Do you ever wish you had a time machine? Yes? Me too! Like, how awesome would that be? So where would you go? 25AD at 4:20PM to smoke pot with Jesus? The "Mein Kampf" book signing at the Munich Barnes & Noble in 1925 to kill Adolph Hitler? The first-ever Lynyrd Skynyrd concert to ironically request "Freebird" before they even wrote the song? Well, not me. No, I'd grab a Bianchi Pista, go back to 2007, and revel in the "halcyon salad" days of the fixie craze, as captured in this old video that was forwarded to me by a reader:
But wait! Cue hasty needle-lifting sound! You mean this video isn't five years old? You mean it came out yesterday? Well, apparently this is the case, and I'm tremendously disappointed. Sure, I'd expect this sort of thing from one of those entry-level theme cities like Portland or Austin, or maybe even from an intermediate-level city like San Francisco. But London? (At least I assume they're in London.) Come on! That's an alpha++ city! There's absolutely no good reason that people old enough to grow beards should still be riding around there looking like this and bragging about how their bikes don't have brakes, not in this day and age:
By the way, who's this guy?
There's no way he's friends with them. My best guess he's a Mormon missionary trying to insinuate himself into the shot.
Also, my "street cred" factor may be deeply in the red, but even I know that if you're going to be in a rap video about fixies you shouldn't pretend to fly:
My two year old does exactly that in his little kiddie seat. He should just let his arms hang down and gesticulate occasionally, like Harry Potter behind him is doing.
Anyway, you know you're in bad shape when your bike rap song is even goofier than one made by a Canadian named Andy Bernstein:
What they really should do is "collabiate" on something, if only because they could refer to themselves as "Abdominal Pane," which is exactly what I experience when I listen to both of these songs.
Speaking of abdomens, do you keep yours covered while riding? Do you also like helping? Well you can help two organizations rebuild Red Hook, Brooklyn after Shitstorm Sandy by buying one of these moisture-wicking abodominal covering devices:
Or you could just give them money directly and ride around shirtless, whatever works for you. Or, you could buy the jersey, help the organizations, go back in time, have Hitler and Jesus autograph it, and then sell it on eBay for like $30 million and give that money to the organizations too. Then they could totally rebuild Red Hook with enough left over to buy everyone a Jacuzzi.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then HOLY CRAP!, and if your'e wrong then you'll see misplaced apostrophes as well as someone who drinks his own urine.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and if you travel back in time it's probably best not to have sex with anybody.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Which of the following is not among the eight "action points" as itemized in the "manifesto for credible cycling?"
--"The creation of an independent and neutral commission, under the responsibility of the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA), to investigate the role of the UCI in the Armstrong affair and to report on any mistakes, abuses of power or complicity by the governing body."
--"Drug testing structures on all professional cycling events should, from now on, be instigated by Wada and administered by the national anti-doping agencies."
--"Penalties for doping offenses should become more severe; professional teams should not employ riders suspended for more than six months for a supplementary period of two years."
--"Through spiritual counselling called 'auditing,' the UCI should reduce and ultimately erase the power of the reactive mind. The reactive mind is of no benefit to the individual and is a source of irrationality, fears and nightmares. Its eradication achieves the State of Clear and brings to view the individual himself and is a landmark step in the full discovery of one’s true nature and in ultimately achieving full spiritual awareness and freedom."
2) The bike of the moment is now:
--The track bike
--The cyclocross bike
--The "fat bike"
--The late 19th century Parisian charcuterie apprentice pâté porteur bike
("Come on, move it you assholes!")
3) A Cleveland woman who drove her SUV on a sidewalk rather than wait for a schoolbus was handed the following punishment:
--A $50 summons
--A 30 day license suspension
--A sign that says, “Only an idiot drives on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus.”
--She was not punished at all
4) Just because someone hits you with a car is no reason to give them "the finger."
(This is when people in Internet forums start using the phrase "failure mode.")
5) Professional cyclocross racer Sven Vanthourenhout recently collided with a:
--Pack of huskies
--Herd of bison
--Gaggle of geese
--Retrogrouch on a Rivendell
(What syphilis looks like.)
7) Syphilis is a virus.
***Special Audio-Visual Sedative-Themed Bonus Video***
You're now hypnotized so you're not consciously aware that you're reading this subliminal message to buy my books and give me money. Buy. Consume. Conform. Surrender to your Canadian overlords.