Thursday, February 23, 2012

Off The Back: How To Dismount Your Replacement Horse

Fixed-gear bicycles.  Remember those?  Well, despite what you may think, not only are people still riding them, but they also continue to invent creative new ways of getting off of them:



I like this dismount, particularly because it involves doing sort of a "Triple Lindy" off of the rear filth prophylactic:


Just add a stiffer fender, a kiddie pool, and some sound effects and you've got yourself one sweet dismounting "edit."

Meanwhile, as you may know, "fiets" is the Dutch word for bicycle, and if you're like me you've never, ever wondered about the origin of the word.  However, Dutch speakers have wondered about it, since apparently its etymology has been shrouded in mystery.  Finally though, the shroud has been lifted.  Yes, linguists have finally solved the mystery of the "fiets," and the reader who forwarded me the article was kind enough to translate it for me:

Two language professors from the University of Ghent have solved perhaps one of the biggest mysteries in the Dutch etymology: where did the -quite recent- word "fiets" come from?
The discovery was actually accidental. Gunnar de Boel, professor of comparative linguistics at Ghent University, offered cider  to German friends from the southern Rhineland.


It then became clear that they regarded cider as "vice wine". They call it "Viez", a substitute for wine, as it were, and in certain parts of Germany that is pronounced like"fiets".


de Boel made ​​the connection with our "fiets" and  proposed his hypothesis with Professor Luc de Grauwe.


In German, the new vehicle with pedals was called "vice Pferd" at the time, literally "replacement horse." This was later shortened to "Viez", like the abbreviation from "automobiel" to "auto". The word that is pronounced like  "fiets" must have later been blown over to Flanders and to the Netherlands.


The word "fiets" emerged in Dutch around 1870 for the first time. Since 1886, the origin of the word became stuff for intense debate among linguists. For 140 years no one could adequately demonstrate where the word came from, until today.


So it is likely that the Dutch word for bicycle originated from German and meant something like "substitute horse". This etymological explanation also clarifies the pejorative synonym "stalen ros", meaning "steel steed", a common expression in Dutch.

I'm not sure I really followed any of that, but in any case I share this with you for two (2) reasons:

1) While the subject of Dutch etymology may seem a bit dry, being able to hold forth on the origin of the Dutch word for bicycle is exactly the sort of skill that can get you "laid" in Portland.  In fact, if you arrive at a Portland bar, execute the "Triple Lindy" fixie dismount, and then segue into the whole "fiets" thing, you'll suddenly be the most eligible bachelor or bachelorette in Multnomah County.  (Having a sweet old-timey moustache helps if you're a man, and having sweet old-timey underarm hair helps if you're a woman.)

2) From now on, I will refer to my bicycle a "replacement horse."

Speaking of Dutch cycling, a reader just sent me this photo of the Rabobank replacement horse racing team engaging in some early spring training:


(Somewhere, someone with white bar tape now thinks McDonald's is "PRO.")

Clearly they intend to Super Size their results this season.

Moving on from etymology to techny-ology, on Tuesday I mentioned belt drives, and when it comes to replacement horses you can bet that pretty much anything being touted as revolutionary replacement horse technology has been around for years in various incarnations.  Consider, for example, Biopace and "Biopace II: The Sequel."  (Tagline: "It's back, only this time it's even more expensive and lobsided.)  So I found myself browsing a popular user-edited online encyclopedia, where I found myself reading about the Bridgestone Picnica, a belt-driven folding bike that was introduced in 1985:


Being unfamilar with the proportions of the Picnica, the above photo sent my sense of perspective into a tailspin.  At first I thought the woman in the bumblebee hat was a giant, and then I thought the guy in the yellow shirt was tiny, and then I finally gave up and decided to watch more Brompton folding porn instead:



(Forwarded by a reader.)

To paraphrase an eloquent music fan, "More interpretive folding bike dancing, or Ima fucking kill you!"  In fact, the only thing I enjoy more than Brompton folding bike porn is "Star Wars"-inspired custom helmentry:


As you've no doubt guessed, the above rider and was spotted in Portland, and if you're looking for the equivalent of a "Three Feet Please" jersey that will ensure any potential dating prospects keep a safe distance from you at all times then I don't think you could do much better than an R2D2 helment.  I'm not sure where he's going, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was on his way to a hardcore action figure role-playing session with Wikipedia Nonplussed Bib Short Guy:


(Bib shorts are the ideal undergarment when wearing a Stormtrooper costume.)

By the way, the caption for the Wikipedia Nonplussed Bib Short Guy photo is:

"A man wearing bib style biking shorts. Normally a jersey would be worn on top."

Normally, yes--but not always, as this photo from a reader in Australia proves:


(International Fred Hand Signal for "Slowing!!!")

It's always a good idea to wear your bib shorts over your jersey.  That way, anything you're storing in your jersey pockets remains safely inaccessible, and you can focus on the hunt for bike lane romance:





Looking good in the bike lane - m4w - 30 (East Village)
Date: 2012-02-20, 6:01PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

So I think we got off on the wrong foot last night just before 8pm. You were standing at the corner of 10th and 2nd Ave (I think that was it, I was riding pretty fast though) in the middle of the bike lane, gazing intently at your cell phone. I was on a bike (obviously, it's the bike lane afterall). I rang my bell at you (real slick, I know) and said something to the effect of "YOU'RE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING BIKE LANE", or "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BIKE LANE" because I really didn't want to crash into you. Hitting girls is not what I'm about. That's when you fired back, "Whoa, chill the fuck out dude" and I knew that we had something special. In an instant whatever was captivating you so much on your cell phone while you were standing in the middle of the bike lane was no longer significant. You see, I didn't have many options at that point. To my right there was traffic and even cars making left hand turns down 2nd Ave so swerving in that direction simply wasn't happening. And I definitely didn't have an option on my left, with things like parked cars and curbs so that wasn't going to work either. You pretty much just needed to get the hell out of my way, so that's why I said those mean things to you. Maybe I did it because I already care deeply for you. Who says there's no such thing as love at first sight? So, how's about we put the past behind us and meet up for a drink or two? 

Isn't stopping an option?

104 comments:

Anonymous said...

fiiirsst!!!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

theEel said...

weed1st!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Hey! Top Ten!

le Correcteur said...

top 10 top 10 top 10!!!

Billy said...

8!

Where's your little white lunch bag now, bgw?

TKanz said...

First top 10!!!! WOO-HOO

Anonymous said...

suckit. 8th

McFly said...

yep

Anonymous said...

12? Likely not.

Will you change your name to replacement horse snob?

Anonymous said...

damn huggy

Anonymous said...

Nonplussed horse panties!

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, sure, thanks...now you post...i hadn't even got my heart rate down from my earlier effort...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Forget the fixed gear. I would like to mount and dismount the instructor from several different angles.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure Kevin Bacon dismounted like that a couple times in quicksilver.

Anonymous said...

New dismount? Clearly it's been a while since you watched Kevin Bacon dismount that way in Quicksilver.

Anonymous said...

@merkcx

Yeah, wanna bang on that poontang!

crosspalms said...

Are those guys having the Contador-pounder with cheese? Or the Big Mac with "special" sauce?

bikesgonewild said...

...i may just have to make another substantial 'donation' to paddy mccquaid & the uci to see if i can get a few of these snide commentators relegated to improve my daily placings...

grog said...

Oh Babe.

Anonymous said...

Officer, hitting girls is not what I'm about, but she just wouldn't listen.

crosspalms said...

Interesting bars on that dismount-video bike.

McFly said...

1)LOVE the reverse mountain goat bar set up on fixie dismount girl
2)B.I.D. vid changed my life
3)Non-plussed has face mange
4)Sex

Billy said...

Dutch etymology, bizarre perspective pictures featuring giant women and little bikes, bib short guy, just a brilliant post. No recumbabe, but fixie trick girl was cute.

I have answer your final rhetorical question, though. No stopping is not an option! Cars won't stop for us, bikes don't stop for pedestrians, and pedestrians certainly won't stop texting while jaywalking. Roads are for moving, not stopping. I regularly find myself thinking while riding, "I should stop and blow my nose." "I should stop and use some chapstick." "I should stop because my hair is on fire." And do I ever stop? Hell no! Stopping is crazy talk. You have to keep those pedals spinning or you're done for!

pebes said...

So I'm a big fan of Icelandic music and I've watched several videos and movies about, and by some of Iceland's musicians. something about "replacement horse" begs me to say it with an Icelandic accent. seriously try it.

pebes said...

oh and i really love etymology... but i am taken.

Billy said...

No take on DonnieDude's apology on the other post?

http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com/2012/02/kicking-it-over-innovation-and-self.html?showComment=1329947334763#c1586495558978708893

I know, I know. I ragged on you for spending an entire post on Em Cee Private Video, but that was before I knew about your epic YouTube video takedown powers.

Anonymous said...

Stopping wasn't an option. His whip has no breaks.




balls™

Anonymous said...

on the phone, you got in my way
I shouted, swore, we got in a fray

it happened before it was I saw
that your beauty held me in awe

texting your boyfriend means nothing
I ride a bike. that means something?

My r2d2 helment cause a scare
used to cover shameful lack of hair

Anonymous said...

Can't stop. Don't want to.

Anonymous said...

stopping is not an option when someone is standing in the bike lane with their eyes glued to a smart phone. the best option is a near miss and scream of "wake up". feel free to add some colorful language as well. It always works for me.

Wildcat hug-machine i'm sorry if that offends your altruistic sensibilities.

Fauxhemian said...

"Isn't stopping an option?"

Brakes are for squares.

etherhuffer said...

Use the Zounds air horn, sneak up on them and honk. Scares the bejesus out of cell-walk-drive-talkers. Yes, its wrong, but damn if it doesn't feel really really good.

mikeweb said...

Fixie girl seems to really enjoy doing that dismount and brushing against that super hot homemade filth prophylactic.

Replacement horse indeed.

Anonymous said...

I used to work at Piermont Bicycle Connection as a wee lad. Weekends were a nonstop parade of Freds coming up 9W from NYC.

There was a group of Jamaican gay doods that would wear bibshorts ONLY, with the legs rolled up so they were like hot pants. They would always adjust their junk so it was upfront and center, saying hi. It made me uncomfortable.

db said...

There is nothing right about the photo of R2D2 guy...

Marcel Da Chump said...

That guy was douchey in the replacement horse lane.

RON said...

if only the filth prophylactic in the dismount video was ribbed for her pleasure...

Blog Drafter said...

Very informative about the "fiets", but more CarminaBuranaorI'mafuckinkillya!

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Steel Steed?" That's my girlfriend's pet name for me.

Blog Drafter said...

P.S., I'd really like Dismount Babe to be my "replacement wife".

bikesgonewild said...

...snob sez - "From now on, I will refer to my bicycle a "replacement horse."...

...personally, to be a sly trickster in etymological circles, i think i'll refer to my bicycle as my 'pejorative synonym'...

...just aphoristically declarin'...

paulb said...

Bridgestone Picnica! Didn't know about those until I encountered a young woman on one on the Bowery and asked her about it. Cool little bike. Her second one, she said. Bought it off eBay or Craigslist, don't remember.

Thanks for that vid of someone struggling with a Brompton. My Dahon is sometimes balky and I'm glad to know that even the great and powerful Brommie owners are sometimes mortified by their rides.

Anonymous said...

So, not being from NYC, can I assume that 'missed connections' guy was salmoning? I'm confused by the image of traffic on his right and parked cars on his left...

Paul Bowen said...

Fixie dismount lady is very popular, so here she is doing a "super easy fixie trick": http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=vC6pCTCS6h8&NR=1

Liked the comments.

Anonymous said...

Love at first shout. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BIKE LANE" means "I love you baby". 2 days later, they were married.

Anonymous said...

oh, butter face.

Thanks for ruining a good thing again, Paul Bowen.

Why don't you just quit already?

bikesgonewild said...

..."...fiets don't fail me now..."

leroy said...

Thank goodness my dog warned me that things that can get you laid in Portland can get you really screwed in Red Hook.

That could have been embarrassing.

As for the Craigslist love connection Lothario: if there were parked cars on the guy's left, then he couldn't have been in the bike lane.

As for me, I just assume someone will be standing in the 2nd Ave bike lane between 14th and Houston.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

BIBS HORT = DIFF 2PEE

Anonymous Coward said...

Backwards Bum Bars.

In other news, Snob influence grows, "Nonplussed" found on cyclingnews.

mikeweb said...

As for me, I just assume someone will be standing in the 2nd Ave bike lane between 14th and Houston

Years ago, my assumption was that someone would be 'smacked up' on 2nd ave in that area.

H, smart phones; same difference I guess...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 2:10, Second Avenue is one-way street, a wide one-way street, resembling a high-way at times with cars exceeding the 30mph limit by 10, 20 mph's.

Paul Bowen said...

Sheesh, only trying to ease the course of true love.

Buffalo Bill said...

So a fiets is a vice-horse, sort of like Joe Biden is a vice-prez?

By that logic, my winter bike is my boehner. Oh gawd, what have I been doing?

Buy-cycle said...

I tried a fancy naked dismount once, and I failed to get adequate vertical lift to prevent my scranus getting brushed and my balls getting thwacked. top 60?

DerZoots said...

Brompton dance had many of the LOLZingZ going down in my domicile.
I laughed a hearty well minute.

Anonymous said...

heeey, the star wars helmet is cool.

Keith Earickson said...

Well, why not, Lumburgh fucked her.

Is running into people not an option, seems to do okay for me.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with the guy who said that the R2D2 helmet is cool, and I'm totally a different person.

DerZoots said...

Paul Fucken Bowen!

D00d,
Man,
What are you doing over the yellow, Again?

BGW is right. Way to shatter the illusion.
Although she does go up and down well with the legs spread.

Okay. Just stay on the back and don't get into the rotation. You're slowing us down otherwise.

Srcanous?

Anonymous said...

I just rode eight freaking miles!

McFly said...

Wonder if Fixie girl wants ride point on my antique tandem and practice her dismount technique on the back country roads of Tenn? In a skirt. Sans panties. Repeatedly. Without the bike. BACK ITUP

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, mcfly...it ALMOST sounds like your talking about 'sex' again...

...just, you know, surmisin'...

McFly said...

BGW,
You're just trying to turn this thing around so you can get what you want out of it.......that's what she said.

I ama not a brompton engine. said...

"I knew that we had something special."

Dude good luck with that.

That brompton clown bike shit always make me laugh. Those wild and crazy english have way to much time on their hands.

More Brompton or ima fuckin kill you, or maybe run you over.

mikeweb said...

Just so everyone knows, when I made the earlier crack about her dismount I was talking about masturbation.

And when I say crack, I mean joke. Really, get your minds out of the gutter peeplz!

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh...mikeweb just used 'her' & 'crack' in the same sentence...

...what a sleazy guy...i hope i never meet 'im...

Jasper said...

@ Brompton Engine"Those wild and crazy english have way to much time on their hands".

It gets like that when you don't have an empire to run anymore; the Yanks will find out soon enough. Maybe also we don't spend so much time sticking ads on Craigslist looking for love in all the wrong places. I mean why would you want to go out with someone who wasn't riding a bike?

Mark Ifi said...

i used to wear bib-shorts over jersey before, but in this context it's embarrassing. oh well. somehow i thought it's warmer that way, but it's obviously placebo.

Anonymous said...

Mikeweb, I'm so horny that I am up at the crack of Dawn...

Anonymous said...

more comments from bgw please.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I first learned about that fixed gear dismount from reading Sheldon Brown. I've even done it a few times, but then you start thinking, "Why?"

JDH said...

that anonymous guy is fast.

Anonymous said...

Null:Intro: Demonstration of dismounting fixed gear bike by attractive female.
One: Exposition: Regarding the etymology of "fiets."
Two: Aside: Cognitive Dissonance via MacDonalds and Pro Bike Racers.
Three:Aside:Continuation of Cognitive Dissonance via visual means: Tall Lady with weird bike and other oddments.
Four:Theme: Folding Bike unfolding as art.
Five:Juxtaposition:Pop art reference as Kitsch re Folding bike unfolding as high art.
Six:Action:Nonplussed reference.
Seven:Climax: Via the schema narratif :Love as violent encounter averted.
Eight:Denouement:Punch Line:
"Can't We All Get Along?"

Fucking Genius!
Bravo, Snub.

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Vegas said...

But I don't want to dismount my whores, I just replaced them.

Anonymous said...

I always flare up and get my freak on when I see a gal with brestesses riding a steel horse.

Anonymous said...

it's 'brakes are for woosies'

get it right!

McFly said...

Its freeeekin 81 degrees here. 40 mph gusts did not sound bad on paper. 13.2 miles. Cramps. I'm back.

cyclotourist said...

The Dutch are renown for being cunning linguists.

domotion2011 said...

Gal on mount dismount. Did you check out her"cockpit" no not the propho fender, her handlebars. Ok, they too are "mounted" backwards" so, I'm the guy who sometimes post about the DIY modification for chop and flop backweird handlebars. It's really a freaking freeing way to bike handle. See more at domotion2011
Snob appeal!

Bogusboy said...

The fixie dismount has been described on Sheldon Brown's web site for years....

Ends with preposition said...

Domo,
Correct me if I am wrong, but in your Detroit setup you "taped" the handle bar extension on? Dude.

Anonymous said...

One summer in the midwest someone jokingly suggested that putting the bib straps over the jersey would reduce air drag from jersey pockets. This became know as the "Hillbilly skin suit", and racing TTs like this became something that one would do after losing a bet, as a penalty for crashing in a practice crit, or just for the lulz.

I guarantee this story and that picture have nothing to do with each other.

Anonymous said...

Tilford rarely rides on bike lanes. Because he lives in Kansas.

Pammie said...

Wheelhouse (who created the video for the Brompton) is right down the street in Santa Barbara (well, down the 101) - great bike shop. I think they are selling that exact titanium folding brompton bike as a demo.

Great post today!

lalaland said...

iceland guy: true!

Anonymous said...

xcuse me, but wasn´t that just a mono lindy?

don the cyclist said...

this video has been made of my privates

Lanterne Rouge said...

Thank you Snob, great column

don the cyclist said...

she has a nice bottom

bracket

Cyclin' Missy said...

Wow. Better be sure your fender has enough clearance before attempting that dismount. Ouch!

Anonymous said...

The craigslist poster must have been riding his "cool" fixie (no brakes), and if he had traffic to his right, I feel he must have been bike salmoning

SWorks Repl Horse in CA said...

The dismount may be "simple" but I'm not sure it falls under the umbrella of "fun". Obviously, Portlanders need to get a life. Or less rain. Or both.

antibozo said...

Shouldn't the phrase be "horse replacement", rather than "replacement horse"?

I.e., if what is meant is "a replacement for a horse that is not just another horse", "horse replacement" is the better wording. A "replacement horse" is a horse that replaces another horse.

Cf "I installed a replacement chain," vs. "I installed a chain replacement."

In addition, perhaps "substitute" is a better term for "replacement". Or even better, "ersatz": "ersatz horse".

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Nationwide Auto Loan said...

As for the Cl really like relationship Lothario: if there were eventually left vehicles on the male eventually left, then he couldn't have been in the motorcycle isle.

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Robert said...

Hate the word Brompton

Anonymous said...


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