Wednesday, June 6, 2012

#Occupy Wednesday!

It's that time of year once again when the sporting press starts consulting the past Tour de France champions for their predictions.  This age-old ritual is sort of a mix between Groundhog Day and the resurrection of Lazarus.  First, the townsfolk gather, and then they roll the stone away from the entrance to the cave in which the past Tour de France champions reside.  Once inside, the priests utter the incantations that will awaken the great champions from their ancient slumbers, and then finally they issue their prognostications.  This time, the first champion to be roused was Miguel Indurain:


Who, thick with sleep, was apparently too groggy to make any prediction whatsoever:


"There is no clear favourite for this Tour, but the benchmark will be Cadel Evans, last year's winner. This Tour will be open," Indurain said on Spanish website marca.com.

This complete non-prediction has all the suspense of a man cleaning out his refrigerator.  "There is no certainty as to what's in this container, but the best guess would be meatballs, which was last night's dinner.  This Tupperware will be open," Indurain said shortly before opening the container, revealing the meatballs he suspected were in there, and then eating them cold.

But Indurain didn't stop there, and he then went on to provide the sort of insight that only comes from a true Tour de France veteran:

"In addition, the hardest part of the Tour will come at the end, and until then it will serve as stepping stones towards improving their shape."

This will come as a huge shock to cycling fans, who until now have always just assumed that a three week race simply gets easier as you go along.  After this, Indurain speculated that this year's competitors will most likely be riding bikes, and then he revealed that he'll soon be making his American television debut:


Interestingly, Indurain's career path follows that of his predecessor Fred Gwynne, who won La Flèche Wallonne in 1951.

Meanwhile, defending Tour de France champion Cadel Evans's tour preparation is going according to plan, and he says his biggest threat will be Bradley Wiggins:


He [Wiggins] is my main opponent," Evans told Belgian newspaper Het Nieuwsblad. "He stands to have a good year in the Tour and also there are the Olympics in London."

Frankly I hope he's wrong, because I don't think the world is ready for the smugness that would ensue if Canada and the UK were both to produce Grand Tour winners in the same year.

Meanwhile, yesterday the subject of "century" rides came up, and a commenter had this to say regarding centuries of the "metric" variety:


The SI Police (a division of Interpol) said...

100 km = 62.1ish miles
200 km = 124.2ish miles

Personally, I'm looking for a unit system that will make a 62 km ride sound impressive.

I'm actually one step ahead of this commenter, and am already preparing to capitalize on the appeal of these so-called "woosie centuries" by announcing my own organized "Megalithic 20-Tuple Century."  See, a megalithic yard is an ancient unit of measurement equal to 2.72 feet, so therefore a megalithic century is 272 feet. Furthermore, there are 5280 feet in a mile, so if you ride a single mile you've done almost 20 megalithic centuries.  Best of all, my Megalithic 20-Tuple Century won't require any special road closures, anybody can do it, and the entry fee will be a paltry $350.

Of course, we live in the age of obsessive data-mongering, which means that even the most mundane ride must be socially networked and electronically mapped and video-ed and rendered as wattage and uploaded and so forth.  A Megalithic Century (or multiple thereof) is no different, but if you're a true Neolithic Fred you'll only use period-correct measuring and navigating devices:



This handy cycling henge mounts directly to your cockpit, and you can use it to chart eclipses, solstices, and other celestial phenomena integral to the full enjoyment of a megalithic century.  (By the way, the above image comes from Clonehenge, which is now officially my favorite miniature henge porn site.)

Or, for the Neo-Neolithic Fred who wants to retain that classic feel while enjoying the lighter weight of modern materials, there's always the lateral stiffness and vertical compliance of the S-Works Crabon Henge:


(Close-up of Crabon Henge's high-modulus crabon fiber lay-up.)

The Druids almost certainly would have used crabon fiber technology had it been available for them, as it would have made those monoliths a lot easier to "portage:"


(The underside of the monolith is flattened for easier portaging.)

Plus, they were total tri-geeks:


The fundamental difference between a trilithon and a triathlon is that most trilithons have been standing for thousands of years, whereas most triathletes can't even manage to mount a bicycle without falling down.

I wonder if Nonplussed Bike Industry Person is aware of this fast-growing segment in cycling retail.  I also wonder if she knows the hot new thing in bike product development--hotter even than bottle openers combined with tools, or overly-complicated backpacks, or $500 technical hoodies--is lights.  In case you haven't noticed, entrepreneurs everywhere have been rushing to create the perfect theft-proof and idiot-proof bike light and thus become the Steve Jobs of Blinkies.  What's more, each approach is profoundly different, and some are more promising than others.  For example, there's the "stuff-you-can-already-buy-in-a-hardware-store" approach:


Yes, the secret to the Beacon light is the mysterious and hard-to-find zip tie, and here's the dynamic video:



And here's the pitch in prose form :

We've all done it, locked our bikes in a pile around the old willow tree or onto the gas meter outside the bar. The night's filled with chaos and fun, until it's time to roll home... and your lights have been stolen. 

I was really hoping that those ellipses were going to be followed by "...and the next morning you awake to find your house has been cleaned out by a prostitute."  I was also wondering where people are locking their bikes to old willow trees and gas meters instead of streetsigns and poles--until I read this:

We are raising funds to assist with the expensive costs associated with turning plastic from small pellets into amazing lights! These radical little lights are no more expensive than the silicone blinkers you've been replacing for years and we promise they'll bring you ages of happiness and peace of mind. Best of all, they're made in Canada! 

Well that figures, it's Canada.  I might have known from their nonplussed visages:


Not impressed by the whole zip tie approach?  How about the "spelunking" approach?


Well, plenty of people must like it, because the project has been funded, and here's the video:



Cleverly, instead of utilizing on-the-bike placement, the Torch lighting system is integrated into a helmet and works by giving you a freaky alien head:


I was captivated by the "Blade Runner"/"Terminator"-esque (not to be confused with "Terminator X") ambiance of the promotional video, in which Future Time Warrior stalks a rainy cityscape, looking for the parents who will one day spawn the leader of The Resistance:


By the way, Mario Cipollini fully endorses this helmet for nocturnal cunnilingus.


(Mario Cipollini: Retired cyclist and professional she-lunker.)

The white light on the front of the helmet lets him see what he's doing, and the red light on the back lets others know when the crotch he's servicing is already in use.  Also, the hard shell prevents his head from being crushed between the thighs of a woman in throes of ecstasy, the likes of which she's never experienced.

Of course, few people possess the sexual prowess of the Mario Cipollini, and for them there's the "Apple-esque" approach:


(Funded, and then some.)

If there's two things bikey people can't resist, it's minimalist design and stuff that's made in Brooklyn, and this light boasts both:



It also knows what you're doing at all times:


And it can even warn you when you're being pursued by Future Time Warrior, who will not stop until he's prevented you from reproducing and has thus ensured the Enternal Reign of the Cyborgs.

The only problem here is that, between the artisanal Brooklyn light and the authentically British saddle, you've now got about $400 invested in the easily-stolen region that lies north of your seatpost clamp:


Fortunately the crabon post has probably already seized in the steel frame, making theft in this case highly unlikely.

84 comments:

Anonymous said...

AND THAT'S HOW A LAW BECOMES A BILL!

Chriam said...

WINNER!

Chriam said...

SNAP! Out sprinted!

mikeweb said...

Big Mig!!!

singlespeedwaster said...

Podium! Weedy Podium!

Anonymous said...

Epic!

s said...

Odium, after all that time hunched over my keyboard in an aerobic tuck.

Etherhuffer said...

Booyah

Chriam said...

Snob,

Where's the videos?

Anonymous said...

This post is made by BIKE POWER just like my computer

Anonymous said...

only seconds...

Anonymous said...

Flogged, to no effect.

McFly said...

car back

ken e. said...

chiahenge!

McFly said...

CAR BACK!

McFly said...

it turned off

Guy who lost his pee-pee in the War on Terroreristas said...

That's how a Bill becomes a Billereena ...

SaddleAmericana said...

industrial sound effect soundtrack.

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty!

P. Bateman said...

top monolithic tuple...suck it.

theEel said...

weed.

mikeweb said...

The white light on the front of the helmet lets him see what he's doing, and the red light on the back lets others know when the crotch he's servicing is already in use.  Also, the hard shell prevents his head from being crushed between the thighs of a woman in throes of ecstasy, the likes of which she's never experienced.

I think after a while he had already taken to using a boxing headgear after too many 'clench' injuries. Maybe he should get an endorsement deal, no?

Spokey said...

I've had a motion / ambient light sensor rear light on all my bikes for years. So long ago that I don't remember what I paid for them. But i can replace them for less than 1/2 the price of those. Only down side is they're German so they don't blink. But they do mount on my rear rack with std euro mountings.

P. Bateman said...

additionally, i know something else with a measurement of 9 monolithic tuples that your mom likes.

Kenny Banya said...

"you've now got about $400 invested in the easily-stolen region that lies north of your seatpost clamp"

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

nscadu 9 said...

Terminator X speaks with his hands boy

Anonymous said...

Check out "Yoplait ad early 1990s on yu tube for a humorous look at the Tour de France.

Douce' Bigelow Tibetan Gigolo said...

No fook'in Recumbabe again today ...

Snob! You are risking an attack by a disgruntled Recumbabeista.

We are talking an unchamfered Brooks Everest Power Seat up the old keister.

Tred carefully my friend.

crosspalms said...

"professional she-lunker" made me snort.

What's that sawed-off bike on the mantle behind the nonplussed Canadian light-mongers?

leroy said...

It can't be wrong,
When it feels so right.

Let Cipo
Light up your wife.

(Or not.)

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doug said...

These meatballs are makin' me thirsty!!

Matt said...

Yeah, that helmet lights going to great riding past the pond and along the river at dusk. Hungry? Just open wide and all sorts of six-legged krill will fly right in. Om om om, all crunchy outsides with a chewy center, yum!

Generalissimo Douche' Thought Policia said...

I could be mistaken. But isn't that Recumbabes studded clitoris retainer that 'Big Mig' has slung around his neck in Photo #1?

Buffalo Bill said...

How did Cadel break his duck? Inquiring minds and all that...

Anonymous said...

"There is no clear favourite for this Tour, but the benchmark will be Cadel Evans"

This and the fact that someone shoved a cabrón post into a steel frame are signs enough of the impending apocalypse.

Anonymous said...

IMMODIUM!

Anonymous said...

The kickstarter videos failed to open with the founders standing in a park, with the SF skyline in the background.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cathenge:

http://cheezburger.com/3542365184

McFly said...

Isn't Miguel Intherain from The Canada?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

You're not going to ban recumbents from the Epic Megalithic 20-Tuple Century are you?

Marcel Da Chump said...

The rhythm,
The rebel,
Without a pause
I'm lowering my blinky.

grog said...

I'm too groggy for a megalithic yard, but i could do a cubit with the babe.

Liz Snatch said...

Nobody's post has ever seized in the region above my seat clamp.

Neil said...

Long live the Commonwealth!

PowerRobbingFlex said...

You mustn't trod upon it.

DerZoots said...

Very late and not over 50 yet.
Thurr be some Strooooong wednesday weeds out and aboot.

Weeds.

Scranties.

Anonymous said...

How about measuring your epic rides in fathoms?

Anonymous said...

My favorite today:


(The underside of the monolith is flattened for easier portaging.)

yogisurf said...

Three Stones!

Tommy Chong said...

Stoned Henge....

Tommy Chong said...

Stoned Henge....

Unknown said...

i remember when this blog was still funny.

Anonymous said...

Trop c'est Trop, mother fuckers!

Three dots is AN elipsis.

Three dots here and three dots there ARE elipses.

And just as soon as BGW gets here I will explain the usage of the Aposiopesis...

Apotheosis said...

Terminator X has the best glasses. Where can we get those?

bikesgonewild said...

...my initial response to the 'beacon light' guys was to sue them for their unauthorized use of the ellipsis'ses but i realized that (a) they only have like $3800 canadian metric dollars, a really old selle san marco & not even a whole bike & (b) their stilted english was already an impediment in their quest to raise funds - so - i've decided to (a) magnanimously invest $1000 of spare american money to be used only for public speaking lessons & (b) i'm allowing for unlimited usage of any & all ellipti in their advertising...

...i'll have my lawyer contact their lawyer just as soon as i can spare a $1000...

bikesgonewild said...

...@ anon 3:36pm...that would be hard to fathom...

...just sayin'...

Mike in Dallas said...

http://podcastdownload.npr.org/anon.npr-podcasts/podcast/77/510036/154439663/KERA_154439663.mp3

about 34 minutes into it: "Don't ride your bike in a Tornado."

And not ONE Wizard of Oz reference. Wildcat, you're a Douche-bag!

JB said...

What's wrong with putting your $15 silicone Knog light in your pocket so it doesn't get swiped?

Who funds this crap?!

Dooth said...

Big Mig is Basque. The Basques are the earliest descendants of the Cro-Magnons...(...for bgw...)...so that Herman Munster analogy is ironically un-ironic.

bikesgonewild said...

...dooth...nice... thought you might enjoy this if you haven't already seen it...

...a science article, ironically on yahoo...

Anonymous said...

I like the cheese henge best, although the bouncy trilothon's a close second.

hey nonny mouse

Pie of Putza said...

It was "weird style dick tats" last Thursday. And you didn't link to penis tattoos. I was bummed.

I'm surprised that you seem to pick on Greenfield's odd construction "pie of pizza" but you pull a move like that with words every week if not every day.

And as for The Flying Scotsman it is a prone recumbent, a lovely oxymoron.

And furthermore you didn't write that book about snowsuits or whatever and I thought that you'd be sued for claiming you were the author. But it was funny because it wasn't true!

But forget all that and please tell me that Mismatched and Hairy (and David?) is not just static charge in your synapses. I would buy your wares there!

That Stonehenge stuff reminds me, how is Michael "Duff" McKean doing?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"Interestingly, Indurain's career path follows that of his predecessor Fred Gwynne, who won La Flèche Wallonne in 1951."

You are FUCKING FUNNY, man!!!

Anonymous said...

< And as for The Flying Scotsman it is a prone recumbent, a lovely oxymoron >

I presume that you're referring to Graeme Obree's current project?
Prone, yes, but it's not a recumbent as he's going head-first.

hey nonny mouse

Flinders Pietredish said...

douche' henge

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
lights out...

Anonymous said...

Do you ever worry that Mario is going to find you and, I don't know, oil you up or something?
I mean, She-lunking is pretty funny, but how much can he take. Teasing. Not she-lunking, apparently plenty of that.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMFFeArRrbA&feature=youtu.be

McFly said...

Damn, Big Mig looks like John Turturro and Kramer had a hideous bastard love child. That grew up by a nuclear facility. And ate paint.

JDH said...

Wow! Cippo's she-hunk has an armpit tat! That's gotta hurt.

liz hatch said...

Panties!

liz hatch said...

My panties are easily stolen!

me said...

Great radio interview today with Barbara Dooley in Athens GA. I still can't believe that you talked with her. You did a great job answering her typical questions from someone that never rides and can barely fathom using a bike past age 16. Nice work. Did you get onions yet? haha

g-roc said...

Okay, I'm almost there. My round trip commute is well in excess of a furlong century, so naturally, I take an 8 hour break 1/2 way.

Thrid Douche' from the Bag said...

Actually there is no such thing as a 'metric century'.

A '100 Kilo' would be the correct usage.

Speaking of Kilos ...

are you holding?

crosspalms said...

So a metric century weighs 220 pounds? Or does it last 62-ish years? Or three score and two? (A Lincoln Century -- decent car name there -- lasts four score and ten). My usual commute is a baker's dozen, but I had to do it twice today, so is that a baker's two dozen, or two bakers with a dozen apiece?

Doesn't matter. We could have a ride called The Infinity and before you know it somebody would promote The Double Infinity.

helena said...

A simple twist of the wrist and you can move between the first, second and thrd gears with ease and the chain doesn't move at all Affordable Cruiser Bicycle.


bicycles

bikesgonewild said...

...citroen used to make a car called a 'douche chevaux'...

Cipo said...

Helena!,
Is you wrist supple? Does a simple oscillation of it help me move through first, second and third orgasms and the balls don't move at all Affordable Couchtime Handjob?

Anonymous said...

Link I think you should bike more than blog, looks like you could lose a few fat ass.

Robert said...

Dude that pot with the stone hedges looks awesome.

Lynn Potter said...

My favorite today: (The underside of the monolith is flattened for easier portaging.)

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