Thursday, October 25, 2012

Safety First: All You Haters Suck My Cheese Balls

Earlier this year and what seems a lifetime ago (specifically a cricket's lifetime since they only live for six months) I went to Puglia in Italy, where I took part in something called "Full Bike Day:"



And also stood face-to-face with the legendary Crazy Bike of San Vito dei Normanni:



It's so crazy that the only way you can adjust the rebound damping is with prescription drugs.

Well, the organizers of Full Bike Day are doing it again, and they've asked me to let you know about their new photo contest, which I'm now doing because: a) I like them; and 2) they said if I don't they'd come to New York and kill me:


(When I think of "The bicycle and mankind," I think of a 15 year-old in a sweatshirt.)

By the way, I never would have imagined it possible, but I think they may have actually topped the "OG" Full Bike Day poster:


Anyway, if you are inclined to submit a throbbing hunk of your photographic excellence to this contest, here are the rules:
I didn't take the time to actually read it carefully, but I did skim it, and I think it says the winner gets nothing and that the organizers get to keep the photos.

That's how they do things in Puglia.

Moving on to matters of bicycle safety, here's a Bike "Accident" Fun Set for your your child, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

(Ambulance-chasing lawyer in Escalade sold separately.)

See how everybody's smiling?  That's because the idea is to teach your children that running down cyclists in cars is a fun part of everyday life, like visiting grandma or going to the bakery.  In fact, it's perfectly reasonable to expect that you might run down one or two cyclists on the way to either place.  Just treat them like pigeons or squirrels--keep right on going until they notice you and get out of the way.  And if you hit them don't worry, because it's their fault for being too stupid to move, and anyway everybody will be fine just as long as the cyclist is wearing a helment.

By the way, if the toy store is out of the Playmobil set, you can always get the same thing in Legos:


Clearly this is a popular scenario.

Anyway, I was thinking about safety yesterday as I was riding my Scattante bicycle cycling bike in Brooklyn and found myself behind this person:


There are some safety-minded cyclists who would be bothered that he is not wearing a helment:


I am not one of those cyclists.  However, I am still safety-minded, and indeed I'd argue that because I'm not preoccupied with helments I am able to hone in on far more serious omissions, such as the complete absence of brake pads:


(Air brakes.)

I guess it was either the $10 brake pads or the $150 Chrome bag and he opted for the latter.  Given the state of the economy, who can blame him?  I can't wait for Mitt Romney to fix this damn country so people can afford to start stopping again.

Of course, everybody has a different approach to safety, and it's largely determined by how you answer this question:


For example, some people ask themselves, "What would happen if I didn't use brake pads?" and then just decide, "Ah, fuck it."  Other people ask themselves, "What would happen if I fell on my head?," figure it's better to land on foam than pavement, and so they wear a helment hat.  And still other people ask themselves, "What would happen if I used brake pads and a helment and I fell on my head but my helment was unable to place a phone call for me?," and for them there's the ICEdot crash sensor:




That's about 10,000 pairs of brake pads.

The inventors of the ICEdot recently emailed me about their product, and basically what happens is you fall on your head, your head calls your cellphone, and if you don't press the button in a certain amount of time your cellphone calls someone who can help you:


Or, if you prefer, it's the Fredly equivalent of this:


Depending on where you fall on the "What would happen?" spectrum this may or may not appeal to you.  Certainly anything that has the potential to save a life has value.  At the same time we all have a different threshold for the extent to which we're willing to be "wired" during a bike ride, and I confess that this one falls far beyond mine.  Still, I suppose I have a weak threshold, because I also refuse to use Strava, mostly because the "How it Works" diagram on their website makes no sense to me:


I'm fine with number one, which is grabbing a phone, because I do always carry a phone.  (It's a rotary wall phone, I keep it in my giant messenger bag.)  I'm also more than fine with number two, which is going out for a ride, because I do really like going out for rides.  However, it's number three--viewing my ride afterwards--where to my mind the whole system falls apart.  See, here's a little secret: if you skip number three, you can actually spend more time doing number two.  (By the way, you can also spend more time doing number two if you replace number three with eating an "epic" burrito.)  Why essentially just cut your ride short so you can look at it in the form of red lines on a map?  I thought the riding was the point.

I guess it's the same impulse that compels people to film themselves during the act of onanism, which could be why the map in number three looks suspiciously like a penis:
Though not as much like a penis as this one does:



I have posted this ride before but I feel it bears mentioning again, especially since the creator only has the second-fastest time on one of the sections:

That must be one hotly-contested penis.

Of course, all this safety is for naught if nobody can see you, which is why you can also get high-visibility clothing--and nobody loves high-visibility clothing as much as British people, as I learned during my visits to London, and which this article and video forwarded to me by a reader proves:


I was particularly intrigued by the fake police vest that says "polite:"

Apparently it backfired when the writer had a bottle thrown at him because people hate the police.  It would probably also backfire in America since here saying you're polite is another way of saying "Run me the fuck over."  Still, I suppose it's safer than riding a bike made from melting cheese balls, as forwarded by another reader:


It's perfect for your next gran fondue.

137 comments:

Comment deleted said...

Optimistically stocking up on Q-Tips and lube…

Anonymous said...

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. (ZOD)

P. Bateman said...

podium suckers.

le Correcteur said...

podium

P. Bateman said...

i meant, podium, suckers.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Just missed the podium!

McFly said...

Yo Duders...

le Correcteur said...

Damn! Not podium, and unread!

Anonymous said...

Comment deleted will ultimately be found out. (ZOD)

theEel said...

weed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

top 10

Anonymous said...

You all enjoyed that post I'm sure. (ZOD)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Squeezed out by the Eel!

Comment deleted said...

Eel before Zod?

McFly said...

6 months, huh? So THAT'S why they rub their legs together everynight and do the mating call thing. They have to compile all sexual activity of their entire existence into 6 months. I tried rubbing my legs together like that one time but my weiner got tucked back and I ended up looking like the Buffalo Guy on Silence of the Sheeps.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Snob. I like the "Polite" vest {or is that a jacket]! I would certainly wear one. But then, I also have actual brake pads on my brake hardware.

Anonymous said...

A yellow vest just gives the Escalade drivers something to aim at.

Anonymous said...

ho hum

Anonymous said...

How long did it take you decide on "Run me the fuck over." versus the more pedantic "Just fucking run me over."?

Did you even consider the spondee "Run me, the fuck. Over."

Probably not.

2wheeler said...

impossible!

Anonymous said...

Top XX and I read it.
Oh Fuck it's snowing outside.

babble on said...

Help! I've fallen and I can't afford to start stopping!

P. Bateman said...

just for fun i read the oldest post while waiting for today's. its funny to compare and contrast. i do miss some of the more angry rants over people's stupid craigslist ads, but also appreciate the replacement in the way of kickstarter ranting. they are both good, just different.

rigtenzin said...

I read this blog for dope talk. I'm disappointed today.

Comment deleted said...

Salman Rushdie is a very brave man, dressing that conspicuously.

Anonymous said...

Of course it's a melting cheese bike. It's from Wisconsin. Not exactly a hot and balmy place, but certainly not mountainous, either.

Buffalo Bill said...

'Run me the fuck over' is decidedly impolite. A proper request would be something like 'run me the fuck over, please'

RANTWICK said...

What about my fuckin' photo contest, huh? HUH?

babble on said...

Mmmm... cheeze balls and throbbing hunks of photographic excellence...

I love it when you talk dirty.

singlespeedwaster said...

Balling my cheese in or near the top 30

Anonymous said...

DOPE TALK

Marcel Da Chump said...

Would what happen...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I read this blog to see pictures of the naked recumbent chick. Today I'm not disappointed.

McFly said...

You insensitive Bastard. Is that some sort of sick joke because the modular emergency vehicle says "Lance" on the side of it and that's him on the stretcher because his career is now dying/dead. It's funny. You're a funny fuck.

rural 14 said...

1st ant 2nd!
Emmentalter?

RANTWICK said...

Gran Fondue? You are above such puns, surely. Wait, nevermind. I'm just being pissy.

grog said...

Hoo needs breaks?
All they do is slo ya down.
Oh Babe.

babble on said...

sweet sweet babe... :)

Angry Lizard said...

I'm surprised Lance Armstrong hasn't sued somebody yet.

An door with only the "lance" part on it?

A yellow and black bike?

Come on!

Anonymous said...

"I'm also more than fine with number two"

Angry Lizard said...

You're right, McFly.

His career is TOAST.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

My dog wishes to protest the discriminatory contest theme of The Bicycle and Mankind.

He says the organizers will be hearing from his attorneys.

(I wouldn't worry. Sure his attorneys chase ambulances. But they've never caught one and they still haven't figured out that whole fake throwing the ball thing.)

mikeweb said...

McFly @ 1:33,

Very observant.

Coincidentally, wasn't throbbing hunk of photographic excellence the motto for Playgirl magazine? Do they still even publish Playgirl? Frilly? Babble?

yankers smuck said...

A proper request would be something like 'run me the fuck over, please'

My dear sirs, good evening. Would it trouble you terribly to perhaps runneth me the fuck over? Much appreciation. sincerely, third duke of dingleberryshire.

fhfr436 said...

I think that's Captain Kangaroo at the back of the Playmobil ambulance!

fhfr436 said...

I think that's Captain Kangaroo at the back of the Playmobil ambulance!

Anonymous said...

I was crushing some loops this morning in central park. You may have heard of this park, it's the park in the center of the city that is the center of the universe. Anywho, it was an extra pleasant experience because this week the DOT finally closed one of the two lanes of traffic and made it a bike lane. Better late than never, big ups to Janette Sadik Khan and all of the little Kahns at the DOT for doing something truly balsy that will make a huge difference to the people who actually use the park for recreation as opposed to those who use it as a speedway. On my ride to work later in the morning through the park there was a long line of traffic backed up given the removal of one lane, needless to say some drivers decided to use the bike lane anyway...baby steps.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Been lusting after that alluring ride and smell of titanium? Not got enough scratch for the budnitz? Schlep on over to fleabay and put a bid on this old Dean Slap some bits on it from your parts bin and if you do it right not even a creak.

That's what I did a few years ago when I picked up a closeout ti frame with no stickers for dirt cheap. Been happy as a clam ever since.

leroy said...

Rantwick --

My dog wishes to protest the discriminatory theme of your contest involving fall foliage because the trees have yet to turn in Brooklyn.

You will be hearing from his attorneys.

(I wouldn't worry. They're just peeved because they've been lifting their legs on a certain tree for the past few weeks hoping to hasten leaf turning and still have nothing to show for it. I don't have the heart to tell them it's an evergreen.)

frilly said...

Sure Snob I'll suck your cheese balls. I hope at least one is Havarti. That's my favorite.

Anonymous said...

Ron Burgundy: "You've got a dirty whorish mouth."

Chia Thug said...

No brakes.

Yea man but hey, YOLO bitches.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Recumbent Conspiracy Theorist,

Anybody can see that frame has not been properly Budnitzed. Not worth the safety risk.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Oh yeah, you're right no disc tabs either.

t said...

Ewwww ... domestic cheddar.

babble on said...

Havarti is good, and Gouda, too.

cheddar IS rather dull, but it will do.

Just be sure when you're sucking on cheese balls

that you stay well away from the BLUE.

Anonymous said...

WCRM you did such a fine job with your cockpit contest, maybe the Italians will let you judge their photo contest.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

No Brake(pad)s!

Sorry, won't fit on your knuckles.

Friendo said...

NUMB ER2!
DICK RIDE
HOTP ENIS

Anonymous said...

The Dodgy area stayed true to form.

Billy said...

Police vest wouldn't help much in Boston. Doesn't stop the cops from getting doored, run over, or from salmoning, running red lights, and jumping curbs (just like the cop cars!).

Anonymous said...

For the love of Gawd, will someone please put Mcfly and Babble on (Babylon?)in the same room for the 12 seconds it will take him to dissapoint the fuck out of her sexually.
Then maybe we can get past all of this chronic jagoff middle school inuendo.
It starts off as embarrassing - and it's a downhill run from there.

Comment deleted said...

Anon 4:07; yes, you are right. We need to leave more room in the comments for brilliant, incisive, auto-colonoscopic critiques like yours.

Champ Kind said...

I would like to take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and NEVER CALL HER AGAIN!

Wes Mantooth said...

DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT DOROTHY MANTOOTH! THAT WOMAN IS A SAINT!

JB said...

Invisible brake pads: OMG, HE'S FROM THE FUTURE.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

JB is right. That guy's using some kind of tractor beam technology.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:07, that would work except for the fact that McFly is actually a 14 year old boy.

Anonymous said...

...and a virgin, I might add...

Pharoh Tridorkus Testostomosis said...

Speaking of penisez ...

Mine told me to vote for the ultra hot green party babe ...

plus green is the color of me favorite herb!

Jeffery Dahmer II said...

Is it still illegal to eat human derived sweet breads on Sunday in the Bronx?

babble on said...

Anon @ 4:07. Who peed in your cornflakes?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

Dear Jeffrey - Yes, unless you're a member of New York's finest.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Popcorn is also good for more number two.

RCT; that Dean is kinda tempting for the price, but I'd need it in a 21". When I see them in the size I want, they're always going for too high a price. The story of my life.

Fred Nifacent said...

If your going to Philly, should that be Cheez Whiz? Yummy with onions & fried boivine musculature.

Anonymous said...

@ Babble: Anon 4:07 is indirectly paying you a compliment and dissing McFly. You do seem to have an itch that you can't probably scratch due to the direction of most of your posts though...

McFly said...

The Shimano Hollowtech II, as fine as it may be, is no match for the BB30 mated to a FSA Gossamer crankset. Discuss. Talk amongst yourselves. I'm forclempt. Sex.

Michael Scott said...

When I see them in the size I want, they're always going for too high a price. The story of my life.

That's what she said!

Comment deleted said...

Anon 4:50; I quite agree. All women who admit to liking sex are nymphomaniacs.

McFly said...

The Lance/Ambulance thing was pretty insightful. I got that going for me.

JB said...

Which is nice.

Dooth said...

A worse omission than brake pads:
no socks in those Chucks!
P.U !

An even more egregious error:
pigeon-toed pedaling!

crosspalms said...

anon 4:07
First time on the Internet?

McFly said...

Thats one of the neat things about the interwebs and espceially the comments is that don't read them.

velobotomy said...

Reminds me of the hapless fellow who kicked Leroy's dog a couple weeks ago. Bad spondee.

babble on said...

anon@ 4:50 - Though it would appear so, my needs are remarkably well met, and all of my itches perfectly scratched, thanks. I am on a mission, however, to diligently spread the good word, and make the world a better place. :)

Seems like anon@ 4:07 could do with getting some, though...

frilly said...

Easy Anon 4:07. I too *heart* McFly. He's just got that certain je na sais quois. Too unfortunate that not everyone is so blessed.

jellyfishsalad71 said...

The lack of brake pads is possibly something to do with the fact hes put a 700c wheel on a frame built for 27 inch wheels. (i'm guessing the 1970s centre pull brake levers are indicative of 27 inch wheeled bike.) i tried retrofitting an old 27 incher with a 700c alloy wheel and the pads didnt reach so i relented and put the old 27 inch steel wheels back on. Although there you go i could have just removed the pads and been done with it! Presumably he has left a 27 inch wheel on the front so he can actually stop?

jellyfishsalad71 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

Anyways if Babble and I were going at it hot and heavy and her skittle-maker got worked into a warm, moist lather I would totally last way longer than 14.....well I be damned.

Mr. Schweaty said...

Careful sucking on them cheeseballs Frilly, some are alot bigger than other one. Just got to work it down I guess.

Anonymous said...

En lieu of brake pads, lasso parking meter or other convenient fixed object with Chrome bag.

Anonymous said...

Melting cheese balls related story:

Just got back frim an EPIC RIDE out to Marin French Cheese. Grabbed the uje, beer, baguette, jalepeno spread, and a triple cream brie. Chick running the register says that it's special price today; $20 for EIGHT brie rounds!!! So I ate almost an entire round, then struggled home with 7 rounds of brie in my flannel shirt. That, my friends is hot sweaty cheese. It is also about $104 worth of brie. Guess what's for dinner?

leroy said...

(98) Say

leroy said...

(99) Cheese

leroy said...

(100) Balls.

leroy said...

(101) (TM)

McFly said...

Cheese Balls.

McFly said...

I have to say Babble stated her mission clearly and straight-forward from the get go. She believes in the healing power of love(sex) and thinks if everyone had more love(sex) in their lives they would behold its amazement and there spread more love(sex) around other people that need it. And by Lob I love(sex) her for it.

Comment deleted said...

Right on, McFly (you filthy horndog).

babble on said...

:*)

straight up

Blog Drafter said...

Good Gondwanaland! Would someone put Frilly, Anon @ 1:30, Fritz the Cat, Anon @ 4:07, Lance Armstrong, Leroy, Leroy's dog, Roy Rogers, Trigger, and Comment Deleted in a room together for the love of Lob, please. We won't give them a time limit or anything like that but, man, alert the geneticists when they spill out.

Anonymous said...

There has not been a comment of the day in a while. Crosspalms@5:14...come recieve your award.

Blog Drafter said...

For the love of humanity would someone put Giuseppe Verdi, Ant1st, the Gold Snobby Gold guy, Mikeweb, babble on, the Snobber hisself, a quart of cream cheese, a couple moon rocks, and a pony in a room together, PLEASE!!! (They won't want to come out, ever.)

Anonymous said...

For the love of Lob will someone please put Frilly, Frillys knickers, Babble On, some jello, Frillys RUMP BUMP(tm), Recumbabe, The Stradalli Model(The one with the nice breasts) and BIKES GONE WILD!! in a room together.


Visitation is at Mount Talampias Funeral Home on Friday from 4-6 pm. The Funeral will be RSVP.

Anonymous said...

It's been a while since we had bike-related debate. Sex.

Cycling Advocate/ Satirist said...

Meanwhile...It's been sex since we had bike-related debate...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Good Lord, would somebody put me to bed already.

annonymoose said...

Spillin' seed.

Anonymous said...

The details of Lego set are truly admirable: notice the absence of the car and driver, denoting the oh-so-typical hit and run scene.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bike Snob, if you want to really gain crediblity with people who have more to write than "podium, pussy, or weed, you have to address bicycling problems intelligently. Some motorists hate cyclists but no motorists want to kill them. Rabid cyclists want it all: to ride where they want when it suits them. Side walk, bike lane, street. The battle rages on; just make sure you are on the right side. If you haven't watched it, check out "the Fisher King." It is very insightful.

Anonymous said...

Lego crotchless panties

Organizer nyc said...

It was nice reading this blog. Must have had lot of fun!!! Thanks for sharing.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:58am,

Some guy wrote a book called "The Enlightened Cyclist" which may be more to your liking.

Never read it but it has a pretty blue cover.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

The brownish one was more better.

Cipo's Monkey said...

Top O the heep as 1-119 are EPO'd off the podium.

JB said...

I just figured out that brie is $13/round. /word problem

McFly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

Who is Brie? You got some contact info? Thats well within my price range,.

JB said...

Be prepared for a tough rind though.

McFly said...

You just had to make it sexual. I am going to make a concerted effort to not make any sexually charged comments for one week. Staring......now.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ha Ha Ha good one McFly!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey McFly you might put this blog in your reader. Return Of The Cafe Racers Every Friday is Motorcycle Girl Friday!

J said...

You can never go without a good bag; sacrificing brakes pads is very understandable in nyc.

McFly said...

I...........will.........check..........it............o....u....t.

Made it. That's one.

brake for love said...

That crash sensor would ring constantly in New York traffic.

82medici said...

@ babble, 5;49:

Spread what?

greenpinkblue said...

I can't wait 'till the ICEdot crash sensor is developed! If something like this were to catch on the public wouldn't have to worry about pesky fallen cyclists clogging up their streets because their healment would call the ambulance to efficiently sweep them off the pavement. You'd have to be some sort of moron to ride without that kind of safeguard!

Anonymous said...

The plural of "Lego" is "Lego".

Professional organizer nyc said...

Informative post. Thanks for sharing

Professional organizer nyc said...

Informative post. Thanks for sharing

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