(Good deal on some crabon, via a reader.)
If you need me at any point today, you'll be able to find me on the sofa watching this recently-Tweeted-at-me video, over and over and over again:
Is there a more satisfying sight than wave after wave of triathletes falling down like an invading army trying unsuccessfully to storm the walls of Castle Fredliness? I would argue that there is not. I'll also acknowledge that I probably couldn't make it up the hill either, but that's why I'm sitting here laughing at them instead of wearing armwarmers with a sleeveless vest and trying to ascend a 31% grade on a bike with aerobars.
Yes, life is good here on the sofa. Shuck it all, life is good in general, I'm not going to lie. Every morning I take a stroll down to the seaside where I greet the local fishmongers and the merchants returning from the East with exotic trinkets and fragrances. Then I walk back home through the winding cobblestoned streets, put on my trinkets and douse myself in myrrh, and eat thirty-seven oysters for breakfast. After that I plant myself on the couch and watch videos of triathletes falling down, until those bivalves start working their aperient magic and I adjourn to the restroom where I read and reread copies of my own books until I am voided. (My books make a great holiday gift, by the way, though not the copies I keep in the restroom.)
Speaking of exotic trinkets from the East, it's hard to imagine I'll ever get tired of the falling-down triathletes, but if the unthinkable happens and I actually do I'll then turn to this equally beguiling promotional video for Tiso electronic shifting that was forwarded to me by Klaus of Cycling Inquisition:
I was sold on this stuff as soon as I heard that first smokin' guitar lick, but if that's not enough for you consider it has twelve speeds:
Those tridorks totally would have scaled that hill with an extra cog.
Not only that, but you can also shift remotely:
It's not hard to imagine the many uses for such a feature. For example, most aspiring Freds hire coaches now because they can't figure out how to ride their bicycles on their own, so for an extra fee they can pay their coaches to select their gears for them too. Also, when you're riding the home trainer you can have your butler or manservant shift for you while you read the Wall Street Journal.
Most impressive of all though is that the Tiso wireless shifting system has been battle-tested by this guy:
If it's so cold he needs a balaclava then I'm not sure why he isn't wearing gloves, but maybe it's to showcase the heated brake levers.
In any case, while Tiso may not have invented electronic shifting then they've certainly perfected it. As for the bicycle itself, it's difficult to verify who first came up with the concept, but according to one man with a great deal of Italian pride and a YouTube account it certainly wasn't those sneaky Koreans:
This guy's not letting those Koreans get away with anything. By the way, here's the article he's talking about, which appears to be a primitive attempt at humor:
Sure, it's a little dry now, but I can assure you that shit was fucking hilarious in 1904.
By the way, while wading through the New York Times archives I also discovered that the first-ever New York City bicycle crackdown took place in 1893:
Only then the excuses were a lot more creative:
Miss Douar is the first woman arrested under the ordinance governing bicycle riding in the streets, recently passed by the Board of Aldermen. When arrested she claimed that her lamp was burning when she left home, and that it must have been extinguished by a gust of wind. She was taken to the Thirtieth Street Station and given in charge of the matron.
I too blame the mighty god Zephyrus when I get pulled over for riding without a lantern on my steampunk recumbent:
By the way, when you're riding a steampunk recumbent you should always wear a pith helment:
And obviously an astonishing steampunk monocle:
But while recumbents may be timelessly dorky, if you had asked me whether cyclocross was still the bikey sport all the cool people were doing, I'd have said yes--until this morning, which is when I saw this cringeworthy display which I'd strongly suggest you don't watch:
This should cause all those new cyclocross converts to defect in droves--and when I say "defect" I mean they're going to stop saying the're totally going to do a 'cross race one day once their custom bikes are finished.
SRAM really could learn a thing or two from the marketing department over at Tiso.
144 comments:
Cool Yule, y'all!
doped
Podium1
top five?
Top 10???
Top teen.
scranuspodium
1st clean rider.
BUM TAN
yeah
cycle
Wait, that makes it sound like I'm a teen. nevermind.
NICE CRBN
top 10
Top 20 balls on your nose!
Douche-plosion!!!!!
raging oyster erection. aww yeah. sure as hell ain't feces coming out as snob reads his own books.
KNEEL, YOU LOWLY DOGS. (ZOD)
Do the aero helmets ever perforate their ball sacks?
20! Gangnam style.
That Korean bicycle cycling joke was probably even more fucking hilarious in Korean!!
Doot doota doot doot...
That first bike -- "Never ridden" -- Was the crabon scrapped the moment the new owner pulled into the garage with the bike on the roof?
Tri-Dorks, SteamPunk, Old Timey Stuff...which is basically Hipster SteamPunk. This Posting has it all
Confusciuos say Never Scratch Itcy Butthole with Spring-Loaded 4 Pronged Stapler Remover.
Creamspunk Thursday is dah bermb.
I watched that triathlete video and laughed until I came.
They have never learned to zig-zag across a too-steep pitch? They never learned to turn the bike sideways across the hill to keep from falling over if they lose their forward momentum? Those guys are HOPELESS.
Why even devote that kind of time and effort if you never even master the most basic fundamentals?
P.S. - "aperient" I learned a new word today!
its funny. i wonder how many of those riders had the right gearing for that hill. its silly, but most people would rather fall off their bikes than ride a triple crank.
While I detest the constant group-obsoleting Shimano and the others foster, I am attracted (in theory at least) to electronic shifting. No cables! No frickin' "brifters"!
When it gets below $500 for a group, maybe I'll think about it.
Hey ZOD how were things on Krypton?
Plus, it'll need to have a fail-safe that will allow me to limp home in an intermediate gear when it (inevitably) fails.
You're right, titties ARE the pie plate of cliterature.
I would so totally rock that electronic shifting, if I knew my dog wouldn't bury the remote in the sofa cushions
Greatest. Video. Ever.
The guy with the Double Butt Cannon at 1:09 was crushing it. Beast Mode(tm).
What is this steampunk crap? Were there not already enough ways in this world to show your stupidity? And for a group of people who allegedly harken back to simpler times, they do sure seems to fancy unnecessarily complicated gimcracks (that's an arcane term for "bling" in case you didn't know).
On the electronic gears, how can you be sure the next Fred's mechanism doesn't use the same wavelength? Plenty of scope for hilarious misunderstandings.
I don't think steampunk is about "simpler", Perry.
No laughs for us poor Germans today because GEMA won't let us watch the videos ....
Aperient.
Dr. Livingstone Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist, I presume?"
That tri-dork hill climb video was the bomb. Thanks for that. Right on RB1 -If I was racing in that event I would have calmly and smoothly downshifted to the granny gear of the triple crank on my roadbiking cycle and simply pedalled up the hill. It's not hard.
"If it's so cold he needs a balaclava then I'm not sure why he isn't wearing gloves."
WCRM,it's called embarrassment.
Leroy,
Or your dog might bring the remote along and shift your gears for you -- partway up a hill, perhaps.
Gad damn it! I'm getting rid of my bikes (just the ones running SRAM).
They spelled Clitholde Douar wrong. It's ticky-tack on my part but needs to be corrected for historical posterity.
I saw a bumper sticker a while back that said, "Steampunk is what happens when Goths discover beige."
Tri-Dork disaster video: awesome.
SRAM Gangnam Style video: still cringing and trying not to vomit breakfast on the computer...
Did I dream this knuc-tat up?
KNLB 4ZOD
Don't know where that came from.
man, those duders and duddettes certainly lived up to the SAVAGE part of the SAVAGEMAN part of the name of their little event. man that was savage.
funny that the cartoon SAVAGEMAN guy/character looks like a roided up Fred. Great imagery to aspire to in your own lame mind.
Gonna get all roided and JACKED up to win this race and then go home and beat the living SHIT out of my wife if i should lose.
I just imagine that is the internal dialogue one has before a SAVAGEMAN "race".
You know what else is SAVAGE? this mean, wife beatin' ass veggie soup i made. damn its good. my taste buds are being SAVAGED by it.
SAVAGE post today Snobukkah. YOU SHREDDED IT.
Clothilde...proto-beautiful Godzilla.
I'm holding out for electronic, wireless, remote-controlled Trotify.
Duders!
Bluetooth shifting! I don't think it gets any better than that.
That's some awesome tech right there. Assuming it works, they just beat Shizmano to market a couple of different ways. WIPO takedown in 5,4,3,2,1.
Can someone explain the urgent need for 12 cogs in the back? I know it's 12 one better than 11, 3 (log) better than 9. Can people do special things with more than 9?
by the way, electronic shifting is actually pretty keen. test rode a trek maboner 6.9 or something that had the Di2 and was actually pretty darn impressed.
and this coming from someone who really likes my old raleigh with its very quiet and smooth downtube shifting.
I'm not interested in Astonishing Steampunk Monocles unless they possess X-ray vision capability. I desire to see through walls and stuff.
Actually, now that I think about it, I want an entirely steam-driven group.
I don't get it...is that hill slippery? Why do they all keep falling over? Why don't they just put their foot down...they do run part of this event, right?
They're tri-dorks...they don't know how to put their foot down.
'Full TSA cavity search with complimentary nut sack jiggle' me Elmo
$499.99
recommended ages 1 to 97
I don't think a gust of wind blew out Clothilde's lantern. I think the fuel ran out because she was huffing the kerosene too much.
TRYathletes
plastik shoes no rubber no walk possibre
aero bars uphillen dbl cranx
savageman/woman is on my calindar now
Snob. Your blog posts are becoming to 'REAL' ...
You may be in the midst of a THC overdose.
The best thing to do in my opinion is to double up on your smokkee intake for the next three years and see how that goes. Have you considered a carbon neutral vaporizer? I've got one that looks like a real Glock 9mm. Shoots the vap right up the old naso. DUDE!
That'll be $499.99 ca$h. Due to the holiday season I'm not accepting discount coupons at this time.
Those SRAM motherfuckers can't even dance right. If you're gonna jump on a trend like a month late, y'all BEST be NAILIN that shit.
Don't you mean "When you're riding your steampunk recumbent, you should be wearing ONLY a pith helmet?"
Anything over 20 percent or so I just get off and walk...I get to the top faster that way and the extra blood circulation while walking uphill does wonders for my SCRANUS.
As a purist I prefer KNLB FRZD, Yarpo, but I will admit I find the "4ZOD" config not without charms.
Thanks for asking, McFly, poxy freezing as per usual, and everything still shuts early, so glad I don't live there anymore. I'd have cut the trip short only for family commitments.
When I stepped into the first plate glass flying contraption flat cubey thing that was heading earthwards this morning, my mood improved greatly
Bartender! (ZOD).
Such a relentlessly taxing day today, not even the Snob can cheer me.
plumbing.
The Tri Dorks were probably trying to climb in something like 39x21 because their egos, lack of biking experience, and endless time on the trainer gives them no insight into real biking conditions.
Just wait until they try to muscle up a difficult climb undergeared with a 12 speed chain
Those tri-dorks is funny!
12 speeds is stupid
SRAM has lost all of my little respect I had for them.
Maybe he's wearing a balaclava but not gloves cause he can't shift in gloves. Those shift buttons are pretty small...
That sram video makes me sad. I am know officially ashamed to say I race cross. Well at least I'm not a tri-dork trying to climb on a tt bike
Sorry to hear it, Jimboner. You know it's bad when the Snob doesn't bring a smile to your face.
Hope yer day gets better.
My brother in law would totally fit in that video. He has one bike - a time trial rig with a 54-39 crank on it. The big ring should pretty much last forever.
SRAM totally copied my podium victory dance!!!
You know what's next don't you? Fully automatic transmission. Hook up a whatsit that tracks your cadence (crank revolution rate). Punch some buttons on a bar-mounted gewgaw to set the upper & lower limits of your acceptable range of pedaling cadences. When you exceed the upper limit, the thingamajig upshifts, and when you drop below the lower limit, it downshifts. Totally idiot-proof. Now you can ride a grown-up bike and you don't even need to know what the fuck you're doing. Freds will shit themselves over it. And Tridorx will finally make it up the hill. Has this been invented yet?
Tridorks are dry, tough, stringy and taste like epo.
Better in a crock pot on low than on the barbie.
DONE!
http://www.jensonusa.com/!YIeQiW0uHv-9coKkSU3FUA!/Sram-Automatic-2-SPEED-Freewheel-Hub?utm_source=FRGL&utm_medium=organic&gclid=CL3j9ICXmLQCFQtxQgodHF0AlQ
I prefer mine with fava beans.
*protracted slurping sound*
Mr. Bike Snob, at least some of the tri-dorks had the sense to fall down in the grass. And at least the Cyclo-dork video had a catchy little tune. Just trying to look on the bright side when there doesn't appear to be any.
I'm totally gonna rent some time in the wind tunnel and perfect my form. If I'm aero enough, I just know I'll scoot up that hill like nobody's business. It's all about being aero. I wasn't quite aero enough for that hill this time, but you just wait. Did I mention aerodynamics is the key? Aero.
vantage - Nice, but them shits ain't EEE-lectronic, and everybody knows anything EEE-lectronic is automatically better! And it only has 2 speeds, whereas we simply, absolutely, MUST HAVE TWELVE. Fuck, I remember when 12 speeds TOTAL (2 chainrings times 6 cogs) was like this fancy-schmancy upgrade from 10.
I'm pretty sure I saw something about automatic transmission at the gran fondo this year...
It's in the Savage River National Forest; that is the origin of the name.
You can't simply pedal up that hill, even with a triple. Whatever gearing you have, it is still necessary to stand and grind.
It is difficult to zig-zag as the road is very cobbled and broken.
There is a youtube video of Dave Scott falling over there.
Being able to remote shift other riders bikes into different gears would sure make the TDF more interesting - just saying
Tri-dorks have enuf truble wid riding on two wheels. Give them 12 cogs in the back AND EEE-lectronic shifting and then what have you got ?
Idiots with too much money for their own good spending it on something they have no bidness being on in the first place.
Hell, the sleeveless vest and armwarmer attire alone deserves a swift kick to the fupa!
Cipo always says "Finish with a Kiss", almost the same thing, but not in the same place.
Electricity and water don't mix, I wonder how the electric shifting does in the rain.
@ Anon 3:20:If that's indeed the case any sensible cyclist would dismount and portage the bike up the hill(even if walking in the grass is required). If the hill is so difficult that a world class biker can't do it then it is stooopid hard. Some of the hilly challenge rides around my area include a hill or two with 20+% grades and big riders snap their 11 speed chains (true story).
@anon 3:51
Yes, it is a silly contrived hill. There is an option to bike around and avoid it, but many like to give it a try anyway.
...this comment has been removed by the '...author...'...
...just sayin'...
I want a biofeedback-controlled electronic shi(f)ting system. That way, all I have to is think about changing gears, and voila.
I learned about automatic transmission in sex education class, and how to avoid it.
Bret,
I think you just need a little more down-camber in your geometry. You're almost there.
@Thomas Edison,
That's a big drawback to steam-powered groups, too -- lots of sizzling in the rain.
Sometimes a little sizzle is a good thing... like today:
CHRISTMAS PARTAAAAAY!!
One does not simply pedal up into Savage River National Forest....
So Snobbie! What's the latest skinny on the 'Fixed Gear Apocoalyptic Cliff'???
I'm two beats into that fucking gangnam style shit and I'm suddenly struck with a premonition of an enormous shark passing underneath you.
Bad juju on you.
Did you know that Fonzi literally jumped a shark on Happy Days? Ahead of their time, I guess.
Here's what happens to the unprepared in Savage River NF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqNMjZpSbnU
You can pick up some automatically-transmitted stuff that way for sure.
Whatever you do, JB, don't have children.
A triple? I didn't know they sold those to men.
I do have a vintage 5 cog Suntour freewheel that required an accompanying special long cage derailleur.
I couldn't bear to change my 54/42 campy nuovo record crank.
Forgot to add that the large cog was a 38 tooth.
Small bits of content which are explained in details, helps me understand the topic, thank you!
Master plumber
Wow, Google..."Needa plumberperth" got through your "real name" requirement?
Of the Gardiners Island Plumberperths, I presume?
Generally speaking, is time loss resulting from a TT setup more or less than time spent on your back still clipped in? Just askin.
chortle @ "aperient" (had to google that shiz)
chortle @ "aperient" (had to google that shiz)
"Every morning I take a stroll down to the seaside where I greet the local fishmongers and the merchants returning from the East with exotic trinkets and fragrances."
You buy your weed from seafarers?
That's old school, man. Massive respect.
I live in Chicago and those goddamn SRAM assholes do that Gangam Style shit all the time. One of the rep's wife works with me and she does that shit too and it pisses me off. Gangam style is played out, SRAM, get back to not designing an electric group.
Remote shifting.meh. Talk to me when I can shift in another country through a $800 mobile phone.
The gag potential is huge. Hack into the shifter remote frequency, switch every one to lowest gear while playing the Benny Hill theme. Cycling TV worth watching.
I talked my tri buddy into putting a 38 on in place of his compact 34. He said, "I want to do it myself, I think I can handle it."
He came by saying his shifting was acting "hinky".
He had put BOTH CHAINRINGS on the inside of the spider arms on the crank.
Hinky, indeed.
Anon 4:55, triples is for woosies, feebs, and the special olympics. Fausto Coppi did the whole TDF on 54-12. That was the granny gear. The world is getting warmer and softer.
Christmas PAARTAAAY!
Life rule #46, if you have to use the term "partay", you are too white.
"We'll climb that hill no matter how steep when we get up to it
Ooh we ride me high tomorrows the day my brides gonna come
Oh oh are we gonna fly down in the easy chair"
Going to China.
Any word on riding bikes there?
Looking for a Chinese Craigslist to purchase a flying pigeon for 100 Yuan or less.
That $4500 Pinny is a ripoff. You can see a fine scratch on the top tube.
In China, a" flying pigeon" is a tranny sex act. 100 yuan is about right.
Did you get the folder yet, snob?
Here's a folder with a titanium and carbon drive-train; tis the kind you like:
http://cdn.ternbicycles.com/sites/default/files/images/0/bikes/fold/2011/2012-tn-photo-verge-x20-fold-web.jpg
Mr. Bike Snob, after watching the Tri-dorks make idiots of themselves I watched the "Bike Fail Compilation, Part 1" video. "Freds" are simply embarassing; these guys should never be allowed to breed (after some of their stunts, some probabably won't be able to).
I know what it's like to be dead
I've been out of circulation for awhile. So, what's the going rate for a Pacific Rim Job with a double Hot Karl?
Crazy Tiso tunes. Thought it was a redux of Floyd's 'The Wall'.
Good thing that Toronto does not have an NHL franchise. They'd really be hurting what with the lock-out/strike/pissing contest/I know you are but what am I/douche' duel thingie.
Steam power, electric shifting, twelve speeds, electronic scanus massage, gruber assist...I'd spend real money on that combo.
CC,
54 grams of Methamphetamine and 12 liters of Charrdonay?
http://whatbikeracersshouldcallme.tumblr.com/post/36168028533/first-person-to-get-a-picture-of-themselves-winning-a
I find it offensive and pretty ridiculous that tri'athletes' perceive themselves as tough,
in any way shape or form.
Defective personality, unloved geeks with some deep seated need to prove and/or self redeem themselves.
Mamma love me!
True dat. Cringe? Nonsense gave me a full spinal shit-shiver.
True dat. Cringe? Nonsense gave me a full spinal shit-shiver.
krist almighty, where to begin.
today's column snobby is gold. GOLD.
i lauched. i cried. it was better than CATS.
something is wrong with me though, those crashing triathletes literally made me cry laughing. it was like spielberg's normandy invasion in saving ryan's privates, only with lycra and 4RPMs in a 42X21 tooth tall gear. silly triathletes.
10 minutes of opera clapping for you. thank you .
nice bike. and article. Celebrity Photos
Hello, yeah this article is actually nice and I have learned lot of things from it
on the topic of blogging. thanks.
Here is my page : mac baren
CC - it's not a "have to" thing at all. And it's not white. It's pink.
as in ayhlmpc
Tri-hards drift into their sport because they're not particularly good at anything. Obviously they didn't find their way to cycling via the MTB. Bike handling skills 3/10. Idiots.
I am in love. Tiso has stolen my heart from Campagnolo. True, it doesn't seem to have the same lithesome curves Vicenza breeds, but it's so exclusive. Italian and rare.
But what sort of Italian is this? What has the journey to the west done to Italians? Vergogna.
SRAM Red. Utter rubbish. The quality indicates that it's made from recycled fast food containers and beer cans. Appropriately American. Rode around Grenoble on an S-Works Roubaix with Red. Horrible. Climbed Alpe d'Huez on 105. Smoother and more reliable.
See, no obscenities or defamitory remarks about national peculiarities. Hardly worth the electricity.
HA!! Cyclists live longer
Knew it. You did, too, didn't you?
flammer - nicely restrained of you.
I drop a leave a response when I appreciate a post on a site or I have something to add to the discussion.
Usually it's a result of the passion displayed in the article I browsed. And on this article "Titles Are The Pie Plate Of Literature". I was actually moved enough to drop a comment :-P I do have 2 questions for you if it's okay.
Is it simply me or does it look like like a few of these
remarks appear like left by brain dead people?
:-P And, if you are posting at other places,
I'd like to keep up with everything new you have to post. Would you make a list all of all your social pages like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?
Stop by my web page - erinmore flake
PSY's Korean ancestors composed the Macarena 700 years before it was picked up by the Spanish and popularised around the world.
..."...ayhlmpc..."...
...i'm down for that...be delighted...& i'm not a hater...
Luv the Pink!
Capital P very intentional.
Good thee sir knought Flammer: good one.
I studied hard for the quiz.
I was hard because I had been on Babble's Blogular.
Hey Babble you got the Clothilde Douar bicycling school teacher look down nicely! I like it.
and that gawdawful nortenea uum-pa-pa music was composed by mesicans way before the germans were invented.
I have never been confined to a mental hospital for having a large gut.
I have never thrown $4000 worth of cocaine out of an auto window.
The most fascinating part of this post was 'a pretty schoolteacher, aged 21'. 21?!?! (cue Mr. Lee Roth)
rxtd [url=http://stylomontblancsoldes.fr]mont blanc stylo[/url] jzttmr http://stylomontblancsoldes.fr skrj [url=http://montblancstylopascher.fr]stylos mont blanc[/url] hcpzzk http://montblancstylopascher.fr afqn [url=http://montblancpenscheap.co.uk]mont blanc[/url] polasf http://montblancpenscheap.co.uk vvro [url=http://montblancukstores.co.uk]cheap mont blanc[/url] nukebv http://montblancukstores.co.uk nkwr [url=http://montblancpensuksale.co.uk]mont blanc sale[/url] dawlmn http://montblancpensuksale.co.uk dusd [url=http://montblancukshop.co.uk]mont blanc uk[/url] ypxhmo http://montblancukshop.co.uk nnnz
igaf [url=http://cheapbeatsbydrdrestores.com]beats by dre[/url] jeqclm http://cheapbeatsbydrdrestores.com mmkf [url=http://cheapbeatsbydredreshops.com]dr dre beats[/url] qaauqb http://cheapbeatsbydredreshops.com wgyja [url=http://beatsbydrdreaustraliasale.com]cheap beats by dre[/url] cpfomz http://beatsbydrdreaustraliasale.com bsxou [url=http://beatsbydrdresaleaustralia.com]beats by dre sale[/url] czhfe http://beatsbydrdresaleaustralia.com adx [url=http://cheapbeatsheadphonesaustralia.com]dr dre beats[/url] fqbeh http://cheapbeatsheadphonesaustralia.com kfgjc[url=http://www.focsa.org.au/myreview/beatsbydre.phtml]beats by dre sale[/url] ywxtj http://www.focsa.org.au/myreview/beatsbydre.phtml yhy
aqmht [url=http://buybeatsbydrdresale.co.uk]beats outlet[/url] sheevl http://buybeatsbydrdresale.co.uk pregy [url=http://salebeatsbydreonline.co.uk]cheap beats by dre[/url] igsjkk http://salebeatsbydreonline.co.uk qzage [url=http://salecheapbeatsdrdre.co.uk]beats by dre[/url] tpovfw http://salecheapbeatsdrdre.co.uk sbwsi [url=http://okcheapbeatsbydredr.co.uk]dr dre beats[/url] lqxyhq http://okcheapbeatsbydredr.co.uk kheuf [url=http://cheapbeatsbydredrsale.co.uk]beats by dre sale[/url] myelpj http://cheapbeatsbydredrsale.co.uk xladb [url=http://mycheapbeatsbydredr.co.uk]cheap dr dre beats[/url] syrxeh http://mycheapbeatsbydredr.co.uk hxwbc
Post a Comment