Basically, the way it would work is that whoever can stare into the eyes of his incredibly perturbing Twitter photo (above) for the longest would get the Blinders. So far I can only manage it for about three seconds, which is half a second less than I can stare into an actual Blinder. Chances are I won't actually go with the Stare Into the Eyes of Linus Gerdemann contest though, since: 1) it would be nearly impossible to verify the results; and 2) all the contestants who suffer from nervous breakdowns as a result would probably file a class action lawsuit against me. Still, I haven't ruled it out entirely, so feel free to practice at your own risk.
Then, if you win the Knogs, you can celebrate like this (to which I was alerted by a reader):
While the podium administrator on the right is displaying a look of profound post-ejaculatory nonplussitude, my eye gravitated to the aministrator on the left, who appears ready to catch something about to be "hiked" from the winner's posterior:
("Hut one! Hut two! Hut three...")
That's a podium party as directed by Sam Peckinpah.
However, if you crave less salacious fare, you can always watch this Kickstarter pitch from two people who want $1,000 to ride from London to Ipswich:
However, if you crave less salacious fare, you can always watch this Kickstarter pitch from two people who want $1,000 to ride from London to Ipswich:
I'm a little confused by this pitch, but from what I gather we're supposed to want to fund their journey because they once had an awesome time in Austin and plan to have a similarly awesome time in England. Plus, they "will write and blog" about it:
Do you promise?
Also, there's this:
Jay has never been out of the United States. Jodi’s Nana (see video) wants desperately to meet Jay. Add bicycles and cameras for a 10-day pedal-driven adventure.We will start off in London where we plan to see traditional sites such as Buckingham Palace and Big Ben.
So if you're dying to please someone else's grandmother and fund trite visits to utterly predictable landmarks, dig deep and help these two get there:
By the way, according to a popular search engine's mapping function, it's about 75 miles from London to Ipswich, which means they're only asking $13.33 per mile to ride their bicycles while on vacation. Compared to some other Kickstarter pitches I've seen, that's a relative bargain.
Speaking of Austin and blogging about trips, I was in Austin this past weekend, and I'm about to blog about it, but while I'm sure you'll find it extremely tedious at least I'm not charging you for it. By the way, if you're unfamiliar with Austin, it's the capital of Texas, it's hot enough to melt your "pants yabbies" and scald your bald spot (assuming you "run" a bald spot like I do), and it was a bicycle friendly community from 2007-2011:
Do you promise?
Also, there's this:
Jay has never been out of the United States. Jodi’s Nana (see video) wants desperately to meet Jay. Add bicycles and cameras for a 10-day pedal-driven adventure.We will start off in London where we plan to see traditional sites such as Buckingham Palace and Big Ben.
So if you're dying to please someone else's grandmother and fund trite visits to utterly predictable landmarks, dig deep and help these two get there:
By the way, according to a popular search engine's mapping function, it's about 75 miles from London to Ipswich, which means they're only asking $13.33 per mile to ride their bicycles while on vacation. Compared to some other Kickstarter pitches I've seen, that's a relative bargain.
Speaking of Austin and blogging about trips, I was in Austin this past weekend, and I'm about to blog about it, but while I'm sure you'll find it extremely tedious at least I'm not charging you for it. By the way, if you're unfamiliar with Austin, it's the capital of Texas, it's hot enough to melt your "pants yabbies" and scald your bald spot (assuming you "run" a bald spot like I do), and it was a bicycle friendly community from 2007-2011:
I'm not sure what's happened since then, but presumably they've just said, "Fuck it."
Like a balding tumbleweed, I blew into town on Friday night, and I already found the town in a state of advanced revelry:
If you enjoy shirtless motorcycling, being drunk in revealing clothing, or just plain shouting "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" like a Fred who's just hit 46mph, then Austin is your kind of town. If, on the other hand, you prefer more refined pleasures such as quiet cocktails, polite conversation, and maintaining your dignity, you might be more at home elsewhere.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Austin is tacky. In fact, I've been there a number of times now, and I've developed a real affinity for it. All I'm saying is that it often transcends tacky and goes straight to grotesque--to wit, these automobiles whose owners are presumably "sleeping one off" upstairs:
Hopefully they managed to "liase" with the limousine crew from the liquor store parking lot.
Of course, with the morning comes reflection, and I emerged to find a parade:
Which, as far as I could tell, was in celebration of this guy:
The bridge was closed to traffic for the festivities, but I slipped in behind some bicycle poloists and crossed it anyway, secure in the knowledge that if I incurred a flat tire I could at least borrow a floor pump:
Here's a deluxe float complete with a map of Texas and a fire extinguisher:
And here's a more pedestrian float complete with whatever the Texas versions of yentas are doing whatever the Texas equivalent of kibitzing is while sitting on bales of hay:
Here's a man large of girth taking a photograph:
And here are some helmentless motorcyclists bringing up the rear;
The only motorcyclists who wear helments in Austin seem to be the crotch rocket riders, who festoon them with mohawks and wear them in lieu of shirts, as I mentioned earlier.
By the way, snobby easterners seem to think Texans are intolerant, but this is far from the truth, for I was in town for a good ten hours before I even saw a slur painted on somebody's car:
You might think that's just a petty act of homophobic vandalism, but you'll notice that the driver has parked outside of the lines, and in the case of parking violations the Austin Police Department actually dispenses slurs instead of tickets. (The vehicle registration displayed in your windshield includes your ethnic and religious background as well as your sexual orientation.)
Nevertheless, there's plenty of "alternative" behavior and lifestyles on display in Austin, hence all those bumper stickers that say "Keep Austin Weird." People take this mandate seriously too, for where else are you likely to see a recumbent rider and a rider carrying a hula hoop well before 10am?
Then again, I think it's a hula hoop, though it could just be a gigantic earring:
By this point I was hungry, and so I tethered my Detachable Travel Chariot to the ol' hitchin' post and ordered up some vittles, making sure to refer to the waiter as "Underpants" like in that scene from "National Lampoon's Vacation:"
I also made sure to put on my best authentic Texas accent, but I don't think the waiter appreciated it. Of course, not only is my accent is dead on, but everybody knows that locals love it when you speak to them in a broad parody of their accent. Therefore, his unresponsiveness could only have been because, like most Austinites, he had probably moved there from Brooklyn less than two weeks ago. In any case, as I sat there eating my huevos con matzoh, I could feel those laid back Austin vibes washing over me, the heat pummeling me into submission as I was slowly transformed into an ugly, balding version of Matthew McConaughey. I was reasonably sure that, by around 9pm that night, I'd be cycling around shirtless and yelling "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" to nobody in particular.
Eventually though, I had to pull myself together for my ride and BRA at Mellow Johnny's, and on my way there I was nearly run down by a human-powered bar:
I'm reasonably sure that these were the ladies from the limousine I had spotted in the liquor store parking lot the night before:
And they seemed plussed in a way that only people drinking beer early in the day can be:
Once at the shop, riders gathered, and we set out onto the open road, my scalp sizzling in the midday sun:
I was immediately dropped on the "climbs:"
Though I quickly caught back on during the "descents:"
Finally, we stopped to admire the capital building:
Pictured here:
Before we returned to Mellow Johnny's for the BRA proper, during which I admirably managed not to collapse from heatstroke.
From there, it was on to Boulder, though I will wait until to molest you with the details concerning that trip. In the meantime, I invite you to ponder this bicycle, which I spotted in that city:
Now that's a cockpit.
88 comments:
...the tension palpably builds...the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda' crowd starts to think to themselves "...maybe this is my day..."...
...bodies hunker lower over keyboards, fingers posed, twitching, ready to strike...
...'can i possibly be the one ???"...
...but only one will win that vaunted top step on the podium...who will it be ???...
!
PODIUM
Podi-ish????
cat 6! nice one BGW!
scranus
Top Ten anyway
Outsprinted by VSLC.....shit!
I HATE FOURTH!!!!!!
Fifth and I stopped to read. Also reading floyd landis' book. Love fiction.
cycle
Weed
Snob, your descriptions of my hometown brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for reminding me of why I moved to Madison. Miss the food though.
dang quick to the draw, bgw!
weeeeeednesday
On a bb, like racing on a Brompton
Not just plussed, but tatted, too. Wildcat, I think you made a friend.
Linus Gerdemann is too fast for the autobahn
BGW,
That's the commenting equivilent of pedaling over the finish line backwards on a fixie eating a bologna sandwich with one hand and giving the peloton the finger with the other. Love, 13th place
Snob, Can you pitch this slogan to Brooks saddles?...'Brooks saddles, it's like a pillow for your scranus'. Take all the royalties, I'm feeling generous.
...@ mcfly...hey, i was just waving...honest...
...LOL...
LATE SNOB
It's actually "we be fixin' "
Top XX
I miss the tacos, but I don't miss the Austin heat.
balls™
Any woman who drinks beer in the morning is a godess.
Damn, it WAS my day, but I guess I punctured
That wasn't a human powered bar, that was the road crew for the travelling live show of "Coyote Ugly" now in it's 12th smash season.
I've seen "Coyote Ugly on Ice" 6 times now, it's a tour de force.. a triumph!.
I stared at that picture of Linus for 20 seconds and my legs went numb.
Not just any old blog but J & J will be writing a backer only blog. So all the rest of you cheapskates will can just suck it!
I can tell you were really in Texas. The bent guy and the pretty tatted girl both got their shit-kickers on.
Kudos bgw for a classy podium.
Y'all need one of them thar cyclin' cap thangs.
Lady in the boots was definitely plussed. That is a come hither look if ever I've seen one, so the bald spot obviously isn't holding you back too badly snob.
Or maybe she was just mugging for the camera.
Sweet Lob, what an epic wait for that post. Totally bonked from no lunch and poof! arrière du peloton. So what could possibly be the point of the yellow flag on the back of that giraffe bike? The10 foot head that looks eerily similar to Linus "girly man" Gerdemann's twitpic is not noticable enough? Safety first I guess
...ya think that big yellow car belongs to that 'tour da france' guy that won all them yellow t-shirts or some hot rod chick who thinks she's 'the yellow rose of texas' ???...
...
Austin is cool! Too bad they aren't that biker friendly anymore!
I google cycling bra and it brings me to your very sarcastic web-log with no bras for sale.
panties!
Wierd panties!
I can't decide what's freakin me out more: 1) The Radioshack dude lookin like a young, gay version of Randy Travis or 2)That giraffe/dragonfly helicopter bike.
P.S. Boots and skirts are always hot.
I know you were joking, but that Linus staring thing has me all messed up now.
Actually, fixin' is a Southernism. In Kentucky and points south fixin' does function commonly as a synonym for "to be about to," as in "I'm fixin to fix that flat tire on my bike, but first I'm fixin' to get me another helpin of that moonshine and possum gravy."
Bologna sandwich or not, execellent job bgw!
(Looking forward to McFly's analysis of the bar-on-wheels females).
I just figured out where I have seen that Linus Gerdemann glare before. When somebody in full kit sees my hood mounted rear view mirror on my Dentist bike.
Bologna? Baloney.
Bologna sandwich implies it has something to do with region in Italy, which implies culinary excellence.
It's Baloney, or as we know it by it's generic term: ground-up pig scranus pumped into a condom. Pass le Moutard jeune.
WCRM, don't be coy.
Those limo ladies are obviously in the midst of a bachelorette party, and you were obviously the 'entertainment'.
Or maybe it was Linus Gerdemann.
...thanks, guys...i gotta do it now & again just so us 'ol dudes' stay lookin' good, ya ???...
...& being an honorary italian, cc, i'll go with 'bologna'...
...just sayin'...
I suspect you had a ready-made there bgw, just cut-and-pasted at the perfect moment. Or do you really type at secretarial speeds...
Also, indeed 'it's about 75 miles from London to Ipswich', and pretty flat miles too. Nothing epic about that juorney...
BATN KILL
PODIUM, MADDEFACKERS. WHERE YOU AT???
Tip:
Barton Springs has topless swimming and sunbathing goin on. Well worth the 11 minute bike ride down from the Capitol bldg.
BOOB BOOB
What a woosie, it was only in the 80s, that ain't hot. I bet them wimmen wernt even sans panties yet.
Come back in august!
Scranus!
oh, and No Weed Panties.
Austin is very cool. I love the Spam Museum.
Should have skipped the world's crappiest beer festival and gone to ride bikes with the Snob
"Of course, not only is my accent is dead on..."
That is how they is talks down there, is is it not?
I hadn't previously thought of using Kickstarter to fund my vacations, but these goofballs are >70% there already. I'm surprised that a mention in BikeSnob hasn't pushed them over the top. Of course, a thousand bucks should just about cover the excess baggage fees to haul their bikes over and back.
Weedsey.
I have a dumb question, when you use a bike with s/s couples can't somebody just unscrew them and swipe your bike? I am being serious.
the only people who find austin weird are social conservatives, southern baptists, and christian fundamentalists...which is why they chose to live there.
eating pussy
written by Harry Crews, directed by Sam fucking Peckinpah
Austin called and told me it's not too pleased with it's BSNYC review. So I came here to check it out.
It seems to need more exposition.
Why is Austin no longer as bike friendly as it once was?
Was it really hot or did it just feel hot?
What makes those automobiles "grotesque" in your opinion?
Really, what was that parade commemorating?
Were you tripping massively the entire time you were there? It sure seems so to this commenter. NTTAWWT.
As for that pedalin' drunk autobus goes I looked it up the internet(yes, it's still around) @ www.sweatyhotaustincrotches.com and it explains that if they hit 12.6 MPH, which is like, alot more in Celcius then it triggers a mechanism and Mario Cipolinni Himself springs forth from that oak cask wearing his famous zebra skinsuit with the front crotch cut out ready to regale the drunken lassessess with tales of Giro wins. And also penis. Cipo says,"I am a little leary about the 3rd one on the right but I will plow through some pussy on a stick if it means I can get to that boot/skirt/tattoo'd combo on the left." He then gently whispers two words in Italian into her ear, "reverse cowgirllllllllll."
I stared deep into Linus' hauntingly empty eyes for a bit too long and he turned me into a chicken.
Its OK, though, my wife says we need the eggs.
Haaaaayyyyyoooooo.
Thank you.
I'll be here all week.
Try the veal.
@Luke, I think this is why WCRM is schlepping his bike into every BRA whorehouse. Or he knows that slightly-undersized-coupled-viagra-stem-position-untrue-wheeled-Surlys riden by low-tolerance-for-any-type-of-TX-heat-semi-professional-bloggers who can't climb worth a shit turns librarian types into raging nymphos.
I call dibs on the blonde with the sunglasses.
http://gizmodo.com/5899053/you-can-pull-the-worlds-smallest-pop+up-camper-with-your-bike/gallery/1
Luke Wilson,
I actually used to wonder that before I had one. Now that I do I realize it would be pretty hard to do unless they had the S&S tool. I'm guessing most thieves aren't walking around with one, but I could certainly be wrong. I also think if you're not familiar with them it's not immediately obvioius what they are or how they work.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
My dog claims that Knog blinders can induce Oedipal complex.
He says he wants one for a friend.
VAGT ROLY
Can make a kickstarter to buy snob a decent camera? Those pictures are tiny. Oh better yet, a video camera so he can drop some sweet "edits".
i know this kickstarter thing seems like bullshit but they are getting people to fund their stupid adventures. back in the 'day', i had to use my pell grant or some loan i had no intention of ever paying to fund my fucking off to europe. good for them.
ur dumb those cars r dope
Austin is amazing! There are people who act like damn fools everywhere. And there are SO MANY places in that city to have a quiet drink, eat refined food and have great conversations. It seems like you only experienced loud. vulgar, college party Austin. Boo :(
...@ quilled & lugged...
...to paraphrase 'the who's tommy'...
..."He's a 'bikesnob blogger'
There's got to be a twist.
A 'bikesnob blogger',
S'got such a supple wrist..."...
...i'm not sure but i think these were the original lyrics before they went with that 'pinball' stuff...
...just sayin'...
My "mornings" love you, Mr. Snob. I patiently await your return to Puddletown. I just may be able to attend if my shithead coworkers follow through on their promise to cover my shift that day. Ima circumvent the usual car waxing by paying you a simple compliment; Wait, is this an email? ugh... Stupid, stupid insomnia...xo
The stars at night, are big and bright, *clapclapclap* deep in the heart of Texas!
Well, well...I see someone actually fired up the pussy wagon. And it's powered by pussy. Genius. Renewable energy in it's simplest, finest, wettest form. I like it sir.
This pedalin' is makin me thirsty.
The Vag at night...
Is wet and tight...
smack smack smack smack...
Ridin'on a carrrrrrt in Texas...
Upon reflection the podium girl on the right is obviously a seasoned pro when it comes to the moneyshot because she has adopted the standard "let me get my bangs out of the way position", she also has nice elbow form. She aims to please so you aim to please. The other girl, well....her last boyfriend must have been into kinky shit.
You're wrong McFly. Left podium girl is the keeper. She's up for anything.
DIRT BATH...golden shower's are for wimps.
Brooks - why ride on cobblestones when you can sit on them?
cycle
Sorry for the confusion. Prior to the podium celebration I had explained to the girls that due to all the spicy foods I have been eating while in Europe that I may blast out an accidental hot karl while simultaneously executing my podium ejaculation. They we're just following explicit orders.
"the Texas equivalent of kibitzing is while sitting on bales of hay:"
That would be "jawwin'"
Linus Gerdemann makes my pants yabbies feel funny.
Panties! Did I already say that?
bgw, good riposte. I can't top that one today...
Reposted irrelavantly here to bring yr urgent attention to coverage of Chicago BRA: My one chance at fame, thwarted! I recognize that the photo featuring out-of-focus guy showed a more representative swath of attendees milling around, but where's the love for the crooked-nosed guy in the purple hat? I mean, I WORE A PURPLE HAT! Was it my AHTBM sticker on my thermal mug? I don't think I was holding it in the photo YOU TOOK, unfortunately. Fercrissakes!
Journey is more like to me. overnight prints and brochure printing Good admin.
I wonder what the woo-hoo speed is for the elliptigo 8? around 20kph when the wobbles start. Why can't runners just cycle instead of creaming up 'running' bikes?
Liked the pic of the shoes
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