Monday, December 19, 2011

Lush Life: Just a Ridiculous Amount of Flavor

Like many people, I sometimes dream of kicking the wheel chocks out from under my gypsy caravan and moving someplace else. Sure, New York has a lot to offer, what with its abundance of chain drugstores and elevator disasters, but the simple fact is that each and every building in this town is being flushed of its contents and refilled with retro-chic knife makers and curators of artisanal beer cocktails:

Like any American with a chronic need to blunt the pain of my own existence, I enjoy both beer and cocktails. (And wine, and sake, and, when none of these things are available, the contents of a spirit thermometer.) However, the fact that I tend to enjoy my beer and my cocktails in separate glasses now makes me hopelessly old-fashioned. See, I just like flavor, but now it's about ridiculous flavor:

“We’re taking beer which, already within itself, is very complex with so many aromas and flavors,” Roshia said. “And we’re adding artisan spirits and liquors, and creating just a ridiculous amount of flavor.”

Ridiculous indeed. Brooklyn is now a place where even the simple act of getting a drink has been bullshittified beyond all recognition:

To craft the perfect beer elixir, Roshia uses booze as diverse as triple sec and clear corn moonshine. The result is colorful cocktails such as the Dark and Smokey, a moonshine beverage with rosemary, ginger liqueur, agave and a smoked porter; and the Clandestine Moon, which combines moonshine, Drambuie, blueberries, mint and Captain Lawrence Liquid Gold.

Clearly then I need to reside someplace where you can enter a simple dining or drinking establishment without first having to research its backstory. But where to go? This sort of thing is happening everywhere, not just in New York, and the only thing worse than modern Brooklyn-style douchefication is the lame second-tier douchefication you now find in other American cities.

At the same time, though, I am hopelessly and irrevocably urbanized, which means that the places where douchefication isn't taking place frighten and confuse me even more than the douchefied places do. In short, I'm totally helpless anyplace but here. Really, that's what's so insidious about the whole douchefication/bullshittification phenomenon. Eventually, what happens is you want a nice cocktail, and so you cave and go the artisanal beer cocktail place, and despite the fact that you're resolved to hate your drink you have to admit its delicious. Three days later you find yourself thinking about it, and so you go back again, and next thing you know you can't drink anything that doesn't contain artisanal home-fermented agave nectar.

Then one day you discover you can't start your day without a Japanese slow drip coffee, and you can't end it without a Appalachian Moonshine IPA Porter Gimlet. You are now a douche, and the only hope for you is a painful detox program deep in the American midwest.

Still, I know there must be a better place somewhere. In fact, this past weekend I visited my ideal city:

Sadly, it doesn't exist, since the city I visited was the Holiday Train Show at the New York Botanical Garden. This is too bad, because when you take New York City's greatest architectural hits and combine them with an extensive rail network, lush vegetation, and a comfortable greenhouse climate in a car-free environment you have nothing less than the ideal city. Then again, maybe this is what global warming has in store for us anyway, so perhaps all I need to do is wait it out.

Meanwhile, in the real New York, filmmaker Casey Neistat (the guy who made that famous bike lane video, among other things) found himself embroiled in a controversy over the weekend after he posted a film in which he cuts somebody's lock because they passed it through his brake cable:


The perceived overreaction made many people angry, though Neistat defended his actions by saying that adjusting brake cables is a "major inconvenicence:"

Unfortunately, I never got to see the video, since I was so busy pretending to live in the fake Botanical Garden version of New York City that by the time I heard about it he had already deleted it:


Much to the delight of the "Twitteroni:"

Not having seen the video or Neistat's bicycle, I'm not qualified to comment on the difficulty (or lack thereof) involved in simply removing the cable and freeing the bike. (Though depending on his setup I'm guessing the difficulty level was somewhere between "pretty easy" and "laughably easy.") Furthermore, as a semi-professional full-time Internet douchebag, I'm really not in a position to judge somebody who exploits a minor inconvenience for the purposes of entertainment. I will say though that Neistat might want to use his angle grinder to "curate" himself a less-snaggable cockpit like this:

(Forwarded by a reader.)

Or maybe the owner of this bike already ran afoul of Mr. Leistat, who then went and hacked off his drops.

Another New Yorker who made bike-related news this weekend was Woody Allen, who apparently told Interview magazine that he thinks one of the worst things about present-day New York is "uncontrolled bike riders:"

New York has changed for the better in some obvious ways, like the dropping of the crime rate and people don't squeegee my windshield when I come to a stoplight. On the other hand, uncontrolled bike riders are a great hazard, and the wonderful idea of more and more people having bikes in New York will turn sour as people become alienated because so much of it is out of control. That will be a pity.

I guess he does have a point (perhaps he got buzzed by Lucas Brunelle at some point), though I was dismayed to see him single out reckless cyclists instead of much greater hazards like reckless drivers or purveyors of artisanal beer cocktails--especially since "back in the day" he didn't think cars belonged in Manhattan at all:

"They should ban all cars from Manhattan."--Woody Allen in his 1979 film, "Manhattan."

Sure, "Manhattan" was just a movie, but it's safe to believe it accurately reflected his beliefs at the time. After all, he also dated a 17 year-old Mariel Hemingway in the film, and while out-of-control cyclists may frighten Allen he's certainly proved himself to be a man undaunted by "epic" age differences.

Lastly, while I was perusing the Twitter I also noticed that component manufacture SRAM has picked this week to flog its new Red group on the aforementioned social network by using the hashtag "#RedDetails" and "leaking" ambiguous pictures. This mostly seems to involve sponsored riders like Levi Leipheimer issuing stilted "Tweets" like this:

The dynamic personality of Levi Leipheimer and a photo of a single derailleur pulley? It doesn't get much more exciting than that.

96 comments:

esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

ta-da!

pebes said...

first?

Nogocyclist said...

Still stuck in the past.

Anonymous said...

pooodium?

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

and ScranusNipple

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

what is going on back there in October?

can you give us a synopsis?

JB said...

hehmehhehmeh

Buy-cycle said...

number 8?

crosspalms said...

AeroGlide. Now there's an artisanal cocktail name.

Anonymous said...

Derail my pulley. Scranus?




balls.

Anonymous said...

top ten due to NO ONE working today...

theEel said...

almostteneel.

Anonymous said...

gettin close

Anonymous said...

Lock through my bike, I don't know you, consider your toptube cut. Get some frickin manners. Park your bike across the bike parking area, instead of by a tire, I'll fuck witcha. Cars that park double spaced expect to be safe, but are instead keyed. Why should bikers be any less observant of civility?

Buffalo Bill said...

Sorry I'm late, the bike path wasn't plowed until 8:30. Makes me wonder what I pay taxes for.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

glad you went easy on your dad...er...uh...Woody...
he's really only making the power of one argument you made the other day

sweatpants cyclist said...

"This sort of thing is happening everywhere, not just in New York, and the only thing worse than modern Brooklyn-style douchefication is the lame second-tier douchefication you now find in other American cities."

That sounds like what a douche would say. I guess you're following the Guns N' Roses philosophy: "live and let die".

Anonymous Coward said...

"bulshittification" is going into my personal lexicon. Thank you Snob.

Oh and congrats Daddo.

Anonymous said...

can one legally buy moonshine and if so is it still moonshine?
and how's Levi riding a bike with no chain - double schluffing, dandy style?

Anonymous said...

Top Twenty?? and now it's time to pretend it's Wednesday....

wishiwasmerckx said...

Do the beer cocktail flavors include semen and black truffle?

Just curious...

Anonymous said...

I got so sick of hipsters passing me on the inside I quit riding..thats why I mounted my texter on the cockpit I figured I can make up for the time lost by walking if I text as I walk..

all the best from Mister Pissta in the first break!

Nogocyclist said...

Back in October everyone has run out of things to say or do. Everyone is searching for something different, some new experience to excite our senses.

We have tried every type of food there is and every type of drink there is. Now we are combining stuff together just so we can experience something new.

Because I have tried just about every combination possible (with food) I am now trying combinations such as Venison stuffed artisan glazed donuts. Surprisingly, they actually taste delicious.

Etherhuffer(Flammable) said...

Lock cutting...... I guess it depends on whether your perp needs a lesson or not. I think those folks are usually inattentive anyway and will find some other way to annoy. Like spray you with flammables and light you on fire.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Etherhuffer- don't you hate it when that happens?

Mcfly said...

What's a "brake cable"?

Anonymous said...

was hoping for a top 20 . . .

Etherhuffer said...

Talk about leaving you all hot and bothered......

Nogocyclist said...

I have to object to the artisan types trying to portray they are curating a beverage with "moonshine."

Moonshine is something you have to sneak around and find at some backwoods country store or juke joint, not something sold by a highly regulated licensed artisan bartender.

The bartender may be selling corn liquor called moonshine, but if he is doing it legally, he is not selling moonshine.

P.S. This message brought to you by the Backwoods Liquor Snob (who really knows what he is talking about even though he does not drink alcoholic beverages at all.)

Anonymous said...

Snob-

It's really easy to leave NYC. Just move somewhere else. After a few months you realize that NYC is a smelly, noisy place that you really are glad to have left. I did if 4.5 years ago and never plan on going back.

Anonymous said...

Snob-

It's really easy to leave NYC. Just move somewhere else. After a few months you realize that NYC is a smelly, noisy place that you really are glad to have left. I did if 4.5 years ago and never plan on going back.

Dear leader where art thou! said...

Hey it's Monday!
Big Kim is taking a break.

PawnShop said...

Speaking from half a century's experience, life deep in the American midwest already IS a painful detox program. So setting up such such a program here would would be be redundantdundant.

Anonymous said...

CREAM BEAR

creamic bearings are what's up. I have this hill I ride and it usually causes me to flail. The other day I put on some creamic bearings and kapow, I had to use brakes to avoid catching air!

8===D ~ ~ ~ (oYo) said...

pffffttt, best beer cocktail is the PERUVIAN BEAR FUCKER!

Pint glass half full of OJ and PBR, drop in a shot of rum. Tastes like creamsicle. TIME TRAVEL IS IMMENENT!

Anonymous said...

Some dude with a beachcruiser locked his u-lock around my front cable. I used my multi-tool and had in free in two minutes. Then I severely bent one of his spokes. Sure it is terrible in a number of ways.
The poor guy probably won't get around to riding his sweetass beachcruiser for another 2 years.

carbon_seat_clamp said...

'moonshine' is whatever grains the scofflaw distilled. Could be corn, could be wheat and a bunch of other things. You could use potatoes too with somewhat different results.

Finishing this far back has ruined my GC results.

carbon_seat_clamp said...

legal moonshine is some form of whiskey or perhaps clear alcohols like vodka, gin. It just depends on how it's made.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Did you know? The New York Botanical Garden is in the Bronx

Anonymous said...

BEER COCK

bikesgonewild said...

..."The dynamic personality of Levi Leipheimer and a photo of a single derailleur pulley? It doesn't get much more exciting than that."...

...THAT statement = delightfully humorous mirth...

Anonymous said...

Someone "locked" their dog to my bike the other day at the grocery store and it wasn't one of those trustworthy dogs, it was little and sketchy. Rather than get bitten trying to dislocate it I waited a bit and then a nice family arrived apologizing profusely for their error. Would've ended quite differently if I had hacked and slashed and I'm glad I didn't. Take a moment and breathe buddy....

Etherhuffer said...

Good thing that little dog locked to the bike wasn't in Korea. Juche!

Anonymous said...

It's sad that snob missed out on the video, a video full of so much awful Williamsburg-ness that it nearly makes me want to leave NYC... Cause what you get to see instead of just slacking the cable and pulling it out at the MTB lever he had on his Jamis...

Neistat calling his assistant and demanding he bring him his angle grinder.

Neitsat waiting in a huff while the assistant takes the time to bring the angle grinder.

Neistat receiving the angle grinder from the assistant who says it has just been fully charged.

He cuts the U Lock, offering video footage on how you too can become a bike thief for a piece of 40$ hardware.

Then he comes back 2 hours later filming everything and runs into the guy and awkwardness ensues.

There may have been a point to cutting the guy's u-lock, though a tangled brake cable just means an ignorant tool didn't do it intentionally or waywardly. Likewise an allen key on your person or an understanding of how brake cables work would arm with tools & less ignorance.

Making a video about it, though, which involves calling your assistant and demanding they bring your angle grinder comes off as the biggest trust funded dick / douche move of all time in NYC history.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I've known PERUVIAN BEAR FUCKER for a while now, and for what it is worth, he's a stand-up guy.

g-roc said...

Sure, it alegedly took the guy 40 seconds to cut through, but how much time did he spend retrieving the proper tool for the job? Unless he just happens to keep a cordless angle grinder in his messenger bag. Which, I guess, would make sense if he's Christmas shopping for all his cycling friends.

g-roc said...

Posted that before I read Anon 2:54's synopsis. That story makes a bike thief look like just a poor schmoe trying to feed his family.

grog said...

Speaking of lush, thanks for the happy appearance of Recumbabe.

db said...

Wow, drivetrain bike porn. "Hey baby, show us yer jockey wheels."

Pretty soon I'm gonna have to start denying that I'm a cyclist...

bikesgonewild said...

...u-lock episode looks like something out of antonio prohias's 'spy vs spy'...

...in this case it's 'douche vs douche'...

...1st douche should a' paid better attention to begin with & kinda deserved to get his lock cut, in my non-humble opinion...

...2nd douche, whilst inconvenienced, (& ya, i would a' been pissed in the same situation), definitely 'over the top'-ped it by videoing & making a 'social media phenomena' out a' the fucking thing...

...file under 'bike lane rage - douche vs douche'...

Anonymous said...

Panties!
Damnit, I'm serious!

alex said...

douche vs douche. agreed.

ringcycles said...

Geez, you mean i could be mixing bespoke boilermakers in Brooklyn & getting rich charging trustifarians $20 a pint? Why didn't I think of that!

jno62 said...

Damn, maybe Adam Carolla is right.

Jasper said...

@ db Wow, drivetrain bike porn. "Hey baby, show us yer jockey wheels."

Yeah, look at the ceramic bearings on that mutha....

Anyway, the only thing you want to add to beer to make you even drunker is cider; call it a snakebite and you're winning.

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,
Regarding the line "SRAM has picked this week to flog its new Red group", when did you abandon the treatment of corporations as plural nouns, e.g. "Cinelli have become the bicycle equivalent of a middle-aged divorcee in a Versace dress" or "Mavic may very well have found a solution to their self-destructing carbon spoke problem"? I always found the use of plural nouns for corporations on this blog jarring, although I do not believe it is in fact grammatically incorrect.

GhosTTown said...

56 comments!
That's only a TT rings worth.
Oh how I despise you white collar paid vacation types. May your Cervelos make you sterile, before you have kids but after you get the golden retriever.

Fred said...

I'm totally with that lock cutting guy. As a Fred, I use Gore RideOn Prestige Extra carbon fibre brake cables (Mercedes Benz edition). I cannot possibly ride home from the bar without the performance increase I get from these cables (according to my power meter, I can generate over 200 watts when running these).

Catsup said...

57 Comments!
That's only 57 condiments worth.
There is a Heinz on Beacon Hill.

Catsup said...

Uuuuggghh...
Derailed by an "expensive cable vs. my meager watts" joke.
Yawn.
Yeah so the funny folk are def. on vay-cay.

Fred said...

Oops, I meant crabon, of course.

And before you Fred wannabes point out that I could just loosen my cable with an allen key, I'll hasten to remind you that the Gore Prestige Rideon Excalibur Extreme (by Lancome) cable must calibrated using an artisanal torque wrench wielded by a dwarf clone of Lennard Zinn clad in a thong made from the finest ring-tailed lemur fur. And the calibration shall be 3 DFUs, no more, no less.

I dont' happen to ride around with one of those in my messenger bag and my assistant, frankly, is an idiot.

Anonymous said...

So, the much loved and always fun "sockeye bombs" don't count as a beer/cocktail.

Shit, still uncultured; I'll never rule this sophistication game of king of hill.

From my experience, us impossibly virtuous-and hard working-bike commuters tend to have our world shattered a bit by the bike lock snafus.

Perhaps, we have failed to recognize our own heart of darkness, beating deep within us, amidst darkest depths of the urban jungle.

Billy said...

So I rode for the first time in NYC... around central park on a rental with a squeaky chain and poorly aligned brakes and shifters, followed by walking down 6th back to the rental shop.

I feel like such a tourist. Even coming from Boston, I have a hard time understanding how to ride in the midtown madness. I bet, though, if I buckled up and rode in it anyway, it would be fine.

None of my NYC friends bike though, which would just make me the suicidal weirdo.

Anonymous said...

First Lucas Brunelle then Casey Neistat, is December the month of the douche? Who will be the DOTY? (douche of the year)

Anonymous said...

One time, some douche put his u-lock through my artisanal glazed donut.

But, all was well. I called my helper-monkey and had him bring me a couple sticks of dynamite.

All that was left after the explosion was a u-lock.

Chafed said...

Bay area bicycling. Plenty of doucherie and the weather is nice.

leroy said...

Mr. Allen is merely displaying whom New Yorkers of a certain age feel compelled to yell at in the absence of lawns to request younger persons to vacate.

Ramses said...

69th place wears the Trojan jersey.

Ron Jeremy said...

Trojan, suckas.

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but I have a degree in mixology (true).

A Depth Charge (a shot of whiskey dropped into a mug of beer) has been around for decades.

When used carefully, it is not a gateway drug to douchery.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Perineum areolas

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy - boilermaker Hillary Clinton style!

g-roc said...

One more nail in the coffin of the fixed gear scene - Fred's wearing a messenger bag (5:55).

bikesgonewild said...

...re: - Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) sez...

..."Perineum areolas"...jeez, talk about sag...

Bob Sacamano said...

Tell Kramer to quit talkin' shit about me....

don the cyclist said...

Yes Leroy a boilermaker has been around the working class bars for at least 50years, very possibly more.shot of whiskey in a glass of beer. Quick way to leave the factory behind and prepare to deal with the Wifey and curtain climbers .

don the cyclist said...

Yes Leroy a boilermaker has been around the working class bars for at least 50years, very possibly more.shot of whiskey in a glass of beer. Quick way to leave the factory behind and prepare to deal with the Wifey and curtain climbers .

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobby - I detect a year-end contest. CYCLING DOUCHE OF THE YEAR - and the winner is..........

I am sure several will say it is not the award that is important. It is being nominated by their peers (other douches).

cycle(in the scheme of things only a minor douche)

Anonymous said...

"Perineum areolas"
i think we planted some of those last spring. they looked purdy.

Anonymous said...

100% fine with the lock cutting. Sure, it would be easy to release the cable, but the point is that the idiot who locked his bike through this guy's needs to be more aware/considerate.

I would've waited a couple of minutes and then done the same thing. Getting your 'assistant' to bring you the tools to do it is pretty douchey though. Epitome of NYC pampered, spoiled, lack-of-perspective elitist.

Michael said...

I don't get it. That Red stuff looks the same as always. Maybe since Shimano and Campi have electric and 11 speed, to SRAM's mechanical and 10 speed they (SRAM) are using the Micro$oft trick, kill the other guy by out marketing him?

Throwaway_bicycling said...

Crap. I am sooo late to this party. But still, two observations:

1) No question that the people drinking artisanal beer cocktails are douches, and yet, people hipping to the fixie scene drinking PBR straight from the can...can also be douches. So I guess non-douche-y would be something like decent beer or wine and bourbon on the rocks. But these days it is so easy to go douche again by insisting on some obscure Belgian microbrew or bespoke Bourbon or literally thousands of varieties of wine. So confusing.

2) When I first saw that SRAM derailleur pulley I thought the word on the jockey wheel was "Astroglide" rather than "Aeroglide". which is not the same thing, unless the new SRAM stuff really does require you to use personal lubricant on your ceramic bearing sprockets. But I guess that cannot yet be ruled out.

Anonymous said...

Woody Allen. It's okay as long as it's just your STEP-daughter.

Anonymous said...

"Artisan spirits"? Those are the ghosts of dead shoemakers, right? Or do they mean artisanAL spirits, which are the ghosts of dead shoemakers come back to life and enslaved by the marketing department of the military-industrial-artisanal complex?
Panties!

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BornToKvetch said...

Just discovered this blog and it's a hoot a minute! Love to see BikeWorld skewered w/ such zeal and inhumanity! You are indeed, Sir, the enema for 2-Wheel blockage.

Anonymous said...

Woody Allen= first class dickhead

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Bike Locks said...

This sort of thing is happening everywhere, not just in New York, and the only thing worse than modern Brooklyn-style douchefication.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Anyway you cut it

oh ho ho i saw what he did there!

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