Wednesday, December 21, 2011

2011: The Year the Walls Kept Closing In

As 2011 draws to a close, it will be remembered for many things: the #Occupy movement, the death of ruthless North Apple CEO and dictator Kim Jobs-Il, and the UN resolution to enforce sanctions against Portland, OR for crimes against humility all leap to mind. However, there is one phenomenon that has come to define the year 2011 above all else. That phenomenon is minimalism.

Minimalism is a movement consisting of people who admire modern furniture and who covet Apple products, and who have deftly hidden their avarice beneath a veneer of spirituality as deftly as Kim Jobs-Il hid the workings of his products beneath pieces of brushed aluminum. Well, yesterday I mentioned The World's Douchiest Wedding, and as it happens the groom's boss and "keynote speaker" at the wedding (when you don't have friends, you get a "keynote speaker" instead of a best man) is quite an accomplished minimalist named Graham Hill. In fact, Hill even gave one of those "TEDTalks." TEDTalks basically consist of people from various fields verbally "foffing off" before a disgustingly appreciative audience, and Hill pleasured himself so sensuously during his that the "Huffington Post" included it in their "Best of TED 2011 Countdown:"

Here is the video itself, but if you're squeamish about watching men masturbate I've also included a summary below:











Hill begins his presentation while seated on a box. This box is what motivational speakers call a "prop," or a "hackneyed symbol," and presumably Hill came up with this one after watching George Clooney do his whole backpack schtick in the movie "Up in the Air:"


Hill then explains that we have lots more space now:

"Did you know that we Americans have about three times the amount of space we had 50 years ago?"

Which, for some reason, is a problem. Then, he starts in on the whole minimalist "joys of less" thing:

"I bet most of us have experienced at some point the joys of less. College, in your dorm; traveling, in a hotel room; camping, where you've got basically nothing, maybe a boat... Whatever it was for you, I bet that among other things, this gave you a little more freedom, a little more time."

Well, yeah, traveling or camping might give you "a little more freedom, a little more time," but that's because when you do those things you're on vacation. People take all kinds of vacations, but that doesn't mean we should use our vacations as a template for life. Some people's idea of a great vacation is going to Disneyworld. Does that mean we should all wear Mickey Mouse ears and adopt the Disney Dollar? That's what most of Europe did with the Euro, and it doesn't seem to be working out too well for them. As for the joys and freedoms of college, that's less about the minimalist functionality of dorm room living and more about stuff like drunken parties, four-foot bongs, and not being an adult yet. Nevertheless, the conclusion Hill draws from all of this is as follows:


Fine. Sure, life can be a bit easier if you trim the proverbial fat now and again, but this is hardly a revelation to anybody except a minimalist like Graham Hill, for whom even the basic mechanics of life are all transcendent. So did he take his incredible discovery that everybody else knew already, use it to make his life better, and proceed shut the hell up about it? No, he didn't. Instead, he started a project called "Life Edited" to "further this conversation and to find some great solutions in this area:"

So how do you "further conversations" and "find some great solutions" to the painfully obvious? By "crowdsourcing" the interior design of your crappy apartment:


"I wanted it all," explains Hill. "Home office, sit-down dinner for 10, room for guests, and all my kite-surfing gear." Ah, yes, kite-surfing, the Rollerblading of the sea.

So basically, he wanted a douchebag's dream apartment in which he could stow his goofy sporting goods and entertain his friends who also wear sport jackets with jeans and who doubtless Rollerblade on land, sea, and air. So, being the good minimalist that he is, he immediately paid way too much for almost nothing--or, as he explains it, "By buying a space that was 420 square feet instead of 600, immediately I'm saving 200 grand:"


Wow. If he saved $200,000, that works out to $1,111.11 per square foot, which in turn means the guy telling us how to make our lives better by saving money paid $466,666.66 for his tiny shitbox.

Not only that, but he also says that "because it's really designed around an 'edited' set of possessions--my favorite stuff--and really designed for me, I'm really exited to be there." Note the crazed eyes as he tries to convince himself that he actually enjoys living in a half-million dollar version of the trash compactor from "Star Wars:"

I will give Hill one thing, which is that he's a refreshing antidote to all those HGTV shows about flipping houses and getting rich with real estate. Instead, here's a guy telling you to simply spend a fortune to confine yourself in a tiny space specifically so you can go broke--or, as he calls it, "live little."

"So how can you 'live little?," asks Hill rhetorically, since anybody with any sense now sees his life as a cautionary tale. "Three main approaches." Here's the first:


What does that mean? Well, it means "That shirt, that I haven't worn in years? Time for me to let it go."

Wow, that's some ruthless editing. But getting rid of that shirt isn't enough, because "Secondly, our new mantra, 'Small is Sexy:'"

Hill may have inadvertently revealed something about his own physical attributes here. I guess minimalism is the new "overcompensating." In other words, Porches are out, tiny apartments are in. Also, "Why have a six-burner stove when you rarely use three?"

Really, this is the problem, people with too many burners? Who the hell even has a six-burner stove anyway? Is that thing Photoshopped?

But the third and final part of his brilliant scheme of self-imprisonment is by far the most cunning, and that involves having stuff that's "multifunctional:"


Or, to put it in layman's terms, having a sink that's also a toilet:

So basically, here's a man who lives in a half-million dollar home the size of a minivan and is forced to brush his teeth and defecate in the same bathroom fixture telling us how to live. This guy truly is the world's worst motivational speaker. "One day," he might as well be saying, "if you work really, really hard, you too can wash your hands in your own pee."

Also, he sleeps on his dining table:

You've probably heard the expression "Don't shit where you eat." Presumably though it's okay to sleep where you eat, and then the next morning to brush your teeth using the same fixture into which you defecate.

Most crucially though, everything folds:

Which I'm sure is a lot easier and more efficient than simply walking into another room in a larger half-million dollar home that's actually worth what you paid:


All this to have a "smaller footprint," making this lifestyle the 21st century equivalent of footbinding.

Amazingly though, after all this, Hill still has the audacity to tell us to "Consider the benefits of an edited life."

Right, let's see, as far as I can tell the benefits are:

--Spending a ton of money
--Having very little to show for it
--Having to fold your entire apartment like a paper fortune teller every time you need to take a dump

In recent years, people like this have been ruining the word "curate" by using it when they mean "edit." Now, though, they want to ruin the word "edit" too, since sometimes editing means actually adding stuff. I think the word Hill is looking for here is "mangling."

Anyway, the video is accompanied by words from the groom from The World's Douchiest Wedding, who adds this:

We launched the LifeEdited project last year because we believe the story of humankind needs a good edit.

Humankind needs a good edit, huh? They're in good company. Kim Jong-Il thought the same thing.

Oh, also, this apartment will be "the launch pad for an editing movement:"

This small apartment will be the launch pad for an editing movement. We envision a future with large-scale developments that have beautiful, compact units, communal spaces and sharing systems. These spaces are extremely energy efficient and have healthy, safe air. These developments will support people in focusing on what's important to them. We envision a world where people spend more time with one another, where possessions and time can be shared, not hoarded, where products are passed onto children, not trash collectors

Yeah, right. You couldn't launch a water rocket out of that overpriced Rubik's Cube.

The only explanation I can possibly come up with for minimalism as a philosophy is that the 1% is using their lackeys in the 10% to convince the remaining 90% that cleansing and relieving yourself in the same body of water is actually desirable, and by 2050 we'll be back to fiefdoms.

Speaking of desirable, I don't really get the whole embrocation obsession in cycling, but apparently the only thing more desirable than burning hot goo is burning hot goo that's the subject of an intellectual property dispute:



Hot and hard-to-find (we ordered ours from New Zealand), Qoleum is the subject of an intellectual-property dispute that at least one expert tester felt "added to the mystique." Testers also praised it for its scent and for being easy to apply.

Bratz dolls were also the subject of an intellectual property dispute. Why not just rub one of those on your leg?

148 comments:

Blog Drafter said...

Bake Feets!

Blog Drafter said...

2nd!

Blog Drafter said...

Sweep!

Anonymous said...

Panties!!

Blog Drafter said...

I will pause to read.

Blog Drafter said...

I will pause to read.

Anonymous said...

Bratz panties!

Blog Drafter said...

Whoops!

Anonymous said...

Top 10 panties!

Cortelyou Anquetil said...

EPIC COMMITMENT!

& Fuck Rapha, Prospect Park Mountain Bikers "Trail" Riders and Powerhouse Arena

Anonymous said...

ZOOTS

Anonymous said...

Zenth!

Anonymous said...

Snob -

That's a 5 burner stove. I could care less about the way you wear sunglasses with your helmet or whether or not it's OK to draft off of someone you know or not, but please get your burner count right.

Anonymous said...

Dude, we get it already--you hate minimalists, plus they're so easy to make fun of, almost as easy as Newt Gingrich. Talk about bikes!

Chamois Sniffer said...

I vote for this gentleman to do a TED talk.
http://youtu.be/cseQmAqGJb4
http://youtu.be/ch2_MDiZvm0

Anonymous said...

Top 20 or whatever

Anonymous said...

I started reading the column but then performed a minimalist edit and jumped to the comments section.

crosspalms said...

How can I make money off my lifestyle? By telling as many people as possible how much better my lifestyle is than theirs, both for me and for the planet. And charging them for it. I'll move on to religion as soon as I figure out how to get away with setting heretics on fire. Thanks for skewering that guy.

crosspalms said...

57 minimalists walk into a bar. Bartender asks them what they'll have. "Nothing for me," they all say to one another, "I'll just have a sip of yours."

theEel said...

WeED.

Anonymous said...

oiii!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

When I adopt minimalism and move into a folding apartment I guess I'll have to sell my other bikes and just get a Brompton.

Anonymous said...

If you don't mind having a roommate, simple living sounds suspiciously like a term in prison. Simple clothes, simple food, simple space.

Anonymous said...

Why do minimalists think we need more colons and right parentheses?

Snata I mean Satan I mean oh you get the idea said...

Merry Douchemas!

Mcfly said...

MOREDOODYSINKSORIMAFUCKINKILLYA

Anonymous said...

Hey wise guy I suggest you stick to what you know about riding a big dummy around NYC.
Graham Hill

Anonymous said...

So 40 square meters...what's so minimalistic about that?

Mcfly said...

I have a nice telescopic bong for sale that would really compliment his convoluted lifestyle

Blog Drafter said...

Hmm, seems a bike blog of any kind is half way down the minimalist road.

Anonymous said...

does this apt make my dick look big?

eeewwww said...

You've probably heard the expression "Don't shit while you eat."

I believe it's "don't shit *where* you eat," but I also think Graham has enraged/brainwashed you so extensively by this point in the TED that you subconsciously typed that believing eating *while* shitting was actually correct because it would be one hell of an epic act of multifunctionality.

000panther said...

Nothing about bikes today? I am sad!

xyxax said...

I think shitting while you eat suggests an admirably successful editing of the digestive process, a status symbol for the committed minimalist.

Anonymous said...

I live in a tiny apartment, and don't have a car.

I am not a minimalist. I am poor.

SHTS WACK

Anonymous said...

I was into painting the town red without wearing panties.

Where does the edit movement leave a girl? Should i take on one less man member? Should I procure a dildo bong to multifunction? Should I bot myself out and stop smiling and walking?
Girls simply cannot have the edit lifestyle.
This is simply male manipulation.
I have a penis and you don't mentality.
No creepy edit men for me.

Sophia S

BikeSnobNYC said...

eeewwww,

That was indeed a weird subconscious typo on my part, and there may be something to your theory.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

jno62 said...

This guy should take over for Kim Ill Jong. He's got the whole messiah thing down.

Welcome to Amehurca dude.

Anonymous said...

Why don't any of these minimalists have any kids? Is that part of editing their lifestyle? If you do have a kid, do they only get 57 things too?

Anonymous said...

That's not Graham Hill, he doesn't have a splendid 'tache....

hey nonny mouse

Shiteater said...

What?

Buffalo Bill said...

My crabon fibre Mickey Mouse ears are pretty light, but I'm looking to upgrade to the aero version.

Anonymous said...

....interesting ramifications
....multiple points of entry and body embro
....reminds me of a Mazola party in a little shack in the woods
....one wood always leads to another and then you find yourself in the petting zoo watching monkeys

crosspalms said...

WWNR

What Would Newt Ride?

Anonymous said...

Dear Sophia S

No worries girl.
I am looking for someone to help co-edit my jizz.

Main-taintness Mike

shu-sin said...

"--Dream? strive to do, and agonize to do,
And fail in doing. I could count twenty such
On twice your fingers, and not leave this town,
Who strive—you don't know how the others strive
To paint a little thing like that you smeared
Carelessly passing with your robes afloat,--
Yet do much less, so much less, Someone says,
(I know his name, no matter)--so much less!
Well, less is more, Lucrezia: I am judged."

Anonymous said...

Hargwarsh!

Anonymous said...

What's so funny about that?

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Awesome post WRM. Eff all the damn minimalists and their minimal contribution to the real world.

petrus said...

TOP L!!!!!

Jim Moore said...

Don't a lot of New Yorkers live in apartments anyway? If so then this guy is just showing how to do it more efficiently. BTW I don't think he's saying you have to live like this all your life. And it's don't shit *where* you eat. *While* you eat would mean you've got some human caterpillar thing going on with the food chain. So no basin near the toilet makes most fully-equipped bathrooms a bad thing in Snob's view?

I think this post could have used some serious editing, like about 95% of it. But nobody's perfect and it has been a most enjoyable year reading BikeSnobNYC and watching the English language grow by 2-3 new words with every post.

petrus said...

Today is my Friday. Where the eff is my effing quiz? Minimalist quiz unacceptable.

- fredly.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wednesday weed edit.

shu-sin said...

about a century ago, Mies Van der Rohe said, "less is more" (i'm sure he got it from someone else, too)... but he meant that you actually had to design less. now there's a turd who over-designs his half-mil apt for probably another half mil... i guess he didn't know that Mies also said that God is in the details.

reading this post aggravated me... and no mention of bikes... yayks... oh, well, at least it's Wednesday!!!

Anonymous said...

Too bad Graham's mother wasn't a minimalist and edited him...one more knucklehead telling us how smart he is and that he knows whats best for us.

Ciao Pinarello

THX 1138 said...

The future is here in the form of Utopian Douchebaggery.

Anonymous said...

Graham Hill should go back to fluffing.

Anonymous said...

'my job here is to get everyone's wood hard'

Random fluffer

Anonymous said...

This was the worst blog I have wasted my minimal time upon. Where is the bike, its all about the bike

Etherhuffer said...

I used to think minimalism was totally cool until I found out that there used to be these small things called 'efficiency apartments' that were designed oh, about 100 years ago. Murphy bed, built in shelves, Pullman stove.........

Anonymous said...

Here, rub this on your leg.


balls.

Anonymous said...

Here, rub this on your leg.


balls.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In Hill and Friedlander's futuristic douchitopia I suppose we'll have to share flowerboxes too.

Anonymous said...

According to Lance, "It's not About the Bike."

http://www.flickr.com/photos/georgeupstairs/ said...

It's at times like this that young people such as yourself show your age. The only Graham Hill I have heard of is the sadly missed mustachioed moter car pilot

and TED is a type of compression hosiery.

Wait a minute said...

It's Wednesday, and a post with no bikes about a douche with an apartment that's 420 sq feet and who is clearly higher than hippie on a helicopter ride?

Despite this apparent connection between minimalism and weed, I'm not buying into any of this until that douche is schlepping around and living in one sole possession, that stage prop shitbox. He could eat on it, shit in it, cram all his Apple and kite surfing comicalness in it, then just fold that fucker up, embrocate with mystique-filled Qrub, and edit it straight up his ruthlessly small ass.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Inspired by the minimalists, I sold the G8, the horse farm in Kentucky and the ski house in Aspen. I then took the green paper rectangles I received in exchange and stuffed them into a cardboard box exactly like the one Graham Hill sits on in the photo.

I use it as a chair or ottoman, and have never been happier.

BTW, Jackie Brabham tells me that that picture or Graham Hill has been crudely photoshopped.

OBA said...

I tried embrocation for the first time this year and liked it the experience, but for a "junk miler" like myself, it's got limited use -- I can see it having value for races, brevets and centuries, but unless you shave your legs, it's more trouble than it's worth.

grog said...

Let's discuss minimalist cycle-wear. Instantly we think of Recumbabe.

Teddy Bare said...

The 'bro' in embrocation gives it a queer innuendo.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

brazed and confused said...

WCRM, WE LOVE BIKES!!!
Skewering douchery is o.k, though.
Still, WE LOVE BIKES!!!

Anonymous said...

Yesterday´s was just as bad.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, i'm with nonny mouse n' wishiwasmerckx...

...the 'real' graham hill was an english f1 & sports racing car driver with an awesome 'stache...

...he's dead now but this clown in the video couldn't have held his jock...

ken e. said...

went looking for "weed specialist" from pay it all back volume 5, but got volume 2, lee scratch perry's "train to doomsville".

MINA WEED
MJOR DOPE

crosspalms said...

ken e

glad to see Perry's campaign finally has a theme song

Anonymous said...

I'm detecting a bit of "Edith Bunker Syndrome" in the story telling of late.
But for the overwhelming smugness I would have bailed on the douchebag wedding part II.

Anonymous said...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=287660717946624&set=a.123170584395639.14702.108674992511865&type=1&theater

bikesgonewild said...

...a quick perusal of today's post left me with a desire for split pea soup...

...dunno why...

Anonymous said...

One of the funniest posts in awhile! Making fun of privileged white kids patting themselves on the back for doing mundane things just never gets old.

Mcfly said...

MINI CRIB

Buy-cycle said...

'Kim Jobs-Il'. I need new pants. Rubber dinghy rapids, Top 81?

Philip Williamson said...

That made me laugh harder than any BikeSnob post in a long time. Just relentless.
+1 on anon. 1:42's comment.

4fuxake said...

If there won't be bikes in it, could we please at least get a gratuitous recumbabe (un-edited version) in the post?

Thank you.

CHappy Channukah

Look what I found said...

TRUE STORY: My mom has a Yorkie she has to give special medicine to or he will eat his own doodoo. If you really think about it isn't a Yorkie eating his own doodoo over and over again the XANADU of minimalism? His breath stinks.

D00000000000D said...

ZOOTEN!
House do be small.

Noice said...

WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeDofWedNESday.

Criminey!!!!!!! said...

What's with a the complainy commenters these days.
Oh not enough bikes. You didn't talk about bikes. I liked your blog better when you talk bikes.

Stay on the BikePortland page you quEEfz.

Tuff Gong said...

Any comments section of a blog that has a Lee Scratch Perry reference is, to be blunt, rock steady.

'nuff respect to ken e.

Graham Hill said...

anusipple!

Matt said...

Personally, I curate a minimalist embrocation. I don't use product, I just like to rub my legs.

bikesgonewild said...

...this g hill clown, 57 things guy, 'best made company' & their ilk are all part of a 'pull the wool over your eyes' movement...

...it's people who have no REAL recognizable skills other than a simple grasp of (false) advertising & self promotion or they realize their skills won't go very far unless they, like everyone else, work their asses off, so they've devised a plan to live off 'the fat of the land'...

...they're blessed by having 'the 'meh' generation' with it's ennui & lack of self worth to ply their limited skills on...

...they are the complete antithesis of the 'occupy movement', which, despite it's oft times seedy appearance is actually trying to achieve something decent for society as a whole...

Bikewritercat said...

In support of minimalism, I read the first word of each sentence in this essay and assumed the rest of the words made sense.

Anonymous said...

I was once in jail in Pittsburgh and the cell was absolutely as minimalist as the one described in the TED talk. In fact, the sink + toilet was one single construction, just as described, and the sink also had a feature where you could hold your finger over the faucet and it became a fountain. It was really a wonderful, minimalist design. Perhaps the 1% might get more good ideas if we threw some of them in jail.

Anonymous said...

BikesGoneWild Nailed it!

"...it's people who have no REAL recognizable skills other than a simple grasp of (false) advertising & self promotion"

My Grand Father was a tool and die maker that made better knives than that Brooklyn dude. He just did it because a) he could, b) they were better than what he could buy, c) he was thrifty and felt recycling dull files into knives was a nice way to not waste good steel. He didn't promote himself relentlessly because he wasn't from the douchiest generation.

Jasper said...

Nice to see more than one person knows about the old school 'real' Graham Hill. Classy.

"We envision a world where people spend more time with one another, where possessions and time can be shared, not hoarded, where products are passed onto children, not trash collectors" - sounds like a commune to me. Does that count as minimalism?

Anonymous said...

This is wonderful news! I live in a 400 square foot, $1400 a month apt, and here I thought I was just one of 8 million New Yorkers. My phone keeps ringing, and I keep thinking it's Nat'l Grid bugging me about my gas bill, when in fact it's the TED Conference offering me $$$ to yammer about "editing." Yipee!

Bill Strickland said...

I knew rubbing myself with that Bratz doll at Editor's Choice last year was a mistake.

Anonymous said...

The guys sneakers scream douch. Do you think he'd share them too??

It's all about the folding bike,,

bikesgonewild said...

...THAT, mr strickland, brings all kinds of questions into play...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Graham Hill? What an effing gay-tennis shoe wearing idiot and douche-bag! and an imposter, sponging off the street cred of the real Graham Hill, 2 time Formula One champ and complete non-douchebag.

Dogs be barkin!!!!!!!!!! said...

101 dalmations!

leroy said...

Well now I'm confused.

Didn't the noted motivational speaker Christopher Farley debunk the virtues of living minimalisticly in one's van down by the river?

Anonymous said...

"cleansing and relieving yourself in the same body of water is actually desirable"

There are people campaigning for office who believe this is true, so they will dismantle the EPA.

(true for us... THEY will wash themselves in bottled water and relieve themselves into the water the rest of us use)

Anonymous said...

I can't help but think a lot of this is due to the cost of "living large" in NYC. It always makes sense to have what you need and will use. Simple as that. Some day you WILL leave it all. But better IS better. A box is not always the best thing to sit on! We all must consider how we distribute our resources.

Someone should ask Mr. Minimalism why he is wearing a watch. I stopped years ago...always have a phone, so I always know the time!

And "camping, where you've got basically nothing, maybe a boat..." What an idiot. You don't "camp" with a boat, per se. Has this guy in fact ever camped FOR REAL?

This is fetishising simple concepts. As you get older, and see your grandparents give away tons of stuff and then eventually pass away, you will figure it out. Hopefully before then. Most people stop accumulating at about age 50...

Anonymous said...

I rail against 5000 square foot houses and those that occupy them constantly. Small is good, simple is better, and you don't need 6 bleedin burners to cook a meal on.

Having said that I lived in a 325 sq foot apartment in Manhattan, there's >small< and then there's ridiculous. (that's what she said)

I have a garage and in it I have 5 bicycles and a car. I could live without 2 of them if I wanted to commute on the cyclocrossing bicycle when it rains. What I really would like to get rid of is the lawnmower.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Buck, buck, b'ckaawk...... feets.





And + 1 on all the anti douchy-minimalist Graham Hill and pro Formula 1 champion Graham Hill comments.


And especially +1 on BGW 4:13.

Billy Gruff said...

Lawnmowers are so bourgeois. Get a goat.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Think of how much simpler that sink/toilet combo unit would be if we all just drank our pee-pee. Barring infection or SDT, it is sterile, you know. Can't say whether it tastes redolent of black truffles (or asparagus, for that matter).

The minimilast toilet comports with the signs so proudly displayed at yesterday's wedding:

If it's yellow, let it mellow;
if it's brown, flush it down.

JDH said...

I thank God every day that I don't feel the need to edit my lifestyle.

Anonymous said...

now what does that guy have to do with that couple from pdx? his house fits in their bike room?

Im gonna take the chain of my bike for the sake of "less is more" hell I quit riding it months ago...



mr.pissta listening to ZOUNDS

red neckerson said...

shit me and ricky been sharing a trailer for years and we cant buy stuff exept beer and we gots one of them cool towers made of beer cans because we recicle

Jonah Gibson said...

Editing is the modern secular equivalent of opiating the masses.

Smokin' Joe said...

The Taliban and I are quite good friends. They're just like us, you know, expect they stone gays and beat the shit out of their women if they flash a bit of ankle.

Anonymous said...

I bought myself a nice 400 square foot mini-home in Portland. (http://southeastportland.katu.com/news/business/developer-bets-people-will-buy-tiny-micro-homes/439818)

I found, though that I really didn't have enough room for any overnight visitors, so I wound up buying another one.

So far I've no complaints from my guests about my stay free mini-pad.

Dooth said...

Whatever the Snob wants to write is fine with me!

Yeehaw!

Woo Hoo!

Lay-oh-pard!

Simon Templar said...

I'm liking this Dooth character.

Vegas said...

"Mow"? "Lawn"? I curate my grass with scissors (the single-speed of cutting)(fixie straight razor is so 2009). I'm totally at one with the blades, it's like so zen, and I can smell the urmommi from down here, too.

Plus they're the same scissors I use to cut my sandwich with the artisanal mayo, the stolen copper wire for my 21 bike shed remodel, my hilpster beard, and the construction paper in my $35 Mooomah artsy craftisan project. I'm totally maximizing my minimalizm.

David Henderson said...

"Sure, you’d heard people say, “Don’t shit where you eat,” but that never made sense because the way you saw it, every good restaurant has an excellent restroom. And besides, wasn’t combining two things you like to make a third thing you love the kind of good idea that brought us chocolate milk?" - Merril Markoe

JDH said...

Whoa Vegas! You are my idol.

crosspalms said...

I've mowed lawns for fun, for money, and because I had to, but when we bought a house with little front and back yards we planted ivy in front, vegetables in back and so long Mr. Mower. Weeding, however, is slower than mowing, but at least it's quieter and uses less gas. Plus it's good for your back until it's bad for your back.

JDH said...

BGW @4:13. Good call. He and his ilk minimize their belongings, but only to maximize their image. And if wearing $200 jeans and $100 canvas sneakers is minimal, well...

crosspalms said...

Vegas,
When I was a kid, we once rented a house whose back yard was up to my knees (II was about 10) with grass. My mom cut it with scissors. Looking back, I wonder why none of us thought to say "I bet the neighbors have a mower we could borrow." Maybe we were just pre-minimalists and didn't know it.

don the cyclist said...

i just puked where i defecate,so now i have more room in my stomach. does that make me a minimalist? i hope not.must drink more.

Anonymous said...

...wearing my granny panties are divine...

...just sayin

Anonymous said...

i was in full on holiday mode and the thought of giving was huge, but with your post the action of editing was even bigger.

i edited my pubic hair and dingle berries and god dammit i feel liberated.

thank you snob for help me see the light!

Anonymous said...

I do know Graham Hill and you are all way off on your comments.

eeewwww just wash your hands dumb hippy.
Anon 2:15 he never said anything about his penis size.
...BGW eats corn chowder every day so no lunch swap meets.

Smellvin said...

Graham HIll, Casey Neistat, Lucus Brunelle - The Three Douches of Christmas.

Anonymous said...

anon @947 -

"So far I've no complaints from my guests about my stay free mini-pad."

Brilliant. I raise my cup to you.

Ben Levy said...

"Humankind needs a good edit, huh? They're in good company. Kim Jong-Il thought the same thing."

Thank-You snobby once again for your amusing enlightening rational insights.

A-meh.

Anonymous said...

Dang! Snob, a masterful edit of the life of a "minimalist".

And those fixtures where the sink is built into the toilet? That is found in PRISON. And you share the TV with 40 other guys! And you have the simplicity of having the TV channel chosen for you!

What could be more minimal? So here is what the minimalists are preparing us for: the mass round up of bikers into PRISONS furnished with sinks-cum-toilets! Forced to watch TV instead of biking we will all be minimally happy.

alex said...

like others have said, no bikes? a little glassy eyed.

self indulgent lecturers like Graham Hill are easy targets, especially when he sends out a design contest to redesign is OWN abode. i do think he has a point, though, about Americans accumulating too much stuff...just go to any suburban home in the US and, almost regardless of income, there's stuff lying everywhere. how much of it is actually used?

no, we shouldn't all live in 400 sq ft boxes (though for those who do, he gives them some novel ideas on how to redesign them). but like he said, maybe downsizing from 4000 to 2000 square ft would be a good change.

and please, go back to talking about bikes.

Jasper said...

Wow, who let the earnest person in?

CommieCanuck said...

Seems the best way to get the Graham hill experience is to get convicted. Plus, free sodomy. Beat that, TED.

JB said...

Free gomorrahy, too!

YouKnowIt said...

Next day Panties!

WaitinOnNewContent said...

This better be good......and full of bikes. I can't comprehend a bike blog without bike talks.

No Bonus This Year said...

Ramen delight.

Anonymous said...

I love rich guys who lecture folks on less when they have so much money!

Anonymous said...

bsnyc Killing it!

Rollerblading of the sea
Backpack schtick
Trash compactor from Star Wars
Wash your hands in pee

Goldgoldgold pure snob!

Anonymous said...

i wonder how many people shit in the sink mistaking it for the toilet?

Johann Rissik said...

TED man has his head so far up hi arse it won't matter where he shits.
WTF is TED up to? Scraping the very bottom of the barrel?

Rex H said...

Upon mentioning the sink/toilet combo, that apartment started sounding like its poor cousin, the prison cell.

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OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

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Fixie Bikes said...

I like those green images.

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