Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Safety Last: Honk If You're Pantsless!

On the yesterday I mentioned a cyclist who claims he was hit by an FBI agent.  Well, since then, another FBI agent up in Buffalo has been charged with driving pantless:



(DWOP: Driving Without Pants)

Here's what happened:

Troopers said they received the report at about 9 p.m. Friday from the truck driver, who was headed east on the Thruway in Eden. He said the driver of a passenger vehicle “pulled up next to his truck, turned on the dome light and displayed that he was not wearing pants, while making lewd gestures,” according to state police.

It should be a cinch for the agent's lawyer to defend this one.  All he has to do is explain that his client was eating a meatball hero from Sbarro at a Thruway rest stop when he got red sauce all over his pants, which he figured he'd soak in seltzer water in the back seat when he got back in the car.  Then, as he enjoyed a post-hero cigar (every American's right, as long as the cigar is not Cuban), he accidentally dropped it in his lap, and the druck driver just happened to drive by as he was fanning his crotch.

Expect singed pubic hair to be entered into evidence, so caveat juror.

By the way, this is probably the exact same defense the agent who hit the cyclist will use, assuming she's ever caught, which she won't be, and also assuming she's ever charged, which is laughable, and assuming she wasn't wearing pants, which is likely.

Speaking of pants, do you wet yours out of fear when you ride in your city?  If so, you'll want to invest in this bicycle horn, which I mentioned briefly last Friday:



Loud Bicycle is the long-awaited answer to the burning question:

Horns?  You mean...like THE JEWS?!?


(Yes, Jews do have horns, but not the way you think.)

Actually, Craig Calfee answered that question years ago:


Nevertheless, as the inventor says, "Cycling on roads can be frightening:"


Though not as frightening as cycling on high wires or lava flows, or high wires suspended above lava flows.  Now that's scary.

Another problem is that "Drivers often feel like bikes come flying out of nowhere:"


Dude, I can so relate.  This one time I was driving my Scion to buy a new flat brim cap when I got hit by a guy on a bike who was talking to a camera and ran a stop sign.  He totally ruined my fake stick-on air vent.

Then the inventor goes on to tell the story of his friend who got hit by a car, which he illustrates with an image of a white bike, at which point I started feeling really guilty for laughing at his video.  You know, 'cause his friend is dead and all:


Except it turns out that his friend was pretty much fine, at which point I went from feeling guilty to feeling incredibly angry at him.

Then he goes and claims that "Drivers react really well to car horns:"


No, they don't, because here's how people use their car horns:

--To honk at drivers who actually wait for pedestrians in the crosswalk (I have often been honked at while driving for not running over a baby);
--To honk incessantly and uselessly when a street is blocked by a garbage truck, school bus, or fatal "accident;"
--In the case of car service drivers, to let that 5:00am pickup know they've arrived, and to wake up the whole building in the process (which is fucking ridiculous since everybody in the entire world has a cellphone now, unless you're Amish, in which case you don't travel by car service anyway).

Though I admit that people do react really well to all this honking, if by that you mean they shout stuff like "Shut the fuck up, you cocksucker!"  (That's what I do with the car service drivers, since the whole building's already up anyway.)

Still, for some reason he's determined to add bikes to the cacophony, and in the process makes an even more ridiculous claim:

"Why can't I just get a car horn for my bike?  Well I searched everywhere to buy one, but a car horn fit for bicycles simply didn't exist as a product."

Yes, horns for bicycles simply don't exist.  Except for this:


And this:


And my personal favorite, this:

   

Fine.  I realize he specifically means there are no horns that sound just like car horns on the market, which may or may not be true (I'm too poorly paid to check, and even if I was highly paid to check I'd only pretend to check and lie) but I refuse to give him that thanks to his little stunt with the white bike.

Oh, the Loud Bicycle also looks great when you photoshop it onto your Firefly super-hybrid Cat 6 dreamcycle:


(Male Fireflies have downtube testicles.)

But not so great in real life:


(This bike has a downtube goiter.)

Anyway, throw $43,000 his way and you too can enjoy being called a cocksucker thanks to your incessant honking:



Then again, the Loud Bicycle is about a million times more practical than this:



What drinker's insatiable thirst for spirits could possibly be slaked by 5ml of liquor?  (Or 10ml if you buy two, in which case you'll be fully one-fifth of the way to airplane size.)  The only way to make this viable is to adapt it as a dropper, fill it with saline solution, and market it to people who wear contact lenses.  Either that, or I suppose you could use it for your diabolical plot to release anthrax spores in your local food co-op because they're selling Israeli cous-cous.

Still, I can't decide if it's better or worse than a guy who wants money so he can ride around and eat shit:



Either way, anytime you encounter a visitor to your town filming himself making a big fucking deal about everything, you can be sure he came there from Brooklyn:


Anyway, it looks like the eating guy has actually met his funding goal, and I hope he spends at least some of that money on this in case he gets into trouble:



This way he'll be able to use his iPhone to snug up that motel outlet plate:


(What could possibly go wrong?)

Adjust that headset:


(You're supposed to loosen the steer tube bolts first.)

Or cut that tender, juicy steak:


(What could possibly go wrong?)

The only thing missing is a tiny vial, but maybe he can team up with the Handlebar Minibar bike for the 2.0 release.

Lastly, on Urban Velo I saw this heartwarming holiday message from someone who couldn't possibly have a job:



Of course, I don't have a job either, so I figured I'd get on my bike, head downtown (or uptown, or crosstown, or overseas, depending on where I actually live now), and send out a holiday message of my own:


Let's not lose sight of what this time of year is really about.

91 comments:

tridorkable said...

PODIUM! Now I need to go back and read it.

Jimboner said...

dope!

OBA said...

HONK!

Blog Drafter said...

Just missed!

Anonymous said...

Come squeeze out the fun at the International Accordion Festival.

http://www.accordioncelebration.org/

Bring your mountain bike, Leavenworth is SRSLY gnarly.

Rollie Fingers said...

HONK HONK

Anonymous said...

Toptendidntread

HiDrag said...

Woot

streepo said...

I'm so horny the crack of dawn better watch out.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dang.. so queek.

ken e. said...

lederhosen!

Buffalo Bill said...

Cock.Suckers.
With.Horns.

Anonymous said...

easy top 20, although baked...
i´m good.

Anonymous said...

That vial's for joints, not booze. Just like all those glass pipes in Greenwich Village aren't for tobacco.

Anonymous said...

I'm too poor to afford and iphone, and I bet that the sellers of this "yout iphone" would gladly lop off my goiters instead of receiving paper monies. sick fucks.

sherpa said...

Man...faking a ghost bike is bullshit.

We just got a new one in Albany.
http://www.timesunion.com/default/article/Bicyclist-killed-in-truck-chase-identified-4063474.php

Drunk, running from the police at over 100mph with a dead cyclist stuck to his roof.

I'm sure they'll just slap his wrist and let him go.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

PANT LESS
COUS COUS
POST HERO

le Correcteur said...

top twenty unread; but I have the sense you're verging on general social commentary?

theEel said...

weed.

Rollie Fingers said...

Yeah but isn't the car horn actually the ultimate symbol of impotence? "Here I am all cozy in my box, and boy I reeeally have something to say to you but jeepers then I'd have to actually get out of the car so never mind." It reduces all messages to BAAAAAAAA and reminds everyone you're the bitch of the oil company.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post Snobbie! Thanks for all the laughs.

leroy said...

I tried to set a record for how slowly one could commute from Brooklyn to mid-town this morning.

Got passed by a jogger on the West Side Highway.

But I think I can do better.

It's good to have goals.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Pantsless!

leroy said...

My dog asked if it's possible to drive pantsless on the Belt Parkway.

Note to self: don't let him borrow the car again.

crosspalms said...

Caveat juror. Snort.

Maybe car horn guy should watch one of those locomotive horn videos if he wants to be really loud.

ken e. said...

"what could possibly go wrong?" is my new mantra.

crosspalms said...

My Kickstarter project will be for a bumper sticker: "Honk if you love epithets."

Comment deleted said...

Thank you, Snob, for bringing the Happy Wanderers to our screens. It wouldn't be a proper Leutonian Christmas without Yosh Schmenge and Stan Schmenge (and guest horny soloist).

And thank you, as always, for the cabbage rolls and coffee provided by Mrs. Vilve Yachke.

mikeweb said...

Well, the car horn for your bike weighs in at a pound and a half, so if honking it doesn't work, you could always throw it through the offending driver's windshield.

Martian Anus said...

I spondeemeterd today's blog post. Have you ever considered hiring a 'ghost spondeemeterator? I'm available.

JB said...

Using a knife blade as a hex wrench or screwdriver. I'm sure it won't break.

The King of Park Slope said...

French toast?

Anonymous said...

hello all

There is a hockey puck app for iPhones now, free download

Anonymous said...

Anybody want to join me in a webinar entitled: "Erection Engineering: The Science Behind the Art"???

It should be fun, recumbabe might be there.



balls™

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, really... all this hate for bike horns, when cyclists have been unable to respond to the "Honk If You're Horny" bumper stickers for over 40 years now...

We're here, we're horny, get used to it.

Anonymous said...

Lederhosen make me horny too.

Cipo said...

I tried to ride a bicycle while not wearing pants but me pene-cazzo kept slapping me in the face on downhills.

DerZoots said...

Hey Mr. Snob!

If one pays close attention you can see that the Air Zounds packaging demonstrates the product on a Merlin no less with a Mavic headset. Delta who produces the Air Zounds is based in MA so that makes perfect sense.

Funny that the guy on the Masi is in Boston(which means he lives in Somerville or JP and works in Boston) has his product positioned on a Merlin descendent via Firefly.

Ah, yes. Small pond.

I too was angered by the Ghost Bike (RIP) bait and switch.

Chump ass sucker move.

Car horns for bikes WTF. This jerk has it backwards on so many levels.


Anonymous said...

Americans driving pantsless, I'll take a rise in sea level for that any day.

Jed said...

That was fuckin' funny.

babble on said...

Sigh... I have a looooooong way to go before you guys actually figure it out.

Cocksucker=good

I don't mind being called a cocksucker, just so long as they say it with gratitude in their hearts...

Anonymous said...

How come the eating guy has a cute girlfriend?

leroy said...

My dog wishes to point out that the bass player in the Konis Hupen music video forgot to plug his electric bass into an amp.

As for me, all I can say is "Be afraid, Justin Bieber, be very, very afraid." Them Konis Hupen boys be the real deal. All they need is an umlaut over the "n" in Konis.

ge said...

Duders, check out my new Kickstarter campaign - helment stickers that say "HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY", and then a link to Craigslist Missed Connections.

wishiwasmerckx said...

In other news, there will be no 2013 World Tour license for Katusha, meaning that we will probably not be seeing much of the likes of Oscar Freire or Denis Menchov in the grand tours next year, not to mention the great Latvian sensation Gatis Smukulis.

This was also considered bad news for other missle-related teams with continental aspirations. The US-based Maverick/ Sidewinder team is reported to be bitterly disappointed at the news.

Comment deleted said...

WIWM, this is a big blow to the Leutonian team as well.

Cipo said...

Syphilis is not a virus. It's a badge of honor.

Anonymous said...

i wish they would invent a horn that said things like "wake up asshole!" "get your head out of your ass!" "Fucker!" "idiot!" and "nice tits!" so i didn't have to.

Anonymous said...

49th place and second person to say 'lederhosen give me the horn'. Poor performance

Luckier Than I Thought said...

NHTSA: deaths of bicyclists rose 8.7 percent last year, even as total traffic fatalities dropped to their lowest level since 1949.

(At least we're not in Vancouver, eh?)

Rollie Fingers said...

Oh Babs, you lovely cocksucker you!

Here's the thing, as previously alluded by Mr. Anonymous at 2:25 pm: a device that sounds exactly the same for "YAAAAY WE'RE MARRIED!!!" and "OH SHIT, LOOK OUT, YOU ARE IN GRAVE DANGER!!!" and "FUCK YOUUUU!!!" is kind of problematic, yes?

On the other hand I don't doubt people "respond" to it. But why stop there? How about one that sounds like a truck? OR A TRAIN.

PatrickBateman said...

a Scion Snobukkah? interesting choice. and its a toyota cousin so guess i was right.

anyone else want to go in on a kickstarter campaign? whats the dumbest f'ing thing we could think of?

maybe a bicycle/human powered windmill farm to generate electricity for our clothing brand that only makes 18th century tweed garment? it will be based outside portland and will donate 40% of revenue to research on how windmills contribute to higher levels of interconnectedness and understanding of the human experience.

babble on said...

Master Bateman? Snobukkah? Are you the alter ego of P Bateman of the clock-enabled vagina?

Anonymous said...

Babbles, you are so right. It's a very good thing! To quote Oliver Twist "More Please"

p.s. We need to start a Babs-Boots-a-dex comparing the height of her boots versus the economy. Will she reach thigh high before we jump off the fiscal cliff?

McFly said...

Heyheyheyhey wait just a minute.

I am confused.

That guy was Jewish AND he was good-looking.

Rollie Fingers said...

Therrrre we go:
http://youtu.be/XTQSWtK65PE

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I am not funding your "Eatcation" you Cock....er....uh....ASSHOLE!

babble on said...

Um, Snobbers? Why the tease? Recumbabe has a lovely face 'n' all, but...

more naked

please.

Dooth said...

I'm blown away by today's truly horny post. Now, I'm not one to blow my own horn; I'm just not that flexible...anymore.

babble on said...

Thank you, Rollie.

Luckier - why are you lucky not to be here? Have you seen the weather forecast for today? Don'tcha like swimming your commute?

And I'm sorry, but what is up with those damned lederhosen? They're wearing them like leg warmers...
That's probably why they make some people horny...

angry kitty said...

Yelling out the window at 5 am can be fun, but I prefer to drop ice cubes on honking cars. Either they leave or get out and call me "faggot."

Rollie Fingers said...

angry kitty: You win either way!

Anonymous said...

Maybe the Prez should use that kickstarter thing to pay off the national debt.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, for 10 dollars you can get one of those little horns with the rubber bulb on the end. Cars used to use horns like that about 100 years ago. Very retro.

Anonymous said...

+1 Anon 2:09. Much less he made her "be" in the video.

ge said...

Oh sure, now I read cc's comment. Slow on the draw.

MCA said...

I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but I'm intercontinental when I eat french toast.

I'll take that ghost bike if no one's claiming it.

J said...

Forget all these diversionary products Snob; the real issue is whether you got your folder yet?!

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm working on a new kickstarter plan...

...it's a switchblade i-phone case - as well as a switchblade app so you can not only threaten people live 'in the hood' but you can be menacing on-line as well...

...you better give me a lotta your money...or i'll cut 'cha...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

I was thinking a gram of ecstasy in a five hour energy bottle....mmmmm rollllin'!
Konis Hupen for President!

Anonymous said...

Good lob on high....how I wish the video guy with the booze could get all drunk raged and beat the shit out of video eating guy while video tool guy chopped off video eating guys ironic hair....all this while video horn band shared video eating guys girlfriend... now THAT would be a video worth watching.

Anonymous said...

Boston drivers are that bad. Not that I would need a horn. I've got a horn on a 60,000 gvw truck and no one cares.

no one said...

don't care

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

I cannot believe how much faster I am after shaving my balls/scranus.

McFly said...

I came in like 2 minutes and 18 seconds.

Those are high school numbers.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...McFly said...
...This comment has been removed by the author..."
...

...like your pants ???...

...is that a horn, sport or are you just glad to see me ???...

Telegram Sam said...

This morning a cabbie in midtown honked at me four times for no reason (I was going traffic speed). So I let him pass me, then rode up to him at the next light, gently tapped his window and informed him horns are only to be used in the case of imminent danger. He apologized, told me he'd had a long night, and assured me he'd be more considerate in the future. Just kidding - I rolled up to him, punched his window, then told him to go back to Fuckistan and shove his cock in his mother's ass with my compliments.

Vegas said...

Bell & wave for pedestrians, dogs, and other cyclists. Yell & middle finger for motor vehicles.

McFly said...

I am glad to see Hungry Pedaler's hot girlfriend.

She has the reddest damn lipstick. It contrasts nicely with her black hair. I like Black hair.

I would like to use my new junk sans pubes to remove that lipstick.

Anonymous said...

Ahaa, its pleasant dialogue concerning this post here at
this webpage, I have read all that, so at this time me also commenting here.
Also visit my web page - real work from home

Grump said...

Dammit, I wish that I had saved those horns from that old 71 LTD wagon. Those suckers were loud.
.

Anonymous said...

More Hochtirol or Immafuckinkillyah!

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 8:38 --

Please tell me more about real work from home. My dog says he won't take any job that requires pants. Is that a problem?

He says you're probably setting up meth labs. I'm not sure what that is, but it's probably not for him.

He set up a chocolate lab once, but that just involved a whoopie cushion under one of his riding buddies.

Anonymous said...

No, never confined to a mental hospital, that was someone else.

bikesgonewild said...

...so...the last thing we heard from frilly, she was gonna go out & shake her booty...

...not a word blogulated since......

...anybody seen a cyclechick pedaling around st louis with a shit-eating grin on her face ???...

Flying Circus ep 12 said...

I'm so pleased that anon 8:38, aka Mr. Bimmler, has found real work from home after things didn't work out at the North Minehead by-election.

Flammer said...

The horn master! Soft, white, bald and made of marshmallow. Give him a poke and and the little dimple lasts for minutes. I think he might be a member of a rare species. Fucking beautiful invention though. Not as though some pilfering passing beanie wearer won't whip out his phone tool and bag the blarer.

Germans! Hey, who doesn't love Germans? And Germans with lederhosen, accordion and bulb horns. Love their sense of humour, boiled meat dishes and egalitarian sensibility.

Fat and curly; what would those teeth have cost? Shucking lobsters? Stupid cunt. Bet he squeals when he sees spiders. Probably end up as a motivational speaker (they're all cunts) giving the eager audience a high that lasts as long as one from a Texta sniff.

I like the concealed phone weapon. I don't like his teeth or the flimsy tools that fall out of the case. I watched it muted and he seems to barely conceal a percolating hatred of humanity that end with a failed revenge scheme, leaving him limping into ICU having lost a nut whilst practicing maneuvers.

Anonymous said...

Good one, thee Flammer.

Mutilated Penis Guy said...

Shofar, Sho-good.

Anonymous said...

HD kaliteli porno izle ve boşal.
Bayan porno izleme sitesi.
Bedava ve ücretsiz porno izle size gelsin.
Liseli kızların Bedava Porno ve Türbanlı ateşli hatunların sikiş filmlerini izle.
Siyah karanlık odada porno yapan evli çift.
harika Duvar Kağıtları bunlar
tamamen ithal duvar kağıdı olanlar var
2013 Beyaz Eşya modeller
Sizlere Güvenlik Sistemleri ayarliyoruz
Arayin Hırdavat bulun
Samsung Nokia İphone Cep telefonu alin.
Super Led Tv keyfi

Amatör Porno - Amcık Porno - Anal Porno - Asyalı Porno - Bakire Porno - Erotik Porno - Esmer Porno - Fantazi Porno - Gay Porno - Götten Porno - Grup Porno - Hard Porno - HD Porno - Hemşire Porno - Latin Porno - Lezbiyen Porno - Liseli Porno - Olgun Porno - Oral Porno - Rokettube - Sarışın Porno - Sert Porno - Tecavüz Porno - Travesti Porno - Türbanlı Porno - Türk Porno - Ünlü Porno - Yaşlı Porno - Zenci Porno - Karı Koca Porno - Hayvanlı Porno