Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Slow Reveal: Synergize This

Pope Alexander once said, "To air is human; to forget, divine." I couldn't agree more, for as a human animal myself I make airers and forget to do crap all the time. Fortunately, now and then people email and alert me to the airer of my ways. For example, I recently learned that the phonetic pronunciation of bakfiets isn't "bake feets," as I have heretofore been rendering it:

Dear snob,
I must take issue with your fonetic spelling of the word 'bakfiets'. 'Bake-feets' is incorrect; the a in bak is short, it rhymes with 'fuck'.
Here is how it is pronounced.
best,
Remco

Well fuck my feet, I've been pronouncing it wrong all this time! Given the ".nl" at the end of the sender's email address, I'm assuming he's from the Netherlands (or possibly their hated neighbor to the east, Holland) and as such that he knows what he's talking about. Anyway, the upshot of this is that I guess I should start saying "buck feets" from now on, but as an American it is my civic duty to mangle any and all "furrin" words, so I'll probably just keep saying "bake feets" anyway.

Speaking of linguistic matters, a commenter yesterday also had the following question:

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,
Regarding the line "SRAM has picked this week to flog its new Red group", when did you abandon the treatment of corporations as plural nouns, e.g. "Cinelli have become the bicycle equivalent of a middle-aged divorcee in a Versace dress" or "Mavic may very well have found a solution to their self-destructing carbon spoke problem"? I always found the use of plural nouns for corporations on this blog jarring, although I do not believe it is in fact grammatically incorrect.

December 19, 2011 4:54 PM


My response to this is a hearty "Whuh?" The truth is, I don't worry about stuff like grammer and spealing when I write for the same reasons I don't use a power meter when I ride, and those reasons are: 1) I don't understand it; and B) What little I do understand is extremely boring to me. However, there are certain misteaks that even I can spot, such as this one which was forwarded to me by a reader:

(I can't believe I forgot to get Sidi a fiftief anniversarsary present!)

Obviously, the mistake is that the "s" in Sidi should be capitalized. Duh.

But if you're into grammatical mistake porn, there's no better place to find it than Craigslist:


To my star crossed lover - m4w (Park Slope 7th Ave and 5th St)
Date: 2011-12-18, 1:57AM EST
Reply to:

I was wearing a black jacket with white writing, and my heart on my sleeve. You were on a bike wearing a beanie. Our eyes met and worlds collided, boooom! (that was the worlds colliding)

Who are you...I want to know

Sincerely

You're Future


I hope "You're Future" and his erstwhile lady in a beanie eventually find each other, get married, and celebrate many, many anniversarsaries together. Then, they can have the world's douchiest wedding--though they'll have a hard time out-douching the current pretentious nuptial champions, as forwarded to me by a reader:


Apparently, instead of just having a wedding, these people decided to turn their union into an allegory of douchefication:

It would be easy to say that the couple, in their mid-30s, abhorred the idea of a traditional wedding, but Mr. Friedlander and Ms. Schmidt are not the sort of people who are in the business of abhorring things. They did not want their wedding “to be just about us,” the groom told me, but rather, about the world of creativity and social purpose that they inhabit.

Also, they figured they'd save the Earth while they were at it:

During the reception, Mr. Friedlander asked his guests to please recycle their cups, “because we’re really in a serious situation with climate change.”

If someone asked me to recycle my cup at a party "because we're really in a serious situation with climate change," I'd collect every cup in the joint, make a big pile in the middle of the dance floor, and start the world's biggest plastic cup fire--assuming of course I wasn't too busy proving myself worthy of attending in the first place:

When guests arrived on Saturday night two weeks ago, they were greeted with name tags that asked them to declare a commitment. Lest they not take the request seriously, the hosts had additional cards printed that asked them to “Name something you are really committed to.” The cards contained further imperatives: “Name one action you can take in the next 24 hours that is aligned with your commitment.” Other cards prompted guests toward a treasure hunt in which they were encouraged to meet new people.

I suppose a typical card looked something like this:

Name something you are really committed to: Saving the Earth by recycling cups at parties

Name one action you can take in the next 24 hours that is aligned with your commitment: Using the same cup twice.

Though I take it a step further and have officially pledged to become a one-cup household. One-cup households are on the forefront of the sustainability movement, and we use a single cup for everything: drinking, rinsing after brushing, playing Yahtzee, and even collecting our menstruation. "A toast to the bride and groom!," I'd announce to all assembled, though the "clink" of glasses would be replaced by an eerie latex silence. Anyway, a lot of people are worried about the state of the environment, but I'm not, because with visionaries like these we should have the whole global warming thing sorted out in no time.

Of course, when you read something like this, the inevitable question is, "What the hell do these people do?" Well, here's what, though it raises more questions than it answers:

Ms. Schmidt, who once served as the creative director of Moomah, the children’s cafe in Tribeca that caters to parents in denial about some of the distasteful aesthetics of child-rearing, made the cards in her favored style of heavy stock, neutral paper and quaint typefaces. Through her company, Screech Owl Design, Ms. Schmidt makes beautiful, twee paper products that would seem to demand an existence inside a Miranda July snow globe. Synergistically, Powerhouse is among the many places where Ms. Schmidt’s work is sold.


I was especially confused by Moombah, the place "that caters to parents in denial about some of the distasteful aesthetics of child-rearing," but then I went to the website, and I figured out it's just a Chuck E. Cheese for assholes:

In any case, if you're wondering what all this has to do with cycling, the answer is "nothing," apart from the fact that I wish the wedding had been crashed by a bunch of drunk naked people on recumbents. Also, this wedding was about "synergy," and (further to yesterday's post) SRAM is/are continuing to capitalize on the intense synergy that results when you combine the soporific words of Levi Leipheimer with boringly ambiguous photos:

Really, that? That's your favorite part? Guess the new Red group is all downhill from here. Still, this is high praise coming from Leipheimer, who is not easily impressed:

And whose vision knows no bounds:

I can't wait to see the right front brake pad.

128 comments:

dcdouglas said...

First again!

andrew said...

YES!

Jasper said...

Early doors

CYC said...

Top 10

CYC said...

just missed!!

theEel said...

topteneel!

Anonymous said...

top ten!

Anonymous said...

top ten +1

Buy-cycle said...

Hipster dog loves dog whistles, but you've probably never heard it before. Wacka Wacka. Top 10-ish?

Anonymous said...

fuck beets

Anonymous said...

tooooop teeeeeeen?plaeeeeez

Shit shit shit said...

Missing the top tens.
Boxed in by inattentivenesses.

Anonymous said...

I read this and I lol'd.

grog said...

Oy!

RB1 said...

Duh ? Duh tch.

Anonymous said...

Second pack sprinter [top-twenty] all week! I can't wait to not tell my friends!!

Nogocyclist said...

Does it make you a better person if you don't use disposable cups at all, but instead use recycled jars?

I use old mayonnaise jars to drink from myself. I must admit I never did it because I was trying to live a sustainable lifestyle. I only do it because I am cheap.

Anonymous said...

snob,
please don't call children assholes!
you'res troolly
buck feats

Motivational Speaker said...

Listen to ME!

Top 20

petrus said...

Top XX!!

leroy said...

Twee paper products sold at Powerhouse?

Didn't Powerhouse host a reading by that celebrity bike blogger what's-his-name?

Who needs Twee paper goods when authors have finally combined literature and stickers?

Or am I getting my powerhouses confused?

Anonymous said...

i always thought "bake feets" was a normative americanisation akin to Sheldon Brown's "derailer", rather than a descriptive phonetization of the dutch term.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No comment.

Anonymous said...

TOP 30 ... another short term goal accomplished.

zoots

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna call this latest Snub blog a "ramnt". A rambling rant.

But interestingly enough,
if one were to represent this "ramnt" in a 4D plot, slice it and then perform a simple FFT into a vector mapping you would see it's just an elaborate way for the Snub to write scranus.

esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

After the ceremony, in which chants were chanted and vows, written by the couple’s friends, were exchanged, guests sat down to a series of talks, with PowerPoint presentations, on subjects of interest to the couple — ecological efficiency, neuroscience, holistic healing. Those who did not care to listen wandered about eating dumplings and popcorn, which made up the entire nuptial meal.

Name something you are really committed to: Getting the FUCK out of this wedding as soon as I can!

Name one action you can take in the next 24 hours that is aligned with your commitment: Using the door

Anonymous said...

Leave MOOMAH alone! They are doing all they can to foster the next generation of douchebags.

paulb said...

The bake feets joke explained. Hanukah came several hours early this year. Thank you, Snob.

Anonymous said...

Two Rules to Live By:
Rule #1 - Don't be a Dick
Rule #2 - Don't forget rule number 1...

Apparently this is too much for some people with all the douchery going on inside their self absorbed and empty heads.

Ciao Pinarello

crosspalms said...

Were those plastic cups artisanal? I like that the bride and groom showed PowerPoint presentations and the groom's boss gave a talk on the benefits of minimalism, which been berry berry good to him (well, that and big money).

Dumplings and popcorn said...

Seriously? Eat me.

ervgopwr said...

I see your queef Snob. You're making Levi blush.

Sneaky queefer.

TWTR QWFF

Big Kaddy Cane Creek said...

Brooklyn bows its head in shame.

First, idiot "bike culture" blowhards pretending their ILLEGAL mountain bike "trail" riding in Prospect Park (which does not mountain bike trails) is "epic."

Now this worst-of-all-possible-weddings, and yes, I do blame Powerhouse Arena utter lack of ethics for supporting such inanity no matter the price.

Here's my commitment: to pulling my bearings and, if necessary, replacing my bottom bracket cups also come Spring.

Anonymous said...

levi ftw! har har har!

Anonymous said...

All in all, I'd have to say at the end of the day, times being what they are that the year should be summarized in some way, a real "look Back at 2011" episode is due, and the top of the list for me in terms of material has been the "fuck Minimalism" dealio and "screw Bestmade yo" in that order..

More crotchal splendor or ima fukking kil yoo

JB said...

I enjoy attending wedding receptions that are synonomous with middle-management business seminars. Don't you?

"What's one thing you can do in the next 24 hrs to//"
"WHERE'S THE GODDAMNED BAR OR I'MA TORCH THESE FUCKING CUPS!"

Smellvin said...

"Moomah is a space where both parents and kids can bond over a great song, a fun project or new treat. A place where you can just be together. Projects range from $15 - $35."

Doucheness is expensive! Grandma's house was a lot cheaper.

JB said...

If someone asked me to recycle my cup at a party "because we're really in a serious situation with climate change," I'd collect every cup in the joint, make a big pile in the middle of the dance floor, and start the world's biggest plastic cup fire..."

I'd collect every joint in a cup, and then get the hell outta there.

clovejoy said...

How do you spot a douche? Here's a hint. Recycling is the third R in reduce, reuse, recycle. So when the groom asks his guests to recycle their cups (instead of using reusable ones) what he's really saying isn't that climate change is a serious situation, but that he wants others to think he thinks its a serious situation.

Anonymous said...

John Stewart's wife runs the moomeh...Chuck E. Cheese for assholes, brilliant!

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bob Sacamano said...

I was the best man at that wedding of tools and I commited not to fuck the hot bridesmaid and I totally let them down....

louisvillian said...

re; Nogocyclist, 12:20

If you stand on your head, you can probably "drink from yourself" without even an old mayonnaise jar.

Paul Bowen said...

Name something you are really committed to: getting just a ridiculous amount of douchetine.

Name one action you can take in the next 24 hours that is aligned with your commitment: attending your fucking wedding.

Anonymous said...

Smellvin @1:15 p.m.:

That's because Grandma wasn't "in denial about some of the distasteful aesthetics of child-rearing."

Anonymous said...

http://img1.tvloop.com/img/showpics/a4/dc/l34077f220000_2_25647.jpg

wishiwasmerckx said...

I might be unsure of how to pronounce "Bakfeits" or "Ritte" (may or may not rhyme with "clit"), but I can pronounce "Djamolidine Abdoujaparov" like a native speajavascript:void(0)ker.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Just chillin listening to my favorite Christmas song of all time: Three Dog Night's "Mama Told me nog to Come."

wishiwasmerckx said...

Given their background, I never would have suspected that that particular Bride and Groom would be Toby Kieth fans:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKZqGJONH68&ob=av2e

Marcel Da Chump said...

nice day for... a douche wedding

Anonymous said...

those cornstarch cups give me a hangunder ..
51? like merckx?



still walkin mr.pissta

mikeweb said...

Thank you clovejoy, thank you.

Anonymous said...

I am disturbed to see that the groom appears to have actually been involved in the planning of that "allegory of douchefication". I am sure his buddies lost more than a little respect, not that he is ever going to see them again anyway.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what's wierder, the Watchtower zombies marching into their gold plated fortresses or the Dumbo drones who shelled out the big cash to live in David Walentas' little playpen and be his friend. Is there an ancient Indian burial ground somewhere around Fulton landing?

crosspalms said...

DOOR KNOB

Etherhuffer said...

Nice wedding. Too bad the "Flaming Elevator Arsonist" turned himself in. Coulda hired him for the entertainment at the reception.

Anonymous said...

"The evening’s keynote speaker, more or less, was Graham Hill…gave a talk about the importance of personal downsizing, which was largely a talk about his life."

Wow a recycled speech. Way to save the environment.

Anonymous said...

Committed to:
Bellview
Action taken in the next 24 hours to demonstrate my committment:
Masturbating furiously for 16 hours straight.

Anonymous said...

Isn't the distasteful part of child rearing the poo?

Sooooooo, anal douche?

Anonymous said...

My dog has a giant knob like that door knob.
Kind of nurled as well.
I will have to ask him when he will launch it.

Levroy

Anonymous said...

My dog has a giant knob like that door knob.
Kind of nurled as well.
I will have to ask him when he will launch it.

Levroy

Agravaine said...

The wedding room picture looks like the City Museum in St Louis, where they have weddings and real slides not a slideshow (recycled industrial slides too).

Sounds hipster-ish but it's an awesome place to take kids.

Artisanal Pain said...

Hilarious!!!

Stijn said...

Correction:

That should be Dumbotrons not drones.

FAKE BEETS

Ah, correction # 2:

FUCK BEETS??

skink said...

Ethereal chicks!

Can't stand 'em.

Anonymous said...

jesus hopping christ... i love bikesnob

Doucheta Claus said...

It's the most douchiest time
of the year.

g-roc said...

If they insisted the guests be honest about their answer, they'd mostly be committed to fofonov in front of a mirror.

A lot of douchiness in this world, but then I live in a world where people comment on blogs they haven't read - 68th.

no star said...

Our blissfully wedded couple are children of 60's radicals. We can blame the douchetification of NYC on the flower children.

Anonymous said...

my dog has back feets

grrrrrrrrr_grrrrrrrrrr said...

I'm committed to making a paycheck every week unlike these Trustafarians.

My next wedding, the guests will have to choose between eating and going to laundromat.

Mcfly said...

I love it when someone POSTS then POSTS again because they thought it did'n "TAKE"

Mcfly said...

I love it when someone POSTS then POSTS again because they thought it did'n "TAKE"

grrrrrrrrrrrrr_grrrrrrrrrrrrrr said...

Another option would be choosing between a chronic illness and no health insurance or a rotten tooth and no dental insurance.

And then they get to choose between going to the doctor and not getting paid, or going to work and managing their malady.

Fun wedding, right?

Anonymous said...

"the distasteful aesthetics of child-rearing"

I'm going to call daddy right away and get him to hire me an au pair.

Did you know that small children actually poop in their own pants? THEN, they expect ME to clean it up. And they can't hold their liquor either.

Anonymous said...

I left my social responsibility at the door.
All you can eat buffet babes.
Especially for the one with a forked tongue and no panties.

True Grit

Anonymous said...

Hey snob

Have you ever considered turning this into a traveling freakshow?
Plenty of pin heads.

Matt G

Anonymous said...

My dog Loves peanut butter.
I wish chicks loved peanut butter.

Levroy

Anonymous said...

So many people are considering it a douche wedding. Perhaps it is the pedantic and condescending message.

One of them must be an overzealous elementary school teacher.

Kudos to the couple for trying to do something different from the traditional, nauseating ritual.

UrbanRidingTips said...

Dude, remember what happens to Bret and Jemaine when they become a one cup household. It's. Not. Worth. It.

muddler said...

We're totally trashing the douche wedding. Freidlander has yet to man-up and defend his ethereal bride.
The bride will be taking personal scuba lessons from a nudist french dude during the honeymoon.

Anonymous said...

Not related directly at all, but what is up with Rapha and their knifey-spoony relationship on where their over-priced shit is made? Their "KTC" blog post, attempting to justify their excuse for making $200 jerseys in China with awkwardly faceless and institutional factory photos, lines-up strangely with today's post of some mom & pop glove shop (Burfields & Co) in the U.K. Ironically, it closes with this funny little caveat: [This article was written in 2010 - "Due to demand, some of Rapha's gloves are now handmade in Indonesia, as well as the UK."

Demand...profit margins...who's counting?!?

Certainly there's a post in there. Who doesn't love to hate Rapha after all? And I keep seeing them use Rapha like this: "Rapha are challenging you and riders all across the globe..." WTF are they? Is Rapha plural?

bikesgonewild said...

..."...Through her company, Screech Owl Design, Ms. Schmidt makes beautiful..." blah, blah, blah...

...blinded by love (& pussy), mr friedlander, in choosing a bride missed the obvious clue - "...screech owl..." as per truth in advertising...

...10 years down the line, this douche-ificationist will be hoping not to achieve 'sustainability' but a simple bit of "peace of mind" whilst his once loving bride screeches in his ear - "take out the garbage & don't forget to separate the recycling..."...

...i can only imagine this 'vision of perfection' will come 'screeching' to a halt...

bikesgonewild said...

...two douches, one cup...

8===D ~ ~ ~ (oYo) said...

I went to John Stewart's house begging for money for the Sierra Club. This was probably 15 years ago. He lived in Armonk. He gave me $20 cash. I bought weed with it.

OBA said...

Happy Hanukkah WRC/RTMS/BSNYC/EW!

mikeweb said...

I don't know, bgw, maybe Ms. Schmidt has a thing for that character from 'Saved By the Bell' played by Dustin Diamond. I hear Mr. Diamond has a major endowment. Not the, ahem, charity type either.

crosspalms said...

Goombah is a space where both parents and kids can bond over a great song, a fun project or new treat until someone comes up with the ransom money. A place where you can just be together. For as long as it takes.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

I had some chili yesterday that made me "air" all day.

leroy said...

Anon 2:23 --

My dog says if you have to inquire, you know nothing about dogs and should invest in either a good pair of track shoes or stain remover.

Frankly, I don't know what he's talking about, but that's nothing new.

He did suggest that you should meet Phil-A. He says you have much in common.

And it might help your stutter.

leroy said...

Anon 3:28 --

You poor soul. You don't know much about women either, do you?

Don't you worry. There's someone for everybody in this world.

Anonymous said...

I detect a hint of BGW in that Levi tweet. A coincidence that they are never seen together? Or is Levi merely a fan of the BSNYC comments page?


...just sayin...

Hophead said...

Is it just me, or did that wedding article read like something out of The Onion? I mean, who the fuck uses words like "twee" seriously?

Hophead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Yup.

Powerhouse is ruined for me. This is retarded extraordinaire. I understand they need money, but It's just beyond the PALE. They also carry way too many pretentious, trendy, awful books, just bc they have industry "art" cred.

Most importantly, they refused to refund the admission for the Glen Greenwald talk when HE CANCELLED at the last second (no fault of his: heart palpitations). But listening to Matt Taibi field questions from the converted is not why people paid to attend. Especially lame when so many of Greenwald's other book tour talks were FREE.

Anonymous said...

Apparently one thing that the bride is not committed to is the bonds of marriage. Just two years ago, she was married to one George Schmidt with whom she founded screech owl whatever. J&G Schmidt publicized their seemingly perfect marriage at every opportunity, including numerous articles about their business and tiny apartment. Now she's marrying another pretentious schmuck and doesn't have the good sense to elope for her second wedding.

Fred said...

As part of my ongoing commitment to sustainability, I read this post twice. (Re-use)

Tomorrow, I won't read it. (Reduce)

I will tell several of the jokes as if they were my own (Recycle)

You're welcome, planet.

Throw_away Bicycling said...

@Agravane:

The wedding room picture looks like the City Museum in St Louis, where they have weddings and real slides not a slideshow (recycled industrial slides too).

Sounds hipster-ish but it's an awesome place to take kids.


Oh yes: the City Museum. the most awesome place in the world for kids...precisely because it is a freaking lawsuit waiting to happen. The place is monkey bars to the seesaw power, but yet...it is still open, because in the Midwest, people don't sue each other into oblivion because some kid scraped his knee on an unpadded piece of playground equipment.

One of these days, somebody from (say) Williamsburg will visit there and the next day, the place will be padlocked forever.

Earl said...

Next time I tie the knot, it's gonna be in a parking garage, with mason jars, fulla moonshine. Hapy Channukkahh, bitches.

Earl said...

add the p

Earl said...

Almost forgate, 100th!

Yoda said...

Bibliophiles miss the point, ethereal as it may be, really a waste of time.

Anonymous said...

When BGW mentions douche in every ...
I stand back and take note...the man knows what he is talking about.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 10:31pm...well, hey...it's like i've got a loaded gun & bsnyc/rtms/wcrm keeps lobbing up big, big targets...

...whilst the general public is content to allow the douche-ification of america to take place, it remains for those of us who "...do not go gentle into that good night..." to stand up & cry foul...

Anonymous said...

Crap Leroy we all get that your dog likes peanut butter.
Gilbert

Anonymous said...

Totally hillarious when flaccid cocks talk hard.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 7:16pm...those "levi" posts are subtly hilarious, in my book...

...in one sense, i have nothing but the utmost respect for levi leipheimer for his accomplishments on the bike but in another, he IS so fucking bland that i find bsnyc/rtms/wcrm's treatment to be delightful...

...nothing nasty, nothing nefarious, just kinda making fun of the blandness...

...btw, levi lives about 41mi or 66k away from here...we don't, like, ride or hang out together by mutual agreement...mostly 'cuz we've never met...

bikesgonewild said...

..."to air is human..."...

...& thus the world is full of fucking airheads...

Anonymous said...

i forgot,i have feet baking in the oven.
Hannabal,the cannabal

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

Grammar is sexy dammit!
Panties!
Red Group Panties!

Anonymous said...

Disposable recycled panties!

alex said...

douchey weddings and Levi tweets. my fave post thus far.

sweatpants cyclist said...

@ Anon 2:21 pm

Yeah that was my first thought when I read the phrase: "distasteful aesthetics of child-rearing":

11 am: 'Go with the nice lady to wipe your bottom while mommy gets wine drunk.'

Or maybe that mommy finds playing with her children distasteful and doesn't want to ruin her manicure with finger paint. It's OK to be a neglectful parent, as long as you pay extra for an enriched holistic-granola-creative-blah-blah-blah environment.

Anonymous said...

"Artisanal" has jumped the shark:

Http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com

Anonymous Coward said...

"To air is Human, to forget divine" isn't that the downhiller's mantra on Wednesdays?

Anonymous said...

ah...this is fucked. i feel you. but i shouldn't have to sign off with some principled naturalists to show my kid a good creative time. you want to do the world a favor drop dead, and that ain't in my dna.

sufferist said...

Deer in the living room?

http://www.screechowldesign.com/oystercatcher.html

sufferist said...

Deer in the living room?

http://www.screechowldesign.com/oystercatcher.html

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

they seemed JUST perfect together (dabs tears out of his eyes)

http://www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20090111/Living+Loft+Found+Greenpoint

OH. GEORGE. AND. Jacqueline...............

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Slides? What?

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