Monday, March 18, 2013

This Just In: I'm In A Video! (And I Have A Book Too!)

Remember how awhile back I had to go somewhere to make a video with a bakfiets?  No?  Well, it's not important, apart from the fact that here it is:



This is where you Stalin clap:



Thank you.

As much as I wish I could just flit about the country making wacky videos all the time, the fact is I can only do it when it's a special occasion, and the occasion for this one is that I have another book coming out in May of this year:


If you told me ten years ago that I'd have published three books before the age of 40, I'd have replied, "Only three?  How many of them were New York Times bestsellers?"  When you told me that none of them were, I'd reply, "Wait, none?  So what color is my Porsche?"  Then when you told me I don't even have a Porsche, I'd ask in a quavery voice, "OK, so the beach house.  It's in the real Hamptons, right?  Tell me it's not in Hampton Bays or some cesspool on the North Fork, right?"  Then you'd tell me I don't have a beach house either, and I'd drop to my knees and emit heaving sobs over my profound failure.

Other than that though I'm tremendously happy.

Anyway, the book will be available from all the reputable booksellers and probably some disreputable ones too, and in the meantime you're welcome to pre-order it.  I'll furnish you with direct links in the not-too-distant future, but pending that if you let your fingers do the walking (that's what we used to say when there were phone books) I'm sure you can find it.

As for the book's content, I don't want to spoil it, but the short version is that it's about how riding bikes with your family is beautiful and about how when you do it in another country where it's normal you realize that the United States is a sick society with little regard for human life--but in an entertaining way:


At least for the time being, this will be the last full-length Bike Snob-themed book, and while I wouldn't use the word "trilogy" I do think this one will neatly tie the three books I've written together, and that they'll all look great sitting next to each other atop your toilet tank.

Lastly, I can't imagine anybody would want me visiting their city, so you'll be relieved to know that this time around the plan is to visit Cleveland and a small handful of other places.

Cleveland.

Moving on, all the pro bike racers are congratulating each other on finishing Milan-San Remo because they took a bus instead of riding over a mountain:


At Pavia (40km), the sextet had 10:35 in hand, and they averaged a brisk 46.4kph for the first hour of racing. By that point, however, the rumours of snow on the Turchino had been confirmed and the race organisers were compelled to come up with an ad hoc solution to ensure the safety of the riders.

It was decided that the race would be neutralised for 46km between Ovada and Arenzano: rather than climb the Turchino, the peloton would stop at the 117km point and clamber back aboard their team buses, re-starting over an hour later.

This gave the riders time to enjoy a quick sandwich:


As well as a much-needed "massage:"


There's nothing better during a cold ride than a cup of cocoa and some warm blood.

(I generally like to give a blood bag a quick 20 seconds in the microwave before I transfuse it.  Then, when you put it in, it feels like you're peeing yourself, but in a good way.)

Look, I know it was miserable and all, but couldn't they have come up with something a bit more sporting than a bus ride?  Why couldn't they have just switched to fat bikes at the base of the climb?  Even those stupid "quads" would have been more in keeping with the spirit of a bike race:


(Bicycle racing for the beef jerkey set.)

Worst of all, everybody's fawning over Taylor Phinney again:


MILAN (VN) — Taylor Phinney (BMC Racing) is sending shock waves through the peloton as it rolls through the classics. After a brave ride in Tirreno-Adriatico, he again went solo yesterday to earn a seventh-place result in Milano-Sanremo, the best finish for an American at the one-day race since 2002.

He's never going to get into a good dental school at this rate.

By the way, so who was that top-ten American back in 2002?  If you answered "Fred Rodriguez," you win a zebra print skinsuit:


Following in Fred Rodriguez's footsteps is almost as creepy as getting checked into Room 237 at the Overlook Hotel.

In other news, a cyclist in Brooklyn has been fined $1,200 for a single traffic stop:


Last August, cyclist David Segal received four tickets—three for running red lights and one for disorderly conduct—during the same traffic stop. Segal, the former spokesman for City Councilmember Ydanis Rodriguez, was biking down Nostrand Avenue in Bed-Stuy when he was stopped on August 10th. While the disorderly conduct was dismissed outright, Segal appeared in court Friday and was found guilty in the three red light violations—which means he owes $1,250 for a single cycling stop. But Segal plans to push to get the laws changed to make the penalties for bicycles less than that for cars: "One guy was driving 30 miles over the speed limit, and he paid an $80 fine," Segal told us. "And they literally gave me a fine that is six times more than I paid for the entire bicycle. How does this make any sense?"

It doesn't make any sense at all, but it's worth noting that if he had been riding an absurdly-priced Venge Schmenge then the fine would have been more proportionate, at under 10% of the total cost of his bike:


I'm sure Specialized will somehow use this disturbing fact to their advantage.

Lastly, this past weekend in New York City saw the [who cares]th running of the "Monster Track" alleycat:



This raises an important question, which is:

Which is dorkier, the start of an alleycat, or a triathlon transition?


I'd say it's a pretty close call.

107 comments:

ChamoisJuice said...

smoke weed everyday!

Miles Rockwell said...

I'll leave the rest of the podium for those that pass on the performance enhancing qualities....

Missy Giove said...

BNSYC has a severe complex regarding his inadequecies concerning Cipollini and his stem length.

DerZoots said...

OH shit No PODIUM ZOOOOOOTTTTTSSS


prmatri268

babble on said...

politely clapping...

JB said...

Podium supporter

Anonymous said...

I CAN'T THINK OF ANY
THING FUNNY TO SAY BUT I'M STILL LAUGHING, BECAUSE WEED

DerZoots said...

High Missy!


174togmnip

Fritz said...

I'll buy that book

Paul Bowen said...

Top 10! You USAnians do have some very big house numbers.

Anonymous said...

Top XX!!

S├ębastien Lamarre said...

I am late, I had to shovel my way to the finish line.

JB said...

@Paul Bowen: It's for the pizza delivery guys. I will not wait for my eye-talian pizza pie while the a delivery guys squints.

"1105 Lubefor"

What's "Lubefor"?

DerZoots said...

I like the obese dismount doorman at the tri contest. Neon t-shirt says stop unlike a small sign.
Tri-peopels don'ting read wells on course to a PB.









2414clumboi

Jimboner said...

Packing for Roraima!


1823 eCUMems



Marcel Da Chump said...

Happy trailer, Mr. Snob.

McFly said...

Big fan of the 12 point turn around.

Big...HUGE fan.

dnk said...

Love the vid; looking forward to the book.

Speaking of the Strong Arm of the Law, I got a criminal summons thingy last week for bicycling on a bicycle. In violation of NYC Penal Section 240.20.7 in case you want to play "CSI". That's right, it's not a traffic ticket, it's disorderly conduct. And I was not riding like a douchey fred, either. Nor was I all "getting into the face" of the cops. Not my style, by Jeeves.

It was where S. 4th meets the BQE overpass(Boriquen and Havermeyer), if anyone knows that baleful intersection....

RANTWICK said...

Then, when you put it in, it feels like you're peeing yourself, but in a good way.

GOLD.

Looking forward to book #3.

crosspalms said...

You'd probably have that house in the Hamptons if you gave up smoking. And no helment? (If the obligatory "you're not wearing a helmet in your video" remark doesn't prove I'm a robot, nothing will.) Good luck on the book -- looking forward to it!

Anonymous said...

*stalin clap*

I can see Phinney's tan line.

ChamoisJuice said...

BikeSnob,

$5 says you can't do a pop-a-wheelie on that bakfiets.

Just go ahead and put the deposit down on a recumbent now..... YOU HAVE GIVEN UP ON LIFE. This blog needs a new name. Bike FUDDY DUDDY middle aged gaper more concerned with practicality and comfort than performance and style NYC.blogspot.com does not have the same ring to it...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice video. See you in Cleveland.

Hey Missy. Big fan since back in the day. Like that dead fish you wear in your nose. Or was that around your neck. In any case don't be a stranger. We need all the cool biker chicks we can get on this message board.

mikeweb said...

I'm sorry to hear that the trilogy will end with a book about international cycling trends.

I was hoping for something more intergalactic.

Jed said...

LEAN BACK
SMOK WEED
WIFE BIKE

grog said...

Fritz, can I borrow your book?
WCRM, Do you mean abroad as in Recumbabe?
I'm so confused. It's nearly Spring and the snow sleet and rain forces me to take the bus. Woe.

babble on said...

Er... what do you MEAN you don't have a house in the Hamptons or a Porsche??! All this time I figured bike blogging was a sure path to success and great worldly wealth!

Holy UkFay. NOW what am I going to do?

Anonymous said...

"Seal of Disapproval" stickers? Please, please please.

cowboy54 said...

Two, and only two, comments.
1)I love the photo of mini-Phinney getting the 'sticky' bottle treatment from his team car....what a cheater!
2)And the pro roadies can't ride over the short climbs in the snow
because ???? Oh yeah, it's unsafe.
Wimps, Weenies, Wussies

Anonymous said...

congrats on the latest book. Looking forward to it.

Anonymous said...

Tilford doesn't have a new book but he is busy catching cats and watching the NCAA b-ball tourney while his shoulder heals.

DB said...

Nice video.
I've been on tumbler (which I was unaware was basically a porn site) watching your video being made and I must say, it came out nicely.
Looking forward to new book and please consider Madison for a book signing.
Happy Belated BD, Frilly, and go SLU!

Anonymous said...

Snobbie:

Where would you go to dental school? It makes a big difference and how much your life is going to suck for the next four years.

Andy on the Gavia said...

"Who the f&%k would ride in snow?"

crosspalms said...

Can't decide if I should buy the book when it comes out, or wait for the director's-cut package of all 3 books plus outtakes and interviews (Lone Wolf: "When BikeSnob first approached me about...")

P. Bateman said...

you have two other books? guess i need to check this out....

112 scentail.

yep, i do like seein' some tail. preferably in front of my face.

McFly said...

You are so damned photogenic.

Well, everything except for your face.

reality_tv_writer said...

That mini-Phinney is beloved by the Boulder cognoscenti over at the UCI propaganda outlet velonews.

He's the next American personality used to grow American cycling viewership. Love him as you did Armstrong.

It should be obvious neither USA Cycling nor the UCI are interested in more people racing bikes, just selling adverts during televised events.

agentdetroit said...

that book promo video is the most retarded thing ever! whomever authorized that piece of shit needs to be fired! really makes me not want to buy the book. are you preparing for a foray into children's books? perhaps three year olds may find the video humorous, but i doubt it...

babble on said...

Who peed in your cornflakes??!

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Trilogy's are a depressing concept, lets call it a Trifecta instead. Sounds much more upbeat.

ge said...

WCRM, Congrats on getting such a premium sponsor as Walmart advertising on your blog. They must have paid big bucks to get in the left hand column. Better get that link fixed if you still want that Porsche.

mikeweb said...

Oops! I meant more intergalactic.

Buffalo Bill said...

Who would have thought rodeo skills would come in handy in a race?

Anonymous said...

my favorite part of that Beastie Boys song is the part where the robot says "I HAVE AN ERECTION! I HAVE AN ERECTION!" over and over.

No one else seems to notice this. Mebbe I pay more attention to robots and boners than normal peoples...

DB said...

I think Rabobank sponsored your video.

Anonymous said...

I was stopped on my bike, I thought, for running a stop sign. 7am, February, Redhook street; an entirely non-residential street, and not another soul about. Cold morning, hellishly cold!. I paid twenty five dollar fine, but not for ignoring the stop sign. For 'spitting in public', honest to goodness. I was so confused that when he asked me did I know it was illegal to spit in public, I earnestly said 'from a bicycle?' and he said 'no, in general' But that's less than a technicality, as we know, I got the ticket because I was on the damn bike.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Agentdetroit,

Next time I'd be happy to look at samples of your work, feel free to forward.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Chronicle could have at least paid to send you to Amsterdam to film your Dutch-themed video versus San Francisco. Cheap asses. Anyway, I thought the video was amusing and look forward to the dropping of the book.

babble on said...

I pay attention to boners!!

bikesgonewild said...

..."... they'll all look great sitting next to each other atop your toilet tank..."...

...well, ya, true & that's where i keep your first two books...

...i just wish your publisher would use a better, more absorbent quality of paper 'cuz those pages are slick, slick, slick when i've forgotten to do my shopping chores...

...just sayin'...

DB said...

That's okay, Wildcat, I've already preorded. I thought video was great.
Was that Solvang, btw?

Anonymous said...

anon 2:52,

Spitting in public in NYC? That's fucking crazy. You should have made a play for the pigs cruller.

Frilly Chick said...

Oh right on DB!

And thanks!

Vegas said...

Oh, are we being hypercritical again? I'm in. SNOB! the stem on that shake'n'bake-feets is way too tall! Yeah! Take that!

grillygo
That was seriously my robot test!

zediies
is the next one cuz I guess I was typing a bit too metallically.

Cipo said...

.....eating podium pussy.

Thats the difference in eating Euro pussy vs. Americano pussy, much more foraging before you find anything edible.

Nelly said...

When I'm riding with my boo, all I think about is you.

Face paint

26206 bertedsh

Frilly Chick said...

BraveheartSnob. Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hey, it's Monday.

Missy Giove said...

Cipo, grow a set.

ChamoisJuice said...

SERIOUS QUESTION?

What mid 90's Cannondale rider would you rather share your girl with?

Mario Cippolini?
Missy Giove?
Tinker Juarez?
Allison Sydor?
or Miles Rockwell?


THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER?

Anonymous said...

I, personally would be stoked as fuck to eiffel tower a bitch with Myles. HIGH FIVES!

Anonymous said...

The trailer must have cost a shedload. If you're short on booze money I can show you where I hid the wino jugs, behind the bushes.

The Pervy Righteous Brother said...

You never close your eyes anymore....when I miss your liiiiiipss....

Perry said...

If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter

Anonymous said...

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/03/18/17358251-4-million-worth-of-marijuana-scattered-on-california-beach?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Had good legs on Saturday. It's early season, and I made the Kessel run in 12 parsecs.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Um, JB, I think Paul meant numerically large numbers, not big dimensions on the houses. In the UK anything over three figures is a bit of a rarity for a street address...

And agent detroit, 'whomever' is the object of a verb, not the subject.
Duh.

ge said...

I wasn't going to criticise your video Snob, but since it's the flava of the day, I found it to be rather dull and derivitive of all the other videos that my employer blocks me from watching. Same old WARNING! The site (or portion of) you are about to visit may contain inappropriate content. I expected better, WCRM.

Comment deleted said...

Escaped from New York yesterday. Now that I'm back in 70 degree Norcal, I'm missing the snow (but not the "mission" burritos).

Hey Snob, come to Davis, and I'll treat you to a "post-epic" burrito.

colavitos_ghost said...

CLEVELAAAAAANDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, so not a trilogy. How about a triumvirate? Or trinity? Too religious? Then call it a hattrick. (or hatty if you're the kind of person who says celly instead of celebration)

crosspalms said...

Omnia Snobbia est divisa in partes tres.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I always clap like Stalin. I guess I'm just jaded that way.

I ride through the snow all the time; wish I had a bus to take.

ysaryet 717; isn't the Ysaryet a river in eastern Europe?

Euro Spondee said...

Video took too long to load. Can't you just do a frame by frame deconstruction like you do with all the other lame stuff you like to make fun of?

Grump said...

After watching your vid on your new book, you had me confused for a moment. At first I thought that you had some sort of sex change operation over there in foreign land.
As for those "bus cheaters". Poo on them. I had a 25 degree circuit race on Sunday, and I didn't get to ride no damn bus......damnit.
.
.

JERK BEEF said...

Jerkey jerkey jerkey!

Dr. Casey said...

BABBLE 327: By applying first aid?

No Spitting in NYC said...

SNOB Book Vid: At about 1:41 you and some other guy appear to drink urine samples. Small wonder you passed out.

Anonymous said...

Judging the book by its cover, it should've been called Bikesnob Anarrow.

The map featured on the cover features only the Americas, the Europes and the Africas. No Asias, no Australias, no Antarcticas.

This is typical hegemonic cultural imperialism. No wonder your empires are crumbling.

March 19, 2013 at 10:44 AM AEST

ge said...

Snob, now that I'm in the utter and abject danger of my own home, I had unprotected viewing of your video, far from protected confines of my nanny state office. I'm stunned. Did you attend a beginners acting workshop at the community centre prior to filming? Because that level of acting far exceeded my mediocre expectations of your (or any blogger's) performance. Bravo RTMS, Bravo. (Stalin clap)

Poppa Wheelie said...

As for your new book, I'll need to use a oft used quote of Babble-on's:

"I'll take it"

Bogusboy said...

Would I be peeing on anyone's parade of self-righteousness if I pointed out that Mr Segal could avoid being inequitably fined if he would stop for red lights?

Anonymous said...

David, he of the 3+ tickets is trying to organize NYC cyclists to change the cycling laws. Write in at fairbikelawsnow@gmail.com and join the holy resistance.

Anonymous said...

Kristin Tieche! Vive le Velo Vogue! (or something like that, I'm sure Leroy's dog speaks better french than I do)

That must've been one heck of a party at the Windmill.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...stalin's clap..."...

...now i get it, you meant applause...as in 'polite applause'...

...i was thinking comrade dzhugashvili had a serious std that ate at his brain thus rendering him the paranoid megalomaniac he proved to be...

...i watched that video 34 times looking for clues...

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Did you manage to slip some sexist stereotypes into this book also?

it's kind of odd how your books all contain sexist stereotypes but your blog is so enjoyable and never sexist. I'd rather look at that picture of that topless woman on the recumbent with David Byrne's face covering her nippes or whatever than that picture you have in your book of the girl on the girly bike salmoning or whatever.

Please don't be sexist any more! Thanks

Anonymous said...

I liked your video, but then again I like your photography too.

McFly said...

I had the "library clap" once.

That girl was kind of slutty for a bookworm.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -

My dog asked me to tell you the trilogy thing has been done.

Here are the promotional materials.

trilogy

[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".

leroy said...

My dog borrowed my credit card to order the new book.

He's been gone awhile.

He says it's hard to find a place with WIFI that makes a decent Margarita and takes credit cards.

Anonymous said...

"Other than that though I'm tremendously happy."
Amaznig! Ths sntence revels the scret of hapines: Total oblivius unawarness of how too use comas! (that's also why the books aren't besstsellers. Thei're comma saobs over theyre at the Ttimes!

babble on said...

Oooooooh! I know that tune! I sing a variation involving a pink canoe!!

Anonymous said...

Any body see the video of the bicyclist who ran a red light and was subsequently hit by the car. Naturally it was the motorist's fault.

Anonymous said...

"Taylor Phinney (BMC Racing) is sending shock waves through the peloton as it rolls through the classics."

TP is an "it" now? Pronouns, people!!

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of your movie is when at first you don't know what to do with the purple scarf, and then you love the purple scarf.

paulb said...

I don't imagine there's a big American market, but I wonder if those bakfiets and adult/kids tandems would be a good addition to the lineup of NYC's own Workmans Cycles?

velobotomy said...

Um, the "peleton" is the "it" in the sentence.

Anonymous said...

Did ANYONE happen to notice that the 'sandwich photo' from @petosagan is an actual trollface? Like, real life legit trollface? That's seriously the funniest thing I've seen all day.

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Whoops, I spelled "nipple" wrong.

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John Vonn said...

This stuff is priceless. The staging, the poses, the expressions. Perfect!
Video books in london

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