Monday, May 20, 2013

Hi! I Was In Boston And Now I'm Not!

So there I was on Friday evening, sitting on the sofa, clutching my Amtrak ticket, and preparing to board my train to Boston a mere 13 hours later.  (Yes, I was SO EXCITED to go to Boston I was just going to sit there all night bug-eyed and wired until it was time to leave, like Robs Fords on crack.)  Then, this happened:


Fortunately, nobody was killed, but unfortunately it meant there would be no Amtrak between New York and Boston.  But also fortunately, I OWN A CAR:


Nevertheless, I ran through my choices:

1) Fly To Boston:

For laughs I actually looked into this, and I could have purchased a round-trip on the Delta shuttle for just under $900;

2) Ride My Bike To Boston:

According to Gargle Maps it's exactly 214 miles between my home and Landry's where the event was taking place, and as much as I enjoy bicycle cycling, believe it or not I also have a fucking life;

3) Take A Bus To Boston:

Uh, no freaking way:


4) Drive THE CAR THAT I OWN:

This seemed like the best option.  On the negative side, I'd be putting additional mileage and wear-and-tear on my vintage automobile


(The call me "Chitty Chitty Douche Douche.")

But on the plus side, I'd be able to sound my old-timey horn at any pesky cyclists I might encounter, and perhaps even shake my fist at them for good measure.

So driving it was.  I made good time too, reaching Boston a full 20 minutes earlier than I would have had I traveled by bicycle:



That old Jew-hater Henry Ford really knew what he was doing.

Oh, it should also go without saying that I threw my folding bike into the horseless carriage, and once I got to Boston I unfurled it and took to the streets--which are covered with these:


(Oh, screw you.)

I was very much not wearing a helment, and I had two very good excuses:

1) The only way to look stupider on a folding bike is to wear a helment while riding it;

and

2) I knew nothing bad was going to happen to me that day.

This isn't to say I never wear a helment; I do, but only when it looks right with my outfit.  For example, if I put on the stretchy Fred gear, I always top it off with a helment.  However, if I'm wearing normal pants, I skip the helment.

That's my entire criteria.

I'm sure someone somewhere is shocked and appalled that I'm so reckless and irresponsible.  But guess what?  Riding a bike without a foam hat on my head is by far the wildest thing I ever do in my life.  (The second-wildest thing is not bothering to button my pants again after I go to the bathroom.)  Go read Keith Richard's autobiography, then think about some bike blogger riding a folding bike without wearing a helment, and then tell me if you still think it's a big deal.

You know what's actually crazy?  Being this fat and smoking crack is crazy:


(Robs Fords having his half-hourly heart attack.)

So just relax already.

Anyway, I defied death and made it Landry's, bare head and all.  First, I met some lovely people who wanted to share with me the latest in artisanal pant cuff protection:


(Disembodied prehensile foot.)

See how that works?


I look forward to trying it as soon as I can be bothered to put on shoes.  (Or, for that matter, pants.)

 Anyway, by that time a goodly-sized group was ready to tour the local bicycle infrastructure:


We were led by Urban Adventours, distinguished by their Day Glo foam bike hats and wheelbrows:


The weather was delightful, the warm breeze tickled my thinning, helmentless hair, and I learned a lot about Boston.  For example, here we are in the park known as the "Emerald Necklace," designed by celebrated landscaper Frederick Law Olmsted:


If you ever find yourself cycling in Boston, be sure not to confuse the "Emerald Necklace" with the nearby "Pearl Necklace," designed by celebrated manscaper Mario Cipollini:


(Cipollini displays his other pearly whites.)

Unless you actually do want to visit the Pearl Necklace, in which case all I'll tell you is that you'll find it under an overpass and it will take 4-6 minutes to complete.

Here's a picture of someone taking a picture of me taking a picture of someone taking a picture of me taking a picture of someone, etc.:


And here's what happened afterwards:


Then I blacked out, and I woke up six minutes later wearing a pearl necklace.

By the way, it's a good thing Dave was wearing his helment:


A helment offers you full protection against the impact of deeply profound cosmic revelations and intense visual metaphors.

Speaking of helments, here are two more reasons I didn't need a hement.  Firstly, we had this guy, who called out every single "obstacle," down to the sub-atomic level:


("Quark up!!!")

Also, we had a clergywoman on hand:


So in the event I did manage to sustain a fatal blow to the head, I knew that at least someone would be on hand to administer last rites.

I should at this point thank Esteemed Commenter Daddo One (aka "Andrew Steinhouse") for putting everything together, and here's pretty much the only picture I managed to take of him, shortly before we watched a gentleman on a crabon road bike fall over on the bike path because he couldn't get out of his clipless pedals:


Not only is ECDO a quick wit and a snappy dresser, but he also had a fuckload of pizza and beer waiting for us when we got back to the shop:


Unfortunately for the attendees, there's no such thing as free pizza and beer, so next came the relentless self-promotion as ECDO interviewed me about my book before a capacity crowd:


And when I say "capacity" I mean they were wishing at full capacity that they were someplace else:


In all, it was a lovely visit, and as I understand it there was even leftover pizza for a light pre-Fred ride breakfast the next morning:


(Mark from Landry's.)

I however, skipped out on the Fred ride, and by that time I was in Chitty Chitty Douche Douche, doing about 17mph on the Mass Pike, wearing a coonskin cap, and cranking the heavy shit:



That was some badass whistling--or as it's called now, "artisanal exhaling."

Thanks again to Esteemed Commenter Daddo One and Landry's Bicycles for the hospitality.

81 comments:

Anonymous said...

Je suis le premier!

Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB IS A LOSER BIKING GIVES LOWERS YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVES YOU BALL CANCER

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:38pm,

NOT IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Blog Drafter said...

Geez, shouted off the podium...

ChuckBrad said...

Was great meeting you at Landry's. Thanks to you, my box will never be the same.

Comment deleted said...

Hmm, keeps the pants *and* the shoelaces out of the chain. I give it the Commuter Seal of Approval.

At least until the...

precot revolt

Anonymous said...

Having been carfree for 5 years, I think I'll take a look at a Model T for my next car. Nothing like getting back to basics.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

We did have a great time - mostly making snide comments behind Wild Cat's back which wasn't hard to do as he was riding a clown bike with a pie plate still firmly attached.


Also, that is MARK from Landry's - I know none of y'all care - but he does.

@rural_14 said...

Rural 1st!
Top rural! or some such

eekspon magic

ChamoisJuice said...

Faster than some, slower than others.... does everything in life need to be a race? Do you have to be better than other people in order to feel ok about yourself?

I do!

Anonymous said...

welcome back

oh wait, it was me that was gone.

ouabacher said...

Sperm count!...... and a one, and a two........

Roille Figners said...

Came in 14th but my mom says I'm the best.

Comment deleted said...

Hope your day is beautiful and that you get to do some therapeutic hill climbs, Babs.

A Monkey Handler... said...

Wow, WCRM just missed the podium...

Paul Bowen said...

Robs Fords crackstarter: http://gawker.com/we-are-raising-200-000-to-buy-and-publish-the-rob-ford-508230073

3G said...

Emerald Necklace, Pearl Necklace, Bolivian Necktie. All the same stuff.

NYCHighwheeler said...

Welcome back Snobby!

Don't forget about the Mountain Bike Festival coming up June 9th at Blue Mountain Reservation in Peekskill, NY. wmba.org

Rides, demos, kids stuff, overgrown kids stuff, and P-FAR RIDES!

Plus, the Hudson line train will get you there without the constant derailments on the CT line!

-Fergie

DerZoots said...

I totally didn't attend the BRA!

HAHAHAHA.

Glad you had fun.

330ctartil

mikeweb said...

My clear line to the podium was de-railed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Your beard has really grayed out since the last time I seen you Wildcat.

Dandy bib overalls you got there too.

mikeweb said...

I think that 'exposed seam' pants and laces wrangler thing is a miniature spats, or more accurately, one single spat.

Now excuse me while I go look for a sledge hammer with which to kill this annoying mosquito.

ChamoisJuice said...

Fergie: Mountain Biking generally includes riding a bike on a MOUNTAIN, not a glorified mole hill. Blue has like 200ft of vertical loss. Keep heading North for a bit until you get to Beacon.

Roille Figners said...

Driving to Boston? For shame Snobkins, David Byrne (a non-car-owner) is sooooo nonplussed!

I never wear a helment. When people ask why not, the only answer that's brief enough, and that really delivers the truth (but kind of in a time-bomb format that detonates later), is to say "Just to mess with you."

McFly said...

I am sorry but The By-Laws of Fist-Shakin' Section 4B paragraph 6.2.2 state that you cannot shake your fist/arm without screaming out "YOU DANG KIDS STAY OFF MY LAWN!".

Again, sorry.

balls™ said...

I never wear a hement either, but I do wear a tinfoil hat held in place by a pyramid. Just in case.

Sperm count? Ball cancer? That guy just needs to adjust his seat.

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Anyone know who sells fenders like the ones on the Urban Adventours bikes?

David said...

The guy who couldn't clip out was riding a CAAD10, not a crabon bike. Thanks for coming to Boston, BSNYC!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I finished your book "Bikesnob Is Abroad" It was a good read; A bit more personal and introspective but the part about the sex-change operation did catch me a little off guard.

In any case thanks and keep up the good work.

Surly Bastard said...

Wow. This is just Douche Douche hilarious. Thanks for the laugh Snob.

The King of Park Slope said...

There's a book?

Anonymous said...

2nd Row....Far left.....that red blouse is totally Pearl Necklace compatable. Plenty of fleshy square inch to work with.

NOTI NMYI

Serial Retrogrouch said...

me whistle pretty one day.

JB said...

Did the guy in the first group shot, on the far right in the lacrosse shirt, ever try to kill you?

Jimboner said...

That guy´s name is MARK and he will kill you.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Pizza delivery Fred.

Fritz said...

NYC Highwheeler...regarding the 6/9 ride

What kind of P-Far will they have for rides? One of those new Czech masterpices or a rideable replica?

Tad Salyards said...

Here's some seriously retro artisinal pants protection:

http://www.atthefrontshop.com/searchresults.asp?cat=260

These are called Gemaschen (or spats in English) and will also keep your pant cuffs clean. Even better, they were used by Nazis in ww2, so they'll look even better laying in the back seat of some hipster's VW.

Yarpo said...

Chitty Chitty Douche Douche...fuckin' hilarious.

Hey, check out CE's video which can be found near the bottom of Friday's comment section. Stay for the finale.

GNice commute ride today, hope yopu all have the same...WITH A HELMENT OF HELMENTEAN PROPORTIONS ON YOUR DOME OF DOMES!

Yarpo said...

Uh, replace Gnice with nice and yopu with you. Yopu is yogurt with tofu...blech!

Anonymous said...

Riding a bus to boston as I read this.

Glad you had fun.

Joaquin Ayala said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Were you really in boston???

How come the pizza box says "www.ottoportland.com"?

Joaquin Ayala said...

Robs Fords smoking crack is bizarre enough, but making a Taiwanese animation of it is even funnier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oqrUPkW77k

Joaquin Ayala said...

May explain this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj8haZzvaE8

The Commentariat said...

Joaquin,

Please read this handy dandy HTML tutorial on how to turn your ugly and inconvenient youtube URLs into nice neat text links, like the linked text above.

Thank you.

the Usearag??

Even if it was that time of the month, that's a little rude.

babble on said...

Wheelbrows? That's a new one on me... you never cease to amaze and amuse, snobbikins. Thanks for cheering a girl up. xoxo

Just off to climb a couple of hills... best therapy in the world.

Dooth said...

"Higgs boson"!

DB said...

Welcome back, Snob.
My daughters wedding was great! You New Yorkers know how to party plan. Did some sightseeing with a hangover today, walked it off in no time. Like the new subway cars with the blue seating.

Anonymous said...

Good Lob, someone in Boston has discovered gaiters. We'll need a cover story for another lockdown until this can be contained.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

what was robs the fords doing in williamsburg eating apples anyways?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

babble,

here's a joke to cheer you up, i hope:

"A man said to his friend Mulla Nasrudin: "Who is the boss in your house?" "Well," said Nasrudin, "my wife assumes command of the children, the servants, the dog and the parakeet. BUT I SAY PRETTY MUCH WHAT I PLEASE TO THE GOLDFISH." "

We all need cheering up... good thing snob still has his wits about him.

yours truly,

grouch

Anonymous said...

Lots of people who smoke crack rob Fords.

leroy said...

My dog asked me to post "Allez Babble".

He said she could use it.

As usual, don't quite know what he means.

But a least this time, it's G-Rated.

babble on said...

Ha! That's a good one. Thanks. And thank you everyone for your kind messages of support.

I sometimes sing the sappiest love-songs at the top of my lungs as I ride these days. Gotta find my joy somehow, right?

And it really is sap. But I love it. It always cheers me up. And gratitude practices do, too, though I've been way too much of a train wreck to be consistent. And he is suffering too, bless him. It's so wrong, and yet every moment is a gift, and there is always a gift in the moment, too. Finding it is a question of perspective.

That's why you'll find me if you listen for the lunatic singing sappy songs at the top of the hill.

I'm searching for a better perspective because today my view is pretty blue.

ChamoisJuice said...

The only good music Canadians make is sad, introspective breakup music. Leonard Cohen and Neil Young speak to my shriveled heart.

SONGS OF LOVE AND HATE


Neko Case collaborates with canadians, and that is close enough for me.
PRETTY GIRLS

Comment deleted said...

I don't know, Bruce Cockburn did a pretty good song about rocket launchers. Maybe it was a break-up song, too, in a way.


HISTORY supEge

Comment deleted said...

I just heard this one in a bass players group, of all places (dedicated to Babs' blues):

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor.
The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?"

The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, 'I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?'"

"I said, 'I'd like all the money I could ever spend.'"

"The genie went 'Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend."

"Then he said, 'What is your second wish?'"
"I said, 'I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.'"

"The genie went 'Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous woman who immediately loved me."

"Then the genie said, 'And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, 'I'd like a huge orange head.'"

Anonymous said...

Dearest Snobby,

If you ended up driving an automobile to Boston why did you have to take a silly folding bike?

You could've taken a proper unbroken bike. You might've had to remove a wheel or maybe even two wheels, but as we live in the wonder days of space-age quick release hubs, you could've broken down and reassembled a man's bike as quickly and easily as messing about with a dopey folding bike.

You then could've conducted your Boston affairs with some personal dignity and returned some courtesy to your hosts by displaying common decency and respect to your hosts.

Anonymous said...

Everyone who shows up to BSNYC BRA's is a day glo vest wearing dork. He wanted to fit in

Yarpo said...

That's funny. I'm about to leave work to commute home...and I'm putting on my day-glo vest. Maybe I'm dork-muting?

Pedala, Pedala, Pedala.

Arrivederci!

ZRL in SF said...

Dear B. S.
I too used to never wear a helmet whilst riding the cruiser, but always while riding my road bike. It just felt wrong.
Luckily I was riding my road bike when I hit a wet streetcar track and landed on my head.
I have since come to embrace the joy of wearing a helmet that cost four times as much as my bike.
Thanks, and I love your blog.

NYCHighwheeler said...

"NYC Highwheeler...regarding the 6/9 ride

What kind of P-Far will they have for rides? One of those new Czech masterpices or a rideable replica?"

It is my Rideable Replica, as ridden by The Snob himself! Those Czech ones are amazing! I also like the Victories from Florida, and Edlee from Australia was making some nice bikes up until he retired.

Anonymous said...

Bikeshare Bike with a basket.

Click here to see photo.

Anonymous said...

Here is a trial design of a B-cycle trike.

Click here for B-cycle page.

Anonymous said...

Why do firemen wear red suspenders?







To keep their pants up.

Anonymous said...

anon 2:36
I am working so hard I should be screened for steroids...

McFly said...

Train In Vain

THEC LASH

mplound into ???? Ok sure

Anonymous said...

yahoo

Anonymous said...

www.yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

Click here to go to yahoo

Anonymous said...

Click here to see Peta Todd.

JB said...

Babble: I recommend heavy doses of Blood on the Tracks and Blonde on Blonde.

Been on a Bob kick lately.

Anonymous said...

oh - you can get the pearl necklace in the emerald necklace. not exactly under a bridge, but late at night amongst the reeds in the fens.

Dooth said...

Now hold on there just a cotton picking minute, Wildcat...you don't wear a helment because it's a fashion faux pas? A fucking fashion faux pas!

babble on said...

Thanks for all the tunes!

AW geeze! It's raining! And it looks like rain all week. Hows a girl supposed to hit the hills in the pouring rain? Yuck.

Fritz said...

NYC Highwheeler

This is the PFar I am lusting after

not sure how many the guy makes though

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dooth,

I don't wear a helment for the same reason I don't wear a diaper. Sure, I could have an accident, but I prefer to place my focus on accident prevention.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

Oh and who(m?)ever taught me how to do thisyesterday I thank you.

Billy said...

No balls? Is that why you don't juggle when you ride your clown bike?