Thursday, August 2, 2012

Play to Your Strengths: Less Advocacy, More Cursing

SPOILER ALERT!!!


Bradley Wiggins have winned the Olympics golden bikeing metal:


(A young Woody Allen does "schtick" with a piece of Hanukkah gelt.)

As a cycling fan, my relationship with Bradley Wiggins has been a tumultuous one.  First Bradley Wiggins was this guy who was good at racing track bikes, so I didn't care about him, because honestly, who pays any attention to track racing?  Then, Bradley Wiggins was this guy who was supposed to be good at the Tour de France, but he kept screwing it up and crashing, so I figured he was just the British Christian Vande Velde and continued to ignore him.  But then, this year, Bradley Wiggins proved he actually is good at riding the Tour de France, and as a bonus he started throwing obscenities like "cunt" around during interviews like they were Throwing Cunts.  (NERF made a soft, fuzzy, Frisbee-like flying disc called the Throwing Cunt back in the '80s.)  That's when I started to like him.  Call me a fair weather fan with a grade school sense of humor if you'd like, but I follow this sport to be entertained, and the simple fact is that a guy from London who wins races and says "cunt" is entertaining, whereas a guy from wherever who loses races and lives with a bunch of small dogs is not:


(Levi Leipheimer: The sleep-inducing face of animal birth control.)

And then, to top it all off, Wiggins won a gold medal yesterday.  Sure, it was in the dorky race (the time trial) instead of the cool race (the road race), but at least it wasn't the track again.  (BO-ring...)

But now my relationship with Bradley Wiggins has taken yet another turn.  Last night, an Olympic shuttle bus struck and killed a cyclist:


And the police arrested the driver:

Police said a man in his mid-60s was arrested at the scene on suspicion of causing death by dangerous driving and is currently in custody at an east London police station.

This is exactly what happens in New York City, except instead of arresting the driver they let him go with no investigation and then pin a summons on the corpse.

Anyway, it's a tragic situation, and naturally in the wake of this tragedy a bunch of journalists find the guy who just won the gold medal in bicycle cycling and stick their microphones in his face so they can get some kind of reaction.  So what does he say?  A cyclist is dead, crushed by a bus.  If ever there was a time for invective, this is it.  Does Wiggins unleash his trademark brashness and say something juicy like, "That cunt of a bus driver should have his fucking bollocks cut off!"?  No, he doesn't.  Instead he says that they should make cyclists wear helmets:


Actually, more than that, he says that if you get hit by a car while you're on a bike and you're not wearing a helmet that you can't "argue:"

Wiggins, speaking after winning his Olympic gold medal in Wednesday's time trial, said making it illegal to cycle without a helmet would make the roads safer "because ultimately, if you get knocked off and you ain't got a helmet on, then how can you kind of argue".

At first, I was extremely dismayed to hear Wiggins imply that a cyclist who is hit by a car is somehow automatically wrong just because he or she isn't wearing a foam yarmulke.  After all, remember that guy in the New York Times video about helmet cameras who was intentionally hit by a pickup truck driver?  Would the driver somehow be less of a scumbag if the cyclist hadn't been wearing a helment?  Would the cyclist then forfeit his right to "argue?"  And I was especially dismayed to hear this coming from Wiggins, who was famously blunt about the people who assume he's a doper because he's a professional cyclist:

"I say they're just fucking wankers. I cannot be doing with people like that.

It justifies their own bone-idleness because they can't ever imagine applying themselves to do anything in their lives.

It's easy for them to sit under a pseudonym on Twitter and write that sort of shit, rather than get off their arses in their own lives and apply themselves and work hard at something and achieve something. And that's ultimately it. Cunts."

So why aren't people who make assumptions about cyclists based on what they wear or don't wear on their heads similarly "cunty?"

But then I thought about it more, and I realized I shouldn't be angry at Bradley Wiggins.  Instead, I should place the blame where it almost always belongs, which is on the journalists.  Journalists are cycling's worst enemy.  It's not reasonable make a competitive cyclist suddenly don an ill-fitting bike advocacy hement in the wake of a tragedy.  Competitive cycling and bike advocacy really have very little to do with each other, apart from the fact that bikes are involved.  Why do they need to ask Wiggins about it at all?  If someone had drowned in the Thames would they hunt down Michael Phelps?  A bus was involved in this collision too, but they don't go interviewing a professional monster truck driver--and if they did, I'm sure the monster truck driver would say something inane about how all buses should have gigantic tires so they can ride over everything in their path.  Plus, according to Wiggins, apparently he didn't even call for mandatory helment laws at all:


Anyway, I still disagree with him, but at the same time I'm sympathetic, and ultimately I do think he deserves the benefit of the doubt--especially since someone stole his shorts that very same night, as I just learned from a reader:


Evidently the brazen heist took place while he was in the shower:

But after winning gold, an overzealous fan stole his cycling shorts while he showered, ITV News reported.


Wiggins said: "It's only a bit of cycling kit. But you don't expect pilferers to do that in a five-star spa. Sweaty cycling kit is probably on eBay tonight."

I'm assuming the only reason the thief didn't get the gold medal too was that Wiggins was showering with it.  I'm also sure he was showering in his time trial helment, since if he wasn't and he were to slip and fall he wouldn't be able to "argue."

But while professional cyclists aren't very good at playing bike advocate, they're not nearly as disastrous as aging Freds who play pro cyclist, and the Infamous Gran Fondo Doping Fred has now made the pages of Velo-whatever:


I wasn't surprised to learn that an amateur bike racer with lots of money was a completely delusional dork because pretty much all amateur bike racers are completely delusional dorks.  I also wasn't surprised that he ultimately turned to doping, since amateur bike racers emulate the pros, and it's really no different than some indie rock wannabe in a crappy band dabbling in heroin because he's smitten by some romantic image of Lou Reed or Keith Richards.  Whether you're a Fred or a Hilpster, after you've bought the same equipment and the same clothes yet you still don't have any talent what else is left to try but drugs?  However, I can't help but be shocked that he actually booked time in a wind tunnel:

Into the 2012 season, Anthony was primed. He’d done “a ton” of base training. Plus, thanks to a revelation in the wind tunnel, he’d found out he had a naturally aero body and position on the bike. A short version of the complicated calculus: due to the exponential quality, his advantage was enormous. His watts were up, and his drag was down. What’s that mean? Explosive time trial results.


“In my case, the EPO and the HGH were actually worth more,” he said. “I was like, ‘this shit works,’ and I was also freaked out. I never expected that. I thought I’d just be a little more relevant.”


To be more relevant, Anthony was spending $1,000 a month.

What a complete doofus.

Also, with one sentence, this article may have unwittingly predicted the future of amateur bike racing:

The only thing that was satisfying for him was making gains against himself — not even winning races.

At this rate I believe that in 20 years mass-start USA Cycling-sanctioned bike racing will be a thing of the past.  Instead, amateur racing will simply involve buying lots of designer equipment, taking lots of designer drugs, and competing entirely on Strava.  In the future, each Fred will be an island of "personal best," their competition consisting only of disembodied user names.  Occasionally you will see these riders out there on the roads, wired Lycra-clad organisms pedaling away in a bubble of crabon-and-electronic onanism.  You may call it frightening, but I call it refinement.  It will be the ultimate evolution of Fred-dom.

As for the rest of us, there's always mountain unicycling, as forwarded by another reader:

Unicycles are the new 650b.  Which was the new 29er.  Which was the new 650b.  Which was the new 26-inch.  Which was...

95 comments:

Anonymous said...

Only wish I had a throne to sit on like at the Olympic Time Trials.

wishiwasmerckx said...

First again?

Astroluc said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

Bronze bitches!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Damn, nipped at the line! Need to work on my bike-throwing skills.

Anonymous said...

Pulled a Zabel!

mikeweb said...

Gold medal to Wiggo: "Bite me!"

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

OW early snobby you tricked us again.

cycle

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment.

Joey Mc said...

Damn

Joey Mc said...

Damn

Anonymous said...

sheesh; ripping leipy for being involved with PETA,
ripping all amatchers,
in closing, ripping.

more crotchal splendor orima fkiunking kil yoo

RUCK SACK

Fodder of the Pack said...

Top Twenty you Scranacular Cuntosaurus Suck-Ass Ho's!!!
(Some guy was yelling at his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend below my apartment window, calling her a suck-ass ho. I almost had to thank him for the gift of a new expletive, except that I had to threaten to call the cops instead. Oh well. Suck-Ass Ho!
Run with it , people.)

Anonymous said...

Uff-da!

Delusional Dork said...

Wiggout being a ass? What a surprise.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

wiggo is cunt... with a golden necklace... he needs pearls on that necklace from cipo.

Anonymous said...

that looks like the Rabobank team bus

Marcel Da Chump said...

Sad news about the London cycling tragedy.
Ewww about the stolen Wiggo shorts.

Anonymous said...

I have BW's shorts. Certainly deserves a gold for the skid marks.

grog said...

Take the bus. Please.

C. Evans said...

I have Wiggins' stolen panties, and I'm actually smelling them right now.

stiveau said...

another tour de force.

Anonymous said...

Good job
+
too serious amateur racing
=
doofus

v/s

professional racing
+
halfass education
+
apathy towards thinking
=
sorry cunt

Me:
dragg ass on rides
+
low paying career
=
hater

erikbeng said...

I have to believe that Uni-bike-ist CRASHED seconds after that photo was taken...

Anonymous said...

...and that's how a helmunt bill becomes a helmunt law?

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford rides without helment unless he's racing.

Anonymous said...

also, he is an actual pro cyclist.

streepo said...

ill-fitting bike advocacy hement?

RANTWICK said...

Sometimes my helment is a pain in the ass, but I don't argue.

chester mc_chesterfield said...

I was late posting because of my appointment at the wind tunnel.

I got my crabon wheels last week.

The only thing left to do to make USA Cycling's champions club is the HGH from the upcoming visit to the anti-aging clinic.

Isn't competitive cycling great???

Bone-idle w@nkers form a line after me.

Kenny Banya said...

"If someone had drowned in the Thames would they hunt down Michael Phelps?"

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

Anonymous said...

Yew misspelled hemet.

Paul Bowen said...

Unless Wiggins has lost two pairs of shorts to theftery in the past week, the Standard has rolled up two stories that happened on different days (insofar as 'gold medallist celebrates with alcohol, friends' constitutes a story) because he tweeted about the shorts theft at the weekend.

Today's spoilerettes: Team GB breaking WRs at the velodrome every time they look at the track; Brit haterz will enjoy ladies team sprint.

faithful said...

USAC robot says, "Need more gear to enjoy cycling. Bleep... Blop... Bloop..."

Looks like I'll have to get the TT helments painted to match my custom painted Speshul-Trek shiv.

USAC robot says, "We like our members doped and rich... Bleeeeep.. Bleep.. Bleep."

Thom Wiesel says, "Mission Accomplished!" from the deck of the carrier Enterprise."

Anonymous said...

" he says that if you get hit by a car while you're on a bike and you're not wearing a helmet that you can't "argue:"

Catch Rag!

Paul Bowen said...

To lose one bibshort, Mr Wiggins, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Anonymous said...

if levi spent less time screwing dogs and more riding his bikecycle, maybe he would win something. apathetic dog wanking cunt.

Anonymous said...

Ladies messed up.....changed too early or something? Men won the team sprint, though; new world record too.

Isn't it "smacks of carelessness"? (been a while since I read it).

hey nonny mouse

leroy said...

Oh dear.

I think I just figured out why my dog likes to play Frisbee.

Anonymous said...

Stolen shorts?

Is the Stasi making a comeback?

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"so I figured he was just the British Christian Vande Velde and continued to ignore him."
Summed it up for me WCRM...

PhilboydStunge said...

Snobby, you are a fair weather fan with a grade school sense of humor.

Bobby said...

What! Levi has one of those little yapper dogs? Those wee poofters dry hump anything they can find.

I'll bet that Jens has a shepherd, one of those big nasty ones that wears a WWI Kaiser helment. You know the one, with the spike on top. He sits at the door and demands, "I vant to go OUT, Jens!"

The King of Park Slope said...

MTU is so 90s.

Anonymous said...

MUNI (mountain unicycling) has been around nearly as long as food styling. It's true, look it up.

babble on said...

Sure he's a proponent of helmets, but where are his safety shoes?

Um. I hate to break it to you, dearest Snobster, but that guy who's dead? He's not exactly arguing loudly for a world without helmets.

Jus sayin...

two wheeled tortoise said...

Would a helment have saved the guy's life? Fuck no.

All them things.. said...

dem's all good

Dennis Hopper said...

Hey, what's happening Mario, baby?

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Wiggo said...

Mark, I got the medal and not you, you cunt. What the fuck have you ever done for me? Make me work my ass off while you get knighted by the Queen. That cunt. Fuck you. Fucking cunt.

crosspalms said...

Misread the doper and just spent a couple of hours in the wine tunnel. Now I need a nap.

Anonymous said...

anon 12.42

I resemble that comment.

Salty and Sore said...

myopiniondoesntcuntformuch

Anonymous said...

flying cunts

Dooth said...

Considering how efficiently a world class athlete, like Wiggo (hmm...Wiggo the World Class Athlete),processes food and drink, he must get a nice high.

Paul Bowen said...

Anon @2.01: No, what I've put there is correct apart from the obvious changes. Funnily enough for years I thought it was "may be accounted a misfortune" (and to be honest Oscar old thing, I think that works better) until I looked it up.

The lad who died last night under a bus died in a way that made helmet or no helmet irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

Last week it was mentioned that cycling is not green. It isn't, at least as far as "Freddom" is concerned. Picture Mrs. Fred who asks Mr. Fred to go to the store to pick up a quart of milk. Mr. Fred says "after my training ride dear." Fred dons his kit, mounts his trusty bike, attempts his latest personal best, in the meantime passing three grocery stores twice. He returns home, showers, and hops in his BMW for his trip to the store. No backpacks or panniers for these guys.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I've heard of unicycle trail riding, but never really was interested to look into it. So, reading the piece by Kris Holm and watching a couple of his videos, I see that he likes "Stripping gear to its essentials" so as not to "insulate" himself from what he's "trying to experience". By that logic I'll just take a good pair of hiking boots, 'k?

Anonymous said...

Anybody notice how some rowing fans are watching the rowing races by riding next to the course on their bikes. What a really cool way to enjoy cycling.

Anonymous said...

I prefer paneer to pannier

CURY BURN

Anonymous said...

American Taylor Phinney took fourth in the olympic time trial. During an interview, he said that he loves to ride his bike. He doesn't realize that it is not love but OCD.

McFly said...

Oh Lord BGW was not cycleen in Londons was he? I hopeth nots. BGW....Paging BGW....BGW please report to the commenting desk.

McFly said...

So I took my brood to the 31st Annual Loretta Lynns Amatuer Motocross National today and we took mountanious bikes so we would not have to walk everywhere(no hements). The track sits in a pristeen valley complete with a beautiful clear, huge creek. The roads around it are really hilly. Those kids CRUSHED me on the hills. Lil' f--kers. I need some EPO.

Anonymous said...

@Anon 5:17.. I think those are the coaches.
and for the poor guy who got ran over by a bus, helment would not have helped. If he was a pedestrian, it would have been the same outcome. Sometimes there is just not much anything could do to prevent such on occurrence. But I'd rather have a helmet for the one time I might need it when it would help than not have it when I need it.

Anonymous said...

By the way, they're real, and they're spectacular!

Anonymous said...

You are a fair weather fan with a grade school sense of humor!

Anonymous said...

Yesterday you asked why people dislike cyclists--today you give us more of that Anthony idiot. Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm seein' a connection. . . .

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Let me once again encourage the no-helmet crowd to ride hard and fast in hopes of improving the gene pool by removing themselves from prior to reproducing!

Anonymous said...

You are a fair weather fan with a grade school sense of humor! (I typed that myself instead of taking the easy way out and cutting and pasting. Who do you think I am, effin' David Anthony?)

Anonymous said...

Isadora Duncan's autobiography is very sexy!

Anonymous said...

The London cyclist has been named as Daniel Harris, and the bus driver has been released from custody. But he is just out on bail, so unless he seeks asylum in the American Embassy for being persecuted just for exercising his Lob-given right to crush people with a motor vehicle, he is not yet in the clear.

http://abcnews.go.com/Sports/t/story/olympic-bus-hits-kills-cyclist-stadium-16907867

Anonymous said...

The bust driver hit a cyclist and is, according to this crowd, guilty. I have no doubt that he hates cyclists and hit him on purpose. And of course ALL bicyclists are such perfect angels when they ride.

Anonymous said...

It may well be, but Bugattis have very little to do with bicycles....

...apart from the sudden and unexpected death bit.....

.....want to race a Bugatti...

hey nonny mouse

John from London said...

Thanks for a Thouhtful and funny analysis of the wiggo quote/road death.

McFly said...

NO KIDS TONIGHT!

BUST DRVR

Anonymous said...

"...and thank goodness he slowed down."

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/08/02/bc-victoria-raway-horse.html

Ralph Nader said...

If it were wreckless driving there would not have been a wreck. It was wreckful driving. Wrecky at the very least.

JD0g said...

wow, the spoiler! wowser

Anonymous said...

Love the spoiler alert snobby!

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Anon 8:02--

My dog has asked me to inform you that it's bad manners to piss on a dead guy.

So on behalf of polite society, he cordially invites you to fuck yourself up the nose with rifle cleaning equipment.

But only after you have exhumed the skull of your deceased granny and buggered the eye sockets.

He also wants me to tell you to have a nice day.

(Those etiquette lessons he took are really paying off.)

Nate said...

This whole "make your bike look like crap thing" reminds me of basically the hipster fashion in general: spending a lot of money so that it looks like you haven't spent a lot of money. Same thing goes with the whole minimalist wanna-be crap. Minimalism isn't about the amount of things you have but rather the relationship you have with your things. I.E. if an iPad, iPhone and fixie are your only posessions, but you let them define you, then you're not a minimalist.

Anonymous said...

If you are riding on the Spanish Banks these days, one wheel is all you can afford.

Mind you, those logs look like they ought to be worth something.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous@19:05: I already reproduced, as your mom is well aware.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, fuck yourself up the nose with rifle cleaning equipment, up the ass!

Anonymous said...

Well well, what did I miss at 8:02?

HELL MINT said...

streepo and McFly know... "an ill-fitting bike advocacy hement" bodes no good.

Cement? He-men? He meant?

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McFly said...

Dafuq that say?

Safety Boots said...

What a love gold. i love it.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing.

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