Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Sweaty BRAs: Keeping Austin Weird

As I mentioned yesterday, I am fixin' to give away some Knog Blinder lighting apparatuses in the near future.  (Yes, I said "fixin'," I've become more folksy since touring the midwest, even though I'm pretty sure they don't even say that there.)  Most likely I will dispense of these strobe-inducing Pulsars from Down Undar by means of some sort of contest, though I'm still working out the details of what that contest might be.  One possibility I haven't yet ruled out is a contest involving professional bicycle riding person Linus Gerdemann:


Basically, the way it would work is that whoever can stare into the eyes of his incredibly perturbing Twitter photo (above) for the longest would get the Blinders.  So far I can only manage it for about three seconds, which is half a second less than I can stare into an actual Blinder.  Chances are I won't actually go with the Stare Into the Eyes of Linus Gerdemann contest though, since: 1) it would be nearly impossible to verify the results; and 2) all the contestants who suffer from nervous breakdowns as a result would probably file a class action lawsuit against me.  Still, I haven't ruled it out entirely, so feel free to practice at your own risk.

Then, if you win the Knogs, you can celebrate like this (to which I was alerted by a reader):


While the podium administrator on the right is displaying a look of profound post-ejaculatory nonplussitude, my eye gravitated to the aministrator on the left, who appears ready to catch something about to be "hiked" from the winner's posterior:


("Hut one!  Hut two!  Hut three...")

That's a podium party as directed by Sam Peckinpah.

However, if you crave less salacious fare, you can always watch this Kickstarter pitch from two people who want $1,000 to ride from London to Ipswich:



I'm a little confused by this pitch, but from what I gather we're supposed to want to fund their journey because they once had an awesome time in Austin and plan to have a similarly awesome time in England.  Plus, they "will write and blog" about it:


Do you promise?

Also, there's this:

Jay has never been out of the United States. Jodi’s Nana (see video) wants desperately to meet Jay. Add bicycles and cameras for a 10-day pedal-driven adventure.We will start off in London where we plan to see traditional sites such as Buckingham Palace and Big Ben.

So if you're dying to please someone else's grandmother and fund trite visits to utterly predictable landmarks, dig deep and help these two get there:


By the way, according to a popular search engine's mapping function, it's about 75 miles from London to Ipswich, which means they're only asking $13.33 per mile to ride their bicycles while on vacation.  Compared to some other Kickstarter pitches I've seen, that's a relative bargain.

Speaking of Austin and blogging about trips, I was in Austin this past weekend, and I'm about to blog about it, but while I'm sure you'll find it extremely tedious at least I'm not charging you for it.  By the way, if you're unfamiliar with Austin, it's the capital of Texas, it's hot enough to melt your "pants yabbies" and scald your bald spot (assuming you "run" a bald spot like I do), and it was a bicycle friendly community from 2007-2011:


I'm not sure what's happened since then, but presumably they've just said, "Fuck it."

Like a balding tumbleweed, I blew into town on Friday night, and I already found the town in a state of advanced revelry:


If you enjoy shirtless motorcycling, being drunk in revealing clothing, or just plain shouting "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" like a Fred who's just hit 46mph, then Austin is your kind of town.  If, on the other hand, you prefer more refined pleasures such as quiet cocktails, polite conversation, and maintaining your dignity, you might be more at home elsewhere.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Austin is tacky.  In fact, I've been there a number of times now, and I've developed a real affinity for it.  All I'm saying is that it often transcends tacky and goes straight to grotesque--to wit, these automobiles whose owners are presumably "sleeping one off" upstairs:


Hopefully they managed to "liase" with the limousine crew from the liquor store parking lot.

Of course, with the morning comes reflection, and I emerged to find a parade:


Which, as far as I could tell, was in celebration of this guy:


The bridge was closed to traffic for the festivities, but I slipped in behind some bicycle poloists and crossed it anyway, secure in the knowledge that if I incurred a flat tire I could at least borrow a floor pump:


Here's a deluxe float complete with a map of Texas and a fire extinguisher:

And here's a more pedestrian float complete with whatever the Texas versions of yentas are doing whatever the Texas equivalent of kibitzing is while sitting on bales of hay:


Here's a man large of girth taking a photograph:


And here are some helmentless motorcyclists bringing up the rear;


The only motorcyclists who wear helments in Austin seem to be the crotch rocket riders, who festoon them with mohawks and wear them in lieu of shirts, as I mentioned earlier.

By the way, snobby easterners seem to think Texans are intolerant, but this is far from the truth, for I was in town for a good ten hours before I even saw a slur painted on somebody's car:


You might think that's just a petty act of homophobic vandalism, but you'll notice that the driver has parked outside of the lines, and in the case of parking violations the Austin Police Department actually dispenses slurs instead of tickets.  (The vehicle registration displayed in your windshield includes your ethnic and religious background as well as your sexual orientation.)

Nevertheless, there's plenty of "alternative" behavior and lifestyles on display in Austin, hence all those bumper stickers that say "Keep Austin Weird."  People take this mandate seriously too, for where else are you likely to see a recumbent rider and a rider carrying a hula hoop well before 10am?


Then again, I think it's a hula hoop, though it could just be a gigantic earring:


By this point I was hungry, and so I tethered my Detachable Travel Chariot to the ol' hitchin' post and ordered up some vittles, making sure to refer to the waiter as "Underpants" like in that scene from "National Lampoon's Vacation:"


I also made sure to put on my best authentic Texas accent, but I don't think the waiter appreciated it.  Of course, not only is my accent is dead on, but everybody knows that locals love it when you speak to them in a broad parody of their accent.  Therefore, his unresponsiveness could only have been because, like most Austinites, he had probably moved there from Brooklyn less than two weeks ago.  In any case, as I sat there eating my huevos con matzoh, I could feel those laid back Austin vibes washing over me, the heat pummeling me into submission as I was slowly transformed into an ugly, balding version of Matthew McConaughey.  I was reasonably sure that, by around 9pm that night, I'd be cycling around shirtless and yelling "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" to nobody in particular.

Eventually though, I had to pull myself together for my ride and BRA at Mellow Johnny's, and on my way there I was nearly run down by a human-powered bar:


I'm reasonably sure that these were the ladies from the limousine I had spotted in the liquor store parking lot the night before:


And they seemed plussed in a way that only people drinking beer early in the day can be:


Once at the shop, riders gathered, and we set out onto the open road, my scalp sizzling in the midday sun:


I was immediately dropped on the "climbs:"


Though I quickly caught back on during the "descents:"


Finally, we stopped to admire the capital building:


Pictured here:


Before we returned to Mellow Johnny's for the BRA proper, during which I admirably managed not to collapse from heatstroke.

From there, it was on to Boulder, though I will wait until to molest you with the details concerning that trip.  In the meantime, I invite you to ponder this bicycle, which I spotted in that city:



Now that's a cockpit.

95 comments:

bikesgonewild said...

...the tension palpably builds...the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda' crowd starts to think to themselves "...maybe this is my day..."...

...bodies hunker lower over keyboards, fingers posed, twitching, ready to strike...

...'can i possibly be the one ???"...

...but only one will win that vaunted top step on the podium...who will it be ???...

Anonymous said...

!

Vaginally Stuffed, Literally Complaining said...

PODIUM

Scranuscular Valve said...

Podi-ish????

ken e. said...

cat 6! nice one BGW!

Anonymous said...

scranus

Blog Drafter said...

Top Ten anyway

Scranuscular Valve said...

Outsprinted by VSLC.....shit!

I HATE FOURTH!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Fifth and I stopped to read. Also reading floyd landis' book. Love fiction.

cycle

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Weed

El Smirkyboy said...

Snob, your descriptions of my hometown brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for reminding me of why I moved to Madison. Miss the food though.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

dang quick to the draw, bgw!

McFly said...

weeeeeednesday

Anonymous said...

On a bb, like racing on a Brompton

crosspalms said...

Not just plussed, but tatted, too. Wildcat, I think you made a friend.

Cadel said...

Linus Gerdemann is too fast for the autobahn

McFly said...

BGW,
That's the commenting equivilent of pedaling over the finish line backwards on a fixie eating a bologna sandwich with one hand and giving the peloton the finger with the other. Love, 13th place

Buy-cycle said...

Snob, Can you pitch this slogan to Brooks saddles?...'Brooks saddles, it's like a pillow for your scranus'. Take all the royalties, I'm feeling generous.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ mcfly...hey, i was just waving...honest...

...LOL...

Anonymous said...

LATE SNOB

Anonymous said...

It's actually "we be fixin' "

Top XX

Anonymous said...

I miss the tacos, but I don't miss the Austin heat.




balls™

Marcel Da Chump said...

Any woman who drinks beer in the morning is a godess.

singlespeedwaster said...

Damn, it WAS my day, but I guess I punctured

CommieCanuck said...

That wasn't a human powered bar, that was the road crew for the travelling live show of "Coyote Ugly" now in it's 12th smash season.
I've seen "Coyote Ugly on Ice" 6 times now, it's a tour de force.. a triumph!.

I stared at that picture of Linus for 20 seconds and my legs went numb.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Not just any old blog but J & J will be writing a backer only blog. So all the rest of you cheapskates will can just suck it!

I can tell you were really in Texas. The bent guy and the pretty tatted girl both got their shit-kickers on.

Kudos bgw for a classy podium.

Buffalo Bill said...

Y'all need one of them thar cyclin' cap thangs.

Lady in the boots was definitely plussed. That is a come hither look if ever I've seen one, so the bald spot obviously isn't holding you back too badly snob.

Or maybe she was just mugging for the camera.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Lob, what an epic wait for that post. Totally bonked from no lunch and poof! arrière du peloton. So what could possibly be the point of the yellow flag on the back of that giraffe bike? The10 foot head that looks eerily similar to Linus "girly man" Gerdemann's twitpic is not noticable enough? Safety first I guess

bikesgonewild said...

...ya think that big yellow car belongs to that 'tour da france' guy that won all them yellow t-shirts or some hot rod chick who thinks she's 'the yellow rose of texas' ???...

...

Anonymous said...

Austin is cool! Too bad they aren't that biker friendly anymore!

Anonymous said...

I google cycling bra and it brings me to your very sarcastic web-log with no bras for sale.

Anonymous said...

panties!

Anonymous said...

Wierd panties!

McFly said...

I can't decide what's freakin me out more: 1) The Radioshack dude lookin like a young, gay version of Randy Travis or 2)That giraffe/dragonfly helicopter bike.
P.S. Boots and skirts are always hot.

RANTWICK said...

I know you were joking, but that Linus staring thing has me all messed up now.

Anonymous said...

Actually, fixin' is a Southernism. In Kentucky and points south fixin' does function commonly as a synonym for "to be about to," as in "I'm fixin to fix that flat tire on my bike, but first I'm fixin' to get me another helpin of that moonshine and possum gravy."

mikeweb said...

Bologna sandwich or not, execellent job bgw!

(Looking forward to McFly's analysis of the bar-on-wheels females).

yogisurf said...

I just figured out where I have seen that Linus Gerdemann glare before. When somebody in full kit sees my hood mounted rear view mirror on my Dentist bike.

CommieCanuck said...

Bologna? Baloney.

Bologna sandwich implies it has something to do with region in Italy, which implies culinary excellence.

It's Baloney, or as we know it by it's generic term: ground-up pig scranus pumped into a condom. Pass le Moutard jeune.

mikeweb said...

WCRM, don't be coy.

Those limo ladies are obviously in the midst of a bachelorette party, and you were obviously the 'entertainment'.

Or maybe it was Linus Gerdemann.

bikesgonewild said...

...thanks, guys...i gotta do it now & again just so us 'ol dudes' stay lookin' good, ya ???...

...& being an honorary italian, cc, i'll go with 'bologna'...

...just sayin'...

Quilled and Lugged said...

I suspect you had a ready-made there bgw, just cut-and-pasted at the perfect moment. Or do you really type at secretarial speeds...

Also, indeed 'it's about 75 miles from London to Ipswich', and pretty flat miles too. Nothing epic about that juorney...

thegock said...

BATN KILL

WINNER said...

PODIUM, MADDEFACKERS. WHERE YOU AT???

Anonymous said...

Tip:
Barton Springs has topless swimming and sunbathing goin on. Well worth the 11 minute bike ride down from the Capitol bldg.

BOOB BOOB

zoomer said...

What a woosie, it was only in the 80s, that ain't hot. I bet them wimmen wernt even sans panties yet.
Come back in august!
Scranus!

oh, and No Weed Panties.

Anonymous said...

Austin is very cool. I love the Spam Museum.

Annie Angello said...

Should have skipped the world's crappiest beer festival and gone to ride bikes with the Snob

The meaning of "is" said...

"Of course, not only is my accent is dead on..."

The wizard of is said...

That is how they is talks down there, is is it not?

Matt said...

I hadn't previously thought of using Kickstarter to fund my vacations, but these goofballs are >70% there already. I'm surprised that a mention in BikeSnob hasn't pushed them over the top. Of course, a thousand bucks should just about cover the excess baggage fees to haul their bikes over and back.

DerZoots said...

Weedsey.

Luke Wilson said...

I have a dumb question, when you use a bike with s/s couples can't somebody just unscrew them and swipe your bike? I am being serious.

Hal Kitsmiller said...

the only people who find austin weird are social conservatives, southern baptists, and christian fundamentalists...which is why they chose to live there.

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Jimbo! said...

written by Harry Crews, directed by Sam fucking Peckinpah

Anonymous said...

Austin called and told me it's not too pleased with it's BSNYC review. So I came here to check it out.

It seems to need more exposition.

Why is Austin no longer as bike friendly as it once was?
Was it really hot or did it just feel hot?
What makes those automobiles "grotesque" in your opinion?
Really, what was that parade commemorating?
Were you tripping massively the entire time you were there? It sure seems so to this commenter. NTTAWWT.

McFly said...

As for that pedalin' drunk autobus goes I looked it up the internet(yes, it's still around) @ www.sweatyhotaustincrotches.com and it explains that if they hit 12.6 MPH, which is like, alot more in Celcius then it triggers a mechanism and Mario Cipolinni Himself springs forth from that oak cask wearing his famous zebra skinsuit with the front crotch cut out ready to regale the drunken lassessess with tales of Giro wins. And also penis. Cipo says,"I am a little leary about the 3rd one on the right but I will plow through some pussy on a stick if it means I can get to that boot/skirt/tattoo'd combo on the left." He then gently whispers two words in Italian into her ear, "reverse cowgirllllllllll."

Anonymous said...

I stared deep into Linus' hauntingly empty eyes for a bit too long and he turned me into a chicken.
Its OK, though, my wife says we need the eggs.
Haaaaayyyyyoooooo.
Thank you.
I'll be here all week.
Try the veal.

Anonymous said...

@Luke, I think this is why WCRM is schlepping his bike into every BRA whorehouse. Or he knows that slightly-undersized-coupled-viagra-stem-position-untrue-wheeled-Surlys riden by low-tolerance-for-any-type-of-TX-heat-semi-professional-bloggers who can't climb worth a shit turns librarian types into raging nymphos.

Lance Fucking Armstrong said...

I call dibs on the blonde with the sunglasses.

Builder said...

http://gizmodo.com/5899053/you-can-pull-the-worlds-smallest-pop+up-camper-with-your-bike/gallery/1

Builder said...

http://gizmodo.com/5899053/you-can-pull-the-worlds-smallest-pop+up-camper-with-your-bike/gallery/1

Builder said...

http://gizmodo.com/5899053/you-can-pull-the-worlds-smallest-pop+up-camper-with-your-bike/gallery/1

BikeSnobNYC said...

Luke Wilson,

I actually used to wonder that before I had one. Now that I do I realize it would be pretty hard to do unless they had the S&S tool. I'm guessing most thieves aren't walking around with one, but I could certainly be wrong. I also think if you're not familiar with them it's not immediately obvioius what they are or how they work.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

leroy said...

My dog claims that Knog blinders can induce Oedipal complex.

He says he wants one for a friend.

Anonymous said...

VAGT ROLY

Anonymous said...

Can make a kickstarter to buy snob a decent camera? Those pictures are tiny. Oh better yet, a video camera so he can drop some sweet "edits".

Anonymous said...

i know this kickstarter thing seems like bullshit but they are getting people to fund their stupid adventures. back in the 'day', i had to use my pell grant or some loan i had no intention of ever paying to fund my fucking off to europe. good for them.

Unknown said...

ur dumb those cars r dope

Anonymous said...

Austin is amazing! There are people who act like damn fools everywhere. And there are SO MANY places in that city to have a quiet drink, eat refined food and have great conversations. It seems like you only experienced loud. vulgar, college party Austin. Boo :(

bikesgonewild said...

...@ quilled & lugged...

...to paraphrase 'the who's tommy'...

..."He's a 'bikesnob blogger'
There's got to be a twist.
A 'bikesnob blogger',
S'got such a supple wrist..."
...

...i'm not sure but i think these were the original lyrics before they went with that 'pinball' stuff...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

My "mornings" love you, Mr. Snob. I patiently await your return to Puddletown. I just may be able to attend if my shithead coworkers follow through on their promise to cover my shift that day. Ima circumvent the usual car waxing by paying you a simple compliment; Wait, is this an email? ugh... Stupid, stupid insomnia...xo

Anonymous said...

The stars at night, are big and bright, *clapclapclap* deep in the heart of Texas!

Anonymous said...

Well, well...I see someone actually fired up the pussy wagon. And it's powered by pussy. Genius. Renewable energy in it's simplest, finest, wettest form. I like it sir.

Anonymous said...

This pedalin' is makin me thirsty.

Anonymous said...

The Vag at night...
Is wet and tight...
smack smack smack smack...
Ridin'on a carrrrrrt in Texas...

ghulam sarwar said...

thank you for sharing

McFly said...

Upon reflection the podium girl on the right is obviously a seasoned pro when it comes to the moneyshot because she has adopted the standard "let me get my bangs out of the way position", she also has nice elbow form. She aims to please so you aim to please. The other girl, well....her last boyfriend must have been into kinky shit.

JB said...

You're wrong McFly. Left podium girl is the keeper. She's up for anything.

Anonymous said...

DIRT BATH...golden shower's are for wimps.

Anonymous said...

Brooks - why ride on cobblestones when you can sit on them?

cycle

Darryl Impey said...

Sorry for the confusion. Prior to the podium celebration I had explained to the girls that due to all the spicy foods I have been eating while in Europe that I may blast out an accidental hot karl while simultaneously executing my podium ejaculation. They we're just following explicit orders.

Mike in Dallas said...

"the Texas equivalent of kibitzing is while sitting on bales of hay:"

That would be "jawwin'"

Anonymous said...

Linus Gerdemann makes my pants yabbies feel funny.

Anonymous said...

Panties! Did I already say that?

Quilled and Lugged said...

bgw, good riposte. I can't top that one today...

Unknown said...

Reposted irrelavantly here to bring yr urgent attention to coverage of Chicago BRA: My one chance at fame, thwarted! I recognize that the photo featuring out-of-focus guy showed a more representative swath of attendees milling around, but where's the love for the crooked-nosed guy in the purple hat? I mean, I WORE A PURPLE HAT! Was it my AHTBM sticker on my thermal mug? I don't think I was holding it in the photo YOU TOOK, unfortunately. Fercrissakes!

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Miles said...

I wonder what the woo-hoo speed is for the elliptigo 8? around 20kph when the wobbles start. Why can't runners just cycle instead of creaming up 'running' bikes?

Robert said...

Liked the pic of the shoes

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