Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Bring Out Your Dumb! Still More Bike Share Angst

With our bike share program set to debut on March 27th, New York City's anti-bike forces have somehow managed to find a moron throttle setting beyond "full retard" and are now simply blasting off into "plaid:"



For example, in this hard-hitting exclusive, the New York Post reveals that Citi Bike will have a weight limit:


“If you’re 260 pounds or 300 pounds and want to ride a bike, you should be allowed to. You’re making a choice to live healthier and to lose weight,” said Jhoskaira Ferman, a 20-year-old student from Pelham Bay, Bronx.

Oh, boo hoo.  First of all, nobody's going to be hanging around the bike share kiosks with a scale, so I wouldn't really worry about it until you keel over and try to sue.  Second of all, guess what?  You can't ride all the rides at Great Adventure either:

What is considered exceptional size where rides are concerned? 


Safety is our number one priority. Guests with certain body proportions, height and/or weight may not be able to participate on certain rides if the safety restraints will not operate as designed. Specific ride information is available at the ride and at Guest Relations.

Anyway, somehow I doubt there are legions of overweight people in New York City who are feeling disenfranchised by the bike share weight limit--though if they are then perhaps this weight limit will inspire them to meet their weight loss goals.

I do admit though that I enjoy it when the Post tries to play the pathos card:



Yeah, I'm sure they're really worried about him.  In any case, if I see that guy riding around on a Citi Bike I promise not to rat him out.

(By the way, the reason for the conservative weight limit is that all Citi Bikes will be equipped with Mavic R-Sys wheelsets.)

But rider weight isn't the only thing keeping the editorial staff at the Post awake at night.  Now they're also complaining that the bikes themselves are too heavy:


Simply heaving the bulky, 45-pound cruisers in and out of their kiosk slots is heavy lifting. And riding them isn’t that easy, either — they’re solid to the point of being clunky to maneuver at times.

After their use, bikes must be rolled into a kiosk slot at just the right angle — until it clicks locked.

Until it clicks locked?!?  Those monsters!

Still, I admit the Post makes a good point here, because you know what's not heavy and doesn't require approaching a parking space at just the right angle?  A fucking car.  Have you seen the average idiot in New York try to park an SUV?  It's like watching an old person try to perform coitus before the Viagra kicks in.

I do think the Post should be careful here though, because they're contradicting themselves in a manner that's pitifully obvious even for them.  Do they want the bike share system open to the morbidly obese who may not survive the heaving and grunting involved in moving the bikes in and out of the kiosks?  Or do they want light, agile roadsters that will collapse under their weight in short order?

But when it comes to critiquing the bikes themselves (which, it should be said, is like criticizing the New York City subway for not having a dining car), nobody beats the Daily News.  Indeed, I was just reading Streetsblog, where I came across this article:


Holy shit!  The Daily News has its own Bike Snob?!?  Indeed, they do, and here she is making a great big "doucheclamation point:"


(Bike Snob Daily News makes the universal symbol for "sideways vagina.")

Yes, BSDN has sterling bike snob credentials, and here they are:

As a proud bike snob, who is rarely without her her SE Draft steel-frame fixie, I leaped at the chance to test the bright blue CitiBike.

Wait, she knows about bikes because she rides an SE Draft?  This is like saying, "As a proud gourmand, who is rarely without a six-piece Chicken McNuggets...," or, "As a proud bibliophile, who is rarely without her copy of 'Justin Bieber: Just Getting Started'..."

Really, saying you know bikes because you ride a cheap fixie is almost as ridiculous as saying you're a journalist because you write for the Daily News.

But don't tell BSDN that, or she'll hit you with the sideways vajayjay:


So what's BSDN's big beef with the bike share heaps, anyway?  Well, for one thing, there's this:

My handbag could barley fit into the metal basket. The bungee rope, connected to the bike, took manly might to safely secure the purse.

Seriously?  The basket's too small and the bungee cord is too hard to stretch?  Is this really a complaint?  It's an amenity on a public facility.  Does she also complain about the toilet seats in public restrooms?

Next, she simply lapses into porn:

It was time to get dirty. Squatting my knees, I needed all of my power to tug the bike out of its holder.

Clearly BSDN is recycling the erotica she writes in her spare time by doing a search-and-replace with the words "bike" and "dong."

Oh, also, these bikes aren't hardcore enough for the mean New York streets:


But exerting all my energy got me to about 7 mph. Joggers go faster than that. Yawn. CitiBikes are too slow to survive a New York minute.

Please.  I'd rather ride a bike share bike than BSDN's crappy SE Draft any day.  If anything's not cut out to survive a New York minute it's BSDN, who had to hire a coach to teach her to ride in traffic in the first place:


I wrote about this back when the article first appeared, but here's my favorite part again:

Me and my breed of urban bikers obey the rules and also follow a code of ethics.

"Don't ride in platform shoes. Or flip-flops. Don't ride and text," said my bike coach John Campo, 62, who trains me on how not to die while peddling on a New York street.
Campo teaches folks how to "street ride," a culture mixed with bike messenger-styled aggressiveness (yes, we scream at drivers and pedestrians not giving us the right of way) and staying safe.

She should also hire a writing coach to teach her the difference between "peddle" and "pedal."

Also, back then BSDN rode (or, in her parlance, "peddled") a Surly Steamroller:

I hate being in the overpriced sticky subways and opt to ride my sweet Surly Steamroller instead of paying for a cab. I bike to crime scenes while on the job for the Daily News, and have no problem peddling to dinner parties sporting shorts under a fancy dress.

So why the downgrade to the SE Draft?  Because the Steamroller got stolen:


You'd think someone who's been the victim of a bike theft would be more appreciative of a bike share system she's under absolutely no obligation to use.  As it is, bike theft keeps forcing her to downgrade, and at this rate it won't be long before she's riding a Walmart bike that will have her wishing she was on a bike share bike.

In any event, I guess John Campo didn't cover the part about using a lock.

So would the tabloids get behind bike share if they offered, light, nimble, flickable urban douchecycles like The Budnitz?  No, then they'd deride it as a plaything for the 1%--though I just this morning received an email informing me I've ordered a "Model No. 5 Titanium" (and that my name is "Oh"):



I can assure you that I have absolutely not ordered a Budnitz, so I'm going on the theory that Old Man Budnitz is trying to shake me down for $500.

Meanwhile, in sporting news, I guess it's a rest day or something at the Giro d'Italia:

Yes, nothing gets you going again like some fresh blood.

And in California, in the other tour I'm ignoring, it's apparently too fucking hot:

This is the effect of “epic.” It has a human cost, and it looks like a terrified bike racer, bleached by extreme heat, lying shirtless on his back, his body wet under rivers of ice water.

Please, nobody tell Rapha this, because as soon as they find out that "hot" is the new "epic" they'll start having Gentlemen's Races on the surface of Venus.



85 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ass Monkeys… ATTACK!!!

ChamoisJuice said...

TWO IN A ROW!

DB said...

Podium!

Charles said...

Damn those ass monkeys!

le Correcteur said...

Almost podium! More drugs!

nditaryo sight

samh said...

Is the spelling and grammar in "The Daily News" always that atrocious?

Perrico Delgado said...

I interrupt my lunch to make the top 100

Anonymous said...

Man, that's some evil looking sideways vajayjay.

DerZoots said...

Top TEN oooohhh.

Faux snob and shit.
Get that draft stolen coachee.

Pffffttttt.

thsivir three

Anonymous said...

WTF is "melting water"?

ken e. said...

pesky ass monkeys.

Mehjor Taylor said...

Maybe her writing coach can also teach her the difference between barely and barley?

Sean Yeager said...

You have issues with months, don't you? This post has March 27 as the day Citibike goes live. It's May 27. And Abroad has your son's birthday mixed up, too.

It's cool, though. I've got a 3 year old. I know how the lack of sleep and fuzzy brain takes over.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Bike Snob Daily News >

DB said...

How will we know which Bike Snob is actually posting?

paulb said...

I wonder if Tom Vernon, the "fat man on a bicycle" guy from Britain, is still writing. He was just the apotheosis of the gracious, civilized guy on a bike.

Bradley Wiggins said...

DNBS - Cunt

Anonymous said...

Parking an SUV is "like watching an old person try to perform coitus before the Viagra kicks in." Your imagination is TOO vivid Snobbie. That image will be difficult to scrub from my mind.

good though.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey ah does BSDN and her SE Draft have a spread over at the fixfixfix?

Just wondering.

all_your_ideas_belong_to_me said...

Wait, she knows about bikes because she rides an SE Draft? This is like saying, "As a proud gourmand, who is rarely without a six-piece Chicken McNuggets...

Without a doubt, the article/writer just inserts her into a culture as if she was there all along. Which is late-stage trendiness and overall douchiness reserved for an organization trying to make money publishing content.

This too shall pass and like clown-bike riders, bike-nerd purgatory is its own walled garden of weirdos.

The chicken mcnuggets claim was lame though. Second grade lame and typical for bike gear geeks. Good job.

Robots attack!

cushin_for_pushin said...

I'm big-boned and can't ride the bikes?

Cancel my subscription you insensitive clod!

Comment deleted said...

Bike Slob Daily News: you write good!

balls™ said...

sideways coitus!

James said...

the bikesnob gathering is at hand in NYC! Remember highlander, there can be only one.

Buffalo Bill said...

I think the viagra just kicked in.

Anonymous said...

the daily news bike snob is not too bad looking. I'd ride her. Hiyooo!!!

JB said...

I'm sure there is a factor of safety (FOS) in that 260# limit. If you weight 260# and have 20# of crap, that's 280#. There's probably a FOS of at least 1.5, so you're good for at least 400# + 20# of crap, for a grand total of 420#.

Is it Wednesday yet?

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of the citibikes but at 9.95 for a 24 hour pass, it seems as though they are much more for tourist than locals. also there are no stations above 59th street, so if you live uptown in manhattan you can't really use the bike to commute.

Anonymous said...

Black jerseys suck ass in the California sun, idiot designer oblivious to basic human comfort. That fact, with DNBS's lack of writing skill and rip-off name scam is living proof that dumb asses are taking over

Yarpo said...

"Barley Fit." Is that a unit of measure that I don't know about? Is there also a Malt Fit or a Hops Fit? Is she using beer brewing terminology?

DNBS...thanks for kicking her in the sideways vajayjay Snob, it was richly deserved.

Gorka Verdugo in 43rd place today at Il Gran Bel Giro. That's my Gorka! Big jump from 90th place on Sunday.

Ass Monkey Handler in the Maglia Ass-Monkey-osa. Sigh...congrata-fucking-lations...(ZOD) GET DOWN HERE WE NEED YOU NOW!!!!

ouabacher said...

That's a recumbent vajayjay, heading west, I believe.

Anonymous said...

just tell BSDN that citibike is the new fixie - which will be legitimized once they start showing up on craiglist.

Anonymous said...

Sideways vagness AND Sagan Top-Lip Sniff™. hmmm.

DB said...

Even in a city as large as New York there is room for but one Bike Snob.
It's time to settle this once and for all.
Where, when and by what means?

Nick Adonidas said...

The Persephone has weight. You have to use it.

@rural_14 said...

rural 1st!

Yes indeedy...hard to click back in. How do metro cards work again? "I've fallen and I can't get up".

Bike share = progress
Daily News = regress

@rural_14

Roille Figners said...

I love all the bikeshare pants-shitting!

sideways vagina: her lateral compliance makes me vertically stiff.

DB said...

Oh, and that big dude on the bike? Looks like every other biker in the Midwest.
The ones with the DUI's.

Ninjamus said...

Alleycat perhaps?

3G said...

Just how MUCH EPO on a rest day?

David said...

Being ancient and all retrogrouchy-like, I remember my big Schwinn cruiser being about 40 odd pounds. Rich kids got 33 pounders, the one percenters got 11.8 Voyagers. BSDN
seems either narcissistic or fey, or perhaps just weak in the physique if she can't handle a bike that 12 year olds used to be consigned to. Next will be a photo of her with the back of her hand on her forehead, swooning from exertion. PffffTTT. Perhaps its just too 'barley' laden to pedal/pettle/petal about.

Jed said...

Just visited the public restroom that is DNBS's blog. Surprise! It was out of toilet paper. I might have forgotten to flush too. ASS MONKEY WAS HERE.

Anonymous said...

Must have been in the sequel to the "Story of O" where she's made to buy a Budnitz.

Anonymous said...

If you're piss and moan that much about riding a bike share bike, maybe cycling isn't the sport for you.

By the way, does "bike snob" require any licensure or advanced degree? I don't think I'm picky enough to qualify. Hell, I used to enjoy riding solo on my old Schwinn 5-speed tandem. Talk about clunky.

Roille Figners said...

bike share, gay marriage, legal pot, the apocalypse

=

inevitable things that woosies(tm) cry and shit their pants about


...until they happen and become obvious, and then those people will be all like "of course I was in favor of it all along"

Anonymous said...

Seems to me that BSDN's purse is too big for the basket. And why can't she stretch the bungee if she can haul around an oversized purse.

(Too many typos here, I gotta remember purse is spelled with an "r" and an "e".

And if she thinks ethics are about about riding in platforms and flipflops, she's unsafe at any speed.


Anyway, a 45 lb bike ought to be sturdy enough for a 250 pounder.

JB said...

"When I tried to put the Budnitz Bike Share bike back into the holder, the Enve crabon rim snapped. It figures these bikes are pieces of crap!"

Also, how long before only about 10% of the bikes are rideable, due to flats, bent rims, bent chain guards, bent fenders, stolen seats, etc. Maybe a mechanic will visit each station twice a week?

Anonymous said...

That big guy on the bike is riding. Yeah!

No sarcasm, no meanness. Good on you mister, welcome to the odd but wonderful world of cycling. Ignore all the ass-twats.

The Magnificent Omri said...

John Campo is a f*cking awesome, wonderful dude, and a major asset to the NYC cycling and bike racing community. It's just a crying shame that this DN person had to drag him into her own personal cycling shitshow -- the Kissena Velodrome would still be a glass-strewn crater with giant cracks (instead of small, barely noticeable cracks) and potholes if it wasn't for his tireless work and advocacy. Just had to get that out here.

leroy said...

Scoff if you must, but my dog assures me that BSDN Simone Weichselbaum's lessons on "how not to die while peddling on a New York street" were well worth whatever she paid for them.

My dog insists that selling genuine faux Rolexes on New York street corners isn't as easy as it looks.

He hopes to meet Ms. Weichselbaum on his commute, which regularly involves peddling the Brooklyn Bridge. He'd give her a discount.

As ususal, I can't quite keep up with him.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. "all_your_ideas_belong_to_me" --

My dog notes that a man who is tired of chicken mcnuggets is a man who is tired of life and second grade.

He wonders if you repeated both of them.

Dooth said...

So, that douchebag editor at our august tabloid ordered the Bike Snob Daily News reporter to go out and "get me some dirt on the bike share program"! And His Girl Freaky Fixie Friday says, "I'm on it boss", as she flashes her sideways vajayjay sign,

babble on said...

Vajayjays are good, inside, outside, sideways and upside down.
No platforms, no flip-flops? Meh. Whatevs.

Imitation is the highest form of flattery, snobbykins.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
all_your_ideas_belong_to_me said...

Leroy,

Yes. Repeated a few times before landing in the glamorous career of bicycle retail.

I got tired of the awesome "Oh yeah? What do you know about it? Because my stuff is better than yours." the first go-round in second grade.

Bike riding enthusiasts with lots of gear to prove it in the U.S. seems to revel in this kind of idiocy.

Not sure why Wildcat doesn't sue the IP thieves. WIPO regulations protect the WRM/BS empire, along with privatizing ideas. Inside the velvet glove is an iron fist.

Nina said...

I agree with Babble on all points. I can't believe the BSDN's coach didn't help her learn to peddle with varied footwear.

Also, I read this article mostly because I thought I would be reading about this article today on this non-DN BSNYC blog:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/02/fashion/williamsburg.html?smid=fb-share

Electric tokiagen

CapitalistPoet said...

"Have you seen the average idiot in New York try to park an SUV?"

As awful as that may be, it is a lot better than the tragi-comedy of watching the average idiot from New Jersey attempt to parallel park a minivan in NYC. I'd go with the average idiot from NYC as depressing as that is to admit.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

snobbie,

never realized how sexy you were until i saw you in that denim skirt and sleeveless vest thing.

what are you doing saturday after the show?

Anonymous said...

RYE PLAYLAND > SIX FLAGS

Less minorities. More Tom Hanks.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

1 hundred degrees today. As is often the case 'round here, we skipped from lingering mid-April weather to premature mid-July weather in less than a week.

pedalin' pedant said...

Since BSDN is way better looking than BSNYC, she doesn't require good content. She does have a point though; a bike built as sturdy as farm machinery should be able to haul her barley.

pedANT 1st

Jimboner said...

Snobby, I know you can thrash BSDN in a battle of words but I think she would take you in a cat fight.

Anonymous said...

Please observe the weight limit if you do.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. all_your_ideas_belong_to_me --

My dog trotted out the old joke that second grade must have been the toughest three years of my life.

He thinks he's so smart because he skipped ahead a few grades in elementary school.

I say they just wanted to get rid of him and told folks one dog year equals seven human years in order to have him graduate early.

Anonymous said...

Alls I can say is that Weird Al has certainly let himself go. Hey, at least he's getting on a bike and trying to turn things around.

J-Bird said...

Lob, Snobby, this one was funny. Or maybe I'm just really drunk.

yankees suck said...

@Dennis:

We've had the exact same bikes in Boston for the past couple years.

Alex X helment fascist said...

"Barely fit" not "barley fit."

"Pedaling" not "peddling."

"My fellow urban bikers and I" not "Me and my breed of urban bikers." Unless she actually breeds them. Then I sit corrected.

(Who needs proper English to write?)

first cocient

Alex X helment fascist said...

Also,

Me obey the rules.

You no write no more, Simone. Otherwise me lose brain cells.

monster pmendus

McFly said...

Yo Yo Yo lemme talk lemme talk. Is that Aztec Princess throwing me the Piece Sign?

babble on said...

I flash the happy Vajayjay/Peace sign all of the time. I try to train drivers to be nice by using positive reinforcement, so every time one of them does something nice, I give em a big grin, flash the vajayjay sign and say a big thank you.
Works wonders, that.

inflicted yuakeda

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Angie Kritenbrink said...

Bitch, PLEASE!

In other news, I am overweight, and I like riding a bike because I can exercise and/or get around while sitting on my ass. FOR REALS DUDES

cheap runescape gold said...

the article/writer just places her into a lifestyle as if she was there all along. Which is late-stage trendiness and overall douchiness arranged for an company trying to earn cash posting material.

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Anonymous said...

Best post in a while. lmao!!

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Anonymous said...

Do I say something funny now?

Blog admin said...

OK, all very well but what I want to know is this -
Who from CitiBikes is going to tell Eric Fischer that he can't borrow a bike . . . it will take a brave man, or a fool.
http://www.nfl.com/draft/2013/profiles/eric-fisher?id=2539213

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Anonymous said...

Does she write BSDN erotica in her spare time? Tell me I'm not the only one that made this connection.

LK said...

Rapha BikRAAM!!!

Andrew Poretz said...

I thought that article was ridiculous. I managed to not notice the "peddling" but I otherwise thought she was full of shit. While riding the 5 Boro Tour, I found a young lady riding a Citishare bike on the BQE. I asked if she worked for the program and was promoting the program (it would have been an obscenely expensive ride otherwise) and she did. She told me it was a surprisingly comfortable ride even after close to 30 miles.

CCTV Cavan said...

I thought this article was fake until I read through it..