Monday, April 15, 2013

Spring: The Prelude to Despair

Firstly, this coming Saturday, April 20th, I'll be at BicycleSPACE in Washington, DC:


The reason for my visit is NOT to march on Washington as part of some hippy-dippy 4/20 "Wednesday weed" legalization effort.  Rather, it's to promote my new book, which please buy it:

If you don't you're a freeloading cheapskate.

Secondly, have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and you're like, "I'm done being stressed out and pissed off.  I'm going to enjoy life.  I'm going to take things as they come and savor my good fortune.  I'm going to do what I want, how I want, and I'm just going to let life flow through me like the ocean through a whale's baleen, sifting out and sustaining myself on the positive vibes"?

Well, I had one of those mornings, but it only took about 45 minutes before I forgot about that and reverted to my usual state of rancor--and it had nothing to do with tax day, because I made $68.9 million last year, most of it safely parked offshore, so like whatever.  No, it's just because the world is full of people like this guy:


You may recall him as the potential mayoral candidate who said this before getting in trouble for posting pictures of his erection on Twitter:

When I become mayor, you know what I’m going to spend my first year doing? I’m going to have a bunch of ribbon-cuttings tearing out your fucking bike lanes.

Well now he's saying this:

He says the city should offer tax breaks to employers that encourage their workers to commute by bicycle.

Wait, so your boss is going to encourage you to ride your bike to work, but your mayor is going to tear out your bike lanes?

What an asshole.

I'm sure now he'll claim he was originally misquoted.  "I didn't say I was going to tear out the fucking bike lanes, I said I was going to whip out my fucking ween and post it on Twitter.  If nothing else, I'm a man of my word."

Anyway, that's how it works: I wake up feeling happy, and three-quarters of an hour later I'm sitting on the toilet, reading the paper, and wishing something really painful happens to some politician's balls.

Speaking of riding to work, the Citi Bike bike sharing system of bikes is imminent, and you can now sign up to be a founding member--which I'm pleased to report I just did:


It's $95 for an annual membership, which is less than a typical pair of Fred tires that will be trashed before you even make it to the George Washington Bridge, so if you don't sign up you're a freeloading cheapskate.  Plus you get some bonuses:


The first 5,000 Citi Bike Founding Members will receive:

A special Founding Member key.
Access to a special "members only" preview period for the system.
A 24-hour pass to share with a friend.
Discounts on stylish helmets redeemable at your local bike shop.
Invitations to Citi Bike Street Skills classes -- brief, informal, indoor presentations in Manhattan and Brooklyn that cover important street riding info, including concrete examples of city cycling scenarios and how best to handle them.
$10 off on registration for Transportation Alternatives' NYC Century Bike Tour in September.
$10 off on registration for two great regional rides from Bike New York Discover Hudson Valley and the Twin Lights Ride.
A VIP pass to Transportation Alternatives' Bike Home from Work Party in May.

The first 500 Citi Bike Founding members will receive all of the above plus:

An invitation to the Citi Bike "Ride In" — the inaugural ride to bring bikes to Citi Bike stations throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn.

The first 150 Citi Bike Founding members will receive all of the above plus:

A special Founding Members t-shirt.


You'll also get this talking NYPD action figure:


Press his scranus and he says, "No criminality suspected."

Meanwhile, here in New York the new fixie is not the road bike, or the touring bike, or the cyclocross bike, or the mountain bike, or the fat bike.  No, as we began to see back in 2008, the new fixie is indeed the café racer motorcycle:


While there remain redoubts of Harley-loving, Hells Angels-affiliated bikers in the city, the latest crop of shops cater to young riders with hipster tastes for vintage Japanese and retro European models. The bikes and their parts are affordable, abundant and easily available on Craigslist. That makes it simpler for do-it-yourself mechanics to turn them into café racers—the drop-handlebar style of 1960s Britain that is in vogue—while they hang out at gear shops and community garages that cater to their trendier tastes and styles.


"Café racer is synonymous with hipster," said Dan Rose, a partner at Dutch company Rev'it, which sells functional, fashionable clothing at Union Garage, a gear store that opened in fall 2012.


I really hope the bubble bursts soon and all of these people flee Brooklyn because I don't think I can stomach the inevitable next step, which will naturally be the hipster car culture.  There's already plenty of evidence of it in the gentriverse, and it's only a matter of time before the streets are teeming with vintage Broncos and the gas fight scene from "Zoolander" becomes a reality.  Sure, an optimist might think that they'll at least be more considerate towards cyclists since they cut their teeth riding fixies, but if anything that's the reason why they'll probably be the worst motorists New York City has ever seen.

Lastly, here's a little story about child-portaging:




The father was pedaling with careful determination, while his daughter, using his back as a desk, was writing in her notebook with admirable concentration — obviously putting the finishing touches on her homework.

You got the feeling her last-minute scribble had been performed in transit before. I hope the assignment was not for penmanship.

I'm not sure why this would result in worse penmanship than all the other places kids do their homework, like in the back seat of an SUV or on the crowded subway with someone's ass in their face, but I suppose it's not nearly as puzzling as that rear-facing child seat.

89 comments:

McFly said...

Ass monkeys?

McFly said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEERADICATED!!!!!

McFly said...

Beeeechez

Anonymous said...

Podiums anonymous

McFly said...

I really feel bad about Bogarting the podio but alas, I could not leave things to chance with them pesky assmonkeys.

babble on said...

Mondaaaaaaay! Hello Peeps! xoxox

balls™ said...

Monday can suck my balls.

Kenny Banya said...

top ten ish

Anonymous said...

je suis dan le premier dix

babble on said...

Way to own the podium, McFly!

Yarpo said...

Holy Shit, McFly! YOU SAVED US FROM THE MONDAY ASS MONKEY ATTACK!!!!1
Good recovery from your weekend crash.

According to captcha, I am tingelyi all over.

Top Ten?

Jasper said...

Early doors

Kenny Banya said...

WEEN POST

Anthony"Look at My"Weiner said...

For the record it wasn't even hard. It was in a state of rest.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

McFly said...

Yeah guys I damn near threw out my shoulder patting myself on the back.

theEel said...

weed.

Yarpo said...

Pack Spackle: Top Elevenst.

Kenny Banya is ALIVE! I was sure the Ass monkeys had cratered him.

What a Flood O'Relief!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Actually I do have a comment.

Thanks for the babe!

Kenny Banya said...

"An invitation to the Citi Bike "Ride In" — the inaugural ride to bring bikes to Citi Bike stations throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn."

Not only do they get 500 chumps to accomplish the initial distribution, they get them to pay for the privelege.

Marketing GOLD!

ChamoisJuice said...

As far as bicycles depicted in comic strips go, that rear facing kid seat is fairly accurate.

I went to a grampster party this weekend. Everyone was talking about:
-their chicken coop
or
-their vintage gutless motorcycle.

Someone pissed in the microwave, so that was good.

SPIRIT HUGZ 4 LYFE said...

Snobberoonie, I totally just spirit hugged you!

That is what you are vibin'!

Snobberoonie, to maintain the light-hearted feeling you describedin the morning upon first awakening I strongly suggest to maintain this don't put on pants.

I wake up feeling shitty because I have to go into work and deal with fucktards.

DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!

Paul Bowen said...

"stylish helmets" Yeah right.

the Ass Monkeys said...

We must apologize, we are otherwise occupied today.

Now, I realize Boston isn't a real city and running isn't a real sport (Like pawning books or bike sharing and, I do like the scranus action figure.) but it is marathon day in there (Did you know the lazy bastards (And, bastardettes, let it be known Ass Monkeys are not sexiest. (And, did you know you could have parentheses in parentheses?)) take the day off for everyone to make the running. Isn't that how it is to be stated?) and the Ass Monkeys headed over to the Great Mass. Dump which is home of that lousy baseball team, in order to take their podium for the day.

Happy Bogarting McFly!

Anonymous said...

Bikes to motorcycles to station wagons. The hipsters invented domestication.

Yarpo said...

Snob! Discounts on stylish helments, meaning none that look like road or mountaincyclebike helments. This is your opportunity at last to finally acquire one of those Nutcase Watermelon Helments to accessorize yourself whilst riding your enfoldable cyclebike (of indeterminate brand) down the Hipster Silk Road.

Smart Move jumping on this early, but don't you already own like 37 cyclicles of various vintages and utility? Aren't you depriving a non-cyclicle owner of a ride by using the Citi Bikes? Jus' Wondrin'...man.

JB said...

"If nothing else, I'm a man of my sword."

Marcel Da Chump said...

Founding member.

crosspalms said...

@Paul Bowen
I liked that part too. Think that's why he signed up?

ChamoisJuice said...

Uta Pippig is all you need to know about the Boston Marathon, and the activity of running, in general. Bowels running faster than her feet.

One kenyan man, one swiss woman, and 20,000 losers.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget 26.2 miles of "Why did this seem like a good idea?"

crosspalms said...

Marcel,
Is that Snob or Weiner?

crosspalms said...

Maybe foundering member would be good for Weiner.

MTA said...

34th Street Station

Paul Bowen said...

@crosspalms: Yup. I think this one is very RTMS.

Comment deleted said...

I think fixie cars are inevitable. No transmissions or brakes, and one must constantly drift to slow down. But holy shit, what a zen-like sense of connection and alertness!

P.S. "Spring: The Prelude to Despair" is my favorite title, ever.

What the Hell? said...

Snob's Book. Supposedly therein lies a picture of Prez G. W. Bush riding cyclocross on his ranch with a brain freeze expression on his face. I don't understand what would be so unique about that, he wore that expression for eight years.

Marcel Da Chump said...

crosspalms, Weiner...I should've specified...foundering is more apropos.

Yofilly said...

Wake me up! Before you go go...

Roille Figners said...

Weiner: Can we kick him in the cunt somehow?

Roille Figners said...

That's so funny though Snob, I too wanted to inflict pain on Weiner's balls. Until I hit on the cunt idea.

Roille Figners said...

Maybe that dad should use some of that "careful determination" to get his precious little angel to finish her homework at HOME. AMIRITE PARENTS? Kick him in the cunt.

Monday is Cuntday!
"Kick Monday in the Cunt!"
"All right THANKS. You too!"

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?!!

Fritz said...

Weiner says he is for keeping New York City “the capital of the middle class.”

Are you feckin kiddin me?

Jimboner said...

When my daughter was six she told me how relieved she was to be taller and out of the ass in the face zone. Also adding ¨When you are a small child everyone´s ass is in your business¨.

Anonymous said...

Success! Thank you for joining citi Bike! Your Member ID: 2180

10923 ndDispe

Neil said...

Hi BS,
Quick question: Does your new book provide insights into the transcontinental bike schlep? Advice on taking your own bike vs. renting at destination? Potential book buyers (or maybe just me) want to know!
Thanks,
Neil

bk jimmy said...

A class on street-riding with "concrete examples"--held indoors so you'll be in no danger from actual concrete. I assume this is just a screening of the Joseph Gordon Levitt fixie movie.

Anonymous said...

The Wiener's proposal sounds like a city funded depopulation program. Encourage people to ride to work, give the Boss a tax write off, workers die getting run over by taxis in droves,(weather in a bike lane or not)= less people. Win Win.

JB said...

The cafe racer motorcycle trend can't be too hip, since I saw a dad leave a children's baseball practice on one in the whitey-white suburbs of St. Louis.

P.S. He was likely a d-bag though [surprise!], because he came on the motorbikecycle and the wife and kids came and left on in the mini-van/SUV conglomerate.

crosspalms said...

Paul Bowen
Perfect! The obvious successor to bike polo will be bike fox-hunting.

Anonymous said...

Anyway, that's how it works: I wake up feeling happy, and three-quarters of an hour later I'm STILL sitting on the toilet, reading the paper, and wishing something really painful happens to some politician's balls.

Fixed that for you.

leroy's dog said...

An open letter to Anthony Weiner.

Dear Mr. Weiner:

My name is Rob Ford. I am a mayor of a big city. I don't like bike lanes. I hear you don't like bike lanes either and want to be mayor of New York.

Please send me your email address. I will send you an invitation to a conference on how to rip out bike lanes when you are a mayor.

I will also send you a picture of me without a shirt.

Thank you,

Mayor Rob Ford.

P.S. -- This really is me, Rob Ford. Honest. This is not from a dog. You know that New Yorker cartoon about how on the internet no one knows you're a dog? That's incorrect.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Babble says when you press her on the scranus?

leroy said...

If my dog asks you for Mayor Ford's email address, please don't give it to him.

He's up to something. I just have a feeling about this.

Anonymous said...

Technically babble doesn't have a scranus.

sprint_car_races said...

Comment Deleted @ 12:39 PM,

They already have "fixie cars" They are called sprint cars.

No rear differential, one gear, no clutch and as a result, no starter either. However, they only turn left. I'm sure there is plenty of video on the youtubing.

You can go full-size with mostly ridiculous looking "World of Outlaws" winged jokes, or midget racing.

FWIW, I don't know if they run sprints/midgets without wings these days, but waaaaaay back in the day, the racing was better without the wings.

Anonymous said...

your reason for signing up is that it isn't as expensive as some other things?

babble on said...

True dat... no scranus here.

Leroy... he's sneaky, yer dog. Better keep him on a short leash today. I think I might have let it slip that you can email Robba the Fords at mayor_ford@toronto.ca

sorry...

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Buffalo Bill said...

I am the very definition of freeloading cheapskate.

Anonymous said...

Does she have a taint? What does she say when you push it?

Anonymous said...

I would think that dune buggies would become the next hipstermobile, but the generation that knows what "speed buggy" was has outgrown their ironic period.

I'm thinking maybe pogoball.

babble on said...

um, I'm right here...

babble on said...

Hey heyyyyy! I just found out that if you write in to a politician, say the mayors of Toronto, for example, they HAVE to respond. Jabba the Fords are waiting to hear from you!! :D

Roille Figners said...

Ohhh those fuckers Fords! I am totally going to email them right in the cunts!

grog said...

Really? You juxtapose our fave babe with a weiner? Repent. If you don't you're a freeloading cheapskate.

Anonymous said...

Oooooo, looks like a V7 Sport.

Yum yum.....

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Fixie cars, you say? Try a 100cc kart, they're fuckin' stupendous.

hey nonny mouse

JB said...

Dear Ms. Babble,

Thank you for comments. We will take them into consideration.

Regards,
Robs the Fords

P.S. Let's see some full frontal already.

babble on said...

Holy fuck... what's up with the Boston Marathon??

Roille Figners said...

RE the Marathon, I'm blaming that one on the CIA, but they'll presumably blame it on North Korea somehow. Wagers?

Anonymous said...

I demand immediate background checks on all bomb purchases from hence forth!

Even if they are just for personal protection.

JB said...

Yikes.

Comment deleted said...

Anon @ 3:50: I don't think you're supposed to say "bomb".

Anonymous said...

Hey snob, found a helment rant-relevant cartoon here: http://www.tundracomics.com/content.asp?CAT_ID=45

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 3:50: too soon, too soon.

DB said...

I've run Boston. I've got more running miles than biking miles. My heart is broken. Understand if no blog tomorrow, Snob.
"If you are losing faith in human nature, go out and watch a marathon."-Kathrine Swittzer.

anonymoose said...

Hey hey hey! NO Weeniers on babes! Visey versy,O.K? Not the other way around!
And here in the People's Republic Of Illinois, our hearts go out to the folks in Beantown. Two locals, one a high school track coach, were there, and thankfully, unharmed.

Anonymous said...

@ Roille Figners-3:36, wars are fought for power, not principal. Even Lincoln knew he could not allow the South to secede, and destroy the economic powers that were, so power was the reason, and slavery, secondly, the principal. How has that worked for the slave? Hell, we couldn't even get a true descendant of slaves in the White house. I ask, Power, or Principal?

Anonymous said...

Homework on a bike. Great! Some one turning a bike ride into work. For kids! Oh wait, "Freds" do that every time they get on the bike.



Anonymous said...

Speaking of "Freds" While shopping, I saw a little boy wearing his "Spiderman jamies" while with his mom at a store. Could the silly costumes "Freds" wear be their way of wearing their "spidee" pajamas in public? Or an out right super hero fantasy, costume and all?

Anonymous said...

Big cities: bad mayors. No surprise there. Come on Bike Snob, these guys are fodder for your blog. You need them.

Chiralspiral said...

One of your co-stars WRM:

http://blog.brooksengland.com/wps/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/DASHING1.jpg


It would appear that the front brake is directly connected to the rear...

Sean said...

Meh.

JB said...

Chiralspiral: "cross" levers

Knuckler said...

At least with the baby seat facing backward, he might be able to actually pedal...

Perry said...

I think the thing that annoys me the most about hipters it that they are now "discovering" all the same that I did in my twenties. And I am sure that it is all the same shit that the generation before me had done in their twenties. Yet, in spite of all of the evidence to the contrary, these dumbasses with their tight pants and their ironic facial hair think that they somehow invented this shit. Like I am sure no one has ever owned a vintage motorcycle before the hipters came along. People just used to throw those old Moto Guzzis rather than having to suffer the inconvenience of having to change the oil. One bright side might be that motor cycle repair shops will thrive and there will be a new crop of Darwinian deadenders to swell the numbers of available donor organs.

MICKY Sanrez said...

This video is a great blog and great knowledge . I think it would be even better if it joined with knowledge in this blog .
I suggest you follow this link to the video to guide you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcbNeewOgoE