Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's Wednesday! Insert Your Own Title Here: __________

Riding bicycles!

This guy loves it:



You know this guy loves it:




And, yes, even this guy loves it:


("Say that to my face and I'll knock your block off.")

Sure, he'd never admit he loves it because he's a rugged New Englander who believes that acknowledging you love anything or smiling for photographs or even lifting objects with more than one hand makes you a total "nancy boy," but trust me, he loves it just the same.

I too love riding bicycles, which is why I wrote two whole books about riding bicycles even though I could have spent the six or seven hours it took to write each one actually riding bicycles instead.  However, not everybody enjoys my books.  In fact, I was browsing the reviews of my new book on a river-themed retail website when I came across one that drew the following conclusion:

"But, overall, I wouldn't recommend spending the $17 suggested retail price for this book. Just look at the Bicycling.com website--it has tons of useful advice on bike commuting without all the lame attempts at humor."

So there you have it--if you like advice but you hate humor then read Bicycling.com.  Also, if it rains, take the bus.

(I just hope he doesn't find all the crap I've actually written for Bicycling.com while he's over there, because he is going to be p-i-s-s-e-d!)

In any case, all of this underscores an important point, which is that even people who love to ride bikes don't agree about everything.  Some people like road bikes, other people like mountain bikes.  Some people like light bikes, and other people like heavy bikes.  Some people like upright bikes, and other people like recumbents.  And you know what?  Nobody's wrong!

Well, actually, that's not entirely true, because the recumbent riders are obviously wrong:


(So wrong.)

But as far as everything else goes, it's completely subjective.

In any case, another area in which people who love to ride bicycles disagree is with regard to bicycle infrastructure.  For example, some people think we need more bike lanes, whereas others think bike lanes "ghettoize" us and believe we should all pretend to be cars instead.  This is called "vehicular cycling."  This makes a lot of sense too, because most of the streets in this country are designed for cars, and obviously cars and bikes are very similar--apart from the weight, and the number of wheels, and the means by which they're powered, and the speeds at which they travel, and the number of passengers they carry, and the vulnerability of the operator, and the dangers they pose to pedestrians.  Other than those minor things, they're pretty much identical--I mean, they sell red cars, and they sell ride bikes, and both cars and bikes have wheels, so why not just keep the streets "One size fits all," right?  If you're not convinced, just look at this example of "taking the lane" which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Now that's how they really do it in the Netherlands.  All those pictures fietspaden and "bake feets" are just socialist propaganda.

Speaking of recumbents and bike lanes, what image of American cycling could be more poignant than this lone recumbent rider I spotted in the early morning in Los Angeles?


Well, I suppose this image might be a bit more poignant:


As might this one:


Sorry, I realize that the above image is not strictly safe for work, but I had to leave at least one nipple exposed for poignancy.

In any case, having mentioned Los Angeles I find myself growing nostalgic for my BRA tour, and prior to Los Angeles I was in San Francisco, where I sat and admired whatever that rust-colored bridge is called before heading to the Rapha Cycle Club:


True to their ethos, Rapha had planned an "epic" BRA ride with a cue sheet as long as an artisanal pickle:


Lamely, however, they failed to print it on perforated yak leather.

Once assembled, we took to the streets:


And proceeded to choke the bikeways and thoroughfares of San Francisco with our vast numbers and cloying smugness:


Before returning to the Rapha Cycle Club:


That's one nonplussed-looking crowd, and it's tough to say whether they're more disgusted by my talk or by the price of the bib shorts.  (They say Rapha's prices are more swollen than a taint after an "epic" ride without chamois cream.)

Anyway, after my talk there was a book signing given by a surprise celebrity guest:


Though the surprise celebrity guest wasn't actually the same person who wrote the book:


Nevertheless, he was so excited to be there that after signing the book he immediately adjourned to the basement, where he proceeded to give the floor the old "Piermont treatment:"


Actually, the water was already there and we simply staged the photo.  This should come as a great relief to the Rapha Cycle Club, though perhaps it's not a total relief since it means they have a leak somewhere.  (Either that, or somebody else relieved themselves on the floor before we got down there.)

Speaking of relief, sometimes when people experience relief they emit a little sound--maybe a protracted "Ahhh" or something like that.  People also make little sounds when they're disgusted or repulsed, which I'm pretty sure is what happened here:



Date: 2012-04-27, 8:57AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

You rode past me around 8am this morning and stopped ahead. Looked as if you were locking up your bike. As I approached you made a funny sound and I said good morning. Mind if I ride with you next time?

I'm not sure if the above poster is new to the neighborhood, but when a woman in Park Slope makes a sound like "Eeew" or "Ugh" it means she wants you to go away.  Also, even if you're too dense to take the hint, you should definitely not take this as a cue to ask her for her "clam diameter:"


Date: 2012-05-01, 11:21PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Selling my black Cinelli Mash bullhorn handlebars. The clam diameter is 31.8 with a 40cm width. 

That's one oversized clam.


119 comments:

Anonymous said...

z90 1st

Jasper said...

Early doors

Jasper said...

Not again...

theEel said...

weed!

McFly said...

Recumbabe!!!

Chriam said...

Top 5!

P. Bateman said...

holy crap top 10? neat.

McFly said...

Nice job Jasper. The officials will always give you two positions when you cross the line sideways. High Risk/High Reward manuver.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Ate

Jasper said...

Well you almost got the entire bridge in the picture...

Jasper said...

McFly - still trying to learn how to throw the bike in a straight line, and not the way Bjarne Riis used to do it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFzteK_y1b4
And that really does auto-complete on Google once you start typing Bjar...

Anonymous said...

SF has hills.

McFly said...

That Cinelli looks alot like an adult female pleasure toy with an enjoyment curve in it.

Flambullient said...

No pictures of the epic burrito in SF?

Smovlov said...

Top cheese

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty two days running. Unread though; is that like doping?

streepo said...

How about "Blogtacular" for the title?

scranus

DerZoots said...

Clam and cheese?

Abodanza?

Panties.

Quilled and Lugged said...

How about "It's not about the BRA"

And yes, there are hills in San Francisco, but it looks like you skirted round all of them. Didn't even get to go over the bridge either - that would stop you complaining about the pedestrians on the Brooklun Bridge for a while...

Kenneth Trueman said...

Top 20 ?

McFly said...

Bjarne should look into the Tour de Corn.

grog said...

It's Wednesday! Lame attempts at humor and poignancy.

nipple!

mikeweb said...

Recumbabe nip-slip.

Paris Hilton has nothing on Recumbabe.

Anonymous said...

There is only one objective Truth: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I know, totally trippy, huh?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Poignant nipple.

Anonymous said...

Blogular immortality achieved. . .with a picture of me eating a burrito.

Kenny Banya said...

Lone Wolf, Recumbabe, all is well.

crosspalms said...

Is an oversized clam the same as a frumious bandersnatch?

Anonymous said...

Ribbed, for her pleasure

M.I.L.F. hunter said...

HOT BUSTY BLONDE SIGHTING ADJACENT TO STAIRCASE IN RAPHA CYCLE CLUB! (Does shot)

Anonymous said...

Today's Forecast: 90% Chance of Epic Commenting from BGW with also mild showers of Quilled & Lugged being all fired up about his town.

Captain Hardbread said...

"recumbabe gets Vajazzeled/ cum inside"

DerZoots said...

Wednsdey Weedz.


Recumbabe nip was awesome.
I really was surprised, and pleased.
I'm not just saying that.

Piss To Pot In said...

tourists and other disoriented perambulators with no respect for the integrity of the bike lane

This is called being a normal American. You are advanced and cannot expect others to meet your high standards.

I mean, they sell red cars, and they sell ride bikes...,

They sell ride cars too. Get your intern back!

JB said...

Clip show blog post?

AHTBS said...

! L I V E T S

JB said...

Clip show blog post?

JB said...

Oh, irony...

Clam Caravan said...

You may need this.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

CLAM BAKE

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I saw you smiling at me, can i get your clam diam?

BikeCodes said...

I love the drafting video, it reminds me of that film from the 80s about bikes. You know, THE only other film about bikes other than American Flyers! BREAKING AWAY!

And that first picture - Shouldn't that be Biker Fox riding it? (look him up, you'll see what I mean!!)

Anonymous said...

Lately while reading the Snob, I keep hearing the lyrics of Simon & Garfunkel's " The Only Living Boy In New York City."

I get the news I need on the weather report.
I can gather all the news I need on the weather report.
Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile.
Da-n-da-da-n-da-da-n-da-da here I am
The only living boy in New York

Here's to the Snob, the only living boy in NYC.

Anonymous said...

Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know where.

Here I am..........

Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know where.

ken e. said...

"i do not like them, sam i am..."

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Snobby Dude - humorous and Bicycling Mag. goes together like jumbo and shrimp.

cycle

Anonymous said...

That Knog Blinder banner as is the most annoying thing I have seen in weeks.

D. Boon said...

The roar of the masses could be farts

Anonymous said...

According to your previous blogs triatheletes don't love to ride. The bike is meerly a prop. And I have my suspicions of Freds also. I think they are more compelled to ride as opposed to actually riding because they love too. They call that OCD.

Cipo said...

Recumbabe ... SMYT*


*Show Me Your Teats!

Anonymous said...

To re-iterate - I'll renew my subscription but B Mag when they write an article entitled "10 reasons to keep your old bike."

cycle

Fred Dentalcase D.D.S. said...

$8,000.00 for a bike and they can't even throw in a frigg'in kickstand. I mean WTF!

Ln Wf said...

Recmbabe Rcks mh wrld!

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Waitress, I'll have the Bearded Clam, please."

McFly said...

I wonder what size sea pos it has.

wishiwasmerckx said...

So, if you will indulge me, I would like to share a tale of my Sunday ride, and an affirmation of why Triatheletes are TOTAL douches.

On the busiest bikeway in my town, I caught a tridork on a TT rig. As I pulled inside of him, he spits over his shoulder and onto my arm. Any "normal" cyclist would: (a)look behind before spitting; and (b) spit into traffic, not into the bike path.

He said "Sorry, I had no idea you were there." I told him that basic bike etiquette requires that you look before spitting. Apparently, when your bike is properly lubed and adjusted, and does not sound like a sack of cats when you pedal, clueless assholes never sense you coming...

Anonymous said...

HUGE CLAM

Geo duck

JB said...

I'd take "10 reasons to keep your 3-year-old bike."

Anonymous said...

I accidentally spit on wheel suckers all the time. It's my way of showing how few fucks I give.
Show me a wheel and then maybe, just maybe, I won't spit on you.

Tridorkus Erectus said...

ATTN:

wishiwasmerckx

@ May 2, 2012 2:17 PM


That wasn't spit

Anonymous said...

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/junior-seau-shooting-at-home-050212

McFly said...

I think you can sum up everything you need to know about motorist/cyclist interface by watching a clip from last years TDF. Who can forget Johnny Boogerland in that breakaway that was too busy trying to win a damn stage to notice the freakin' press car that just mauled his ass and flung him into a barbed-wire fence. I mean it's only the biggest cycling race in the universe that circumnavigates the entirety of France but the damn people there covering the event even mow down the participants because they can't be bothered to slow down for some stupid tree.

Salty and Sore said...

Today's title contest:

Nipple of the Week: Wednesday

Salty and Sore said...

@ M.I.L.F Hunter 2:25-

FAIL! I wasn't even in San Fran that day.

Besides, stairs are for 'woosies'.

mikeweb said...

wiwm,

As I was waiting next to someone to cross Jay st. under the Manhattan bridge he turned and spat on my pants. He couldn't be bothered to look first and he was standing still.

And in regards to Tridorkus' comment, reminds me of a certain blue dress from the 90s...

Jed said...

Go ride your red clam.

Anonymous said...

My panties are poignant!
"If you like advice but you hate humor," you are advised to sniff my panties!

Anonymous said...

@McFly, Business trumps cycling even when cycling's the business!
Gotta get those shots for the Fernseher.

Jed said...

That issue would be thinner than the last layer of chamois cream squeezed out of a free rapha sample.

SaddleAmericana said...

some pretty good repeat appearances today! the nudie recumbent (where's the huge white beard?!) and our newest backwoods, forearm-tatted, ready-for-anything-even-killing-cyclists-then-selling-their-bikes friend.

Anonymous said...

Bill Nye doesn't believe in UFOs. I bet he doesn't believe in bikes, panties, or Lance Armstrong, either.

I am a hungry engine said...

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-may-1-2012/back-in-black---artisanal-foods

Artisanal, on last night, best rant yet.

Anonymous said...

Introducing the Rubik's Cube with pictures of topless girls in panties and road bikes on half the squares and Bike Snob jokes on the rest!

Anonymous said...

Title:
Pee Your Panties in Piermont While Playing with Your Rubik's Cube and Watching Topless Women, Then Leave Your Wet Panties Behind!

Quilled and Lugged said...

Anon @12:27,


"Today's Forecast: 90% Chance of Epic Commenting from BGW with also mild showers of Quilled & Lugged being all fired up about his town"

Ooh, I feel all notorious now.
Well I'm on my lunch break, but it looks like bgw must have nodded off. I did post a little meh-sized comment earlier - I would have thought it would have been more epic. I have a good SF spitting story though: following somebody back on the bridge on day, on the west side, and he turned to hock on up towards the ocean - I watched it head to the right, and then get carried by the wind across in front of me until it ended up in the roadway. Like a Shane Warne wrong 'un.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm a rugged New Englander, you nancy boy! We don't love anything and don't you forget it.

self-obsessed and sexee said...

poignant nipple weened--
nurtured to be a tit man--
but I love...panties!

bikesgonewild said...

...that 'route directory' contains the 'the wiggle' & more...a rubiks cube of rights n' lefts & while it's a good long city ride (if one cares to ride around a city for the sake of fun & epic burritos) there's nothing particularly steep to muscle up...

WPVelo said...

Woofie!!!

Recumbabe! (with poignancy)

recumbent!

wait, whut?!

WPVelo said...

now that i've stormed the mid-day podium, i'll readsomewhatwrmroated.

wp

Bill Smith said...

This is supposed to be a humor blog? That explains a lot. I guess I'll read bicycling.com from now on.

Anonymous said...

mid-day hell it's late afternoon-on a wednesday. the local government observes weedsday by closing early.

bikesgonewild said...

...by the way (see that ???...old school long form), i have little to say, my work here is done, my dreams fulfilled...

...on the eve of my 63rd birthday, my pictured visage was posted on bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's cycling blogular & thus a dream i've had since i was a child has been realized...

...what more could i ask for, what more could i seek out of life ???...

...well, except for the fact that there's like 40 other people in the shot & it doesn't feature my best side & while it can't be seen, i'm actually kicking a hipster to the floor for spilling epic burrito' salsa on my shoe...

...i guess i'm not done yet...

Ivars said...

that video with cyclist drafting behinf truck is not from Netherlands, but from Latvia, this guy at that time did 299km from Riga to Tallinn in 4h17 min averaging very close to 70km. must be funny guy to do so...

Anonymous said...

Q&L,
That my friend is one MAGIC LOOGI

Anonymous said...

Hey Ivars,
Good info. Thanks.
I am sure that guy is funny/hilarious but I think he is more funny/crazy.

crosspalms said...

bgw,
You must be the guy chatting up the blond. Figures.

Hey, happy birthday -- let us know what it's like on the other side, I'll be joining you in six months.

Friendo said...

POIN ANCY
LAME HUMR
FLOR PISS
NIPL HOLE
CLAM DIAM

McFly said...

OK,
I have crunched the numbers and tabulated the data and the results are in:

BSNYC Book#1= 184 REST RINGS

BSNYC Book#2= 173 REST RINGS*


*oddly enough these RR were compiled using 3 less turds/terds/tords/tirds but the numbers don't lie so the nod goes to Systematically and Mercilessly. Appeal pending.

Anonymous said...

McFly @11:41 -- the handlebar may be the special "Peyronie's disease" model.

Portdaddia said...

Sanctimony rules!
http://www.kgw.com/home/Man-who-stripped-at-PDX-wants-full-trial-149884755.html

Anonymous said...

BGW,

You at the coffee bar with the grey dress shirt?

If so, you do not look 63.

Anonymous said...

Oh, yeah,

happy birthday BGW

bikesgonewild said...

...nahhh...pink poster on the wall, guy on the right looking down towards bottom of the stairs in ballcap with grey stripe running down arm...lousy shot...

...prob'ly nodding in my dotage...

...& thanks for the b-day wishes...

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Still no bus to take when it rains. Guess I just have to be "hardcore". Thank Lob for full fenders.

And happy birthday bikesgonewild. (oslf)

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, I see that you have cut your hair since your avatar picture was taken.

Anonymous said...

Last arse

Tim Joe said...

Happy Birthday, BGW. I always assumed you were the Lone Wolf.

Nancy Spungen said...

But how did the woman wearing the Crass T-shirt in the previous picture get on at Rapha? Talk about incongruity...

Anonymous said...

WCRM,
the Ralpha staged pee photo does not bear close scrutiny. The length of the the pee rivulet is many meters long, and if Steevil were still peeing that would indicate he has a drinking problem, which is not the case.

McFly said...

Happy Birthday BGW

You are old enough to retire

But still ride

Ghoulie MacDouche' said...

Junior Seau used to dress drag ...

I have Jr. Seau's panties and they are for sale ...

First $100,000.00 takes them.


Yes. There are skid marks.

Joe Meek said...

D. Boon? And, Nancy Spungen?

Dead guitarist. Dead Punk Rock groupie.

And then, there's I.


Hipper than thou.

McFly said...

How did Lone Wolf USA wheels become unorientated? Mad Skids? Probably...

McFly said...

*Wolfs

bikesgonewild said...

...@ wishiwasmerckx...i appreciate your 'kind' assessment of my follicle situation however i fear mother nature is rather laughing at your choice of words...

...@ crosspalms...if you're getting close, it's a race you can never win & i don't need to say another a word & you know what i'm talking about...

...@ nebraska bike commuter (non dwi edition)...thank you, sir & keep up the good (ride to) work...

...@ tim joe...thanks & no, definitely not the lone wolf...he seems to be a man of few words but one fancy-ass bike...

...@ mcfly...my retirement plan, in this day & age, will be to work (& ride) 'til i drop...hopefully it's a 'clean' drop...i'd hate to be infirmed & hangin' around with an expiration date stamped on my file...

...@ anonymouses (various)...thank you & with less than a humble ego, i'll say that i regularly get told i look younger...

Sexy haiku said...

sex sex sex sex sex

sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

sex sex sex sex sex

Blog Drafter said...

BGW, don't retire, I'm considering purchasing an ellipsiscle crank for my CanNotHelpButFail crabon fibre bicycle cycle. Was wanting your advice...

&...Happy Birthday...

mikeweb said...

One thing I noticed about 'rugged New Englander' photo is that he seems to be getting a little, ahem, 'friendly' with the left pedal on that Allez.

Oh, and happy 63 years young to bgw!!

Blam! First! ON his birthday! FTW!!

Ok, I'm done gloating now. And shit, blog drafter is like 7 hours ahead of me.

@McFly, speaking of New England, I believe your BSNYC book RR analysis should be published in the New England journal of medicine. Or maybe 'Scat Fancy' is more appropriate(?)

McFly said...

In the interest of science I should really go back through both, alternating chapters so as to keep the contol samples on the same diet, barometric conditions, and whatnot. I mean heck we got on a Taco Bell kick there in Book #2 when they released the Dorito shell taco which could have skewed the results considerably.

McFly said...

I had to get rid of the Emu, turns out he was a she.

Anonymous said...

Butterfly Handlebars?
Discuss.

Helena said...

BGW,
I got you something....somethings...

amabel87654 said...

What a cycle.

Mikes,
2 Girls Teach Sex

Robert said...

Might get one too.

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