It's Wednesday. I'm So Excited, And I Just Can't Hide It. In Fact, I'm About To Lose Control, And I Think I Like It.

Holy crap, I have so much stuff to promote this morning!

I absolutely live for promotion!!!

First of all, do you want to win a bike?  Of course you do.  Your bike is a piece of crap.  (Assuming you're Bike Snob Daily News, that is.)  Well, here's your chance to score yourself some sweet, sweet crotch candy and promote ME in the process:

Be it.  Love it.  Win it.  Ride it.

But that's not all!  I also wrote a blog post for my publisher's website:

So read it.  Or at least skim it.  Come on, you at least owe me that much.

Selfish bastards.

But that's not all!  Assuming you're not yet as sick of me as I am of myself, you should come to BOSTON to LANDRY'S on SATURDAY the 18th to RIDE and HEAR JOCULAR TALKING!!!  Even the local cops are excited about it!

See?

Yeah, beat that, Bike Snob Daily News!!!

(By the way, my Boston visit is an Esteemed Commenter Daddo One Production, so please address any questions to him via the comments section below.  Will there be chips and dip?  Chips and no dip? Dip but no chips?  Or no chips or dip?  I have no idea, but he does.  So ask him, all right?  Just leave me alone.  I can't even find Boston on a map of New Hampshire, for chrissakes!)

***Oh, and I forgot: Fat Cyclist is going to be interviewing me tomorrow LIVE on the INTERNET.  I can't keep track of all this stuff!

Speaking of Bike Snob Daily News, she might think the bike share bikes are crap, but I think she's out of her mind:

I'd share the shit out of that bike.  But I don't have to.  Because it's mine.  (I was kind of scared that the docking station would lock when I put the bike in there, though.  That would have been HILARIOUS, because then I'd have to wait until the program launches on May 27th to get my rear wheel back.)

By the way, see all that garbage behind the docking station?

Yes, it appears the bike share opponents were right.  The docking stations are obviously preventing the Department of Sanitation from picking up the garbage, so it's just going to pile up and pile up and pile up until we all have to move into outer space like in the movie WALL-E.

Then we'll get so fat that we'll be over the draconian 260lb rider weight limit.

Also, if you're wondering why I was riding around the city on a mountaineering bicycle, it's because I was visiting my favorite all-terrain bicycle cycling spot:

It's called the "dog run," which is mountain biker lingo for "mountain bike trail:"

I got into a big shouting match with some guy who was letting his Lhasa Apso run all over the place without a leash, and then I spent the rest of the day cleaning dog feces out of my knobbies.

People can be such dicks.

Speaking of bike share, the New York Times has published the only semi-sane article to date (with accompanying video) about the controversy surrounding the system:

I admit, I'm becoming addicted to stupid bike share complaint porn, and this may be the stupidest complaint yet:

Now, even some avid cyclists have found occasion to complain. At a recent community meeting on bike share in the West Village, Jane Browne, 42, who initially supported the program, said she had recently seen mice scurrying in the “corridors of trash and water” that formed between a nearby bike station and the curb.

Yeah, that's right.  Jane Browne, a grown woman of 42 years of age, thinks the bike share stations are attracting mice.

This is a disaster in the making, because first you've got vermin, and the next thing you know they're demanding their own bike share system:

(Founded picture here.)

Yeah, I realize it's a hamster but whatever, loosen up.

To be completely fair though, I'm not surprised people are complaining.  Look, I get it.  Let's say you live in this building.  For years your doorman has been hailing you a cab, and it's been stopping right in front of your awning.  It's a luxuriously seamless transition.  Then one day you walk out and find this in the way:

Sure, at first it may seem like an imposition, but if you think about it, it's actually an opportunity.  Instead of taking a taxi, why not just grab a bike?

Well, I'll tell you why not:

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY MICE BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN REMOVE THE BIKE FROM THE KIOSK!

Every day at least ten Londoners are devoured by rodents while trying to borrow a Boris Bike, but this news has been suppressed by the liberal media.

Anyway, it's easy for me to mock the people who are suddenly tripping over bike share stations when they leave their front doors because there will never, ever be a bike share station on my street.  That's because I live on a pretty steep hill, and anybody who tried to ride a 50lb Citi Bike to my front door would keel over and die.  Seriously.  I can barely make it back to my own home on a bike with a compact crank, and I'm a highly-trained and extremely fit cyclist who is an incredible rider and awesome.

Just check out my Strava if you don't believe me.

Anyway, the point is that if you don't like bike share, move to the face of a giant mountain.

In other smugness news, Yehuda Moon alerted me via Twitter to this list of smug (or in most cases simply inept) celebrities:

Which was clearly written by either a third grader or Bike Snob Daily News:

Robert Pattinson is the Twilight star that said he didn’t quite know how to drive to Ellen DeGeneres on her hit show. He said that he didn’t know how to drive, and that it was terrifying. He said he didn’t know the most basic things about driving, but he does drive himself around L.A.

Wait, what?  So he didn't know how to drive to Ellen DeGeneres, or he didn't know how to drive at all?  Maybe he just needed directions.  Also, this:

Robbie Williams doesn’t have a driving license yet. He said that he doesn’t drive in London because the traffic is so bad. He said that he takes cabs everywhere. He still has no license, and he lives in Los Angeles, which is pretty hard for him at 37 years of age.

Yes, it is hard to live in Los Angeles when you're 37.  Bewildering syntax aside, if the traffic is so bad in London how does taking a cab help?  Do they drive on the sidewalk?

In any case, Yehuda Moon pointed out the obvious omission of David Byrne, but clearly he didn't click through all the way:

David Byrne was in the music band group The Talking Heads.  David Byrne doesn't own a car or drive a car because instead he rides a bike in New York City where he lives.  New York City has the subway.  The subway is a special train that goes underground.  David Byrne used to wear a big suit that he didn't wear while driving because he doesn't.  Apples are mostly red, but some of them are green.

Someone give that kid who writes for the gossip website an A for "Affort."

Lastly, Bradley Wiggins has managed to offend both women and timid descenders in a single interview:

“Let's be honest" he said. "I descended like bit of a girl really after the crash."

Only Wiggo was quick to clarify his remarks by saying: “Not to disrespect girls, I have one at home.”

"Some of my best friends are black," he then added.

Someone really needs to tell Wiggins not to talk to anybody ever.  You'd think his team's clothing sponsor, Rapha, would have fitted him with some sort of rakish silk muzzle by now, because he handles his tongue about as well as he handles his bike:



No disrespect to shit, he took one at home.