Friday, April 12, 2013

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Well, it's been a week of good news for New York City cyclists, assuming your definition of "good" is gazillions of bike dorks descending upon the city in numbers large enough to block out the Sun.

Firstly, the Five Boro Bike Tour (otherwise known as the "35,000 Half-Shorts of the Apocalypse") has managed to dodge that $1 million NYPD shakedown:

The decision by Justice Margaret A. Chan had been largely expected after hearings on Wednesday in which she appeared unconvinced by the city’s arguments for classifying the annual event, known as the Five Boro Bike Tour, as a noncharitable athletic parade. That determination, she wrote, “is unreasonable and cannot be confirmed.”

Yeah, right.  "Athletic" my scranus.  It probably took Justice Chan five minutes on Flickr to reach that decision:


Of course, if you have a more competitive bent but you're still a raging dork who prefers to ride with thousands of others, you'll probably opt for the Campagnolo Gran Fondo New York, for which I just received the route announcement:


This is indeed probably the most heavily-trafficked Fred corridor in the world, so with 6,000 riders out on the course it won't be any different from any other Sunday in May--except that there will be drug testing.

But perhaps the most exciting news is that the first bike share stations have been popping up like smugness mushrooms in the gentrification strongholds of Brooklyn:


Remember: studies have shown that 78% of bike share bikes have traces of semen on the saddle, so be sure to always use a decorative hygienic seat cover:

I'll be selling these at the bike share stations at $25 a pop.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll see the definition of speed.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and give me $25 for a shower cap or you'll die of an infectious disease.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) The NYPD describes its treatment of cyclists as:

--"More than fair"
--"Tough love"
--"Indifferent"
--"Tough shit"




(You could probably fit a pretty big bomb in there.)

2) If a tractor-trailer is abandoned in Brooklyn, who moves it?

--The Parks Department
--The Department of Transportation
--The Department of Homeland Security
--Nobody







3) A New York City Councilman is proposing a ban on clipless pedals, arguing that they discourage cyclists from stopping at red lights.

--True
--False







4) Fill in the blank:

Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William Blakely drove at 90mph with his ________ hanging out the window.

--Arm
--Head
--Tongue
--Genitals






(They're racing these?  Seriously?)

5) There is an ElliptiGO World Championships.

--True
--False






6) Toronto Mayors Robs Fords will try to kill a Toronto bike rack with:

--Kindness
--Bullets
--Showers
--Cheetos






7) What is this?

--A big guacamole bowl
--A "Dutchtub"
--A giant helment
--The bottom half of a "Velopig"


***Special "I Can't Believe It's Not Portlandia"-Themed Bonus Video***


112 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ass Monkeys… ATTACK!!!

Anonymous said...

The Ass Monkeys are finding Snobbie to be surprisingly predictable…

McFly said...

ASS MONKEYS STAND DOWN!!!

mikeweb said...

Ouch! I don't like being attacked..

Anonymous said...

The Ass Monkeys like predictability is a Snobbie…

Anonymous said...

yup

theEel said...

WEekEnD!

McFly said...

Heel you bitches.

Eat your banana's. That are laced with LSD.

Astroluc said...

kwiztym

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Anonymous said...

aaaaaa

Roille Figners said...

TOOP TWEENTY

(freakish 8-fingered left hand)

(yes that includes the thumb)

rwaiee feenyay

McFly said...

THESE RESULTS JUST IN: 78% of 100% of Babble's saddles have semen on them.

Gravity....friend or foe?

This also expains the frequent creaky crank issues.

Better stay off that folder Babs, you will have it seized up.

balls™ said...

Damn masturbating ass-monkeys distracting me from the finish line. Somebody ought to put a stop to that.

babble on said...

There are a fuckload of definitions for ass monkeys, and a surprising number of the definitions work in this context. The question is WHICH ass monkeys do we have here???

oh. And

HAPPY FRIDAY PEEPS!!

Jimboner said...

drinking beer already.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I ride a bicycle for an excuse to shave my legs....

Marcel Da Chump said...

laterN 712

babble on said...

Hello, my name is babbles and I am a giant dork with a love of semen on saddles. Every saddle needs a little semen.

Anonymous said...

we needs more russian dashcams to catch more genitalia

Anonymous said...

Right under Babble. Yesssss!

Roille Figners said...

What's all this about seamen on the saddles? Did the Navy show up?

crosspalms said...

Wow, put a bike lane in and the neighbors are out on the street within minutes. Abandon a truck and it sits there for 5 months. Maybe truck owner was inspired by those dump porn photos.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Good geography lesson today. I learned that Wenatchee is not on the Chattahoochee. Who knew?

Also, I shave my legs even in the winter when I am not riding much, but, alas, that was CJ posting again under my name.

He shaves his armpits and waxes his butthole.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I could have contended, but I was busy with the big dump porn archive, and who really gives a fuck anyway?

Instructions for learning to ride. Wow... Such earnestness... It's like Peter Paul and Mary... or something.

babble on said...

Don't be afraid of a little semen...

What's that? Snob wants to sell the crazy shower caps?

I meant to say be afraid. Be very afraid.

Anonymous said...

thanks for teh boner inducing leg shot babble. schwing!

ein haufen sheisse said...

Guys that shave away from the face zone freak me out.

I was under the impression that babble would accept semen anywhere, I don't know how I feel about the limits set to bike seat only.

Bagel time!

babble on said...

You're ever so welcome! And semen is good everywhere. Er... I mean BE AFRAID!

Anonymous said...

Babble your legs are amazing but would be much prettier with pecker tracks scattered about like so many turkey feet on Silverado back glasses.

Anonymous said...

oh those bicycling bells are so magically delicious

Buffalo Bill said...

Crap, I looked down.

Anonymous said...

ochie mama babble lady, nice leg!!!

DB said...

Snob:
I will need a bike when I head for NYC next month.
I'll just pop into R&A Cycles in Brooklyn and put a nice one on your tab.

ein haufen sheisse said...

Wow Babble!
The reason you might experience motor vehicle operators driving like fools around you may be from your poor choice of riding clothes.

babble on said...

hmm... you think?

streepo said...

Avid-De Yrne-be

ChamoisJuice said...

"Montagna dell’Orso or, as the locals call it, “Bear Mountain”. "

Holee shit. I am 100% confident the mountain is called Bear Mountain. I'm surprised these tossers didn't try to rename the Hudson, the "Fiume de Pesto".

Route Nein-W!

Bama Phred said...

It is a great Friday.. I'm surprised the big rig isn't covered in graffiti.

ChamoisJuice said...

My manscaping routine:

Shave face twice a week.
Shave the balls and grundle, trim the pubes to a reasonable length.
Pluck any random shoulder or back hairs.

I would like to clean up the butthole, to reduce dingleberries and increase salad tossing, but waxing is SCARY!

grog said...

Assmonkey: If you can catch it from a toilet seat or a doorknob, then you can catch it from a bike saddle. Be very afraid.

Fred Zeppelin said...

parry’s co-star is a vintage bicycle: suspended in a mechanic’s stand on stage, and outfitted with electronic pick-ups, the bike is played by percussionist Brad Hart, who conjures an astonishing array of sounds on his ”iron horse”, creating a richly textured and utterly unique sonic accompaniment to Parry’s songs and monologues.

and then I puked into my mouth.

Anonymous said...

More VeloPig orimafuckingkillyou!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

MORE TITS

the commentariat said...

ChamoisJuice, thanks for over-sharing.

ein haufen sheisse said...

Babble, I speak from personal experience. I know you like to get eye fucked but some people with vajajays don't like unsolicited attention.

That's all.
What are your other hobbies?
I like to burn things!

Clydesteve said...

Are those KKKlansmen on bicycles in the background film for the Portlandia episode?

Roille Figners said...

NBC(nDWIe): It's like the Folksmen. Or no -- Mitch & Micki.

Babble: So hot. I just jizzed on the seat of the CitiBike I was riding.

"Wastes from this home including saddle-semen are conveyed to Jamaica Bay by means of this miniature-sized waste-rivulet some huckster had the nerve to call a ditch."

babble on said...

Dear Snob,

You're THE BEST. Thanks for all the giggles. xoxoxoxox

Dooth said...

Great...now I have to wear the pink body suit for this year's 5 Boro. And I can't get this ass monkey off my back!

leroy said...

Ride joyfully all!

Skiptooth Lotus Eater said...

What's THAT on Monica Lewinsky's Brooks?

Bamaphred said...

The new Snob book is truly great. A testimonial embracing two passions, family and cycling. Then I migrate over to the blog/comments, which I think I might refer to as the free-for-all, or orgy, or playground, maybe all three. It's all good!

Anonymous said...

I have 5 bikes and at least 4 have semen (in the saddle, BB...). So make that 80%.

Anonymous said...

Babble,
Your gorgeous thigh, peeking out from that skirt on that bike was enough to send me into an epic fit of onanism

JERK OFF!

Anonymous said...

I fail to see how the link for the "correct" answer to the ElliptiGO question supports the truth of what is being asserted, unless perhaps the race is being held in a cemetery.

babble on said...

anon - I did NOT have sexual relations with that saddle.

Ethics in Albany, ha ha ha said...

Chamousjuice @ 230: "Fiume de Pesto" NYS Senator Malcolm Smith wants the Gowanus Canal renamed "Fiume de Pesto" because where he's going to be sent de Pesto is going to be flowing from his ass.

ChamoisJuice said...

wishiwasmerckx is a turkey-humper.

wishiwasmerckx said...

ChamoisJuice is a ball-licker.

ChamoisJuice said...

I know you are but what am I?

wishiwasmerckx said...

A big douche.

ChamoisJuice said...

Shut up.

ce said...

Roille Figners, thanks for putting the shit ditch back on the agenda for today. I've been thinking about it and I am leaning towards labeling it a "rill". What are your thoughts?

wishiwasmerckx said...

No YOU shut up.

David said...

Gotta say, it is getting way boring down here in comment land. Can we get some spam filters for anything related to ass monkeys, any of ChamoisJuice's drivel, and most of the jizz-dribbling adolescent whimpering directed at Babble - stop encouraging them, Popess.

Roille Figners said...

Interesting -- a rill. (A shit-rill down from Shit Hill.) Rill is not a word I knew before now, but I do believe rill fits the bill. It's just like this photo here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rill

...except, you know, with shit.

David said...

...I meant to finish with have a nice weekend and enjoy your bicycles, but my fingers were twitching.

Frilly Chick said...

wiwm--you just keep shaving those legs, haters gonna hate.

Have a great weekend everybody!

Anonymous said...

In the new remake of fight club,
WIWM = Edward Norton
ChamoisJizz = Brad Pitt
Surprize, they're the same dude...

the Ass Monkeys said...

We are so jealous of wishiwasmerckx being a turkey-humper.

crosspalms said...

If you take away the jizz-dribbling adolescent whining, what's left of the Internet?

crosspalms said...

... whimpering ...

sorry

the Turkey Humpers said...

We are all brothers and sisters.
Why can't we all
just get along?

the commentariat said...

I reached gently up her cloaca until I reached her oviduct, then exploded...

Hey, enough with the turkey porn!

Philip said...

Anyone else confused by the existence of an "Eden" Weiss? Doppelgänger? And wow - free big rig. Plus, no ass monkeys, please.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ, everybody has the right to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm rubber; you're glue...

Anonymous said...

If an Ass Monkey humps a turkey in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, will WCRM ride his bike there anymore?

Perry said...

I love that Robba the Fords gif. I could watch that all day and still chuckle a bit every time that fat, stupid oaf falls over.

By the way, my captcha includes the word "cippols." I think that's a terms for a mess of little Cippos. And there is a mess of em, I'm sure.

ChamoisJuice said...

LOLLERCOPTERS, I don't know how many assholes are using the "ChamoisJuice" moniker to talk shit anonymously, but it is more than just this asshole.

I posted the comment about Bear Mt and shaving my grundle... the rest are imposters. Maybe I should abandon this handle and go back to "anon 10:18" or "Missy Giove" or "Graeme Obree" or whatever

I always wonder where leg shaving roadies stop shaving?

One of the only cool roadies I've ever known, was one of those unfortunate men who are completely bald at a young age, but are furry everywhere else.
He shaved his head. His chest hair kinda merged into his neck hair, so when he shaved his face, he shaved his neck down to the t-shirt collar ring. And he shaved his legs up to the shorts line.

When naked, it looked like he was still wearing shorts and a long sleeve.


Perry said...

By the way, I like being in 80th place because it means I have had a chance to read and consider all of Babble's comments.

Cippols of the world unite!

Perry said...

ChamoisJuice - I recommend PoppaWheelie as your new handle.

the Assholes said...

Sorry cj. Busting wiwm's chops is too easy to pass up.

David said...

@crosspalms said...

"If you take away the jizz-dribbling adolescent whining, what's left of the Internet?"

Excellent point. Hopefully, just enough to read on a lunch break so we don't have to waste the rest of our lives scrolling through dross.

babble on said...

I love the bike song. The man sez Evalyn's brother plays for Arcade Fire.

It's not Portlandia, cause it's the opposite of Portlandia, Torontonia. That makes this is capital A Art, because she is an Artist flourishing under the weighty chains of oppression.

Dave said...

The antidote to the poisonous musical duo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izDvYokFU7U

Yarpo said...

The Ass Monkey Handler has won the Commentariat Race at least four times in the past week. Time for Samh to be recruited back into the fold to keep the ass monkeys where they belong...in someone else's ass for starters!

C'mon Samh, yer needed to keep those damn ass monkeys off the podium!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, hey Babble, nice thigh shot. REALLY NICE THIGH SHOT! Now for a shot of the rum...

Gawd, that bonus video sucked.

moosedrool said...

Turkey humping ass monkeys waxed my butthole!

Yarpo said...

Ass Monkeys: the North Koreans of the Comments Page.

McFly, that was a fucking Brave and Glorious Thing that you did, jumping up and ordering the Ass Monkeys to STAND DOWN as you did...AND adding to your pal-meh-res with a place on the Podium. Fast reflexes and panache all in one package. A grateful nation of douchebag commentators NEEDS you in this hour of Ass Monkey Crisis.

Has ANYONE heard from Kenny Banya, or is he to be an Ass Monkey Crisis Casualty and Martyr?

Where is (ZOD) when we need him/her/it?

Yarpo said...

Moosedrool,

That is a shocking and painful admission to make. Your butt has my condolences. The rest of you does too for that matter.

Have some of this rum, you'll feel better or forget faster.

DAMN those turkey humping Ass Monkeys and their butt-waxing ways!

Your bike saddle may feel more comfortable with a freshly waxed ass...I mean, a humiliating butt-waxing by Ass Monkeys must have SOME silver lining, after all...

No, you're right, IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE TO HAVE YOUR BUTT WAXED BY ASS MONKEYS and WHERE IN THE HELL IS (ZOD)????????????

toko baju muslim said...

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Anonymous said...

This guy is either a fool for leaving this much bike locked up outside with a $150 lock or he's high as a kite-flying Lobster:
Just wanted to let you know that I am one of the bike owners. I have already retrieved my bike however it was heavily damaged. Both rims were bent and the frame had significant damage. Obviously this damage is from the way my bike has been handled. I inquired who to send the bill to and they sarcastically told me to basically eat it. I am waiting for an attorney to return my call however I fully intend to sue. My bike is worth $900.00 alone stock, the lock they cut was worth another $150.00, and the custom additions I've added (custom paint scheme, etc) is worth roughly another $1500.00. I also intend to go after damages if possible.

ChamoisJuice said...



On Sunday morning between 7-9am (GMT +1), Eric Barone will attempt to break the downhill mountain bike speed record, on a highly customized MTB.

He is 52 years old. This is what happened 12 years ago, when the diminuative Frenchman set the record on a homemade crabon bike.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151389209526872&set=a.162147481871.120925.121627751871&type=1&theater



Eric Barone

ChamoisJuice said...

This video is better. More funny accents, and detailed play by play of crabon explosion.
http://youtu.be/JLRDRzMWIsg

Jimboner said...

96

pengobatan said...

mantap cui!! lanjutkan!

McFly said...

Thanks Yarpo. But I must confess I used all my fast relexes and panache up getting on the podio for today I crashed my Cannondale in LBL whilst pullng over for nature. In my defense I got some new cleats and they require about 12 more ft lbs of torque to come untethered.

It WAS a glorious day and I am going back tomorrow for some mountaineeringbiking on the infamous Canal Loop.

ASSMONKEY FREE SINCE 2008!!(They Spray in yearly)

McFly said...

*it

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

leroy said...

My dog had a great idea for a contest.

Figure out a text & photo to send to Anthony Weiner to convince him not to run for mayor.

I suggested a shirtless photo of Rob Ford and a standing invitation to an international conference of mayoral bike lane bigots and an après conference hot tub party.

But I'm sure someone can top that.

(101st. Century podium.)

Yarpo said...

McFly,
Hope you're alright and undamaged after the crash! Glad that you still had a glorious day and plan on riding the Canal Loop (of reputed infamousness-ness) tomorrow. Have a GREAT ride and wear LOTS of helments!

Goddamn Ass Monkeys ambushing your Cannondale like that. What's this world coming to?

I'm heading down to the basement to tell my Cannondale that I love it RIGHT NOW!

ChamoisJuice said...

http://youtu.be/UH9NX9R8c8k

I find this man fascinating. Here, he is helping Markus Stöckl break his speed record. He is carrying Stöckl's bike up the volcano for him. I like his Metallica tshirt tucked into spando half shorts. I like his congratulatory hug, backslap, kiss, head cradle that leaves Stöckl looking confused and shamed.

http://youtu.be/Y-gi6z3h8hk
I would like to know whether he broke the record, didn't break it, bitched out, or died.

ALocce said...

Glad you find him fascinating, but oversharing....

ChamoisJuice said...

News: he had to abort at 150kph/96mph when he tested at 1/4 distance. That`s when the rear Mavic crabon wheel came apart.

A kid that he takes care off, tetraplegic, set a new ski speed world record at 130kph.

And here is another video.
highlights:
-bikerfox dismount off a moped
-riding a bike over hot lava
-doing a backflip on a moped.

Gary said...

Dear Snob: I have an idea for a competition (non-Strava variety). By way of background, before I began reading your blog I did not know what a "Fred" was; indeed, I hadn't heard the term. Today I began a ride to the Marin Headlands trails, in Sausalito. I have never, ever seen so many Freds. It may not be just be Sausalito; the town is on a major Fred flyway between Marin and San Francisco. I propose that readers nominate a favorite city or town for the title of Fredricksberg. You will choose the winner. To start the competition, I hereby nominate Sausalito, California.

leroy said...

Dear Gary -

We are all Freds. The difference among us is one of degree not kind.

At least that's what my dog says.

JB said...

McFly, I used to ride the Canal Loop almost every day, when I was working/living in Pudookah for about 6 months back in '95. Lots of fun, even on a rigid 26er. Good times. Sigh...

McFly said...

Yeah thats what I was on. It felt good passing 20something year olds on $2000 crabone fibre 29erings. It's an amazing loop.

Ball Park Franks said...

Leroy's Dog @ 1110: "Figure out a text & photo to send to Anthony Weiner to convince him not to run for mayor."

Faux News Wussification Babe with a hot dog (no bun) floating about a half inch from her lips.

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