Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Inversion: Putting the "M" in "Wednesday"


(Woke up on the fire escape again, poured myself a bowl of Froot Loops, put my feet in it to cool my bunions, fired up the old computer, and saw this.)

I'm so ufcked.

Actually, I'm not ufcked at all.  You're ufcked.  That's because as of this morning I had already received something like a hundred entries into the Free Folding Boing-Boing Bike Competition and more continue to come in, and the reason you're ufcked is that there's no way I can handle that sort of workload.  Instead, I'll probably be completely lazy about judging the contest like I am about everything else in my life (I've been using the same Brita filter since 1992, which has gotten so nasty I just drink out of the terlet), and whoever wins the bike probably won't deserve it.

Just to give you a sense of the size of the responsibility of work I'm about to shirk, here's just one entry (and I just assume anybody who has entered the contest assumed that their email might eventually be published on the Internet) and as you can see there is a lot to consider:


Hi, Bikesnob,

My name is Alex Smith and I live in the Skagit Valley of Washington State. I recently gave up living and working in downtown Seattle to move out into the county and farm (www.AlkiFarms.com). I don't have a TV, so I guess my favorite TV show is the Simpsons, although I haven't seen a new episode in years and I hear it sucks now. 

When I lived in Seattle, I got my bike (a fixed gear that I built mostly from donated parts) stolen from my workplace, and this is how it happened: I walked into the building with my bike, since we had a bike locker indoors, but instead of putting my bike inside the locker I went to change and left my bike leaned up against the wall. This was my standard practice, since our receptionist was about 30 feet away. From what I understand, 2 men came in and asked the receptionist for applications while I was changing, and when I came back to lock up my bike, it was gone and so were the two men who asked for applications. I learned at that moment that people are generally assholes and shouldn't be trusted. And that it is always a good idea to lock up your bike, even in a building with security guards (security guards are, after all, people.) 

I need a folding bike because, living in the county, I wind up driving a lot and on varied terrain for anywhere from 3-15 miles at a time. A folding bike would be perfect because it stores and locks well, and clearly I can't trust my bike to lean against a wall for 5 minutes in any environment.

If and when I receive this bike, I will continue doing what I am now, which is farming on a small scale and working to break our dependence on fossil fuels for food production. Even if I don't get this bike I will continue to do this, but I think that my daily trips to our farm will do more to help humanity than another person's daily trips to their job at Starbucks.

PS September 15 is my birthday, so this would be a killer present.

PPS Not to be a beggar and a chooser, but I do not currently own a helment, so if there is any way you could include one with my free gift, it would be greatly appreciated.


I'm afraid it's highly unlikely that Alex Smith will win the bike.  In his (I'm just assuming Alex is a "his" because I'm a phallocentric genderist, though I suppose Alex could just as easily be a "her," and now you're starting to see why judging a contest is so hard) favor are the following:

--He has the courage to quit his job and follow his dreams;
--He seems to have learned from his experience;
--He admits to driving a car, unlike that liar David Byrne who drives his Hyunai Sonata while wearing a fake mustache;
--It's almost his birthday which would give this contest what we in the bicycle marketing industry like to call "synergy."

Unfortunately he also receives a number of demerits for the following reasons:

--The "Skagit Valley" is clearly a made-up place that does not exist, like "Candyland" or "Boulder;"
--He doesn't own a TV or display sufficient respect for the medium;
--He doesn't attempt to overcome his unfortunate lack of TV ownership by watching TV shows on his computer (it is 2012 after all);
--He seems to think he's more important than someone who works at Starbucks, even though the Starbucks employee may use his or her job as a springboard to something far more important to humanity than farming, like curing cancer or producing a really good TV show;
--He got greedy and asked for a free helment.

Therefore I may have to move this one into the "Too Smug" folder and move on.  This should in no way discourage Alex Smith from his noble endeavors, nor should it dissuade anyone else from entering.  It's merely a glimpse into what a fickle douchebag I am, if that was ever in doubt, which of course it wasn't.

Further gratuitous evidence that I'm a douchebag is that yesterday when I should have been reading contest submissions with my bunions in a bowl of Froot Loops (doctor's orders) I was instead engaged in the pursuit of semi-recreational bicycle cycling.  It wasn't all frivolous though, because I did manage to capture a unicyclist on "film" as he exited the Manhattan Bridge into Manhattan:



Before you criticize me for failing to hold my smarting phone horizontally, I should point out that I am an Artist, and as an Artist I render the world as I see it.  And I see the world through the eyes of a lonely and frightened little child peering at it from between the slats of a fence, which is why I film it with the smarting phone held vertically.  It's also the psychological explanation ast to why I'm a giant douchebag.

Additionally, it's worth noting that the unicyclist actually manages to drop me going through the turn, and there is perhaps no greater sign that you suck at cycling than being out-cornered by a unicyclist.  (Though in my defense I was doing my best not to crash into somebody while riding with a smarting phone in front of my face, even though the ensuing video would have been HILARIOUS.)

Anyway, as I rode I thought about cycling, which is not surprising because that's what I was doing at the time.  I also thought about red lights and whether or not I should stop at them.  For me, there are four (4) categories of red lights:

1) The kind you'd be an idiot to run because if you do you'll almost certainly die;
2) The kind you'd be an asshole to run because pedestrians need to cross;
3) The kind you feel like an utter schmuck for waiting at because there is absolutely no danger, you're not inconveniencing anybody, and even elderly people on nearby park benches are imploring you to "Just go, wussbag;"
4) The kind you're forced to run because it's actually more dangerous to wait for the green.  (Yes, these exist.)

Of all of these, the #3 type is probably the most vexing, especially when the NYPD is doing one of its trademark "crackdowns," since those are the ones they seem to enjoy enforcing the most.  At least there's a little "street cred" in getting a ticket while running a light of the #1 type, whereas when you get fined hundreds of dollars for slowly rolling through a #3 light you feel the way you do after you open your wallet after a night of heavy drinking or you pay to see a John Travolta movie.

In any case, when there's a crackdown in the air I do make a point of waiting at #3 lights (or at least checking carefully to make sure it's not a trap), though I do feel like sort of a sucker for doing it when even the police ride isn't stopping:


The above light was halfway between a #2 and a #3, and according to their jerseys the riders in blue were police.  (You probably noted the date yesterday, and I'm guessing it was a memorial ride of some kind.)  In a great show of solidarity with their cause and respect for the law I came to a smooth stop and waited for them to join me, at which point I planned to give them a fraternal nod and bask in their approval of my law-abiding ways.  Instead, they ignored both me and the red, which made me feel like a total sap.  Then an elderly lady on a bench called me a "Wussbag," and so I ran the light too and was back on my way.

Of course, even a recreational ride has a "purpose," and most of us set out with some sort of destination or goal in mind.  Maybe it's some panorama we want to admire, or some mighty climb we want to conquer.  As for my ride, the purpose was to stand at this intersection and giggle for a solid 45 minutes, and that's exactly what I did:


Goals, schmoals.  Suck on that, Strava.

It's also important to include some "bike porn" in a ride report, and so I invite you to salivate over my mighty spacer stack:


(Believe it or not that isn't my seatpost.)

And my subtly "kludgy" derailleur:


(A braze-on-to-clamp-on adapter and a clamp shim.  It's like wearing platform shoes with lifts.)

Also note that the derialleur is properly dirty.  A lot of novice cyclists think you're supposed to clean your bike, which is exactly what makes them novices.  Any experienced cyclist knows a coating of crust forms a protective layer over components and can extend their service life tenfold, whereas constantly cleaning stuff just wears it out.  Consider that Werner Herzog movie, "Cave of Forgotten Dreams:"


The cave paintings in that movie are like 30,000 years old and look like they were painted yesterday, precisely because they were totally neglected.  You think they'd look like that if some Frederick were down there every week hosing them down with a pressure washer?  Nope.  They'd be "upgraded" and made of crabon fribé by now.

Speaking of prehistoric man, by using DNA evidence scientists have been able to create a portrait of the man who made the above painting, and it turns out he looked like this:


(Primitive man in crude sealskin loincloth.)

Though you may know him as the Pissei bib shorts model, as forwarded to me by The Mighty Joachim:


Also, art historians now believe at least some of those cave paintings may represent the world's first "collabos:"


In the ensuing years, this primitive form of man eventually became extinct, though some theories hold that they merely intermarried with homo sapiens sapiens:


We may never know.

104 comments:

velobotomy said...

Podium?

rocky said...

boosh

velobotomy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

yes

cycle

Anonymous said...

due to the deletion - podium baby

cycle

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Sex?

theEel said...

WEdnEsDay!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW I EMAILED THE ROCK MACHINE 25 TIMES!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten

Serial Retrogrouch said...

diez nuts

Comment deleted said...

No, I'm sorry. Clearly the third spot on the podium belongs to me.

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty and I read it! If I hadn't I'd have made top ten!

Late and a little sketchy today, hence pressed for time, WRM?

McFly said...

How did you get more than 6 replies?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

seaman cummings... giggle giggle.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Quality content like this keeps me cumming back day after day.

babble on said...

If you're shirking work, probably best you do it giggling on the corner of Seaman and Cummings.

I ought to be standing there now...

JB said...

Let's see the neanderthal hanger-on in the bib shorts! Who's with me! I'll settle for a recumbabe tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

So Snob, I notice you are rocking some Ruffy Tuffy tread on your bike. How long before the bike becomes a Rivendell?

babble on said...

Poor Snobbikins.

It's gotta be tough being a semi-pro blogger. Writing down all those words from inside your head must leave you absolutely exhaustipated.

(too tired to give a shit)

OBA said...

Pissei bibs? Did they run out of Crappe shorts?

Jefe said...

Sounds like I will lose the contest, based upon smugness, or some other arbitrary criteria.

Hairy-Legged Roadie said...

Someone should tell the Pissei model that Bay City Roller hair AND a beard is like wearing platform shoes with lifts.

Billy said...

VERT VIDS
JIZZ CRNR
WUSS BAGS

Captain Hardbread said...

Wussbag!

Anonymous said...

Italian bicycle craftsmanship is truly unparalleled. You can tell by the employment of the channel-locks, the most versatile tool ever. They don't call it a Puerto Rican socket set for no reason.

Anonymous said...

I think you should award the loser of your contest the bike. that thing is heinous.



JD0g said...

Narrow world view?
always take landscapes, ugh

singlespeedwaster said...

Bakfiets! That's some good spondee.

RANTWICK said...

See what you get for writing funny stuff every day for like, years? Can Vito help?

McFly said...

morebibassistantorIMAFUCKINKILLYA


Seriously...she has what is known in certain circles as "that dirty girl look", I have seen it before. She needs to be wearing a T-shirt that says BAD IDEA.

Anonymous said...

In my mind, I'm TOP TEN.

Mario said...

Re: bike contest. Have you seen how much that bitch weighs? Whose dumbass idea was it to create a 40lb bike that's foldable? If the average American carries it more than 10 feet, he or she will die. I guess it's fine if you're a beefy Dane but that shit ain't gonna work here so I fear their "promo" is going to backfire.

I am a happy engine said...

http://www.amazon.com/Giordana-Womens-Silverline-Cycling-Shorts/dp/B00502TZ40

If I am forced to see bib shorts, they better look like this.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Of course, Seaman and Cumming are part of the inWOOD section of MANhattan.

Anonymous said...

@I Am A Happy Engine

Q: what does a cyclist "motorboating" sounds like?

A: Bibibibibibibibibibibibibibibib

Anonymous said...

I smiled at "wussbag" but I did not laugh.

Blogging while not glowing?

Are you waiting for a knock at the door today?

Vegas said...

Wearing bib shorts, so easy a caveman can do it.
Ufcking up contests, so easy a Rock Machine can do it.

I do approve of the verticalway of the vid, considering the heighthitude of a unicyclist. That's not art, that's just smart.

Jason B said...

An intrepid fellow raced in the Nation's Triathlon in Washington DC Sunday on one of the city's Bikeshare bikes.

Though his motives were good (fitness, supporting a charity) he was stopped by course officials and was almost certainly derided by "real" triathletes.

http://twitter.yfrog.com/od4kjqcj
http://dcist.com/2012/09/to_the_triathlete_who_used_a_capita.php
http://dcist.com/2012/09/if_i_said_it_was_a_breeze_id_be_a_l.php

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous Coward said...

that After Bike Sweather will go nice with one's helment.

Anonymous said...

well one thing's for sure, Tilford has never offered to give me a goddamn thing.

JB said...

@anon @ 1:04pm: The program, get with it.

mikeweb said...

I only go through #3 and #4 red lights. Not like those #1-ants and those #2-heads.

Shecky Cipo said...

This secret agent movie star stuff is not what it is cracked up to be. I'm so physically drained I can only do 99 'no hands' pushups (cymbal splash) ...

I used to be able to do 100! (rimshot)!

Anonymous said...

Dropped by the guy on a uni (and it was even just a 29")

leroy said...

All morning long my dog has been singing:

"Biek me up before you go go,
Don't leave me riding a foldy solo."

I have no idea what that's about.

Oh well, it's not as bad as when he used to scoot on the carpet and tell me that was how he had to stop since we had his gear fixed.

Anonymous said...

Mario - my pre-conversion raleigh folding bike is about that heavy - a tank. I heard they make fine boat anchors.

cycle michael

Anonymous said...

Happy Engine,
The hand Bra is my favorite bra. I like it when dumb girls wear them. "Hey Miss your fly is undone(She reaches for fly)", "niiiiiiiiiccccccceeeee"

Anonymous said...

If in you all had one of them electrontic TV cameras strapped to your head (like you've been making fun of) you could get TV pictures of folks on unicycles just by looking them.

Anonymous said...

I'm at the corner of seaman and cumming!!!

I lol'd.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Inwood, WRM!

I'm non-plussed to think you were in my 'hood.

NON-PLUSSED really *is* good spondee, btw.

Peter McGill said...

Notice the douchebag runner on the bike path at the light. Nothing drives me insaner faster than dealing with this breed of slowpoke lane blocking ahole.

Comment deleted said...

Leroy, your dog is in rare form today.

Buffalo Bill said...

Oh man, I need a haircut.

Rocket Scientist Cipo said...

And the formula for thrust is ...



F = lm(dot) ve + ( pe - pa ) Ae

Dooth said...

You couldn't possibly ride up to Inwood without continuing on to Riverdale.

Dooth said...

You couldn't possibly ride up to Inwood without continuing on to Riverdale.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Peter. doncha just HATE it when you're having, like an epic bike path ride, well on your way to a new PR, maybe even a contender for the Pathlete Diatrict Championships, and some path-hogging DOUCHEBAG gets in your way?

Anonymous said...

Hey gang! I've found a picture of Paris Hilton surrounded by semen but it's perfectly safe for work:
http://i.imgur.com/vf1bm.jpg

Dooth said...

Oh! For fucks sake!

Rocket Sceintist Cipo said...

F = lm(dot) ve + ( pe - pa ) Ae ...

the results measured in intragalactic mega cipos

babble on said...

erm...

Just waiting on a court date for a red light #3 infraction type ticketway.

$168.00!

I stopped. I looked. I left.

Motorcycle cop was lying in wait behind a bush. Sneaky bastard.

JDH said...

Primitive man be one photoshopped muthah...shut'cho mouth! just talkin' 'bout primitive man!

Anonymous said...

Snicker, snicker... Babble on said "bush."

Anonymous said...

Unicycles are the new fixie. You heard it here first.

Anonymous said...

"I learned at that moment that people are generally assholes and shouldn't be trusted."

I like the cut of that man's jib. What's his name again. . .

Jan! said...

It's hard to tell from the picture, but was there a traffic light on your side of the bicycle path, too?

Back here in Belgium, traffic lights only apply to road users to the left of it. I.e., they should be placed to your right.

I tried Googling for a similar requirement in the New York state traffic laws, but could not find any. Doesn't that mean there is constant ambiguity? Are you supposed to obey all traffic lights within visible range?

Anonymous said...

There is NO FREAKIN' WAY Babble has anything even remotely bush-related. She is a Turkish bath kind of good time. It's bare. Bare with no hair. So you stare. Do you dare? It's so rare. Tongue it with care. And reckless abandon.

Mario's Albino Tadpole said...

Common ya big creepy a-hole.. give the poor kid the bike and the helmet... and throw in a Kogg for good measure..

being the immaculate douch-gag of blogging you should ride it personally out to him.. in fact, I envision you gathering sort of a fredly cult, wheel-sucking you the whole way, ala Forest Gump and his cross country run..

It will be known as the great Fred Migration of 2012... The only problem is that the entire northwest may implode when all those Freds meet all those Smug filled liberal jackasses.. sort of like matter and anti-matter when they finally meet..

Mitch said...

http://www.pissei.com/public/rain_01_fronte_small.jpg

Anonymous said...

http://www.pissei.com/public/rain_01_fronte_small.jpg

babble on said...

Jan!

'Obey' is a very strong word....

Lights are kind of like a set of instructions- they're just the manufacturer's recommendations.

(Says the girl awaiting her day in court.)

babble on said...

Anon & Anon

bushy or bare, bushy or bare

who dares to tell?

JB said...

Babble, could you be Commie Canuck's alter ego? Hmmm...

Let's get to it: pics of bush or lack thereof. Pic should include "Snobby" written somewhere interesting.

frilly said...

Loving the irony of Neanderthal man having a shit ton of hair on his head and face, but yet appears to have clean shaven arms, legs, chest, & lob only knows what else.

frilly said...

On second look, he does have some arm hair. Not much though, all things considered.

babble on said...

He's bushy AND bare!

McFly said...

Not just ANY woman can go bald. You need a specific...um.....ste-up. Yeah, that's it. Set-up.

frilly said...

Exactly Babble!

mohit said...

What A Witch Can Do
Do you have any idea what a witch can do when it comes to you on a dark lonely night? See the cartoon animated Maruti video for more details- http://bit.ly/BoyandtheWitch

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