Thursday, May 3, 2012

Feelin' Cranky: It's Our Time of the Month

Have you noticed anything different while riding your bike over the last three days?  Are motorists being unusually kind towards you?  Have pedestrians been smiling at you?  Have police been going out of their way to assist you rather than harass you?

Well, if so, it's almost certainly because you're this person:


However, it's probably not because it's May, which is officially National Bike Month.  Sure, it would be nice to receive some special treatment, but the sad fact is that we don't even get a day off work.  Instead, all we get is a Bike To Work Day, which most of us are doing anyway.  Incidentally, if you want to know what sort of "bi-keen to work" stuff your local municipality is doing for Bike Month, here's your answer (assuming you live in the following locales):



NYC: Bike NYC: http://bikenyc.org/  (May 18th)

Portland: Bicycle Transportation Alliance Portland: http://btaoregon.org/  (May 18th)

Seattle: Cascade Bicycle Club: www.cascade.org (May 18th )

Twin Cities: Bike Walk Twin Cities: http://www.bikewalktwincities.org/ (June 4-12th is Bike Walk Twin Cities)


Why am I mentioning these programs in particular?  Well, apparently they'll be giving away signed copies of my book as part of their "bi-keen"-themed festivities at some point.  (Unfortunately they'll be signed by me, though maybe they can arrange to have yours signed by the woman in the above photo instead.)  Also, I find it especially amusing that Portland has a Bike To Work Day, since as far as I can tell the few people in Portland who actually do work are engaged in bike-themed business anyway so the riding to work part is just assumed.  Portland needs a Bike To Work Day the way Mario Cipollini needs a Don't Wear Any Underpants Day.  I mean, what's the point of a Bike To Work Day for soup delivery people who bring lunch to people who work at bike companies?


Incidentally, even the Smithsonian museum is getting into the Bike Month spirit, for I just received the following in my electronic mail inning-box:

May is National Bike Month! In celebration of bicycles, motorcycles and all two-wheeled vehicles, this week’s Smithsonian Snapshot highlights this 1818 draisine, the forerunner to the modern bicycle.


I know what you're thinking: these things are posed for a comeback!  Well, they certainly are, and a reader has informed me that a modern state-of-the-art version is already in existence:


If you've ever wondered what it feels like to be locked in a stockade while getting both a "wedgie" and the Heimlich Maneuver, this contraption should do a good job of replicating that experience.

Meanwhile, in other cycling-related news, further to the "epic" motorpacing video I posted yesterday, a reader left the following comment:

Ivars said...


that video with cyclist drafting behinf truck is not from Netherlands, but from Latvia, this guy at that time did 299km from Riga to Tallinn in 4h17 min averaging very close to 70km. must be funny guy to do so...


May 2, 2012 5:03 PM

I appreciate the correction, and while obviously as an American I don't understand any of that "km" stuff, I'm guessing it means that the guy is pretty fast.  Indeed, as I contemplated this, something occurred to me.  Watching the video again, I looked at the rider's near-perfect position and the preternatural effortlessness with which he seemed to propel himself at nearly impossible speeds, and I realized I'd seen it all someplace before:


So, could the time traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret and Motorpace Guy be one and the same?  Well, as astute the time traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret-watchers know, while he originally comes from the planet Tridork, he resides in Macedonia:


And while it's a long way from Macedonia to Latvia for a typical Earth cyclist, it's really just a quick spin for someone who's accustomed to the gravitational pull of the planet Tridork:


Clearly then, the above video is rare footage of the time traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret out for a training ride.  Of course, the modern bike and wardrobe would seem to undermine this theory, but I imagine what happens is that when he hits Fred "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed he disappears through a wormhole in time and then reemerges in the distinctively dorky livery by which we know him.

Speaking of training, a reader has forwarded me a link to former President George W. Bush's Strava profile, and it would appear that he's been logging some fairly decent mileage these days:


If you often lament the fact that you don't have as much time to ride as you like, just take solace in the fact that all you have to do is serve two terms as President of the United States and start a couple of wars, after which you'll have plenty of time to enjoy your "stable" of fancy bikes:

Bikes

AC Team Parlee Z5 SL 4,174.0mi
Baum Extensa 1.4mi
Moots Comooter 53.7mi
Sycip Diesel 29er Single Speed 646.7mi
Yeti 229.1mi

Incidentally, if singlespeed mountain bikes had any remaining countercultural credibility that's obviously gone now, and it's only a matter of time before Bush's Crawford, TX ranch becomes the venue for a SSWC.  (To Bush's credit, I should also mention that,53.7 miles in a single year is probably the most mileage ever put on a Moots Comooter.)

In fact, given his fitness, Bush should really think about heading to the Gran Fondo New York, from whom I've received yet another press release informing me of the following:

New York City (May 3, 2012) – The USA Pro Cycling Challenge, one of the largest professional cycling races in the United States, is continuing its support of cycling events throughout the country by
teaming up with the second-annual Gran Fondo New York to create the KOM (King of the Mountain) Challenge. Held on May 20, the Gran Fondo New York is both a competition and a recreational ride for people of all ages. The third climb of the day, Montagna dell'Orso, known by the locals as “Bear Mountain,” will give participants a taste of what the pros experienced last August as they ride alongside the same course signage and under the same Nissan KOM arch used in the USA Pro Challenge.

Holy crap, it's the same signage?!?  I had no idea signage was so exciting.  Actually, one of the things I like best about riding up around those parts is that there isn't very much signage.  I also didn't realize riding under arches was such a big deal to Freds.  Perhaps there's a market in selling inflatable arches that you can carry in your jersey pocket.  Then, Freds could bring them to the local climb, inflate them with their CO2s, and ride through them all day long while comparing their times to former Presidents on Strava.

Really, I think the only thing that could make the Gran Fondo New York even better would be if the whole ride stopped in Piermont and flooded the town with the world's largest simultaneous "pee-in."

119 comments:

Chriam said...

PODIUM!

Jasper said...

Early doors

Jasper said...

Unbelievable - pipped three days running

Chriam said...

Can I hog the other two places? :D

wishiwasmerckx said...

Just missed the podium!

mikeweb said...

63rd!!

Anonymous said...

damn

singlespeedwaster said...

Top five? It ain't podium, but so what?

Jasper said...

Woo-hoo speed is 74kmh in foreign money.
Just sayin'

Ln Wf said...

O fk I msed pdium agn.

mikeweb said...

WCRM, I think that first website link is actually a birthday gift for bgw.

NUDE GRLZ

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Right. Time-of-the-month panties. (Had to be done.)

Kenny Banya said...

Could have had a top ten, but photos too compelling

theEel said...

weed.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

you mean the hasid who honked at me incessantly yesterday, even though he had a whole car's width to spare betweem me and his van, was just saying "hi, did you know it's bike month? welcome to our neighborhood... mazel tov!"

i have to go back today and look for him so i can take back the finger i gave him with a flourish.

George W Bush said...

I'm gonna show you a hill that would choke a mule.

hillier99 said...

Top 20 including reading, checking links to GWB's bikes.

Dennis Hopper said...

Don't forget to put food on the Hoppers table.

hillier99 said...

Top 20 including reading, checking links to GWB's bikes.

Nibbles said...

Well, 29ers are lame, but singles speeds with 26 inch wheels are still cool, and getting cooler all the time.

Can you even buy one of those anymore?

McFly said...

FREE RANGE EMU FOR EVERYONE!!!

Ansel Adams said...

At first I was all like, "Yeah that's more like it! Nice one!"

But then I was like "Of course! No way a frontal shot of an attractive naked women could have been taken by snob! He sucks at taking pictures. Not like me."

Yeah, you suck at taking pictures

McFly said...

That Indian Princess has what appears to be a Front-Butt.

EnglishSnobHouseCatPunctuationMachine said...

Apostrophe, goddamn it! PRESIDENT'S is possessive!:
"Then, Freds could bring them to the local climb, inflate them with their CO2s, and ride through them all day long while comparing their times to former Presidents on Strava."

g-roc said...

Snob, km is like Canadian Miles, which, technically would be "cm", but that's something different again (could it be kangaroo miles?). Basically, you subtract 32 and divide by pi, so the guy's only going 12 mph American. Pretty lame, really. But when you're in a metric country, it feels like you're bi-keen really fast. It's like free EPO.

Herr Laufmaschine said...

Voyons voir!!!

I have seen the dandy-horse!

hillier99 said...

Jasper, your doors are frequently early. Just not early enough...

Anonymous said...

Bush in NY? I thought the Hillary State didn't allow morons of his magnitude to cross the border. But I forget, NYC had the Jooleonny, and now the Bloomberg Nazi . . . .

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@Nibbles: "Well, 29ers are lame, but singles speeds with 26 inch wheels are still cool, and getting cooler all the time."

-Right on brother.

WCRM -Thanks for that opening link. Made my day!

yofilly said...

Why the chicken suit, Snobby?

SaddleAmericana said...

I, too, was more than slightly thrown off by all that "km" gibberish until g-roc cleared things right up for me. 12 American mph?! come on now! G-Dubbs will blast right past you at those speeds!

Anonymous said...

Better be looking over your shoulder, Snob. The copywriter/PR person for that Gran Fondo gig is pacing your ass and looks to be about to show you some wheel. "The same signage..."! Bwahaha. That's how you droll, Snob!

I am a well protected engine said...

http://singletrack.competitor.com/2011/04/news/ex-prez-bush-rips-it-up-with-veterans_15617

It is a lie, everybody knows that bush curates a superfly. I wonder what his secret service guys ride?

Anonymous said...

Midpack fodder

leroy said...

According to my dog, the only thing worse than seeing a pastey doughy guy in lycra is being the pastey doughy guy in lycra.

I don't know why he was looking at me when he said that.

Le Cashier said...

I"ve noticed you seem to have remarkable or even preternatural predilection to the word preternatural.

Anonymous said...

469, Niccol Machiavelli, political advisor and writer (The Prince).
1849, Jacob Riis, American reformer (How the Other Half Lives).
1898, Golda Mier, Fourth Prime Minister of Israel (1969-1974).
1903, Bing [Harry Lillis] Crosby, singer and actor. Various dates given for his birth date.
1912, May Sarton, poet and writer.
1913, William Inge, American playwright (Picnic, Bus Stop).
1919, Betty Compden, lyricist.
1919, Pete Seeger, folksinger and songwriter.
1920, John Lewis, jazz pianist.
1920, Walker Smith, Jr. (Sugar Ray Robinson), champion middleweight boxer.
1933, James Brown, American singer and songwriter.
1902?, BGW, bay area cyclist of note

Anonymous said...

Snobbie,

I am thinking a "most shameful/shameless ad" contest would be good one.

leroy said...

I claim the podium for being the first person to notice that the cyclist in this post's opening photo isn't wearing a helment.

My dog said that is consistent with my preternatural predilictions.

I told him no one likes a pedantic pettifogging pooch parading his palaver.

Of course, that's only going to encourage him.

sweatpants cyclist said...

The cyclist drafting off the truck was said to average 70 kph for 4 hr 17 min. That works out to about 43.5 mph, which means he acheived WOO HOO speeds for over 4 hours! I think this is what we on planet tridork refer to as nirvana. Only people of exceptional spiritual qualities can acheive tridork nirvana, so it stands to reason that Brett is the truck drafting cyclist.

Charlie Didrickson said...

That naked chick is in the new off broadway production of Hairless.

McFly said...

Hey Sweatpants WooHoo speed is 46 MPH, it's science.

McFly said...

He was on the cuspof WooHoo which would explain why he kept pushing so hard, but woohoo in Dutch is huwaohowea uiorafhoawe.

David said...

What's better than a naked chick?
A naked chick on a bike!
What's better that a naked chick on a bike?
Two naked chicks on two bikes!
What's better than two naked chicks on two bikes?
Two naked chicks on one recumbent at the same time!
What's better that two naked chicks on one recumbent at the same time?
Two naked chicks on one recumbent at the same time, kissing! (See, you thought I was going to say three naked chicks on a single recumbent, but you know, that would just be silly, wouldn't it?)
(Oh, and it's better if the recumbent is not faired (or fared, whichever spelling you prefer), because, you know, if it's fared, you can't see the naked chick. Or chicks.) (Yes, I have too much time on my hands.)

Jasper said...

How many naked chicks in a kilometer though?

@hillier99 My friends will start calling me Andy Schleck if I don't starting hitting the line first.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Moots Bush.

Happy Birthday to Bikes Gone Wild!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Moots Bush.

Happy Birthday to Bikes Gone Wild!

Paul Bowen said...

I miss lady pubes.

Paul Bowen said...

I miss lady pubes.

dcee604 said...

It's Bike To Work day?

I'd like to know when it's Drive to Work day...

Spike Lee said...

We get a month too....
We get a month too...

Anonymous said...

MORETITLESSBABESORIMAFUCKINKILLYA

Anonymous said...

now today's post is something that i can get in to deep...


balls®

Drink said...

PEED MONT

McFly said...

I wish I wish I was her saddle. Becuase vagina.

McFly said...

I can't even spell. Becuase vagina.

Anonymous said...

Wonder what his secret service guys ride? From the news - south american hookers. Laterally compliant.

cycle

Blog Drafter said...

I love it when women take off all their clothes. I give her a 9 out of 10. Pubes would have scored 10 of 10.

David said...

Better yet, naked chick(s) on P-fars, or perhaps best of all, on recumbent P-fars. I don't know what a recumbent P-far would look like, but really, with naked chicks, you can't go wrong.

grog said...

Who knew? Recumbabe has a sister!
I don't miss Larry King at all.
Excellent post; Nookyoolar even.

Marcel Da Chump said...

sorry about the double-Bush...freaking I-Pad

crosspalms said...

The other 11 months are Work to Bike months.

Anonymous said...

MDC,
"That's what she said..."

McFly said...

Anybody that is anybody knows that the 1819 Draisine with New and Improved Forward Curving Peyronie Fork Action!!! is far superior to the 1818 model. You could retrofit the new fork to the 1818 but to get one you had to know a guy that knew a guy that stole a bunch of shit from another guy. Plus it voided the termite warranty.

Bike Douche' said...

Hipistorially correct mud flaps ...

http://www.instructables.com/id/Bike-Mudflaps/

Off-off-off-off Broadway said...

Hey New York, you get Colorado's sloppy seconds of cycling signage. How's it feel to live in the cycling third world?

Quilled and Lugged said...

@McFly, you're such a johnny-come-lately (as it were). Any self-respecting commenter on this site would only be pimping the 1817 version with the limited edition yak leather saddle...

Third Stoned from the Sun said...

smokeable cannibus sativa parties

bikesgonewild said...

...i think the only reason bsnyc/rtms/wcrm even mentioned george w bush is 'cuz our beautiful naked bike princess isn't sporting one...

...thank you mikeweb & marcel du chump...if that beauty shows up at my door as a birthday present, i might not recognize her 'cuz hopefully she'll be bundled up...it's chilly n' drizzly here today...but despite the neighbors thinking i'm whack, i did put up signs & arches to welcome her...

...@ anon 12:34pm...ummm, that would make me 110 years old...now, sometimes i feel like i'm 110 but really, i'm only 63...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 2:24

Now that's delicious irony.

Mehjor Tailher said...

Goodness that flower headband flat-chested cyclist is so vexing. I wonder if she would wrap it around a black saddle also?

Nibbles said...

Word, I am sticking with my old bike and wheels, having fun riding my bike, waiting for the new 26" revival.

bikesgonewild said...

...mcfly...i see you're raising a second family...careful, that's what got john edwards in trouble...

...non sequitur...saw a 'small statured' gentleman, prob'ly in his 40's, out on a 29"er yesterday...guy looked like a little kid on his dad's bike...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Happy Birthday bgw!

29" hoops may be good for really tall people and I don't mind them on my road bike but for bouncing around on rooty, rocky trails here in the eastern woods I'll keep my 26" wheels.

McFly said...

Yeah that was pretty whack. Those robins are busy fuckers cause I just had that thing out and robbed the San Marco off of it weekend before last. I just hung it back up until gestation is complete. Its an old Trek 930 singletrack with a RokShox fork but I have had it for 20 years. Which reminds me I need to pick up some bacon.

bikesgonewild said...

...recumbent conspiracy theorist...thank you, sir...

...recumbababe isn't your mom, is she ???...

...hey, just askin'...not that i'd wanna, well, like i say, just askin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...mcfly...mother nature, ain't she grand ???...that's actually pretty cool...

...you should post a foto here for the regulars...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

bgw -that's hilarious! but no she's not my mom. If she was I'd put in a good word for ya tho.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking that the Fizik saddle designers might be considering adding "Camel" to the pantheon of animals in their "spine" concept after today's post.

mikeweb said...

anon 4:19:

Comment of the day.

FTW!

self-obsessed and sexee said...

What a pretty clam on that saddle!

bikesgonewild said...

...@ self-obsessed & sexee...absolutely...

McFly said...

Saddle Straddle needs a booty paddle.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ mcfly...absolutely...

leroy said...

BGW--

Happy Birthday!

My dog says your age is my IQ.

If you were older, I might understand what he's talking about.

Anonymous said...

I suppose that I have seen better bodies, but there is something both comely and very fetching about that face, and it's not just the headband.

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

You're good, leroy, very good.

Throwawy_Bicycling said...

@jasper

How many naked chicks in a kilometer though?

Well if each chick were 166 cm tall, and you laid them end to end, probably almost two years at the rate you are likely to be working your way down the line.

Third Son from the Stoned said...

Before I finish up here I just want to cover two major points ...

One! Massive Bong Hits ...

Cipo said...

The sweet young thang in the headband. I banged her.


And her mother. Several of their sheep and someone who might have been her hermaprodite brother/sister.

Oh! And the baby sitter too.

Cipo said...

The baby sitter too ...

I would have done the baby too but unfortunately we weren't in France or Washington DC!

McFly said...

Technically speaking the Indian Princess image is not porn because:


A) I clearly see no actual vagina(i.e. lips, clitorious, scranus, even hair) at best it's vaginal shoreline....and

B) I clearly see no titties, either.

McFly said...

And despite all this she is still being eye-fucked by Lou Diamond Phillips.

Jasper said...

@Throwawy_Bicycling said...

I am so happy someone is willing to do the sums for me so I can concentrate on my technique...

And I have to say it guys, I like a naked chick on a bike as much as the next Fred, but is it any wonder there aren't so many women commenters these days. Perhaps we need more Cipo oil paintings.

Lou Diamond Phillips Screwdriver said...

McFly, click on "this person" (it's blue-highligted), for the money shot.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Word of the day: "Vaginal shoreline."

Ok. its two words, but IMHO, the best part.

McFly said...

Jasper,
I have seen more naked Cipo on this blogular than naked women...yet I cannot look away...that silver leg haunts me...it will flash like a faulty Knog(like the one on my Raleigh) in my brain....OK I have crossed a line and I apologize...

LDP,
I know how to de-recumbabe a photo. Formerly known as de-Larry Kinging.

Cipo (verified) said...

Gli italiani non dicono "thang". Pussy, sì, thang, no.

Anonymous said...

Hundred

Anonymous said...

It should be obvious, but that's a fake profile of former President George W. Bush. Unless he moved to California and rides bikes five days a week.

helena said...

All of the gears are contained inside the rear hub, making shifting smooth and easyHermosa Beach.


bike

Anonymous said...

GWB,

Runs the country into the ground, watches his buddies consume the wreckage, retires back to Texas, and now enjoys riding bikes.

Gotta be some kernal, some message there, other than "bikes are fun; people like riding bikes." Perhaps not, the only lesson, "after you are finished with being a dult in your professional life, enjoy a bicycle ride."

felix said...

Unbelievable - pipped three days running
Nissan For Sale

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...thanks, amigo...every year i'm working towards raising your IQ...not a job i take lightly...

...i don't think that dog of yours is as smart as he looks (admittedly i've never seen him)...he needs to be reminded that the name 'leroy' comes from the french 'le roi' or le roy which is french-canadien for 'le goalie du habs'...

...in other words, classy...

...your dog has all the manners of a billy smith...

...just sayin'...

McFly said...

BGW,
I got completely dropped by a 64 year young gentleman yesterday. He was polite enough to drop back and ride me back on. And then drop me again. Then back again and we trolled in together. Old guys...whateryougonnado?

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm still reeling over "...vaginal shoreline...", mcfly...

..."...i bathed in the moist warmth of her vaginal shoreline..."...

...somehow, somewhere, someday, i'll find a way to turn an eloquent phrase using that lovely term...

McFly said...

I may never achieve a "Comment of the Day" award but I will take honorable mention on Word(s) of the Day any old day of the week.

Anonymous said...

Be careful riding in the boroughs...


May 3, 2012

Thieves stealing manhole covers in New York City, utility says

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Manhole covers are being stolen from the streets of New York City, leaving dangerous holes in the roads and sidewalks, authorities said on Thursday.

More than 30 manhole covers have been stolen in the city's Brooklyn, Queens and Bronx boroughs since early March, presumably by thieves selling them for scrap metal, said a spokesman for the Con Edison utility company.

"Stealing manhole covers is dangerous," said Milovan Blair, Con Edison's vice president for Brooklyn-Queens Electric Operations. "Anyone who steals these covers creates a serious hazard for pedestrians and motorists."

Witnesses have reported seeing thieves wearing utility-style clothing but without official insignia prying open covers with a car jack, loading them onto pickup trucks and driving away, Con Edison said in a statement.

Manhole covers are stolen on occasion but the recent thefts are a marked increase, said Con Edison spokesman Michael Clendenin.

The covers are made of cast iron or composite materials and can weigh as much as 300 pounds (136 kg), he said. The high price of metals make them attractive to sell as scrap.

(Editing By Ellen Wulfhorst, Greg McCune and Eric Beech)

Anonymous said...

The Yeti rides a Yeti. Perfect!

Anonymous said...

Pothole = My Mouth

C.P.T said...

I don't think signage gets the credit it deserves.

pedal mas said...

i chalk 'recumbabe' on my local steeps near the top. helps me 'power over'.

an inflatable recumbabe might interfere with 'upright' riding, yo.

overnight prints said...

Nice post you posted in your blog. I searched brochure printing and postcard printing .

amabel87654 said...

She is cute.

Mikes,
2 Girls Teach Sex

Robert said...

Totally jelly of the former president.

Fixie Bikes said...

It's totally just your time of the month.

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