Friday, November 9, 2012

Close Your Eyes, Empty Your Mind, And Just Let The Words Flow From Your Fingertips Friday Fun Quiz Hot Platypus Scranus

Do you ever wish you had a time machine?  No?  Why not?  Is it because you're afraid you might go back in time and unwittingly have sex with one of your ancestors?  Eeew!  Anyway, if time travel really exists then for all intents and purposes you've already gone back in time and unwittingly had sex with one of your ancestors, which means chances are you're your own great-great-great grandparent anyway, so you might as well just get over it and say "Yes."

Do you ever wish you had a time machine?  Yes?  Me too!  Like, how awesome would that be?  So where would you go?  25AD at 4:20PM to smoke pot with Jesus?  The "Mein Kampf" book signing at the Munich Barnes & Noble in 1925 to kill Adolph Hitler?  The first-ever Lynyrd Skynyrd concert to ironically request "Freebird" before they even wrote the song?  Well, not me.  No, I'd grab a Bianchi Pista, go back to 2007, and revel in the "halcyon salad" days of the fixie craze, as captured in this old video that was forwarded to me by a reader:



But wait!  Cue hasty needle-lifting sound!  You mean this video isn't five years old?  You mean it came out yesterday?  Well, apparently this is the case, and I'm tremendously disappointed.  Sure, I'd expect this sort of thing from one of those entry-level theme cities like Portland or Austin, or maybe even from an intermediate-level city like San Francisco.  But London?  (At least I assume they're in London.)  Come on!  That's an alpha++ city!  There's absolutely no good reason that people old enough to grow beards should still be riding around there looking like this and bragging about how their bikes don't have brakes, not in this day and age:


By the way, who's this guy?


There's no way he's friends with them. My best guess he's a Mormon missionary trying to insinuate himself into the shot.

Also, my "street cred" factor may be deeply in the red, but even I know that if you're going to be in a rap video about fixies you shouldn't pretend to fly:


My two year old does exactly that in his little kiddie seat.  He should just let his arms hang down and gesticulate occasionally, like Harry Potter behind him is doing.

Anyway, you know you're in bad shape when your bike rap song is even goofier than one made by a Canadian named Andy Bernstein:

 

What they really should do is "collabiate" on something, if only because they could refer to themselves as "Abdominal Pane," which is exactly what I experience when I listen to both of these songs.

Speaking of abdomens, do you keep yours covered while riding?  Do you also like helping?  Well you can help two organizations rebuild Red Hook, Brooklyn after Shitstorm Sandy by buying one of these moisture-wicking abodominal covering devices:


Or you could just give them money directly and ride around shirtless, whatever works for you.  Or, you could buy the jersey, help the organizations, go back in time, have Hitler and Jesus autograph it, and then sell it on eBay for like $30 million and give that money to the organizations too.  Then they could totally rebuild Red Hook with enough left over to buy everyone a Jacuzzi.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right then HOLY CRAP!, and if your'e wrong then you'll see misplaced apostrophes as well as someone who drinks his own urine.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you travel back in time it's probably best not to have sex with anybody.


--Wildcat Rock Machine







1) Which of the following is not among the eight "action points" as itemized in the "manifesto for credible cycling?"

--"The creation of an independent and neutral commission, under the responsibility of the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA), to investigate the role of the UCI in the Armstrong affair and to report on any mistakes, abuses of power or complicity by the governing body."

--"Drug testing structures on all professional cycling events should, from now on, be instigated by Wada and administered by the national anti-doping agencies."

--"Penalties for doping offenses should become more severe; professional teams should not employ riders suspended for more than six months for a supplementary period of two years."

--"Through spiritual counselling called 'auditing,' the UCI should reduce and ultimately erase the power of the reactive mind. The reactive mind is of no benefit to the individual and is a source of irrationality, fears and nightmares. Its eradication achieves the State of Clear and brings to view the individual himself and is a landmark step in the full discovery of one’s true nature and in ultimately achieving full spiritual awareness and freedom."









2) The bike of the moment is now:

--The track bike
--The cyclocross bike
--The "fat bike"
--The late 19th century Parisian charcuterie apprentice pâté porteur bike







("Come on, move it you assholes!")

3) A Cleveland woman who drove her SUV on a sidewalk rather than wait for a schoolbus was handed the following punishment:

--A $50 summons
--A 30 day license suspension
--A sign that says, “Only an idiot drives on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus.”
--She was not punished at all






("The finger.")

4) Just because someone hits you with a car is no reason to give them "the finger."

--True
--False






(This is when people in Internet forums start using the phrase "failure mode.")

5) Professional cyclocross racer Sven Vanthourenhout recently collided with a:

--Pack of huskies
--Herd of bison
--Gaggle of geese
--Retrogrouch on a Rivendell




6) This is the:

--DOBIKE
--REBIKE
--MIBIKE
--FABIKE




(What syphilis looks like.)

7) Syphilis is a virus.

--True
--False



***Special Audio-Visual Sedative-Themed Bonus Video***



You're now hypnotized so you're not consciously aware that you're reading this subliminal message to buy my books and give me money.  Buy.  Consume.  Conform.  Surrender to your Canadian overlords.

107 comments:

boys on the hoods said...

podium

Paul Bowen said...

Podium!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

segundo

Serial Retrogrouch said...

i meant tercero

Serial Retrogrouch said...

but still podio

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

...............

General Misconception said...

Top 10 but I never?

Anonymous said...

Well, well

Mark Maidique said...

Oh hi there!

Paul Bowen said...

Aced the quiz too!

I want to apologise on behalf of London for that bloody awful video - I mean, as though Wand Erection aren't already causing enough misery? Sorry.

Thanks for a great week Wilders, thanks for not electing Mick Bromley America, have a nice weekend all.

Mark Maidique said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark Maidique said...

Is he saying he's a "Nazi Rider"? That's fucked up.

Doug said...

Too late, my mind is already empty.

McFly said...

I don't feel tardy.

Cam von Velo said...

Top teens at least

Serial Retrogrouch said...

hey, i don't ride a rivendell

Anonymous said...

JUMP ON THE TRAMPOLINE AND DANCE.

smug bostonian said...

2007? I thought fixie hipster culture peaked around 2004-2005 or so... I should know - I shaved off my beard and started buying less form fitting trousers around that time. still have my oversized messenger bag, but in 2005 I also sold my converted 70s univega to some schmuck for $$$$ and bought a more practical commuter bike.

oh - I know it's offseason, but yankees still suck.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I hang out with Wilbur and Orville at the bike shop. You should hear the discussions LMFAO.....Oh um, I mean if I had a time machine I would visit the Wright Cycle Shop.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wildcat Time Machine traveling.

theEel said...

weed....

JB said...

Leg mania, indeed.

Comment deleted said...

If I had a time machine, I'd go back two hours and get some more sleep.

McFly said...

V.O.G.U.E

Vagina's Ostensibly Generate Unsolicited Enthusiam

McFly said...

V.O.G.U.E.

Vegans Often Get Unruly Excerment

Anonymous said...

MC Abdominal may want to do a quick overdub on his "rekkid," since at like 50 seconds in he talks about Lance the "uncontested champ."

Anonymous said...

I thought "abdominal pain" was something you got from being bitten by a Yeti? Is that babble on the cover of the VOGUE mag? Oh wait no pecker tracks so it can't be.

Anonymous said...

Babble must be having a busy day (I almost accidentally typed "busty day." Man, that would have been a Freudian slip.). It's almost 9:30 BC time and she hasn't posted yet. At what point do we start to worry?

crosspalms said...

NYTimes' review of the new "Lincoln" movie made a passing reference to the 21st century beard farmers of Brooklyn. I just mention that because the Canadian overlords haven't shown up yet (distracted by LegMania?), so I have time to kill.

Anonymous said...

"collabiate"

I lol'd.

mikeweb said...

At one point in his video, the "water man" says that if you've watched this far, you're at least not repulsed and might even be interested.

He would be incorrect.

Former owners of the US and Canada said...

UK report on Bradley Wig's bike greets car accident says he suffered a head injury too (nothing serious though). So after getting head (dinged), I bet the first thing he said was "Bloody smart intercourse'ing vagina".

Bobby Burke said...

I am from from the future and have come to tell you this!!!
Millions of Nephrons have invaded Uranus, drink your own pee!

Buffalo Bill said...

My worst quiz result ever. Guess I need to study more.

Anonymous said...

NICE BIKE

STIK LEGS

97CA SATI

Anonymous said...

No word at all about whether the huskies survived their encounter.

Anonymous said...

Hoo-ray for Futurama references

mikeweb said...

So Snobbie, would like me to wire all my money to you, or mail it in 50s and 20s? I've bought both of your books, but I could always by more copies unless you have another one coming out(?) Also, awaiting my orders from Commie Canuck.

Cristobol du Santa Cruz said...

I can't wait for the supplemental video to drinking your own pee comes out. I heard it will be something like "Eat your own shit"

ken e. said...

sleepy town! hopefully babs is delayed by delicious belgian pastries at 2nd and burrard, and not any untoward mishaps.

mikeweb said...

I would like to believe that babble isn't delayed by an untoward mishap, but by torrid haps.

Anonymous said...

There is a secret message at the end of today's "blog" posting.

If you want to read it, and are not from another galaxy, either have a fistfight with Roddy Piper, or get special sunglasses by sending cash in the mail to:

Anonymous
c/o They Live Industries
New York, NY

leroy said...

If I had a time machine, I'd go back to before I listened to that muzak video and punch myself to distract me from clicking on the link.

Ride safe all!

My dog is acting stranger than usual. He's insisting that we have to go buy pemmican. Lots and lots of pemmican. Wonder what that's about eh.

leroy said...

Just before he got all weird with his "I'm-gonna-go-ride-a-Trail-A-Bike-with-no-helmet-to-buy-pemmican-and-maple-syrup-eh" thing, my dog asked what I thought would kill a job interview quicker: a gaudy neck tattoo and multiple facial piercings or an internet video proclaiming the joy of drinking one's urine.

I hope he's not getting another tattoo. He already drinks from the toilet.

McFly said...

Platypus Scranus is delicious lightly fried in a Tuscan olive oil. You got to slice it thin though, it can get boney.

babble on said...

pantpantpantpantpant

Thank you for the reminder Snob, though it seems someone hit the delete button ages ago, and my mind is permanently empty.

pantpantpant

YES!! I do wish I had a time machine, and more than that I believe in the possibility of travelling faster than the speed of light, since we'll have to figure that one out before we can mess with time. Um, and fuck yeah! Who wouldn't want to spark a fatty and kick back with Jesus. Imagine the conversation. "So hey man, you said anyone can do the miracles you do... you know, all that healing stuff... what's the secret?"

pantpantpantpant

Oh bless you... I'm alright, thanks. No mishaps, unless you count staying up half the night trying to resolve some technical issues which may have been made slightly more complicated by the bottle and a half of wine I consumed.

Just waiting on one more thing before I can post...

Beautiful day!!! It's sunny and clear and I have the day off!! Where to ride where to ride...

babble on said...

ken e- it's the Epicurean on first and Cypress which is most likely to stop me in my tracks...

Fredly Wiggins said...

I almost orgasmed when I found the answer to the quiz about the Cleveland woman.
Cunt.

Anonymous said...

230,786,918

ken e. said...

go around the corner to patisserie lebeau babs, it's the buttery-est!

babble on said...

THIS IS YOUR CANADIAN OVERLORD.

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE WE ARE ON TOP.

READ YOUR SNOBIBLE.

RIDE YOUR BIKE.

THE FLAG HAS ONE STAR- THE MAN IN THE BOAT WITH THE BEAVER.

KNEEL BEFORE HIGGS AND AYHLMPC.

grog said...

Babs got pants.
Snobs got time.
Vogues not vogue.
Babes got no kit.
FUNK WHIZ
RIDE NICE

db said...

Pretty sure that in 1925 Berlin it was a Bonn & Goebbels...

Anonymous said...

I watched the FaBike video, drank the Kool Aid and was like, Sold! How much? Where can I get one? And then Fabby comes on and says some mush about "supporting" him. So has he made any bikes? I mean, can I just go buy one of his fucking bikes or do I have to be an "investor"?

Call me retrogrouch but I don't think I'm digging the 2010s too much.

some jerk from the Eastbay said...

I liked when the Corgi yawned; it was cute. Also, that's the cleanest street I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

If I had access to a time traveling machine, I would visit [url="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Georg_Elser"]Georg Elser[/URL] during one of his nightshifts in the Bürgerbräukeller (yeah, I got those Umlauts on my keybord ...) while he was hewing a hole in a column to make room for a bomb that was to explode on the evening of 8 November 1939 when Hitler was scheduled to give a speech there. This speech took place, but Hitler had to leave earlier than expected because there was fog at Munich Airport so he couldn't use the plane and had to take the train. So the deadly bomb exploded exactly 13 minutes too late ...

Anonymous said...

If I had/have a time machine, I'd go back past time; to the nothingness before the big bang, just to see what's up. And I'd mess with the elements, hydrogen and helium, just to see what would happen. I'd pee the primordial soup, basically.

Anonymous said...

If I had/have a time machine, I'd go back past time; to the nothingness before the big bang, just to see what's up. And I'd mess with the elements, hydrogen and helium, just to see what would happen. I'd pee in the primordial soup.

echuck said...

@ Cristobol du Santa Cruz,

I believe there have been many videos on the subject. Just search for a live GG Allin video for "Bite It, You Scum." Be forewarned, it is rather disturbing...

POOP FOOD

THEN FLNG

babble on said...

I will never be an IT genius.

Better LATE than never.

gotta run
gotta date with a bike
and a mountain

Dooth said...

That's one cool corgi...little does he know his hipster owner's taking him to get fixed.

Anonymous said...

Hey snob, just read the enlightened cyclist. I am trying to apply the principles on my 20 mile commute into Boston ( in a car - bikes dont fare well on the pike). So I am still driving like a masshole but I am not angry in my heart while doing. So thanks for that. Now I just need suggestions on how to feel smug whilst driving a car.

McFly said...

That Orange Smokebomb 360 tail whip was pretty bitchin and the Corgi vid was so inspiring that we strapped our semi-domesticated Tom cat in the trek kid trailer and pulled him around the block.

So yeah anyway we are now currently in the market for a new kid trailer.

Fnarf said...

Holy cow, does that jersey piss me off.

"100% of the profits" -- why not "100% of the REVENUE"? Who says there's even going to be "profits"? Profits after all the marketing bills have been paid, after the advertising has been paid, after the brand managers have been paid, after the president of the company has been paid.

That thing is nothing but a company standing on the backs of suffering people to advertise their brand -- a couple of brands, actually; it's a collabo.

Just give 'em money.

Anonymous said...

Red Hookers. That's something I can gt behind.

Jimmy Chewbacca said...

Ms. Legs has skinny long penis heels on that she's going to mate with clitless pedals. Good luck with that.

McFly said...

Babble On pulls it off daily.

Anonymous said...

More Freebird or imagonna....

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Oh honestly, Fnarf, there is always someone on the interwebs who will opine that something is completely wrong, offer some speculation to explain why he's obviously right, and suggest that if folks would just follow his advice, things would be so much better.

Don't be that guy.

There's nothing wrong with donating 100% of profits as opposed to 100% of revenue -- especially where the folks making the offer don't know if they will be filling 8 or 8,000 orders.

Just because something could be done differently, doesn't mean it isn't good.

And don't be pissed off.

Here's hoping that you'll snap out of it just like my dog after I read him Dooth's observation that the Corgi in the hypnotic video was on his way to get fixed.

Of course, now my dog keeps saying "Don't kid trailer me bro."

But at least he's over his pemmican and maple syrup fixation.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

The mysterious music video drafter of London is a young Stephen Fry.

MSgt Hulka said...

I don't know but I been told Aussie Platypussy is mighty taut!

hup two three four ...

ce said...

Platypussy diving is a naturally evolved thing, SCUBA not required.

McFly said...

If I was named Fnarf I would be full of rage, too.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah damn fnarf chill out duder! I was gonna comment earlier that's not a mormon missionary that's fnarf the tassel shoe guy but i held my tongue.

Well i bought the red hook jersey. The long sleve one anyway.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yeah damn fnarf chill out duder! I was gonna comment earlier that's not a mormon missionary that's fnarf the tassel shoe guy but i held my tongue.

Well i bought the red hook jersey. The long sleve one anyway.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What the hell seeing double already i've only had one glass of whiskey. So far.

McFly said...

You spelled sleeve wrong. Twice.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thanks McFly. Nice to know you got my back.

McFly said...

Know problim

Hand Solo said...

fap! fap! fap! fap!fap!fap!

Splurch!

Splatt!




ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

babble on said...

ahh jeez...

How EVER did I get this far in life without my daily Snob and the Peanut Gallery fix?

You'd better give us plenty of warning if ever you're planning on an early retirement, Snobbers, cause I'll need to put some emergency plans in place.

The new religion? Absolute stroke of bloody fucking genius, that. Sign me up.

babble on said...

Is it bad that I pretend to fly on the Amsterdam in five and a half inch heels? I promise I don't often do it while rapping...

McFly said...

I live in Pretent Land pretty much all the time. A while back someone on here said I was really a 14 year old boy. That's a little to close to home.

Anonymous said...

This is THE PLACE to indulge the 14 year old in us. Occasionally, adult topics creep in and mature thoughts are exchanged.

babble on said...

Oh help.

Leroy. You said:

"Oh honestly, Fnarf, there is always someone on the interwebs who will opine that something is completely wrong, offer some speculation to explain why he's obviously right, and suggest that if folks would just follow his advice, things would be so much better.

Don't be that guy."

I've always felt this would be a happier planet if I were Ruler of the World. Does that makes me "that guy...?"

FNARF (Future RotW)

Flammer said...

Mindless, hippie piss drinker.

babble on said...

Not sure I'd recognise a mature thought if it bit me in the ass.

Anonymous said...

Maybe if it rocks your pink canoe...

McFly said...

I am not mature and I occasionally bite ass. So no, it would be unrecognizable.

BITE MARK

SORC HEEK

SKIT TLES

14 year old boy said...

I highly recommend Stroke-N-Teen Blog. There is literally minutes worth of footage and stills to crank your shaft to.

Anonymous said...

How does a platypus have a scranus? Monotreme means single hole.

McFly said...

A big THANK YOU to all the veterans out there on the interwebs that defend and protect wooseys like me. Seriously.

Massively Alcoholic Cipo said...

platypus has a beaver tail ...

Have I ever mentioned the time that I had sex with a platypus bitch on a ca$h dare?

Made $10,000 I did!

Anonymous said...

"Hoo-ray for Futurama references"

Maid in Heaven

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

That's just the cutest video ever! But I'm not going to tell you which one.

Anonymous said...

What?!

It's raining syphilis in New Jersey? Haven't those people seen enough yet, between all the rain, and the snow, and the rain, and the gas, and the rain, and the Ho- Boken?

Anonymous said...

quote: Have I ever mentioned the time that I had sex with a platypus bitch on a ca$h dare?

you might have done, but you would be a dud root for her cousin, the echidna. The boys have multiple penises in a tree formation, which ejaculate in pairs

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

100

McFly said...

Shut up legs. Seriously quit calling my name like the siren song.

Frilly said...

Way ta go with the Podio Grouch!

xxoo
Frilly

JB said...

Lately, I need a master's degree to figure out many of the comments. Either that, or translation by Jane Goodall.

Maxentius said...

Re the Fixie video - I thought New Yorkers "get" irony?

Anonymous said...

Cool.
wow gold

punit unisense said...

Your post is too good...especially the pic in which obama is tensed! lol!

solar fencing

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