Monday, July 16, 2012

Tacking it On: Sabotage!

In an incident that will be forever known as "Tackgate," or "Puncturegate," or perhaps even "Prickgate," a number of Tour de France riders--most notably Cadel Evans--fell victim to a saboteur or saboteurs who strew ("strew" is pretentious for "threw") tacks at the summit of the climb on yesterday's stage 14.  Here's what Evans's tire looked like afterwards:



And here's what it looked like when Jim Ochowicz tried to give Evans a wheel change, as captured by Cycling Inquisition:



By the way, the above video is completely unedited, and they just so happened to be listening to the theme music from "The Benny Hill Show" in the BMC team car at top volume at the time of the incident.

In any case, this deplorable tacking is obviously the work of notorious villain Monsieur Punaise, and once French authorities apprehend him perhaps they can come to New York and help us with our own tack problem, since the NYPD certainly aren't interested:


Which is hardly surprising, since the NYPD is very concerned about squirrels all of a sudden:


“We have more important things to worry about, like people getting shot and squirrels getting run over,” said one cop. “A flat tire is not the crime of the century.”

Despite the fact that I myself have been the victim of the Central Park Tacker in seasons past (this has been going on for years, as the Post fails to point out), I would agree it's a good thing that law enforcement is finally looking out for the squirrels, especially given the problems that plague their communities in large cities all over the world:


People use the word "squirrely" to describe skittish and erratic behavior, but before the crack epidemic squirrels were actually sluggish and docile creatures whose only indulgence was a little bit of "Wednesday weed" from time to time:



Now even crack isn't enough for them, and in recent months they've taken to breaking into shopping malls and stealing bath salts from The Body Shop.

Anyway, nobody benefitted more from Tackgate than Bradley Wiggins, who has subsequently been dubbed "Le Gentleman" by the French:


In fact, "Le Gentleman" is already running with his new sobriquet and has purchased a custom car to match:


Calling it "Le Car" is a bit audacious, but getting it in yellow before he's even won the Tour is downright tacky.  And if all that weren't enough, he's now calling other riders "uncouth" to boot

Wiggins was not impressed with Rolland afterwards “I just thought it was a little uncouth at the time, the stage was gone. We had been up the final climb which was very tough, no one went away, the stage was over for GC riders.”

Just last week "cunts" were rushing out of this guy's mouth like it was a burning gynecologist's office, and now he's using SAT words to call other people rude.  At this point I'm beginning to suspect it may be Wiggins himself who orchestrated the tack attack in order to rehabilitate his public image.  Or, the other possibility is it was last-placed team Argos-Shimano, whose budget is so low that they can't afford GPS and instead use paper maps.  The likely explanation in that case is that they were marking key moments on the day's route map with thumbtacks and then the directeur sportif dropped the box out the window by accident.


Speaking of the Tour de France team classification, the first-placed team is supposed to wear yellow helmets, so it's only fair that the last-placed team should have to wear these helments with the integrated lanterne rouge:


I mentioned these helments awhile back and I still can't believe people gave the "inventors" $68,000:


It seems to me that you have helments, and you have bike lights, and therefore there's no real need to transform your head into a great big search light of dorkiness.  I'd much rather make my head look like it's being swallowed by a satanic platypus, which I now can thanks to this Cyclehawk hat I received from Kevin "Squid" Bolger, the patron of the New York City messenger community and all-around stand-up guy:


You can support the New York Bicycle Messenger Foundation by buying a hat from their eBay store.  Or, you can give some Kickstarter design douches money to turn you into a rolling R2-D2, it's completely up to you.

Meanwhile, in other urban cycling news, a reader tells me that one person broke a leg and an undisclosed number of fixies were destroyed when a car plowed through the bike rack at Zeitgeist in San Francisco's Mission District:


Officer F. Landis was the first to arrive at the scene, which was so grisly that a local hipster administered last rites to a 3Rensho with his iPhone:


If you don't have the Vatican's Last Rites "app" on your iPhone or Android device you really should download it immediately since you never know when you're going to have to prepare someone's soul for the afterlife.  And thanks to the patented "Point and Anoint" technology it's both accurate and easy to use.  In fact, it's so easy that it requires no formal Catholic training whatsoever, hence the Vatican's controversial marketing slogan:


It's all part of the Vatican's plan to make Catholicism the Apple of faiths.  I suspect they'll be successful too, since things are getting downright Biblical out there.  Consider this image that was forwarded to me by another reader:


I don't know if this guy is riding a fixed-gear, but he's certainly in a Zen-like state, right down to the headphones:


The Helment Nanzis are saying, "Where's his helmet?"  The commuter dorks are saying, "Where are his fenders?"  And the amphibious vehicle enthusiasts are saying, "Where are his pontoons?"  As for me, I mostly just enjoyed the picture, though I was rather annoyed by the incessant pop-up ads:



Insert your own pontoon joke here: ______________:

100 comments:

Anonymous said...

CUNTS!

ce said...

Twiggins

ce said...

...as in the legs

ce said...

Should have been riding tack bikes then shouldn't they.

ce said...

It seems the rest of the field have punctured.

ce said...

They've been atTACKED

ce said...

OK I'll stop

recembent recumbabe stalker said...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...

recumboobs

Buffalo Bill said...

Flooding in Houston, how is that news?

Anonymous said...

Re-tacked for security reasons.

JB said...

Early break!

JB said...

That was tacky, ce.

Steven said...

Floyd Landis is taking his residual doping bitterness out on hipsters??!!

ce said...

JB, are you saying you don't approve of my tacktics?

Cipo said...

Epic Podium Panty Flashbacks

ce said...

Struth, I swear I didn't strew the tacks. Though it does seems that the perpetrator may be an Australian, possibly with a military background. Witnesses report seeing a suspicious person wearing this "Plat-a-tac" tactical cap: featuring a platypus skull logo and built in sun visor. (You only get the built in visor on the MIL SPEC caps).

Bod said...

"Point and Anoint"...
Hilfuckingarious!
That bloke better order a new new bottom bracket for his aqua bike...

Invisible Man said...

Only last week, Snob, you were trying to rent my South London house for a knock-down price. Today you're pointing out a report from our local free newspaper that some neighbourhood squirrels are on crack. Were you upset I wouldn't lower my price or something?

I used my flight back from New York on Friday night, incidentally, to reflect some more on differences between cycling in New York and London, complete with a diversion to reflect on the differences between the UK and US constitutions.

It's here: http://invisiblevisibleman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/grids-lights-and-why-new-yorks-traffic.html

Anonymous said...

TOP XX YASS!! NO?

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Spondee pontoon!

Ian Phlegming said...

latest James Bond movie ...

Platapussy

James Bond attempts to breed outside of his species ...

movie rated 10 yabbies

JB said...

Officer F. Landis was the first to arrive at the scene, which was so grisly that a local hipster administered last rites to a 3Rensho with his iPhone

Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Good thing they were fixies - no brakes or deraillers to replace! Or, perfect timing for hipsters to start using the bike share. lol

ryan said...

i hope the extra $23,170 received by the torch helmet crew will be applied to researching the long term effects of placing a battery pack next to your brain for hours at a time. i think this is why the micorwave hat never took off, despite the success of the beer hat.

McFly said...

24nd

McFly said...

LET'S GO GET STREWN OUT OF THE APPLEBY'S!

Dan said...

Byline sez: Multiple Fixies Injuried

Floyd said...

f landis man thats almost as funny as beardlice man how do u do it day after day week after week i mean cum on efing hilarious shit!

McFly said...

1)Thanks for the laugh BS. Maybe I can continue today without murdering someone in the face.

2)Is there anything gayer than Senor Sanchez sucking his thumb at the finish line? (Maybe that scene in Silence of the Lambs when Buffalo Bob tucks his weiner in between his legs?)

3)I bet the guy with the earbuds is listening to Take Me To The River by the incomparable David Byrne.

Stranded said...

Strew really means scattered, so throw is not a good synonym for strew. If baseball pitchers strow the ball too much, Wiggo will call them cunts or suggest they go see a soccer game. Possibly both.

HelmetNazi said...

Unfortunately, all that water will likely soften the blow when dumbass runs into a pothole and falls over, thus drastically reducing his chances of improving the gene pool by quickly removing himself from it.

Squid said...

Thanks for the shout out!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Uncouth tacky.

Anonymous said...

Pothole or lifted manhole cover!

Anonymous said...

TACK
THIS

Serial Retrogrouch said...

couth cunts are the best cunts.

uncouth gentlemen are neither couth nor gentlemen.

Anonymous said...

Oddly enough later that night I went to Zeitgeist and looked to park my bike there.

All I saw was the one standing rack, and later learned of the carnage through FB.

Perhaps it is a fair warning to "parklets as reclaimed streets" notion, at least when next to a street servicing a freeway offramp.

leroy said...

Monday morning gratuitous recumbabe photo reference -- life is good.

mikeweb said...

Pack fodder. Now to go for a ride...

Anonymous said...

I was driving in tacks with my cock and missed the break. Did Voikler win?


-balls

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Getting down to brass tacks today.

Anonymous said...

I was once a victim of a tack attack on the way up to the GWB way back-in-the-day. (early 2000's)

cadel evans said...

delayed by punctures, sorry. someone shot out my tires with an ak47. hope i haven't got blood on your blog. oh, i feel a bit woozy, but jim ockervich has just fallen down a ditch.....must......keep......riding............

squirrel dundee said...

f&@?ing squirrels, we hates 'em: http://m.wired.com/wiredenterprise/2012/07/guns-squirrels-and-steal/?pid=191&viewall=true

Binonkinerz said...

I've been saying for days... well, at least since yesterday... "I don't think 'strew' is a word".

"Strewn", yep, that's a word, a past tense verb. Still I'm pretty certain that "strew" isn't present tense for "strewn".

I think the real word is lost in the mists of time like the origin of stonehenge or the 17 secret spices. I think there's also a trick like goose/geese or therapist/the rapist*... we'll see.

Well, I gotta go, I'm in the middle of a big bike race!

*Props to the The Penis Mightier... pun intended.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me laugh! I sat down at my computer today wanting to rant about NBC's abysmal coverage of Le Tour (breaks for commercials every four minutes!) and instead, I somehow ended up at/on your blog. Hilarious stuff - what a talent for writing! Thanks again and good luck with your new book!

Jed said...

I loved the burning gyno office metaphor... I pictured all redheads, bushes ablaze.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobby, got some new ammunition for you; there's a new magazine here in the UK called Urban Cyclist.

Hipsters every-bloody-where!

hey nonny mouse

torpedo onion said...

In the immortal words of Alphonso Bedoya, the Internationally renowned Mexican bandito and road tacker, "We don't got to show you no stinking pontoons". But on a serious note, I now know why I can't figure out how to use my smartphone, I'm a Catholic in remission, lucky I have some Jewish friends who can explain it to me.

Anonymous Coward said...

CE, pipped at the line by anonymous cunts.

You killed with the new Vatican slogan snob, nice work.

SR said...

the tires were not the only deflation victim.

The Great Spondo said...

Is Dimitri Fofonov a double spondee triplet?

Anonymous said...

...but I don't have any pontoon jokes

PODIUM said...

I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree yesterday.

Wm. Douche'spear Esq. said...

peruse me latest comedy if you will ...

I call it ...

'The Taming of the Strew'

ashcroftchops said...

Cuntackattack

g-roc said...

I thought it was already established that they were Karpets' tacks. That's just bad spondee Vlad.

Anonymous said...

Oooo. Funny fucking post.
Snob, please continue writing posts like today's. Or else.
It's completely up to you.

McFly said...

We have a winner....G-roc.

McFly said...

You know what's more worser than squirrels? Rabbits, they have such a hollow, shelled look in their eye and you just know they don't give a f--k. Plus they are probably horny and therefore irrational. Irrational Rabbits.

Quilled and Lugged said...

+ 1 to g-roc.

ce - are you having what Sky is having?

Salty and Sore said...

THANK YOU, SNOBBIE!

I had become convinced (guiltily) that Wiggo was a hot, dry-skinned counterpoint to Cippolini, what with all the self-involved fashion, and unabashed usage of the much-maligned (and undeservedly, in my opinion,) CUNT-sobriquet. Especially with the Wolverine-inspired sideburns... (Calm down, Salty; this is Wiggins we're talking about. Wiggins of the womanly hip structure! WIGGINS!!!)

Le Car.. Le Car.. "Uncouth"...

So much better.
Cippolini is still on top.

yogisurf said...

Pontoons and Panties

Dooth said...

I'll be the sacrificial lamb of vulgarity:
No pontoon jokes,
but a plethora of poontang puns.

Anonymous said...

Is that really F. Landis?

Anonymous said...

Nipples.

Anonymous said...

It must have been a difficult headline to choose.
"Flooding threat not over yet for Houston area" or "Bicyclist spotted in Texas" Which story is bigger news?

Anonymous said...

Tacks, finally something exciting to report on about the tour. Just like the good old days. Gotta love it. It is just too bad Bradley " If I Was Pissed the Table Would Be On The Ground" Wiggins was not involved. Maybe next time.What a jerk.

R. G. Bargie said...

PETA TODD. (pronounced "pon-TOON")

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, g-roc...fuck the normal day to day podium shit, you win the stage hands down...

...i'm left flat at the top of the col...

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Crack Squirrels would not be a bad name for a band. Not great, but not bad either.

McFly said...

The Irrational Rabbits have opened for the Crack Squirrels on several tours. Backstage is a zoo.

Anonymous said...

< No pontoon jokes, but a plethora of poontang puns. >

If only there were some way to bridge between the two......

hey nonny mouse

V. Karpets said...

That's Vlad the Impaler to you g-roc.

d. byrne said...

bamboo psycho panties


Qu'est Que C'est

Craig said...

I belive the Zeitgeist in question was in Portland's grunge bandana, aka Seattle.

JB said...

snuggle cunts?

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob using video from other sites?

http://www.cyclinginquisition.com/

Cunning.....

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leroy said...

My dog asked me why I can't be more like g-roc.

I asked him if he knows where I can get Women Patriots Jerseys.

It's not for me. It's for recumbabe. Just in case she doesn't have sunscreen.

Skip Toofski said...

From what I understand, Recumbabe is an ex-patriot...

Anonymous said...

Last rights ap? I'd buy that for a dollar.

Anonymous said...

Wiggins races towards the Champ de elysee, as the TdF mulls through tranny stages.

Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the vernacular on the cycling blogosphere continues its race to the bottom.

"kem oaf it ya foackin' cunt!"

PubicWiggo said...

Pointoons

Poetical Justass said...

There once was a girl with a cunt,

She liked to toke the blunt,

She would get really wasted,

Then let you taste,

And perform various vaginal stunts.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford is not impressed with new concrete. Plus he really likes trains. Almost as much as he hates new concrete.

JB said...

Anon @ 10:54pm:
"And here's what it looked like when Jim Ochowicz tried to give Evans a wheel change, as captured by Cycling Inquisition:"

Let's pay better attention next time.

Tara said...

If Sunday's riders were taken out by tacks, I can only assume that the six riders who abandoned yesterday did so due to sheer boredom.
zzzzzzzzzzzz

grog said...

Makes sense to advertise life preservers during a bike regatta event. Oh babe.

Cav said...

Those sprinter's they like to suckle,

Her nipple is big as your knuckle,

She unbuttons her blouse,

It spins does the house,

And your knee's begin to buckle.

Anonymous said...

Really? We've been reduced to limericks?
... must be the heat...

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safeswtorcredits said...

I was driving in tacks with my cock and missed the break. Did Voikler win?
r

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