Monday, May 7, 2012

I Wanna Be A-Doored: Getting it Backwards Down Under

If you're reading this in an English-speaking country, it's probably Monday.  Of course, the exception to this is Australia, where due to the time difference it's been Monday for like three days now.  The Australian media has been using this time difference to great effect too, for they've gotten a great big head start on the rest of the world's Anglophones at being complete and utter morons as far as cycling is concerned.

Now, from time to time I get emails from people in Australia.  Usually, it's safe to ignore them, since they're generally just unsolicited outbursts of Australian jingoism along the lines of "I love kangaroos and Paul Hogan;" "The guy from the Fyxomatussin website took another picture of a bike;" or "Cadel Evans has won the Tour de France."  (Seriously, Cadel Evans winning the Tour de France?!?  Not in this lifetime!)  However, once in awhile more than one Australian will email me on the same subject, and that's when I know I should actually pay attention.  That's what happened this morning (or three days from now if you're in Australia) when a number of people (two, I think) alerted me to this morning show segment that was broadcast on ABC:


ABC is apparently the Australian national broadcaster, though judging from this segment it's what would happen if the BBC and Rupert Murdoch were to get drunk and conceive a child out of wedlock.  The story is about a campaign to increase the fines on motorists who "door" cyclists in Melbourne, and in it a reporter interviews Gary Brennan of the Bicycle Network Victoria;


At one point during the interview, the reporter asks:

"Are you worried that by increasing penalties that might be sending a message that it's always the motorist's fault?"

To which Mr. Brennan replies:

"Well it is always the motorist's fault.  The law makes no allowances for drivers in this case.  If you open a door into the path of a rider it's always your fault."

Simple enough.  You fling a car door open without looking and somebody hits it, it's your fault.  Sounds right to me.  However, shortly after that they cut back to the studio, and that's when these idiots once again prove that the movie "Anchorman" was indeed a documentary and that TV talking heads are vapid numbskulls who should never, ever be allowed to say anything that isn't written down for them beforehand:


"Just to even the ledger up a tiny, weensy bit," says the Bruce on the left while making a crushing-your-head motion, "Did I hear him say it's always the motorist's fault or is my hearing failing?"


"No, we both heard that," replies the Bruce on the right smugly.

"It's not the case," declares Bruce on the left.

"I would say that you probably need to take that comment with a little bit of caution," ejaculates the Bruce on the right moronically.

"A sackload of salt, not just a grain," quips left Bruce, and then goes on about how "...we've all seen our fair share of reckless cyclists as well so I think it's very unfair to purely blame motorists 100% of the time."

"More education and more awareness on both sides is what's needed," quips the Bruce on the right, making it clear that she has no firsthand experience with either.

Right, we've all seen our fair share of reckless cyclists who ride into opening car doors on purpose.  If anything, it's probably the reckless cyclists who don't get doored, since when you're salmoning the door angle works in your favor.  Actually, as a cyclist and as a driver, it's very difficult for me to envision a situation in which a cyclist could possibly be at fault in the event of a dooring.  I suppose if a cyclist were actually riding in your private driveway you might have a case, but other than that it's on you.

Of course, because some cyclists are too stupid to fasten a quick release skewer properly, the law punishes the rest of us by requiring our fork dropouts to have safety tabs.  Given this, and given the fact that so many motorists are obviously too stupid to open their car doors properly, shouldn't there at least be some sort of "door safety tab" that requires a step beyond simply pulling the door handle?  Like, maybe you could pull the handle, the door would only open an inch, and then you'd have to pull it again.  Or, maybe all cars need to be outfitted with sliding minivan-style doors.  Sure, people would still exit their cars without looking, but in that case at least we'd hit them instead.  Not only are people softer than doors, but also maybe that way they'd finally start getting the message.

Sadly, I don't see any of this happening any time soon, and in Australia and elsewhere I'm sure moronic motorists will keep flinging their doors open heedlessly and treating doorings as an irritating natural inevitability, like "bird strikes" on airplanes.  They'll also maintain that the real problem is that cyclists are reckless, and that the solution to all cycling-related problems is to make cyclists wear helmets.

Speaking of helmets, a reader recently forwarded me the following apology published by Bicycle Indiana:


We apologize for our error


Please accept our apology for the picture displayed at the close of the May 2012 E-News. This image was a stock photo of a family bicycling.  The use of this image in Bicycle Indiana's e-news was the wrong choice because none of the riders are wearing bicycle helmets. We understand that our members expect Bicycle Indiana to lead by example. Bicycle Indiana recommends and encourages helmet use for all bicyclists and the image displayed provided the incorrect perception that we endorse riding a bicycle without a helmet. We will be more judicious in our choices in the future. 


Oh no!  A family enjoying their bicycles while not wearing helmets?!?  They're all going to die!!!

Fortunately though, Bicycle Indiana addressed the problem via the judicious application of Photoshop:


In the smug world of bike advocacy, a helmetless rider is the equivalent of a "nip slip" on the Disney Channel.  Yet in the world of triathlon, it's perfectly acceptable to ride around while steeping in your own urine, as in this "how to" that was forwarded to me by another reader:


Here's why, if you're a triathlete, you'e supposed to go pee-pee all over yourself while riding:

He always made a point that this “natural process” is as important as quick transitions in a race, since if you have to go and CAN’T, you are either going to be miserable, or have to stop. If you stop, you’ll want to stop at an approved place as you may be penalized and have minutes added to your time if you don’t. I don’t care if you are FOP, MOP or BOP – minutes are minutes, and minutes are the enemy!

The first problem with this is that, if you're participating in a triathlon, you're going to be miserable anyway, so really, what's the difference?  Also, if triathletes urinate as smoothly as they transition then it must be a staccato affair indeed:



Really, the urinary equivalent of a triathlon transition would be this.

Anyway, if you're a triathlete looking to shave a handful of seconds off of the five minutes you lost trying to figure out how your clipless pedals work, here's how you do it:

The key to letting it all go is a downhill slope, relaxation, and a carefree attitude.

Unfortunately, if you're a triathlete, there's no way you could possibly have a relaxed and carefree attitude, so you may have to hold it in after all.  Also, triathletes apparently urinate in packs just like they ride in packs--heedlessly, unpredictably, and inconsiderately:

Also, don’t worry about other people behind you. Once they realize what is happening, they will get out of the way very quickly.

Then, afterwards, they start bragging about their "personal bests:"

Let me also say that after doing it once, it becomes so much easier to do it again. At Wildflower, I peed at miles 40 and 45! At IMLP, I simply lost count.

To him that might be a personal best, but I believe the clinical term for that is "incontinence."

Of course, by this point you may be wondering why they just don't pee in the water during the swimming part, but applying logic to an event as absurd as a triathlon is like trying to apply a sticker to an oily surface.

Lastly, speaking of maximizing performance, you may recall Tyler Hamilton's allegations regarding "lunch bags" and the US Postal Service cycling team:

The best cyclists received white lunch bags filled with the blood-booster EPO, human growth hormone and testosterone from team doctors who handed them out casually, as if those bags contained sandwiches and juice boxes. 

Well, regardless of what you think of Hamilton's claims it's clear that the Postal Services recognizes the demand for easy substance "portaging," because now you can purchase this smart insulated lunch cooler instead:



Forget those boring, brown paper bags. Take your lunch to go in a new, reusable postal lunch cooler. Simply add an ice pack to prevent spoilage. This lunch bag protects against leaks with a 100% waterproof lining. These reusable coolers also feature a zipper closure and a Royal blue design with a horizontal white Postal logo. Ships USPS. 


Just be sure to ask for the "soigneur's discount."

115 comments:

Gaffer Smythe said...

narc

dcdouglas said...

podium?

Billy said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Australia sure seems to have a lot of laws.

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!

mikeweb said...

An 'anonymous-free' podium today?

AND no podium pissing - er, I mean peeing??

w said...

Top ten!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Man at "Work" said...

I come from a land down under, where people door and news anchors blunder

Anonymous said...

Kant reed

McFly said...

I was in pink for a bit....

Anonymous said...

Peed off

mikeweb said...

In that Aussie news report there's leaves all over the ground like it's Autumn or something. WTF!

Jasper said...

Is your name not Bruce?

Anonymous said...

WELCOME TO HELL.

Anonymous said...

top 10 again!

wishiwasmerckx said...

And here I thought "Golden Shower" was an indoor sport. Yet another reason to hate Triatheletes. Next thing you know, they will expect you to swerve your bike to avoid their airborne ejaculate, and don't even get me started about tampons.

McFly said...

HOT MILF SIGHTING WITH OPTIONAL FAKE HEMLET! Q: If she fakes that, what ELSE will she fake? A: Who gives a rat's ass.

Flambullient said...

"FOP, MOP or BOP" ? WTF - are these triathletes or bunny rabbits?

jno62 said...

You had me with the opening paragraph Snobby! Well done.

Chriam said...

Feel free to tell ABC Australia and the anchors what idiots they are here: http://www.abc.net.au/contact/complain.htm

Anonymous said...

whatt?

Anonymous said...

I was doored once, outside a whole fewds. the lady had her door bent forwards, ruining the front fender and of course a bunch of plastic bits that pass for car bits these days.

my gosh, was she pissed! the cop came, informed her it was her fault, and I was on my merry way.

I was in a truck.

LOOK FRST

Bikeguy said...

To him that might be a personal best, but I believe the clinical term for that is "incontinence."

LOLed.

Keep telling it like it is.

Michael Baldwin said...

No it's Michael

mikeweb said...

As I believe was mentioned here before, in Netherlands (and other cycling enlightened places) during drivers Ed classes, drivers and passengers are taught to open the door with their "off" hand: left hand for right doors, and vice versa. This means that you have to turn your body so you're almost forced to look behind as you open the door.

But as we know, in most countries anything that requires any extra effort what so ever, even if it's to prevent potential loss of life, is met with anger and derision.

Anonymous said...

Snob rants are the bestest rants of all.

Anonymous said...

just returned from a trip to Old Amsterdam. funny thing is that almost no one there wears a helmet and a conservative estimate by me is that about 70% of people commute there daily by bike. true every street there has a bike lane but they have to deal with to deal with narrow cobble stone streets that they share with lots of cars and pedestrians and it seems to work for them. Given that so many people ride bikes there, cyclists are given priority over cars as techncially is the case here in many instances, the difference there is that cars seem to know and respect that. The answer here seems to be that you need to wear a helmet to protect yourself from ignorant and careless drivers.

Billy said...

@mikeweb: Too busy pissing myself and fumbling the transition at the FOP to read the article or make any context-relevant jokes.

RB1 said...

I think they call the Bruce on the right a 'Sheila' .

David Moulton said...

“Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine”

Anonymous said...

You misspelled helment a bunch of times.

Tridorkus Erectus said...

Dear Snob,

Thank you for not mentioning in-event triatheletic no. 2 evacuation procedures.

Anonymous said...

Actually triathletes do pee in the water - it's the best way to warm up your wetsuit before (and during) a chilly swim. I always wonder why the wetsuit stripping is the first volunteer position to fill up...
Still, it's not as bad as Bob Roll having to launch a deuce at the side of the road on the Tour next to a family picnicking.

Charles Manson said...

so tell me one more time please ...

How do I know when and if I am insane?

singlespeedwaster said...

Peeing out the back of the Top 40! Woo hoo hoo

Anonymous said...

panties!

Anonymous said...

Cycling is a gentleman's sport (everyone agrees to stop and pee or not race off if the leader's taking a leak). Triathalons are well...pee for yourself.

SaddleAmericana said...

"Triathlons may be fun," she quipped.
"If you like pee pee and hate clipless pedals," he sardonically replied.
"Just leave me with the biking," she interjected, "and you can keep your swimming in speedos and pissing all over the place."
"Yeah, I think you're right," he finally agreed.

Foffinoff said...

Can never get enough Triathlon porn! And that sprinkler slo-mo could not paint a better visual of trying to pee in one of those front mount pee tube reservoirs from last week. Just piss spraying everywhere I'm sure. Although probably better than chocolate rain.....

Jed said...

Pooping in my bibs.

Jasper said...

Michael Baldwin said...

No it's Michael

Mind if we call you Bruce to keep it clear?

Cipo said...

Have I ever mentioned acheiving a No. 3 mid triathlon?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRqjDmm5qvg

Buffalo Bill said...

My problem is I never know when I'm FOP, MOP or BOP. Can I get some guidance on this?

Jed said...

Recently saw a video of a NYC messenger who has perfected the art of reaching forward and slamming the door back on anyone about to door him. The video has a clip of his technique in action. I think he even caught a canckle in there. If that badassery doesn't make you smile, nothing will. Couldn't locate the link, but I think it was on AHTBM.

McFly said...

MILFSUCKLE INDIANA! I would door that hot blonde so hard just to perform mouth to mouth on her. Or something to mouth. Not too hard though because I do not want to cross over into Necrophilia...that could damage my rep.

etherhuffer said...

If Australians are down under, and pee during a triathalon, does it run up their legs and drip off the tops of their heads? And which way does the pee rotate in the crapper on the way down?

Anonymous said...

Well then, I have peed on my bike. The right drop to be exact. Whoops...

CommieCanuck said...

Well...I actually agree with Crocodile Dumbee.

I've seen bike messengers pass a cab on the right between the car and the curb, then bitch about getting doored. Cab stops near curb -what could happen?

CROCodile 'Bubba' said...

You have your fried yabbies, broiled yabbies, cajun yabbies, yabbi kabobs, creamed yabbies, boiled yabbies, yabbies in a blanket, bar-b-que yabbies, yabbies scampi ...

CommieCanuck said...

That vid of the try athletes was likely made using Benny Hillifier, the awesome site that can make any video have a Benny Hill soundtrack.

http://bennyhillifier.com/

Tom Purvis said...

The fault of the driver in dooring a rider may have one loophole. Dark street, rider with no light. I did this to a rider once. I always check the rearview, there was no way to see this dude coming. Felt terrible. He said it was no problem and rode off, then I found out my door wouldn't close. $500 to the body shop. Priceless.

"... and I don't want to catch anybody not drinking."

Anonymous said...

SRSLY?

http://antidooring.org/

Downtown Hotel said...

@ Tridorkus -
"Thank you for not mentioning in-event triatheletic no. 2 evacuation procedures."

I always wondered why some bike seats have a split running down the middle...

Anonymous said...

Front of Pack
Middle of Pack
Back of Pack

That's all the tridork I know.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I pee freely!

crosspalms said...

Official planet of triathlons: Urine-us

Anonymous said...

Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth, incontinent ...

grog said...

No coverage of the great 5-boro bike tour? Wee-wee sir snob.

broomie said...

I don't see how this is worse than having a domestique hold his hat for you to crap in.

Anonymous said...

commiecannuck,

in that case the car driver / passenger is still at fault. at least in nyc:

RCNY 4-12(c) It is illegal to get out of a vehicle in a manner which endangers cyclists. Also, generally bikes are required to ride as far to the right as safely possible (although not legally in NYC) so if a cab drops a passenger off from the road which is almost always the case here you will still be between the cab and the curb. bottom line dooring is always the fault of the car no the cyclist except maybe in the case where the cyclist is riding on the sidewalk and maybe gets doored.

Doorhicular Cyclist said...

TAKE THE DOOR!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Drop an anchor on those Aussie anchors.

DerZoots said...

@grog.
It's the same thing every year.
What is there to cover?
Or were you hoping Snob saw your neat-o costume and would comment on it?
If so, that is a valid aspiration.

Next year you should park along the route with a bunch of Australians and start dooring. That may garner the attention desired. NYPD would even assist a few times I bet. Then they would turn on you and break your legs as you "resisted" arrest in handcuffs.
Definitely making the papers.

crosspalms said...

As a recent door-ee, I'm proud to say I was wearing a helmet, although it was not on my right thigh (bruise) or left knee (scrape), oversights I will correct with my next helmet purchases. (Bruise and scrape were so minor I didn't find them till the next day, but you can't have too many helmets. I wish I had some of the tinfoil helmets those Australian anchors must be wearing.)

mikeweb said...

I had a minor dooring one time from a taxi. The door grazed my thigh and yellow paint had somehow rubbed off onto the black pants I was wearing. The yellow-ness lasted through a couple of washes. I never thought to submit it as evidence.

Anonymous said...

i was doored a couple times, the first time a cracked rib the second stiches in my hand, sliced by the top corner of the door. a helmet wouldn't have helped in those incidents, maybe body armor. i hear the guys at rapha are working on this.

Monica Lewinski said...

Mikeweb, I had a similar experience with a blue dress.

Bruce said...

Really Monica, a yellow stain?

Anonymous said...

Aussie anchor = Toronto mayor?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17914504

Fred said...

I'm glad I finally know why the tri-dorks need to carry 20 water bottles on their bikes. They're reloading!

This blog is so educational.

Anonymous said...

So if you pee on someone else's bike does that mean it's yours now?

etherhuffer said...

If you have kidney stones its a nice prep for the new powder coating.

El Dookie said...

The reason pooping wasn't addressed is that most triathlete's haven't taken a dump in years.

wishiwasmerckx said...

There is something really, really dirty about the title to this post: "Getting it backwards down under."

McFly said...

wiwm,

THANK YOU! I did not want to be the one to point that out

Anonymous said...

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3fap2EaSt1qdvnvk.jpg

Quilled and Lugged said...

Looks like a stairmaster fell over backwards

wishiwasmerckx said...

In fact, I believe that the technical term is "reverse cowgirl."

Anonymous said...

There's a Glasgow band called the Reverse Cowgirls.

hey nonny mouse.

McFly said...

That is BSNYCs doppleganger. Speaking of cyclist getting completely cleaned out did anyone catch that hard right Ferrari made at the end of Stage 3 of the Gir---GGGGiiir----GGGGGGGGiro, sorry I cannot phonetically pronounce it in regional dialect like the great Bob Roll, that wiped out Cav, Phinney and a dozen other guys? You expect cars to come after you but dang that dude went 45 degrees with no warning.

Quilled and Lugged said...

http://www.cyclingfans.com/node/4651

Jeez, is the guy a triathlete or what?

Vegas said...

Adoorable Snob

Anonymous said...

I've never been as worried at work as the time I clicked on that "Really, the urinary equivalent of a triathlon transition would be this" link.

Vegas said...

Oh, and looks like the helment Photoshop guy is the same one doing Iran's missile testing pics.

Lastly, why the fluck aren't these people pissing *before* their tri, in a provided Piss-O-Potty or on the tire of their truck like normal people???

Vegas said...

Anon 8:18- haha sometimes you gotta just go with the flow

McFly said...

Yo Vegas, I do not think triathlete's have "trucks", for the most part.

Anonymous said...

Is in Gorham N.H. 4 years ago for the Mt. Washington race. The night before the race we were watching the women's olympic marathon coverage on Canadian cable tv, eh?
They actually showed the British runner pull to the side of the course, pull the crotch of her shorts t the side and drop an enormous deuce right on the road.
Made a lasting impression.

leroy said...

Well I'll be danged. The University of Woolloomooloo has a major in communications.

Who knew?

Wonder who's in charge of the sheep dip.

(Emanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.)

leroy said...

A 5-Boro race report for Grog and der zoots ....

I think my dog had a top finish.

He said went on the podium.

But that might have just been him providing a testing sample.

I wasn't there to see it.

I was directing bike and pedestrian traffic in Brooklyn and joined the ride at the end.

Funny thing, out of 35,000 riders and several hundred pedestrians, only about a dozen pedestrians and riders didn't want to stop to let
the other person go through.

And yet we are defined by the dozen abberations because dog bites man is not news.

Unless of course, the man's dog is a smart ass who tells him he doesn't know how to spell Immanuel Kant.

(Note to self: don't tell dog "bite me," even if justified.)

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess @ THIR said...

Hi! Triathlete AND Australian here...

Firstly... no one watches the ABC. And it's because of jack-offs like that...
I've been doored by a dude in an extremely poorly places disabled parking slot and still managed to scream the shit out of the stupid old fuck. It's not hard to look in the mirror before you open the door.

Secondly... I have peed in a race before. I was in the middle of nowhere. There were no bathrooms available. And being a chick you can't just go squat in the bush. Luckily it rained all day that day and it wasn't a big deal :P

JDH said...

I peed on a ferris wheel. Does that count for anything?

bikesgonewild said...

...vuelta de bajs, '72-ish...coupla 'merican guys got montezuma's revenge & on the stage from ensenada to tijuana, with nothing but a barbwire fence 10 feet from the road & scrub brush no higher than about a foot off the ground, they simply squatted, dropped lycra & hosed themselves off with water bottles...

...no wiping that kinda 'shit'...

...& back in those days, the road was open to racers, team cars & yep, tourists...

..."...oh my god, martha...that's disgusting & they look like americans..."...

...kinda ugly for everybody...

bikesgonewild said...

...whoops - "...vuelta de baja..."...

studioe said...

"Yeah, I was passed by a guy not wearing a helmet, and then I saw him do an endo afa few feet ahead when a pedestrian walked out.

I rode by slowly, and when he looked up from his concussion-induced haze, I pointed at my head, and said, "helmet".

Dee said...

This just in from the ABC correction page:
Dooring cyclists

Posted 53 minutes ago
News Breakfast: On May 7, the program interviewed Garry Brennan from Bicycle Network Victoria about a campaign to increase fines for motorists who open their car doors into the path of cyclists. After the interview we suggested that cyclists should share some of the blame for ‘dooring’ incidents. The law states that this is incorrect. In every ‘dooring’ incident it is the fault of the person opening the door for not exercising due care.

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, these guys surely heard: "oye, usted niños se quita mi césped!"

(Hey, you kids get off my lawn!)

Anonymous said...

They wiped the link to the ABC broadcast and reposted one with the anchor's comments edited out.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-05-08/drivers-vs-cyclists/3998484

is the new link

Cipo said...

cento

bikesgonewild said...

...nice touch, wishiwasmerckx...but where we were, particularly at the time, (consider 40 years ago) only the coyotes woulda been complaining...

...it was the equivalent of 'bumfuck, mehico' with thousands of miles of ocean to the left & who knows how many miles of empty scrub to the right, on a road populated by the occasional 8' x 8' 'pemex' (gas) station...

...it was kinda the diametrically opposed equivalent of where i was raised as a small kid in canada's north...

Nicky said...

Good info! Thanks for sharing with us on your blog.

Anonymous said...

The ABC conveniently removed the video from their homepage. Never fear, it is now on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcmjjSOdJMg

Anonymous said...

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After coming across this blog I see that this would be a good place to let people know about our product.

We plan to have our kickstarter video up within the next week or so, and we would appreciate your support in our venture, perhaps by posting a video on your blog to let people know about this new product.

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Anonymous

Anonymous said...

main page: View my complete profile http://www.blogger.com/profile/11256142855437740163
email: bikesnobnyc@yahoo.com

not that hard.

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob,

The anon comment @ 2am ish was a failed attempt at a joke.

Thought somebody'd see through it and put some spicy ot sauce on the savory taco of a comment, if u know what I mean.

Jym said...

=v= This year's Bike to Work Day graphic for the San Francisco Bay Area depicted bicyclists without helmets, so ... off with their heads! Apparently decapitated bicyclists are less controversial than ones without helmets.

D.C.'s Bike to Work Day graphic also features some Sleepy Hollow riders.

Jym said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Little Miss Cyclist said...

That's because IT IS Autumn here.

Jay said...

lol. Peeing on the bike is just one of the many beautiful parts of triathlon. :) Great post and great blog!

Robert said...

Those sound effects were dumb.

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