Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Saving Your Hide: Gran Fondos and Grand Illusions

News!  People love it!  You want some?  I have some!  Why am I writing in breathless prose?  Well, I have just received a scorchingly urgent, pressingly pressing press release, released to the press by the Gran Fondo New York, which is a Gran Fondo that will happen in New York. I'm so excited I'm talking in circles!  So what's the news contained therein?  Well, they're administering drug tests to the participants:

New York City, April 18, 2012


For Immediate Release


On April 12, 2012, Gran Fondo New York conducted out of competition doping controls among riders training for May 20, 2012 Gran Fondo New York. The United States Anti-Doping Association (USADA) handled the controls.


Gran Fondo New York’s CEO Uli Fluhme stated “At Gran Fondo New York we are committed to a drug free sport.  For this year's event we allocated $10,000 towards the fight against doping. Anyone testing positive for a substance on the list of banned substances by World Anti Doping Association (WADA) will be banned for life from Gran Fondo New York. Plus, anyone who has ever been banned by a federation will not be allowed to compete. We are not afraid to take drastic measures to keep the competition at Gran Fondo New York clean.”


My understanding of gran fondo racing is that you're supposed to dope, and that it's kind of like professional wrestling.  Isn't that why Raimondas Rumsas became a gran fondo specialist?



You may recall Rumsas as the rider who placed third in the 2002 Tour de France and then let his wife go to jail when they found a trunkful of his drugs in her car.  Incidentally, the rider who came in sixth in the above gran fondo was none other than Mario Cipollini, presumably as preparation for his alleged 2012 professional comeback:


1; Raimondas Rumsas (Gfdd ALTOPACK Promotech); 03:12:37 
2, Bruno Sanetti (Pol Cral Fire Department Genoa Punto Sport); 03:13:25 
3, Massimiliano Lelli (Max Lelli Asd); 03:13:25 
4, Juri Gorini (Genetik Asd Cycling Team) 03:14:20 
5, Jamie Burrow (Pol Cral Fire Department Genoa Punto Sport); 03:14:20 
6, Mario Cipollini (); 03:14:21 
7, Vladislav Borisov (Team Guru Planet X); 03:16:01 
8, Mark Morris (Team Olimpia Bolis); 03:18:01 
9, Marco Masetti (Asd Serravalle); 03:18:02 
10; Emanuel Ristori (Team Guru Planet X); 03:18:04 

I don't know if there was drug testing at this particular event, but for Cipollini's sake I hope there was no STD testing for the top ten finishers, otherwise he might be relegated, injected with penicillin, and ceremoniously stripped of his coating of body oil.

In any case, it's sad, sad day when what is, in essence, a gigantic Fred ride has to introduce drug testing, but the fact is that the organizers have to protect the integrity of their prize money.  Sure, on a certain level the Gran Fondo New York instituting drug testing is a bit like Robert Mackey deciding to slip on the World Champion jersey before throwing a hairy leg over his Cervelo, but at the same time I also have no doubt that at least a few riders are in fact doping for this thing.  Still, the good news for doping Freds is that if you want to compete while doping in New York you're still welcome to take part in any of our local race series, where there is never testing and where people have been doping to dominate the parks for years. You too can enjoy your slice of the Prospect/Central/Floyd Bennett prize money pie--that is, unless you're dumb enough to make the podium at a "real" bike race somewhere, and your toxic pee-pee pings the naughty meter.

But just like power meters and crabon wheels and coaching and all the other stuff that trickles down from the pros to the amateurs, I'm sure drug testing will eventually be the must-have accessory for any Fred ride.  It's only a matter of time before you'll need to submit a biological passport to participate in the Five Boro Bike Tour, or before someone from Strava comes to your house to collect a blood sample:


Just imagine the shame you'll feel when the "achievement" you received for racing up a hill all by yourself is stripped or followed by an asterisk.

Speaking of Prospect Park, yesterday I was in it and I came upon an unpleasant scene.  A cyclist was lying on the pavement, surrounded by the usual assortment of good samaritans and gawkers, and he looked to be injured.  I didn't stop to help, since between all the people already present and the Parks Department truck that had just arrived on the scene, I'd have only been in the way.  (I also didn't take any photos, because that would have been in bad taste even for me.)  However, I did gather that the rider had been pushed by teenagers who had then run away.  All of this is to warn my fellow cyclists, particularly those who pass through Prospect Park, that you can now add marauding teenagers to the "epic" list of dangers for which you should always be prepared.

In other Fred news, a reader who was present at my LA BRA last weekend was kind enough to alert me to the "Freddie Pedaling Shorts."  These have everything you could possibly want in a pair of cycling shorts, because not only are they leather, but they also cost €850:


Plus, they've got a "seamless crotch to facilitate movement:"

--meticulously created in Japan
--made from fine japanese calf leather
--traditional five-pocket design
--seamless crotch to facilitate movement

This is great news if you've got an "extensive crotch" and you're prone to spontaneous erections.

Best of all, if you buy now, you'll also get a professional-sized tube of antifungal ointment, complete with a handy applicator:



Believe me, you're going to need it.

And it should also go without saying that the Freddie Pedaling Shorts will look great with your perforated yak leather Fred flippers:

("It's actually like having your foot in a bovid's rectum!")

And that you should tie the whole look together with this smart leather racing vest:


The best part is, if you have a creaky bottom bracket, the sound will be completely drowned out by the creaking of your wardrobe.

Speaking of leather, once uton a pime I mentioned a film called "First Winter," which was about hilpsters in the wilderness and was being funded via Kickstarter:


Presumably much of the funding was for beard grooming, since facial hair like that doesn't detangle or delouse itself, and Hollywood-caliber beard fluffers don't come cheap.  Here is the trailer to refresh your mammary:



Anyway, since then, "First Winter" has received what people in the film industry call "buzz," and a reader tells me it has even garnered some controversy as the filmmakers killed a deer (or, more accurately, two deer) without a permit:


Here's how the director explained it:

"We are idiots. We didn't know how to do this [hunting] stuff," said director Ben Dickson, whose film is scheduled to premiere at the prestigious festival on Thursday April 19.

Interestingly, the hilpster approach to hunting seems to be exaclty the same as the hilpster approach to cycling, which is to unleash a potent combination of cluelessness and entitlement upon it.  Also, while most people who visit the country can barely avoid hitting deer with their cars, the hilpster filmmakers couldn't find even one for several days:

The kill was part of a 23-day film shoot for Dickson's feature about naive Brooklyn hipsters learning to survive in the wild after an apocalyptic event. It took them several days to find a deer, he said, and they had started to think they would have to revise the script to drop the scene.

That's like having trouble finding a Hacky Sack at a jam band concert.

In any case, I'm not necessarily troubled by the loss of a couple of deer, though even a citified wussbag like me knows there are rules about shooting them, and the sheer haplessness of the affair is somewhat stomach-turning:

Actor Paul Manza, a 34-year-old Brooklyn yoga instructor who plays "Paul" the yoga instructor in the film and had no prior acting or hunting experience, pulled the trigger. It was unclear who owned the rifle or whether it was registered.


The bullet pierced one deer and passed into a second one behind it, killing the first deer and wounding the second one, Manza and Dickson said. The crew chased the second deer into the woods and shot it again to put it out of its suffering, Manza said.

But you can rest assured that the director had the requisite moment of hilpster catharsis:


"It was actually pretty horrible," said Manza. "I was forced to see what life was really made of, the weight and the value of things."

Wow, was it really pretty intense to, like, shoot something to death?  Who'd have thought?  You might think that 34 years old is fairly late in life to come to this realization, but in Brooklyn hilpster terms he's positively precocious.  And in the end it was worth it, because the beardwork in the film is positively magnificent:


It's a sure bet to win the Palme d'Uh:


103 comments:

Anonymous said...

yes!

ringcycles said...

Can it be

Spokey said...

Back on the podium at last

A month falling off the peloton. But as Randy Quaid said "Hello Boys, I'm back!"

Anonymous said...

Podium! Finally

Kenny said...

When one assumes the mantle of leadership, pants become optional.

Anonymous said...

Whoops, the step was already taken by Randy

ringcycles said...

schleck'ed it, merd!

le Correcteur said...

Top ten and unread; looking forward to it!

Chriam said...

Top 10!

dcee604 said...

top ten for once?!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Gran fondo panties!

Terre Haute Karl said...

"Actor Paul Manza, a 34-year-old Brooklyn yoga instructor who plays "Paul" the yoga instructor in the film and had no prior acting or hunting experience"

Wow! So, Paul the yoga instructor played "Paul the yoga instructor"? Without ANY acting experience?? Incredible!

Matt said...

In the post-Apocalyptic world, when even razors are no longer available, getting two deer with one shot will acually be a pretty efficient use of the remaining resources.

I didn't even realize Gran Fondles were races, I just thought they were big Fred rides.

Wrench Monkey said...

I doped back in '99 when I won the B race in the training series. My forthcoming book "Mediocrity Isn't for Woosies" will tell all.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, your powerpoint skills are getting way too good.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see a film about brooklyn hipsters who are forced to struggle to survive after their wealthy parents cut off their allowances. You could call it First Real Job.

theEel said...

weed.

crosspalms said...

"Second Winter" will be filmed at a coffee shop in Portland.

Anonymous said...

DEAD DEER

ringcycles said...

I have this fantasy that the cast & crew of "First Winter" were caught red handed by a somewhat sadistic game warden, then forced to eat every possible scrap of both deer they shot; the organs, the hooves, the tough bits of tendon. Natural consequences for these infantile idiots.

Anonymous said...

fucking hipsters.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oops, looks like I pulled the trigger on my "black caulk is bigger" joke a few days too early!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Those guys are in big trouble because as it turns out, neither deer had a Screen Actor's Guild card.

Anonymous said...

Weddy neddy endaze w33d. Hiding mid-pack to avoid the urine test. Great post Snob!!

streepo said...

scranus

Poppadaddio said...

"toxic pee-pee pings the naughty meter"
Brilliant!

McFly said...

1)I don't think you can get those shoes without a prescription.
2)Kenny+1
3)Why must you ride The Cipo so hard? THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!(arms flapping wildly)

Anonymous said...

The 'Freddie' shorts should combine nicely with the 'Nell' braces.

Freddie and Nell:
'At Home on the Bike and In The Bathhouse'

Anonymous said...

TUBB SEXX

grog, just pretend it's recumbabe.

balls®

singlespeedwaster said...

And that's how a peloton becomes a law! Or something

me said...

'manties'

SCROTICUS said...

I AM SCROTICUS!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious:

"I was forced to see what life was really made of, the weight and the value of things."

Spoken like a true trustafarian dork. Keep it up!

Joaquim Rodriguez said...

MOREMURDEHUYORIMAFUCKINKILLYA

DerZoots said...

The yoga instructor plays the yoga instructor/murderer!
Classic.

McFly said...

You need to send that Charles Manson Hilpster to Tensee yes siree bob you surin do. Our deers here will go and take that there thunderstick away froms him, shove it up his bunghole (all without opposable thumbs) and keep pullin that there trigger until all it does is click...COLO NBLO

Buffalo Bill said...

So, how long did you wear those leather pants before you found out the awful truth?

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

It took them several days to find a deer, he said, and they had started to think they would have to revise the script to drop the scene.


Shouldn't that read, "...started to think they would have to just starve to death, or maybe just go hungry until some of the un-hip rednecks they are always criticizing come along with something to eat"?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I am in advertising (sorry).

Today the "Premium Rush" movie campaign hit my desk.

I am crowd sourcing ideas and then calling them mine.

anybody?

Marcel Da Chump said...

The hilpsters should rename their movie
DEER DOUCHER.

bikesgonewild said...

...so, i don't wanna see the whole damn movie but i would like to know at what point they all moved back to nyc...

...instead of real life, this was their 'gran fondo' version...not quite a real race but serious enough to totally be a reality check...

..."i don't care how hungry we get, don't anybody touch this fucking envelop...it's our train fare back to nyc if this gets any more unbearable..."...

..."...c'mon bro, i don't care how itchy that beard gets, you gotta leave it on 'cuz it looks totally cool for the flic..."

..."...you think anybody'll ask how we charged up our camera batteries if we were living without electricity ???"...

..."...i sure used to like having sex with you a lot more back in the city when you shaved your legs n' stuff..."..."same goes for me, girl..."
...

...first whiner...

Pfred 'Douche'' Douchette said...

edible manties with non GMO artisANAL chamois ...

Anonymous said...

People are awesome. That deer served the greater good.

Anonymous said...

Clueless hipsters in the woods with loaded firearms?

That's sure to end well.

Japanese calf said...

While mountain biking in the East Bay hills, I asked one of the ranchers where one could buy his beef.

"Japan... you guys can't pay enough for it."

When folks in the Bay Area can't fork up enough dough, you know those hides are going to make some expensive shorts.

crosspalms said...

esteemed commenter daddo one

"Don't kill the messenger. Seriously"

"This time the chain gang wins"

big pictures of Jamie Chung and Dania Ramirez because SOMETHING has to make people watch it

crosspalms said...

shoot. don't shoot the messenger. must eat...

bikesgonewild said...

...japanese calf...east bay rancher sells his beef in japan for a much better price than here, yet we buy japanese 'kobe' beef here for exorbitant prices...

...financial sustainability...

grog said...

Well done Mister Snob.
Shoot films, not deer.

PALM EDUH
DOPE FNDO
RCUM BABE
ANON 1:34

McFly said...

Where did those hipsters get a nuclear warhead? The Chechneyuns? That deer is going to taste funny. They need to paraboil it.

Anonymous said...

Holy Shit, Snob, you are firing on all cylinders with this one!
Gold, baby, GOLD.
Easily top 10 BSNYC posts of ALL TIME!

Once you get your funny mitts on some good material, you just kill it!

Such a great post Ima gonna let " refresh your mammarys" slide. But just this once.

Roger "Cipolinni" Ebert said...

I honestly can't decide which film sounds worse: Premium Rush, or First Winter.

After Breaking Away all movies about bi-keen have sucked the Big Mario.

But it seems like the hilpsters DON'T all die horrible deaths and I just hate movies with sad endings.

Tough choices.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Esteemed Commenter Daddo One,

Premium Rush: gear up for your fix.

Anonymous said...

Crap. No Gran Fondo for me then.

Anonymous said...

"I thought I was entering the 'Gran Fondle!'"
-Cipo

Rol said...

What kept the deer away for several days? The loud clumsiness of moving around with a goddamn film crew, or was it just their B.O.?

Salty and Sore said...

What was the apocolocky (thank you, RuPaul contestant), I mean, apocalyptic event that struck Brooklyn?

Were the bus drivers on strike?

Jimbo said...

"unleash a potent combination of cluelessness and entitlement"...
hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Esteemed Commenter Daddo One,

Remember RAD? Well, Fix yer eyes on this

Blog Drafter said...

Multiple generations of cultural vapidity have culminated in this...

pfft!

Anonymous said...

Esteemed Commenter Daddo One,

Joseph Gordon Levitt will sit on his Scranus and entertain us!!

zoomer said...

Topnotch level entretainment today, Snobster. I'm preparing for trash collectors strike apocaliptical event by drying poachaded deer jerky on the roof right now.

Scranus!

oh, and poachaded deer hide WeedPanties

jesse said...

was there a mention as to the color of the pushing teenagers and the fallen bicycling cyclist ?

Anonymous said...

I dope test myself before every bike-a-cycling outing. I'm proud to say that I'm absolutely loaded %100 of the time.
Now excuse mw while I slip into my skin tight leather Freddie pants.
They make me feel Mercurial and oh-so-pretty.
What, you got a problem with that?

Anonymous said...

Surely the hipsters will get off by virtue of the "stand your ground" gun laws.

Friendo said...

ENTI TLED
CLUE LESS
DEER KILR

Jasper said...

"Anonymous said...

fucking hipsters".

Why do you think we want to know what you are doing?
Anyone tell me where I can get one of those fancy blood centrifuges so I can take part in a Grand Fondue with no worries

Anonymous said...

Spandex and drugs in or on a Type A, overachieving, neurotic, cyclist. That's like giving coffee to a Type A, overachieving, neurotic, motorist. No wonder the streets and bike paths aren't safe for normal people. Leave those ear buds at home.

Anonymous said...

Snob, You're like an espresso machine of funnay today. The hilpster movie and insane Gran Fondo organizer coffee beans produced an amazing cup of mock. And the crema? Oh, the crema.

Anonymous said...

Oh, hipsters. Is there nothing you can't fuck up?

McFly said...

I want to stir that Asian girls soup. With my ladle. Hot Beef Injection Style. GOOD CHNA

Amatuerd said...

Evelyn Stevens (Specialized-lululemon) kicked to victory in Wednesday’s Flèche Wallonne Femmes with a perfectly timed attack up the Mur de Huy.

Stevens crossed the line four seconds ahead of pre-race favorite Marianne Vos (Stichting Rabo) after a surge up the steepest ramps of the Mur climb. Linda Villumsen (GreenEdge-AIS) was third at 20 seconds back.

“It was a big surprise to beat Vos,” Stevens said. “She is so strong, so I didn’t think I could win. I was on her wheel up the Mur and she faltered just a bit. I came around her and I thought she would come back. Then I thought, ‘I’m gonna win!’ It’s the biggest win of my career.”

leroy said...

Is it just me or does anyone else think that "First Winter" is the movie version of the book "Eats, Shoots & Leaves"?

Where are the grammar enthusiasts when you need them?

leroy said...

McFly -- my dog observes that the charming patter of your last post pretty much guarantees that you're going to hear "no soup for you" on a regular basis.

But what does he know. He can't stop talking about how he might get young Sarah from yesterday's post to notice him.

I told him licking himself in public was a bad idea.

Every Spring he gets like this.

You'd think having fixed gear would slow him down.

Heyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyhey lemme talk hey hey said...

I tried to drink enough whiskey to get the cocaine out of my system in preparation for my next cat 5 race. I'm not sure what happened, but I ended the night with even more cocaine in my system. Luckily I woke up at 4pm and missed both the race and the drug test. Good morning.

leroy said...

Allez Evelyn Stevens!

bikesgonewild said...

..."I told him licking himself in public was a bad idea."...

...hey, i stopped...ohhh, wait, ummm, ahhh, never mind...

McFly said...

Leroy,
I am glad I was not there personally to witness the lickage because it would go something as follows:

SCENE:(Leroy's dog is treating his junk like it's a banana split and it's 94 degrees outside)

MCFLY: "Leroy, I sure do wish I could do that."

LEROY: "Well shoot McFly, jump down there and be gentle and he just might letcha!"

Anonymous said...

I love leather.

DERF said...

The mind reels...

Freds running for cover from drug testers

Leather pants incubating mushrooms on my scranus..

Hipsters with guns..

Has the world gone mad?

Armageddon Outa Here said...

Those hilpsters could have just eaten their beards.

JB said...

"And the Academy Award for beardwork in a comedy or farce goes to First Winter!"

Matt said...

Premium Rush: Nonstop action with no breaks!

Matt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

first splinter

First whimper

The list goes on. . .

Anonymous said...

Two guys observe dog licking himself. First guy says "I sure wish I could do that." The second guy says "Don't you think that you should at least pet him first?"

wishiwasmerckx said...

I said to a comely woman at the bar last night "I couldn't help but notice that you were staring at me." She said "Well, you were licking yourself." I replied "Sorry, I didn't mean to start without you."

Author deleted said...

This author has been deleted by the comment.

Bobby said...

Awesome! Post nuclear hipsters wielding a Best Made artisinal rifle. They better check out that story, I think they'll find a buried hipster somewhere, that magic bullet scored two deer and a hipster roaming on the back side.

Pure joy today Snob, and you even gave us recumbabe as a bonus, it doesn't get better than that.

Uh, which embrocation does the hipster use on those 850 Euro artisinal leather shorts? Will he confuse the task, rubbing the winter embrocation on his head, and half a tube of minoxidil on the yabbies?

The First Winter story kept getting better by the second.

Babe Winkelman said...

You can tell that Jesus Hipster has never swung an ax before. You do not keep your hands one foot apart on your grip because you would be losing precious leverage at the fulcrum point and add about 50 extra swings to your felling of the tree. Stupid hipsters. What will they not think of next?

Anonymous said...

Had they resorted to cutting the tree down and consuming it?
TREE STEW

Anonymous said...

This is how it should have went down:
"The bullet pierced one hipster and passed into a second one behind it, killing the first hipster and wounding the second one, Manza and Dickson said. The crew chased the second hipster into the dive bar and shot it again to put it out of its suffering, Manza said."

Anonymous said...

Man's ambition must be small to dope for a Grand Fondo. Really? What is there to win other than bragging rights?

Anonymous said...

They also fail to mention that in New York State it is illegal to hunt deer with rifles in most counties. Those clueless hilpsters could have done a lot more damage than just killing two deer if they were firing towards a road or other buildings...

Anonymous said...

Someone needs to tell the hilpsters that in a post apocalyptic society, we won't have bullets to shoot guns with and we will still be able to cut our hair.

sports handicapping services said...

both participants in a contest or athletes so if it's good for them to do tests to see that all is well and do not use any kind of drugs

Robert said...

One deer? Man good riddens.

elisa tests said...

I heard there was a drug test on that event but I don't know if that's true.

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