Friday, March 15, 2013

BSNYC Appealingly Minimalist Scandinavian Design At Bargain Prices!

Look, I'm not going to waste your time.  You're busy.  I'm busy.  Actually, I'm not busy at all.  Nevertheless, I want to get right into this quiz, because the sooner we finish with it the sooner we can all get out of our pants and into the weekend.

But first, I've received an important bit of information from a reader, which is that a Juggalo bike thief is on the loose in Santy Cruise, Californy:

Maybe he’s just messing with our heads, or maybe we should keep on eye on him. He’s an obese, white male with light brown to blond hair, about 6’2″ tall. Tattoos on both arms; left arm is a crab, right arm is some kind of stylized running man the Insane Clown Posse Juggalo logo. His green backpack with a camouflage pattern looks like about an 8 liter capacity. The trucker cap says “Ontario Heating & Air.”

As I've always said, if you solve the Juggalo problem then you solve the bike theft problem, and if you don't believe there's a Juggalo problem than watch this video again, which I posted once before and which I learned about from Klaus of Cycling Inquisition:

American Juggalo from Sean Dunne on Vimeo.

I wonder if there are any Jewish Juggalos.  I'd be shocked if there were, but you never know.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see Prof. Russolo and His Noise Intoners.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and stay out of those pants until Monday.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

(Sky Freds: Dork From Above)

1) This getup is called a:

--Wing suit
--Flying squirrel suit
--Webbed crotch suit
--Moisture-wicking bishop vestement for the active clergyman complete with integrated scranal child-smuggling pouch

2) Taylor Phinney should use his much-lauded solo ride in this year's Tirreno-Adriatico as inspiration to:

--One day win the Tour de France
--Secure a position as team leader
--Start using performance-enhancing drugs
--Quit the sport and get a real job

(Worth every penny I'm sure.)

3) Dentists rejoice!  Which company has finally introduced a $10,000 frameset?


(Crabon cilnchers: for the Fred who owns a Porsche with an automatic transmission.)

4) Freds rejoice!  Mavic has developed a crabon cilncher wheelset that only costs:


(This could be you.)

5) Which is not one of ORICA GreenEDGE's "Top 5 Tips To Make It As A Pro Cyclist?"

--Work hard
--Be a team player
--Have a "fire in your belly"
--Cultivate and maintain an armadillo-like "scranus of steel"

6) In order to determine proper stem length, you should:

--Endure a lengthy bike-fitting session that incorporates lots of lasers and a technique that has umlauts in the name
--Solicit advice from people who post on Internet forums
--Use this formula: (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V
--Find a tube that puts your handlebars where you want them and then get on with your life


7) Kickstarter is a symptom of a sick and dying society.


***Special "We Get It, You're a Vegan"-Themed Bonus Video***


Blog Drifter said...

I'm not busy neither.

DerZoots said...

Fucken Podiums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DerZoots said...



DerZoots said...

I at Fucken work and killen it!!!!!!!!!


de said...


Milano SanRemo weekendOHHHHH!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

did well today!

DerZoots said...


ChamoisJuice said...

smoke weed everyday!

Blog DRAFTER said...

Top Ten, meh.

Buffalo Bill said...

Durian fruit is for vegans with no sense of smell.

Anonymous said...

This post is slightly insulting in its brevity. The Snoblet must be needing indoctrination into the glory that is Lobism, praise Lob.

JB said...

top dozen?

Anonymous said...

I wonder if 'brah' could be fined for that video. Marsupials tend to end up dead on the side of the road even w/o vegan cyclist intervention.

ChamoisJuice said...

So, I found a Cinelli 1R quill stem at my local bike coop. It uses an expander wedge to tighten the bars and looks hella clean. The bolt is stripped, but I am confident that I can tap the wedge and use a slightly bigger bolt.
These things are 26.4mm clamp. Am I asking for trouble to beer can shim it to use 26.0 bars. It looks so clean and period correct.

DerZoots said...


The 1R and beer can shim not so good for the combo. The wedge usually cracks on the edges. The alloy ones do anyway. Steel replacement ones don't. Good luck finding one though.

26.4 bars are easier to get.

Good lucking to you.


Marcel Da Chump said...

Jewggolo? Nah.

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
Why I rode acrosst Canada by meself without begging on the internet for monies. Back then we didn't have an internet, except for Dr Strangelove. Why is it OK for mallrats wearing the groovy equivalent of squirrel suits to ask idiots to fund their vacations? Is this what happens when everyone thinks like Wesleyan graduates? Get off my lawn etc.
I'm a robot.

Anonymous said...

The Armageddon is here, in the form of a faygo induced juggalo takeover. Good thing they're too obese and/or lazy to leave the street corners they post up on. prime targets for ride-by rotten-mayonnaise- balloonings. Don't worry, the most they'll do is "woop" and holler, spouting off endless streams of monosyllabic nonsense- just watch out for the sprinklings of caustic faygo spittle escaping their gaping, mouth-breather northern orifices.

McFly said...

You can't participate in Koala-Hydration when you have vodka in your CamelBak polar bottle.


pedalin' pedant said...

Obese? Maybe technically, BMI or whatever, maybe by Euro standards, but if you're really trying to describe him, calling him obese is going to throw most americans off the scent.

Olle Nilsson said...

Cleaning the coffee off my screen after the Vegan/Koala comment. Gold, Snobby, Gold!

crosspalms said...

Lasers AND umlauts? Sign me up.

Anonymous said...

finite element analyses...279 of em bitches.

Anonymous said...

..........How to Serve The Koala...

Flyover bike commuter said...

1). That first paragraph was a terrible waste of everybody's time.

2). A scranus of steel would weigh too much. A aspiring pro needs a scranus of crapon, or titanium. I'd go with titanium because, really, who would want to risk the inevitable catastrophic failure of a Crabon scranus.

3). Never seen a wild koala. That one seems to have the same general demeanor as a porcupine, minus the prickly hide.

The Magnificent Omri said...

RABBI FUCKYOMOMA, the Jewish Juggalo!

Anonymous said...

According to the video Juggalos cannot describe what they are, I can confidently say they are not MENSA members.

Anonymous said...

Pleasant greetings from central politeistan.

Comment deleted said...

What I have learned in my week's sojourn in New York:

Fluorescent-y citrus colors are leaking all over the clothing in the shop windows.

Fuck you, Nike.

Also, March weather here sucks.

ChamoisJuice said...


danke for the advice. 26.4 bars only come in pinner euro widths. I want big honkin' 48cm bars. I kinda have my heart set on the Nitto Noodle bars.

The 1R wedge is steel, though the curved piece the wedge pushes into the bars is alloy. I will try the beer can. If it works, it works. If not, didn't cost me anything.

I also found some campy pedals, with polished toe clips, white leather straps with buttons.

What 102mm BB should I buy? Campy Chorus or Phil? The Phil is $10 cheaper my cost. I am leaning phil, but the chorus would keep the group complete....

Anonymous said...

Juggalos is what happens when grunge died and alt rock radio dies. I don't have proof though.

Anonymous said...

Your worried about the damn Juggalo's while Steve Tilford is busy trapping cats and cutting their ears off.

He said it feels good to give back.

C'mon man, step up your feline maming game or MORECATMUTILATIONORIMAFOOKINKILLYA!

ofthstl said...

I got nuthin to add, just checking to see whether or not I'm a robot.

kinda feel like a robot sometimes...

ofthstl 1712

Roille Figners said...

Prof. Russolo and Mark Ruffalo are Jewgalos from Buffalo. Swear to god.

rwaiee feenyay

Roille Figners said...

Hey I hear the 25.4 annular sacrificial bearing for the 22.2mm Euro baffle grommet really extends the torque arm of the primary pinion reach coupling shaft, and, somehwat counterintuitively, holds up better over time than the 28.6 titanium helical scranus spur.

r f

Anonymous said...

Just ordered a new bike made out of Higgs-boson.
Should be fast.

Wildcat: thanks for the tax advice. The private jet was a great deduction.

625 otechaE said...

These people are from Chesterfield! They don't know how good they have it. Stay in Chesterfield! You know, chesterfield: it's like a kind of davenport. Eat chips! Be a Chesterfield tuber! Or get off it and go out to the verandah if you need a stretch.

Just don't bother the rest of us, especially me. Tandem means TWO, ONE BEHIND THE OTHER. Four is TWO TOO MANY FOR TANDEM.

Thank Lob it's Friday.

Anonymous said...

Just got back from an epic birthday lunch. Now crawling under my desk for a nap.

Happy St Paddy's day weekend everybody!

Flyover bike commuter said...

Dayum, that's TMI Roille Figners!

I'm trying to eat lunch and you're writing about 22.2 mm Eurobaffle grommets, and 28.6 titanium helical scranus spurs.

There's nothing worse than an engineer talking dirty in metric detail.

Anonymous said...

The Jugalos video lost me at 0.13 seconds, when I noticed no one weighed less than 300 lbs.

3G said...

Violent J is short for Violent Jeremy Goldstein, and Shaggy 2 Dope is really Hermann T. Rabinowitz. We were bar mitzvah together. Dude could flow a haftorah like a boss.

grog said...


mikeweb said...

So which one is Shannon and which one is Caley?

reality_tv_writer said...


Let the 1r go. Shimming a handlebar with that dainty wedge is asking for trouble.

I had one the first time around and sold a few too. Not great for the average heavy-handed shadetree mechanic.

Throw a BB in there that works and go ride. It just doesn't matter that much.

velobotomy said...

I didn't have the nerve to watch the entire video. Did the cyclist survive the inevitable koala attack?

bikesgonewild said...

...good luck to that attractive & enlightened bunch & their vision for the future..., no, not shannon & caley, i mean the 'american juggalos'...

10010101 said...

The commenters seem a little squirrellier than normal today.

Maybe we need a captcha that says "Please prove you're not a squirrel"

Prove I'm not a robot, suckas
epeirri 582 - BAAMMM!

velobotomy said...

I'm sorry. I should have covered my nuts.

Kool Aid Moustache said...

Down with the clown till I'm dead in the ground!


JB said...

Haven't the Insane Clown Posse guys died in a southern-Ohio-meth-pseuoephedrine-deal-gone-wrong or possibly from type 2 diabetes yet?

bikesgonewild said...

...those cute little koalas have two opposable thumbs on each paw...

...think of the texting possibilities...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

A-a-a-a-n-n-n-d-d GONORRHEA.

velobotomy said...

Koalas have gonorrhea? That won't help their texting at all!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

bikesgonewild said...

...cervelo...stretching the boundaries of bicycle technology well beyond where it needs be stretched...

...hollow dropouts ???...excuse me ???, a 5 gram weight savings !!!, my, what a brilliant fucking concept...i'll bet those little suckers are safe...

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

As I recall from the olden days, it's Happy Birthday Frilly day.

bikesgonewild said...

...ohhh, i didn't realize it was frilly's birthday...i thought she was just gettin' on a lunchtime blast 'cuz there was a b'day at her office...

...hey, frilly !!!...


...yo, frilly girl...


...well, happy birthday, frills...


St Patrick (why didn't they elect me?) said...

Frilly @ 244 Out celebrating with some Roman guy no doubt.

Screen Writers Guild of Canada said...

American Juggalo, did Martin Amis write the script for them?

bikesgonewild said...

...anon @4:18pm...the word seems to be that a percentage of koalas suffer from the std chlamydia rather than gonorrhea...'s not so much that koalas are slutty little creatures but with the males having a bifurcated johnson (dual or split) & the females having double vaginas, the little devils have twice the opportunity to pick stuff up, ya ???...

...hey, i'm no animal biologist, i'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

The only reason koalas haven't taken over the world in an orgiastic killing-spree bloodbath thing is that their staple diet of eucalyptus leaves sedates them.

When koalas are desperate for a fix, they've been known to dive bomb passing cyclists and rip their throats out.

Google "drop bears".

Yarpo said...

Juggalos: just stop.
Blog Drafter and Der Zoots: Congrats!
Frilly for her Victory Yesterday: a belated Congrats and enjoy your nap!
Wing Suits: Love 'em, but not like Koalas.

I feel so cessVat 183.

agentdetroit said...

i've had shaggy 2 dope at my house. i've been to their penthouse. don't get me started about icp...

Dooth said...

The Juggalo video is shown to Guantanamo detainees. It's been proven to be more effective than water boarding.

Anonymous said...

Now here's a sport every juggalo should try:

Also recommended for the wing suit crowd.

akiesa from AK no less!

Perry said...

Insane Clown Posse. Yes!!!! I am so glad that stupid white trash FINALLY have a cause that they can rally around. The man has had his boot on the white man's throat for too long.

You would have thought that Eminem would be enough, but you'd be wrong.

ce said...

The good thing about the "VEGAN" hand tattoo was that it made it easier to determine the identity of the koala attack victim. There was little else left to work with.

Apparently, a Parks Service koala control team later found the camera phone recording of the victims last minutes amongst droppings in a nearby koala nest.

Let this unfortunate yet all too common incident be a solemn reminder to us all: Nature is not Vegan.

Perry said...

Towards the end, the koala was saying "All right, fuck the cup. Pour it in my hand for a dime."

Anonymous said...

Thanks Nebraska Bike Commuter & BGW! It was a good day indeed. Although I ate so much good food today, I seriously feel like I'm gonna pop.

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Anonymous said...

Can I get one of those Koalas as a pet? I'd be willing to fly to OZ and smuggle one out in my pants..

leroy said...

Ride safe all.

Happy birthday Frilly!

My dog is so polite, he often apologizes for missing my birthday and explains he forgot I was born yesterday.

Silly guy, yesterday wasn't my birthday. And everyone knows you only have one a year.

And I wish someone could explain his observation after reading the comment about koala's bifurcated anatomy that explains why they founded Johnson & Johnson.

Honestly, I don't get half the stuff he says.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Heh heh...Johnson and Johnson...

Happy Birthday, beautiful Frilly Chick!

Better late than never, right? That's what I keep telling myself, anyway....

And Hip hip! hooray! You've gotta love Saturday.

babble on said...

He IS very polite, Leroy. I expect he's Canadian.

Dr. Everett C. Koop said...

"He’s an obese, white male..." Thank God there's more of a description because if that had been it it would have applied to 50% of the adult American Male population.

16 Candles said...

Sweet 16 to Frilly.

Dingo said...

Koalas taste like crap. Who wants to eat eucalyptus flavoured anything? Bleah. Give me a rabbit any day. Best thing the colonists ever contributed to this country. Tasty, tasty rabbits.

Anonymous said...

I thought all Jews were juggalos. I mean, what else is a Bar Misfit for?

Anonymous said...

You do realize that riding with no helmet makes you responsible for all the ills of the world, right? I mean, it makes you worse than Hitler. Maybe Hitler-Stalin-Mussolini all on a bad hair day would equal the evils of someone who would endanger the lives of their children and their childrens' children by going head-naked. Hyperbole? Okay, maybe. But seriously, dude, you should wear a helmet. And ditch the phones. I mean, I've seen you, and your hair is not so special that it's going to suffer from a helmet that much.

Anonymous said...

"And yes, I realize Taylor Phinney has had some great results on the track, but the road is really all that matters from a career standpoint, since being a really good track racer is like being really good at bridge. Sure, it takes a lot of talent, but the only people who notice you are old people and nerds."
Dude, it sounds like you're comparing a choice between being some kind of bicycle-rider and being, say, Lance Armstrong's artisnal handcrafted minimalist internal thermometer-finder (the guy who finds it after it has . . . mmmmmm . . . done its job and exited. It's cycling, for gods' sakes. Nobody in the U.S. gives a crap about ANY of it except nerds and old people. Why else do you think the mayor thinks he can solve the problem of obesity by banning sodas instead of encouraging people to move?

Anonymous said...


Canadian Health Care for All said...

Anon @ times to various to list: The mayor should get everyone to move to Canada.

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"Stratos Jet Charters" indeed. Obviously the bot capture doesn't eliminate spam, it just gives you a better class of spam, and keeps the riff-raff out

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