Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Wednesday Is The Loneliest Number



Yesterday I mentioned Lululemon and their translucent yoga pants, and if you're looking for continuing coverage of this titillating lack of coverage then you can rest assured that Aries Poon of the Wall Street Journal is all over the story:


I'm obligated by my own immaturity to point out how awesome it would be if Ms. Poon were to marry someone with the surname of Tang and then hyphenate her name.

Anyway, apparently the translucency issue isn't limited to the pants, and Lululemon also let some see-through swimsuits out the door:

In addition to the problem with bright colors bleeding, the company had transparency problems with some colors of swimwear shipped for last spring as well as a subset of light colored pants, Mr. Buss said.

This story just keeps getting sexier and sexier--unless you're a Specialized-lululemon rider, in which case you have to be fearing for your job:


Yes, with the company's stock falling it's only a matter of time before they start making cutbacks, and you have to figure the bike racing team will be the first thing to go.  Alas, the writing is on the wall for this brave band of She-Freds, and it's as clearly legible as a tramp stamp under a pair of sweaty Lululemon yoga pants.  



Kelly says that as he approached a red light at 30th Avenue at a low rate of speed, the van starting veering into the bike lane. "I looked at the guy and said, 'Don't drive into the bike lane.' And I proceeded to move forward, and he did too, and that was when he hit me the first time with the front panel of the van." Kelly says that when the van struck him again, it was "moving slowly, but fast enough that I couldn't get off of it." As he clung to the front of the van, he speculated that the driver "thought I could somehow escape from this. I was yelling for him to stop, and just shouting, but he had to slow down because there was a car in front of us and he would crush me."

Instead the van crushed Kelly's $1,700 bike, and gave him a few scratches. The police arrived after Islas called 911, and interviewed Gustafson, one of the four witnesses who offered to come forward. "[The police] were very matter-of-fact, very quick. It was my understanding that they would pursue the case and try and catch this guy."

Human beings will be horrified by the driver's utter lack of regard for a person's life, and bike dorks will be horrified by the fact that the victim paid $1,700 for a KHS.  Fortunately, there's a picture of the van, so it's only a matter of time before the police apprehend the driver:


Just kidding!

Kelly said he was told it wouldn't be worth their time: "At the end of the questioning, they said that it's not likely that they're gonna be able to get this guy, because the company that owns the this van may or may not give up this driver; they could say it was stolen. So the police said my best option was to try and sue the owner of the van to pay for the property damage, but that may cost more than the bike is worth."

Clearly the NYPD have hit a new low when it comes to laziness and total lack of traffic crime enforcement.  This is turnkey for chrissakes!  How much easier could it be?  The phone number on the back of the van is 718-TO-FIND-PAT!  All you have to do is dial a phone and the whole thing is solved!  This would be like a nine second episode of "Law and Order:"

MCCOY: Someone ran down this cyclist.  Comb the area for clues.

BRISCOE: Wait, there's a phone number.

[Briscoe dials cellphone.]

BRISCOE: Hello, may I speak to Pat?  Yeah, hi Pat, this is Detective Briscoe, NYPD.  Come to jail.  OK, see you soon, bye.


Assholes.

Sometimes in life you feel like a sucker.  Everybody experiences it at one point or another.  Maybe you sign a cellphone contract and find out they tacked on a bunch of extras you didn't want.  Maybe you bought a Specialized bicycle.  Or maybe you appreciated all this bike infrastructure the DOT has been putting in, so you made a point of stopping for lights and being considerate of other road users, but then you realized the NYPD doesn't give a crap about you and none of the mayoral candidates is willing to support the bike lanes anyway so what's the point?  If they're not going to hold up their end of the bargain why should we?

For that matter, why do I even pay to register and insure THE CAR THAT I OWN?  The other day I happened upon this:


So you're telling me all this time I could have been making my own license plates with a Magic Marker and construction paper, and that instead of waiting on line at the DMV I could have just have the kids at my son's nursery school scribble me some shit?  Well, I'm done registering my car as of now, and not only that, but I'm making my own vanity plate:


If you see me run down a cyclist or a pedestrian, just call 1-800-TUF-SHIT.

Of course, some people think the answer to all of this is for cyclists to wear plastic hats, and speaking of helments, BikePortland reports that kitchy plastic novelty cycling hat maker Nutcase is expanding into Europe:


Which prompted a number of uncharacteristically reasonable comments from Portlanders, such as this one:

They don't wear helmets in Europe. Only America is still into helmets, religion, and other things that provide illusions of protection.

That's why I never leave home without a helment, a religious pendant, and a musette full of dental dams.

Anyway, watching Nutcase try to scare Dutch people into wearing plastic watermelons on their heads should be good for a laugh.

Lastly, you'll be pleased to know that Lance Armstrong is making baby steps towards hobnobbing with celebrities again by starting with the ones who are too baked to have any idea what's been going on with him lately:


At this rate he should be ready to tackle Alpe d'Huez again in a couple of decades.

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

My big chance, and I've got nothing to say …

Jan! said...

DOPIUM!

Jan! said...

No, seriously: what's the appeal of the "first post!!1"-like comments? The first is the loneliest post, etc.

crosspalms said...

Nice license plate, Snob.

ooh, 2459 Yetaire, the airline that's all ifs, ands and buts

Manfred Mann said...

Blinded by the light.

"Dethrone the dictaphone, hit it in it's funny bone,
that's where they expect it least"

Nothing wrong with pewter

JB said...

Whisky River take me home!

D28 said...

Bill Hicks

thegock said...

TOPP TENN

Anonymous said...

top ten?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Early birds.

Anonymous said...

take a stand on the helment thing already. i'm tired of the occasional reasonable comment in here and i'm itching to see it devolve into all-helment-all-the-time flame warz.

babble on said...

Goooood morning!

mikeweb said...

Underneath babble again?

DB said...

Whoa!
Early post today.
1700$ for a KHS? I'm thinking insurance fraud.

babble on said...

I like it on top.

babble on said...

Oh, who am I kidding? I like it on the bottom, too, and sideways, and from behind.

babble on said...

So how many of you guys have called that number to complain about their stupid-assed driver?

ChamoisJuice said...

HEEEYYYYOOOOOOOO!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I keep a copy of Willie's greatest hits in the CAR THAT I OWN for when I'm in that mellow mood.

babble on said...

let's just pester the fuckers till they turn him in themselves.

mikeweb said...

Oh! Great idea babble... so many opportunities for crank calls.

I'm thinking of something like this from the Fonejacker, except asking about 'PIVKA' (PVC pipe, naturally).

And for those not in the know, the Fonejacker rocks.

DB said...

A song for Babble by Jet:

Big black boots
Long blonde hair
She's so sweet
With her get back stare.

Fritz said...

"clung to the front of the van by a windshield wiper looking straight into the eyes of the angry driver" ... now if this was only Die Hardest Part IX he could have at that point reached around with his free hand and pulled the Desert Eagle point Five -Oh and shot the angry drive through the wind screeen, if only

grog said...

New York the Umpire State. Ha.

JB said...

At the end of the questioning, they said that it's not likely that they're gonna be able to get this guy, because the company that owns the this van may or may not give up this driver; they could say it was stolen.

What. The. Fuck. They don't investigate hit-and-runs in NYC?

mikeweb said...

And yeah, a driver deliberately uses a vehicle to physically assault someone and the cops are basically like, 'yeah, that really sucks. Too bad we can't do anything about it. Sorry', is pretty pathetic.

I guess we know now how it felt to be Native Americans back in the old West.

DB said...

Biking in NYC sounds much more exciting than here in the Midwest.

Buffalo Bill said...

Blue eyes crying in the rain.

Anonymous said...

ANYTHING in NYC sounds much more exciting than here in the Midwest.

Fixed that for you. Do you do anything in the Midwest that doesn't involve a 30 bomb of cheap beer?

Comment deleted said...

Wednesday Willie Weed.

OK, that's it. It's open season on bicyclists in NYC. New York's Laziest have made this very clear. Fuckers.

Nina said...

Aries Poon. Phrasing. Nutcase. Phrasing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS4QGEQaclk

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@ Anon 12:02

No.

Comment deleted said...

"So? Lots of people get shot. You have a picture of the shooter? Big deal. He'll probably just say he didn't do it. You can try suing him for loss of blood and bodily damages, but it probably won't be worth it."

Marcel Da Chump said...

A Poon, Tang Missed Connection.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

ahhh... why didn't anyone tell me it's wednesday today! i finished my maryjane last night thinking it was the lonliest number.

balls

dnk said...

@Comment deleted: plus, he can just claim that the gun was stolen....

mikeweb said...

In addition crank calling Pat, if anyone would like to call the 114th precinct of the NYPD where this happened, here are the numbers:

Precinct - 718-626-9311
Community Affairs - 718-626-9327

The C.O. Is Deputy Inspector Stephen Ciabisi

balls™ said...

I wear my helment and a condom everywhere I go, 24/7. I take safety seriously.

McFly said...

Sometimes in life I squeal like a fucker.

P. Bateman said...

so....are we all going to coordinate prank calls to that number of what?

or coordinate actual, angry calls telling the owner to turn over his driver?

feel like we have some good opportunity here.

I'm calling for Pat. Pat McCrotch.

here is a link to mark knofler's calls if you want to study up. "Please try to pay attention charlie..." http://www.phonelosers.org/mark/

Anonymous said...

wow, the police involved in that case need to be fired.

Perry said...

The guy who got hit by the van is lucky that the police decided not to ticket him for creating a public nuisance for riding around on the front of that van. The police are probably now watching him too because they suspect he is in a bicycle gang. Bicyclists - similar clothes, similar activities, they tend to congregate together - all of the hallmarks of gang activity.

Anonymous said...

Babble can you stand flat-footed and hold your ankles for 3-5 minutes? And also, do you have some Lululemon's with an access port?

I am looking to fill the position of dishwasher unloader.

Cipo's Baker said...

"The C.O. Is Deputy Inspector Stephen Ciabisi"

Isn't that bread made with olive oil?

Anonymous said...

Lulu's stock will rebound. Cipo's buying all translucent inventory at full retail and is passing then out to every woman he sees.

Tails from the NYC Humane Society said...

If Leroy's dog had been riding that bike the cops would have done something about it.

Once a cat chased my dog up a tree and more cops than you could count showed up. They had a SWAT Team there and a helicopter hovering above. Of course the tree was in front of a Duncan Donuts and I noticed the cops kept excusing themselves to go inside to use the bathroom. When the DD closed the cops all left. Dog is still up in the tree.

Anonymous said...

who is your daddy, and what does he do?

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/arnold

ken e. said...

cue bad 90's reference...

UNBL VBLE

Paul Bowen said...

The police inaction story is just beyond. NYPD have simply withdrawn any protection from cyclists and it won't do - protest, protest, protest.

Anonymous said...

Had a pair of Castelli shorts in the 80's with a textured lycra panel that I quickly found out was like looking trough dark sunglasses. They were really comfortable so I only wore them under tights in cold weather.

Anonymous said...

When did Liz Lemon start selling helments????

Dave said...

So, as I understand it, the anti-helmeteers would like all helmet users to stop using helmets so as to create the impression that cycling is so safe that they need not worry about helmets, and non-cyclists wearing clogs will very soon flood the streets, crowding them so much that all traffic will slow to about 8 mph. That's how they like it in Europe, where all drivers carefully defer to all non-drivers. See any flaws in this logic? Anybody?

I honestly do not care whether anyone else wears a helmet. Feel free! Oh-oh, here comes another psychopathic van driver!

Fritz said...

Protest all you want it won't do shit

Critical Bike ride all you want they will hate you more

When you have them dead to rights
with a You Tube video and deep enough
pockets to hre a real mean lawyer...then and only then will they take notice

FUCK New York man am I glad I left there in 1995

Anonymous said...

Fritz' healment:
http://i.i.com.com/cnwk.1d/i/tim/2011/01/21/cheese_head_83054833_610x458.jpg

Dooth said...

I wish Mayor Bloomberg would ride a bike around town (no NYPD guards)...and all cyclist issues will be solved.


maxammo 911, how apropos.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

David said...

107yeebgram

It said "Type the two words," so I did.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

flyover states 4ever

Jed said...

Ms. Poon, or may I call you Sweet? My surname is Tang, and I have a proposal...

Anonymous said...

Law & Order w/ Briscoe,
Willie Nelson,
some stuff about bikes,
I'm happy to read a reference from the good ole days of Law & Order before that SVU new fangled mess.

Ghost_of_Andrew_Jackson said...

Lulumon has boxes of production samples. It would be so easy to show anyone who cared how the contract manufacturer screwed up. Except Lulumon screwed up.

Lulumon's (that's a GAP brand) blame shifting is so 'merica 2013.

Geez Snobby, if they are disappointed with a Speshulized/Merida, they would be really, really disappointed to own a Ritte.

Anonymous said...

I had my wallet lifted here in NYC a few years ago. I didn't realize for about an hour and when I called to cancel a credit card they said that $10,000 in charges had been made in the last hour, a large chunk of that at a single electronics store. I filed a police report and suggested they go to that store and take a look at the video for the time where they made the charge. Seemed like a reasonble idea and a way to at least get a picture of the perp. the officer taking my report laughed at me. the moral of the story is that NYC's finest are not just indifferent about car on bicycle crime, but most crime. Unless you commit it while on a bike (spitting for instance).

Anonymous said...

Wildcat:

You should add condoms to your musette of dental dams. What's the good of liquor without poker, right Babble?

2577 Byeensel

Anonymous said...

www.girlsinyogapants.com

i can't access this from work, but I have a feeling it's good viewing.

Triple Swag Fred said...

Yo Ms. Poon! I got me a musette fulla dental dams ritte here!

CommieCanuck said...

Europeans don't wear helments..but you fail to point out that European curbs are made of styrofoam, and all those castles are in fact bouncy castles. Besides, when you're broke-ass in debt, who gives a shit?

As for arguments to wear helments...two words:

Gary Busey.

CommieCanuck said...

TANG POON

Anonymous said...

Scathing! And now I'm more pissed than I was when I took my lunch break. Fuck NYC - moving to London.

Frilly Chick said...

Right, rct! Bud Light anyone?

Snob I still have my Specialized and I still ride my Specialized. And yes there is a certain sense of smugness and pride, however short-lived, when somebody says nice bike. No worries, I'm fully aware that I will never be able to live up to its potential.

Frilly Chick said...

Hey and a follow-up question to yesterday's convo regarding the transparent shorts. How do you know you're having that issue if the person riding behind doesn't tell you?

Is there an expiration date on shorts?

CommieCanuck said...

"www.girlsinyogapants.com"

With those pics, you really aren't adding much by being see-through.

Anonymous said...

Hairy Spoon

CommieCanuck said...

How do you know you're having that issue if the person riding behind doesn't tell you?

I'll field this one...if you don't hear anything from the person behind you, you can safely assume that either your shorts are opaque as Newt Gingrich's soul, or your ass is being constantly admired. No news is good news.

Anonymous said...

Huh, no wonder everybody wants to kill cops.

Comment deleted said...

Frilly, to add to Commie's observation: in your (sweet-cheeked) case, be alert for the sounds of panting, lycra stretching to its breaking point and drool hitting the pavement just behind you.

Anonymous said...

Check out:
http://www.embrocationmagazine.com/store/gaulzetti-cabron

crosspalms said...

mikeweb
Fonejacker's hilarious!
You might like this guy, although he only has the one video.

3G said...

I lol'd


endiaci - Italian for "in the tailpipe"

mikeweb said...

crosspalms,

Very Camus-esque (a compliment).

babble on said...

Right... what's a musette without a couple of condoms in it?

Frilly - love the pink profile pic.

Henry Wadswoth Longfellow said...

It just dawned on me that I have an awesome porn name...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

if you insist on an accident report you can usually get the legal goodies coming to you.

Always insist on an ON SCENE accident report

Irie Spoon - seen? said...

"Anonymous Tails from the NYC Humane Society" @ 12:28.
I could hear that story with Bob Dylan singing it a la Bear Mountain Picnic.
Nice.

Anonymous said...

They don't wear condoms in Europe. Only America is still into condoms, religion, and other things that provide illusions of protection.

Anonymous said...

The good thing about not wearing a helmet is actually the opposite of not wearing a condom. Using a helmet increases the possiblility that you live to pass on your genes, the other reduces it. The right one reduces it.

Anonymous said...

"Tire tits" are better renamed Tire Penises. But that's prob'ly sexist, too.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:10,
Well they sure did make a big whoop-dee-doo about their new God-Pope.

Test Tickle said...

TOON PANG

wishiwasmerckx said...

Although laws vary from state to state, where I live you could sue PS without worrying about the driver.

Anonymous said...

Swimming with crocodiles is dangerous. Ask any Wildebeast.



Vegas said...

Oops, I forgot to comment, how weednesday of me.

Finally, crAbon I can drink! How much will it reduce my braking distance, though?

seffieu
Seff ME? Noooo...

Anonymous said...

No doubt Mr. Kelly (I'm guessing no relation to Ray and Greg) left out the part of the story where he started throwing a hissyfit and began banging on the side of the van because the driver put a tire over the line into his precious bike lane. Holy JSK, how DARE he!

(Here's a hint kid - you know that steery-thingy you hold on to? You can use it to go around vehicles in your path. Even if it means leaving the bike lane for 5 seconds!)

FOB hilpsters take note - NYC drivers, especially commercial drivers, don't tolerate those antics very well... as you've seen.

Anonymous said...

"Only America is still into helmets, religion, and other things that provide illusions of protection." Might unprotected bike lanes and "share the road" laws be included in this group?

Comment deleted said...

anonymous @ 7:01, thank goodness we finally have an eyewitness account! (I mean, aside from those 4 other people who were probably communist-leaning bi-cyclers themselves).

And clearly, touching, or even pounding on a multi-ton metal vehicle is just cause for using said vehicle as a weapon of potentially lethal retribution.

velobotomy said...

Vegas,

To calculate the crabon drink's potential reduction of your braking distance, just measure your skid marks.

Would-Bill Maher said...

Going all crazy about a pair of pants, but nothing on road rage or gun craze...

Only in America.

Lance Boy Lancelot said...

They call me Mellow Yellow!

wishiwasmerckx said...

100th!

Anonymous said...

Aries poon is the best poon. Not like that shitty Capricorn poon.

Nathan said...

Bret sighting: http://www.thevirginiatrafficlawyer.com/library/virginia-beach-completes-construction-on-7-miles-of-bicycle-lanes/

Stan, that's S T A N Wiggins said...

C'mon, the van guy was only practicing his right to vehicular cycling!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Comment Deleted.....Huh!

Polystyrene Head said...

@2:09PM As for arguments to wear helments...two words:

Gary Busey.

Yep, couldn't agree more - that's why I always wear a motorcycle helment when I ride my bicycle, and walk, and climb ladders, and take a shower, and, well you get the idea...

Leo Tang said...

Aries Poon, will you marry me?

Straight ahead or L, R, L, R said...

Pat was probably salomoning his van up the grade in order to summit.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Lady Freds! Nice!

Angie Kritenbrink said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I've been away from the States for so long that I sometimes forget that helmets are still taken seriously there.