Thursday, April 12, 2012

Passing through Portland: A Brief Dispatch From the Road

I've taken some criticism for "complaining" about my book tour schedule, but the truth is that there are consequences when you're not home to "tend to your garden."  (I'm talking about "tending your garden" in the Voltaire's Candide sense, and not in the Mario Cipollini "manscaping" sense.)  For example, I've only been gone since Monday, but a reader tells me that some brigand has already stolen my identity:


Those may be Virginia plates, but he's clearly in the Bronx and about to get on the Hutch, and by the time I get back to New York next week and manage to round up a posse he'll be clear across the border into Canada.  

Then again, he is driving a Saab, so odds are pretty good that the head gasket will fail before he's even out of Westchester.

In any case, I'm in Seattle now and about to depart for Vancouver (the Canadian one, not the American one), but on Tuesday I was in Portland.  To my surprise, the weather was more beautiful than I had ever seen it in Smugtown, and so in the late morning I embarked on a bicycle cycling ride with the good people from Rapha.  Since I had a BRA that evening we didn't have time to do anything "epic" by Rapha standards, and instead we settled on a short 250 mile jaunt during which I was attacked by a bear, shot at by ornery townsfolk (it turns out perforated yak leather makes a great bandage), and forced to weld my own bicycle frame back together.

Naturally, we were trailed by a film crew, and the feature film of the ride will be released in artfully grainy black and white sometime in 2014.

Anyway, after that I enjoyed some of Portland's fine dining:


Admired the many practical, fendered, handbuilt commuting bicycles one finds locked up on her streets:


And successfully managed to avoid succumbing to Portland's MAX tracks:


By this time, as you can see from the Rapha photography-esque colorway of the sky, the weather had become decidedly more Portland-like, and by the time I arrived at 21st Avenue Bicycles my streak of rain-free pre-BRA rides had officially ended: 



If any city could do it, I knew it would be Portland.

We then set out on a spin over and along the Willamette River:


Which, given the gentle rain, leisurely pace, and friendly conversation, had the air of a ritualistic pre-ride moistening.

Soon we arrived at Powell's, and in one of the odder turns my tour has taken so far I was interviewed there by the local news:


Here is the reporter who interviewed me, and I feel compelled to point out we are setting up for the shoot in the breastfeeding book section:


I should also note that he looks uncannily like Ed Rooney:


Though his mannerisms were all Jiminy Glick:


Not only did he wear more make-up than I'd ever seen on any human being outside of a wake:


But he also read to me from my own blog post of this past Tuesday, and then actually accused me of making up the word "cobbling:"


Then he asked me what I thought about Portland's "bike boxes" in a way that clearly suggested he wanted me to tell him I thought they were stupid.  When I told him we also had them in New York City, he accused me of making that up too, and laughed all Jiminy Glick-like.  "Yeah, right.  Bike boxes in Manhattan!?!  You've got to be kidding me."  From what I can tell, he seemed to find the notion of any kind of cycling in any city completely absurd.

Sadly all of this took place before the actual interview and so there is no video evidence--though the anchorwoman (in an introduction I was unable to hear) does refer to people as "biking geeks," and the reporter then introduces me as the "Biking Snob," which I may have to rename myself:



Then, mercifully released from Ron Burgundy's grasp, I headed upstairs, where a bunch of Portlanders were waiting to hear some douchebag:


I'm now off to Vancouver, and here's where I'll be later today:


VANCOUVER 
Thursday, April 12
5:45 ride
Bike Doctor
137 West Broadway
Vancouver, BC V5Y 1P4
(604) 873-2453

7:00 talk and booksigning
Chapters
2505 Granville Street,
Vancouver, British Columbia V6H 3G7
(604) 731-7822

Stay classy, San Diego.

177 comments:

McFly said...

Bingo

McFly said...

I am more of a Classics commenter, not so much for the stage commenting...

McFly said...

Cant wait for Flesh Wail On

Ed said...

Top Ten

Captain Hardbread said...

death penguin

Anonymous said...

Being on the road, as in traveling, not biking, is something akin to punishment (1%'ers excluded of course) what with flying now having all the charm of a judge handing you a sentence.

Blog Drafter said...

Slow Cat 6 finishes 6th.

Blog Drafter said...

mmm, 8th

You woke the Cipo said...

I am all for the dispatching of briefs......

crosspalms said...

Biking snob, eh? Or maybe he said bi-keen snob.

Anonymous said...

Brown Fuck Me Boots sighting in image #2

zoomer said...

coulda been a contender but I stopped to read. No smugness for me.

Scranus!

oh, and TSA approved WeedPanties

mikeweb said...

Reading first dropped me out of the top ten.

McFly = Bon-in?

I think we already knew that.

Max said...

"Hey man, what do your knuckle tats say?"

Marcel Da Chump said...

Sober on the east coast...until lunch time.

Anonymous said...

Top XX !! Yippeee! now to read it....

Anonymous said...

Done and Done w/ time to add another top XX not quite mid-pack foddereffiness...

mikeweb said...

It's obvious that guy in the yellow banana Saab had been cashing in on your anonymity for years. So much so that he can even afford to bring his own garbage truck with him where ever he goes.

Anonymous said...

"...and forced to weld my own bicycle frame back together."

With what!? With what!?

Two sticks? Your antique Zippo? Some Rapha approved fucking cycling BLOW TORCH?

With whaaaaat!?

Anonymous said...

As if the yellow Saab weren't chick magnet enough, the guy goes for the BSNYC vanity plate too?

Whoa.

Anonymous said...

Nice Interview Snob!

I see a future for you in surreality TV.

Ebullient?
Exuberance?

Way to raise the bar!

But no Nonplussed? No Curate?

Those two are still willing and ready. Maybe next time?

Anonymous said...

banana saab guy has the ttop down only because the canvas-spreading auto-awning last worked in the spring of 1993.

SOFT TOPS
SUCK ASSS
HARD TOPS
RULE ERTH

Anonymous said...

SNOBBY - I am so impressed that you know about the head gasket problem with Saabs. WOW!

cycle

theEel said...

NWeed.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

@anon 1100,
one can cobble a torch together quite easily with some gathered seashells and some choice minerals from epic roadside outcrops, just add water.

Jasper said...

Can't be Rapha-esque unless you make it grainy black and white as well as epically wet and dour-looking

Anonymous said...

The first image of Ron Burgandy looks like he is just finishing off pushing out the last section of a 7" terd with at least 6 "rest rings" in it.
DODO FACE

Dinkle Dance said...

Can a unicycle even have a cockpit?

Anonymous said...

terd?

Honestly, people.

TURD.

All The Black People In Portland said...

know every unpublished or unrecognized author yearns for the 'book tour' but ask ANY writer who's done one-- either nationally like BSNYC (the ersatz) or even within one's own city/region and...

... it really is burdensome, if not unpleasant and it is, also, a CHOICE we've made.

Rather a schlub in the Bronx than a King in Fucking Portland (tho' props to Portland folks who laugh instead of smirk)--

Anonymous said...

Why is nerd spelled that way? I will not tolarate mistaks.

McFly said...

I do not see the need to lock up a uni-cycle. It would be like locking up herpes. Don't worry friend, they will not touch it.

Anonymous said...

Disembodied Fred Said -

No mention of the disembodied hand in the window of 21st Century Cycles...the raim must have been in your eyes, but we got two recumbabes...Whoo Hoo Hoo!...shit, I hope I am 46th

mikeweb said...

@anon 11:58,

Great! Now my I uncontrolled fits of laughter have everyone else at work thinking that I'm watching the latest 'Annoying Orange' cinematic release and they're all flocking over to my desk to discover that I'm 'only' looking at a screen with words on it.

WHTA NERD

Quilled and Lugged said...

But what makes you think that Voltaire wasn't thinking of tending the garden in the same way that Cipo does?

singlespeedwaster said...

Top 50 doesn't really cut it, even with the Wednesday Weed to take the blame

JB said...

News guy looks a bit like the annoying announcer guy from Letterman.

Anonymous said...

Top crotch Thersday BRA spatch. Dig the Snaab vanity plate. Serendipity is funny word.

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Anonymous said...

Jeebus H Christmas...

At this rate, I can't wait for Bike Month in NYC. This morning was a disaster over the hipster high road.

Clueless, slow fixters "racing" you, then swerving into oncoming lanes, making other cyclists and pedestrians jump out of the way?

Yup.

Crappy 10 speed guy with the milk crate basket drafting you up the bridge?

Yup.

Even MORE fixies than you thought were possible (I guess it's still 2007), who haven't ridden since last september before it dipped below 60 degrees, pedaling around like out-of-control circus bears almost crashing themselves out around those pesky bends on the bridge?

Of course.

Seriously. Is it just a coincidence that 90% of the dangerous, rude, self-absorbed behavior comes from people on fixies? I guess it comes along with being unable to control your bike, and not actually racing. So your short commute IS your race. You all suck ass.

Enter a race. Get your jollies off there. You will get dropped on the first lap of even a Prospect Park race. Your parents told you that you were special too often. You are not. Go back to taking the train, or flip that hub to a single speed, dumbshits. Everyone thinks you're a douche.

Billy said...

Anon @ 11:58: I'm dying here. Choking to death on cookie crumbs. Paroxysms of gasping and laughter.

Have fun crossing the border, Snob! The Canadians were really nice last time I was there. I got the US border inspector on the train pretty excited when I told him I had contraband food, but then he was disappointed when it was a turkey sandwich. I guess those are okay to bring back?

Looking forward to more impressions of Portland as the pacific NW smugness fog is burned away by the hot sun of San Diego.

Anonymous said...

bikebutterfly.com check it out.

David Byrnequist said...

SAAB HATE

Anonymous said...

BS- does your final sentence indicate a visit to classy San Diego? If so you can stay at my place. We'll tour some fine craft beer establishments while you're here!

leroy said...

Well now this is odd.

Both BSNYC and Fat Cyclist in Portland based TV projects on the same day.

And the same observation holds true for both:

"On television Mr. President, you look much smaller."

Enjoy Vancouver! What language do they speak there?

Anonymous said...

saab 900s non turdbo conv banana.

bluetooth earpiece
right rear brakelight non-op

wow

Anonymous said...

Like you, we in Canada speak Canadian

DerZoots said...

Zoots.

le Correcteur said...

bikebutterfly.com anonymous person:

2 days in a row. Your stuff is still stupid and pointless. Stop it.

And I'm being chased the the red lantern!

Paul Bowen said...

Great interview! Is that a lady having a cum we can hear from 2.39? I don't know how that sounds so I can't be sure but she certainly seems excited and pleased about something.

Will there be a pre-BRA ride in London? May is the prettiest month of the year in England, shame not to.

mikeweb said...

During my early morning rides home from the gf's house, ev-er-y time there is a 'short bus' sitting in the bike lane. Same bus. Exact same spot. Every morning.

This week the bus has been absent, and in my typical glass is half full frame of mind, assumed that the driver had finally realized, 'Oh snap! This is a bike lane. I should do the right thing and park somewhere else'. Or maybe a conscientious cop who actually does his/ her job had kindly pointed this fact out to the driver.

This morning it finally occurred to me that in NYC, school is out this week.

RLTY SUXX

Buffalo Bill said...

Are you a real new yorker? Wow, that's cool man.

mikeweb said...

Paul,

I too noticed that curious noise, and there can be only one explanation: Cipo must've also been at the book store doing some more 'recruiting' for his women's racing team.

Buffalo Bill said...

The way newsguy says 'a real new yorker' he makes it almost sound like an insult.

Reminds me of that old advert for cheap salsa..

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Brown Fuck Me Boots sighting in image #2

I didn't know we were playing...

...but I drank anyway.

wishiwasmerckx said...

All kidding aside, I owned one of those yellow Saab convertibles. They only made them one year and only made a couple hundred. They are prized by collectors. (Mine was totalled, so I lost out on that.)And yes, I bought it twice when you take into consideration what I spent on repairs. But it was quite the head-turner.

Daniel said...

Good thing your Rapha ride wasn't so epic that you had to beat off a dog or anything. 'cause that would have been epic.

Daniel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dennis Hopper said...

Don't forget to put food on the Hoppers table.

Anonymous said...

TURD SHIT

Blog Drafter said...

It has never occured to me to ask what the point of this blog is. I guess it takes a local reporter to dig deep like that.

I think you were very graceful during the interview.

Dooth said...

If there's any justice in this world,
the douchie fixerati will read
Anon 12:55's wonderfully searing comment.

Jed said...

"Rest Rings"....heh, one man's rest ring is another's pinch point. And so on.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
I saw David Byrne today. Next time...should I ask about his car?

JB said...

Speaking of fighting off a dog while riding...is the smart way to put the bike between you and the dog, grab the bike by the stem and seat and fend off the dog like a lion trainer with a chair (prepared to use the big ring for an unintended purpose)?

Paul Bowen said...

mikeweb

That would make perfect sense - only an expert could get a noise like that out of a lady I imagine.

g-roc said...

Snob, you will experience a sinking feeling that you're a day ahead of schedule, but it only seems like it's Wednesday today. Welcome to Vancouver

dcee604 said...

Welcome to Vancouver...Do you know what BC is known for? Yes, it sort of smells skunky around these parts.

McFly said...

I had no clue the "rest rings" would be so monumental.
REST RING

crosspalms said...

"Rest Ring." I used to ruv that show

Quilled and lugged said...

Okay, so we've moved from music and poetry yesterday to turds today. Is this a step forward or a step backward? Discuss.
BGW, come in, it's almost lunchtime, and it ain't raining south of the bridge.

Anonymous said...

blog drafter,

So the reporter doesn't read the blog?

Damn, I would've thought the facial make-up qualified him.

I consider my copious facial make-up the "piste de resistance" of my cycling identity, forget about the skinny jeans.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and biking snob,

I was trying to imagine your "posse," but this was all that came to mind:

http://jenhood.blogspot.com/2011/03/mennonites-black-suits-fedoras-and.html

Buy-cycle said...

bike-keen snob. Use the word 'scranus' in one of your interviews. For the lols.

grog said...

I'm wearing my rest ring now.
Nice to see Recumbabe.
Congrats McFly on the podium.
Who is VanCouver?
RIDE NICE mister snob.

Anonymous said...

Meh, Might have to dig up some poetry. Robert Service, anyone? In light of the Canadian BRA?

Ok?

Here we go...

Men of the High North, the wild sky is blazing; Islands of opal float on silver seas; Swift splendors kindle, barbaric, amazing; Pale ports of amber, golden argosies. Ringed all around us the proud peaks are glowing; Fierce chiefs in council, their wigwam the sky; Far, far below us the big Yukon flowing, Like threaded quicksilver, gleams to the eye.

Aaannnd he just goes on and on and on like that for ever....

yogisurf said...

Yeah, stay classy San Diego...with you not coming here it'll be easy Pleeeeaassssee come to 'Diego BSNYC....wahhhaaahhhh. .

Anonymous said...

A "true New Yorker"? Isn't that usually code for M.O.T.?

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc license plate = another saab story...

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...those canadianistan border officials might be in 'cavity search mode 'cuz they're pissed that their famed vancouver canucks got beat by the los angeles kings last night...

...hockey losses don't sit well with canadians, especially in vancouver & especially against american teams...

...prepare for a poke in the 'turd ringer', bsnyc/rtms/wcrm...

...just sayin'...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The comments stink today.

Quilled and Lugged said...

@anon with the Robert Service:

Stirring stuff.
"Aaannnd he just goes on and on and on like that for ever...."

Just like Canada, eh?

@bgw, come on, I was expecting high brow today...

McFly said...

Can we all settle on a dedicated spelling of A)terd B)tird C)turd or D)tord? I vote A. I know tord looks weird but it does rhyme with word.

McFly said...

I've had it with this shit...

bigbill25 said...

The in-depth interview from KGW can be viewed here: http://www.kgw.com/thesquare/PDX-Tonight-BikeSnobNYC-146925335.html

Anonymous said...

look at you with all of the big words exuberant, ebullient...you sound like some kind of fancy pants new yorker. by the way, thank you for edifying us.

Anonymous said...

Not to put too fine a point on it, guys but...

There's A race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far,
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: "Could I find my proper groove, What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day,with a hope that's dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win; He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;
He's a man who won't fit in.

Anonymous said...

ron burgandy's contempt for you was palatable. could he have possibly been any more condescending? he spoke to you as if you were a child.

kidding, he seemed like a nice guy albeit a little too ebullient.

Vanonymous said...

All
You
Haters
Stop
Me at the
Border

crosspalms said...

He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston,
he's the man who never returned.

crosspalms said...

or

All
You
Haters
Stop
Me at the
Borders (or Barnes & Noble)

CommieCanuck said...

A yellow Saab? Isn't that what Jerry was forced to buy when Elaine and Puddy were fighting??

Anonymous said...

"palatable"

Maybe but probably not.

"Palpable"

Probably.

I'm pedanting all over the interwebs today...

CommieCanuck said...

I was in Vancouver last month, I walked into a new condo unit and asked lady in the elevator where the models suite (from the low $800's) was, she said, "I don't know, but get the fuck out of my $1M condo".

Vancouver... if it weren't for hot chicks in yoga pants and BC bud, I wouldn't bother.

screaming skull said...

April is National Poetry Month!

Aaarrrrgh!

And the cruelest!

Who said that?!

Vegas said...

"3 hour time difference" BWAAAHAHA!

crosspalms said...

For you music lovers, a metal band map, thanks to the I Love Charts people.

Scroticus said...

I am Scroticus

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oh, well, might as well...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...claim 100th.

Anonymous said...

For guys a unicycle is all cock-pit

Babe Winkelman said...

BSNYC,
Do you know what it's like to ride your little tricycle with crosshairs on you temporal lobe following you with slow, linear precision? You do now........

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, do you know why Canadians like to do it doggy-style? So they can both watch the hockey game.

bikesgonewild said...

...not everyone caught it but we can learn from portland's 'live 7' news scroll that the delightfully exposed 'recumbabe' is a 57 year old mother who works from home & who looks like she's 27 due to a $5.00 wrinkle cream that doctors don't want you to know about...

...information, people...it's there for the taking...

Babe Winkelman said...

In other news we have Bargain Basement Blowout pricing on perforated Yak leather...well...eradictally perforated Yak leather, the MP5 she is a fickle mistress that has a kick and does not discriminate.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...know what's funny about that ???...

...that you think that's a joke...

...c'mon, it's not just a game in canada, folks, it's a lifestyle...

Anonymous said...

Doggystyle or Hockey?

bikesgonewild said...

...exactly...

Anonymous said...

Hey All,
It's been great working with you all here today at The Department of Commenting Department but the 5 O'Clock whistle just blew and I'm outta here for some bicycle cycling before it rains and/or gets dark.

So, see ya'll tomorrow? Same time, same place?
RighteeOh then, Cheers!

Alan S (Helment Fascist) said...

I didn't know the Brits had a Kickstarter-like site, here's a good charity ride http://www.justgiving.com/teams/SixSmartMenRideToParis

Quilled and Lugged said...

Anon @6:04 - what bloody time zone are you in, mate? It's only just tea time over here on the left coast, and the jokes are getting better - thanks wiwm, that was a snorter.

Anonymous said...

Huh.
Metal is not popular in Sub Saharan Africa.
Who would have thought?

Blog Drafter said...

Anon @ 3:23

You entirely missed the point of my comment .

Anonymous said...

Would the anonymous commentator who used to comment incessantly about Paul Budnitz please stop commenting incessantly about Babe Winkelman. Please.

Anonymous said...

Hockey, a lifestyle?
Like, when they start a fight THREE SECONDS into the game? (see Devils Vs. Rangers brawl)

I´m rather into the ride-your-bike/have-a-spliff/have-dirty-sex lifestyle... Way to define lifestyle, or civilization..

just sayin...

bikesgonewild said...

...zoom...straight over the top...

...i'm out...

Anonymous said...

I realize I am probably one of maybe five women who read this blog so this will be lost on most of you, but I just watched that news clip and I must say, Mr. Wildcat is kinda hot.

Anonymous said...

It's playoff time in Vancouver, make sure to wear your helment at all times Snob!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 8:03 pm: I coulda said the exact same thing.

Anonymous said...

Now that I've heard his voice, no post will ever be the same.

Anonymous said...

I was somewhat taken aback by the pleasantness of the guy. Plus, he's a dad.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 8:03,
Why would a dude being hot be lost on me? I am a dude. I am indeed hot. It's science.

self-obsessed and sexee said...

Stay sexy, Bike Snob.

Paul Budnitz said...

Anon 7:18,
Bitch Please...

Cipo said...

dispatching briefs.......

2wheeler said...

Vancouver smugness >>> Portland smugness

The Vancouver self satisfaction quotient (SSQ) is off the charts (OTC)! The only thing they aren't good at is taking criticism well. Take a lesson from agent Mulder, whatever you do just don't mention the rain!!!

Signed - Jilted Calgarian

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

One more time before I give up

and I figured a snabb was right up wildcat's alley. particularly a yeller one.


yabbies! they doctored the video. communist bastards. they replaced wildcat with some fredly dork


http://www.kgw.com/thesquare/PDX-Tonight-BikeSnobNYC-146925335.html

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"A true New yorker"

Isn't that code for "Look at the Kike?"

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford came to my hometown and he's building a fence.

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bikesgonewild said...

...spokey...thanks for the direct link...

...all in all, it was a 'nice' little interview, ya ???...

...the female talking head mentioned that bsnyc/rtms/wcrm had fans from "...all over the world..." so, just as a joke, i think we should take a quorum vote on one particular city & all move there...

..."so eban, mr bikesnob...where are most of your fans from ???..."...

..."well, it's kinda unique but they all live in manhattan..."...

..."oh, really ???...all your fans live in manhattan, new york city ???..."...

..."ummm, well no...that's what's really unique...ironically they all live in manhattan, kansas, just west of topeka...each & every one of 'em..."...

..."i'd say that's an interesting phenomena, eban"...

..."well, sir...i can only say, 'not so much', if you knew my fans..."
...

Anonymous said...

If Steve Tilford wanted to be a millionaire he would get in the fence repair game, but he said "Fuck that shit man, I have got to train."

Spokey said...

bikesgonewild

if it is NYC leave me out. Born in Brooklyn (apparently near wildcat) and I ain't goin back. I'll stay in low tax NJ where at least the snaabs honk before running you over. Even the youngest daughter has now left Brooklyn. But you won't see me bikling in Mount Prospect Park anytime soon.

bikesgonewild said...

...spokey...there actually is a manhattan, kansas...

Mae said...

"In any case, I'm in Seattle now and about to depart for Vancouver " That's all we got? So sad in Seattle 8-(

tstreet said...

You're not as ugly as I thought you would be.

tstreet said...

You're not as ugly as I thought you would be.

Anonymous said...

I don't like beating off dogs either. It just seems so impersonal.

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I embarked on a bicycle cycling ride with the good people from Rapha.

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