Then look at this:
Then look at this:
And then just forget about the cat because it has nothing to do with anything, sometimes I just lose my train of thought.
Anyway, whatever happens, Levi Leipheimer can take solace in the fact that he'll always be able to find work in TV adaptations of epic fantasy novels. As for the cat, please reserve your obscene pussy diver references for the comments section or the wall of the bathroom stall in which you're currently sitting.
Secondly, Bradley Wiggins has been hit by a car:
The good news is that, according to Team Sky, Wiggins is expected to "make a full and speedy recovery." Here's what happened:
The witness, Yasmin Smith, an attendant at the garage, told the BBC: “I was in the office and I heard a screeching of tyres and a bang.
Presumably this was followed by a stream of invectives, including multiple uses of the word "cunt" as a noun, a verb, an adjective, and even as an adverb, which is something you don't often hear. ("That happened cuntingly," for example.) And if the cunning linguistics weren't shocking enough, then there was the realization of who had been hit:
Ms Smith was said to be devastated when she was informed by police who it was she had hit.
Prior to that, she didn't really give a shit.
By the way, as it happens, the crash coincides with the publication of Wiggins's autobiography:
Wiggins has not ridden since the world championships in September after a year in which he became the first Briton to win the Tour and followed that with Olympic gold in London. His recent focus has been on writing his autobiography. The book is published today.
That's a pretty clever publicity stunt. I'm going to try that when my next book, "1,000 Mouth-Watering Ham Recipes" is published. (I'm thinking I could get hit by a pig while I'm out for a ride.) Still, I'm not sure he needed to go through all that trouble, since I'd buy the Wiggins book based on the packaging alone:
Most celebrities engage the services of a co-author, and as you can tell from the byline Wiggins is no exception. In any case, I hope he's up and riding again soon.
Meanwhile, this is shaping up to be a bad week for pro cyclists and crashes, because cyclocross racer Sven Vanthourenhout was also recently injured in a "dog collision:"
He didn't just roll over someone's Bichon Frisé, either. He actually hit an entire freaking team of huskies:
"In that forest there is a 'cross course that cyclo-cross racers use. When I turned out of a lane there someone was coming with some huskies in the opposite direction. It happened so fast that I rode right into the dogs," he told Sporza. Following the accident he posted a photo of himself on Twitter showing he had broken the fork on his bike in half.
Evidently he trains in Winterfell. (Yes, I started watching "Game of Thrones," once I start rooting around in the On Demand cable I'm like a dog in the trash and there's no stopping me.) Of course I'm also wishing Sven Vanthourenhout well, but the crabon lining in all of this is that we get to see some sweet broken fork porn!
Nobody likes to see a fellow cyclist get hurt, but at the same time every cyclist loves looking at broken fork porn. Once you know the rider hasn't been seriously hurt it gives you the same feeling you get from popping bubble wrap. It's also especially satisfying for retrogrouches, since if the fork is crabon they get to tout the repairability of their own steel forks and talk about the time they were able to fix theirs with a Bic lighter and a paperclip after getting hit by a dogsled team.
Speaking of crabon forks, it gives me great pleasure to formally introduce the FABIKE, which has one:
Like Old Man Budnitz and pretty much every other aspiring bicycle mogul, FABIKE guy follows a familiar template. First, he establishes a tangential ancestral connection to cycling which is supposed to prove it's in his DNA--and in FABIKE guy's case, this means that he had a relative who was an old-timey Fred:
(Does that jersey say what I think it says?)
Next, the would-be mogul tells us how he shopped high and low for the perfect bicycle, only to be disappointed at every turn:
("I don't like the color and the tires smell terrible!")
Then, finally, there's the revelation that nobody in the world can make a bicycle worthy of him, and that if you want something done wrong you have to do it yourself:
("Dammit, the future of bicycle retail rests on my shoulders")
Enter the FABIKE, which can be a fixie or a road bike or a city bike:
Just like about a million other bikes that have hit the market since the Great Fixie Explosion of 2005, or about a zillion other bikes that hit the market before the Great Vertical Dropout Explosion of the end of the 20th century.
Here it is:
The secret to the FABIKE is what the inventor calls the "never-seen-before innovative sliding dropouts:"
"Did he just claim he invented the sliding dropout?" I asked myself incredulously as I "rewound" the video and played it again. Yes he did--though to his credit he seems to have designed some of the strength and reliability out of them too.
Here's the FABIKE in motion, filmed from one of those fiber-optic "urethra cams:"
Ouch.
And here's the FABIKE being portaged by a young woman:
I wonder if he used the "urethra cam" for that too. If he did it would explain the angle of the shot.
By the way, in addition to inventing the convertible road frame and the sliding dropout, FABIKE guy also invented the singlespeed freehub:
The BB30 crankset:
The Paul brake lever:
And the bullhorn handlebar:
Or at least he told someone else to invent them while enjoying a glass of wine:
Unfortunately, there are two problems with the FABIKE. Firstly, while you can use it as a fixie or a road bike or a city bike, you can only ride it in a sweatsuit:
Also, there's the name, which really isn't good:
Yes, a rose by any other name blahblahblah, but we're talking about bicycle branding here, and this logo poses a major problem. See, when you look at the logo above, the mind's impulse is to insert the missing consonant at the end of "FA," and exactly which one it inserts depends on how emotionally immature you are. Sure, there's the obvious one, so let's just get it out of the way for all the frat boys out there. FAG Bike. Ha, ha, ha. But the real rewards come when you probe deeper (stop it now!) and use some other letters, because then you get to "FAT Bike," and "FAQ Bike," and "FAP Bike" (my personal favorite), and the list goes on. (FAN Bike? FAX bike? It never ends!)
Even the full name, "Flexibly-Adjustable," doesn't work, because, you know, boners and dildos.
Hey, look, what do you want from me? Somebody needs to point this stuff out.
Anyway, I say all he needs to do is change the name to something less awkward, like maybe "The Craboner," and he's got a real winner on his hands.
Lastly, a reader informs me he might have discovered
Here's a closer look:
Though to my mind it's merely some photographer's pale imitation of the original:
It's nothing without the soul patch and the motion lines.
141 comments:
douche!
Touche
Scuduche
cartouche!
Please stop destroying bike culture, snobby, I beg you!
BRET
medi evil German tourist
AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!
Hello Peeps!
Sir Bradley, do you have a word for the driver?
And the FaBike has a yellow elephant in the logo. The Republicans are so going to sue his ass off.
SCUB ACAT
FABreezycle.
weed.
i'm back.
The witness, Yasmin Smith, an attendant at the garage, told the BBC: “I was in the office and I heard a screeching of tyres and a bang.
Then
Ms Smith was said to be devastated when she was informed by police who it was she had hit.
How did Ms Smith hit Wiggns while she was in the office? Geez, WCRM, this is the kind of quality journalism that you should pick up first time through... I shouldn't have to point it out to you.
Oh, man the FA bike comes with a MATT COATING ON THE ENTIRE SURFACE OF THE FRAME!
I wonder what part of Matt it comes from?
Faux Bike.
Plus, the mogul invented new terms for the tubes!
The DIAGONAL tube!
The HORIZONTAL tube!
The VERTICAL tube!
Because top tube and down tube are too confusing!
Anonymous 12:14pm,
I was a bit confused by that. Maybe she works out of her car...?
--Wildcat Rock Machine
I'll bet I'm the only one here who cycles in tassel loafers!
Top 2o KBZ
Foiled again. (ZOD)
FREAKING FA Bike keychain bottle opener!
FA bike SPOKE CARDS!
I can finally die happy!
FART BIKE
Anonymous 12:14pm,
Ms. Smith was a witness in the office.
The other "she" is the woman who was driving the car.
Poor original journalism, not the Rock Machine's fault!
Were wiggins' sideburns topped with a helmet?!
It's good to see you too, Bradley. Did you leave out Fadbike on purpose?
Can someone explain the bit about pussy divers for me, please?
Scroll down on the Kickstart page for this:
The FIBIKE design is characterized by an extremely minimalist approach, devoid of unnecessary elements, creates the visual effect of lightness.
i heard a large explosion at roughly 12pm east and wondered to my computer to find that it was just a new entrant to the bicycle culture being DESTROYED!!!!!!!!!!
Nice transition from yesterdays dick-fest to pussy.
I agree, Ms. Bateman (sorry about the mistaken gender yesterday; Masters generally don't have labia).
I am humbled by the Snob's menschivity; as much as my blood boils at the self-righteous twats over on Blog-not-to-be-given-anymore-free-page-hits, I, too will henceforth take the high road (although I dread the climb up to it).
Game of Thrones? That shit is like, crack, man. Bad news.
I wonder if Bret's cousin will start showing up everywhere?
"If he did it would explain the angle of the shot."
-Definitely
On the FA Bike, do you get to have a full cable run to the SRAM rear derailleur, just like on a vintage Huffy? How cool!
Well Mr. Vanthourenhout's mishap with the huskies explains why my dog has been singing Frank Zappa's "Don't Eat That Yellow Snow" all morning.
"The husky wee-wee I mean the
doggy wee-wee has blinded me
And I can't see - temporarily"
And I thought his song was prompted by our weather.
Ride safe all and watch out where the Huskies go.
Bikes and stuff. For a split-second I thought bald jack Black was licking that tire.
TAST TEST
(Needs an "E")
WETP USSY
Rantwick,
I imagine it depends on just how many credits he costs on iStock-Photo. I think the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork/Bret has got to be in the bargain bin for sure.
Sven Vanthourenhout, tyres, Briton....what language is this? English please. Maybe Yasmin Smith was having one of those "business lunches" in her car.
PUSS Y2GO
Geeze, Snob, you're so on top of things today you even wrote the comment section for us. Thank you. I was waaaaay too busy to mention pussy diving this morning....
I'll bet I'm the only one here who cycles in spd sandals!
Fill in the blanks:
Bikehugger is a blog for ___
Man, must be be nice to have so many bikey friends as FAbike guy, no one gives a crap about bikes in the inner city, except to steal them from you :(
The poor lady who first saw Wiggins' after the crash has been missing ever since she mentioned to the police that she witnessed lacerations on Wiggins' cheek and elbow completely heal as she approached.
I'm waiting on a pair of sky high Jimmy Choo's complete with cleats.
I image the bike hugger guy is super bummed that you posted the FA Bike propaganda before his be-spoked ass. Which if one ponders, rightfully belongs there in the first place.
i think what's missing from the FA Bike logo is not in fact a letter, but a shape in that yellow region... looks like it would fit a 'rigid' dildo very well.
Snobby - baffle is right. You're doing our job for us. As head retrogrouch, I was poised to comment on the crapon fork and how my steel one takes a beating. Then you come along with your incredible super power to anticipate what I would write. You do you're job and we'll.... Never mind.
cycle
INTERESTING CANADA FACT #36,711
In Quebec Provence the Surly Big Dummy is known as Le Portageur les Retardo.
Pussy Diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea
Oh what's becoming of me
Ride the tiger
You can see his stripes but you know he's clean
Oh don't you see what I mean
Gotta get away
Pussy Diver
Shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue
Something is coming for you
Race for the morning
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light
Oh we will pray it's all right
Gotta get away-get away
Between the velvet lies
There's a truth that's hard as steel
The vision never dies
Life's a never ending wheel
Pussy Diver
You're the star of the masquerade
No need to look so afraid
Jump on the tiger
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean
Some light can never be seen
Repeat verse 1
Howdy commentariat. If anyone would like to support 'Super Storm Sandy' (aka SSS) victims in Red Hook (Brooklyn) and get a cool looking jersey all at the same time, then here you go.
Bet I'm the only one here who rides (and walks around the women's department) in Moon boots with a hidden camera pointing upward.
Oh wait, McFly is here. Nevermind.
I prefer capon forks and my own shoes. Ride a mile in another man's shoes and you might get athlete's foot.
I totally get that disappointment, I can't blame him. I couldn't find my ideal commuter bike either. So I bought a $99 Nashbar frame, slapped some Deore parts on it and Ta Da! The perfect bike!
@ Da Chump 12:18: Good one!
and if it is supposed to be some sort of commuter where's the room for FA bike FFFFenders? What the Fuch, take the bus...
Seriously, not a single comment about how just this summer Wiggins said if you are not wearing a helmet you deserve to die?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-19090898
Please don't use the 'N' word.
The Daily Telegraph quoted the female van driver as saying: “I can’t believe it. Of all the people to hit, bloody Bradley Wiggins.”
I can't believe the Snob didn't mention Stanley's typically charming gesture to the media: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2229533/Bradley-Wiggins-wife-confronts-driver-hit-rider.html
2nd picture down... cunts
Pussy Diver...hmmmm.
What's it called when I am...um....(clears throat)...um....laying on my back....and she is.....um..."displaying" herself on my lower face?
I have my reasons for asking. Don't judge.
Thanks mikeweb, I've been needing a new long sleve jersey.
....doesn't work, because, you know, boners and dildos.
hahahahhahahhahah...SUSHI EVERYWHERE!!!!!
hahahahahha
McFly, I think that's called "awesome"*.
*Also known as Reason for Living #32.
sleve? Dafuq now they got RCT doing it.
Pink Canoe Facial? (The canoe is upside down so all the moisture runs out)
fook'in ouch!
dire wolves
Wait, I've got it.
"Taking chin."
Fake Bike
Buffalo Bill... BUGGERS!
I'm sorry, but I just want to beat the shit out of that FA guy. And his bike is FUGLY.
Nothing against Levi but I think his photos in the press make him look like Max Schreck's Nosferatu character.
Off to the Grim Fondle.....
Yesterday, someone calls Snob a dick. Today... EXTRA DICK JOKES!!
This really is why I read this blog every day.
balls™
Up until now we just call it Thursday Night but we have been wanting to class up the joint.
It's good that the fabike can only be a single bike. Think of the problems if it could be two bikes at once!
Incidentally, one of the British Cycling bicycle cycling coaches got twatted off his bike by a car today, Stanley Wiggins has been allowed to go home.....bet none of them go out training tomorrow. Who is the mystery assailant?
hey nonny mouse
I'd like to point out that the word cunt is linguistically pejorative, that is, the sound cunt is perceived as being a weaker sound than, say, cock. It's kind of a Middle East, way back in time male control thing.
Having noted that, let me just say:
Stupid cunts! Stupid bloody wanker cunts, with an arsehole so close you can smell it! Stupid bloody cunts!
Thank You.
Reason for Living #32 is quite good, though Thursday Night works, too.
I think Wiggo and Snob would get on famously if they ever met.
Wildcat:
Can you do something about the pop-out image viewer?
I don't like how you have to "close" it to keep reading the blog. And when I impulsively hit the back button it takes me out of the blog, and then I lose my place.
And I can't change my ways, you change your's please.
CUNT DIVE
Oh no, bike dorks will be uttering the words CATASTROPHIC FAILURE.
@McFly
I think you meant:
TAYS TEST
Hello McFly?
FA Bike dude is really into bikes. He chose the chain that looks cool and stretches more.
Headboard Shuffle
"The Artist" has nothing on this new silent movie release from TA.
I smell Oscar!
correction:
'"The Craboner," and he's got a real winner on his hands'
'""The Craboner," and he's got a real weiner on his hands.'
Sweet FA Bike.
Normally I just say "Do you want to sit on my face?" and by the time I get to the word "face" it comes out muffled.
I pray to the Gods that someone from Donkey Bike, Inc. reads this blogular and sends you one to try out. And then give away in a sweet contest based on portaging disabilities.
The Craboner?
And here I thought those funny little crustaceans just had a shell and a couple of pincers.
I beg almighty Lob's forgiveness for my ignorance.
I read in that book of yours that you used to ride the bmx. I bet you could make a sick edit of you on the donkey doing some rad tricks.
Too many puns to enjoy.
You're all juvenile cunning linguists.
The only thing creepier than photos of Levi is getting called out by Snob for reading his blog in a bathroom stall. How'd you know? Fortunately I got all smuggly distracted thinking of my fleet of steel forked bikes.
Yeah pussy diver made me think of that song too, I had to go and listen to it. I can see the cover of the album with a giant pussy.
Anon, 3:25
that's, cunting linguists.
My dog borrowed my credit card. He said something about bailing, Uncle Mike, new jersey and helping folks in Red Hook.
I didn't know he had an Uncle Mike in New Jersey.
And I'm pretty sure you don't have to post bail to get out of arrested development.
But if he's helping the Red Hook Initiaitive and Restore Red Hook, I'm all for it.
Is it just me or does FA BIKE man in a track suit look like a character from Grand Theft Auto?
http://www.ign.com/characters/niko-bellic-gta
Are we at 100 cunts, yet?
Two pics of our author smartphoning whilst engaging in cargo bike charity at the Atlantic... Link forthcoming...
http://www.theatlanticcities.com/neighborhoods/2012/11/power-bicycles-disaster-recovery/3834/
now we're at 100
I bet that in order to avoid a horrific injury, at the last moment before impact, Bradley took a
CUNT DIVE
As a science teacher at a continuation high school, I'm very familiar with the "sliding drop out."
It's been around forever.
leroy,
It seems that your dog does have a good idea once in a, what is it called, dog's age?
See you in Hell Putzolu! You too Schloss!
c'mon give this fabike guy some justice. those inventions might be just renderings so far, but a drop out that can be changed from 120 to 130mm seems new to me. as well as an internal freewheel that allows the same cog to be used on both sides of the hub.
The Vaginal Respirator.....that's it.
106 comments and not one, not even one about the hot young thing in the white T portaging the bull horn bike down the stairs. I want to applaud the commentariet for taking the high road and focusing on hard-hitting cycling issues like scuba cats and Brad Wiggo getting runned over by that cunt instead of wondering where those stairs lead to and wondering what she will do when she gets there. Probably give some lucky bastard a Vaginal Respirator.
Anon 5:16_
Just busting his chops...the price for free publicity on BSNYC.
The Aussie paper smh didn't miss the key facts of the wiggo crash story:
Lancashire police said the 32-year-old suffered broken ribs and a wrist injury and had spent the night in hospital.
He gave photographers the middle finger as he was driven away from hospital.
McFly,
My comment at 12:36 re snobs comment about the camera angle whilst filming the hot young thing.
Dick-eye view
Nah, too vague. We are still good. Those breasts are small, but firm, and perky.
'Twould appear that old Fabio is pulling the old "camera in the shmeckel" gag.
You gotta love the classics.
J-F 1:08, Nothing to do with sexy times so no comments. Damn. I sure hope Stanley was wearing a helment. I wouldn't want the cunt being all devastated and stuff for living through it. Still, what are the odds of hitting Brian Wiggins and Adele just happens to come to his rescue. Talk about star-struck. Lob speed Barry Wiggins, Lob speed.
"Canning soup"
I'm the hipster cipo
Got my whip on the track and now watch
Me go
I gotz the skills to rhyme
I gotz the skills to ride
Put me on a bike and I just can't climb
Word ("eating pussy")
Where do I attach the useful stuff, like fenders, bags, etc. FAux Bike for sure.
Where do I attach the useful stuff like my tits, lips, vajayjay, etc?
This blog and comments drips
with sarcasm
drips Cipo
like a well-paddled pink canoe
like the bike saddle of a hungry Cipo
and to answer White T girl's query,
my beefy bottom bracket
and long stem.
When this game is very common and mostly people is like this game because fitness is very important of every ones life.
Yeah, what Vino said, er Turbo Training DVD guy.
"Thanks to Fabio's experience in this field, we feel very confident with the design. Fabio started his career in the design Industry in 2001 and since then, he has gained experience working for important international brands such as Fiat, Renault, Citibank, Vodafone."
Everyone knows Citibank designs the best bikes
vuh gi nuh
Small? Those are just perfectly fine.
Why did the entire industry go to vertical rear dropouts, anyway? Grant Petersen used to extol horizontal ones, but Rivendells have all gone vertical, too.
History of the World in Two Hours on the H2 Channel is pretty awesome. Nothing to do with bikes or sex and pretty much everything to do with sex and bikes.
Bicycle Sport Shop photo above reminds me of this http://pinterest.com/source/stockingisthenewplanking.com/
Hilarious.
Bicycle Sport Shop photo above reminds me of this http://pinterest.com/source/stockingisthenewplanking.com/
Hilarious.
Turbo Training @ 11:29 is proof of what riding without a helmet will do for you.
Tilford likes a good Trappist ale or two.
That SCUBA CAT gets me everytime. Steve Tilford can go down a hill faster on a 'cross bike than you probably can on your road bike. Sack up and let off them brakes you woosey.
You cant generate enough power arms in to get time travelling. The cervelo cousin may set a PB arms in but he will never get to TT(Time Travel).
WICKED GOOD POST EVEn9OOOPS CAPS LOCK) a day late. this is aging well.
Peace out and shit.
ioh yeah
WEEDZ(no caps lock!!)))1101
I was thinking FAUX Bike or Fucking-A Bike.
I was thinking FAUX Bike or Fucking-A Bike.
It's David Byrne!
Fa Fa Fa Fa bike fafafafafa....
Gotta run, run away..
hey nonny mouse
Even worse, the "inventor" of he FABIKE can't even distinguish between homophones!!!!!!!
"GROUND BRAKING DROPOUTS" says Fabian. Ground braking? So the dropouts are brakes, too? What if I want it brakeless?!
My GIOS Compact Pro has sliding dropouts - Mr. Gios may have a patent thing here.
So far soooooo gooooood.
wow gold
The bamboo bike owner used 'at' in the email address. Don't they know this is only to prevent it from showing up in on-line searches?
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