Monday, February 20, 2012

Live Undead: Night of the Living Presidents

Here in America, today is Presidents Day.  On this day, our financial institutions take the day off from bleeding us, the post office gets a break from losing and/or mangling our parcels, and the rest of us get to enjoy big, big savings on crappy cars and obsolete electronics.  It's the kind of day that brings tears to your eyes and makes you very proud to live in North America's Underpants:

At least that's how they taught us the map in public school.

In any case, like any squeeze cheese-blooded American I appreciate the rare opportunity to go into hock on a car made by a company that was bailed out by my tax dollars, but I also think it's important not to get too swept up in the Presidents Day sales and to remember the true spirit of the holiday.  Granted, I'm not sure exactly what true spirit is, but I'm going to go ahead and say that it's about honoring the people and the ideals that make this country great.  I'm talking about the ideals that George Washington fought for, and Abraham Lincoln died for, and William H. Taft ate cheeseburgers for--ideals so arousing that they left Thomas Jefferson with no other choice but to have sex with his slaves.

So what better way to honor these ideals than by paying tribute to a Great Living American?  That's why this Presidents Day I'm choosing as my Great Living American a man named "DonnieDudeDarnit," the auteur behind the YouTube sensation "Driving with Stupid Bicycle people in the road:"

This video was the correct answer to last Friday's bonus question, and I'm still trying to figure out whether "DonnieDudeDarnit" is a meticulously honed stage persona crafted for the purpose of satire, or if he's really just an idiot.  Either way, "Driving with Stupid Bicycle people in the road" is a bold entry into the transportation discourse.  Basically, like many Americans, DonnieDudeDarnit doesn't like cyclists, and here's why:

"They're always in the road.  Like, on the side of the street?"

He's right, cyclists do go in the road.  In fact, my son has a book called "Things That Go," and in it is a chapter called "On The Road."  Here is what "Things That Go" has to say on the subject of things that go on the road:

There are many different things that go on the road, including cars, trucks, buses, and bikes.  They have wheel to roll on, and most have engines to make them move.

Clearly DonnieDudeDarnit has read and understood "Things That Go," and it has provided him with a sound understanding of the American transportation infrastructure, so whether or not you agree with his philosophy the truth of the matter is that bikes do go on the road and he has the source material to back that up.

But why does he hate them so much?  Well, here's why:

"I always have to, like, go over into the other part of the lane because there're fucking bicycles in the fucking road."

This too is very sound reasoning, because DonnieDudeDarnit is an American, and there are two things that we Americans hate more than anything:

1) Certain things going with, on, or around certain other things, such as:

--Men "going with" men
--Women "going with" women
--People from other countries going in America
--People going on bikes
--Bikes going on roads

2) Anything that requires us to move any part of our body, however slightly, including but not limited to:

--Having to ask for seconds when dining (we "Supersize" our meals preemptively in order spare the additional calorie-burning effort of walking back up to the cash register)
--Paying attention (taxes the eyes and brain)
--Thinking (I get tired just thinking about thinking)
--Moving a car steering wheel a fraction of an inch to avoid killing somebody.

Each scenario on its own is enough to enrage even the most patient American, but when you combine #1 and #2 the effect is synergistic and potentially lethal.  I mean, bikes going on roads and having to avoid driving into them?  Sure, we love God and Jesus and all, but we're only human.  How much do you expect us to take?

Nevertheless, you have to give DonnieDudeDarnit for at least coming up with a solution:

"Somebody needs to fucking run these motherfuckers over."

Note in particular his use of the word "somebody," since like most Americans he's too lazy to do it himself.  However, he's not too lazy to stay "on message," and if you forgot what his message was it's that cyclists are in the road:

"They're always at the the road 'n, you know?  Like, they're--there was this one street all over where there's fucking dirt and shit?  And then there's a two lane road, and they're in the fucking road!"

My guess is that the street with the "fucking dirt and shit" is the one on which DonnieDudeDarnit's shack is located.  But most importantly, despite his apparent anger, DonnieDudeDarnit does have tolerance--for sunglasses:

They always wear sunglasses too which ain't a problem, they just look the same.

In other words, just wear these and you'll stay on his good side:

Anyway, after watching "Driving with Stupid Bicycle people in the road" I then watched DonnieDudeDarnit's "Things I Hate (Part 4):"

Here's what I learned about the man himself:

 --DonnieDudeDarnit is "a fucking security guard."

--Specifically, he's a "gate guard," which entails making sure that "fucking people are allowed to get in that are supposed to be allowed to get in and shit like that."

--He's not a cop.  (DonnieDudeDarnit likes to believe people think he's a cop in the same way that the Fred in the full team kit likes to believe people think he rides for Team Garmin-Whatever-They-Are-Now.)

--Despite appearances, he is not broadcasting from the bathroom.  DonnieDudeDarnit has more dignity than that, and he's actually a good half a foot outside of the bathroom.  See?

Sure, he used to work from the bathroom, but he got promoted.

And here are the things he hates:

--When people complain about his approach to playing video games, for as he puts it, "As long as I'm fucking killing people who gives a fuck?"

--When he goes to the fair and people try to get him to play the games.  (Apparently DonnieDudeDarnit  goes to the fair for silent contemplation.)

--When you do play the games at the fair and you win, you have to carry a "stupid ass stuffed animal."  (This is understandably confusing to somebody who has never had a girlfriend.)

--When they show a funny scene from a movie in the preview and then it gets big laughs at the actual movie.  (The thought of DonnieDudeDarnit going to the fair by himself, winning a giant stuffed pink bunny, and then taking that bunny to the movies afterward and being haunted by the laughter of hundreds of happy couples made me want to cry.)

--When people walk in on him while he's farting.  (He should just blame it on the stuffed bunny.)

--The term "reckless driving," because he doesn't understand why "reckless driving" is bad.  Instead, he thinks that dangerous driving should be called "reckful driving," because apparently he thinks that reckless driving is "wreck-less driving."  (It was at this point I decided that the DonnieDudeDarnit persona was a put-on.  Not only does that degree of stupid stretch credulity to the breaking point, but the concept of a mentally-challenged Jerry Seinfeld is actually pretty viable and could probably take him at least as far as Dane Cook or Larry the Cable Guy.)

--When people call other people "boss."  (I kind of agree with him there.)

--Post-urinary pecker tracks.

--Reading newspapers (because the unfolding part vexes him).

--Umbrellas (just because).

--Lengthy YouTube upload times.

--And finally, when "they" (Mexicans) don't understand what he's saying.  His solution to that?  "Fucking speak English."  (This solution is hardly a novel one and has been put forth similarly in the past.  Also, I'm a native English speaker and I can't really understand him either.)

The sheer volume of stuff on this list makes you wonder what else he included on "Things I Hate" Parts 1-3, though not enough to actually watch them.

Anyway, regardless of whether or not he's real or invented, if you can find me someone who embodies modern-day America better than DonnieDudeDarnit I'll eat my Sidis.  Also, if DonnieDudeDarnit is real then it's tempting to blame our educational system.  However, it's not that simple. Ours isn't the only educational system that is failing its children, as this image that was forwarded to me by a reader proves:

That kid totally nailed that question yet the teacher marked him wrong.  Disgraceful.

I only hope that one day DonnieDudeDarnit appears as a guest on Portland's "The Pedal Powered Talk Show," which I only just learned of from a reader:


"You ever wondered what would happen if you combined a talk show and a bicycle?"  No, I have not, but that's only because I don't live in Portland, and as such I don't spend every waking moment thinking of how to graft bicycles onto every single component of the human experience.  I'm perfectly happy to consume my beer from a stationary bar--it doesn't need to come from a bakfiets.  I really don't mind if my plumber shows up in a van.  And there is no circumstance I could possibly imagine in which it would be acceptable to call this man an "actor:"

Then again, as I mentioned, I don't live in Portland.  Instead, I live in Brooklyn, and things are pretty backwards here when it comes to cycling.  In Portland it's perfectly normal to ride around with a desk, but here we still need basic "portaging" classes: 

(Seen by a reader in the Park Slope Food Coop newsletter.)

Would you like to use your bicycle to commute to work or haul your groceries, but don't know how to get started? Worried about locking your bike on the street? Wondering how that bicyclist in the checkout line manages to carry a full shopping wagon of groceries on a bike? Seasoned volunteers from the Five Borough Bicycle Club will explain how to get two-wheeled transportation into your life. 

Presumably they'll start you off with single stalks of asparagus, and eventually you can work your way up to the archetypal basketful of baguettes.  Also, if you're new to food portaging you might not want to start off with costly organic groceries--instead, just buy "beater produce" from your local Key Food.


Anonymous said...

Chicken Dinner?

Dr. Feelgood said...


Anonymous said...


all you hilpsters smack my scranus

Anonymous said...

Podium! Well nearly

Anonymous said...

Top 5?
4th Loser!
I hate you all.

singlespeedwaster said...

Top 10!

george w. bush said...

presidents are silly.

theEel said...


Anonymous said...

I mean fuck it!

Paul Bowen said...

Top X!

Anonymous said...

Mine goes up to 11.

grog said...

Miss the Babe.

Anonymous said...

"Anything that requires us to move any part of our body, however slightly, including but not limited to:

--Thinking (I get tired just thinking about thinking)"

Too true. I visit this blog precisely because I prefer my bike(?) ranting curated, Snubstyle, full of snark and fury, spoon fed via the vast hose reticulum of the interwebs direct to my eyeballs with no physical effort necessary. Ball scratching/nose picking notwithstanding.

America's a scary place - outside of Brooklyn it's terrifying! I'm happy right where I am,desk bound and entertained by the BikeGadflyNY.

Anonymous said...

OK you crossed the line this time. You leave Willam Howard Taft alone.

bikesgonewild said...

...missed the podium by a mile in today's 'president's day' crit but i won a chrome messenger bag full of cats in the last prime (preem)...

McFly said...


Dr. Feelgood said...

DonnieDude appears to be struggling to read the Chino Hills Champion newspaper (serving the Chino Valley area since 1887). So it would appear that a BRA in Chino Hills California would be a no-brainer, Snob. Just think, your BRA could be the anchor subject on "shit Donnie Hates", video 5! Talk about immortality.

Anonymous said...

I predict a Snob interview via "The Pedal Powered Talk Show" in 2012.

The online Magic 8 Ball

came up "Definitely".

No arguing with that.

McFly said...

Cat...the other white meat.

Anonymous said...

DonnieDudeDarnit is probably really that stupid. He also seems to think his employer won't eventually fire him for recording videos on the job instead of just wanking until someone else needs to pass through his gate of stupidity.

President's Day isn't a real holiday because I am at work. I'm the only one that matters.



Paul Bowen said...

DonnieDudeDarnit is like a Doug Stanhope tribute act performed by a really boring mad person. That he is in charge of anything, however tiny the responsibility, is a tribute to American inclusivity.

crosspalms said...

I'm still a few hours short of a college degree. How many credits would I get for that portaging class?

Keith Earickson said...

I got pulled over (on my bike) in Mississipi by two cops that made Dirty Dingus McGee up there look like a genius.

After meeting them I came to the conclusion that in Mississippi you don't have to pass a physical to work in law enforcement you simply have to win an eating contest.

Anonymous said...

Isn't Presidents Day the day all our great Presidents bought mattresses? My memory is a bit foggy on this point, fifth grade was a long time ago and I was distracted by girls wearing their first bras.

DerZoots said...

Beater Produce!

And I watched all of Volume 4.
Donnie's not all bad. He's racist and acknowledges it, but did laugh, so his lack of sincerity does indeed point to him being all bad.
Had to talk that one through.

Wicked good post khed.

Paul Bowen said...

DonnieDudeDarnit is like a Doug Stanhope tribute act performed by a really boring mad person. That he is in charge of anything, however tiny the responsibility, is a tribute to American inclusivity.

Anonymous said...

Florida is the wang.

DerZoots said...

Hey Paul Bowen,

We read you the first fucking time.
Calm the fuck down and stop crossing the yellow line.
We'll get pulled over and the Monday ride is over.

ScranUS :/

mikeweb said...

Donnie is out of his element and needs to shut the fuck up. He also has no frame of reference, like a child wandering into the middle of a movie.

Buffalo Bill said...

WCRM, you had better be respectful of that donniedouchlimpdick feller. I hear he has a second interview scheduled with the TSA, and has already started the porno scanner operator training.

Everybody that gets on his list is gonna be sorry.

McFly said...

You guys need to check out Tennessee. We are swimming in DDD's. Not much of a call for "Good Ol' Boys" these days, the market is flooded. They are surprisingly polite to cyclists around these here parts, we are an anomoly. TAST YCAT

petrus said...

Not first.
Not last.

The King of the Park Slope said...

Why was I not informed of this newsletter thingy?

BHO said...

I'm the last president, the only one you'll need from now on.

34th again said...


I wish I were Paul Bowen said...

DonnieDudeDarnit is like a Doug Stanhope tribute act performed by a really boring mad person. That he is in charge of anything, however tiny the responsibility, is a tribute to American inclusivity.

bikesgonewild said...

...i hope donnie douchebag never discovers meth 'cuz it's kinda clear he has trouble sorting out his thoughts even when they're coming to him slowly...

Anonymous said...

Beater Produce. GOLD SNOBBY GOLD!! Midpack fodder...

Anonymous said...

i think i saw then first donnie darko. he wasn't angry in that one. it had a good sound track.

Anonymous said...

i hate it when people leave their engine running when they go in the store to get a beer and a pack of cigarettes and a lottery ticket.

Anonymous said...

I wish to call the Anonymous Posters Anonymous meeting to order. Please, can we, please, have order?

Thank you.

Who would like to begin?


Anonymous said...

I especially love that Donnie's photographic evidence of cyclists being in the road include a criterium and someone riding in the designated bike lane.

Buy-cycle said...

Flawfull as always snobby. Top 43.5?

I am the engine to make them move said...

(rom-ney) v.
1. To defecate in terror.

Don't believe me google it.

That is what is wrong with our education system. There are some funny ass people out there, and they are not on you-tube.

Anonymous said...

forty fuckin' five.fuck

Marcel Da Chump said...


Paul Bowen said...

Whoops dunno what happened there! I'll leave the dupe now because DerZoot's and I wish I were etc's pisstakes are funny.

PhilboydStunge said...

DonnieDudeDarnit is like a Doug Stanhope tribute act performed by a really boring mad person. That he is in charge of anything, however tiny the responsibility, is a tribute to American inclusivity

Jefe said...

Judging from the accent, I will not be planning any bike tours of Minnesota or North Dakota until Donnie has completed his upcoming killing spree.

Neil said...

Happy Family Day!

le Correcteur said...

Good one today, WRC! And what's with that non-Amurcan name on that Heavy Metals quiz? Learn F***iin English, A**hole! Get a f****in English name!

Our cultural exports: we should be so proud!

McFly said...

I saw the Behind the Scene's Episode on VH1 about Donnie and know FOR A FACT that at :22 seconds into the video he has farted and it's so bad he has to get up and leave the room and do a "Take 2". Which is also why he does not like people walking in on him due to the stinch.

Anonymous said...

Speak English or Die
Sarge D

Anonymous said...

I celebrate this holiday with cherry pie.

Billy said...

A whole post dedicated to Donnie "Youtube Comment Deleter" Dumbass? Slow news day or something?

PS - I'm inside reading Bike Snob and drinking tea instead of going outside and actually working on my bicycle like I said I would. IIRTTB?

Anonymous said...

Without having read through all the comments, I am sure that others have wondered exactly who this guy's employer is; maybe some skilled tech geek can pin it down (a license plate seems visible in one of the stills).
Seems that you have no choice but to assume that this asshole is real, and that when he states: 'someone should shoot these motherfuckers in the head', that given all the other redneck clues, that he may one day act on his fantasy.
Sad to think that this guy is by no means unique in his hatred.

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm betting the local 'chino hills' mickey d's owes ol' donnie douchebag a debt of gratitude for all the cash that boy has invested in their product...

...other than some "...fuckin' cut up grapes n' shit" that the mexican street vendor put "...that stupid chili shit on it...", i doubt ol' donnie gets much "real food" in his diet...

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

"squeeze cheese-blooded American"

Snark du jour.

Last fall, when I had jury duty, there was a guy in the pool for voir dire who I think must be Dingledandydammit's cousin. He didn't drop any F-bombs, (it was court after all) but he seemed to have pretty much the same thought process. Lucky for the 12 of us who did get seated that he was dismissed. We deliberated a good 4 or 5 hours as it was. If we had to drag his feeble mind along, it would have taken 10 to 20 for sure.

ashcroftchops said...

DonnieDudeDarnit is a cunt!

Anonymous said...

It wasn't the school system that failed Donny Douchebag Dumbfuck,it was his parents.
And apparently they were siblings.

Dooth said...

DonnieDoWhatuWant is a parody. The fact that he's so on-point accounts for the collective nerve he's touched.

Anonymous said...

I don't think parody means what you think it does.

DerZoots said...

Yeah donnie is the real deal.

Don't think so check out his Final Fantasy 7 modded gameplay video.

He talks about banging the hot chick in game. I will say he is surprisingly up beat for a mono tone doorknob.

In conclusion:
Donnie would do much better to review things he likes.

DerZoots said...

Oh shit!

Even better.
Donnie has porno pasted all over his walls in things i hate #3.


bikesgonewild said...

...i'm not so sure, dooth...

...the man deliberates over certain thoughts n' points in such a way as to have me believe that's it's all less of a parody than some might think & that it's just a guy who enjoys the bit of 'fame' he gets being a u-boob sensation...

...he may, as a result, become a 'parody' of himself but i'm thinkin' the 'essence of donnie' is fucking real...

mullet_warrior said...

Point of clarification:

Henceforth any reference to Alaska shall be as Canada's mullet. For example, Alaska, Canada's mullet, has very few sunlit hours in the winter.

Improper use: Canada's mullet has short days in the winter.

Anonymous said...

" Anonymous said...
It wasn't the school system that failed Donny Douchebag Dumbfuck,it was his parents.
And apparently they were siblings."

Gold.. Pure Gold!

The thought of hillbillies like this coming up behind me in their rusted out Ford F250 is the stuff of nightmares.

Bobby said...

I had a good laugh at DimDonnie's video until he added the all-to-familiar shot of a drunk driver ramming into a group of cyclists. That was going to far, gentlemen!

As usual, Sir Snob, your musings are spot on target, he deserved every scathing missive.

Looking forward to your new tome as soon as it hits the shelves!!

Bobby said...

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...


Anonymous said...

Priceonomics takes the association of fixie bikes to hipsters, and creates the Fixie Bike Index. After starting with New York, they branch out to national numbers.

DerZoots said...


You are correct.
His admission of being "messed with" by "fuckin ganGbanGerz"(big G fir emphasis) on the way home from the packy reveals a frustrated gamer with few prospects.

Dooth said...

Anon 5:46, do you mean he's sincere? As in, being himself...not an act. Well, it all boils down to whether you're an optimist or pessimist, don't it? I just can't help erring on the brighter side of human nature. Lord knows, I've been proven wrong many times.

Anonymous said...

I heard you had an ad from One Gear Clothing on your site, but I couldn't find it. All I saw were boobies ...not that that's a bad thing, mind you.

Dooth said...

bgw, I hold your opinions in the highest regard...DonnieDeDoDaDa is blaberring inconvenient truths which we should address in order to make things better...that's what I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

It's not parody, it's not satire, I don't even think it's caricature. The guy uses exaggeration to get a laugh(?).

You might argue it's extremely flawed parody but I would again disagree.

Where's the wink? Where's the irony or ? Without either this isn't parody.

Pastiche? Maybe. I'll need to watch it again. But I doubt Donny is that smart. But, I could be wrong. Maybe he's our generations Andy Kaufman?

Dooth said...

Anon 9:07, that nail you just hammered is dust...Andy Kaufman!...thankyouverymuch.

wishiwasmerckx said...

That reminds me of one of my favorite Jeff Foxworthy lines:

"If the directions to your house include the words, "Turn off of the paved road" may be a redneck..."

Luck E. Seven said...


DDD rocked the first sprint! His f count was 42, which was an astounding 13.8 f/m cadence for the 3:04 length.

He slipped in the longer distance to a 74 f count, which sounds good, but at 8:17, registers a paltry 9.06 f/m.

Even at fucking hurling fucking insults he gets winded.


bikesgonewild said...

...luck e 7even...awesome observations...time well spent...

...dooth & der may be that donnie is a highly intelligent & marvelous comic (& not a 'gate guard' whatsoever), who's pulling off an amazingly fraudulent parody, in which case he's still dangerous for the views he espouses but i go back to part of my earlier comment - "...he has trouble sorting out his thoughts...when they're coming to him..."... nothing but his physical reactions as he tries to formulate what he's saying, knowing he's 'live' in those videos...

...i might be right, i might be wrong but i guarantee you, donnie has me baffled...

Anonymous said...

This video is most disturbing
to think of his mother laboring

video game makers living it large
Donnie's sex life has no charge

A driver's license he does possess
activity for him he must redress

My hats off to the snob for insight
Our educational system is a fright

Scarier thus is our culture
waiting only to feed the vulture

Jimbo said...

E P I C !

leroy said...

DonnieDudeDarnit's updated take on the Village Idiot as Gated Community Moron (or is it Moran?) is a tribute to American idjit-neuity and worthy of celebration this President's Day.

But for a real American celebration you can't beat the Doyle and Debbie Show:

"From the pious in the heartlands,
To the heathens on the coasts,
He spreads His riches evenly
Among those He loves the most.

You're either with us or against us
And if you don't pass our test
Before you die, you'll wonder why
God loves America best.

Google their "Fat Women In Trailers." It's amazing.

McFly said... This is pretty cool.

Reggie said...

--Moving a car steering wheel a fraction of an inch to avoid killing somebody.

Yes! I usually have to explain the extent of their "inconvenience" in these terms for the dumber folks to understand.

Anonymous said...

Damn, I had to go back and re-read Friday's just so I could chant "SLAYER" through the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

Presidential Panties!

Anonymous said...

Feeling nostalgic, I can remember when people actually thought the Internet was a good thing because "it gives everybody a voice." Who could have predicted that so many of those people, like Donnie, should shut the hell up because they have nothing worth saying?

Anonymous said...

So, Boss, you don't like Boss because it's so close to Snob, but not close at all to WRM, right Boss? Oh, Boss, you disappoint me, Boss, I thought you were a grade school graduate and knew, Boss, that there are certain thing you just shouldn't admit, Boss.

Anonymous said...

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Woody Allen said...

annnnnnnnnddddddddd.....scene. Cut.

Anonymous said...

Donnie sid..."Car back" a little too late

Anonymous said...

not "Donnie sid", "Donnie said" ...gotta learn to work this new fangled selectric

Anonymous said...

Colon: Title with a Colon in It!

Anonymous said...

Fresh Panties!
(It's Tuesday!!)

DonnieDudeDarnit said...

I wasnt serious about the video i made. I have no hatred toward cyclist. Shit i didnt even think anybody would even watch that video and i woke up with around 2000 something views the next morning and death threats lol. Like i said i was just being sarcastic and exaggerating it alot. Dont take it seriously. I didnt even know there are that many cyclist out there. I knew i shouldnt of went into so much detail in that video lol. I just started recording and just went with it.

McFly said...

Well then that makes everything OK in my book. These other guys though, well, you may want to take cover.

Reggie said...

I give DonnieDude credit for commenting and apologizing here, however...

Ah, the 21st century American way: when you say something asinine and it is pointed out by other people, one backtracks and make a apology basically saying, "I didn't mean what I said." Well if you didn't mean it, why did you say it? A real apology goes something like this, "What I said was asinine, and my attitudes were basically ignorant and maybe even hateful. If I rode a bike I would punch myself in the face for saying garbage like that. Sorry."

md said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

vote bikeME

Anonymous said...

Don't Fuck with the Donnie Darnit!

Anonymous said...


Donnie Dickweed.

DonnieDudeDarnit said...

I remember this lol. Dont take it too serious.

OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

Robert said...


Shit sucks.


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