Monday, June 4, 2012

Unfit for Life: All Aboard the Pain Train, Next Stop Delusion

Yesterday was a lovely day in Brooklyn, New York.  As usual, I woke up to the sounds of the roosters cockledoodydooing in my chicken coop.  Next, I pulled on my overalls, slopped the cows, milked the pigs, and collected the platypus eggs to bring to the greenmarket.  Then, my chores finished, I decided that I was going to enjoy a ride on a bicycle with those crazy clip-in-style pedals and the curved-type handlebars with the shifters built into the brake levers, because those kinds of bikes can be fun to ride.

There was once a time when, in order to mount such a bicycle, I would have taken great pains to make sure my special stretchy clothes all matched.  Believe it or not, I even "trained" back then--or at least deluded myself into thinking I was riding in such a way that I would eventually get faster.  Now, those days are over, and I've forsaken almost all of the "weird style diktats" to which I once so rigorously adhered.  If I were to name my current on-the-bike style I'd probably go with something like "Mismatched And Hairy," and in fact I'm currently flirting with the idea of opening a cycling café of the same name.  In physics or whatever that kind of science is called (I never made it past Earth Science), they say something like, "All things tend towards chaos."  Similarly, in cycling (at least as I practice it), all things tend towards schlubbiness.

Anyway, there I was, happily pedaling rhombuses through David G. Greenfield's district with one eye open for good places to pee, when I was overtaken by some well-groomed, well-heeled, and matchy-matching riders as well as a gentleman on a Vespa.  It should go without saying that the well-groomed riders did not talk to me, but the Vespa rider did, and at the next light we exchanged pleasantries.  He then invited me to come to Floyd Bennett Field for some motorpacing.  Now, I understand there are people who go in for that sort of thing, but if I wanted to ride around sucking down exhaust on a beautiful Sunday I'd just spend the day "taking the lane" up and down Coney Island Avenue.  Politely I declined, and then he told me I should avail myself of his coaching services, at which point he handed me his card:

It was at this point I realized how profoundly I'd changed, and that I'd now become the sort of sad rider coaches try to solicit--the cycling equivalent of the lonely salesman in the hotel bar being seduced by the local call girl.  Whereas once I looked the part of the racer, now I was clearly an aging and unfit Fred on a vanity bike and teetering on the brink of Lone Wolfitude.

Of course, the truth is that I like it that way, and I'd sooner pay someone to tell me when and how to go to the bathroom than I would to tell me when and how to ride my bike.  Therefore, I tried to explain that he was meowing up the wrong tree, and that my "training" days were long behind me.  Nevertheless, he insisted I could somehow benefit from his services, and when I got home I checked out his website:

(In my case, the answer to every one of these questions is "Fuck no!".)



ARE YOU FRUSTRATED WITH THE SAME OLE’ CYCLING RESULTS?


Have you ever wondered why when you train hard, put in the miles and then get frustrated when you do not see the results you had hoped to achieve.


So we ask;


1. Do you have a training system?
2. Are you training with a purpose?
3. Are you maximizing your potential as a cyclist?


Don’t just ride your bike… train with a purpose by joining CIS Training Systems Cycling Program “The System” today.


CIS Training Systems primary focus is to create cost effective training programs designed for all cycling abilities.

I certainly begrudge no honest person his or her livelihood, and certainly if a coach is providing a service that people appreciate and are willing to pay for then I wish him or her nothing but success.  At the same time, it is my personal belief that if you are "frustrated" with cycling because you because you "do not see the results you had hoped to achieve" that you should quit.  Yes, quit!  Quit like the wind!  This is because the correct answer to the question "Are you maximizing your potential as a cyclist?" is that you have no potential as a cyclist--apart from the potential to disappoint and alienate everybody around you as you fritter away your life in the pursuit of a delusion.

Sure, I was never a very good racer.  In fact, I'm like a call on an iPhone, in that I get dropped pretty much every time.  Nevertheless, I have been riding bikes for awhile, and there's one thing I've learned over the years, which is this:

If you're not getting results, it's because you suck.  And when you suck, you suck.

How you deal with that sucking is up to you, but trust me: you suck.  There's no coach, no wheelset, no plastic frame, and no electronic shifter that's going to change that.  I know this because I sucked when I started, and I still suck now.  Moreover, the same people who sucked when I started still suck too, and many of them employ coaches and use equipment that would make a pro team blush.  I'm not sure why bike racers are so delusional; maybe it's just human nature, or maybe it's uniquely American, since we're raised to believe in that whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" thing.  But while someone from a humble background may be able to parlay lots of hard work into a lucrative career, there's really no cycling equivalent.  You can't pull yourself up by your Sidis.  If you suck, you suck, and that's that.  You can suck expensively with coaches and equipment and entry fees, or you can suck frugally by just racing under your own terms and having fun, or you can stop sucking altogether, quite the whole sucky rat race, and just ride your bike.

Anyway, it's for this reason that I've long abandoned the notion of on-the-bike accomplishment.  But that's not to say I don't still like to get out there and suck in a race once in awhile, or that I don't apply the concept to other areas of my life in which I suck.  For example, as a book author I like to think I'm the equivalent of a mid-pack Cat 4, which is why my idea of literary accomplishment is this, which was forwarded to me by a reader:



See that?  I'm right next to the deodorant!


Yes, travel bag placement doesn't get much more auspicious than the mesh compartment, even if you're almost certainly going to be joined by the dirty underwear on the return trip.  Anyway, it's no West Elm catalogue, but I'll take it, and I'm fully reconciled to--nay, proud of!--the fact that have produced a (barely) prop-worthy book, and that as a competitive cyclist I barely rate as a pity case for enterprising coaches trolling the backstreets of Brooklyn on Vespas.

Speaking of delusion, perhaps the grandest of all cycling delusions--grander even than the "athlete" delusion--is the one that you can somehow revolutionize the commuting bicycle.  Here's a vision for the future of commuting that appeared in the New York Times and was forwarded to me by another reader:


All of these concepts fall under the seems-like-a-great-idea-until-you-think-about-it-for-two-seconds-and-realize-it's-pointless category.  For example, consider this:

Anti-theft handlebars


Here’s an old idea whose time has come again. The bearing system that allows the bike to turn can be locked so that a thief can’t steer his stolen bike. The lock is internal, meaning that he’d have to destroy the bike to ride it away.

Sure, motorcycles have this, so why not bicycles?  Well, because thieves don't care whether or not they can ride the bike away, and they're perfectly happy to destroy it.  If they don't feel like "schlepping" it they'll just take their favorite part of it and leave you to deal with the rest, as I'm all too familiar with:


Anyway, go ahead and leave your bike with its locking steering column sitting outside in a big city for more than 30 seconds and see what happens.  I assure you you're not going to come back to a frustrated thief riding around and around in circles.

Then of course there's the eternal pursuit of the greaseless drivetrain.  Some marketers seem to think if they can create a clean alternative to the chain than the last impediment to cycling will be lifted and the entire population of the United States will abandon their cars and flock to bicycles in clean-legged, chainring tattoo-free droves.  For awhile the pet drivetrain of such marketers was the belt drive, but now apparently it's the shaft drive:

No more greasy chains


An updated shaft drive — which replaces the chain with a rod and internal gear system — would be perfect for urban riders. They’re popular in China right now, but new versions will be lighter and have more sophisticated gearing.

Like the belt drive, the shaft drive concept fails to take into account that you can accomplish all of this with a simple chain guard or chain case.  If it helps to think of it in motor vehicle terms, consider that no motorist cares about all the oily and grimy components in their motor, and that's because they have this thing called a "hood."  This allows them to not see stuff and not touch stuff and to simply bring it to a garage when something goes wrong--which is exactly what the sort of person who's afraid of a little chain grease is going to do with a bicycle with a fully-enclosed chain anyway.

But what about frame materials?  Surely we can do better there:

One-piece plastic and carbon-fiber frames


Plastic frames were tried back in the ’90s, but they were too heavy. The materials and technology have improved. Thermoplastics are cheap and practically impervious to the elements.

Now this makes sense for commuting, since any cyclist knows that crabon fiber frames are exceedingly cheap:

($3,000 doesn't include the coach you'll need to hire to maintain your delusions.)

Whereas everybody knows the metal frames most people commute on now are grossly expensive, incredibly delicate, and melt in the rain.

I'm looking forward to America's ideal commuting future in which we all ride one-piece thermoplastic bicycles with shaft drives in cities with mandatory helmet and airbag laws:



Ah, fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai.

116 comments:

Anonymous said...

manties

Anonymous said...

First time! Hi from Seattle

Anonymous said...

tres

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Manziere

me said...

Top ten again. I might be good in the Tour.

me said...

Top ten again. I might be good in the Tour.

Spokey said...

wahoo! top 10!

All that single malt scotch training plays out! Even though we have to pedal twice as far .

theEel said...

WEED!

SaddleAmericana said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

twentieth! happy Monday

Dingbat said...

Hey how about we just make the siren-seconds-before-you-hit-the-bicyclists legally required? It's as practical as most bike law suggestions, no?

singlespeedwaster said...

Top ten!

Surly Bastard said...

Pain, pain.

Hieronymous Douche' said...

Scored 1st & 3rd as Anon today thus proving 'I Have No Life!'

But what has been proven today is that The Chronic, epo, hgh and a hard erect attentive man-sceptre plus a psychotic desire to rule the world make one capable of almost ...

now what was i saying?

Anonymous said...

15th

cycle

Anonymous said...

15th

cycle

Anonymous said...

Schmodium.

schaughvn said...

snob, you cannot forget the Christini AWD bikes.

http://www.christinibicycles.com/bikes.php

P. Bateman said...

before getting the hyundai, you should really go check out the new Kia optima. it's really a nice, value priced car.

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

I was at Floyd Bennett field yesterday, but only to pee and watch some well dressed folks ride around in circles for a little bit before continuing on my awesomely epic ride around the Rockaways (and a possible glimpse of the Enterprise).

I saw some folks following a scooter at Floyd Bennett, but my dog assured me there were better ways to train. (He says he used to chase scooters, but gave it up because he kept forgetting where he buried them.)

I don't mean to brag, but my dog has agreed to coach me.

I understand the exercise where he throws a ball, I chase it and bring it back. Clearly, that will help with sprinting.

I don't quite understand the exercise where he holds one end of a cord tied to me and I squat.

Oh well, he seems to know what he's doing. And he promises that he's going to post video on something called You-tube, whatever that is.

David Lipscomb said...

The rule of justice, right and virtue in political affairs is a hallucination or dream that will never be realized.

grog said...

The secrets of success:
Buy the book.
Lease a Hyundai.
Take the bus.
Love Recumbabe.

Anonymous said...

Did that crash-dummy's seat nose hit him right in the pants-yabbies? Maybe there should be a saddle-bag as well. Maybe just a full body suit?

Anonymous said...

Mordant wit.

So I was wondering what CIS might stand for, doubting that it was the obvious "Cycling: I Suck" that your post would indicate. Indeed the website provides the answer, which I will not reveal as it is not only safe for work, but utterly similar to work.

Check your usage of awhile. And thanks for not dangling your participles.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the plastic bike. Remember the Itera, solid tyres and all?

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Thank you for freeing me from my delusions of granduer. I shall now feel free to embrace suckage in every area of my life.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Check your spelling. It's cock-a-doodle-do.

All The Black People In Portland Say said...

Who the fuck are these people who wear their dirty chains like a badge of retarded smugness? I surely don't do much more chain cleaning than any other Brooklyn schmoe but I don't walk around with grease stains every day either... Change a rear flat and sure you'll get dirty. Carrying your bike from apartment to street, riding it, carrying it back is NOT a "dirty" process, unless you're a putz.

crosspalms said...

I tried that training system, but it made me so fast I kept breaking the sound barrier and the neighbors called the cops. So I got a Vespa.

mikeweb said...

I'm thinking that cycling and bowling have a lot in common:

Special ugly jerseys? Check.
Special ugly shoes that can't be worn for normal walking? Check.
Different bicycle or ball for different conditions? Check.
Kooky cult movies? Check ("The Big Lebowski" and "Breaking Away")
Coaching services? Check.

Food for thought.

P. W. Herman said...

I won the Tour de France.


I know you are but what am I?

Jefe said...

REI is plugging the wrong book. Where is your agent?

Billy said...

Funny how these marketers love to try to sell us on high-tech greaseless chain "solutions" like the belt drive (remember the disco freakout bike?) or the shaft drive (yeah, it'll shaft you right in the wallet and when you try to take it someplace to get fixed).

And yet you can't buy a bicycle with a full chain case in the US. I thought I could go to America's airbag collar and get one there from Opus, but the chain guard on the Lugano and Nuovella is only on one side. I guess it's something.

Anonymous said...

We should be aware that the second law is a tendency("all things tend towards chaos"). It isn’t dominant immediately in all situations, and importantly, the natural world/universe(s) is not "left to themselves". Many other processes and laws of physics are organizing forces that repel disorder and chaos.

Anonymous said...

Where are these Hyundai leases you keep talking about?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Snobs, you gotta stop falling victim to your book-placement ploy. other companies will keep placing your book within their product in hopes you will mention it and give them a bump.

i wouldn't be surprised if the person who alerted you to the bag isn't the designer him/herself.

Dennis Hopper said...

I Lol'd

Don't forget to put food on the Hoppers table.

Marcel Da Chump said...

I'm super-duper fast at slow riding.

Brian said...

Is that your Saab in the crash test?

wishiwasmerckx said...

I love the fact that the crash test dummy's ears are not cold as the car severs his spinal cord and renders him a quadriplegic.

Some random cyclist said...

Out of the peloton of men who boink my wife, she tells me that I am a mid-packer at best. I need a training system so I can train with a purpose and maximize my potential as a husband.

Anonymous said...

I don't race anymore... I sucked a bit back when and I really suck now... but I have to say motor-pacing was damn fun until the moto owner broke his neck cutting across a bank parking lot.

Buffalo Bill said...

My buddy Wild Bill has been training and showed up for the weekend ride with matching stretchy clothes. He thoroughly schooled me on every hill, an experience that was somewhat new to me.

For a while there, I was thinking: 'Dang, I think Ima have to get me one of them there crabon bikes' but now I think it's easier to just accept the fact that I suck.

McFly said...

My battery went dead in my Sigma ST-1609(tm) Wireless Data Collection Device a while back (now numberless) and I have not fixed it. Apparently its not as important as I thought it was.

PS. I went to spectate at a youth tri this weekend. I tell the boy its an 8 mi bike race he swims to and runs away from. There is lots, LOTS of hot MILF at a youth tri. Butt-Loads.

Anonymous said...

"He then invited me to come to Floyd Bennett Field for some motorpacing."

I'm not sure what he wanted, but tailpipes seemed to be on his mind in more ways than one.

Anonymous said...

Gigantic Tits: God's apology to fat girls.

McFly said...

Mike Web, you may be on something. Onto something I mean.

Doug said...

I don't mind sucking at cycling because I'm doing it for fun, not competition. In fact, according to my FunStrava® app, I'm having more fun than anybody else.

Chriam said...

This is what happens when you turn up the heat too much in a race.

Rock Lititz Bike race - bad wreck in the second race!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5PZfEDnvzM&feature=related

Anonymous said...

What exactly engages that air helmet? I can be pretty herky jerky on the bike and it would be very uncool for that bitch to flair up just because my A.D.D. acts up.

Anonymous said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_law_of_thermodynamics

yet another way of stating that all things in nature tend to a lower state of being...

mikeweb said...

McFly,

I'm always on something. Onto something? Eh, not so much.

And thank you for the "Butt loads of MILF" visual. Almost as good as that Angela Lansbury video a while back.

Tridorkus Erectus said...

My circumcised pee-pee not only has a helmet but it can make it's own cheese!

Take that beeacheezzz!!!

Vegas said...

Doug isn't lying. I've seen tons of his KOW's on there (King of the Woohoohoooo!)

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...not only are you totally correct but your comments were absolutely 'food for thought'...

...now, the only addendum might be that bowling & cycling in denmark have a lot in common but therein lies the thought...what about bowling on both uphill & downhill courses...

...you'd have bowling strength training for the uphill sections where the lanes would be shortened & the downhill sections could be considerably lengthened...

...optimum grade to be determined...

...just sayin'...

g-roc said...

Snob, one of your top posts of the year. I LOL'd, I ROFL'd, I TUALIMM.

RCS 1:28, it's not so much a misspelling, but a different sound all together. Cockledoodydooing - much quieter, kind of gooshy sounding and oh, the horrid smell.

paulb said...

Well, OK, except, never surrender to schlubbiness. Failure/defeat: not synonyms.

Lee said...

THERODYNAMICS!!! And Entropy, to be more specific, Snob, is the answer to your science (non)-question.

bikesgonewild said...

...i think today's post was a form of subterfuge & hidden away amongst the verbiage is both an admission & a serious cry for help...

..."...the cycling equivalent of the lonely salesman in the hotel bar being seduced by the local call girl..."...

...clearly, if one substitutes 'cycling writer/blogger' for "...lonely salesman...", it's rather obvious the quandary bsnyc/rtms/wcrm has faced time & time again on those lonely book signing tours once the fun of the ride & his witty repartee with his fans has subsided...

...left alone, likely in a city with little in the way of 'epic burritos', while he's a celebrity, he's only a man but a man abandoned by his adoring fans at the end of the day...

...i leave you to draw your own conclusions but i'd suggest you not judge harshly...

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

train with the rooster.
place into a traffic cone
it is soup for you

(a haiku about how to kill a rooster. it was spontaneous. I am non-plussed! Spontaneously non-plussed, I guess I'll have to change my coveralls)

Charlie said...

That's why we need a helmet! commuting by bike can be dangerous!

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, sounds like BSNYC is experiencing some existential angst. Rebalancing his Chakras should help.

The Dude said...

Not the Eagles man, I hate the fuckin' Eagles.

le Correcteur said...

Snob! Snob! There's a web site and bike een project that's begging for your insightful satire:

http://mikellandmaria.com/

I found them advertised on the community bulletin board in a Los Angeles Whole Foods! Maybe you can fit that into the whole satirical purview.

Anonymous said...

bgw.... uphill bowling? fnarr....

Thermodynamics?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtEqn-5XHpU

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Shockingly stiff!

Bobby said...

Snob, there's nothing better than hiding major flaws in plain sight. Where should I start with the training regimen linked?

Hell, they even have an acronym for your $125 a month: Minimal Coaching Intervention. You're on your own, cowboy! Thanks for the $125. Send me an e-mail. Brilliant!

Well, almost as brilliant as the EQ assessment sample. Just read it. They should have sampled Pee Wee Herman. Oh, sorry, I see that they did.

Bogusboy said...

Then there's also the fact that the bicycle thief can easily pick up the bike and place it in his nearby vehicle. The motorcycle thief, not so much.

TurbineDog said...

I kinda like that Hovding airbag helmet actually. Just wears as a big collar basically. Apparently you have to charge it up every so often, to keep the MEMs gyros and their motion analysis routines running.

They're conditioned to look for sustained 'wrong' acceleration, indicating a fall or collision, and won't just fire if you're rocking out, or bouncing over pavement. Supposedly they've had two saves so far. Price is a little steep around $500 something.

Cheese Nazi said...

No Cheese For You!

Anonymous said...

check out the video "cycling explained" it explains the delusion beautifully.

Cadel Evans said...

All You Haters Suck My Breakaway

Anonymous said...

no recumbabe today?

Is snob going fag?

Spence said...

I cudda been a contenda

Spence said...

When you're hot you're hot, when you're not you're not!

McFly said...

The frustrated pained face cyclist has a budding set of man boobs and looks a little paunchy, maybe a proper diet would be a better place to start.

MANZ IERE

Anonymous said...

Dear Snobcat Wildrock Bike Machine—Welcome to the Lone Wolf club! Yes, ironically, we have a club. Admittedly, it’s a very obvious irony, but then if we were more worthy, we could come up with a more subtle form of irony to participate in. I am reminded of my ride day before yesterday. when I was riding my single-speed mountain bike—I’m too lazy to change gears—past some meticulously matched and shaven freds on their wannabe racer bikes. They avoided the biggest, steepest hill around. I went right up it. Give me substance over style any day!
BTW, I think Andy Schleck must have read your blog. Or have you undertaken a secret career as his coach and tought him how to Maximize his Potential Suckiness? Now he'll soon have time to look at picture of girls in pink shorts, like this one:
http://youtied.tumblr.com/post/23431781290

Kenny Banya said...

...

Doug Pilgrim said...

We should expand these laws to include a mandatory "Pedestrian Helmet Law". If we can't get the adults at first, then we will start with the children first. Hell, they can't vote. Then lets the law creep till we get everyone. There is already is a real product out there.
http://www.amazon.com/Thudguard-Protective-Safety-Helmet-Lilac/dp/B001PL7QMI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338908820&sr=8-1

Anonymous said...

SAAB BANG

David said...

Embracing my inner suckiness since 1966!

JB said...

I'm flabbergasted that a bunch of bikers would be obsessed with pointing out grammer and spelling errors on a pseudo-cycling blog. Next, you’ll be interested in the type of metal comprising your chain ring bolts instead of actually riding. Wait. Too late.

McFly said...

Aluminum Alloy 7075-T6, I mean um yeah who knows right?

nscadu 9 said...

Wildcat, you suck
but you already know that, great post along with Friday's helmet post

g2webhost said...

i get web mountain bike
Cheap Mountain Bike USA

Quadrilateral said...

You could have used "rhombi"

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Two Girls Teach Sex said...

All in all, another great one in here.

Mikes,
2 Girls Teach Sex

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