lake today I see a MTB trail off a dock in LBL. So I think...put the MTBs in the boat, ease over to the trail, tie her off, ride the 10 mile loop, get really hot, then ease off and go for a dip. Genius.


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wishiwasmerckx said...

McFly, famous last words. I forsee that your MTB has a date with Davey Jones Locker.

Anonymous said...

Legos are cool! Do they sell them in Portland?

McFly said...

It's aluminum so it floats. Right? Say it floats. The other one is a Gary FISHER!!! Wakka Wakka!!!

Seriously it's a gary Fisher Tassajara. Pronounced JAR-rah.

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Fredrik Jönsson Norrström said...

"Mus" means pretty much the same as "pussy" in Swedish, the only difference being that the other meaning of the word is mouse. Just sayin.

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