Firstly, the Five Boro Bike Tour (otherwise known as the "35,000 Half-Shorts of the Apocalypse") has managed to dodge that $1 million NYPD shakedown:
Yeah, right. "Athletic" my scranus. It probably took Justice Chan five minutes on Flickr to reach that decision:
Of course, if you have a more competitive bent but you're still a raging dork who prefers to ride with thousands of others, you'll probably opt for the Campagnolo Gran Fondo New York, for which I just received the route announcement:
This is indeed probably the most heavily-trafficked Fred corridor in the world, so with 6,000 riders out on the course it won't be any different from any other Sunday in May--except that there will be drug testing.
But perhaps the most exciting news is that the first bike share stations have been popping up like smugness mushrooms in the gentrification strongholds of Brooklyn:
Remember: studies have shown that 78% of bike share bikes have traces of semen on the saddle, so be sure to always use a decorative hygienic seat cover:
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be right, and if you're wrong you'll see the definition of speed.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and give me $25 for a shower cap or you'll die of an infectious disease.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) The NYPD describes its treatment of cyclists as:
--"More than fair"
(You could probably fit a pretty big bomb in there.)
2) If a tractor-trailer is abandoned in Brooklyn, who moves it?
--The Parks Department
--The Department of Transportation
--The Department of Homeland Security
3) A New York City Councilman is proposing a ban on clipless pedals, arguing that they discourage cyclists from stopping at red lights.
4) Fill in the blank:
Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William Blakely drove at 90mph with his ________ hanging out the window.
(They're racing these? Seriously?)
5) There is an ElliptiGO World Championships.
6) Toronto Mayors Robs Fords will try to kill a Toronto bike rack with:
7) What is this?
--A big guacamole bowl
--A giant helment
--The bottom half of a "Velopig"
***Special "I Can't Believe It's Not Portlandia"-Themed Bonus Video***