Wednesday, June 20, 2012

It's Wednesday: Put That In Your Wind Tunnel and Blow

Sometime during the next few days or weeks or something (I can't be bothered to look up the exact date), the world's greatest bicycle race will begin.  I am referring of course to the Mr. Subb Criterium in Coxsackie, NY, and if you're not thrilled by the prospect of cold cut primes and free drink refills for life for the overall winner then you're obviously made of stone (or stale hero bread, which is the same thing).  Then, a few days after this, there's this stupid Tour de France thing.  Here's my preview, for which I've created a bold and exciting graphic:


(I ran out of space before the "w," so I knocked $15 off my invoice to myself.)

First of all, a little history: the Tour de France is a bike race.  It's very old, and before the bicycle was invented the riders used to compete on cows.  Also, there are four (3) leader's jerseys in the Tour de France, and the rest of the riders must go shirtless, which explains why these jerseys are so coveted.  The route this year is particularly challenging, and here's the parcourse, brought to you by MapQuest Maps--the loser map company:


(MapQuest: for when a mere approximation will do.)

As for the race favorites, they are:

Dmitry Fofonov [Astana]



At age 35, Fofonov is a seasoned veteran who is ideally poised to build upon his 20th place in the 2006 Paris-Nice and finally seize the Grand Tour victory that has always managed to elude him.


Evelyn Stevens [Team Specialized-lululemon]


Evelyn Stevens started racing only four years ago in Central Park, and since then has risen meteorically to the top of the sport, winning this year's La Flèche Wallonne Féminine.  This really has nothing to do with the Tour de France, but if you write about cycling you're supposed to remind people of her story constantly and hold her up as a shining beacon of hope.  I would add to this though that if you're an amateur bike racer you should not be inspired by Evelyn Stevens, because while she may have discovered her huge talent relatively late in life, I promise you do not have that same talent.  Instead, Evelyn Stevens should serve as a powerful reminder that you suck and should quit.


Dmitry Fofonov [Astana]



Have I mentioned Dmitry Fofonov yet?  Because I really think this is going to be his year.

(Also, his last name sounds like wanking.)

Anyway, this whole Tour de France thing ultimately seems wasted on an American audience, since after getting a guy who won it seven times in a row all they seem interested in now is watching him get in trouble for it.  It was always my understanding that in sports you were supposed to be happy when your home team won, but I guess cycling is less like a sport and more like "indie rock," and that you're supposed to turn against your heroes as soon as they become too successful for you to feel special about liking them.

But let's not lose sight of what's really important about the Tour de France, which is of course the equipment the riders will be using.  This is because Freds think that equipment choice is all that stands between them and becoming Evelyn Stevens (well, that having a penis) and so they'll gladly pay stratospheric prices for the mere suggestion of performance gains.  That's why I'm sure Mavic's new Aero CXR-whatevers, which have been getting lots of attention from the cycling media, will be a hot seller in the mid-category ranks.  Here's Mavic's promotional video.



Mavic's stroke of marketing genius here seems to be some sort of stick-on fairing, and tri-geeks in particular will no doubt get all hot in the mankini over these wheels--and all that French wind tunnel porn certainly isn't going to hurt either:


By the way, I'm pretty sure that's the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret doing the modeling, and the gesticulating French guy is assuring him that, for accuracy's sake, he really should take off his pants.

By the way, triathletes are not as "structured" as cyclists:


That's another way of saying they don't know how to ride their bikes.

Anyway, if this promotional video wasn't enough, I was completely sold by the "Bicycling" review:


Especially by this part:

About halfway through our ride, the skies opened and the rains came down. Braking in the wet was as, you might expect from carbon wheels, not great. But, we're confident that Mavic, which has a reputation for creative solutions, will find a way to enhance braking performance on future iterations of the wheels.

I wonder if Mavic's "creative solution" to the poor braking performance will be as creative as the stick-on fairing.  Actually, I think we already know that the "creative solution" is going to come not from Mavic from the bike industry as a whole, and it's going to be road bike disc brakes so your multi-thousand dollar crabon wheels will finally stop as well as your $300 aluminum wheels.  Sadly, that's going to render all these crabon frames and wheels totally obsolete.  I'm actually excited about disc brake road bikes though, since it means the typical amateur racer will officially be clueless as to the operation of every single component of his bicycle, with the possible exception of his power meter.

Speaking of Freds and penises (I was earlier) and Strava (I was yesterday), a reader has sent me a link to Mr. Fred's Phallic Ride:

Note that this is a "recovery" ride, so presumably the phallic shape of his last ride was far more turgid--though hopefully it stopped short of "exploding-penis-itice," as forwarded to me by another reader:


Die drunk driving scum - w4m (Sherman and Brearly)
Date: 2012-06-13, 12:40AM CDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Dear A**hole driving erratically who just threw a beer can at me while I was riding my bike home from a friends house,

I hope you die of exploding-penis-itice. I hope it is very painful and that it spreads to your balls, causing they too, to explode. 

I hope it takes a long time for you to die of this incurable disease and that the unbearable stench keeps your loved ones from comforting you in your final hours of misery.

Love,

The Bike Rider 

Eloquently put.

Meanwhile, speaking of reckless drivers, New York City may be getting speed cameras:


I was a bit dismayed to see a cyclist riding on the sidewalk, but I was unsurprised that the article included quotes from idiots:

Wendell Kornegay, 48, from East New York, Brooklyn, said cameras could never capture the context of a traffic scene as an officer could. “I don’t think it’s fair,” he said, parking his vehicle near Rockefeller Center one day last week as his 1-year-old daughter, Melaine, sat quietly in her car seat. “If a cop was sitting there, you can see if someone was trying to catch the light to clear the intersection.”

If you're wondering why so many people get run over by cars in New York, it's because people like this think speeding up to catch a light is a mitigating circumstance--that and speeding in quiet areas:

Though he acknowledged the difficulty of even approaching 40 m.p.h. on many city streets, Mr. Kornegay wondered whether speeding was truly dangerous along desolate stretches where pedestrian traffic can be minimal at certain hours.

Right, nobody in New York ever gets run down late at night in quiet areas.  He should have his license revoked based on these comments alone.

As for cab drivers, they have to speed for the same reason everyone in this country does stupid and reckless things, which is that people from Wall Street order them to:

Chrishna Sooknanan, 26, a cabdriver from Flatbush, Brooklyn, was among the bus lane offenders, he said. But the speeding legislation presents a more complicated wrinkle: How does a New York City cabby — that avatar of manic roadway efficiency and lead-footedness — tell needy passengers that he is afraid to speed?

“They complain like crazy,” he said of his riders, particularly those who travel from the financial district and Midtown. “They say, ‘You’re going to make me late.’”

Technically, the correct reply to "You're going to make me late" is "You made yourself late," though "Fuck you" is also acceptable.  You could also wish "exploding-penis-itice" on your fare, but you don't want it to actually set in while they're still in your cab.


112 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fingerbang!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

Anonymous said...

Fingerblast!

Anonymous said...

exploding-penis-itice

Anonymous said...

heat wave!

Failed to Read said...

Alto X

theEel said...

WEdnEsDay!

DerZoots said...

Top TEN!
I read it toooooo!

DerZoots said...

And 8th for being here on times!

DerZoots said...

Oh yeah it's wednesdayWeedtimEs.
Blazed.
Haha.

Anonymous said...

Tut tut said Bekräftelse

singlespeedwaster said...

Weed robs me of my place on the podium, and is trying to bump me from the top 10! Oh demon weed!

The King of the Park Slope Food Co-op said...

Those same cabbies that make you late prepare your chutney.

Think about it.

pebes said...

anyone catch the daily show yesterday? samantha bee does this mildly funny new york bit, the beginning of which features a cyclist being killed by a bus. ha ha

Doug said...

When I saw Fofonov at the Dauphiné I said to myself...Wildcat will be mentioning him...with a name like that it was inevitable.

Anonymous said...

Doug = noob.

Fofonov has been an ongoing gag for quite some time.

T said...

There's a Mr. Subb in the USA? The real Mr. Sub needs to sue for such a blatant ripoff.

http://www.mrsub.ca/

Anonymous said...

When you speed up to beat a light, you eliminate the greenhouse gases you would have produced while idling at the red light.

Isn't that obvious? Help me out here, Warren.

Semi-anonymous said...

Ha, funny post. I remember one NYC visit's highpoint of terror being a Saturday a.m. cab ride from Murray Hill to the Met...this guy (Shikh) was on a PB attempt in light traffic, got every green light and delivered our shaking bodies about 3 minutes after we got in. Crazy. I guess he was making up for being stuck in traffic so often.

You never make fun of Murray Hill, wazupwitdat?

wishiwasmerckx said...

So that guy is 48 and has a one year old? Sometimes you New Yorkers fail to realize just how out-of-sync you are with the rhythms of life in the rest of the country. You have babies from your mid-to-late twenty to your mid-thirties.

This poor schlub is going to have his AARP card before that kid totals her first Volvo station wagon at the age of 16.

He will be 70 before she graduates Bard with her Art History degree and moves back in with him.

He will be 80 by the time she finally marries, and by then he will be too old and infirm to walk her down the aisle.

Speed Scranuston said...

Wednesday hack-hack-cough Weed!
Whew, that shit is STRONG!

Pack fodder, or pack bowl?

What to be...what to do...

TTTSWRFFTPTD said...

Next Wednesday's weed.

Doug said...

@anonymous,,,noob is OK. Beats being a troll!

Anonymous said...

No troll posts yet. Warren, where are you we we need you?

Anonymous said...

Sherman and Brearly (w4m post). That's in Madison, WI! We don't have any drunk drivers here....

Фоfonov said...

We all suck so let's just foff off 24/7

grog said...

My cat had exploding-penis-itice.
It got better.

Tour de France is the
tour de force and the
force be with you
and Recumbabe.

McFly said...

You totally missed a sweet opportunity to insert the caption "Draw me like one of your French girls"* under the triathlete in the blue bikini. It IS a bikini me thinks.


*Rose..from the Blockbuster Titanic.

If Evelyn Stevens really wants a penis...well.....

Fofonov said...

i got your shining beacon of hope right here.

Troll said...

This one time...in band camp...I stuck a trumpet in my asshole.

HERO ROLL 2012 said...

Moving to the Mr. Subb blog

Anonymous said...

@ anon 1249,
true. also, braking is heat production. that is why crabon wheals suck my balls. I am huge...for a bike riding biker (2m, 100kg), and I find alot of equipmont with little frenchy stikerz warning me that I am too huge to be riding the little bike part safely.
so I shop the 80s

mikeweb said...

"Mr. Subb - the extra 'b' is for botulism!"

Turtle Dick said...

Penis!

mikeweb said...

wiwm,

I thought you were going to write something in that timeline about changing diapers coming 'full circle'.

Anonymous said...

BS, No one can ever accuse you of being a goodwill ambassador for NYC.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mikeweb, well there's that, too...

PatrickBateman said...

i for one am blown away at the incredible 18 degrees of yaw they were able to achieve with the wheel and tire.

i also hope yaw becomes a new industry buzz word.

you know, i try to explain to people each year that the tour de france is fun to watch and that biking is fun and not gay as they presume, but watching that video has me now thinking that maybe it is as gay as they presume. at least at certain levels of pro/aspiring pro.

Regnad Kcin said...

From "Buy-cycling's" review of the Mavic "wheel system," regarding the matching tires: "The CXR 80 comes with Mavic's Yksion 23mm CXR Grip Link (front) and Power Link (rear) tubular tires. Both models use specific compounds,..."

Really! They use SPECIFIC compounds? they don't just toss old erasers into the tire molds? Wow!

North American Domination said...

Hey T:
Mr. Sub - Check
Stanley Cup - Check
Tim Hortons - soon
After Horton;s the rest of Canada will capitulate and be the 51st state...bwah ha ha ha!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Mavic crabon wagon wheels.

Anonymous said...

The Tour de France: 200 riders, riding 2,000 miles in 21 days in the most visited country on the planet, and all these guys see is the ass of the rider in front of them. Makes me want to sell my Townie, buy a crabon bike, and ride, ride, ride. Scenery be damned.

Anonymous said...

Mr. North American Domination (NAD?)

Check yer map. Last I checked, Canada is already part of North America.

ashcroftchops said...

I once suffered exploding penis itice whilst sat in the front mounted bag on my rather splendid brompton folding bicycle. Rather messy it was as well!

Robert said...

That picture of France made me lol.

Dooth said...

Hmmm...let me try foffin off...that may cure my
penis-itice.

Anonymous said...

Mid-pack fodder..err..foffer...foffonofover

Anonymous said...

Patrick, maybe if cycing IS gay,then watching the ass of the rider in front of you IS better than seeing the French country side, the Eifel Tower, etc. Seriously, bike racing is not about being gay, it's about being neurotic. For amateur cyclists the pay off is all in the mind.

McFly said...

My stupid wife will not let me foff off. Everytime I try she tells me I am doing it wrong and takes over. I have to admit that it's hard to lick my own ballsack, though. You win this one physics.

Anonymous said...

Were the chainrings on the Mavic dork bikes eliptical? Biopace has returned?
Lob help us.

Buffalo Bill said...

So, if I had a case of exploding-penis-itice, I'd be more like Evelyn Stevens. But I'd probably still suck, right?

Capo di tutti Coppi said...

1000% correct about Evlyn Stevens; there's NOTHING 'inspiring' about her story...

And at least Chrstine Thorburn is a medical doctor and not a fucking investment banker.

I'm glad Stevens' found something better to do but both women are genetic anomalies and even in the talent-thin world of women's cycling, they're better than 90% (95% 98%) of us could ever be even the best 'internet coach' in the world.

Invisible Man said...

My theory on the whole speeding thing (expounded with some pomposity here: http://invisiblevisibleman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/am-i-real-to-you-noam-chomsky-and-real.html) is that motorists somehow imagine the laws of physics don't apply to them if they're in a hurry.

It's the only way to explain the conviction that cyclists (who hardly ever kill anyone) are somehow the real menace.

Salty and Sore said...

"bike racing is ... about being neurotic"

I'm rooting for Cadel again, too!!!

leroy said...

As some of us have noticed, today is warmish in NYC.

My dog bet me that it was so hot, that he could fry an egg on my forehead after our ride this morning.

He went through three eggs, but not one came close to frying.

Easiest five bucks I ever made -- even if his check is post-dated and he forgot to sign it.

My dog even conceded I wasn't nearly as dumb as I look.

g-roc said...

Regnad Kcin 2:00 - they use the blue part of the erasers for the front tire and the pink part of the eraser for the back tire, or vice versa, I forget.

Jeffery Dahmer II said...

I have this amazing recipe for Swedish Meatballs. So I'm just about to put the 'big sleep' on Thor Hushovd and I find out he is Norwegian. I mean really ...

Anyone have the home address of Thomas Löfkvist ?

CommieCanuck said...

But, we're confident that Mavic, which has a reputation for creative solutions, will find a way to enhance braking performance on future iterations of the wheels.

Or,like all crabon wheels, the braking is shit and dangerous in the wet. Something to think about while waking up from you coma in a French hopital.
I'm sure future creative solutions will include zee $6000 aluminium rims and using zee crabon wheels for le bike cafe tables.
hwar hwar hwar.

Friendo said...

FOFI NOFF
PNIS ITIS

le Correcteur said...

Did there used to be a difference between the advertising sales part of periodicals and their editorial/news wings? If so, one cannot tell this separation still exists in the Bicycling press release uh news article.

Whores.

CommieCanuck said...

Factoid" Fofonov's bid was funded by fan's fund-raising in an on-line self love marathon last year.

"Foffing off for Fofonov 2011" was a huge success.

crosspalms said...

I think anyone suspected of drunk driving should be made to repeat "Die, drunk driving scum" five times quickly. Cheaper than a breathalyzer and probably as accurate.

Oh, and I want to see video of the cowpoke pre-bike TdF. I'd watch for sure.

JB said...

I'm beginning to notice a commenter that can't be seen seems to find a way to link to his own cyclicing blog every day. Maybe I'd follow the links if they were hyper'd.

Quilled and Lugged said...

JB - I thought we were all trying to ignore him so he will go away eventually. I mean, I have a blog, but I'm sure as hell not going to paste it all over here for you guys to make fun of...

Bobby said...

Monsieur le Canuck!

You are so right. Ze solution is stick ze crabon fairings onto an Open Pro alloy rim. Wow! They can get $5000 for a set of $50 hoops. Bon! Absolutely Fred-licious.

bikesgonewild said...

...so, i couldn't understand what those little frenchie lab rats were saying 'cuz they never learned the english but i think the 'tour of the france' is actually in that big airplaney looking place with the propeller thingys...

...bsnyc/rtms/wcrm map just shows how to get there...

CommieCanuck said...

Don't call it aluminum, zat is what ze beer cans are made of.
Call it "le alloy", it is mysterious.

Listen, charging $5000 for $50 hoops is the second biggest scam to come out of France since they carbonated toilet water and sold it to us for $2 a bottle. The third biggest scam is convincing us that they actually eat snails.

Stoopeed Americahns...hwarhwarhwar

CommieCanuck said...

By the way, everyone who works at Mavic looks exactly like this.

bikesgonewild said...

...so, leroy...do you have "...egg on your face..." because you have egg on your face ???...

Anonymous said...

I may resemble a fred in every way imaginable, but i think my inner Evelyn Stevens is starting to shine through - that's a bit redundant.

Anywho, Evelyn Stevens is pretty. I hope she doesn't have a penis.

-notMikeweb

CommieCanuck said...

Le Roy, it was so hot you started making bets with your dog and hallucinating. Sorry, that's not egg, it's likely just doggy semen.

leroy said...

BGW --

Wait a minute, you don't think my dog is trying to put one over on me, do you?

Tomorrow is going to be even hotter here and he's proposed a double or nothing bet.

leroy said...

Commie --

No way. He rides fixed.

But I did pick a poor morning to turn my commute into a longish ride. The last hour I was a little light-headed. I could have sworn I saw Rob Ford manning a lemonade stand -- talk about mixed emotions.

Fortunately, I was egged on.

WPVelo said...

leroy, your dog is like my dog...

they like eggs-you've been had.

good dog-keeps you thinkin' yo.

wp

WPVelo said...

so give him the money back buy him another dozen and focus on outwitting that pup.

i AM AN EASILY DISTRACTED ENGINE said...

I know this is crass, but I would love to see a video of Liz Hatch in a wind tunnel.

Martin Erzinger said...

So you are telling me that it is not OK to hit a cyclist if I need to run a red light?

Anonymous said...

http://www.livestrong.com/article/387431-the-best-exercises-to-reduce-breast-size/

Is this true?

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...the eggs kinda went over easy today but tomorrow if he brings out the bacon, make a quicksilver dash for the door...

Anonymous said...

"You suck and you should quit." Now those are words to live by. No more of this rah rah ain't life grand Sesame Street bullshit, please!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

See, that's why you don't believe Bicycling's reviews: The wheels suck, cause you can't stop with them, but gee, they're Mavics and we wanna sell them ad space, so you gotta believe us when we tell you they're great, even though they suck.

JDH said...

Fofonov!Heheheheh.

g-roc said...

Fred's will absolutely love the fact that they don't brake worth shit in the rain, because that will give them an excuse to buy a "rain bike" ... which they'll never ride because if it rains take the bus - er, the Lexus.

Rex Chan said...

That wind tunnel looks a bit small: you're only supposed to have 5% blockage by the thing you're testing for a closed type tunnel (of which that looks like). Of course, you can account for this in your CFD, but then you're only making comparative tests (if you get your CFD to match the tunnel data).

ALso, I'm hoping there's a boundary layer suction thing we can't see, cos there's no fence.

McFly said...

Thanks so much for that hard-hitting, indepth cutting-edge TDF Preview. Now I will not have to watch the one on the weird rodeo/hockey channel with the guy that says "spot of bother".

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, sorry I'm late but I was thinking you might write a Tour de France version of "The Ascent of Rum Doodle".

What? You haven't read it? It's a classic. Really.
Read it and then get to work.

Anonymous said...

While you jackasses are busy foffing off Steve Tilford is testing the new DuraAce 11 sp groupo so suck on that.

Anonymous said...

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/the-hump-dar-23.jpg

bikesgonewild said...

...congratulations !!!...i used to respect 'steve tilford'...

...you've turned 'him' into a colossal boorish moron...

...proud of yourself ???...

John Wayne Gacey said...

Jerry Sandusky contact me immediately. Penn State is a 'clown school'? Right! I have work for you that you will surely enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Note to self: ellipsi and italics makes one unboorish.

Billy said...

All this effort on the skinniest part of the bike, but I can't help noticing how wide and unaerodynamic the riders body is. Maybe next they should think about that and maybe put a wind shield or fairing in front of the rider. They could give it a super Aero teardrop shape. Might be easier If the rider was laying down instead of upright...

Oh my lob! I have become a recumbent conspiracy theorist!

Billy said...

Thank you Mr Casual Sociopath Kornegay for explaining exactly why speed cameras are a good idea.

Even better would be speed limiters in cars and speed humps and raised crosswalks in the road that make it physically impossible to speed.

P. Kirby said...

"Wendell Kornegay"? Seriously?! That's a fake name if I've ever heard one. Who the hell names their kid 'Wendell'?

plum said...

VEEVAH LAY TEWER!

Dave said...

ditto re "Ascent of Rum Doodle" - spot of bother to the max!

Anonymous said...

In North Dakota, they have REAL "recovery rides" http://www.mapmyride.com/routes/view/69535946

COCK RIDE

Pat Morgan said...

Drivers are funny!
they should become a cyclist and learn how to enjoy you hours!

Spence said...

I've got your structure!

live sports said...

thanks nice blog

Benly Jion said...

"Wendell Kornegay"? Seriously?! That's a fake name if I've ever heard one. Who the hell names their kid 'Wendell'?
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