Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wednesday Is As Wednesday Does

Given the awful news coming out of Portland I'm doing my best to remain positive, so instead of contemplating what it is about America that turns people into gun-wielding maniacs (and don't say it's the guns, because everybody knows if we were all armed to the teeth like the Second Amendment wants us to be that this sort of thing would never happen) I'll instead celebrate the capture of the "hipster bandit," as forwarded by a reader:


So what makes him a hipster bandit instead of just a regular bandit?  Here's what:


Oglesby earned the nickname the "Hipster Bandit" after a witness in the August robbery told police that he "looked like a hipster."

Thanks to that witness, police were able to narrow the list of suspects down to only the entire population of Portland.  And if you're wondering what forces a hipster to turn to a life of crime, the answer is something called "heroin:"

Once arrested, Oglesby repeated to authorities, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,'' the complaint says. He told police he was addicted to heroin.


I think the lesson here is obvious: Stay off the heroin, because it can turn you into a total hipster.  Also, buy yourself a gun, so you don't have to rob banks with cowardly notes like some kind of hipster.


(Or, if hugs are not available, as is the case in most of America's broken homes, simply substitute hugs with guns--and plenty of prescription anti-depressants, which don't count as drugs.)

Speaking of Portland, another reader tells me there's actually a show called "American Hipster," and they made an episode all about the "freak bikes" there:


And it opens with somebody who would be an adult anywhere else in the country playing ring toss on someone's tombstone:


"We're in the cemetery and it's stupid dark out.  There are three tires and a bike I might not be familiar with riding, and I've gotta try to get as many tires as I can over the obelisk of a tombstone that may or may not be lit up with a bike light."

I always thought people moved to cities to escape the suburbs and find themselves, but I guess they do it so they can continue acting like bored teenagers well into their 30s--behavior which is often mistaken for being "inventive:"


Until recently the term "hipster" was considered a hopelessly dated cliché used only by the bitter and uncool (that's why I used it), but now it would seem that the idea is to claim it and thereby "own" it, just as other minorities have done with their own slurs.  My theory for this is that there's now a resurgence in hipster pride happening in America's trendier cities, since most formerly hipster neighborhoods (Williamsburg, for example) have since been taken over by real estate developers and garden variety rich douchebags.  Whereas once the hipsters displaced people, now they themselves have been displaced, and so they're acquiring a new veneer of sincerity and humility--unless they manage to make more money, in which case they themselves become garden variety rich douchebags.  By the way, did you know that hipsters are also bikes?  Because they are:


They're also "dangerous:"


This is evidenced by their willingness to rob banks with notes, and to eat donuts shaped like penises:


(He's got two fingers right on that donut's scranus.)

Anyway, after defining "hipster" in various ways the show goes on to explore Portland's freak bike scene:


And to talk to Jake Ryder, a freak bike fabricator:


"I started a new project, it's a drift trike?  Something I can take down the west hills over here in Portland, so it's kind of like an adult Big Wheel tricycle?"

I object very strongly to his use of the word "adult."  Just because it's bigger and he's 30 doesn't mean the word applies.

And here are some American hipsters owning the hopelessly dated cliché that is themselves:


And here's a freak bike that I suspect has toe overlap:


And here's Dabe:


(Right now a bunch of people are going, "Hey, it's Dabe!")

The show never explains who Dabe is, the implication being that if you don't already know then you're a total loser.

Anyway, my first instinct was to laugh off the whole freak bike thing as a childish waste of time.  Actually, that's still the way I feel about it, but then I realized that there's almost no difference between freak bikes and Fredliness--which is also a childish waste of time, something I'm acutely aware of being a latent Fred myself.  (Really, I'm sort of a Fred in remission since I think I've finally managed to quit bike racing and leg shaving, but there's always the possibility of a relapse.)  Consider the "Dead Babies:"


Here are two (physical) adults who actually call themselves "Arizona Dave" and "B-Lez" explaining the club's "philosophy:"



"We find these things?  Like?  Old bikes?  They used to be somebody's baby?  Like, we Frankenstein them back together? "*

*[Please note that this is not a verbatim quote, I tried to transcribe it but it hurt my brain far too much.]

Sure, they're gigantic nerds in biker vests, and sure it's embarrassing that they actually have a philosophy.  (I would have respected them a lot more if they'd simply explained themselves by saying, "Dead babies are awesome.")  At the same time, is wearing a leather vest that says "Dead Babies" any sillier than wearing a Lycra kit with the name of some local business on it that you pay to wear?  I'd argue no, and in fact I'd go so far as to say it's less silly.  Same thing goes for the goofy nicknames.  Is calling yourself "Arizona Dave" any goofier than calling yourself the "club champion" or crafting a bio for yourself on your team's website in which you actually refer to yourself as a "rouleur?"  (In amateur bike racing "rouleur" just means you suck even worse than the "climbers" and the "sprinters.")  Also no, since Arizona Dave is probably from Arizona, but the "club champion" is only the champion of the handful of people who are stupid enough to wake up that early on a weekend and ride their bikes fast before they've even had a decent bowel movement.

And what about this group ride in which the freak bikers all set out after reciting some line from a Roger Corman movie?



Yes, that too seems ridiculous--until you consider the people waking up at 4:30am, putting on Lycra outfits with local business names on them, and riding around at top speed with full colons.

At least the freak bikers probably went to the bathroom.

It's even true of the bikes themselves.  When you think about it, is this:


Any more idiotic than this?


Really, the only reason I might not pick the top bike(s) over the bottom bike is that I don't have any friends with whom to ride it.

Anyway, if nothing else, this video should serve as a wake-up call.  Let he who is without Fredliness cast the first u-lock, and so forth.  Also, cyclocross racers are not exempted from any of this, since this year cyclocross has officially gone Full Fred and is becoming increasingly indistinguishable from road racing.

That's why you should skip all of it and just get a bike sauna, forwarded by another reader:


(Two shirtless men enjoy a playful frond fight in the back of their bike sauna.)

If this bike sauna's a rockin'...

160 comments:

babble on said...

Thank you!!

McFly said...

dafuq

babble on said...

I LOOOOOOOVE naked recumbabe!

McFly said...

Get off me Babble...I'm sorry I mean get off ON me.

McFly said...

You been telling me your a genius since you were 17, all this time I've known you I still don't know what you mean.

Anonymous said...

Good Spondee

le Correcteur said...


top ten top ten top ten

JB said...

What about the Germans?

Anonymous said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

Top 10! First time ever, in anything!

paulb said...

<>

Something I always wondered about.

paulb said...

"wake up that early on a weekend and ride their bikes fast before they've even had a decent bowel movement."

Something I always wondered about.

(Misuse of angle brackets.)

babble on said...

AHA! Finally! Answers to my questions.

So the reason I am hopelessly unhip is cause I haven't done nearly enough heroin?

theEel said...

weed.

babble on said...

get off get on get off getting on getting on getting off and getting off getting on

but where do you get the hip heroin?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Hipsteria!

shaggy said...

Uh, no, the experienced fred has trained his colon to go before the ride. If you're shaving grams and they/we are, that's the best place to start.

Anonymous said...

DEAD BABY

Dingbat said...

Bike Sauna? More like steampunk vagina!

babble on said...

+1 dingbat

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I've been following this blog for so long now I ought to have earned an honorary degree in astro-physics or something.

crosspalms said...

Where does Paavo get his eyebrow paint? And what happened to his real eyebrows?

JB said...

What the non-plussed red-shirted runner (see Dingbat's "steampunk vagina" link)is thinking:

"I oughtta right-hook a biker for this nonsense."

Mike in Dallas said...

"Let he who is without Fredliness cast the first u-lock"

Gold WCRM, GOLD!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Congrats on the podio sandwich babs and Mcfly.

television_writer said...

"I'm sorry I robbed a bank. I'm keeping the money."

Which is exactly what a generation of elite bike racing dopers have done.

Thom Wiesel's products are just a few of them.

mikeweb said...

What a coincidence! My penis is shaped like a doughnut.

television_writer said...

That's not quite right:

"I'm sorry I robbed a bank. I'm keeping the money."

Which is exactly what bike racing dopers have done including Fredly dopers like David Anthony, and dealers like Rick Crawford.

Thom Wiesel's system is only the American source.

McFly said...

I lol'd at the rouler/climber/sprinter trifecta.

The burly maintenance guys ask me what I am laughing about and I quietly say, "Nothing" and go back to being a complete dork.

I would like to sit in the middle of that Baby-Blue Side-By on heroin while Babble and Frilly chauffered me around as I gently petted their sweet asses for motivation.

DUBL SMAK

mikeweb said...

"Attention! Clean up on podium one. Please bring Windex and paper towels.

McFly said...

No way man that shit stings.

Anonymous said...

Portland Hilpsters = No girl friends

Anonymous said...

That's great they caught the Hipster Bandit, but what about the Nigger Bandit?

P. Bateman said...

i don't know why i put myself through the torture of watching these videos.

i mostly want to know how it is that the guy can afford to have a nice big shop with nice big shop tools and afford to spend time building bikes that:

- are not practical in anyway whatsoever. in fact, they are better that way.

- that he fully admits could simply collapse at any time because he "doesn't know" that they won't.

and, as part of their group chant, did they say: "we want to the freedom to ride without being hassled by "the man"? You rich, spoiled, honkey-brats - YOU ARE The Man.

Please let December 21'st be the day that the west coast falls into the ocean. please LOB - take them to your watery wonderland.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

anon @ 12:34 -
He's not on heroin... too fast.

mikeweb - aren't they all?

RCT - cheers! McFly told me to get off, so I did...

Anonymous said...

Last night on my commute home I passed a guy on a TARK MADRONE with crabon wheels. He was also commuting home. I told him that he was riding one hell of a nice commuter bike. He told me that his commuter was in the shop because it was in such bad shape it was beyond his ability to repair it. So I said what happened? The brake pads wear out? ZING!!!!!

TOTAL FRED

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm....

Larry David and Newt Gingrich swatting each other with fronds.

Anonymous said...

No truer words have ever been spoken McFly. Of course I won't tell you which words or in what order.

cycle

Poppa Wheelie said...

As much as I think those hipsters are funny and kind of bizarre, and live their lives entirely different than mine,I laugh because I would totally go out on their freak rides with them. Most likely regularly.

Anonymous said...

This weekend I noticed that a great many of the Cat C racers at our big cx event had full carbon rigs. Yep, changed a lot in the last couple of years.

Anonymous said...

Can I have a detailed description of Babble's underpants so that I can scrub all of that hipster shit from my mind?

up talk = up chuck said...

I'd watch that show? But there are like, too many questions? It hurt's my brain? Just reading your transcriptions? That's what a rouleur is? That's totally me. Awesome post today Snob? Keep up the good work?

erikbeng said...

Hey, It's Dabe! I remember when he was Gabe or Dave...now he's both! Frankensteined his names together!

McFly said...

Like I said...I like a woman I can control.......

Anonymous said...

I don't care, I'll still split Bjorky hilpster girl in half with an angry blue-veined diamond-cutter.

Anonymous said...

I race bikes because I am too socially awkward and self conscious to ride with the Dead Babies.

For someone with my particular set of neurosis, it is much easier to conform with a mainstream bike scene than to conform to a fringe bike scene.

The Dead Babies do throw fun parties though.

fhfr436 said...

I can't believe you didn't post the OTHER picture of the bike sauna!

Doug said...

I used to be a drug addict but now I have a doctor's prescription. I can't remember if it's cannabis or Oxycontin.

Jimboner said...

Last time B-lez and I were in the bike sauna with D Byrne, he asked me this... "please rouleur my scranus and then insert the club, champion."

mikeweb said...

In other news, those of you who commute between Brooklyn and Manhattan via the Manhattan bridge may be aware of the 2 or 3 gigantic raised steel plates that appeared on Tillary St. near Sands St. recently, as you approach the bridge.

I was aware of them, but not aware enough this morning as I made my way slowly to the right of Tillary behind a large flat bed truck. Yes, the giant plates made a surprise appearance and my front wheel didn't feel like rolling up the 3-4 inch edge of the corner of the rightmost plate and dug in its heels, so to speak. The surprise plate appearance didn't give me time to do a proper hop, actually none whatsoever.

So my front wheel stopped, but my body kept moving and didn't stop until it hit the road about 3 feet in front of my bicycle. Besides some aches and pains, I'm fine though. My bicycle, including my bag lunch and various electronic do-dads that where in my pannier, are also fine.

My coffee machine decided not to work this morning either.

I can't wait for 12-12-12 to be over. And to think that 12 used to be my lucky number.

Rollie Fingers said...

Hi guys, what'd I miss? A squirming, oiled-up slippery great heaving two-backed beast all over the podium! That shit's hot.

Man, all that hilpster stuff, including robbing banks, is only fun when you're wasted. One day your intellect or your liver catches up with you, one or the other.

Still, everybody needs to get some shit out of their system after 20 years steeped in a stew of bullshit. And it's just as bad in the comfy suburbs, maybe worse.

Buffalo Bill said...

Damn, now everyone will know what I mean when I tell them I'm a rouleur. Thanks snob.
Guess I'll have to go back to describing myself honestly: fat and slow.

Anonymous said...

I'm not throwin' the first leg over Big Red till I've had a bowel movement...don't want to be carry'n that shit around, man, slow's ya down.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Snobster for the "We are all Freds" post today.

The sooner we can get everyone to realize this simple fact, the faster we can get to work on fomenting world peace and eliminating global warming.

I love my Lycra costume too!

Cristobol de Santa Cruz said...

The only thing that puts into question the authenticity of Jake is the simple fact that he is not building with lugs and it appears most of his "Frankensteins" are freewheels or coasters. What the fuck is up Jakester?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbabe doesn't worry about funny cyclist tan lines.

babble on said...

Sorry to hear about your commute, Mikeweb. That sounds like no fun at all.

McFly said...

Oxycontin is the ONLY drug I have ever taken back to the dopeman for credit on something else. Mess you up. True Story.

NOSE ITCH

McFly said...

Geez. I feel like I have been under Babble all day. Which explains why my balls look like dried prunes and my member is flaccid.

Anonymous said...

Stupid bike social clubs are much more childish than old skook social clubs like the Elks or the OddFellows, back when adults were adults.

Shit, grow the fuck up, children!

Rich Spoiled Honky-Brat said...

Just checking in.

I am not the man, though I am often mistaken for him on my Vanilla.

West Coast at the bottom of the ocean? Looks like that Tempe condo is beachfront, bitches.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Rolling bike sauna?

Oy vey, you goyim...that's a portable Sukkot booth and the two fine Hasids are waving the luvav and the etrog.

At least try to be a little culturally sensitive and refrain from mocking my religion, eh? Oy gevalt, shmucks.

part-time bike-dork said...

Dear Mr Snob,

Why do you hate TT bikes so much?

crosspalms said...

If there's a woodburning stove in that portable Sukkot, what do you do with the suffering Sukkot ash?

Gunny said...

I wear a lycra go-fast suit under my Dead Baby vest.

Anonymous said...

Dear part-time bike-dork,

If I may be so bold as to answer your question on behalf of Messrs. WCRM/RTM/et.al.

He has probably ridden a TT bike and determined they are:

a) intended to be ridden in Time Trials, the least pleasant form of bicycle cycling.
b) frequently ridden by triathletes, a species of competitor frequently fit but lacking in all bicycle cycle handling skills.
c) the epitome of marketing to Fred-dom in that they are impractical for roughly 130% of all bicycle cycling.
d) a tool of Satan that sucks in every non-positive way possible.
e) fuggly.

Sincerely

cc: WCRM/RTM/et.al.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. The sauna appears to have a giant twat drawn on the back of it.

hey nonny mouse

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Doctor Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist"

Yeah I like the sound of that.

Anonymous said...

biking is biking so why should it be that you and i get along so awfully? help me understand, [bikesnob] what makes a manchild hate another manchild?

Frederick Douche' D.D.S. said...

Hey! What happened to the Larry King tatts that Recumbabe had on her udders? She must of had them removed??? Must have hurt lots!

Anonymous said...

anus

scranus

scrotum


balls

Larry 'Fook'in' King said...

Recumbabe! How could you do this to me? I bought you that condo in P R! The HyANUS mansion! The Lear Jet to Nova Scotia! And now you do this! You have my love tatts removed!!!!

LARRY KING - Laying major pipe for over seventy nine years

Anonymous said...

The freak bike scene is probably the least commodified bike scene around...at the moment

Dooth said...

The Oregonian reports that Harvie Dale Ogelsby lll , aka the Hipster Bandit, recanted his heroin confession. Instead, he robbed banks to pay for his boyfriend's sex-change operation. Ogelsby credits the film DOG DAY AFTERNOON as inspiration.

Anonymous said...



Maybe you should do a little more research on the people you're writing about from the portland bike scene. You only make yourself seem ignorant...and very boring.

Anonymous said...

But I like ignorant and boring!

Anonymous said...

these 'peloton dons' think your cadence is 'wack'. tite TARP music to go with this 'edit'... it might just out ridiculous anything else from today's post

http://www.funeralcycling.com/

Anonymous said...

Ignorance and boredom are why I read this blog. Research my ass! This is all I need to know about these clowns.

Angry and anonymous.

bikesgonewild said...

...ouch, mikeweb...sounds like brooklyn gave you some lip...sorry to hear you bounced but at least you bounced back, ya ???...

...& even a dozen glazed won't take that 'dazed' away...

...props, bud...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:34pm,

So I was wrong about them going to the bathroom before the ride?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

bikesgonewild said...

...well, now...

...what does it say when top step on the podium is hotter than the podium girls ???...

...it sez '...babble is on it !!!...'...

...props, girl...

bikesgonewild said...

...frilly went out on friday to play 'call of booty' & not a word since...

...must be 'mission accomplished'...hopfully shots were fired but no one was hurt...

...she must still be grinning like a cheshire cat...

Huge Heffner said...

I'm field testing a new wonder product. The MegaPro 3D HD penis cam. This will be an instant Premed/Stoner cult classic. Cun't miss.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 3:34 - Let me get this straight: If he does more research, his mind is gonna be blown wide open as he finds out all sorts of amazing facts about "people from the portland bike scene" that contradicts his earlier conclusion that you're all basically just dicking around with trivial shit?

babble on said...

Cheers!

and good point...

OOOOOOOH Frilllllllly??

Come out come out wherever you are!!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

"Hey, it's Dabe!"

That's what I hear when my friends have really stuffy noses.

Invisible Man said...

I saw a guy riding a fully-fledged time trial bike this morning on the Hudson River Greenway while the rest of us lumped ourselves, our panniers and our humbler bikes to work.
I don't laugh at the Freds as much as you do, Snob, but he suddenly made me very, very aware of Fredliness's absurdity.
Invisible.

Angry Panda said...

My only question is why did they make the big twat opaque?
My only second question is why is it not made of bamboo?

J said...

Get your foldie yet Snob?

mikeweb said...

Thanks babble and bgw.

Nothing that a couple of Bourbons couldn't cure.

Tytz n' Azz said...

That's some herd core right there. I mean, I'd move to P'rtland, but I have a good job here in the Midwest (represen'in!) and my shit's all comfortable an' sheeit. So, probs not. Although, ain't no bbq like a Felix bbq, so that makes me wanna move. And buy a bike.

Vegas said...

C'mon, Snob! Anyone who has ever raced knows that EVERYBODY POOPS before a race! Sometimes multiple times! The lines for the Porta-Potties are always longer than the ones at the checkstands at Costco. Whether it's because of nerves, the 4 cups of coffee for breakfast, or to get down to "race weight", EVERYBODY POOPS.

Test Tickle said...

Donut eaters...

EATA DICK

Jed said...

Every race day kit should include a rubber glove. You know...for the pre-race digital cleansing. For the racer with little time to waste. BTW, if there was anything I could ever UNsee, it would be the race day porta potty. By the time the elites go off, it looks like a rabid, feces hurling baboon had been caged in there. Ever get dookie on your bib straps? Be glad. And don't shake my hand.

The King of Park Slope said...

Are you reeling in the years
Are stowing away the time
Are you gathering up the teers
Have you had enough of mine

Do do do doo do do do doo do do doodity doodity doodity doodity

Anonymous said...

Laugh out loud funny today. Feckin brilliant

Anonymous said...

No mention of the 11 and 7 year old in N Portland who used a loaded hangun in attempt to steal a truck?

Jimboner said...

Jed- I was in Namibia in Sept. and saw firsthand some bathrooms at Waterberg Plateau that were destroyed by shit wielding wild baboons. They got nothing on race day porta-potties.

Anonymous said...

Loose [url=http://www.invoiceforyou.com]invocing solution[/url] software, inventory software and billing software to design professional invoices in bat of an eye while tracking your customers.

McFly said...

100th. I want t dedicate this Centurian Victory to Mike web going over the bars virtually unscathed.

McFly said...

Dammit. 101. It's the thought that counts. I THOUGHT I was 100.

Rollie Fingers said...

McFly you're retroactively awarded #100. Previous #100 is disqualified for doping with spambuterol.

McFly said...

I was GIVEN an 89 Nishiki Altron Richard Cunningham Signature TT bike in good condition.

I brought that shit back to life. New everything.

Rode it ONE time.

Put that junk on the Craigslist and made 400 easy ones.

McFly said...

Bitchin Roliie. Wicked bitchin.

Nardwar said...

doot doota loot doo...

Anonymous said...

You dump at the house, then jump in the shower before the race to avoid "dirtybottomitis" which is painful and embarassing. Never ride a bike on a dirty bottom. That's my advice to you today. Thanks Snob, for bringing up this important health issue.

Anonymous said...

Dreck caca poopoo shite drop a deuce lay a loaf take the browns to the super bowl.

Is this really all we have to discuss?

mungibli said...

we are all dorks!

Ashley Roachclip said...

The greenery being exchanged in the bike sauna ...

the weed evil!

McFly said...

Anon 6:21,
Big, big fan of the flushable wipes...HUGE fan. Cannot. Will not. Abide. By a crusty bunghole.

Not on my watch.

(If you get any on your watch you are doing it wrong)

Anonymous said...

There's a reader in Portland who doesn't get it.
Not that I'm surprised.

leroy said...

MikeWeb --

I told my dog that if he and his buiddies were going to bury bones, they shouldn't dig up Tillary Street.

They never listen.

Sorry to hear about going ass over tea kettle. In similar situations, I have replaced the Pee Wee Herman trope "I meant to do that" with "I've got the moves like Jagger -- and we both could use a chiropracter."

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, I saw a 30 something hipster type shopping with a middle aged woman and by the way she was acting I suspected she was his mother. the guy had his hat tilted back on his head and the bill was sticking out to the side. I guess I'm just out of it. Physically grown men, acting prissey, and wearing "little girl pants" is just pathetic.

Anonymous said...

Dudes in the sauna look like they're having a blast...that's all that matters.

Anonymous said...

"The sheriff said the rifle jammed (several times) during the attack, but the shooter managed to get it working again."(Bloomington Il Pantograph)
Yeah.
Just enough time for me to draw my S&W CCW, and stop him. Sorry, wasn't there to stop the gun wielding maniac. Also wasn't there to stop the 9-11 guys. Wonder what would have happened if...?
Switzerland issues assault rifles to all adults that complete mandatory military participation after high school. Don't hear much from them about maniacs. Maybe their afraid they'll shoot back?

Anonymous said...

Partial wipeage results in "campers butt" not to be confused with "itchy buns" which is a reult of sking in blue jeans.

le Correcteur said...

The comments were so funny that I almost ruined my laptop through laughter-projected milk from the cereal I was eating.

The lesson: don't eat cereal while reading BSNYC or the comments.

me said...

Check out the cockpit on Skylar Grey's ride.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhxPBrxxaqc

leroy said...

Dear Anon 8:25 --

Disasters aren't nearly as much fun as you think.

Trust me.

McFly said...

I am World-Class Bullshitter Extrodinaire, esq. III...but I will never understand "hate comments".

If you don't enjoy the blog then go find something else. There is other stuff on the internets. Right?

Porn.

McFly said...

me,
I was both horrified and turned on simultaneously.

Anonymous said...

I knew there was an article about this over on VN. I looked it up...discusses the importance of hygiene on the pro tour. Interestingly Phillippe Gilbert, of all people, claims he always rides on "a dirty bottom."

vantage said...

who reads wired ? do hipsters read wired ? dear lob I hope not.

lots of words in 5 voluminous installments about a fred lern'in ta ride a crabon mountaincycle bicycle at a mountain beik ridin' skool.

http://www.wired.com/playbook/2012/10/wired-dirt-dog-vol-1/2/

somebody spent alota coin on their first ride.

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sad panda said...

http://my.chicagotribune.com/#section/-1/article/p2p-73676578/

Meh

bikesgonewild said...

...is it just me or does the 'hipster bandit' look like he could be recumbababe's brother ???...

...i'd hate to think that was true 'cuz i'm thinkin' i'd do recumbababe but not if i thought he might be lurking in the background...

...now, that's a lotta thoughts n' thinkin' on my part but i'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

@leroy-Mcfly- it's not fun. My comment was an observation, not hate. The observation being, disasters can be avoided, if one has the ability to answer them. To blame the weapon absolves the user. Snob can be wrong, can't he? Anon 8:25.

Anonymous said...

The Snob can be neither right nor wrong. That would imply an effort to be ACCURATE. Snob makes no attempt to be accurate.
Where are you from, Portland?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, no one roasts "Fredliness" like do. I know the wife of a Fred/lone wolf hybrid who would rather be sick or injured than ride with her husband. I suspect the OCD that drives the "Freds" has turned off countless people who would really benefit by riding bicycles.

yankees suck said...

so - did portland hipstery d-bags and their "freak bikes" co-opt SCUL and black label bike club? the former were a bunch of super nerdy MIT computer science nerds who pretended they were on intergalactic nerd missions vaguely reminiscent of a much nerdier version of star trek (hint - they were nerds), and the latter were a bunch of scary bastards until they moved to brooklyn, then they got all soft and shit. it's not tall bike jousting unless you have tridents.

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Flammer said...

Hipsters are inventive? Yes, and hippies smell good and IT folk are socially aware. No, hipsters, like all other tribes, buy stuff that ensures their conformity. They tell their coiffeur to cut to look like so and so with plenty of under cut. Like all other urban tribes, they like to bleat about how much they spend on such services. Their bike mechanics ooze mystical authority. Yep, hipsters are just dumb fucks who just don't know it.

The Czechs have always been a worry. Jammed between Russians and Germans, their mindset was destined to be somewhat original and independent. (Unlike hipsters.) They spawned the Bohemians who really stepped outside their starched and trussed society. Fucked like rodentia.

But the sauna looks a bit Nordick to me. The thrashing with leafy bouquets is not as horrible as Germans' predilection for bondage, but remember, the descendants of the Vikings still fuck animals with the states' blessing. Filthy cunts.

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day (and summer) the dead babies throw the best party known to mankind. It's true.

babble on said...

McFly -exactly. There's no place for hate.

Mr Flammer. Cunts are a good thing- Without them, you wouldn't be here. I love mine, and as the proud owner of one I again ask that you kindly refrain from associating it with all of your least favourite things.

me - that was a fun song. thanks

Flammer said...

So why aren't you proud that your beloved aperture is the epitome of expletives?

Cogitate.

bikesgonewild said...

...if politicians have taught us anything, it's that they who whine the loudest are oft times the guiltiest of whence they whine...

...somewhere there's a headline waiting to be printed...

..."...a semi-known blogger, one mr flammer, was caught in flagrante delicto during a cross-species bestiality sting...it involved a sheep, a monkey & mr flammer himself...

...whilst no charges have yet been filed, both peta & the local chapter of 'the society of british sheep farmers' have made overtures to the constabulary...

...mr flammer's barristers are awaiting word..."
...

...don't try to cover up the facts, flammer...the word is out...

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Flammer said...

A mere few words of observation have lonelier responders projecting their depraved fantasies upon a diffident contributor.

"Oho!" said the pot to the kettle;
"You are dirty and ugly and black!
Sure no one would think you were metal,
Except when you're given a crack."

"Not so! not so!" kettle said to the pot;
"'Tis your own dirty image you see;
For I am so clean – without blemish or blot –
That your blackness is mirrored in me."

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bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of projecting...wow...

..."...lonelier responders...depraved fantasies..." ???...

...i must needs fall back on the wisdom of my favorite cycling thespian, one pee wee herman who succinctly observed "...i know you are but what am i ???..."....

...now that...is just sayin'...

Flammer said...

Unbecoming.

Nick Figearo said...

What a bunch of whiny fucktards. I've been involved with cycling my entire life and have been a proud Dead Baby for over 10 years. If you don't understand it then you really have no place to judge it. Or, if you want to judge it, then come on a ride sometime. Seattle is where we started so why don't you make a little road trip and figure it out.

McFly said...

I am not sure Conneticut to Seattle via Omaha constitutes a "little road trip".

SENS TIVE
DEAD BABY

McFly said...

Babble I think you may have taken Mr Flammer's words out of consext.

He is merely stating that the cunts "of" the farm animals are filthy. From all the sex. With the Vikings.

I mean, I seriously doubt they are "pulling out". When you are behind a goat all sexual courtesy/responsibilty goes the way of so many veloci-raptors. Out the window.

You, A Fast Machine that Keeps Her Motor Clean, of all people should know this.

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Anonymous said...

Uncouth.

Anonymous said...

Bring me your rouleuses, and I'll handle the mountin' stage.

Buffalo Bill said...

Dead babies == cry babies?
Looks like this one touched a nerve.

David said...

From Seattle? God how I hate my own city right now...

babble on said...

+1 BGW - Pee Wee had it right all along. Naming people only identifies the person calling names as a name caller, it doesn't define the person being labelled.

I'd be very careful calling people fucktards, Mr Nick. Doesn't look good on you.

Anonymous said...

i like making bikes out of garbage. drinking with friends is immature? guess i better get married and have kids so people will stop telling me to grow up.

Anonymous said...

Didn't Martin Amis write a book called Dead Babies? Is it any good?

Anonymous said...

Hipsters are bikes.
Hipsters are dangerous.

Therefore bikes are dangerous???

B.K. said...

Watch the movie. "The Thirteenth Floor"
Read about DMT

And tell me where the coolest bike shop in NYC is to ck out as my wife brought me here for the weekend to do carnage at Peter Lugers

B.K. said...

Watch the movie. "The Thirteenth Floor"
Read about DMT

And tell me where the coolest bike shop in NYC is to ck out as my wife brought me here for the weekend to do carnage at Peter Lugers

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