Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Pod People: Infiltrating the World of the Cars

In yesterday's post, I complained about how difficult it can be to tell Australia from New Zealand.  Fortunately though, a commenter--this commenter, to be precise:


--was kind enough to provide an image that underscores the fundamental difference between the two countries:


I think I understand it now, though I still can't tell their flags apart.

Also in yesterday's post, I mentioned bicycle theft and "personalizing" your bike to make it more recognizable in the event that it should go on permanent loan.  Well, even more "proactive" than personalization is "uglification," the idea being that if you make your bike unattractive enough that nobody will bother taking it in the first place.  Now, I'm not sure how effective uglification actually is, but if you're considering it here's a video I recently received from a reader that documents the process:



There's a fine line between cunning and idiocy, and this person appears to have passed it about five cans of spraypaint ago.  What is the point of buying a brand-new bike, spending an additional hundred dollars on paints and sundries (not to mention foodstuffs), and then ruining the bike, when you can just go to Craigslist and buy an ugly piece of crap that costs less than your "uglification kit?"  Sure, I suppose there's the knowledge that underneath all that lacquer and chocolate there's a pristine bicycle, but this raises a philosophical question: Is there really a difference between something that looks like it's rusty and something that's actually rusty?  And it's probably not even worth pointing out that his bike is aluminum, which means it wouldn't rust like this in the first place:


In any case, despite putting in all that work he's only succeeded in making the bike more appealing, since to the "doucherati" it now has what they like to call a "patina."  Patina lends precious objects an air of authenticity.  That's why you'll see intentionally tarnished custom bicycles at NAHBS, or full sleeve tattoos with nautical motifs on recent liberal arts college graduates in Brooklyn.

Anyway, that bike looks delicious, and I guess if it gets stolen you can always follow the trail of ants--though I still have yet to see a theft deterrent more effective than this:


Even the most desperate thief wouldn't go anywhere near this bike, and if your religious beliefs preclude your using a prophylactic then I'd imagine a tidy pile of feces on the saddle would work just as well.

Of course, another problem with uglifying your bike is that if you're not thorough enough a single rain shower could be enough to clean the whole thing up.  Then again, as the saying goes, "If it rains take the bus."  Or, if you want to stay dry but you don't want to take the bus because you're afraid you might find an unfurled prophylactic on the seat, you can always take the velomobile, as in this video that was forwarded to me by another reader:



"When I take this out in the morning rush hour, this amazing phenomenon occurs where people think of me as one of them.  I'm a little car!," explains the suppository driver exuberantly.  This exuberance disturbed me, since it implies that the loftiest goal an American can have is to be accepted as an automobile.  Then he goes on to explain, "I'm kind of a car because they don't know I'm pedaling underneath." For years, I've struggled to understand why so many drivers seem to hate cyclists.  Is it our smugness?  Are they jealous of us?  Do they secretly envy our freakish quads?  Finally, I have the answer--it's the simple act of pedaling that so enrages them!  Hide that and you're finally One Of Them.  (This innate aversion to pedaling could also explain why contraptions like the ElliptiGO are so popular.)

Nevertheless, I gradually found myself warming to Captain Suppository, and I especially enjoyed when he went into full "turtle mode:"


(He's just a pair of disembodied sunglasses at this point.)

Scoff if you will, but this is what will come of mandatory helment laws.  First they force you to wear regular ones, then they force you to wear full-face ones, then they force you to ride inside of a gigantic full-body one, and before you know it America's cyclists all look like great big rolling time trial helments:

(In a few years this will be you.)

So is this how the bicycle will finally infiltrate the American suburbs?  I don't know, but I do know that the velomobile does reveal a great deal about human nature as well as our national character.  For example, consider this video, in which a Canadian pessary pilot is pulled over by the police:



The officer's reaction to this unfamiliar contraption that looks like it either comes from outer space or is a leftover prop from Woody Allen's "The Sleeper" takes the following path:

1) Confusion
2) Curiosity
3) Acceptance

Incidentally, I particularly enjoyed the part when the human clam tells the officer ,"They're very common in Europe," because I've been to Europe and they're totally not.  This form of justification is of course called the "European Carryall" defense.  ("It's not a suppository, it's European!")

Anyway, here's how the exact same scenario plays out down here in Canada's suppository:



In this case, the rent-a-cop's reaction is as follows:

1) Confusion
2) Hate
3) Banishment

Note in particular how quickly the real-life Paul Blart goes from having no idea what in the world he's looking at to stating with absolute certainty that it's not allowed.  This encapsulates the typical American reaction to everything from bikes to religion to sexual orientation.  "What the hell is that?  You can't do that!!!"  And I certainly don't exclude myself from this sort of reptilian-brained behavior, because that's exactly the way I feel when I see a Segway.

But what if you don't want a velomobile, yet you pine for some sort of hard shell in which to "portage" your "European" accessories?  Well look no further, because still another reader has alerted me to the "bicycle trunk:"


(I have no idea what it costs, but I'm guessing this is an "If you have to ask..." scenario.)

Here's the idea behind the "bicycle trunk:"

To remember the forgotten and old tradition of trunks, Moynat, the famous trunk and leather goods firm, has created a bicycle trunk, which expresses the meticulous detail that is part of the history of the brand.

Some might argue that the old tradition of trunks was forgotten for a reason, but if you're the sort of person who wears a Victorian anti-masturbation device so you won't get too carried away by photographs of Brooke Astor then this could be the accessory for you--especially if you're an aristocrat whose busy lifestyle requires you to have five-course picnics on the go:

Plates and cutlery are strapped to the top, custom compartments holds two aluminum thermoses and porcelain goblets, and a drawer to keep sandwiches. The front cantilevers into a small table.



Retro-Foppery like this makes the Tweed Ride look like a Gran Fondo.

132 comments:

SteadyFreddy said...

Pumped up my tires today! From Republic of Boulder Bicyle Cycling Team.

Anonymous said...

in before fofinov!

Anonymous said...

podium?

cycle

Anonymous said...

podium?

cycle

esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Sex?

Anonymous said...

Top five?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Sex!

Anonymous said...

nice handlebars! whoop!
Oakland represent

McFly said...

I need an aero helment. I want to wear it backwards.

Unknown said...

top ten

Unknown said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

Fofonov 2016

Unknown said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

bicycle trunks?
oh, and WIGGINS GETS THE GOLD!!

Anonymous said...

That trunk is the epitome of good spondee.

Anonymous said...

My lead out train was having a quad-off in Dorking!?!?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

WRM,

Very nice but you don't say anything about gas. How big is the tank and what is the MPG?

streepo said...

Top 20, cunts

Anonymous said...

Architects in the Pacific Northwest use rusted steel to accent buildings, but refer to it as "weathered" steel.

Matt said...

Man, imagine if the trunk makers and the suppository makers got together! It would be the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of aerodynamic picnics!

Darth Nilus said...

It's a recumbent bicycle under a full fairing

grog said...

Or, if you have just stolen somebody's ride, here is how you camoflage it to be permanently your own.

Recumbabe would not operate a suppository. No point.

Ready for Olympic mtb events?

Anonymous said...

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/24/nyregion/manhattan-court-sends-erring-cyclists-to-remedial-class.html?_r=2&smid=tw-nytmetro&seid=auto

NYC has a law you cannot ride on streets? WTF? here in Boston you can ride two abreast in regular lanes EVEN IF there is a bike lane.

Anonymous said...

i have mixed feelings about he velomobile on one hand on short commutes i guess it's better than a car and has some benefits over a regular bike, on the other hand it cost $9,000 and is incredibly dorky. also, i would guess that the limited visability of the low position versus a bike can't be safe, and again the things is as dorky as hell. also, would you want to associate yourself with the NJ exuberant guy, the canadian with the lisp or the self rightous freak on the third video? i thought roadies were annoying dorks, but they seem delightful compared to these guys.

jz said...

Great post, love those picture from the Olympics, shows perspective.

pessary pilot said...

I can so ride this here!

leroy said...

My dog informs me that uglification is 100% effective.

He claims the proof is that I have never had a bike stolen while I was attached to it.

You can't argue with science.

Anonymous said...

Travelling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast
And she said,

"Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."

Buying bread from a man in Brussels
He was six foot four and full of muscle
I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich
And he said,

"I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover." (Yeahhh!)

Dying in a den in Bombay
With a slack jaw, and nothin' much to say
I said to the man, "Are you trying to tempt me
Because I come from the land of plenty?"
And he said,

"Oh, you come from a land down under? (oh yeah yeah)
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? (ooohh)
You better run, you better take cover."

We are..

McFly said...

I could have totally got behind that Velomobile until on the vid at 5:02 I saw he was wearing a thumb-ring, a mother------- thumb-ring. Plus I cannot believe he could not lift that 4000 lb van. Pussy.

leroy said...

Well I'll be darned.

I just realized why the new Barclays Center has the patina of a rusted derelict tanker.

It's to deter thieves.

You can't be too careful when leaving things unattended in downtown Brooklyn.

Honestly, the things you learn reading a bicycle cycling blog.

Thanks BSNYC!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

On the plus side one would neither have to uglify or lock up their velo-clam as the average thief wouldn't have the slightest idea what the thing even was.

TIDY PILE

OBA said...

Snobbeh,
Obv., your mileage may vary, but when I rode from Amsterdam to Antwerp a few years ago (yes, much Wed.W. was involved) I actually saw a bunch of those velomobiles on the bike paths -- especially in the outer burbs of bigger cities.

mikeweb said...

McFly,

At least there wasn't a matching ear cuff. Though maybe that comes out after dark...

Leroy,

I guess that explains the statue of Dennis Hopper in an eyepatch on the roof.

crosspalms said...

Got sidetracked by the links on the bike trunk story. Hand-painted bicycle bells (I like the smiling octopus and the speedometer). A rebuilt single-speed with a paint job straight out of Best Made (1,222 euros, no brakes). Yow. Time to join the 1 percent. Are they still taking applications?

butt said...

soon hipsters across america (the world?) will apply these DIY uglification techniques to their porteurs in order to produce compelling facsimiles of "beausage" (© grant peterson) with out the actual ever-so-irritating usage. well, being hipsters, they will more likely pay a bicycle beausage artisan to do it for them. kind of like how at the fender (guitar) custom shop, you can pay someone to fuck up a perfectly good guitar so it looks vintage-y or something.

Paul Bowen said...

In 17 hours time or whenever NBC gets around to showing it, you're gonna love the Olympic TT chaps!

Anonymous said...

In my co workers case the judge was such a cunt she sentenced him to a day of community service (highway litter removal) and threatened a $500 fine with jail time. Mind you this is for rolling onto an empty sidewalk to avoid a blocked bike lane and bus traffic. NY hates us.

Anonymous said...

Mid-pack Fodder. Oh yeah, w33dneztag.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The major drawback of these velomobiles occurs when the operator consumes large amounts of chili, eggs and beer, epic burritos or whole wheat pasta.

television_writer said...

Wiggo's only TT wins in his entire career happened in 2012, one of them a gold medal. Doping doper who doped for the TdF win gets the win they blew in the road race.

If discovering Wiggo got gold was a spoiler for you, then it may come as a shock to you with how much this fairy tale created in the UCI with Sky's money flowing generously to UCI/IOC/ASO members.

I laughed out loud when recumb-dork claimed "average speed is 20 mph on a normal bike and I go 25-30 mph because...."

He should be selling bikes for Trek or Spezialuzed. Because, you know carbon bikes do the same thing...

Paul Bowen said...

Nice to see the Bowen device, the source of the family fortune, getting a mention on the anti-wank implements page.

The Australian (presumably)sneer picture reminded me of this:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-social-self/201002/olympic-happiness-better-win-bronze-silver-medals

Short read: silver medallists look up and think "if only..."; bronze medallists look down and think "Phew!" So yeah, probably those guys with the bronze medals ARE happier.

Paul Bowen said...

@television_writer: Aw, bitter much? Tee-hee!

Anonymous said...

@ paul bowen,

What I took from the silver/bronze thing was that Aussies cry alot and NZealanders find any excuse to celebrate and drink lots of beer

Serial Retrogrouch said...

that suppository is all we need to push the bicycle registration proposal into law in canada's chocolate powerdered diaper.

television_writer said...

Paul,

Not bitter about this at all. Wiggo cheated Tony Martin out of a medal. Let's face facts, who knows if Martin is clean.

This pretty much sums it up: http://forum.cyclingnews.com/showpost.php?p=971959&postcount=4502

Bottom line: I'm tired of all the doping and fake results all the way down to some stupid Gran Fondo in NY. I don't race and stupid stuff like this just validates how good a choice not spending money on racing is.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit you managed to cull up some real dork vids for today's post. I lost it when the suppository fanatic rolled outta his garaged going 'dum-da-dum-da-dum' to himself.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The bike condom might be Cipo's handiwork.

McFly said...

I bet they use the fully enclosed faired model in the Neitherlands so as to retain the Wednesday-fumes as one is meandering along.

Paul Bowen said...

@television_writer: So we don't know whether Martin's clean, you assume Wiggins isn't clean (because after all he's British and doing great so, like, hello) therefore we can be sure that Wiggins cheated Martin out of a medal. I think I get where you're coming from.

The King of Park Slope said...

That trunk is absurd. Where does one keep the desert cheese?

Anonymous said...

this desert cheese is making me thirsty.

television_writer said...

Paul,

There was another fairy tale that was quite similar to this one with references to revolutionary "cadence techniques", physique transformations as adults no less, and "marginal gains" from working harder. It turns out that one was a complete fraud set up by the people who run the U.S. cycling federation.

How is it different this time?

This is pro cycling. It's dirty, the international federation is dirty and so is this permanent-peak fairy tale performances from Wiggo and Froome.

I guess I just don't believe in miracles. Frowny-face for me....

television_writer said...

The desert cheese is in the cabinet behind the seat below the flat-panel TV. The heat from the TV keeps it nice and soft.

I'm reminded of this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Rf0eBzsS5s

Pod dude is going to get crushed by a driver and the cops will blame it on him. He wasn't in a car after all...

Dooth said...

Time trial Gold! Snobby, Gold!

ashcroftchops said...

I ride a British built Brompton folding super cycle and am as ugly as fuck. A perfect theft proof combination if I do say so myself!

Anonymous said...

Weed

Anonymous said...

"I was also on the USCF board when Boone Lennon, the inventor of clip-on bars, came and tried to convince us to not outlaw the bars for mass start racing. I have to say, that I, single handily, was the one that made that happen. Everyone else on the board seemed okay with it, but I spoke up. I asked why doesn’t someone go out and ride them in a criterium, with a dip in the last corner and see how well that works out. Or try them in a cyclo-x. I explained that there is a very good reason for elbows in the equation of bike riding and not falling off your bike. Boone slipped me a pair of bars in the rest room and told me to go out and try them, but I still voted no. It just wasn’t, and still isn’t a very good idea."

- Steve Tilford
http://stevetilford.com/?p=21020

Anonymous said...

Maybe if you make the shell of one of those quadricycle things out of cardboard, it can help drive down the 9000 pricetag.

I really want to get one but can't justify the price.

Salty and Sore said...

anon 1:17-

If Aussie men chunder, what do the Aussie women do?

Anonymous said...

Panties!

McFly said...

S&S,
Easy, the Aussie women clean up chunder....it's science.

Anonymous said...

I think Salty etc. is referring to that song.

Anonymous said...

so blow?

McFly said...

Blow Chunks?

Salty and Sore said...

@McFly-

I shoulda heard the hinges squeak, at least!
Closing door.
Getting my hearing checked.

Anonymous said...

I want that picnic basket.

babble on said...

When does everyone take their pants off for the calf-off?

Mikey B said...

Aside from pants off dance offs I can't see why people wouldn't want a velodrome. I thought brooklyn was becoming more bike centric witht the coming of bike share and that cool park circle storage bike storage /parking that opened up by prospect park I guess there will always been detractors...

Anonymous said...

If you're Russian going into a restroom, and American when you come out, what are you on the inside. European.

Anonymous said...

Fuel for the "motorist hating biyclist" fire: an Olympic press bus hit a bicyclist in London today.

Anonymous said...

Chocolate!

Anonymous said...

All I can think of as I watch those Velomobile vids is what a horrific noise they must make when crushed beneath the wheels and axles of a garbage truck. Not even a little red flag is going to help with that. Though it might add a bit of irony for the EMTs as they scrape around for the remains.

Paul Bowen said...

@television_writer: here's the Wiggold giving the biggest fuck about your frowny-face http://instagram.com/p/Nzdm3NTLyH/

McFly said...

Forget the calf-off. Is there a sexier male scenario anywhere on this planet hotter than Bradley Wiggins in a sweaty cycling jersey fully unzipped?

The answer is yes, yes there is.
They are as follows:

1) Red Green

B) Anyone from California

3) Steven Van Zandt

4) The ScareCrow from Oz, with a flying monkey chaser

Captain Hardbread said...

holy Death Penguins Bike Snob
what could be the meaning of this?

Anonymous said...

McFly @9:34 - OMG, I'm late for the Possum Lodge meeting!

Salty and Sore said...

Dude...

Either I already have DrinkyVision (while still at work?.. oh wait. it's Wedneday), or Wiggo is actually hot.
Thank you Mr. Bowen for indulging my nerd-fetish.

Clearly, time to reload, and rethink the path I'm on.

4 out of 5 dentists agree.

Salty and Sore said...

Whoa. Disclaimer.

Reload, Wednesday style, that is. Not Batman-premier-in-Boulder-night style. Not cool. sorry if that came up for anyone else.

Yoda said...

velomobile. Ha. That's funny. What is the purpose,again?

Anonymous said...

Aurora. Not Boulder. Aurora. Batman premier in Aurora.

Anonymous said...

Yoda. The purpose of the Velomobile is to make cycling even more dangerous while adding a large dose of redonkulous. I think its quite successful.

Anonymous said...

"Now, I'm not sure how effective uglification actually is"


No, no. You tell us how it's working for you, we've seen your bikes.

McFly said...

hahahahaha

NICE callback on the blue bar tape AND ergo grips.

lolz

Jed said...

The velo is the holy grail of dorkdom! I can't wait to see the crabon fiber Scattante version. It'll be funny when the tire kickers get caught in the automatic doors on their way out for a test drive. That being said... I want one!

Anonymous said...

Your “full turtle"comment makes me want to read 'Snow Crash' again for the fifth time. Uff-da.

Johnny Biketech said...

Serial Retrofoppery - now there's an Olympic sport
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzrI15uw92k

Tamaranchorider said...

Nice blog today. But I needed to wash myself after watching those trikes.

ce said...

When I saw my Brett icon in the post, I cried. It should have been bigger.

Anonymous said...

Riding around in a space aged looking coffin is pretty smart.

Kills two birds with one stone.

Anonymous said...

As mentioned earlier: cyclist killed by Olympic bus. Now 'Stanley Wiggo' wants to 'legalize helmets'!
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/cyclist-killed-being-hit-olympic-bus-005738675.html

ce said...

Business arising:

1. Bret is spelled with one 't'

2. Rat bikes rule

3. I didn't make the Sad Silver/Blessed Bronze picture, the Internet gave it to me.

4. Rat bikes rule

Miles Donover said...

Is BikeSnob really unaware of the differences, and the advantages, of a good new bike over a beater off Craigslist? Say it isn't true!

Anonymous said...

I thought most of the people in the trike vids were pretty cool, in a dare to be different sort of way.

And even the "rent a cop's" final (audible) words were "OK, very good."

Why all the hate, people?

Rollie said...

I'm a day late cuz my computer broke and Contador didn't stop to help. The cunt!

babble on said...

Ok, I'll start...

UGLY FCTR said...

The term "pessary pilot" is great.

That Uglification specialist spray-painted the wall, that vandal.

BTW, with cocoa powder and clear-coat plus a minute or so with condom-covered fingers, you can make some nice faux feces.

Or just buy some.
I like plastic puke, myself and made a custom plastic puke holder beneath the saddle.

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