Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Golden Verse: Haiku You

Speed.

Grace.

Souplesse.

Umami-esque.

These are just a few of the nouns adverbs words that describe the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing Retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret, whose near-ubiquity has transformed him from merely a man into a legend. And not a "legend" like this guy thinks his penis is:

But a real, genuine, bonerfied legend:

In fact, in a lot of ways, Bret is like Jesus. It doesn't matter whether or not you worship him. Indeed, it doesn't matter whether or not you believe he ever even existed. Regardless, his image is everywhere, and his myth continues to shape the course of human history. Also, Jesus has been known to appear in tortillas, while Bret occasionally pops up on Canadian bread:

(All You Haters Taste My Pumpernickel)

And the similarities don't end there. For example, different cultures depict Jesus differently. Some people render him like this:

(Europeans tend to depict Jesus as a hot chick with a beard.)

While others portray him like this:

(Jesus hanging a picture of an aging Chris Rock.)

And still others depict him like this:

The point is, Jesus is a reflection of who we are, and so is Bret. Some cultures portray Bret in the traditional yellow t-shirt motif, while others like to use the miracle of Computers to dress him in more modern roadie vestments, as in this rendering that was forwarded to me by a reader:


Speaking of The Jesus, the word "zounds" is an old-timey curse word that means "God's wounds," and a number of people pointed out that the mystery bottle I mentioned yesterday:

Actually powers something called an "Airzound:"

And here is dramatic video from some country where they drive on the wrong side of the road, in which the mighty blast emanating from an Airzound actually causes a motorist to extract his or her head out of his or her own ass:



Maybe I'm just self-conscious, but I don't think I could use an Airzound. I do, however, occasionally use a more sustainable high-decibel warning system that I carry with me at all times. It consists of two high-volume air canisters:
Vibrating cords that look like an alien's vagina:


And a sort of "mouthpiece" that allows me to form these sounds into recognizable words:

In the event an obstacle enters your path, you can engage this system to loudly broadcast any message you like, from a friendly, "Hey, watch where you're going" to a bracing "Cocksucker!" The mouthpiece is also customizable so you can match it to your bike, and popular accessories include "sulky teen:"


"Hipster:"

And, of course, "Bret Disciple:"


But when it comes to street safety, the New York City Department of Transportation is forgoing deafening blasts and shouted invectives in favor of a more subtle subtle method of which Jesus himself might even have approved. That's right, the same people who brought you the "Don't Be A Jerk" campaign are finally harnessing the gentle, soothing power of haiku poetry:

Apparently, the DOT is putting "eye-catching designs" accompanied by haiku in "high-crash locations," and you can see this one as well as the others here:


A sudden car door,
Cyclist’s story rewritten.
Fractured narrative

Well, in lieu of law enforcement that actually protects the more vulnerable road users I suppose some irreverent verse that makes light of "dooring" will have to do, though frankly I think the haiku form is a little pretentious and that they should have "kept it real" with some limericks instead:

There once were some hipsters on fixies,
Who wore vintage shirts from the Pixies.
Through red lights they would fly,
'Til they clipped the wrong guy,
And he punched all of them in the dicksies.

Of course, the DOT realizes that people don't want their tax dollars funding haiku, so they're making sure you know the project is actually funded by DWI fine money:

To me, this is just as bad, if not worse. Basically, what they're saying is that they got this drunk driver money windfall, and of all the things they could have done with it they went and paid somebody to make some stupid art. Frankly, I think they should have used the money to buy all the victims of the recent NYPD bike crackdown gold-plated bicycles instead--like this one forwarded to me by a reader:


GOLD PLATED BICYCLE - CONDOR - $1200 (WISCONSIN)
Date: 2011-11-21, 7:56AM CST
Reply to: [deleted]

FAMOUS ANNIVERSARY GOLD CONDOR BIKE FRAME.

ALL REAL GOLD PLATED.

THE ONLY GOLD PLATED BIKE EVER MADE.IF YOU HAVE SEEN ANOTHER, PLEASE SEND ME A PHOTO.

$1,200.

HAND SILVER BRAZED, FANCY NERVEX LUG WORK, GOLD CONDOR HEAD BADGE, REYNOLDS 531 TUBING, CAMPY DROPOUTS AND FORK.

SERIOUS BIKE "COLLECTORS" ONLY.

SCAMMERS DON'T EVEN BOTHER.


"The only gold plated bike ever made?" Like, seriously? What a total "noob!" First of all, every bike dork knows about that gold-plated bike Colnago gave to the Pope:

The stuff of which Fredly dreams are made, I'm sure this celebrated bike is sitting up the attic at the Vatican as I type this, along with all those holy relics and Nazi gold and first edition Batman comic books and whatever other treasures they've been sitting on for the past millennium.

Also, who could forget that gold-plated and crystal-encrusted fixie some company was trying to sell back in the gilded age of the fixed-gear trend?

It was a bargain at just €80,000. However, being what the crabonmongers now call a "halo bike," they also offered a cheaper non-gold "value" model for men with "Jew-fros" and Ken doll genitals:

(2009, when fixies still meant something.)

Those were the days.

112 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium?!

Anonymous said...

podium

streepo said...

Hermie the Elf wants to get a Serotta.

Anonymous said...

podium

cycle

petrus said...

Numero uno!! despues de los primeros tres, porsupuesto.

Bees blood.

Anonymous said...

maybe not

cycle

Jasper said...

Early doors (no, not the band)

Blog Drafter said...

Top Ten!

Anonymous said...

Hutch bmx made a gol bike for Woody Itson in the 80's.

Anonymous said...

Gold bikes give me the horn.

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bloody 'L said...

I was waiting for a nasty moment of retribution at the end of the video, and am glad it didn't happen.
Fond of a good lungful of salty curses at such moments myself - perhaps I should limit myself to the oldies but goodies like 'zounds' and 'strewth'

alex said...

haikus are pretentious.

Anonymous said...

That bike is worth more than my life.

Zach Galifianakis said...

More limericks or Ima punch you in the Chixie Dicks

Kenny said...

I ALMOST FORGOT THAT TODAY, A BILL MAY BECOME A LAW!!

McFly said...

Epstein is pretty ripped considering he has a mangina...

Anonymous said...

HIKU PM
SNBY GLD
MN THS BLG
NVR GTS OLD!!!

theEel said...

WeED.

Anonymous said...

boycott rapha

Buffalo Bill said...

I'm still working on expanding my repertoire of shouted invectives. For some reason, "Hang up and drive!" sounds so much more encouraging when it is followed with a cheery "Douchenozzle" or "Cocksnoggler" but I am open to further suggestions.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Haiku consists of
just 17 syllables
split 5 7 5

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul Bowen said...

...and who could forget the Golden Brompton with pool ball topped stick shift?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/green-living-blog/2010/sep/08/gold-plated-brompton

Buy-cycle said...

Wednesday weedings. Top 26?

Anonymous said...

Dave Mirra rode a gold plated bike in the X-gaymes.

http://bmxmuseum.com/forums/viewtopic.php?id=300371

BTW, I'm pretty sure the bald LEGEND dooder in the kilt posts on that website. Vintage BMX collectors are a strange breed in the already odd pool that are bicycle enthusiasts.

Anonymous said...

http://www.wooljersey.com/gallery/v/Wayne-Bingham/Raleigh-Superbe/IMG_0079.jpg.html?g2_GALLERYSID=e82355f00247364e55e28fd3b2e30fb2

Billy said...

Funny you should mention AirZound and God in the same post, because that old-timey curseword "zounds" is a British English (aka Cockney, because everyone in the UK speaks Cockney) shortening of "God's wounds".

Billy said...

Top 30! Not bad for a Cat 6 commenter like me.

Etherhuffer said...

The air horn is great! My friend uses one and it gets the needed attention. Little brass dingy bells just tell people to spread out and slow down in front of you or slowly use the crosswalk.

Anonymous said...

Bret is like Jesus
Mmm Stormtrooper chick, yes please
Zounds! That horn is loud

Anonymous said...

There once was a tri-dork named Fred,
Who'd run lights even if red,
t'was an ubiquitous fellow in a t-shirt of yellow,
till an Audi rendered him dead.

wle said...

"(2009, when fixies still meant
something.)"

isn;t that mel shacher, bassist for Grand Funk Railroad?

wle

Mehjor Taylor said...

If that bike is actually gold plated, then I'm Bret

crosspalms said...

I don't think I could use an AirZound either, but last night I had to use my lung-powered honkerator on some pedestrians who started crossing too soon as I went through an intersection. They backed up when they heard my panicky "WHOA," but even so I dinged one of them with my mirror. I think my reflexes would be too slow for an AirZound, but they work well enough to get a WHOA out.

Anonymous said...

Alien vagina? Let's not upset Frilly's delicate sensibilities, now.

Did anybody else start to chub up at the sight of the female stormtrooper?

Anonymous said...

Only gold bike in the world?

LOWR IDER

http://www.bbc.co.uk/birmingham/content/images/2005/10/20/farah_lowrider_470x353.jpg

Downtown Hotel said...

Gold plated Lambert from the early 70's is what I want. Everything else is just derivative.

But since they probably never made any in the 63cm frame size, I'll probably just take one of those gold-flakey gel pens to my regular red & white Lambert.

Eurodude said...

On monday, the cunnilingus book.
Today, the alien vagina.

Mr Snob,
You seem to have made quite an encounter this holiday.
Or you are taking the term "bikeporn" to new levels. Please develop.

7pm here, wednesday weed indeed.

grog said...

Bret is like Jesus
Blended yellow cheeses
All hailed
Four nailed
Airzound aint no sneezes

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Pretentious not me
A poet yes I may be
And didn't know it

Anonymous said...

Old news. I had my Ken doll genitals gold-plated back in 2009.



balls.

Kabuki said...

You, sir, insulted
my country and my culture
ignorance not you

Anonymous said...

Production is down
Reading the Bike Snob at work
going home early

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"hang up and drive"?

I always go with:

"WATCH THE FUCK OUT ASSHOLE, OR I'M GONNA CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!...



.....cocksnoggler"

Anonymous said...

POPE BIKE

Anonymous said...

some days i find my .357 to be more effective than my airzound

mikeweb said...

I was thinking of geting an AirZound also, but then I thought about it and realized that there's already enough New Yorkers who think we're all assholes.

That and i've already been riding into and around Manhattan for 15 years now with hardly any incidents, so why risk having to go to the emergency room to have one of those things removed from my 'nether region'.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, combine that hot Jesus and that alien vagina and you've got a good reason to skip your next ride.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

apparently that bike is equipped with both front and rear cameras.

so while I am certainly glad no one got hurt, I can't help but have at least a few douchechills

Anonymous said...

it's not a jew-fro, it's an isro

Martin Erzinger said...

Did the anonymous BMW hater girl from yesterday make anybody else chub up?

Meh-ku said...

I drive a Prius
Beemers are far too noisy
Bike seeking missle

CommieCanuck said...

JEWF ROGH

CommieCanuck said...

Didn't Auric Goldfinger ride a recumbent in that old James Bond film?

CommieCanuck said...

I actually own an Airzound. It's a way at a certain point in your life to achieve recognition from society, without resorting to gay S&M leather wear and a Harley.

Mad Jack McMad said...

An upwardly-mobile young schemer
Who spent too much cash on his beemer
Made a dickish right-hook
With nary a look
And caused me to fracture my femur

Also:

SAN FRANCISCO COCK-SUCKER!

douche-ku said...

a prius I am
you will not smell me coming
silent but deadly

skink said...

that stormtrooper chick
is so fucken beautiful
her force be with me

Anonymous said...

brooks had haiku and limerick contests on their blog a while back.

Mad Jack McMad said...

A Media Agency douche
Drove an Audi in manner aloof
He knocked me into the street
While composing a tweet
So later I shat on his roof

Marcel Da Chump said...

So, Bike Snob thinks Haikus pretentious
an attitude I find contentious
it's his opinion and I respect it
in fact, I rather expect it
from a blogger who's humor's so precious.

Marcel Da Chump said...

yeah I know: Whose.
just try writing in a bar with a Manchester United match
on the tube.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I remember when John-Paul II came to Hull in Quebec in 1984, the local frame builders Cycle Bertrand gave him a bike too.
And of course it was gold plated!

I remember, I was so envious of the pope. Lucky bastard.

crosspalms said...

Well, it could be

Twas the 18th of April in 75,
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year
Because some asshole was texting at the wheel.

or

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary
blah blah blah
quoth the raven:
"WATCH THE FUCK OUT ASSHOLE, OR I'M GONNA CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!..."

Anonymous said...

well, some of it was gold plated... the brakes, headset, hubs, etc.

Anonymous said...

Marcel Da Chump:

What's your avatar? Nice!

Anonymous said...

The Audi, the scourge of Manhattan,
shiny, with a ride like soft satin,
The driver announced,
to the streets as he pounced,
"Think of the bikes I can flatten"

I am amused engine said...

"Didn't Auric Goldfinger ride a recumbent in that old James Bond film?"

I would have paid more attention of OddJob had been riding a fixie,

Anonymous said...

What in the name of fuckall is the goddamn pope gunna do with all of those gold bikes?

frilly said...

Anon 1:00--Absolutely Alien Vagina is upsetting to me.

Is she paying into social security, will her children get to go to college free, is she utilizing resources she has no right to?

Very upsetting indeed!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

wishiwasmerckx said...

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lac LeBarge
When that stupid fixie rider spit on the hood of my Fucking BMW -- what an asshole!

Anonymous said...

An Audi with exquisite paint,
Its driver far from a saint,
He stepped on the gas,
and too close did he pass,
So I kicked him right in the taint

wle said...

i lied
not mel shacher

don brewer
http://www.united-mutations.com/b/donbrewer.jpg

wle

Anonymous said...

She appeared like a sexy young cat,
In heels and a big floppy hat,
Before I said Howdy,
Along came an Audi,
Crushing the young trollip flat

Anonymous said...

The douchebag when shopping for cars,
picked Audi, the choice of the stars,
"It's not for the status,"
He said as he rammed us,
"But to give you some wonderful scars!"

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Stormtrooper chick is nice-looking and all, but my heart belongs to the Uberhood gal.

wishiwasmerckx said...

There once was a rich prince from Saudi

Who drove a little red Audi.

He hit bikes with impunity;

he held diplomatic immunity.

He sure showed those cyclists, boy howdy.

Anonymous said...

A yuppie with ethics quite shoddy,
engaged in a dastardly hobby,
thinking ill of the type,
that commute on a bike,
He'd crumple them under his Audi

Anonymous said...

A trust-funded artist named Roddy,
worked an oeuvre decidedly gaudy,
with his car as his canvas,
he'd crush and he'd cram us
till it were a Jackson-y Pollock-y Audi

(Yes, I am king of hit and run Audi limericks)

gsport george said...

When BMX's were crap, but making big money... Hutch actually did a small run of these I think..

http://bmxmuseum.com/bikes/hutch/25685

Cheap, light, strong, pick two... or.. gold plate a Hutch Trickstar and have none of them...

Anonymous said...

So this drunk walks into a bar in Philly and tries to order a Frillycheesecake...

LK said...

Don't you mean "bonerfred"?

There, I feel much better.

Anonymous said...

mr.pissta broomwagon ?again

ZOunds was a great band on the Small Wonder label,later Rough Trade..they wrote some great poetry..
1,2,3 go ,Ive got an ego,
won't let me go what am I gonna do?
Abcd paranoia is killing me Im dying on my aching feet what a way to go...
Steve Lake the vocalist has been touring as of late and when saw him in august it made me feel like I was 15 again IN a very good way in any case the music of
Zounds the band are much more lasting than the air zounds I have which sits in a drawer filled with locks and chains with missing or broken keys and cross street directories of cities far away..Maybe it gets to travel but it rarely gets used at home....

lantern rouge?

Anonymous said...

is there not a bike in the smithsonian made around the turn of the century for Lillian Russel that has Decorative gold leaves adorning the frame...its capped with ivory grips that have a band of diamonds.a band of rubies ,and a band of saphires going around each grip... I think that all other "jewelery bikes" are in some way or another derivative of this bike...
It was one of the coolest things in DC make sure you see it if you are there..

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 6:08,
it's a painting by the late Icelandic-American artist
LOUISA MATTHIASDOTTÍR.

JDH said...

The ex-wife was a stormtrooper, but did not do the uniform justice.

leroy said...

OMG
BS NYC
Poetry
"Tres Classy"
Sez my doggie
Et moi aussi

Anonymous said...

Thanks Marcel Da Chump!

I will check her work.

Anon 6:08

Jasper said...

Not enough Clerihews for my liking

P. Stable said...

Now that I think about it, the silhouette cyclist on the logo of Bicycle Touring Pro looks suspiciously Bret-like. I've never understood why a touring cyclist has tri-bars and no luggage...

Anonymous said...

where are the free titty shots?

ce said...

roses are red

violets are blue

fuck poetry

blah blah meh

JB said...

gsport george: If I'm not mistaken, that bmx museum submisson/page is from Woody Itson himself.

JB said...

Anony said: "Hey, I remember when John-Paul II came to Hull in Quebec in 1984, the local frame builders Cycle Bertrand gave him a bike too.
And of course it was gold plated!

I remember, I was so envious of the pope. Lucky bastard."


That's one nonplussed Pope John Paul II.

Wildcat, consider putting that photo in the archives.

Catholic School Boy said...

The Vatican has an awesome collection of bikes...
WTF?!!!

The Vegan Cyclist said...

Official Controversy Lifecycle.
I am in stage 1.

My are are raised and I'm shouting "How is the NYC Bike Snob not #1 on this pathetic list?!?!"

THE TOP 10 BIKING BLOGS
The best sites for expert race commentary, gear reviews, and bike porn

10. Rapha Blog
9. Bike Snob NYC (Tie)
9. Boulder Report (Tie)
8. Vital MTB
7. The Inner Ring
6. BikeHacks
5. Fat Cyclist
4. Bangable Dudes in Pro Cycling
3. Rouleur Magazine Blog
2. Adventure Journal
1. Red Kite Prayer

This is a debacle. A fraud.
I am now moving into stage 2.

http://ow.ly/7Lc0J

Thanks,
Steve Cinch
www.thevegancyclist.com


(Sorry not sure if the first now went through)

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

100

Anonymous said...

With all due respect to my Catholic fellow commentators, why is the Pope giving himself a Wet Willie in JB's 9:44 a.m. post?

JD, do you have any Purple Nurple Pope pictures?

JB said...

I don't know what the wet willie is all about, but it seems the nuns nearby are in on it.

CommieCanuck said...

Jb said...
That's one nonplussed Pope John Paul II.

Well, to be fair, he was hoping for young boy.

crosspalms said...

So that's what they mean by papal encyclical

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Fixie Bikes said...

That's the hottest storm trooper ever