Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rocky Mountain BRA: Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

Boulder, Colorado:


Resplendent in mountainy deliciousness, Boulder has been home to cyclists of all kinds for thousands of years:


Indeed, over the years, exavations excevations digs in and around this city of [insert population here] people have yielded incredible discoveries, among them early lightweight iron low spoke count racing wheels:



(Reasonably aero for its day, though it cornered poorly.)


The first known power meter:

(Is there a Roman numeral for "You suck?")

And of course these fossilized remains of Homo Velocipedus, believed to be almost 200,000 years old:



(Dubbed "Eddy," this early racer was perfectly preserved in lava when a volcano erupted during the Tour de Pleistocene.)

This is the common ancestor from whom all modern Freds are believed to have evolved:


Indeed, road bikes are everywhere in this ancient city, both under people and on top of cars, and to wander about on a late Sunday morning is to see all manner of group rides returning to the hermetically sealed smugness bubble that is Boulder:


As you might imagine, Boulder is an exceedingly easy city in which to travel by bicycle:


And it even has its own bike share system, despite the fact that you can walk from one end of town to the other in like 14 minutes, and even though the latest census figures indicate the city contains 46 titanium bicycles for every one Boulderite:


Then again, the bike share bikes are pretty much the only ones in town on which it is optional to wear cycling clothing:


Sure, spandex may be optional, but the smugness is mandatory.  Dubbed "B-cycle," the program is only about a year old.  They would have had it much sooner, but officials spent about 18 months debating the relative benefits of 700c, 650b, and 29-inch wheels.

Indeed, Boulder is a rough and tumble frontier town:


A feller needs to watch hisself here, because if he doesn't he's liable to get crushed in a post-ride brunch stampede:


Or else incapacitated by an "epic" breakfast burrito:


I'm sorry to say the burrito got the best of me, but I blame the altitude.  I'm also sorry to say I missed what must have been a great ElliptiGO group ride:



Those ElliptiGOers know how to "throw down," especially when they're dorking duking it out for the town line sprint:



After getting walloped by my burrito, I ambled over to the Pear Street Mall, where someone was playing the drums in a tribal mask:


People sometimes mock Boulder for its lack of diversity, but between Drumming Guy of Ambiguous Ethnicity and White Duder With Blond Dreadlocks Walking His Bike I had clearly stumbled upon a vibrant cultural enclave:


Meanwhile, at the other end of the mall lurked this guy:



At first I couldn't figure out what he was supposed to be:


But then I realized he must be one of those car wash scrubbers:


I'm not sure this was actually his giraffe bicycle:


But I certainly like to think so.

As much as I would have liked to don my chicken suit and join the pageantry, I had "business" to attend to, and so I headed over to Vecchio's Bicicletteria for the start of the ride:


Having heard about Vecchio's for many years, I'd been looking forward to finally visiting, and I'm pleased to say the shop and its proprietors more than met my expectations.  Vecchio's needs no introduction--unless of course you never heard of it, though I'm not going to introduce it anyway because they have a website that will do a much better job.  Once inside, I snapped some photos:


Though that was mostly because I was still in distress from my battle with that breakfast burrito, and hiding behind my "smarting phone" helped me mask the look of discomfort on my face.

Soon, we gathered behind the shop:



Put on our best plussed expressions:




And headed off for a leisurely tour of the town:


Of course, this being Boulder, we did have some sandbaggers, like the guy up the road who has a bike company and won a race called the Giro d'Italia.

There was also this guy, who had a customized "You Suck" PowerTap:


Though the picture didn't come out because I suck at photography almost as badly as I suck at bike riding.

The centerpiece of the ride was the Valmont Bike Park, and while I may suck at riding a bike I'm at least smart enough to know to get on the wheel of the guy who won the Giro:


Looking at this beautifully designed park and the young people enjoying it, I thought of my own youth spent riding BMX bikes, and of the long drive to the race track in Bellmore.  Then I thought of the fact that the children of Boulder had only to pedal a short distance to enjoy the sort of dirt-oriented bicycling of which I had only dreamed at that age.

I'd like to say it made me happy for them, but mostly it made me want to puke.

Anyway, we rode to the top of the park:


Gazed down the runup for the cyclocrossing:


And then we all made our way back down again:


Looking very much like the characters in "The Seventh Seal:"


I should add that those who braved the descent included one child portager and one recumbent trike pilot:



Anyway, down we rode:


Until we all reached the bottom:


And I bore witness to a real life recumbent trike beer hand-down:


From which it was on to the Boulder Book Store to the BRA, where I spoke before a capacity crowd:


I can honestly say the pleasure was all mine.  The disappointment, on the other hand, belonged entirely to the attendees.

96 comments:

Anonymous said...

Frist again!

Kenny said...

I dreamed last night I was attending a conference, and the speaker picked me as a volunteer so he could show the whole crowd how easy it was to access anyone's entire medical history. He gave me an iPad to use and enter my name and PIN number, and I entered the wrong PIN number over and over because I didn't want the audience to know that I had neuticles.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

bang! poduim

poole said...

top ten yehaaw

Anonymous said...

top ten

AYHSMB

Perry said...

Top Ten!

Billy said...

Top 10!

Anonymous said...

yes!

cycle

singlespeedwaster said...

It surely is a rocky road to the scranus of the podium

dan said...

Top 10!!!!!

Anonymous said...

CROC BABE

mikeweb said...

Oh, THAT Boulder. Meh.

I prefer the other 'boulders'.

ken e. said...

urrrghhh!

Matt said...

Did you find yourself breathless? Between the awesom scenery, epic burrito and high altitude?

Anonymous said...

Kenny,
my medical history:
Born
Broken bones due to teenager bike-jumping activity
Old
Dead*

*that last one is projected data

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Looks kind of hot there. Are you sure it wasn't the heat?

Buffalo Bill said...

So, the trip to Tuscany is all set then?

mikeweb said...

Women in lycra, a Bergman reference AND Hampsten! All in one post?!?

Certainly one of the high points of the BRA tour. Both blogularly and altitude-wise.

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

Bold panties! Boulder panties!

Anonymous said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuticles

Neuticles are prosthetic testicular implants for neutered dogs and other domestic animals. Creator Gregg Miller won the 2005 Ig Nobel Prize in Medicine, a parody of the real Nobel Prize, for his invention.

As of September 2007, more than 240,000 pairs of the patented product had been sold, in all 50 U.S. states and 49 countries.

Miller developed the idea for Neuticles in 1993, after his bloodhound Buck caught the scent of a bitch in heat, disappeared and turned up days later 30 miles away. Miller had Buck neutered to stop his wandering. Following the procedure, when Buck went to clean himself, he realized something was wrong and acted "extremely depressed" for three days.

The Tashkent Error said...

That guy is clearly rocking an urban ghillie suit. I'm pretty sure there was a sniper rifle close by. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't don your chicken suit and are still alive to show us the picture..

Stranded said...

Say Hey to Mork. He was an alien who lived in Boulder and went to another planet to play Robin Williams on a show (or PRO-GRUM) that aired on a primitive device the natives referred to as "television." (Yeah, I'm really old. My collection of gray beard hair is almost sufficient to build a recumbent.)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

all this time i thought they had named the town after rough terrain for mountaining cycles riding.

nice BRA!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"dubbed eddy"

nice.

Anonymous said...

four for four!

Anonymous said...

the woman in the purple shirt with the tan, smoking. andy's wife?

Jimbo! said...

shazbat!

crosspalms said...

Short sleeeves and shorts? Way better weather than we gave you in Chicago. That park looks like fun.

Anonymous said...

I hope at some point to have the opportunity to line up all the folks who feel the need to write "podium," "top ten," "scranus," or "panties" after every single post so that I can run by and slap them all in one continuous motion.

Anonymous said...

NEUT ICLE

Beerfueled said...

You (WRM) were here in Colorado at just the right time. The following days were cold, wind, and snow.

Thanks for the visit.

-larry

PS: Pearl Street Mall

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:15 p.m., yesterday I caught the scent of a bitch in heat and ended up with an empty wallet and covered in stripper glitter...

Beerfueled said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

slap my panties!

Marcel Da Chump said...

That giraffe bike...

Anonymous said...

Nice blogpost,
As the Boulder Realtors are wont to say, it "ticked all the boxes".

But your Boulder visit seemed to lack the surrealism of your Austin sayhowdy.

The reason? I think the Sunday of your visit was an unusually real day in Boulder.

A surfeit of real, really more so than a feit of Surreal.

I blame the Prairie Dogs for it.
So real, so insistent on fact and so ubiquitous here. There's just no getting away from them and their influence.

JB said...

Anon @ 2:04:
Austin: high
Boulder: un-high (somehow)

bikesgonewild said...

...after g(l)azing over all these bike related photos of your bra tours , bsnyc/rtms/wcrm, it's kinda obvious you're 'preaching to the choir'...

...sheesh, how ironic...it's 'bikesnob' & his 'critical' attitude & i see nothing but happy smiling faces...

...i'm only concerned that all that adulatory feting is gonna leave you all complacent & shit whilst you regard your next tome, if you're not accosted by the occasional mob armed with pitchforks & torches...

...just sayin'...

leroy said...

"Seventh Seal" + Boulder Bike Park = "Death Takes A Holiday" - "Meet Joe Black"

... Just sayin'...

yogisurf said...

To think that us in San Diego will NEVER get to sit for a BRA...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Anonymous said...

did you see my friend chris there? he was the one on a bike.

Anonymous said...

if Andy Hampsten had a blog, you can be damn sure he wouldn't complain about bad weather.

jno62 said...

There is a resevior up in the mountains above Boulder. I oncehad a great sexual encounter with a girlfriend up there. Sweet memories!

Andy Hampsten said...

Off my wheel, you Cat 6 moron!

Anonymous said...

I hope nothing dribbled into the water supply.

Anonymous said...

I hope nothing dribbled into the water supply.

Jasper said...

"And I bore witness to a real life recumbent trike beer hand-down"
I think the correct technical term is a Boulder Madison sling.

Comment Troll said...

Anonymous @1:41.
I have the same yearning for all the people who leave themselves anonymous.

cat_5_glory said...

Can someone explain to me what kind of employers are nearby the People's Republic of Boulder?

I recall IBM having data center operations there. Anyone else?

The days of serving epic burritos or wrenching are well behind me now.

Salty and Sore said...

@Jasper (3:26)-

"Boulder Madison sling"

Makes me wanna move to Boulder! And take up fixed-of-gear orbital cycling.

..Or just move to Minneapolis (pronounced: the Frozen nÜ-Portland.)

bikesgonewild said...

...@ cat_5_glory...with 'epic burritos' (as pictured) abounding in boulder, you can be sure the city of boulder sewage & sanitation dept will be hiring for years to come...

Anonymous said...

No mention of Mork?

db said...

You want Mork?

Cipo said...

eating pussy

zoomer said...

Anon 1:41
Podium!
Sranus!
oh, and slapping Weed Panties
top 57

Lindsy said...

Way to reference The Seventh Seal! That made me laugh!

Pussy said...

Barfing Cipo.

Anonymous said...

This post has transcended bloated and has entered the Realms of Turgid. It posseses turgidity.

Turgidity vs Bloatedness. Turgidity wins.

Bloviator said...

Anon @5:33
Enough on the burritos already.

EATING GAVIA PUSSY said...

Hampsten won Gavia too!!

McFly said...

Can't you people be serious for once? Epic burrito yo. panties. Scranus. Top ten. not. MY 5700'S ARE INSTALLED AND OPERATIONAL! ALL YOU HATERS SUCK MY INTERNAL CABLE ROUTING! (Technically it would have been much easier to suck the the 5600 set because they we're routed externally)

Anonymous said...

Epic breakfast burritos are kind of hard to find.

bubba said...

That beer hand down was 'ripped' by a rider 'rocking' the Rapha brevet jersey. That's 'epic'.

Anonymous said...

An over-the-shoulder-Boulder-holder is not nearly as Fredly as an under-the-taint-Portland-restraint. Unfortunately, very few words rhyme with scranus.

G Miller said...

AYHSMN

Anonymous said...

Snobby

I was really looking forward to seeing you in Boulder, but I had the shits for 24 hours before you showed up and was weary physically and weary that I would thunderclap.
I might need to do some sphincter kegels to get back in shape and mount the sweet ass Budnitz and do some hot laps around Whole Foods.

-Layne Gregory

Blog Drafter said...

Lance Bergman, great film maker!

HD SLP

Quilled and Lugged said...

Are you sure that still is from the Seventh Seal and not Young Frankenstein? Its hard to tell the difference when you're stoned, trust me.

Anonymous said...

I could not help but notice in your little group at the bottom of the epic hillbomb that there was a cutie patootie with a RED DIAGNONAL STRIPE across the front of her shirt. This usually signifies that said person is a DIVER of some sort. Is she a certified DIVER?

Anonymous said...

wait for it

Anonymous said...

MUFF DIVR

Malcolm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Malcolm said...

Thanks bubba, I try to keep Rapha in check... and full of dirt bags. I was trying to smooth Cyclist - Recumbent relations, we made great strides that day. Hope you wear that hat Snob.

Malcolm said...

Thanks bubba, I try to keep Rapha in check... and full of dirt bags. I was trying to smooth Cyclist - Recumbent relations, we made great strides that day. Hope you wear that hat Snob.

adventurerneil said...

Dropped.... shouldn't have had 10 epic burritos right before a crit with this big of a field! :(

adventurerneil said...

Dropped.... shouldn't have had 10 epic burritos right before a crit with this big of a field! :(

Anonymous said...

Nice Bergman reference Wildcat.

Anonymous said...

I think Drumming Guy's ethnicity is "badly photographed".

bikesgonewild said...

...jeezus h krist...would you guys stop being so insecure & once you're done writing your comment, just hit the "publish your comment" one fucking time & give the system a chance to 'publish your fucking comment'...

McFly said...

BGW,
As Louis C.K. said the impatient lady getting mad at her smartphone, "Hey Lady, give it a second...it's going to SPACE AND BACK".

Ye Olde Phart said...

OTSBH - I haven't thought of that expression for decades, thanks!

Pro Phill Laak [tick] said...

jno62,
Thanks for the reservoir tip!

Pro Phil Laak [✔] said...

That comment will be living here a long time, so ticking the boxes (or just one box) makes sense.

Cipo said...

Tickling the box makes WAAAAAAAAAAY more sense....

bikesgonewild said...

...@ mcfly...

...exactly...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Some damn funny comments this go round.

Bonerfied Hustla said...

Mad tanned chics and pale freds on the ride, snob. Very bonerific!

EatPlayLove said...

thrilled Boulder didn't disappoint, I love my town. I'm one of those oddballs that doesn't own any titanium and rides a Townie up Jamestown to freak out the clean shaven boys.

Wholesale Printing said...

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sports handicapping services said...

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Robert said...

why did BRA make me giggle?

ipad mini cases said...

impressive!

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