Friday, March 23, 2012

BSNYC Friday Fun No Quiz and Instead Pictures of Washington, DC!

As I've mentioned in the past, I have been a victim of cockpit theft.  I am also a user of rechargeable Knog Blinders, which are vastly superior to the Hanukkah candles I used to "run," but which are also a bit more expensive.  So how to obviate the "yoinkage" of both your cockpit and your seizure-inducing blinky lights?  Well, there are lots of precautions you can take, but one method you may not have considered is wrapping the whole mess in tape and turning it into an impenetrable "cockpit sausage:"

It's great until you have to make any sort of adjustment whatsoever and don't have a multitool that includes a box cutter.

I wonder if anybody has ever used the sausage method to protect a Brooks saddle from theft--and speaking of Brooks England Ltd., this esteemed saddle-manufacturing concern is the sponsor of my "Enlightened Cyclist" World Annoyance Tour, which brought me to the Washington of DCs for the juicy middle portion of this week.  The Washington of DCs is famous for being the place where they store the government, and this means lots of people come there in an attempt to wield influence.  For example, I happened to be staying right near the PETA offices:

(PETA is working on a banner incorporating the new Rapha yak leather Fred flippers--which happen to look great with snakeskin belts.)

As you can see, it's quite a lovely building, and the courtyard is one of the best places in town to simply sit during your lunch hour while enjoying a delicious meatball hero:

Also, right across the street is the US residence of controversial professional bicycle racer Alexandre Vinokourov:

(The statue is of Vino, and the flying cheetah represents his bike.)

Incidentally, Vino was born without eyebrows, which means that he often gets sweat in his eyes:

("It burns, it burns!")

After Vino refused to grant me audience I continued dejectedly on my way, until I happened upon this sign that buoyed my spirits considerably:


I love stuff that's free, and I was about to follow the arrow and take the tour until I looked up and saw what it was I'd be touring:


It was at this moment that a gentleman clad all in black emerged from the building and started trying to coax me in, at which point I ran back to my place of lodging, where they were in the process of "classing up the joint:"



Yes, nothing says "class" like ersatz Greek statuary wheeled in on dollies:

Throw a few marble columns in there and it's just like staying atop Mount Olympus.

My plans were to freshen up, but I had neglected to pack any toiletries, and so I headed back out to "hit up" the CVS.  The dental hygiene products were all on my shopping list, but the "DC Plastic Baeach" was a total impulse buy:


I also found the nearest bike share station:


After some deliberation, I chose the red one:


As I mentioned earlier, people come to the Washington of DCs to exercise influence, and the world of bicycle cycling is no exception.  My visit happened to coincide with the National Bike Summit, and apparently someone somewhere along the line had the idea that I should go there in order to flog my book.  The summit was taking place at the Grand Hyatt, where I was disappointed to learn I would not be performing on this beautiful and exotic "piano island" like a bike dork hybrid of Mark Russell and Liberace:


Instead, I followed the signs that read "save cycling" and that ominously guided me downward:


And downward:


And still downward, until I felt like I was in some Albert Brooksian film satire about the afterlife:


Finally, I arrived at the circle of Hell in which they were holding the Bike Summit, and where cycling advocacy groups such as the American Automobile Association were fighting for our rights:


(AAA wants to "share the road" with us?  That's cute.)

There were also some sweet advocate "whips:"


And this sign:


The sign was outside of the room where they had the bar, and it was my job to sit at a table and scribble on my book for the few attendees who actually found me more compelling than an alcoholic beverage.  I was fortunate enough to meet and talk with some lovely people, but the subterranean environs made it seem like a lonely business--though I wasn't quite as lonely as these guys:

("Can we advocate for you?  Pleeease?")

Still, it was enough to drive me to drink, and I was just sticking my face into a refreshing scotch on the rocks:


When I was accosted and ushered into the League of American Bicyclists annual meeting, where they were taking budgeting:

And where I was suddenly called to the microphone.

Now, as an ostensibly humorous bike blogger, I am obligated to "play for laughs," and nothing warms people up for a chuckle like a good spirited budget update.  Nevertheless, I bid a reluctant temporary adieu to my seventh beverage:



And shamelessly plugged my book like the shill that I am.

Having thoroughly devalued the proceedings, I then stumbled back out onto the DC streets and shouted at a bike share machine until a bike fell out:




Then, I straddled the bike, took the lane, and bike-shared vehicularly:


All the way back to my hotel, where Operation Class was now complete:

It's a good thing too, because I have trouble sleeping in any building with fewer than ten naked lady statues outside.  (It's a sleep disorder I share with Mario Cipollini.)

The following day I had a mid-day BRA in Bethesda, and so I took to the Capital Crescent Trail:


Where I skirted the mighty Potomac:


And then crossed over into Maryland, at which point I was officially guilty of the federal crime of being a complete douchebag across state lines:


My ride soon took me through a tunnel:


And into an enchanted world of cherry blossoms:



Through which people wandered in a state of beauty-induced delirium:


And then suddenly the Capital Crescent Trail spit me out into Bethesda, right in front of the Barnes & Noble bookery:


Incidentally, this is my detachable Book-Touring Chariot:

And in case you're wondering, the S&S soft backpack case does fit into the overhead compartment on an Amtrak Acela train.  Naturally, I also equipped my bike with an AYHSMB Ass Saver:

Which will be given away at all BRAs, but which nobody received during my DC visit, owing to various up-mixings for which I profoundly apologize.

Anyway, you know you've arrived when you've got your own sign in a Barnes & Noble:

I don't mean "arrived" in the sense of success; rather, I just mean "arrived" in the sense you know you're at the correct Barnes & Noble, since until that moment I really wasn't sure.  I also wasn't sure anybody would be there, but apparently the people of the Washington, DC area have a surprising amount of free time at 12:00pm on a Wednesday:

("We left our bongs for this?")

One of them even recorded the BRA for posterity:


And you can see excerpts here.

Finally, that evening, there was a ride, courtesy of BicycleSPACE:



Which between the company and the grandeur of Washington, DC at night was nothing short of spectacular.

Thanks very much to those who took the time to attend, thanks also for your patience during my absence, thanks in advance for having a great weekend, and ride safe.

--Wildcat Rock Machine





96 comments:

Anonymous said...

first

JB said...

1 comments

Neil said...

mmmm, sausage.

Anonymous said...

knog!

can't wait for your visit

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

BRA and PANTIES!

VAGINALLY STIFF, LITERALLY COMPLIANT said...

Nice bibs on the B&N promo photo.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of sausage, if I get lost and stranded on an epic ride, can I eat my brooks saddle to stay alive?



balls™

singlespeedwaster said...

All you haters, suck my sausage

Anonymous said...

I once had a sign at Barnes and Noble. Meh.

E. said...

Ok. I might just have to drive (7hrs) down to Austin.

Anonymous said...

Hey wb Snobby. We (all four of us) missed you.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Top twenny!

LOVE SNOB

Blog Drafter said...

Wvat? No Kviz?

"After some deliberation, I chose the red one:", lol!

Apparently top twenty.

Philly Bicycle Journal said...

Come to Philadelphia, North America's hairy armpit. We'll ply you with cheese steaks and pretty girls. Since we don't have a bike share program you won't have to mentally stressed by figuring out which bike color bike to choose.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The descent to the summit.

Anonymous said...

I really hope some of these people working at B&N or visiting the store by happenstance were under the impression that Non-plussed Bibs Guy was the speaker for the day.

streepo said...

scranus sausage

Matt said...

Bibs Guy has his own book out, The Nonplussed Cyclist, and gives away AYHSMB (All You Haters Snap My Bibstraps) fenders, though his didn't make it to Bethesda either. Must be because it's in Mehryland.

JB said...

Guys, I'm guessing bib guy was photoshopped onto the B&N sign.

Anonymous said...

Cherry blossom opening here, too.

hey nonny mouse

JDH said...

snookered again. need a job where i can sit in front of the pooter all day.

Buffalo Bill said...

I'm not gonna say flip it, but that does look like a lot of spacers.

Ok, flip it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Buffalo Bill,

Flip what?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Cadel Evans said...

"alliance for biking and wanking"? I'm in !

Buy-cycle said...

dry scranus

Buffalo Bill said...

Er, the stem? A failed attempt to parody a rather snarky sub-forum that I'm sure you are aware of, sorry.

I like your bike, if I still traveled a lot, I'd do that to my miyata.

bikesgonewild said...

...i think i got every question in today's 'friday fun no quiz' right...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Buffalo Bill,

I was just trying to get on Unslam That Stem.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Cadel Evans said...

WRM, I bet that surly crossdress fits you mighty fine, but slam that stem.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Wow, that book touring looks exhausting. I don't know how you do it.

McFly said...

Did you "hook up" with the curly, dark haired lass in Barnes and Nobility with the sunglasses perched on her upper mop like a tiara of milf(too young?) hotness? Rode 50 today. Actually seen a YAK. Did not even know what it was. Bro had to I.D. it for me. Extremely nonplussed, not goat level...but still.

Throwaway_Bicycling said...

A couple of quick points.

1) Yes, you can tell the status level of your cause by how many floors down you need to go down to find the meeting space. It is not just about the indignity, dankness, and distance, but also about the usual total lack of cell phone reception down there.

2)...but when I have to do the "descent of shame", I always hum this tune to myself, from "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T". Check out the helments!

3) Technically speaking, it wasn't "the people of the Washington, DC area" that had the free time to attend your BRA, but specifically "the Freds and Beautiful Godzillas of Bethesda", which is a big difference.

4) What, no ass-savers for your worshipful fans in Maryland? Pretty weak. I shall lower my future Amazon review of your book by one whole star.

jimbo said...

slam that sausage

I am a stupid engine said...

Two things occur to me after reading your blog today.

I would hate to be the piano tuner on that island, I ope that pianos internals are made of stainless steel.

Advocacy in a dark area all by yourself, just tells others that you don't have people skills.

I think after careful deliberation I will take a read one.

It appears that a good time was had by all, even if there were alot of empty chairs.

grog said...

Non-plussed Bibs Guy, really?
You'd have tripled your audience with Recumbabe.
Aced the non quiz!
RIDE GOOD

bubba said...

I think being a douchebag across state lines falls under the jurisdiction of the Mann Act

CommieCanuck said...

Oh, disappointment.

When you went down and down and down the escalators it would have been cool if you ended up inside the head of Mario Cipolini. And if Mario were with you, in a restaurant full of Mario Cipolinis with more total oil than the gulf of Mexico.

Malkovich.

CommieCanuck said...

Yes, you can tell the status level of your cause by how many floors down you need to go down to find the meeting space.

No, no, no. ....No.
That was before 9/11, after 9/11, the lower you go, the more important you are in case "the big one" drops.
Proof: one floor below his appearance was full of fertile young women kept for purposes of re-population. And a room full of recumbents.

L'il Eddy's getting a brother/sister! Hopefully, not half-Canadian this time.

ervgopwr said...

New phrase after watching the video.

All you haters suck on my popsicle.

AYHSOMP

Still need to come to san diego, no marble or naked lady statues but we do have a sweet popsicle stand down the street from the book store and pub you'd be hosted at...

bikesgonewild said...

...mr mikeweb of brooklyn, nyc was so despondent that bsnyc/rtms/wcrm was leaving town, that he & his lovely lady friend, (the charming miz 'e') packed up their bags & headed west to sf...

...having inadvertently packed his cycling gear & having accidentally text messaged me, although we'd never actually met, we thought it best to humor each other & so, procured him a ratty ol' unpainted bike & we then attempted to disprove leroy's dog's theory that none of us commentators knows our asses from our headsets...

...i then bungee corded my rundown clapper to mikeweb's loaned beater & as i proceeded to point out scenic vistas & charming views & he bounded off enthusiastically, thus was i towed through 36-ish miles of delightful terrain...

...later, a nosh & a quaff, once more reacquainted with the beautiful miz 'e' whose patience & graciousness in allowing her man to go velo-traipsing across the dales will forever be appreciated...

...all in all, the company couldn't have been better & i believe the day was thoroughly enjoyed by all...

Throwaway_Bicycling said...

Commmie Canuck writes:

No, no, no. ....No.
That was before 9/11, after 9/11, the lower you go, the more important you are in case "the big one" drops.

True in federal buildings, but nobody important around here would be caught dead in a Hyatt. Or in the Humphrey Building, for that matter, but that's the exception that proves the rule.

Jasper said...

I propos that there was only ever one Greek statue at your classy hotel - when you came back you were drunk enough to be seeing double, many times over. Er, and your camera was drunk too.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"I think as a bicycle commuter in this country you're a little step ahead in terms of being an enlightened person because you're one of the few people out there on the roads who's transporting yourself in a way that you've chosen: despite the fact that it's marginalized; despite the fact that your co-workers think you're a little weird. We're out there and we've made this choice to ride. Our minds are more primed to being better people."

SCRANUS!!!!

bikesgonewild said...

...btw - total props to corey n' tim n' blake & all the good folks @ city cycles in their new shop in marin...

...turns out that ratty, unpainted bike that corey arranged for mikeweb to ride was something called a 7even & it had no paint 'cuz it was made of something called 'titanium' which apparently doesn't need to be painted...

...'live & learn'...that oughta be a 'motto'...

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

@Throwaway_Bicycling 3:03

Boy, it's bean ages since I watched that movie. One of my kids' favorites back when they were kids. Now I have to go find it somewhere.

McFly said...

Buffalo,
I got the "flip it" reference and knew precisely what you were talking aboot because I thought the same thing. It's settled, I am awesome.
STEM TOHI

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, before you leave DC, go to the Mall and check out the free museums. I think the National Museum of Ejaculation (NME)has a retrospective on Monica Lewinsky this month. Just don't buy the yogourt in the food court, it tastes awful.

FR8 said...

Dear ew snob,

I read your book; I thought you spake the truth. I only recognized myself twice and winced accordingly!

Good Job

Twistyface said...

Only 240 pages this time? And no crayons?? I don't call this progress..... (Nice colour though).

Dudeplussed said...

Ahem, the blonde in the front row...did you notice the shine she left on her seat?

Department of Cool said...

Son you need to take a hard look at that stem and get it inverted STAT! I am letting you off with a warning but I will be checking back in 60...no 30 days and WILL issue a citation.

Anonymous said...

Where's the fucking quiz? What the Fuck? Moar Friday Fucking Fun Quiz or IMA FUCKING KILL YOU!!! LOL

Anonymous said...

Whaaaattt??? No quiz???

That must be a first...

Anyway, have a good weekend!

McFly said...

Is that Donnie Iris in a team kit in the back row of the Barnes and Noble Dorktacular? Ah Leah....here we go again.

Tim said...

Welcome back. I'm headed to DC tomorrow for the Reason Rally and the American Atheists National Convention. I dabbled a while with His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but found it whole-wheatly unfulfilling and have not, as yet, found the Sweet Lob on High. I'm also bringing my custom S&S "bike-in-box" and will be staying in Dupont Circle, very close to where you were. Consider them Classy Lady statues felt all the hell up.

Bennnitt Surf said...

Is snobbies new book just a rehash of the last?

-Ponderings on the dual duality of man.

-Subliminally suggesting David Byrne is the puppet-master of the known universe.

-Secret coded instructions from The Great lob suggesting that I can fly and I should go to a tall building and practice takeoffs and landings.

Anonymous said...

The Bing results for "unslam that stem" are nonplussed.

ken e. said...

really like the dante's inferno reference, sounds like fun times were/are being had.
ride safe y'all.

thegock said...

Snobby,


My bro has a townhome on the block next to PETA-stay there, it's cheaper.


The

ce said...

SPAM THAT STEM

I've been palping a slammed 140mm/negative 17° stem bolted (and soon to be sausage bonded) to a 550mm wide flat bar on my Big Dummy for quite some time now. Probably mostly because my bike fit is wrong and I don't know what I'm doing, but perhaps also because I miss the early 1990's. But whatever, it feels good. I should submit a photo for a laugh. For the photo I'll make sure my Rohloff is in 14th, The Invisible Big Ring Of Smugness.

ce said...

Throwaway_Bicycling 3:03PM, I seem to recall System of a Down doing a cover of that Seuss tune.

ce said...

Actually, I think all their songs were a cover of that Seuss tune.

don the cyclist said...

nice ,WRM,have a good weekend bro.

Anonymous said...

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2012/03/23/renewed-calls-to-add-tolls-to-east-river-bridges/

Bicycle tolls on NYC Bridges ???
Maybe when it actually becomes a punishable offense to hit someone with a car ... or hit someone with a car and flee the scene at least.

Otherwise they aint really seen protests yet !!


vsk

Michael said...

Pix from Wednesday's BikeSpace ride through DC: An Evening with BikeSnobNYC.

mikeweb said...

@bgw,

Thanks for the clarification. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how an unpainted bike wouldn't be all rusted up. Apparently, titanium is impervious to rust(?)

btw, definite shout out to the guys at City Cycle. What a great crew! And the same to our host, tour guide, and all 'round guru, mr. bikesgonewild. Definitely a day to remember!

mikeweb said...

@WCRM,

I think John C. Hall wants to know if your detachable BRA bike comes with anything else detachable.

Sir Figge Newton said...

And that is how a suppository becomes a major sh*tstorm.

Anonymous said...

Whoa. Snob, that video of you proves just how ironic your pseudonym, WCRM, really is. I have an even greater respect for you now. Nice work.

Foldoff?

When you visit Boulder, please bring a bike weighing scale for the crabon Weightoff.

Anonymous said...

League of American WHEELMEN!

WTF?
When did they change the name?

I am so old.

Wild Cock Soft Machine said...

Sausage Roll.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ sir figge newton...

...it's your scandinavian cousin, sir prune danish who's the real shit disturber...

Billy said...

Sick edit of your BRA ride, Snob. I give it two and a half mehs.

Looking forward to seeing you at the New Am Bike Show, if I can pry myself away from packing as I'm moving that week.

Glad to hear some of your thoughts, however exscraneus, about riding in D.C., as I might end up moving there someday.

Cipo said...

eatingWOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE MUST HAVE FLIPPED OVER WHEN I WAS RE-OILING MY MANE!

Anonymous said...

Dear Wildcat Rock Machine,
as a dentist without a Serotta I was quite appalled by your choice of toothbrush. I can only see one purpose for a contraption like the one you purchased which is to clean difficult to reach parts of one´s bicycle. Looking through the choice of toothbrushes at the outlet you have chosen I would have gone for the Dora the Explorer themed children´s brush, preferrably soft-bristled.
I still hope that on your World Tour you will be able to make it to Germany where the bicycle was invented so I could attend one of your events.
Greetings
The dentist on a Brompton

Buzzy 'Buzz' Khafukkski XII said...

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow iPhone compliant blog now. I've waited years for this.

yogisurf said...

You and the nonplussed bib model guy do look a like. Great sign to announce the BRA. Hey...didn't I read once about how you don't participate in bike advocacy?

Can't I leave her said...

You see what I did there?

Cycle Jerk said...

And to think my xtracycle and I were a few 100 yards away in my office missing all the fun. I must have lifted my finger off the pulse of the DC bike scene for a bit too long.

hillier99 said...

Jeez Snobby, you could fit that bike in a smaller case if you had shorter stems on those tubes. They look like bonus spokes.

Also, one never posts a pic of their whip in the small ring. Always post in the big ring, looking like you just rode back from the Alpe-d'Huez.

JB said...

That guy in Amsterdam needs to slam that stem.

Jack Olivia said...

Good Posting, Every one can learn something. Best Regards,CEO of Make Making Money

McFly said...

Oh OK, "Wonderwall", well THAT makes much more sense.

Make your own quiz said...

Nice Post!

Anonymous said...

god damn, a mark russell reference AND a Defending Your Life Reference in one post?

I think we were separated at birth,our pop cultural codes are totally sympatico, but you can actually write.

GREAT JOB!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

how many days odes it take to get to Wisconsin

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Robert said...

I approve of Kazakhstan!

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