Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Only Thing Worse Than Being Talked About Is People Telling You What You Can Do With Your Genitals

Remember how yesterday I posted the trailer (trailer is pretentious for "commercial") for my new book?  No?  Well you should probably go see a doctor and get your brain checked (I know a great brain guy, he even takes Obamacare)--unless you didn't read my blog yesterday, in which case you should cancel that doctor's appointment.

Anyway, the reason I mention it is that I wanted to thank My Dutch Bike in Sausalito for lending us the bakfiets:


If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area please visit them for all your Dutch bike needs.

[By the way, if you're wondering what it's like to ride a bakfiets over the Golden Gate Bridge, I wouldn't know, because hilariously and ironically we picked it up and returned it via SUV.  Go USA!]

Speaking of my literary output, a reader yesterday expressed the following concern:

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Did you manage to slip some sexist stereotypes into this book also?

it's kind of odd how your books all contain sexist stereotypes but your blog is so enjoyable and never sexist. I'd rather look at that picture of that topless woman on the recumbent with David Byrne's face covering her nippes or whatever than that picture you have in your book of the girl on the girly bike salmoning or whatever. 

Please don't be sexist any more! Thanks

March 19, 2013 at 3:20 AM

I'm pretty confident that the book is not sexist since my editor forced me to cut the "Barefiets and Pregnant" chapter.  Nevertheless, I'm certainly happy to oblige you on the topless-woman-on-the-recumbent front:


Oh, sorry, I forgot to put David Byrne over the nipples, but this should make up for that:


David Byrne's disapproving gaze is more than enough to make you forget you just saw a pair of nipples.  It's like a "Men In Black" memory zorcher for the libido.

[And please don't complain that the recumbent image is "NSFW."  If your boss complains just show him that photo of David Byrne, he'll forget all about it.  Or she'll forget all about it.  Because women can be bosses too--except for that pesky "glass ceiling," of course.  Damn this capitalist phallocentric hegemony!]

Maybe pro cycling team sponsor Lululemon should put a David Byrne iron-on transfer onto the crotch of their see-through yoga pants:


Apparently due to a problem at the factory, there is “a level of sheerness in some of our women’s black Luon bottoms that falls short of our very high standards,” the company said today.

It's also wreaked havoc on their stock price:

Lululemon stock fell 3.8% today and is down another 5.2% in after-hours trading.

Though on the bright side, most yoga classes are experiencing a 300% increase in male registration:


("Just hopin' to spot some labe.")

Speaking of inequality, yesterday I snuck in a bicycle cycling ride since a bunch of snow was about to fall on us, and on my way home I passed a street preacher.  He was hooked up to a microphone and he was very upset about how people of the same gender sometimes like to rub their parts together and get married.  "God created Adam and Eve!," he bellowed, "not Adam and Steve!"  He said it with smugness and pride, beaming as though he had come up with the phrase himself.  Clearly he thought it was Oscar Wildian in its wit, even though it's one of those phrases that instantly reveal the speaker as a moron, right up there with "D'uh," and "Help, I got my testicles caught under the car hood again."  (Sorry to be sexist again.  Of course women also work on their cars, and I'm sure every so often they get their labia caught under the hood.)

For a moment I thought of challenging his logic.  Who's to say God didn't create Adam and Steve?  How does he know they didn't live in a tidy, fashionable section of the Garden of Eden where Steve ran a boutique that sold designer fig leaf loincloths?  Then I marveled at the sublime audacity of using one total bullshit story to debunk another--as though story of Genesis is perfectly sensible, yet the idea that God might have also made two guys who like to hump each other is somehow ridiculous.  Finally I realized I should just keep my mouth shut in the interest of my own safety, because anybody who plugs himself into an amplifier so he can shout about the evils of butt sex is obviously completely insane, and possibly also violently horny.

Nevertheless, I learned two things from this encounter:

1) Americans are stupid, and many of us think that if something rhymes it has to be true;

and

2) Cyclists are really no different from religious lunatics.  Think about it: believing in Adam and Eve but not Adam and Steve is just as arbitrary as thinking road racing is "cool" yet triathlon is "dorky"--especially when you consider the substantial evidence to the contrary:


(By Klaus of Cycling Inquisition)

I watched that for at least 45 minutes, and I challenge you to look away any sooner than that.

And here's some more evidence, forwarded by a reader:



What is this Fred doing?  Riding an invisible bicycle?  Playing basketball?  Reenacting the creation myth of Adam and Steve in mime?  It's anybody's guess.

I will acknowledge that as animals we do need to have some taboos.  After all, we can't just go around killing each other, eating our young, and inbreeding, as much fun as all of that would be.  I suppose this is why we evolved into the sorts of animals that invent religions--it's about survival of the species.  At the same time, we're uniquely equipped to disregard these taboos when it's convenient.  For example, your religion may tell you not to kill people, but if someone insults your religion then obviously they have to die.  Also, the law may tell you not to kill people, but it's perfectly fine as long as you're driving:


Oh, and here's some shocking news:

The city also recorded 18 cyclist fatalities, down from 22 in 2011, and 35 motorcyclist deaths, an increase from 32. For the third year in a row, the city said, no pedestrians were killed in crashes with cyclists.

I don't believe it.  You mean to tell me cyclists haven't killed anybody in three years?!?  Following the local news had given me the impression that cyclists were the most dangerous people on the road.  The New York Post alone makes it seem like we're killing like ten people a day.  Next thing you know, people will start realizing that drivers are the real problem and then the DOT will finally start installing speed cameras--oh, wait, no they won't, because the police don't want them:


“Many speeders are unlicensed, some are operating under the influence and sometimes they are fleeing crime scenes or carrying weapons,” the group’s president, Patrick J. Lynch, said in a statement. “Cameras let all those dangers slip by.”

He said that money allocated for speed cameras would be better spent in hiring more officers.

Yeah, that's a great use of funds.  Think of all the cyclists they could ticket.

Maybe we really should ride invisible bikes like that Fred I mentioned earlier.  Here's one potential design forwarded to me by another reader:



Though that might be as useless as tits on a bull--or on a tire, as forwarded by yet another reader:


Cannondale R300 Touring Bike - $500 (Lindenhurst)
   


For sale. brand new 13 year old Cannondale R300 24 Speed Touring Bike. dark green color. aluminum frame, mavic rims. it has a 23" inch frame. Bought brand new in 2000, rode around cycle shop parking lot and then put away. brand new, "tits" still on tires. asking $500, but if im out of line, give me a call and let me know a fair price. call Steve at 516-476-2380 for info. Thanks for looking.

I don't know what "tire tits" are, but I'm pretty sure that's sexist.

90 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh shit.

Anonymous said...

Not prepared for this at all.....

mikeweb said...

Recumba-Byrnes

Anonymous said...

Someone, anyone....

Anonymous said...

POOD EEUM

McFly said...

Ewwwwwwwwww babe!!!!

Big Charlie said...

Fell during the transition.

babble on said...

but it's fun talking about genitals!

S├ębastien Lamarre said...

For the first time I noted the Birkenstock on the naked lady. SOooooooooooo unsexy...

P. Bateman said...

top ttttttttttteeeeeeeeennnn tits

ken e. said...

nice save!

200 mm stem said...

2 Wicked

ChamoisJuice said...

Doggone goofy tiller effect!

babble on said...

Ooooh! You've gotta love a llittle babe labe!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I never tire of the "the topless-woman-on-the-recumbent"

Thanks Angie!

Comment deleted said...

Yeah, but how many car drivers were killed by cyclists aggressively smashing through their windshields? Hah? I thought so.

McFly said...

Go see the fine people at TheFixFixFix.com for all your tits on tires needs.

balls™ said...

Speaking of yoga pants...
Have you ever been on one of those group Fred rides and have the not really pleasure to notice that the rider in front of you is wearing an old pair of worn-out shorts that might as well be invisible.

Thank Lob that at least the chamois hides their balls/labia.

Anonymous said...

"Tits on Tires" is that like "dykes on bikes"?

Kai Vallon said...

How embarrassing... Poor guy couldn't get on the bike.
Please include the "barefoot and pregnant" bonus chapter when you release a paperback of the new book.

RANTWICK said...

My guy isn't brain guy per se... more of a "head" guy.
Mordecai McBumpanoggin

He's good though, so I already saw your fine disturbing book video.

babble on said...

mmmmm tits. Who cares if they're on tires? Oh! and Speaking of tits - THANK YOU FOR THE FULL FRONTAL BABE!!

You so rock, snobbers

and don't worry, you're not sexist. You're sexy... specially in the purple scarf. Very Euro...

mikeweb said...

A few times I've ridden up behind a womanly rider (possibly the same one each time) who was wearing nothing on the bottom but tights. No, not Lycra tights, actual wool or polyester fashion tights. Those things are very see through. Especially when the morning sun is shining on us from the back. I coasted for a long while that day.

Jimboner said...

45 minutes later...

Tom Bonnen said...

My guess is tire "tits" are those tiny little rubber, pokey, extruding, flappy tabs that possibly indicate how worn you tire is. Nipples would make more sense, but would be confused with spoke nipples. So they are called tits.

babble on said...

And don't worry about making the sexy talk, either. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to please everyone... it's a case of Dammed if you do, damned if you don't.

So please do!

2wheeler said...

I looked up "hegemony" to make sure it was used correctly. I'm happy to report that it was. Originally I thought it was a fee for gardening.

Anonymous said...

TIRE TITS

LONG STEM

Anonymous said...

http://www.merriam-webster.com/audio.php?file=teat0002&word=teat&text=%5C%3Cspan%20class%3D%22unicode%22%3E%CB%88%3C%2Fspan%3Etit%2C%20%3Cspan%20class%3D%22unicode%22%3E%CB%88%3C%2Fspan%3Et%C4%93t%5C

Anonymous said...

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/teat

Anonymous said...

james joyce said that a pier is a disappointed bridge, having seen your beard in that vid I think I know why you left brooklyn.

Anonymous said...

speaking of suvs delivering bafkeats, whilst walking my dog at noon yesternoon I witnessed a fellow leave his office park, climb into his hummer, drive 3 blocks to the gym, and then run on a coal-powered electronic treadmill device.

we are so strange.

Anonymous said...

http://www.yankodesign.com/2013/03/07/the-ultimate-citi-bike/

Look! A city bike that folds up when you ride it!

Anonymous said...

what's better than yoga pants. Sheer yoga pants. duh. I'm going to quit my day job, become a yoga instructor in the burbs. Nothing better than a room full of MILF labes in yoga pants. Who's with me?

Anonymous said...

FORD= First on Race Day, or... Found on road dead! That folding bike shows off their Nascar race pedigree= FUCK TURNS!

Jimboner said...

That James Joyce comment make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

not to get off topic, but I'm slightly wary when the trailer for a book called "Bike Snob Abroad" is filmed in San Francisco. Or is it, "Bike snob: a Broad."? In which case I suspect the book is going to be sexist. Oh never mind..

Anonymous said...

I never tire of tits.

Blog Drafter said...

Hey, it was like, three of those European degrees on Sunday...give that Sky rider a break. His brain was frozen.

I used to think that religion drove people crazy. I realized one day that people are crazy and religion is just one of many manifestations of that fact. Everything's been a lot easier since.

McFly said...

Dammit Babble. If you are going to post long videos from behind of you doing physical activity I think you could be a little more creative.

I want to see you unloading the dishwasher.

Perrico Delgado said...

Tetas de Toro...Ole!




Anonymous said...

meanwhile in Boston - a cyclist dies (5 last year in the city - and one very high profile death in Wellesley), it's front page news, multiple editorials and much hand-wringing over whether or not our streets are safe for non-motorists (and how the media is feeding into this sentiment that it's somehow ok to harass cyclists), and this year we get crazy "bikes are everywhere!" signs and city officials saying things like 'the obvious solution are cycle tracks, but we need something now before we get full funding...' and in another community the police are the ones pushing for bike facilities.

around here if someone dies in traffic it's considered a failure - in infrastructure, in education, in keeping drunk drivers off the road, etc... - in NYC it seems like it's more just the cost of living in the "greatest city in the world."

leroy said...

Well now this is odd. Apparently, "downward facing dog" isn't just a yoga pose. That explains those fitness classes my dog has been attending.

Now if only I could figure out what a "sit and spin" class is and why he thinks I should go do that.

Anonymous said...

It's actually been at least 4 years since an NYPD officer has been mauled to death by a kitten, but PBA president Pat Lynch urges the city to hire more police to drown all the kittens because it could happen at any time.

mikeweb said...

Blog Drafter,

+1 on both observations. Just my 2 cents.

Buffalo Bill said...

Thanks snob, my nipple related reading requirements have been satisfied for the day.

Anonymous said...

Finally watched your trailer. Never occurred to me that you would like just like Bono.

Fred Clydesdale said...

Cycling-related dementia setting in, re: tits on tires. Maybe you should go see that brain guy

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2010/04/earth-to-bikes-save-me.html

CommieCanuck said...

I've known about the Lululemon yoga pants "problem" for months, but I wasn't going to tell anyone. It's awesome.
Was that sexist?

YOGA PNTS

2LiveCrew said...

Fuck a Stalin clap, I'm popping a booty clap on this bitch.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you alone cannot defeat the burdgeoning idiocracy.

But I like the way you try.

Anonymous said...

When I bought my old skool mtb from some older gentleman on craigslist, he said the wheels still got "for lack of a better word, the tits on 'em."

Anonymous said...

u mispelt 'bludgeoning'. or 'burgeoning'. or 'budgieism'. or whatever.

CommieCanuck said...

NYC it seems like it's more just the cost of living in the "greatest city in the world."

It's just not a World Class City™ unless you run over a couple of hundred cyclists. Toronto has zoomed up the rankings since Robs Fords was elected.

By the way, recently, Robs Fords got high on coke at a fundraiser and grabbed the ass of his political opponent*.

*allegedly.

babble on said...

Emptying the dishwasher in my lululemons...?

CommieCanuck said...

Robs Fords on cocaine...like hippo-in-heat time at the zoo,

babble on said...

Though of course Robba the Fords will deny fondling her ass until the evidence makes a mockery of his lies.

CommieCanuck said...

Emptying the dishwasher in my lululemons...?

That comment is pointless without pictures.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Not laughing at "Reenacting the creation myth of Adam and Steve in mime" requires mime over matter.

CommieCanuck said...

As a controversy , it gets a B+. It would have been an A+ if he grabbed the ass of George "Smithers" Smitherman.

dwatts said...

I couldn't look away from that gif. It was like the first time everytime!

DerZoots said...

Boston is an easy town to ride in.
You just need to pay attention.
End of story.

Funny how the signs are for BU children only. Wouldn't want mom & dad to stop cutting tuition, rent and living expense checks now would we. Might put a dent in the collegiate economy this town depends on.
Dollars to donuts if it weren't BU kids getting crushed there would be no signs.


hitrien1706

babble on said...

I can't understand why the stock price went down instead of up... Everyone knows sheer is all the rage this year.

Let me see... yoga photos, photos of the man doing dishes (girl porn)...

huh. Not a single photo of dishwasher yoga.

have to work on that.

babble on said...

It would be an A+ controversy for any other politician, but he's no lightweight when it comes to controversy.

jno62 said...

Thanks for the laugh. Good stuff.

JB said...

Have you been to a university campus lately? Yoga pants. I was on campus at the height of the over-sized clothes grunge era. Yoga pants. Not fair. Yoga pants.

Canadian Division of Weight Watchers said...

Rob Fords probably didn't fondle her, he was probably just squeezing by her and his gut rubbed against her tush while she was unloading the dishwasher.

P.S. Up in Canada they sure do put excitement back into prison breaks.

babble on said...

mmm hmm... I hear you.... yoga pants loaded with babes' labes.

babble on said...

We rank high on the creative criminals scale. And we'll score even higher once Robba the Fords is finally locked up where he belongs.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I watched a video where a bicyclist ran a red light and was hit by a car. 18 cyclists died last year; hmm I wonder if any of one of them was responsible for his or her own death, say by, running stop signs or red lights, or something like that. As you said, Americans are stupid. I suspect that includes Americans who ride bikes.

Vegas said...

Snob, we talk about you AND tell you what to do with Rucumbabe's genitals, guess you have it pretty bad.

And I'm with Babble (but who isn't) why did Lulu's stock go down? It should be going up, isn't "almost like wearing nothing at all" a premium feature? That's what the Trojan Man sez anyways.

Thridly, yaeh why does that Sky Guy have so much trouble getting on a bike he can see when others have no trouble riding invisible ones?

townyip
Yo, robot, no soy.

bikesgonewild said...

...recumbebabe in sidi's would be seriously straight up elegant & much mo' sexy...

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Bakfiets across the bridge - well, of course getting up to the bridge, especially from the Sausalito side, is always hard work with the hills and the headwind, and then, assuming it was a weekday, which as memory serves, it was, you would be plowing across on the east side, with barely an inch to spare from Italian and Japanese tourists wandering in every direction trying to get the perfect photo of the towers, and three hundred assorted tourists wobbling to and fro on their rental bikes, trying to take pictures on their phones as they go...so all things considered, the SUV was probably a mercy all round.



I know, TLDNR...

Anonymous said...

@1:52, I'm not wary at all because San Francisco is not part of AmErica.

bikesgonewild said...

...generally cyclists ride at all times on the west side away from the walky, talky crowd but there are times when work is being done on that ocean side & & then one must ride amongst foot traffic that is actually worse than you described...

...on weekends, even the 'cycling only' side is fraught with danger due to the discrepency of speeds, attitudes & attention spans...

...still a beautiful ride & a 'must' when you come to town though...

Frilly Chick said...

Congrats on the podium MkeWeb.

And, Vegas, tell me more about your prophylactic experiences. Favorite brand, ribbed, lube, no lube, etc.

Anonymous said...

re: Tire Tits; I expect Tom Bonnen at 1:24 PM is correct.

Furthermore, the technically correct term for those little protrusions is "vent spews" and while that term does have some appeal, I think we can all agree "tire tits" is almost always a preferable term.

March 20,2013 at 8:12 AM

the_confabulator said...

DerZoots,

Same in my college town.

The restaurant staff and other poor are to blame for riding bikes when a car is so much better.

They are probably blowing their wages on drugs. It was their decision not to get a job that paid well.

Anonymous said...

Scrodium!

Anonymous said...

Wow, now people can surf the net and talk on their phones at the same time. Add driving and you have a real multi-tasker. Note I didn't say text. That would be illegal, at least in Idaho.

Anonymous said...

I've always heard those tire thingummies called "whiskers." " Tire Tits" has a nice ring to it...

Anonymous said...

Of course God didn't create Adam and Steve. He created Adam and Steven.

7" Stud said...

Magnums.

7 cm Stud said...

Thimbles. Ribbed thimbles.

paulb said...

WCRC, I forgot to offer my congratulations to you on your trifecta, or hat trick or whatever you call successes in threes. It's not a tiny thing, you know.

paulb said...

It would be very obvious to make lewd comments on my phrase "tiny thing." Please resist the temptation.

Anonymous said...

For sale. brand new 13 year old Cannondale R300 24 Speed Touring Bike.

uhmm brand new =/= 13 years old.

paulb said...

During the 90s I chased down a guy who assaulted a woman, but after I caught him and held him for the cops I couldn't remember exactly which brownstone stoop he came out from under. The two cops weren't going to do anything so I started knocking on ground floor doors and windows in the general stretch of buildings, shouting what seemed like the obvious thing, "Was anyone here just assaulted?" One cop said to the other, "hey, this guy really means to do something." So it goes.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Very cute, but it doesn't prove anything. As previously mentioned, you blog does not strike me as sexist, while your books have.
We'll reconvene on this once I read your book. ;)

I would also like to state for the record that I was not posting at 3:20 AM. I live in Seattle and it was only Midnight:20 AM Pacific Daylight Time here.

Anonymous said...

I've been away from the States for a while now, and I always forget that styrofoam cycling helmets are still taken seriously there.