Monday, December 12, 2011

Overzealous: Gotta Have Faith

This past Friday, I mentioned Bicycling magazine's interview with thrill-seeking IT specialist (and self-hating Fred) Lucas Brunelle. Like many cyclists, I find that Brunelle's antics cause me considerable consternation. Therefore, in search of lighter and less provocative reading, over the weekend I picked up a copy of my second-favorite magazine after Bicycling to peruse during my next bathroom visit:

Unfortunately though it would seem that even the world of bourgeois homemaking has fallen prey to the "making stuff dangerous for no reason" phenomenon, for in the magazine was an interview with some guy who participates in dangerous outlaw landscaping contests called "gardengophers" and films them for mass consumption:


From the interview, I was surprised to learn that "garden culture" is surprisingly similar to "bike culture:"

You grew up in an affluent Cape Cod beach town. How did you become the poster boy for gonzo gardening?

I resented my privileged upbringing, so I played hooky with my push reel lawnmower. One of my first riding mowers was a classic John Deere. My friends and I used to mow neighbors' lawns with the choke all the way closed and the grass bag removed. Sometimes we'd break into Walter Cronkite's garden and prune the topiary. I got my lawn care license when I was 16 and transformed our house into a stop on the annual Cape Cod gardening tour. In college I worked as a landscaper and became obsessed with outlaw gardening. You can't replicate the thrill of implementing unsanctioned landscaping projects in a public park, or of rototilling an uncleared Bosnian minefield, even by lowering your "pants yabbies" into a Venus Flytrap.

Your new movie, Brucas Lunelle: Load of Dung, offers up hair-raising gardening footage from Beijing, Boston, Dublin, New York, and Tokyo. What's the craziest stunt you've pulled?

In Miami, we cleared two acres of Bill Baggs State Park with chainsaws and replaced the trees with native groundcover, garden gnomes, and deadly booby traps like the kinds made by the Vietcong. The palms were crashing down all around us. When you're landscaping like that, the endorphins create this heightened sense of awareness. You notice the sound of a middle-aged Jewish woman slathering on sunscreen or a manatee farting.

Do you garden like that even when you're watering your plants?

Yes. Every hoe I have is as sharp as a whip, so you always double down on the good foot.

Last year you spent $80,000 of your own money filming gardengophers. Why?

Almost daily, I get e-mail from people who tell me I've inspired them to garden more. And they're taking senseless risks in their own gardens. One person has cancer; now she's using her savings to buy rare orchids and cigarettes instead of on treatment. Another was in a relationship with someone she didn't love; she murdered him with a Felco 6" folding saw, dismembered him, and buried his remains in her herb garden. For a lot of people, "No, you can't" is a motto. I'm saying, "Hey, you can live life on your own accord, just as long as you're independently wealthy and a giant asshole."

Are you ever scared, gardening like this?

I'm always scared—even if I'm mulching my flower bed I'm scared. You never know—the Lord has your number, and you really have no control over whether or not you step on one of those leftover Bosnian landmines you buried in it the night before and it blows you to smithereens.

Do you own a riding lawnmower?

I still have the John Deere. Fuck the environment. It's the sharp tools, combustibles and insecticides that make gardening fun. Without them, we couldn't cut off our fingers or develop respiratory disorders. For my next project I'm recreating the gardens of Versailles out of poisonous plants on a highway median strip in New Jersey and fertilizing it with my own feces. I love motor vehicle exhaust and irritants. It's an evil river, sure, but I love the scent of my own excrement.

Outrageous! Lunelle should be ashamed of himself--and so should Martha Stewart for that matter. I miss the bygone days of the wholesome Martha Stewart who used to give advice for making Christmas ornaments out of toilet paper rolls, and who used to spend an hour and a half on Great Head:

I also miss more genteel gardening advocates like Bavid Dyrne:

(Bavid Dyrne doesn't own a riding lawnmower.)

Any resemblance between David Byrne and Bavid Dyrne is entirely coincidental--apart from the fact that they're both unbearably smug, and they both think people from the midwest* are idiots.

*("Midwest" in this context is anyplace that lies in between the Hudson and Los Angeles Rivers, as well as the entire Long Island land mass excluding portions of Brooklyn and the Hamptons.)

Speaking of offensive behavior, a number of people have forwarded me this image of a bicycle employing a lobster as a fender filth prophylactic:

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I worship a deity to whom I refer as The Great Lobster on High. Like most religious converts, I am extremely zealous (as opposed to being mildly zealous, which technically isn't possible, though if it were I suppose you'd call it "meh-lous"), and my revelation came to me when I was at a particularly low point in my life. My addiction to non-alcoholic beverages was ruining my relationships and my career, and I was having a business power lunch at a fancy seafood restaurant when I hit rock bottom. We were supposed to be closing a multi-million dollar deal that would make me rich beyond my wildest dreams, but instead I was on my 16th Shirley Temple, singing songs from "Grease II" and dancing around with a bunch of paper umbrellas in my hair and a maraschino cherry up each nostril. Just then, a particularly succulent lobster in the live lobster tank swam up above the water line, leaned jauntily on the edge of the tank, and spoke the three words that changed my life. "Get it together, douchebag," he said while pointing at me with a rubber-banded claw, and then he simply vanished.

I never did close that business deal, but I did stop drinking Shirley Temples and now limit myself entirely to alcohol. And while I may no longer be a member of the wealthiest 1%, I'd much rather be a member of that other 1%--the people who worship the Great Lobster on High, and who are going to The Awesome Place when we die while the rest of you suckers burn in hell.

All of this is to say that I find the aforementioned bicycle disgusting, and as such am putting the Lobsterite equivalent of a fatwa on the owner. If you see this bicycle, accost the rider and demand that he or she "fatone" for his or her evil behavior immediately. Of course, it's also possible that this bicycle is a sign that the Lob-pocalypse is nigh, and that the lobster is actually The Great Lobster on High cryogenically frozen and ready to be thawed for the final Meh-coning, but this sign is also supposed to be preceded by a cat giving birth to a lobster with three claws followed by the appearance of an NJS track bike with dual disc brakes and a suspension fork, so pending those signs the "fatone" is still on.

Speaking of religion and fixed-gear cycling, the two lifestyles actually have a lot in common. In particular, they involve following lots of rules that don't really make much sense, and few people are able to engage in either unless there are other people around to watch. Consider, for example, this Craigslist post which was forwarded to me by a reader:


Phil Wood front hub NEW - $100 (East nashville )
Date: 2011-12-08, 9:52PM CST
Reply to: [deleted]

This is a brand new hub I never laced it. I moved here from NYC and there's a lack of a fixed gear scene here so there no need for me to make a new wheel so I'm selling it. Brand new if you have any questions call, text 917-XXX-XXXX or email me!



So not only is it impossible to coast on a fixed-gear bicycle, but it's also entirely impossible to ride one at all unless there's a "scene" around to watch you do it. Stranger still is the fact that this is a front hub, which means he could use it on any type of bike, fixed or otherwise. For, as it is written, "But when you build a wheel, do not let your front hub know what your rear hub is doing, so that your coasting may be in secret."

A-meh.

By the way, Nashville may just have made the top of my "dream city" list. No fixed-gear scene and less than 300 miles to Dollywood?!? I may have to move.

113 comments:

dcdouglas said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

pode!

Anonymous said...

Podium

spokefolk said...

Numero 4

spokefolk said...

Numero 4

Kenny said...

I SLIT THE SHEET, THE SHEET I SLIT, AND ON THE SLITTED SHEET I SIT!

Anonymous said...

no bad for a monday

cycle

Kenny Banya said...

Top ten and read it, suckas

theEel said...

topteneel!

Anonymous said...

Top X

Anonymous said...

snob that was some funny shit.

Terre Haute Karl said...

That was brilliant! I would totally pay to see a gonzo gardening movie.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Garden safe all! (with all due respect to Leroy).

streepo said...

scranus

streepo said...

nipples

Mcfly said...

LOBSTER FENDERS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!

Mcfly said...

(My seat is too level)

Johnsun said...

I fix gear go up hill all time fast like rocket with no brakes! More of us adventure thrills and defy the fear!

streepo said...

As a frequent visitor to Acadia National Park, I enjoy Great Head as well.

Anonymous said...

So your hell is where you can buy a new fixie for under $100 (It's got over 4.5 stars!).

As your kid ages, I guarantee you that The Awesome Place will become your new hell.

grog said...

In Lob We Trust.

Edward Scissorhands said...

I knew Bucas back in the day. I apologize for my OG behavior like breaking into Bavid Dyrne's garden and trimming his topiary bike racks with other gophers.

BTW any wussies that still dis my name in the US cannot trim a tree with any speed. Who needs a lawnmower when you have shears like mine. I keep 'em sharp and live on the edge. That's the way I roll.
Sincerely, Edward

Sell yer own shit Sherlock said...

Fuck work!!!!!!!
I'm not thurrrrrrrrrrr.

Fucken paychex telling me what to do.

Ima laugh bunches said...

YEah you stick to douchnelle AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

we do have a small fixed gear scene here in nashvile, but it is kept in check because we also have "hills"

Mason said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Buy-cycle said...

Top tirty? I was scolded by a man on horse last weekend. So I have learnt my lesson, never creep up on a mounted stead, instead take the Brunelle approach a tear past him while shouting profanities.

Mason said...

http://christcycles.weebly.com/faq.html

Yep, Christian's and Fixed gear culture DO have a lot in common, reserve your pre-blessed bicycle today.

Anonymous said...

I was scolded by a horseback rider once for being on the same planet. I learned they are nasty people.

cycle

Crustaceanist Mehlot said...

I know that I'm going to The Awesome Place - what about you?

crosspalms said...

dibbles

Anonymous said...

The "lobster bike" has a flat tire. Pneumatic Justice!!

Anonymous said...

@Mason
Thanks for choosing to link to the FreaqueSntly Asked page. The extra S is for jeSus.

Paul Bowen said...

Bloody funny. This: "just as long as you're independently wealthy and a giant asshole" made me wheeze like Mayweather hit my solar plexus.

I'd love to go to Dollywood.

JB said...

It is very irresponsible to tell your readers to physically assault the guy with the lobster fender. I will never read this weblog henceforth.

glad im not merckx cuz now hes an old fat guy said...

Panties!

Dolly Parton said...

scranusBIGnipples!

mikeweb said...

I can attest that Dollywood if the best two tourist attractions in all of Tennessee.

Summer of George said...

Isn't a middle-aged Jewish woman and a manatee the same thing?

Anonymous said...

Garden panties!
Combustible insecticide panties!

Dave Wyman said...

Mmmm - I love a good lobster tale!

Carl said...

I love the scent of my own excrement.

Paul Bowen said...

Those Christ Cycles guys seem nice enough but they actually call themselves The Family...

Anonymous said...

Dufus wiil have to come up with a better reason to sell a hub than "no scene":
http://musiccityfixed.blogspot.com/

Blog Drafter said...

Ah-meh! Thank you for sharing your Genesis story finally. You may have done this before but since beginning to read your blog I've been scuttling before Lob 24/7 and haven't had time to look in the "Olden Posts". Also, its good to know where the "Awesome Place' is. Awesome. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Lobster panties!

I am a curious engine said...

Outlaw gardening, sitting on the razors edge.

I wonder where you come up with these ideas?

Do you have some internal demons that cause such mirth?

You would hope Lucas has seen the error of his ways and repent to the lobster god.

mikeweb said...

Maybe that NYC to Nashville transplant didn't recognize the fixie 'scene' as such since it wasn't full of self entitled slacker douchebags. My guess is that Nashville is pretty low on the list of places that trust fund kids want to go to spend Mummy and Daddy's money.

The Ayatollah Bianchi said...

What the fatwa?

Anonymous said...

The Lord my LOB is an au jus God.

KyleFlannigan said...

You will love this. Bike Crash Portraits. It's an artist's nod to urban/messenger culture.

"This look is a mix of vulnerability, hurt, fear but also curiosity, fascination and sometimes even pride.

Never self pity.

The images are silent and somewhat introspective."



http://www.mediamatic.net/page/142481/en

Anonymous said...

I will let you be the judge of this: http://bostonbiker.org/2011/11/28/bicycle-zoetrope/

Jasper said...

@Anonymous said...

we do have a small fixed gear scene here in nashvile, but it is kept in check because we also have "hills"

That would explain why I've never seen a fixed gear in San Francisco...

@ Anonymous said...

I was scolded by a horseback rider once for being on the same planet. I learned they are nasty people.

I found a certain irony in nearly getting taken off the road by someone in a Range Rover that had a sign on the back saying "I brake for horses". She didn't appreciate my forceful expression of that when I caught her at the next lights though.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I LOL'D

Anonymous said...

what they don't teach basic math at suny albany?

1. get
2. it
3. to
4. get
5. her
6. douche
7. bag

Anonymous said...

Top 100?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! This read was the most fun I've had since being invited to the epic Portland drum circle that I heard about on these very pages last week. I don't know what the big kerfuffle was about last week. The Butlers were gracious hosts.

I've also found that by merely digesting these pages while on my daily commute, I can enlarge my own personal space bubble while portaging my fixie on Max (can't handle the stench of urine while crossing the Steel Bridge anymore).

Thank lob it's Monday!

Anonymous said...

Martha Stewart, Wal-Mart, DollyWood...I'm going to barf!

Well, I'm bored anyway said...

Praise Lob and His prophet Snob:

I've often wondered why BSNYC doesn't cash in and start selling "LOB is Great" jerseys and kit like Fatty sells his stuff. I realized after reading today's post that doing so successfully would eventually force BSNYC to comment on his own "douchiness", which would lead to much "introspecting" and self-doubt. These are terrible qualities for a Prophet to acquire and it's probably in Lob's long term "storiness" that His Prophet not be hobbled by such feelings.

Wise is Lob and his prophet Snob.

Anonymous said...

that outlaw gardening thing makes me think that you got your hands on excellent weed

Terre Haute Karl said...

@Carl I read your post "I love the scent of my own excrement." and for some reason it reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where one of them remarked that when they are in the airport they "like to stop at the duty free shop" which caused the rest of them to start chanting "I like to stop at the duty free shop, I like to stop at the duty free shop..." Since I read your post I can't get "I love the scent of my own excrement, I love the scent of my own excrement..." out of my head

Bobby said...

Sounds like the self-proclaimed "gardener" is suffering long-term organophosphate exposure. Meh. Hey, the mad skillZ almost sliding under a passing car was interesting, wasn't it?

Max Brown said...

"The Scene is Clean". I can't ride my fixie.

Etherhuffer said...

Stealth Hot-Karling the bushes. Eww.....

bikesgonewild said...

...extracted from "garden culture magazine"...

...i used to do some gardening work at the stewart residence, where i happened to befriend alexis stewart...well, one thing led to another...

...so there i was, one day, getting some pretty damn 'good head' out in the gazebo, from alexis when her mom, MARTHA STEWART (tm) walks in...

..."...no, no, no, alexis...stroke AND suck...i've told you before, stroke AND suck...that's it, now work him, baby, work him !!!...he's a man & he loves that stuff a bit rough...okay, squeeze the tip & lick it like a lollypop...good girl, now, use a finger & trace little circles around his asshole...

..."oh, alexis...do i have to show you how to do EVERYTHING ???...if you're gonna suck, dick, girl, you gotta commit to sucking dick...here, let me help you...

..."now, put his balls in your mouth & keep that tongue moving while you keep an eye on how mommy does this...i'm gonna work this cock like a fucking rock star 'cuz that's how MARTHA STEWART (tm) does things..."
...

...well, needless to say, without getting into any salacious details, i got the whole 'MARTHA STEWART LIVING (tm)' experience that day...

...anyway, i've gotta go now...martha just called...said something about "...trimming her prized bush for the holidays..."...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Actually the lobster looks like a fairly effective filth prophylactic. Besides crustations all have that mud vein running up the middle anyways.

mikeweb said...

This past Saturday I partook of the Mighty Lob. Not this one though.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh Fuck,that lobster Fender RULES.
Wait, isn't this a double sin?

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:

That guy's going to H-E double hockey sticks.

mikeweb said...

I think bgw got this comments section mixed up with the user submissions e-mail address to Penthouse Forum again...






Thank Lob.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...just as long as you don't think it's me writing that garbage...

...i just happened to find it when i 'googled' martha stewart...

...funny thing, the internetweb...

JB said...

More like Martha Stewart Loving...

Martha S said...

Good head is a good thing.

Lanterne Rouge said...

"without getting into any salacious details"

Good Stuff! :)

Rabbi Makim Ben-Dover said...

Eben, I have talked to you and talked to you about this traif lobster mishegas. Oy, enough already.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Lobster panties!

http://www.cafepress.com/+political_correctnes_run_amuc_classic_thong,337468581

Ben Levy said...

Religion and fixed-gear cycling.The two lifestyles actually have a lot in common. In particular, they involve following lots of rules that don't really make much sense, and few people are able to engage in either unless there are other people around to watch.

Hail the great lobster on high. A-MEH brother Snobby,A-MEH.

g-roc said...

Ooh, that Brucas guy makes me so angry! It's douchebags like him that give (mostly) law-abiding gardeners like us, a bad name. Thanks to him, I may hang up my hoe for good.

-sonofabitchiquit-

bikesgonewild said...

...g-roc...remember, ya get what ya pay for with a good ho...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

g-roc & bgw --

ho ho ho! All you want for Christmas ...

excellent googling on Martha S., bgw. How to do it right!

Anonymous said...

New rule:
if it rains, get some good head

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

lob is his copilot.

ce said...

sharp as a whip, double down on the good foot

ce said...

Snob's got Dolly wood.

RedStarCycles said...

even though we share so much it's funny how there are minor language differences between Australia and the US. For instance today I learned that what you sub-Canadian Americans call a 'dare devil' we call a 'fuckwit'

Anonymous said...

Hi

Tks very much for post:

I like it and hope that you continue posting.

Let me show other source that may be good for community.

Source: Sales engineer interview questions

Best rgs
David

thebikedork's wife with #6 Felcos said...

... thanks WRM for pointing out the similarity of bike and gardener culture. One commonality I have noticed is the guerilla aspect present in many cyclists which is also in gardeners. And also the presence of gnomes.

In any case, this passion for lawlessness could be harnessed to help the environment and create new business opportunities. Experienced garden guerillas can roll up large bunches of seed bomb balls for insomniac cyclists whose mission is nightly ride-by dirt lot attacks. These bombings slowly transform the lots into beautiful gardens which increases property values in the neighborhood. Homeowners and realtors will pay for this service! These bombing runs are disguised as "midnite rides".

As a landscaper I know what I am talking about.
We can do this!

Sarah W. said...

Hey! I read your blog in Nashville, East Nashville to be exact. I loved your book!

samiam said...

37206 Represent

Nashville Biking Rules

Spence said...

What happened then?

Spence said...

Nashville is too hilly for a fixed gear scene. A lot of good live music clubs there.

leroy said...

Yeesh BGW, impressionable dogs read this blog.

It's a good thing Martha Stewart doesn't schlep around Great Neck.

crosspalms said...

bikedorks's wife,

I like it.

SEED BOMB

crosspalms said...

Leroy,

I think I've seen Martha near the Speed Hump in my neighborhood, though. Sad, really.

Mark said...

Jeez Snob, in the name of Lob, stop being such a pussy. The infidel deserves the everlasting pinch, get me?

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry, leroy, but any creature that has the ability to lick it's own balls & also sniffs butts as a way of introduction can't be overtly affected & certainly not offended by martha's sexual proclivities...

...btw...i'm not referring to a 'naked yoga' instructor...

Anonymous said...

The Nashville bike scene also produced that forked squirrel from awhile back. Maybe he just doesn't wanna damage the Phil front encountering kamikaze rodentia on the Shelby Bottoms greenway.
-37206

bikesgonewild said...

...redstarcycles...excellent disclosure...

Izzy Mandelbaum said...

So you think you(?)...are better than me? That's it, it's GO TIME.

Izzy Mandelbaum said...

MY BACK!!!!!!!

Izzy Mandelbaum's Son said...

Awwww Pop...

Anonymous said...

Oh yes! A Nashville shoutout!

Nashville does have some good mountain biking and nice places to ride. But it's much too plastic and car-culture for you, snob. You would be bored in a week. Although, it's very cosmopolitan-wannabe and is clean and a super pleasant place to raise a family.

But if you want actual music culture, you gotta either head east to the real hillbillies or west to Memphis. Nashville is just a recording/production center for the most part.

Anonymous said...

hokey stick
hi-e polo mallets


mr.pissta lantern rouge

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ez-TLSpbZc&feature=player_embedded#!

Rudy Gonzalez said...

http://artasamurderweapon.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

A-Meh!

Fern said...

As an East Nashvillian, we do have a hipster scene. There are enough of them to accomodate a half keg of PBR at any local "underground" race (but most of them will prefer Yazoo down here). The d-bag who posted that ad is most likely trying show how smug he is since he came from a (big city).

David Henley said...

What Fern said.

Glad you like Nashville Bike Snob.

David Henley said...

What Fern said.

Glad you like Nashville Bike Snob.

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OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

http://www.xtraorbit.com/1366.html

Fixie Bikes said...

That guy laughing at the bike looks awesome, or yao ming.

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