Monday, February 21, 2011

Investment Opportunities: All You Haters Fund My Venture

Here in the United States of America (also known as Canada's gratuitous undercoating), today is Presidents Day. On this day, many Americans are free not to attend work so that we may instead take advantage of big, big savings on designer clothing, flat-screen TVs, new automobiles (make sure you get that undercoating!), and other costly items we might otherwise have had the sense to forego had we simply headed into the office. Most importantly, though, we celebrate the lives, work, and of course hair of Presidents Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, and William Henry Harrison:

The administrations of these three Presidents spanned the years 1829 to 1841, a period which historians universally agree is the "Golden Age of Presidential Hair." From Jackson's powerful pompadour, to Van Buren's inspiring sideburn aurora, to Harrison's pointy forelock that prefigured the coiffure of Glenn Danzig by something like 140 years, this was an exciting time during which Presidents still understood the sense of authority that can only be conveyed by truly "epic" hair. Sadly, this Golden Age ended with the untimely death of President Harrison on his 32nd day in office due to complications from tetanus (Harrison insisted on being shaved by a rusty razor for purposes of "street cred"), and while there have since been some flashes of Presidential barbatorial brilliance (Abraham Lincoln's "chin strap," Grover Cleveland's walrus-like lip curtain) there has also never been a dynasty to rival the one we celebrate today.

Meanwhile, if you've accessed the Internet at any point this weekend, you may know that the big news in cyclesport is that some track racer guy got a gigantic splinter in his leg, and while I have been known to post affronts to good taste such as this I draw the line at medical "grodiness" and am therefore posting a censored version of the photo using images that convey the nature of his injuries without actually depicting them:

If you'd like to see the original, it is here, though even when obscured by a pizza pie and a body modification enthusiast who will never, ever hold a job you can plainly see that he lies supine like Jesus on the cross just before the Romans hoisted him into a vertical position. (And the Jews did "golf clap," according to the Gospel of Mel Gibson.) The real tragedy of this injury is that all the hipsters who pretend to like track racing are already agog at how "badass" it is, and you can expect them to start inserting slivers of wood through their own calves as the new must-have accessory to complement their "shants:"

"Oh, this old thing? Yeah, it's been there for years, never bothered to take it out."

Speaking of must-have accessories, on Friday I mentioned this seatpost clamp that is the latest in a seemingly endless procession of bicycle components and accessories that can also open beer:

Since them, I've been more vexed than perhaps it's reasonable to be by a small piece of aluminum--mostly because you'd think that if someone were to integrate a little bottle top-popping dingle into a seatpost clamp, they might at least orient it in such a way that you don't have to hold the bottle sideways and spill half your beer in order to use it:

I'd maybe possibly perhaps consider accepting an argument that this seatpost clamp is designed to use while the bicycle is lying down, except for the fact that the promotional video contains shot after shot of the opener being used with the bicycle standing up as beer spills everywhere:

This is the beer-opening equivalent of an iPhone banking "app" that costs you $35 every time you log into your account.

By the way, this brilliantly-executed seatpost clamp comes in two versions. The first one is the "Nectar:"

According to the copy, this is for people who like PBR--a brand of beer most commonly consumed out of a can.

The second version is the "Elixir:"

This one's for the "tweaker"--which, as I always understood it, is a person who is addicted to methamphetamine.

At this point you're probably saying, "So what? This is Canada's gratuitous undercarriage coating, the land of the gratuitous undercarriage coating. Sure, it's nearly impossible to screw up a bottle opener, and somehow these people have succeeded, but if some designers want to manufacture a little anodized dingle with a poorly-placed dongle on it then that's their Gid-goven right." Of course, I couldn't agree more--except that's not what's going on here. Actually, the dongle-curators want us to give them $15,000 before they'll make us a poorly-designed bottle opener:
Sadly, they're a good $14,000 short, and I'd offer them a bridge loan myself if my money wasn't all tied up in a brake lever-slash-pizza cutter that uses a pinball instead of a circular blade. Still, I'm confident some sort of "angel investor" will step in--perhaps a mystery benefactor who has a vested interest in lots of people riding around on bicycles with sideways bottle openers on them, like an alcoholic recumbent rider:

As you can see from this recumbent rider's-eye view (or, more accurately, recumbent rider's-beard view), a world filled with horizontal seatpost clamp bottle openers would mean that, for the 'bent rider, refreshment would always be just an arm's length away. This in turn would provide yet another source of recumbent rider smugness:


Of course a recumbent commute like this hinges on having access to an uninterrupted and completely car-free bike lane. I'd like to see him try that commute in New York City during rush hour.

Speaking of spurious projects needing funding, a reader recently alerted me to a film called "First Winter," in which a bunch of Brooklyn hipsters traipse around in the country with Golden Age of Presidential Hair-caliber beards and artisanal blunderbusses to the strains of lugubrious accordion music:


They also stare pensively into the horizon:


Apparently, "First Winter" is sort of a "minimalist hipster survival movie," which I'm guessing will be the next hot new "indie" genre:

***
The Premise:

In December 2012, a massive collapse of infrastructure leaves a group of Brooklyn yogis snowed-in at a country farmhouse without electricity, cell phone reception, or running water. With nothing to rely on but their wits, a couple of old books, and each other, they must survive the first winter off the grid.

***
The structural skeleton of First Winter is the procedural aspects of survival: chopping firewood, melting snow for water, hunting for food, etc; but the movie at core is really a spiritual exploration. As the distractions of modern of life are replaced by the routine simplicity of living off the land, the friends gradually evolve out of their neurotic fixations into a more quiet, contemplative state of being (of course, not all of them make it).


Obviously, this film is a metaphor for the hipster's first year in Williamsburg, the Mission District, or Portland after graduating from Bard, Sarah Lawrence, or Wesleyan, and the journey towards independence and self-sufficiency which they all undertake but ultimately never achieve. Also, there's ironic sledding--during which, I assume, somebody dies:

As for the technique being employed by the filmmakers:

The aesthetic approach is rigorously formalist; mirroring the inner journey of the characters, the film gradually evolves from frenetic jumpy handheld close up camera work at the beginning to slower, wider, more composed shots towards as the film progresses.

In other words, as the filmmakers continue to shoot the film they gradually figure out how their equipment is supposed to work.

In any case, I predict "First Winter" will be a huge success. Not only is this a perfect product placement opportunity for companies like Best Made Co. and Base Camp X, but the filmmakers have already exceeded their financial goals. In fact, they've received nearly enough backing to start their own bottle-opening seatpost clamp business:
That's gotta sting the "Swarm" guys.

Lastly, another reader has forwarded me what he claims is the "Greatest Craig's List Post Ever," and while this is debatable there's no doubt it's noteworthy:

old bike - $500 (hyattsville)
Date: 2011-02-17, 1:41PM EST

This is mankind's crowning technological achievement. If you are not someone who can appreciate a 35 pound steel beach cruiser with carbon tubular race wheels on it, don't waste my time. You are not cool enough to even thinking about riding this bike.

Please note that no brakes are provided. All braking power is derived from the user dragging a foot on the ground, or in an emergency, putting an old Silca frame pump into the spokes of the moving front wheel. Nor are the tubulars glued.

If you play bike polo, leave me alone. This bike shits out bike polo players on the daily.

Here is a list of places to ride this bike to: a liquor store, a riot, a hockey game.

A good bike lasts 3-5 years, EVIL NEVA DIES.



Not bad I guess, but it needs more bottle openers.

124 comments:

Anonymous said...

snark #1

Ray said...

close again raf

Spatch said...

Podium ?

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Oh Boy !

my2hands said...

"It's a double rainbow...what does this mean!"

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten, heck yeah

thegock said...

TOPP TENN

theEel said...

topteneel!

Tyler said...

I wonder if Best Made Co. is one of the backers of that movie. PERFECT product placement

Reggie said...

First Winter looks like the dumbest thing ever. I don't know whether to thank you for making fun of so much hipster b.s. or be pissed at you for making me aware of it in the first place. Ignorance could be bliss when the alternative is First Winter. Arrghgh!! I'm tearing my beard hair out over it.

Anonymous said...

unglued tubulars! totally clutch. That's the only to roll.

Anonymous said...

i'm still waiting to see a photo of retro fred tri-dork with one of those bike "mufflers"

Neil said...

I think Farley Mowat deserves some credit for that movie!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_in_the_Barrens

Chazu said...

That Craigslist ad was "curated" with the intent of increasing the likelihood that it would appear on this blog.

Alfonso Cocksuck said...

Never far from the front.

MyWorld said...

I don't mind the idea of acting as "bib" to Canada, or even "wet nurse", but this Ziebart thing is over the limit. They need it more than we do...

John said...

$500 for a set of Cosmic Carbone tubulars and a beach bike frame for free? Not too bad.

Mongo Pusher said...

Kreuziger

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

g-roc said...

Do recumbent's even have seatposts?

Oh, and a good bike lasts 3-5 years? I have bikes older than that Craigslist douche.

g-roc said...

...and they're not even good bikes.

Surly Bastard said...

Hey I would have podium'd today but I was laughing so fucking hard at that Craigslist Cruiser I couldn't type. The COSMOS/IC? wheels are certainly the crowning achievement of this blah-blah, fucking-blah, Bike Polo shitting abortion ... hey, what am I saying? I'm buying it. I need something to ride to the next riot and/ or hockey game.

crosspalms said...

Is the front rack on that beach cruiser intentionally imitating William Henry Harrison's hair?

Anonymous said...

"In other words, as the filmmakers continue to shoot the film they gradually figure out how their equipment is supposed to work."

Snob, your entree is both well done and crispy today, thank you.

Surly Bastard said...

I was thinking of organizing a winter hunting party to track and bag the First Winter film crew, but you know it really wouldn't be fair, would it? Hunting something with a larger brain, like a rabbit, would be far more sporting.

Anonymous said...

@G-ROCHEAD, I HAVE BIKES OLDER THAN THAT , WHICH ARE COVERED WITH SORES AND BONERS... EVIL NEVA DIES

XOXOXO
THE CRAIGSLIST DOUCHE

The Craigslist Douche said...

What am I getting myself into?

grog said...

Thanx for the presidential essay. HPPY HLDY

Bobby said...

Not to go all comic book guy and point out plot holes but I do have a couple questions about First Winter.

1. Does the "infrastructure collapse" prevent the characters from using (walking or driving in the vehicle in which they arrived) the road that would lead them from the farm house to civilization where they would undoubtedly have a better chance of survival.

2. If the major plot point involves a catastrophic disaster wouldn't it be a better idea to set the film slightly ahead in the future say 2014? That way when it comes out in late 2012 or early 2013 it won't already be dated.

Oldentard said...

I'm supposed to be under the trailer fixing the toilet but instead I drank some beers and then I sneaked in here to read your post.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about you, but I am hoping that First Winter devolves into a weather-appropriate rendition of Deliverance: "Lemme hear ya squeal!"

YOGI PIGY

Twistyface said...

All that Craigslist bike needs is streamers coming off the grips and a 'My Little Pony' bell.

g-roc (head/tard) said...

Craigslist Douche: May I congratulate you on the mental ability required to infer that, as an owner of old crappy bikes, I am old and you need to shout for me to hear you. Bravo, you're making progress.

GOLD said...

'This is the beer-opening equivalent of an iPhone banking "app" that costs $35 every time you log into your account'.
That's ME. Snob. ME!

Anonymous said...

"... a group of Brooklyn yogis "

WTF?!

Marcel Da Chump said...

The girl with the facial studs is way more grotesque than the
splintered-calf track cyclist.

Anonymous said...

In the mid 90s Pabst was available in gritty bar bottles for less than $9 a case. And thats what I learned at Wesleyan.

Anonymous said...

The splintered-calf track cyclist actually managed to get up and cross the finish line to take third place....

Sarah (The Apache) Sommers said...

Bombed out Beiruit, eh?

Anonymous said...

About the bottle opener, hasn't anybody else ever used your SPD pedal to pop your cap off? I've been using it for years, but I guess it's new to some.
http://backcountrybeacon.com/2010/07/guide-to-backcountry-bottle-openers/

HK 416 said...

That bike race was on tv yesterday. They didn't show the injury, sadly.

Anonymous said...

http://www.thedesignblog.org/entry/pg-bikes-blacktrail-is-the-world-s-fastest-electric-bike/

Please review "luxury is back" USA Today

Anonymous said...

You are forgetting almighty Oberlin college in your list of adult sleep-over camps that allow their graduates to have cocktail conversations about such "intellectual" topics as ontology, structuralism, and semiotics, without actually knowing very much about them. Remember, just like hipsters with fixies and tats, it's the ILLUSION of competence/intelligence/authenticity, but really about capitalism and consuming. Just name drop Zizek or Barthes and make sure to like douchey bands from there like the Yeah Yeah Yeah's (no no no. As Lydia Lunch pointed out, you are generic opportunist hipsters with no clue beyond fashion co-opting).

Whew! I mean, happy prez day!

I Go Around and Around said...

I was drunk when I wrote that Craig's list ad. Effing recumbent guys gave me their "water" bottle.

Not sure where the carbon wheels came from, but my butt cheek has a bunch carbon splinters in it.

Karen O said...

My band is named after the sound of my orgasm.
What's Lydia Lunch?

crosspalms said...

Almighty Oberlin!
Learning and Labor!
Rational Discourse!
Plus, cheap beer. Not good beer, but cheap.
And I used my illusion of competence on a Sturmey-Archer 3-speed hub. Bike was never the same.

ringcycles said...

If only Henry David Thoreau had an i-pad and a video camera, BTW where are they going to plug in when they're "off-grid"?

Test Tickle said...

not too many working today, I see....

must be the beards....

DIAS PORA

balls.

PawnShop said...

"Massive collapse of infrastructure" is hipster for, "didn't pay their damned bills".

Anonymous said...

http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5257/5421810378_7065e9176b_z.jpg

Not sure if this link will show up, you can check out the original picture here (find the SIR 9)

http://www.mmba.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=27067&start=1650

I agree that the "Swarm" bottle opener is orientated poorly. Plus, according to this photo we prefer our PBR in cans anyway (which has the advantage of not needing an opener, it's lighter than glass and no disembodied hands)

Anonymous said...

What's that fashionista's outfit supposed to suggest? The Imperial Japanese Army?

Try wearing it in Nanking.

domotion2011 said...

Mostly Barbaric says, does not make my head hurt. 5 short of a six pack today

M. Krislov said...

Aw fuck you people. I'm a senior at Oberlin and I'm smarter than all you stupid mother fuckers combined. Have your little laugh but when we are pulling the strings of the Nation it won't be so funny. You people are assholes. Fuck you. When I'm awarded my leadership fellowship you're going to pay.

CommieCanuck said...

America...Canada's scrotanus.

CommieCanuck said...

Isn't Oberlin a DeVry campus?

ken e. said...

"a little dog named snuggles"

Oberlyn... isn't that one of those there "emo" bands?

leroy said...

Maybe it's just me, but hasn't there just been a movie featuring a Yogi surviving in a sylvan setting by foraging for pic-a-nic baskets?

Of course, First Winter could be different. You can never get enough of a Brooklyn Yogi proclaiming that he's smarter than the average barista.

xyxax said...

crosspalms

back in the day (near the crotchal region in the dachshund of time) it was
Genessee cream ales, Red White and Blue, and Mickey's big mouths.

I slept over but I was no adult.

BTW,
Isn't ontology a medical specialty?

ce said...

"...hasn't there just been a movie featuring a Yogi surviving in a sylvan setting by foraging for pic-a-nic baskets?"


Nice one Leroy.

CommieCanuck said...

Isn't Oberlin a DeVry campus?

Wine drinker said...

What about wine bottles?!?

(I am cyclechic, you know)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa5fSBfPd0M

Anonymous said...

Misfits, hurray!

Is that seatclamp bottle-openery thing really sideways? Why...?

Never tried opening a beer on an spd pedal (but might try shortly...); the other infallible is under the sill of a Citroen 2CV; they're just the right width.

hey nonny mouse

yyz113 said...

^@ 1st, i thought he was gonna suck it out, being a cockhungry frenchie & all. and ultimately, he did. bravo, for reinforcing the stereotype that frenchies are "orally skilled"

yyz113 said...

(not that there's anything wrong w/ that, if that's who you are!)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Didn't the Onazis start the Oreichstag fire at Oberlin?

Anonymous said...

That First Winter soundtrack has changed my life. Luuvvv it!

Anonymous said...

M. Krislov,

I don't think you could have confirmed the Oberlin/Lawrence etc ranter's point any more perfectly. You're not acquiring knowledge from your over-priced liberal arts college for any intellectual reason, just as a label and to make connections so you can dominate in the power/capitalist field of your choosing later. And bully people.

Good job, dummy! How much that cost you? Oh, I'm sure you're on scholarship b/c you're such a genius. I'm sure your parents made you feel very special-weshull!

Seattle Plastic Surgery on Lake Union said...

You can open a bottle with another bottle - so who the fuck cares about seat clamps.

I Go Around and Around said...

@Krislov

You can be a senior at Oberlin? Huh, I must have really not been paying attention.

BTW, that leadership internship stuff is just a McDonald's night manager course. But that's okay because it leaves plenty of time for catching up on your Kant.

Anonymous said...

Consider the carbon cruiser sold!!The pinup pics on the gas tank AND a fleshlight mounted to the handlebars.Genius.See you on the glory hole road to glory.

jorge hiney said...

That bottle opener is nothing more than a machined version of the "jam your beer into the place in the doorpost where the latch goes" opening technique. Having successfully used this technique numerous times when bereft of my opener, I can confidently say that the only reason the people in those videos are spilling half their beer is that they suck at opening beers.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The only strings Oberlin grads pull are on guitars and in their legs from playing Ultimate frisbee.

Dave said...

EVIL DIES

Goober said...

@ M. Krislov:

Red Neckerson, is that you?

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

If you think about it, First Winter could be really cool with the right special effects.

You could have super computers cause the infrastructure collapse and then send a cyborg from the future to terminate someone.

Or you could add Meryl Streep and some ABBA songs.

Or one of the yogis could help another yogi give an important speech.

It practically writes itself.

Or you could hire Everett Bogue to tell you the film is already finished, anything more than the trailer is surplusage and you can pocket the venture capital (minus his fee).

samh said...

DRINK BEER RIDE BIKES GO FUCK YOURSELF (please open all beers with a vertically aligned bottle opener - fucking of oneself however may be done in the horizontal position).

Anonymous said...

At least with the "Tweaker" version, you can use the quick release to loosen the "opener" and pull the seat post out without tools. Then you can remove the clamp and use it to open the bottle if you don't now have too much grease on your hands. The Tweaker should come with a lanyard or cable or something attached though, so it doesn't get lost or pocketed by some jerk.

Or you could just use one of the other beer openers attached to your whip. I carry a Swiss Army knife with me. The can opener has saved me from going hungry many times.

Anyways, if you can't figure out how to open a beer without some silly chi chi bolted to your bike, maybe you should stick with sodie pop.

網頁設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Thomas TTE said...

No, your writings on theater have been much missed .
That splinter is a total fake, reminds me of http://www.ride-strong.com/freak-bike-accident-view-with-caution/ (which is more obviously fake but fooled 99% of commenters)

Anonymous said...

oh wow tubulars wheels that aren't glued on a 35Lbs. beach cruiser it sounds like something my toyfriends' toyfriend rides head on at me while i'm riding up a one way highway on a bike that's cost me than the market value of both the toyfriends. hoary for run sentences!!!

Bill the Cat said...

Aaaack!

crosspalms said...

"Hoary for run sentences!!!"
I think I spot another Oberlinian.
And Marcel, you got me on the string-pulling: guitar, yes; Nation, no. Although I've persuaded 2 people to commute by bike, which is a start. And I voted today. If only I could decide which power/capitalist field to choose, dominion would be mine. Maybe tomorrow. Yes, I feel good about tomorrow.

sweatpants cyclist said...

I open beer bottles in my spokes. Try doing that at-speed fool!

Anonymous said...

The funny thing is that the seat clamp/bottle opener is CNC machined and thus the possibilities for its form are nearly limitless, yet this was the best design the moronic designers could ideate.

Jonathan said...

Not that I endorse the bottle opening seatpost clamp, but you could always just tilt the bike instead of your beer. Just sayin'.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

What i meant to write was hooray for run on sentences and my bike is worth more than toyfriends that doesn't know bicycle etiquette. no this is not who you think it is

Glenn said...

"having access to an uninterrupted and completely car-free bike lane. I'd like to see him try that commute in New York City during rush hour."

Hmm.. it is true that a good portion of my commute is on a wonderful bike trail which I get to use, but I also do get to ride on the streets of southern California. No, it is not New York City Rush Hour... but it is all about how you ride in the lane. (yes, even on a recumbent trike)

Anonymous said...

Check out the Wicked Sick BMX project on You Tube - Ad agency does the same thing. Hillarious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Grnew7dqrhk

Danial123 said...

I get to use, but I also do get to ride on the streets of southern California. No, it is not New York City Rush Hour...
bikes

retiredtandembmxr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

sometime today, been waiting for a freakin week now.

BryceR said...

Hahaha, First winter? Those fucks wouldn't last five minutes in real wilderness...people plunged into a non-urban environment tend to go feral pretty fuckin' quick.
Hipsters are the new clueless.

Ben said...

thank you for your post, bike snob. i loved it. and i loved all the comments. you guys are going to love FIRST WINTER.

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Hermosa Beach All parts and components are blacked out,giving it a very cool,toughb and mellow look.
bicycle

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

Danial123 said...

With a bright and energetic color scheme, the Dreamcycle is fun cruiser that really makes a statementCalifornia Bikes.
beach cruiser bike

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We recommend a U-Lock, it is a heavy duty lock that is nearly impossible to break through. It can't guarantee your bike won't be stolen but it will discourage thieves from trying.
Schwinn

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Cindy said...

Almighty Oberlin! Learning and Labor! Rational Discourse! Plus, cheap beer. Not good beer, but cheap. And I used my illusion of competence on a Sturmey-Archer 3-speed hub. Bike was never the same.

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