Thursday, February 9, 2012

Solidarity: March of a Thousand Contadors

Yesterday I mentioned Cadel Evans racing in an Alberto Contador mask in the 2012 Tour de France. Well, little did I know that an Alberto Contador mask actually exists. In fact, those Spanish cycling fans who aren't too busy starving themselves will be donning them for a "symbolic bike ride" in Contador's home town:


"As far as I'm concerned, the Court of Arbitration for sport can all go fingerbang themselves," said the ride's anonymous leader:

Meanwhile, cycling fans in Luxembourg (all 14 of them) will don Andy Schleck masks and embark on a ride in celebration of his retroactive 2010 Tour de France victory:

("My stomach was full of anger, now my face is full of holes.")

Participants are asked to back out their front derailleur limit screws for the commemorative simultaneous chain-dropping that will take place towards the end of the ride. Cycling historians say this will be the largest mass chain-dropping since the start of last year's Five Boro Bike Tour.

Speaking of bicycle drivetrains, while printing out my Alberto Contador mask over at the "Bicycling" website I also noticed this interesting article about Campagnolo, whose name is Italian for "the one with the thumb nubbin:"

Of course, most cycling enthusiasts know that the company's founder, Tullio (Italian for "multitool") invented the quick release skewer. However, very few people know the story behind it. In the year 1492, Queen Isabella of Spain agreed to fund Campagnolo's voyage to the New World in search of undiscovered bicycle componentry. However, due to the quirks of those earliest Garmin sextants he miscalculated his route and wound up in Asia, where he instead discovered the noodle, which would eventually become the basis of all Italian cuisine. Loading the noodles into the delivery cart pictured above, he made his way back to Italy, but as he was cresting Mt. Everest one of the wheels fell off and so he "DaVinci-ed" (15th century Italian slang for "MacGyvered") the world's first quick release wheel skewer from the bones of a dead sherpa's fingers. The rest, as they say, is history marketing, and now we have 11 speeds.

(By the way, industry rumor has it that the 2013 Super-Duper Record Ultra Plus group will feature a rear derailleur made entirely from sherpa bone.)

Something else I was interested to learn from the article was that there's apparently a "prototypical rider" for whose business all the component makers are vying:

Findley is the prototypical rider all three high-end component makers—Shimano, SRAM, and Campagnolo—are courting. A 37-year-old college professor in Altoona, Pennsylvania, Findley commutes to work, competes in Tuesday-night "hammer rides," and tackles a century now and then. If this were an election, Sam Findley would be the undecided voter in a swing state.

"I'm trying to get the best bang for the buck," Findley told me. As a teenager he rode his father's road bike: "A classic Bianchi with a group of perfect Campagnolo diamonds." As a penny-pinching college student he rode what he could afford: a Schwinn Prologue with Shimano gear. Now in his thirties, he's got a little coin in his pocket. He's riding a Cannondale with SRAM Rival components.

Why SRAM? "It's lighter than what I could otherwise get for my money, and the bike shop guys were really good about pointing that out. They like it and ride it," Findley said. "I've done a few races where SRAM provided neutral support, which I liked. And, frankly, Campagnolo parts weren't stocked locally. I could get a Campy group, but if the bearings went out I'd have to wait a week or two to get the parts shipped."


If Chaka Khan was "every woman," then Sam Findley is "every Fred," and if you want to scare a Fred away from Campagnolo and keep him from becoming a "Fredo" then there's no better way of doing it than evoking the horrific spectre of a week away from the Tuesday night "hammer ride" due to mysterious bearings (which bearings are we talking about?) that suddenly "go out" (whatever that means) and must be sourced from Italy, a leisurely country where it can take up to 15 years to get a single cappuccino. Really, it's all highly suspect and smacks of conspiracy. "Sorry, we can't change your exotic shifter cable, there's another strike at the Campy factory and we don't have the $789 Campagnolo shifter cable extractor tool. Can I interest you in this SRAM group? It has one button that does everything, just like an iPhone. You just stab at it until what you want to happen happens."

As for SRAM and the "neutral support," they've certainly got Campy there, and we all know what happened when Campagnolo introduced its short-lived grassroots "impassioned support" campaign. Sure, it was full of that unique Campagnolo character, but it turns out that most American amateur bike racers really don't appreciate being berated in Italian while waiting for a wheel change. Trust me, I speak from experience--I looked up what the Campy support guy called me when I got home, and I don't think it's legal or even physically possible to perform any of the sex acts he described.

Meanwhile, Freds everywhere are agog over the new SRAM hydraulic road brake spy shots, which promises not only better power and modulation, but also a 250% increase in use of the phrase "hydrolic breaks" on bike geek Internet forums:

I believe that every cyclist has his or own personal Retrogrouch Breaking Point--that moment where no new technological development, no matter how lauded, is even remotely appealing. Once you've reached this point time simply stands still. Some reached their Retrogrouch Breaking Point years ago, and refuse to acknowledge the existence of indexed shifting, or double-digit cassettes, or crabon fiber. Others may not reach it until we're all riding bike frames made of lasers and shifting with our tongues. As for me, I think I may finally have reached mine with the advent of hydraulic road brakes. Sure, I understand the reasons behind it, but I have as much use for them as a hydraulic crotch scratcher. (My mechanical crotch scratcher is both reliable and effective, thankyouverymuch, and I really don't have time for regular crotch scratcher bleedings.)

Meanwhile, a reader informs me that a posse of Mission District "hilpsters" recently attempted to intercept an elderly homeless man with a fixie:

Homeless old man with stolen green single speed Felt (mission district)
Date: 2012-02-05, 8:52AM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

A few people tried to stop an old homeless man walking with what was clearly NOT his shiny green fixed or single-speed bike, on Mission and 14th St at 8:30 am today.

The bike was a green Felt with a spotted white classic leather saddle. It looked like a lot of love and care went into this bike.

Two people confronted him about the bike being stolen and tried to take it away. The old man got violent, so we left him alone.



I don't know which is more depressing: the self-righteousness of the "hilpsters" involved, or the fact that they were unsuccessful. They also don't seem to know much about bikes, since that Curbside or whatever it is looks more or less stock. (Yes, they were that dorky straight from the factory.) Anyway, presumably when the guy wouldn't surrender the bike they went on to try to take some guy's shoes. Sure they were on his feet, but he obviously stole them because he totally didn't look cool enough to be wearing them.

Lastly, if you have salmoning tendencies you should make sure to stay far away from Japan, where riding the wrong way can land you in jail for three months (as forwarded by another reader):


Riding against the flow of traffic will earn you a 50,000 yen fine or 3 months imprisonment.

You definitely do not want to wind up in Japanese prison, especially when you consider the possibility of going insane while in solitary confinement:



Let that be a lesson: when in Japan, avoid the salmon roll.

112 comments:

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Okay, enough already with the panties!

Nogocyclist said...

Top 10

le Correcteur said...

Top ten, 2 days running. Now to read it!

Kenny said...

Seriously, in that Rivendell ad, why are the lugs not properly aligned? How can a bike frame be made with the lugs in those positions?

I don't get it.

It makes me suspect the Rivendell bike company's ability to make bikes.

Nogocyclist said...

Glanced through the post and then saw zero comments.

Could have gotten on the Podium if I would have checked first.

Meh!

Spokey said...

only top 10

GrantPenisson said...

Cumming in the rear! 10!

Anonymous said...

SCHL ECKD - fist bump

Anonymous said...

Read it...now to read yesterday's [again], and top XX!

David said...

Word to the wise--hydraulic breaks are a total waste of time, money, and work (or more money, if you're paying somebody else to work on your bike.) No, I take that back. If you have little-girl hands and can't squeeze the brake levers hard enough to wank off successfully, you might need hydraulics. Otherwise, you're wasting money that would be better spent on a premium naked recumbent chick bike porn site.

Anonymous said...

"It has one button that does everything, just like an iPhone. You just stab at it until what you want to happen happens."

Dissing Campy AND Apple in the same sentence?

Snub, did you cat up last week? Paywall webway coming soon?
I mean seriously, that's pro level blogging right there.

Billy said...

Top 20! Remember while gasping for breath during the "mass chain dropping" bit.

Anonymous said...

Top (L-XL)x II

jimbo said...

yeah, I still use my "deer head" crotch scratchers

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

tailwind again, darnit!

balls®

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

Downtown Hotel said...

Sherpa bones - vertically compliant yet horizontally creepy.

Mike in Dallas said...

I'm 260lbs. I think I WILL try the hydrolic discs, thank and you....

McFly said...

I just stab at it until i want to what happen happens. Like coitus.

Anonymous said...

gotta get new wheelset with freshy hubs, disc-rotors in the mail yow!
oops, gotta get new fork with caliper mounts...oh shit, my frame is trash too!
dammit, my 10 speed cassette stuff doesn't have a hydraulic brake lever available, 'cause my shifters have been integrated...ok, that'll add up, oops, gruppo isn't available without cranks so c-list those asap...holy christ, I'm left with my seatpost and saddle combo, but the frame I have my eye on has a cut-to-length integral seat mast! Whoa! Cool!

Name said...

Hilpsters are getting more like lynchmobsters every day.

Anonymous said...

Mike in Dallas,
"squeeze harder"...TWSD

crosspalms said...

I must have totally blown the quiz, I kept seeing this Japanese guy dancing. But wait, it's only Thursday, right? Or has Bret taken us to some previous Friday where ancient Campagnolos are still alive and vending noodles? I'm so confused...

Hairy-legged roadie said...

Re hydraulic brakes for road bikes, how else are you going to part Freds from the little extra coin in their pocket? My RBP was reached with electronic shifting, but woosy brakes are as good a point as any. And it's spreading.

Turd Ferguson said...

Failed to make the top 10 - dropped the chain and caught my scranus on the top tube.

grog said...

Dancing video will cost you 50,000 yen (a buck two eighty).
Recumbabe Rules.

Buy-cycle said...

'She must have eaten contaminated meat. That's why she has herpes'. Top 31? Scranus out.

Ellipsesgonewild said...

.... ...... "Participants are asked to back out their front derailleur limit screws for the commemorative simultaneous chain-dropping that will take place towards the end of the ride." ... ....

...Bwa-ha-ha-ha!! ...

...

... ... ... .... ...just sayin'...

mikeweb said...

Wait a minute. A 30 something college professor from Altoona, PA with a little extra coin in his pocket?

Frankly, the whole thing sounds made up.

Keith Earickson said...

You mean to tell me "I'm" not the prototypical cyclist that the big 3 are chasing? What did I grow this beard for, to be ignored?

Also, "the old man got violent so we left him alone," is a lyric from a David Alan Coe song, do you know which one?

Anonymous said...

'Merican Campagnolo
levi's or gucci?

Zoots said...

Going out on a high note,
with Happy J Core.
WTF!

It was all out of the park today.

You just had a blog write it self day with Olde Maskilero but took it over the top in classic Snob form.
Way to roll the big gear.

Dank u!

Kenny Banya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Naked If I Want To said...

That Japanese dude looks like me only he can dance better...

Fingerbang Assistant said...

LAZR TUNG

Blog Drafter said...

I can drop my chain any time I want. I'm on a SRAM Force, which is a downgrade from the SRAM Red that didn't shift at all, which itself was an upgrade to the SRAM Rival which itself was a replacement for the Shimano Ultegra, which shifted perfectly as I recall but required TWO hand motions to shift (EWW!). I finally had to stop because my crabon fibré frame told me to stop screwing it but I do note the completely redesigned SRAM group set to arrive at my dealer sometime later this year. My hammermates call me "Meltaway". This is all true.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Retroactive podium!

4fuxake said...

Ah so. "salmon roll" -- I see what you did there.

J. Dahmer said...

Yes, It is true. Human flesh does taste just like chicken.

J. Dahmer said...

But it is also true that human balls tastes just like human balls.

Just say'in

Doug said...

Cat 6 podium! Nice work today WRM!

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry i'm so slow today...hadda go to my hydraulic break dancing class 'cuz...
"I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger..."
...
...& i put that little japanese dude to shame...

...i also wore my 'symbolic' 'berto contador mask in a unique place & needless to say, a lotta folks 'round here now think ol' 'berto hadda a very long nose...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

News Flash:
Jan "Baby Huey" Ulrich guilty of doping 300 years ago!
Well I am de-pressed.
I'll be in my room - sobbing in a very Aryan manner.

misster-PISSTA said...

Nice line
"just like an iPhone. You just stab at it until what you want to happen happens."

nice..
but going after crampandgoslo within a week of Eddy?
If you were to call out Beryl Burton and Velocio(Paul de Vive)you will have undermined almost all of my pillars of cycling..

Hydrualic brakes on road bike go back way before index shifting as well..two that I know of are bridgestone in the 70's and Magura in more recent times...
it just goes to show its the same wheel going round and round and where we are is the valve in its relation to the times..

I wish those mission kids had helped a guy I know that had to buy his bike back of craigslist yesterday for 200 bucks. It was stolen out of his garage and the SFPD wouldnt take a report or help when he found it on CL.. now his bike is worth 1400 bucks..

Anonymous said...

When the new component thing gets too much I ride my 1974 raleigh twenty. Bike rides like a limo, corners like a city rat on speed, costs me nothing. Gives me a good time every time.

cycle

One Who Knows said...

Dem bones!
Dem bones!
Dem Sherpa bones!
Dems high priced bones!

...not to mention they are first class relics.

mr. Wookie said...

I am Puerto Rico! The 51st state of mater

Anonymous said...

Regarding hydraulic brakes; they'd be heavier than cable-operated, woudn't they? Not so much caliper ones, but discs - different reinforcements and so on. Heavier = less Fred-friendly, see weightweenies for details.

hey nonny mouse

Deleted comment said...

This author has been removed by the comment.

Piskian said...

But Japanese ride on pavements(I'm sorry,sidewalks)legally.I rode on the road there,got muchos abusos.That's why they always get arrested in Hawaii.
And for not being fat enough.

Anonymous said...

i hit my jump the retrogrouch moment with electronic shifters. bikes should really be 100% mechancial and when they start putting electric or hydraulic parts on it they might as well put a fucking motor on it. kids these days!

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post. I laughed and laughed. The mass chain dropping almost cost me a change of underwear.

OneOfTilfordsReaders said...

Steve Tilford was tricked by Cyclimas today. He bought the Farrar temper tantrum article.
Twas humorous.

Then people told him.

Then he backpedaled.

"I'm old and don't syntax so well.
I'm old and my shoes don't fit right.
I'm old and all I have to wear are these rainbow jumpers.
Where's my remote? Is Matlock on yet? Broken cat? I'll fix it!"

g-roc said...

Gold Snobby Gold, doesn't really cut it today.

RHODIUM, SNOBBY, RHODIUM!

This one should go in your top ten of all time.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 2:11pm...

...if you shed 2 tears for jan 'baby huey' ulrich, that'll be 2 tears more than jan himself will shed, i'm sure...

...at this point (300 years later), i get the feeling he could care less about the couple a' victories & that tour podium they're gonna take away...

...he can now, after a short delay, get into coaching, should he care to go in that direction, he's out having a blast riding grand fondos, he's meeting people, having fun & i for one am glad the man is enjoying his life while staying involved in cycling...

Anonymous said...

Seriously though, hydraulic brakes on a road bike will be sooo much better when it's wet outside. You know for when you take the bus...

Anonymous said...

rivendell's bikes (particulary their signature Extraneous Top Tube line) makes me doubt their ability to make quality bikes.

g-roc said...

I'm totally gonna get those hydraulic disc brakes so I get the extra satisfaction of stripping them off to create the world's douchiest fixed gear conversion. Oh yeah.

McFly said...

Recumbabe has a nice rack.

Larry King said...

In re: the Recumbabe cover-up graphic.

You'll be hearing from my legal team.

Dooth said...

Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.

yogisurf said...

Classic post, Snobby, Classic! Tongue shifters on laser frames....this has got Speialised thinking.

yogisurf said...

And when ever you can work in the Recumbent babe, with out panties, that's a plus.

crosspalms said...

Kenny,
That's the head tube for Rivendell's 3-wheel pushme-pullyou model, where one side has a top tube, the other side is a mixte, the riders face one another and don't go anywhere. Not a big seller, but I understand it's popular as a couples exercise bike.

Anonymous said...

When I had hydraulics surgically placed in my penis my boners were 100% solid.

Anonymous said...

I want that job of photoshoping all of those Armstrong photos so he doesn't look cross eyed.

JB said...

Maybe I can't parse well, but isn't "Can I interest you in this SRAM group? It has one button that does everything, just like an iPhone. You just stab at it until what you want to happen happens." going after SRAM, not Campy?

What would I know, I've got a 15-year-old mid-range Shimano derailleur on my bike?

Hey JB said...

You are correct sir.

usa_cycling_cat5_lawyer said...

Leave it to snobby to confuse me.

I was promised that hydraulic disk breaks on my 'cross bike would improve my lap times by 10%. I was promised I would corner better with disc breaks too. So, I spent a little of my client's revenues on the latest full-crabon 'cross bike with the disk breaks.

NOW you are telling me SRAM has a hydraulic caliper? Those things don't go together! They can't possibly make you faster or corner better because while they are hydraulic they certainly aren't discs!

I demand you clear this up once and for all. Which is fastest?

Chinarello's_ghost said...

Don't tell anyone Tektro makes some of Tulio's parts.

If that isn't the epitome of Italian-American manufacturing prowess then I don't know what is...

Quilled and Lugged said...

Double grammar nazi comment: indeed JB has it and anon 12:25 screwed the pooch; he's dissing SRAM..
And the Cyclingnews headline about Jan, "Jan Ullrich given two-year ban from CAS" sounds like he can't set foot in the court for two years. I guess he would be happy about that really.

Bikewritercat said...

I fell out of style about the same time I ran out of money. I'm about ready to stop burning $20s for heat.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

I'm a little hurt that you didn't mention that campagnolo front derailluers should be installed indifferently. Thats the magic. Fuck Shimano try hards!

I hope 260 pound guy's fork crown doesnt explode on his hydraulic disc brake equipped road bike.

Anonymous said...

i think they went too far when they switched from direct drive to chain drive. totally unnecessary.

Jim said...

Those Japanese are tricky! The cyclist is facing one way but the arrows are facing the other way. How would you even know if you were salmoning?

cvampbell fdy said...

Wow that was funny. Awesome snob. How often do you wear out a bearing? What are they really up to?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Awww, I'm just a dyed-in-the wool retrogrouch: bought a Suntour Superbe Pro Track Crankset for the DeBernardi lugged track frame I'm building up.
Any fixie-hipsters out there: Frank's Bike Shop on Grand St in Manhattan near the FDR has THE BEST PRICES on vintage parts. But if you pull that self-entitled crap, fuggedaboutit.

Anonymous said...

We like our story.

Anonymous said...

I have benn living in Amsterdam since the late seventies and it is true that some of the women ride without their underwears and it referred to as "tulipping".
It is good for Portland to have a sence of humor with hood winking, but I think that Amsterdam is the capitol of the world for this kind of thing.

Vegas said...

Aww, I wish that Clenberto mask came out last week sos I coulda worn it to the Outback Steakhouse when I went. Prime Rib was superb!

Anonymous said...

Watching snuff films and waiting for @BGW to get here with the Pussy Wagon so I can get my damn chinese take out at the Angry Dragon.

Anonymous said...

Quilled and Lugged,
Anon 12:25 here.

You're correct, SRAM was dissed by the Snob, not Campy. I was dissing Campy and hoping to drag the Snob along.

You see,I still haven't figured out what the hangnail on the inside of a Campy brifter does. So I actually do stab at them.

However, I have never stabbed at a SRAM paddle, I caress them.

Anonymous said...

I stopped masturbating with pictures of clowns in the eighties.

Anon 7:59 said...

And now I'm circle jerking to pictures of Lilly.

JDH said...

"A few people tried to stop an old homeless man walking with what was clearly NOT his shiny green fixed or single-speed bike, on Mission and 14th St at 8:30 am today."
I guess you can't have an over priced Chinese bike if you're clearly not young and clearly don't have a home.
O.K. Clearly, he's not young.

Joe Monk Wolf said...

A pipsqueak patsy called Andy Faggin (like the Faggin bikes) got his ass kicked regularly. It may him tough enough to hustle fags in Vegas. They call him Angry Faggin.

Mcfly said...

I a totally moving to Amsterdam. Even if you did not get to enjoy a mid morning tuliping you could visit one of the 234 "coffee bars" in the vicinity.

Anonymous said...

I don't think that's a jail cell. I think it's a standard, tiny Japanese bedroom. See bed rolled up on the floor.

loner with a boner said...

Love to honeymoon in Vegas with a Horny Dragon.

Fab Douche Dir. Sportif said...

Iraq field testing of 'Alberto's Beef Flavored POWER Drink' have been completed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6DTcwCIx04

Anonymous said...

Just read about vibrating saddles that hum like a washing machine = sign me up!

leroy said...

Well color me impressed.

Turns out the "Alberto Somos Todos" is Spanish for "I am Spartacus."

Hope it turns out better for the Contadori than it did for the would-be Spartaci in "Spartacus" the movie.

No need to worry, though.

I heard the Contadori adopted a catchy theme song, which already puts them one up on the Spartaci:

"Christ you know it ain't easy.
You know hard it can be.
You know the way things are going,
They're gonna crucify me."

ce said...

V for Venison

Anonymous said...

w is for weird
when the going gets weird the weird pro..right snobby? right under stats on the dash bored

Anonymous said...

x-is for x x[the band}not the recumbabe who is rated r for recumbent

Anonymous said...

Y-is for why are we reading these comments?

Anonymous said...

z-is for Team Z Greg le monster at hos peak
and all those Zo bag freaks

102 said...

Rainbow PJ's unicorrns
Tilford's booty never worn.

Ulrich 'Berto on the dope
Longo's hubby where's the hope?

Massive levers girly hands
Crash into a timber stand.

Hammers dropping can't slow down
Target market Toona-town.

Watch out Euski! cobbled road
Frites are coming a la mode

ce said...

Let me explain: V for Vendetta is the film that popularised the Guy Fawkes masks worn by Anonymous activists. And, Contador is a liar, a damned liar. While steak contamination unequivocally explains away his positive test results, that steak was venison, not beef as he claims.

Perhaps, to stay right out of trouble Contador should have been a vegan with a little v.
What? No, I mean the type of vegan, like Dave Zabriskie, who still eats salmon.

Shut up. My comments make perfect cense. With a c. A C would agree.

Anonymous said...

salmon dave?

Anonymous said...

Hipster vigilantes, can't even roll a homeless guy...

Anonymous said...

Unrelated.............cyclingtips blog has reached a new low in bike related journalism, which is really saying something considering some of the other utter tripe that's been posted there in the past. Enjoy http://www.cyclingtips.com.au/2012/02/jan-ullrich-interview/

petrus said...

Snobby, you missed the memo. Tullio is collecting starved dead Spaniards souls to add to the Campagnolo soul. Why else would his cart be straight out of the 13th century? Doh!
Moral of the story: eat.

RLD said...

"Participants are asked to back out their front derailleur limit screws for the commemorative simultaneous chain-dropping that will take place towards the end of the ride. Cycling historians say this will be the largest mass chain-dropping since the start of last year's Five Boro Bike Tour."

SHEER GOLD! Just about fell off my chair! Thanks for the much needed laugh this AM.

Some Young Guy said...

Thank you for another fine piece of writing.

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet

OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

http://www.xtraorbit.com/1366.html

john said...

this post makes me feel like your photoshop skills are lacking