Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Back in Town: Rock's Not Dead, It's Just Resting Comfortably

After a week of travel, I am finally back home in my solar-powered log cabin in rural Vermont, the sweet smell of rotting compost wafting in through the open window and a whole vegan pig (machined from a single piece of tofu billet) roasting on a spit over an open fire.  "So how do you like being on tour?," you're almost certainly not asking at this moment.  Well, there are some things I like about it, and there are other things I don't like about it.  For example, one thing I like is that touring allows me to keep up on nationwide fashion trends:



That's right, that is indeed a pair of authentic Michael Ball pants, and they are being worn in conjunction with long and pointy clown shoes that appear to be made from some kind of deceased reptile.  From this I can conclude that, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Rock is still not dead:


At least not in the midwest, where perhaps they still haven't gotten the message that Rock is in fact extremely dead.

What I don't like though is that touring forces me to miss the latest cycling industry news and Spring Classics-themed product launches.  For example, did you know that the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company has a new bicycle called the Domane?


In case you didn't know, the hottest segment in crabon bicycles right now is the comfy road bike.  This is partially because the various bike companies realize that people want to be comfy, but it's mostly because they also realized that crabon allows them to incorporate all sorts of bizarre shapes and blobs that make the bike look comfy.  Sure, in most cases the shapes and blobs aren't really doing anything, but consumers have a hard time believing something is comfy unless a salesperson can point to something like a bow-shaped tube or a plastic blob and say "That thing will make you comfy."  For example, you can't really point to a longer wheelbase or a different geometry, but you can point to a silicon breast implant, as Specialized does with its own comfy road bike, the Roubaix:



(Incidentally, I recently overheard a fascinating conversation in an LBS in which one customer was telling another to get a Specialized instead of a Giant because the Specialized comes from America but the Giant comes from Taiwan.  I was tempted to explain the inaccuracy of that statement, but it was so cute that he actually believed it that I didn't have the heart to spoil his fantasy.)

Meanwhile, Volagi skips the plastic blobs in favor of the "patent- pending LongBow Flex™ stay:"


Clearly they're onto something here (at least from a marketing perspective) because, as we all know, Specialized sued them for it.  Sure, Volagi may have won that case, but next they'll have to fend off a lawsuit from the Bowflex home gym people:

The man depicted above is actually Bowflex's lawyer, and you can tell from his oiled skin and rock-hard abs that he means business.

Amazingly though, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company hasn't had a comfy crabon road bike to compete with these bikes--until now.  They're not messing around, either, because the Domane has an "IsoSpeed junction:"


Sure, you could get a more comfortable seat or some wider tires, but that not nearly as Fred-tastic as having this kind of proprietary ass-pivot technology.  And it works, too--at least according to the "Bicycling" write-up:

While riding on those Belgian cobbles, I was able to look down and see the pivot moving a rather surprising amount. Despite the constant motion in the frame, the saddle felt firm, and the ride was very smooth. I still felt the bumps, but a significant portion of the cobbles’ force got lost along the path to my hands and butt. I could keep my full weight on the saddle and not get bounced out by the bigger hits. This allowed me to comfortably stay seated on some very rough roads and keep the tempo high—just like the best Classics racers.

Yes, you too can be just like the best Classics riders.  Of course, that last part is doubly awkward, because one of the best Classics racers was riding the Domane at Flanders this past weekend and things didn't go so well for him:


There's nothing funny about a rider getting injured, nor did Cancellara's choice bike have anything to do with his misfortune, but it just goes to show how the power of marketing can backfire.  Indeed, the marketing game is a dangerous one, and we associate bike brands with losses just as we do with wins, even though in most cases the bike itself was largely immaterial.  For example, we associate Trek with all those Tour de France victories, but we also associate it with certain Classics disasters.  In fact, when it comes to the Classics, nobody beats Trek's rider ejection record:


Actually, we can probably blame the bike for that one, because, you know, the handlebars aren't supposed to come off a bike while you're riding.  Incidentally, astute readers may have noted that Hincapie was also riding Trek's previous iteration of the ass-pivot technology, which was called "SPA," or "Suspension Performance Advantage:"


Hopefully they paid as much attention to the front end of the bike as they did to the rear this time around.  I suppose it's only a matter of time before the industry revisits suspension road forks--which, it turns out, some people are still using:


Now that's roadie retro-chic.

In other cycling news, I suppose I'd be remiss if I didn't at least briefly address the latest photos of Conan O'Brien astride his Serotta:


Even by the low standards of this blog, it's a bit petty to pick on someone like Conan O'Brien for the way he looks while he's riding a bicycle, so I'm not going to do it.  Really, given how busy he is I'm just happy to see he makes time to ride at all, and the fact that he does must mean he has genuine passion for the activity.  Nevertheless, I do think we at least have to examine his unorthodox lever position:


It's hard to think of a good reason for O'Brien to keep his levers in the "checking your wristwatch" position, though I'm going to go with the theory that they got knocked out of whack it a travel case and that he didn't know how to fix them.

Speaking of traveling with a bike, this is ostensibly a bike-themed blog, and traveling with a bike is a popular subject among bike dorks, of which I am one.  Therefore, I feel compelled to briefly share my own experiences traveling with a bicycle this past week, since having just flown nearly every day for an entire week they may be of value to some people.

As I mentioned briefly awhile back, this is my Detachable Travel Chariot.  It happens to be a Surly, but obviously there are numerous options for bicycle frames with couplers, both custom and ready-made:


The above picture is now a few weeks old, but having been packed and unpacked about six or seven times since then it looks more or less the same.  You might notice that the frame is a just tad on the small side, but that's what was available to me at the time, and it doesn't really matter since with a long stem in the Viagra position it fits me perfectly well.  Plus, the unforeseen benefit of the smaller frame is that it makes the bike easier to pack, and I don't have to remove either the forks or the cranks to pack the bike--just the obvious stuff like the wheels and seatpost and pedals and handlebars, which makes packing and unpacking a relatively painless 20 minute or so affair if I go about it leisurely with one eye on the hotel TV.  (Obviously I put the saved airline fees towards pay-per-view adult programming, that should go without saying.)

As for the case I use, it's one of these, and I have yet to incur a single airline bicycle fee (knock wood).  However, this does occasionally require lying, since it doesn't look like a suitcase and so the person checking your bag will sometimes ask what's inside.  Saying it's a "presentation display" has worked for me.  (Also, that's technically not a lie, since the bike is usually somewhere near me while I'm BRAing and thus qualifies as a prop.)  Also, one time I sighed and said "It's a long story..." and that also worked (I was pretty tired at the time), though I wouldn't recommend trying that one.

Anyway, once they tag the "presentation display" in they just throw it on the belt like any other piece of luggage, and then it generally comes trundling out with all the rest of the baggage once you get to wherever it is you're going (though once in Denver it came out with the oversized stuff).  Here it is arriving in Chicago:


Though at this point the actual condition of the contents is still a mystery and a source of great suspense:


Still, I refrained from looking until I reached my hotel:


At which point I flipped it open:


Note that I use no padding or protection of any kind, because that's for "woosies," and I didn't put together a travel bike so I could fuss about it getting scratched, which it certainly does.  I also leave as much in situ as possible in order to save time and effort, and this includes the lights:


Which in this case are Knog Blinders:


Which I mention because I'll be giving away some Knog Blinders under the auspices of this blog in the near future.

Anyway, my utter refusal to pamper the bike or handle it carefully in any way has thus far not been an issue.  In fact, it just so happens that my stop in Chicago was the only one on which my bike emerged needing any real maintenance, and when I put it together I noticed the wheels were pretty wobbly.  So I flipped it over and went to work with the spoke wrench:


(Yes, I always match my socks to the hotel carpeting.)

With that done, it was ready to "slay" Chicago in true Cat 6 fashion.

Of course, at this point the circus bike enthusiasts are saying, "Wouldn't it be even easier to travel with a folding bike?"  Well, sure it would, but there is one problem, which is that I don't own a folding bike.  Plus, it's nice to have a full-sized bike for when you want to ride through a sandpit like we did in Boulder, Coloradee:


I totally would have had to run that if I were riding a Brompton.

Speaking of Chicago, a reader yesterday left the following comment:

greenpinkblue said...


Are you going to post about Chicago or just prattle on about Madison's overabundance of infrastructure (or smugfrastructure as it's commonly known in the mid-west) forever? You gotta rep "the Chi" cuz it's a REAL mid-west city complete with raging taxis, copious pot holes, and drunk driving sporting fans. Also, next time you're in town come visit us at the Recyclery Collective. We're fans.


Indeed, unlike Madison, Chicago was a real urban jungle.  Not only were there distinguished-looking gentlemen gesticulating in front of my hotel:


But in my short time there I also experienced dreadful conditions such as this:


And this:


And even this:


Sure, that's just the Lakefront Trail, but the streets there are equally hostile:


Amazingly though I arrived unscathed at TATI Cycles, a lovely and intimate shop full of cycling finery as well as frames handmade by the owner:


Once assembled, we headed back onto the Lakefront Trail:


Where a wave very nearly washed us out into the Atlantic or the Pacific or whatever ocean it is that's next to Chicago:


They say it's a lake, but I say that's bullshit.

Finally, we arrived at On The Route Bicycles:


Where very nice people who had probably just come there to shop for helments were forced to listen to me bloviate:


After which I disappeared into the night:



In all, it was a short but delightful visit, though that could be because this woman was praying for me the entire time:


There's no telling what might have happened otherwise.

104 comments:

Kenny said...

SORRY, I MISPLACED MY CAPS LOCK KEY!

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!!

Anonymous said...

top ten?

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Just off?

Anonymous said...

Top Five and a bloated post.

Loving the bloated post!

It's virtually distended with bloat.

Anonymous said...

holymoley! ten!

Vaginally Stiff, Literally Compliant said...

COUPLING!

RANTWICK said...

Bloviate. Word selection has always been one of your strengths, wildcat. Well done.

Anonymous said...

top 10! I should be working. I read it, too!

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Wow! First podium in, like, forever!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten?

ken e. said...

epic post!

Anonymous said...

The Boulder ride must have really sucked, the silence if deafening. Glad I stayed home and worked on the burley mounted trebuchet for Tour de Fat.

Anonymous said...

Viagric post

singlespeedwaster said...

Hellooooooooooo top 20! Those numbers count, they really do

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

I've been following you to most of your BRAs but unfortunately I missed Boulder, CO because of an Occupy Flat Tire (I heard you played Purple Rain with a vacuum cleaner). My next stop on your tour will be San Francisco. I know you rarely repeat a performance so can I request Free Bird?

Also, I'll be selling Grilled Cheese Sando's out of my Bakfiets in the parking lot. Just trying to keep the dream alive.

dcee604 said...

top something?

crosspalms said...

Kenny,
In a pinch, you can use a helment as a cap lock.

Anonymous said...

Anon @12:44

It's called blogpacing. It's similar to blogdrafting and blogsprinting.

The Snob is a Pro/Cat1 at all three.

Right now he is sitting in, biding his time and material. He knows all too well how few matches he has to burn before he's forced to mine the interwebs for sundry cycling oddments.

Don't force an attack on our hero; it's been a long week.

Patience, Snob, don't take the bait. You've got the legs...

BEDAZZLER said...

PODEEEEEUM. EAT MY EPIC DUST!!!

Anonymous said...

top twenty

meh.

Anonymous said...

BALLS™

Cipo said...

eating pussy

Anonymous said...

whoops. just missed it.

double meh.

crosspalms said...

Next from Trek should be a comfy road bike made of biodegradable, edible fiber: the Edamame

Buffalo Bill said...

Lob loves you snob, don't pay any heed to that god guy.

leroy said...

Spoke wrench?

Piffle.

Real pros uses a tuning fork.

If you get it right, you can pluck the opening Eb octave riff to Purple Haze on the drive side before launching into the E minor riff on the remaining spokes.

Seriously.

I think.

Sort of.

Maybe.

le Correcteur said...

Snob,
"The man depicted above is actually Bowflex's lawyer"

Are you sure? Mightn't he just be Cipo with a haircut?

Also, I suggest you coin (or at least publicize) the neologism "blogiating." Or maybe it should be "blogviating" instead. Such a word was not required in the time of the dachshund's hind legs; but it is now; and you can make it happen.

And glad you caught the weirdness of Conan's brifters.

le Correcteur

leroy said...

Spoke wrench?

Piffle.

Real pros uses a tuning fork.

If you get it right, you can pluck the opening Eb octave riff to Purple Haze on the drive side before launching into the E minor riff on the remaining spokes.

Seriously.

I think.

Sort of.

Maybe.

Anonymous said...

At least Chitown doesn't have any goddamned shadows on their Fredways.

Neil said...

Domane...pronounced like "umami"

Anonymous said...

Take that Bicycling Trek write-up and replace "cobbles" with "freshman college girl" and it sounds just like something I read in Penthouse Forumn.

Anonymous said...

That video of the woman "leisurely assembling" her bike, is true bike porn.

We are a sick lot!

Cipo said...

That's right, no more of this nonsense carbon frames full of crazy shapes and blobs. Let's just sell generic taiwan frames with our stickers, crazy color schemes and pricey tags on them.

No spacers for me! said...

"Stem in the Viagra position". LOVE it! Preferable to the pro wannabe look with molto spacers below the zero drop stem that says "I'll lose this gut one day and lose those spacers as well". No- you won't. Just buy a Viagra stem, or, better yet, flip a stem to get that rise.

McFly said...

That multi-tool has an IsoSpeed Junction so when it slips out and you jab it viciously into her taint it will not break.
TAIN TJAB

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I didn't know you had a glass eye.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

God I love how she closes those skewers.

Blog Drafter said...

If that's Lob's cathedral so close to your hotel you should have pontificated there instead of bloviating in the LBS.

Just sayin...

streepo said...

scranus

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

@ recumbent conspiracy theorist;

Those pulsating calipers are pretty damn hot too.

xyxax said...

Hyde Park is Chicago's comfy seat stay.

Anonymous said...

"They say it's a lake, but I say that's bullshit."

My new favorite line from this blog. I've been trying for years to impress upon my girlfriend just how large the great lakes are. Maybe this will save me a trip to Duluth.

Anonymous said...

David Byrne rides for Bromptom. CAT 2 or 3, I believe.

Billy said...

What's with all these cycling freeways out in the midwest? Boston needs to get on that, for serious.

Anonymous said...

Nothing you have ever written has made me want to ride (or even visit) NYC. Your last blogs about Madison and Chicago make we want to visit and ride in these two cities. That is what I call greasing and repacking of bike culture.

Anonymous said...

Do they snowplow those Madisontrails in the winter? Like, the winter that lasts half a year?

petrus said...

Life? What is life? said the once and former Mensch as he slid slowly from his bicycle under the raging taxi driven by the old Nigerian who used to ride a bike before distributing lottery funds and blasted inheritances to long lost relatives. He told me so. and there was blood.

True story. now coming to a big scream near U.

Anonymous said...

@anon 2:55

I googled for you:

http://host.madison.com/wsj/news/local/ask/article_f86a360c-0b8b-11e0-a946-001cc4c002e0.html

Short answer: Yes

don the cyclist said...

Rock is dead? Steel is real.

mikeweb said...

You look extremely non-plussed in the sandpit photo.

bikesgonewild said...

...coco is test riding the latest 'turn signal brifters'...

...not on the market...yet...

bikesgonewild said...

...recumbent conspiracy theorist @1:54pm...

...bwahahaha !!!...good eye...i mean yours, not his...

mikeweb said...

John S. Hall also has a detachable bike. Or is it a detachable something else...

Owen said...

http://www.cyclingnews.com/features/photos/tech-gallery-pro-bikes-at-the-2012-tour-of-flanders/215330

That is the PRO way to knock wood.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Conan's hand signal: "help me, I'm a celebrity".

Justin said...

Lakefront Trail, sponsored by Nike?

bikesgonewild said...

...hmmm, mikeweb...doesn't that kinda make you wonder what the 'inspiration' was for king missile to first write the song & then conjure up the video ???...

...woulda had me baffled 'cept i guess it's 'art'......

bikesgonewild said...

..."...authentic Michael Ball pants...in conjunction with long and pointy clown shoes...made from...(a)...deceased reptile..."...

...admit it, bsnyc/rtms/wcrm - panda shot...

McFly said...

WTF is that sketchy lookin' dude doing under his apron in front of Tati Cycles? Is Tati italian for Titty? Is there anything boobies cannot accomplish?

Anonymous said...

Waiting to swoop a Specialized Roubaix until they release the throwback to LA Gear shoes with lights integrated into the plastic blob

bikesgonewild said...

...gonna get on my 'conan o'brien' bike & ease on down the road...

...by the way...i heard that you can get high by chewing the inserts from s'perry roobay frames...

...just sayin'...

jno62 said...

Machine Roasted Vegans.

Another great band name.

Go Snob!

Ray Sexlight said...

TEAM COCO

Anonymous said...

That "patent- pending LongBow Flex™ stay" is just a marketing ploy to get onto the Hunger Games band wagon

Poppa Wheelie said...

Holy shit!
That wood tandem is cool!

leroy said...

BGW @ 4:27 --

Ix-nay on the ew-chaying of the serts-inay. My dog is reading this stuff.

zoomer said...

Top 69 again?

Scranus!

oh, and stainless connector
Weed Panties

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh, sorry, leroy...i was high as a kite on the 'sert-inay' buzz when i wrote that...

...i forgot how impressionable 'certain' commentators are here in clown alley...

...i saw several s-perry roobays abandoned by the side of the road on my ride today...all of 'em missing their inserts...

DerZoots said...

ha ha!
You showed Chicago nerd how Un-urban a New Yorker finds Chi-town.

Ha ha

Poppa Wheelie said...

The Wild Cat Rock Machine bike assembler featured in your travel video there is an awesome part of your team.
Vito the helper monkey can't do everything. ...and probably shouldn't.

Anonymous said...

Yea verily, Rock dieth not, neither knoweth it what to do with the apostrophe.

West Coaster said...

@Billy said...

What's with all these cycling freeways out in the midwest? Boston needs to get on that, for serious.
-----

I thought they buried all the roads in Boston so that bikes got to rule the roost above ground.

notoriousDUG said...

Just an FYI, the hand built frames at Tati were actually built by Humble Frame Works a local Chicago frame builder.

bikesgonewild said...

...those frames pictured in the window look like rick hunter's work...

JDH (In Quincy, North of Hannibal) said...

Conan's strange brake lever placement may be because, it appears, his handlebars are upside-down pull-backs.

Anonymous said...

Conan's Brifters? I almost missed'm due to the blinding glare of white skin.Of course you can tell he's an experienced rider from the jersey/chinos combo...

Quilled and Lugged said...

Is there any way we can outlaw use of the term brifters? It is such a loathsome word...

McFly said...

I just picked up a set of new take-offs 105 5700 Shrakes WITH INTERNAL CABLE ROUTING! Ahhhhhhhhh.....I.C.R., maybe my aero OCD will subside once I install these new Shrakes.

Anonymous said...

back to BAck hhehehahahha

Anonymous said...

Fabian cancellara
@f_cancellara It is really sad and pitty.but thats live.i am proud to guys in yesterdays race.they show big moral after i crahsed. #thanksrsnt
(European cycle would not same without broke english)

Dann said...

Why the switch from the Gatorskins to the Paselas?

Anonymous said...

Rock's not dead. It's just been taken over by a large, Midwestern based retail giant known as Kohl's to help promote upscale spending in their stores, but not the sorta upscale spending that used to apply to Rock's clothes.

Letle Viride said...

FOR SALE:One(1) used dragon. Green, scaley. Flame blows intermittently(may need new pilot light). Answers to "Napalm Nick". Will consider trade for CaTrike recumbent.

philip williamson said...

"Domane" is "Madone" spelled inside-out.

bikesgonewild said...

...phillip williamson...now 'that's' not only funny but true...

CommieCanuck said...

I had to click on that last photo to read it:

"Pregnant? You're not alone, Women's aid can help...Until the baby is born, then we'll dump your slutty ass and your bastard child, burn in hell. Have a nice day."

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of which...

...cav & peta todd are proud new parents of delilah grace cavendish...

...bsnyc/rtms/wcrm must have been invited to the birth...

Anonymous said...

Madison has many bike ways because we elect politicians who support bike culture. Having businesses like Trek and Saris Cycling Group helps A LOT, as they donate $$$$ to all the bike related causes. We also have specific days set aside for lobbying at our capitol.

Madison winters don't last as long as people think. Our winter was only 3 weeks long this year. Seriously. Sometimes they last 4 months...it's kind of fun to guess how bad/good it will be.

The bike paths are plowed before the roads are and fat bikes are becoming a very popular winter commuter option.

We may or may not be the next Portland, we'll see when people start flocking here not just for college and jobs at EPIC Systems.

Tourism is always welcomed as it's fun to point and laugh at people who drive the wrong ways down our confusing one way streets or drive down State St. (cyclists need not apply)

Thanks BSNYC for visiting. We hope to have you back!

Anonymous said...

Doesn't this bike tour seem exactly like the last one? And how different can the book be?

Unknown said...

My one chance at fame, thwarted! I recognize that the photo featuring out-of-focus guy showed a more representative swath of attendees milling around, but where's the love for the crooked-nosed guy in the purple hat? I mean, I WORE A PURPLE HAT! Was it my AHTBM sticker on my thermal mug? I don't think I was holding it in the photo, unfortunately.

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Robert said...

I suppose the overwhelming evidence is there.

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