Friday, May 11, 2012

Travel Day: Bound for Italy

In a very short while I will be departing London for Italy.  Despite the near-impossibility of finding a meal here that doesn't involve some combination of baked beans and pork products, I'm very fond of London, and I will leave with a heavy heart.  I'll also leave with a heavy wardrobe, since thanks to all the rain my entire wardrobe is waterlogged.

I'm also very fond of Look Mum No Hands, which is where we had my BRA:


Though the gentleman in the helmet looks less than plussed to see me:


You know, "back in the day," if you wanted a new bicycle tire, a quinoa salad with corriander, a beer, an espresso, and a place to watch the Giro d'Italia, you had to go to five different establishments.  Now, all you have to do is go to Look Mum No Hands!


Actually, come to think of it, if you walked into an establishment in most places "back in the day" and asked for four out of five of those things they'd probably tell you to get a haircut, accuse you of being one of those "hummus sexuals," and throw you out.

Yes, these kids today don't know how good they have it, what with their multifaceted bike shops and their normal-length hair and their crazy rock and roll t-shirts:


I don't know who this "Wildcat Rock Machine" is, but I bet he's one of those singers who goes on stage without any pants.

After the ritualistic Stilted Presentation During Which I Perspire Heavily, followed by the Defacement of the Books With a Sharpie (where are Sharpies when you really need them?), I lingered for awhile to enjoy the company, the establishment, and the fine art for which it is famous:


In fact, they even presented me with one of the above posters for myself, which they lashed to my handlebars with rubber bands:


By the way, if you're wondering why I've stopped, I swear it wasn't to steal this person's saddle:


Not only do I already have a very fine saddle of my own, but Eric "The Chamferer" Murray also told me reassuringly that if I ever used another one he'd gut me like a whitefish.

There's a warm, tingly feeling that comes with making lame wisecracks to a roomful of Londoners and then not having them line up to headbutt you in the teeth, and I relished both this feeling and my intact incisors as I rode back to my accommodations.  I even caught myself fantasizing about living in London--though if I were to do so I'd have to affect a swashbuckling persona, start wearing a cape, and also purchase a dagger cane:


When the boutique bike shop café forgets to put the corriander in your quinoa salad, nothing conveys your profound dissatisfaction like the gleaming blade of a dagger cane.

I even enjoyed riding in London, though there are certain things that remain mysterious to me.  For example, why do they make the cyclists ride with the buses?


In fact, the lit sign that I'm too incompetent to photograph legibly is ordering "cycles, buses, and taxis" to ride together:


Where I come from, buses and taxis are the last vehicles you want to ride with, and taxi drivers and bus drivers seem to have an unspoken agreement to make every collaborative effort to squash cyclists into panini.

Then again, I suppose all you have to do in London is brandish your dagger cane and everybody gives you the space you need.

With that, I am off to Italy for the fullest of bike days, Full Bike Day, where I will speak on Sunday, May 13th:

 

In case you're wondering, I will not be seeing the Giro, because I believe this weekend the Giro will be somewhere around here:


Whereas I will be somewhere around here:



Fittingly, I'll be the piece of gum stuck to Italy's heel.

115 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whoa. Late night podium for me. See ya'll in the A.M.

McFly said...

dammit

McFly said...

double dip. suck it.

McFly said...

Why the hell would "The Joy of Cycling" involve licking the damn tire? It's not even a tubular. Which are delicious, by the way.

Anonymous said...

Twat waffles

bikesgonewild said...

...move over, mcfly...i'm claiming a step...

Andrew said...

I'm pretty sure "ride with the buses" in English mafia slang.

Dale said...

Top ten!!!!

cyclotourist said...

ITAL YGUM

Gary the Fisher said...

I bought an umbrella at that shop last summer...After going to Look ma...we run in narrow tracks

Murph said...

Top 11, sponsored by Greenwich Mean Time and pork pies.

O'Bastard said...

Dammit, I want one of those shirts.

Anonymous said...

The unspoken agreement between taxi drivers and bus drivers is universal, but in London it's actively supported by the local traffic planners.

ce said...

This could go two ways: either Cipo's loyal, all female pitchfork mob is awaiting Snob at the airport as if he were Lyle Lanley landing at North Haverbrook , or he'll make it to Full Bike Day unscathed and have a great time, because if anyone is "full of it", it's Snob. The second scenario is more likely than you'd think, given that most days there is a fair chance Cipo and his girls will be preoccupied at a pool party at Silvio Berlusconi's mansion.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for stopping by. Good to finally meet the man behind all the pants yabby jokes.

Cycling Squirrel said...

@anon 3:20

Those were jokes?

Contador said...

Top 20, better than another DNF

Anonymous said...

easy to break away from the middle of the pack with a five time zone head start.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Top 20?


Woo h... aw fuckit.

BenGreen said...

http://io9.com/5909391/meet-calvin-the-calico-lobster-a-1+in+30+million-specimen

timsfuelapocalypse said...

Its still jank

mikeweb said...

That's what I get for going to bed on time.

Anonymous said...

Is that a dagger cane in....never mind...too sophomoric even for this

Anonymous said...

Morning all.

cycle

DerZoots said...

Italy has a heel?

Anonymous said...

[..]why do they make the cyclists ride with the buses?

Making common bus/taxi/bicycle lanes is one of the (probably _the_) cheapest way of promoting non-car travel through a city. It tells people "get rid of the car, hop on a bus, taxi or a bike, and you could have your own free lane". It leverages the existing infrastructure in a very efficient way. Dedicated bike lanes are not always easy to make room for in an old city with weird-shaped streets. And most European cities are like that.

Now, granted, taxi and bus drivers are not the ideal road companions for cyclists... but they're mostly being kept in check. I'm not saying there are no stupid outbursts from some of them, but usually they're dealt with harshly.

mikeweb said...

WCRM,

A little viddy on the proper use of a dagger cane.

You can always select a different soundtrack if you'd like.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That poster is damn hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Travel panties!

Blog Drafter said...

Great post, very funny. I thought the quinoa salad with corriander bit was a joke at first but realized such things are probably de rigueur these days. Both ladies managed not to make boob-to-chest-contact, though, free t-shirt or not.

Buffalo Bill said...

I imagine one must be careful to portage ones daggercane in a safe manner. The same would apply for swordsticks, of course.

Captain Hardbread said...

oh boy you should have seen the salmon on the corner of Prince and W'bway I thought it was Elton John
he Jumped out the water (foot retention) for fear of being run over be me or the 3 ton truck next to me! yikes

JB said...

Quiz?

Anonymous said...

Least you got to hang out and drink a pint with some bra attendees.

Woulda be cool if the RCC had keg, a beer sponsor, beers to purchase: beer.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Gonna be a great day...both Nobr Akes and Letle Virida have new albums released today!

Wes said...

You were in Birmingham? I don't blame you for leaving in a hurry but you could have called. You would have been able to see my cool whip, fierce cheese, maybe even ride it. Hell, I'll swap it for a book, any book, even one on cycling.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of being without pants, the best singersare not afraid to show their panties. Long live Lily ALlen!!

Anonymous said...

The Joy of Cycling!?

That is so effed up. It's giving me nightmares! Junior High sneak a peek "oh-my-gawd-what-am-I-looking-at" nightmares.
Sick,sick, puppies. Shame on you.

Cipo said...

WRM, there's no need to feel down cos' you're in a new town.
There's a place you can go when you're short on your dough.

Anonymous said...

The Joy of Cycling sign says "Use protection" by the pic of a bloke donning a helmet. Well, we all know what the word "protection" euphemises, thus suggesting a new term for the somewhat hackneyed "helment": "cranium condom," as in "Safe cycling requires a cranium condom!" Then, too, a helmet is a strap-on of sorts, which must mean something, but I'll let more enlightened minds ponder just what.

hillier99 said...

Yikes! Rolling across the line almost 12 hours after the winner. I guess I was saving myself for the next stage.

theEel said...

GIRO WEED

Anonymous said...

No matter what Eric says, that's still a butt-ugly seat.

Anonymous said...

What's the diff between a sword stick and a dagger cane? Does one come with a holster for attaching to a fixie? Better yet, an artisanal holster?

Anonymous said...

Can you cycle without a beard, in London Town?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Does David Byrne know Londoners don't sleep in the daytime anymore?

jno62 said...

I'm liking these posts showing up so early on the great Left Coast.

Can we stick with this time frame Snob? It's working for me!

SaddleAmericana said...

ooooh.....artisanal holsters for fixies?! sign me up!

Anonymous said...

wCRM is substitutung the quiz with an essay. for full credit, one must ignore the suggested bus bike share lane topic, and go with more epic fare.

ESAY QUES
NOQU IZYO

Anonymous said...

Light blue fork crown, bar end shifters, canti brakes, drop bars. Were you riding one of these perhaps?

http://surlybikes.com/bikes/cross_check

RB1 said...

when they say 'corriander' , they mean 'cillantro'

but quinoa is gross, with or without garnish

Jasper said...

JB said...

Quiz?

I think the poor guy has forgotten what day it is - he probably catapulted from Thursday to Saturday in those different time zones...

hillier99 - your doors are not so early neither, eh?

Give me a swordstick over a dagger cane any day. The difference is that one has a sword in it, and one has a dagger. Figures, no?

crosspalms said...

I like it that your Italian publisher's logo is a guy on a recumbent. Also that they think you have a middle name other than Snob. Puglia's lovely -- enjoy!

Anonymous said...

London and now italy. sweet gig wildcat. did you nail any chicks in london, they love americans ther.

Anonymous said...

Just watched a video last night about the band Cream. A wild eyed Ginger Baker recounts throwing a dagger cane at a journalist. Or maybe it was a sword cane.

Anonymous said...

Before Ginger Baker was a rock drummer, he was a jazz drummer, and before that a serious cyclist with plans to go professional. This was back in the fifties I believe.

Can anyone shed more light on this?

Freaky Friday said...

If a quiz makes you quizzical, what does a test make you?

McFly said...

Stupid feeling

Quilled and Lugged said...

@Anonymous said...

Before Ginger Baker was a rock drummer, he was a jazz drummer, and before that a serious cyclist with plans to go professional. This was back in the fifties I believe.

Can anyone shed more light on this?


Let's just wait for bgw to surface. I put big money on him having some info on this one, it seems right up his street...

Anonymous said...

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because all that s%&t wouldn't fit in a sneaker.

Q: How do you tell the Bride at an Italian wedding?

A: She's the one you don't punch in the face.

leroy said...

If I told my dog to heel while riding near Italy's boot, he'd wind up in the Adriatic. Of course, he always heels when he rides. He simply won't pull.

Artisanal Pain said...

Quizcycle Answer:

A Testy Cyclist

No tongue unguent

Can cure.

yogisurf said...

And if you salmon in London, at lease your are on the right side of the street.

leroy said...

Quilled & Lugged --

"Disraeli Gears" comes from a botched reference to deraileurs.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Good on you, bloke. we are all proud of you.

mikeweb said...

Peter Edward Baker was born on August 19, 1939, in a working-class neighbourhood of London. The son of a bricklayer, Baker was four years old when his father was killed in World War Two. As a kid, Baker had a single dream: to compete in the Tour de France. He rode his bike for mile after mile, pushing himself to prepare for the gruelling marathon. "I was a good fucking cyclist because of my build -- tall and thin," Baker recalls. But on a rainy day in 1956, as he raced across town, a taxi threw the 16-year-old, crushing his bicycle. Not long after, at a party, Baker's friends dared him to sit at the drums. He was a natural.

From this article.

Quilled and Lugged said...

leroy said...

"Disraeli Gears" comes from a botched reference to deraileurs.

Like Reservoir Dogs then?
What does your hound say to that?

Salty and Sore said...

@anon 11:11-

uhhh... you've never heard of "helmet"s before?

Unknown said...

Good to meet you yesterday Snobby. Thanks for entertaining the folk at LMNH, we had a blast.

McFly said...

Is it me or that dude in the top left of the "Joys of Cycling" poster giving it to that lady from a compromising position? Talk about meeting new partners.

McFly said...

Is it me or "IS" that dude.....the original draft has a completely different context.

Anonymous said...

Hot chick.

Anonymous said...

"...not having them line up to headbutt you in the teeth...."

Of course not, you were in London. It's called a Glasgow Kiss for a reason.....

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

McFly... perhaps I just don't get your comments but it seems to me you're missing a key early 70s pop culture reference (which is odd as you list your age as 38). Try a Google image search for "The Joy of Sex" and then look again at the "The Joy of Cycling" poster.

McFly said...

Dammit, I have some deleting to do. I usually get stuff. I am slipping. My apologies.

McFly said...

In my defense I was only like, 2 in the early seventies.

McFly said...

I vaguely remember something but cannot find it, someone post a link. If there is a chance there are some pervs on this blog, highly unlikely.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford had a run-in with the law. He about got hauled in on an 831. Unlawful removal of mulberries.

Quilled and Lugged said...

McFly, don't feel so bad - it sounds like you never needed to refer to a book about sex...

DerZoots said...

I thought an 831 was a Mulberry down.
Shit is weird out in the Kansas.

Taylor Negron said...

"El Joyo del Sexo"...which Rodney Dangerfield movie?

Friday Fun Quiz bonus.

Taylor Negron said...

"El Joyo del Sexo"...which Rodney Dangerfield movie?

Friday Fun Quiz bonus.

McFly said...

Snob did you forget something in London? At the olympics stadium? Rhymes with aplomb? I can't say it or they will flag us.

Anonymous said...

Bromont loves him a creek he does.

Il Douchee' said...

prosciutto provolone panties

Turd Turd from the Son said...

I have an immense boner.

3773.429 on the Cippolini hardness scale it is!

Salmon P. Douche' said...

***SUSPICION CONFIRMED***


Maurice Sendak of 'Where the Wild Things Are' fame and BSnyc serial poster 'Commie Cannuk' are one and the same!

Since Sendak's passing a few days back CC has not posted thereby confiring my long held suspicions.

Anonymous said...

Here in Paris, many of our bike routes are in shared lanes with buses and taxis and it works extremely well. *Usually* they are the safest on the road. The buses even have a special bell that they ring when passing. In the last two years I've only had 1 bad incident with a taxi and I ride nearly every day.

That said, friends who cycle daily in London tell me very different experiences with the buses and taxis. It's surprising since I generally think of Brits as much more courteous drivers than the French.

My London cyclist friends all complain about being driven into the curb by buses and taxis, especially while cycling through The City.

In Paris the worst drivers by far are 99.9% not Parisian drivers, but those from the 'burbs. They're easily identified with their non "75" plates. That and the terrified look in their eyes that lets you know they're no longer in the 'burbs.

bikesgonewild said...

...ehhh, theese a' blog-a site, she's a not a so hard to afollow even ifa the snoba, he'sa een italia...

...maybe i a learn italiano een a my sleepa...

...ciao...

leroy said...

Quilled & Lugged --

It's weird because my dog always confuses Au Revoir Les Enfants and Straw Dogs too.

I wonder if Jerry Lewis is big in Italy.

Ride safe all! (I don't mean to brag, but I'll ride tomorrow for part of the day through an Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn. It's a half bike day because my dog says my riding is half biked. At least it sounded like he said half biked.)

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Babe Winkleman said...

Junior Seau's mummified shrunken head $1,000,000.00

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the Scooter said...

Holy cow!
That huckelberry speaks Italian?!

Anonymous said...

Leroy, is your dog South African?

hif biked...

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Tilly's post for may 12th is a very nice piece. Stirred my soul.

McFly said...

Leroy,
I hear Cipo is big in Italy.

Spence said...

Good luck with your Fool Bike Day

Wes said...

100.

Hackney Bikeworkshop said...

If you are still in Italy then you should attend Ciemmona in Rome http://www.ciemmona.org/en/

Hackney Bikeworkshop said...

If you are still in Italy then you should attend Ciemmona in Rome we had 10,0000 bikes on the street last year http://www.ciemmona.org/en/

Bill Nye said...

I do not think that is a legitimate number.

Frederico LeDouche'bag said...

****EXCLUSIVE PHOTO****


Snob in drag in italia ...

http://www.pezcyclingnews.com/cgi/gallerypicget.asp?pic=http://www.pezcyclingnews.com/photos/babes/babes12/giro12-miss9.jpg

Cipo said...

Happy Mother's Day

(awkward silence, a pregnant pause if you will)

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Italy looks alright.

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