Monday, November 7, 2011

Been There Bombed That: Zoobombs Away!

Oscar Wilde famously said, "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." This is a stupid saying. What about having the tip of your nose crushed in a vice while a Bichon licks the underside of your feet and a loudspeaker blares "Tuts My Barreh?" That's a whole lot worse than either scenario.

Nevertheless, as the Monty Python skit proves, it's very easy to apply Wilde's template to pretty much any subject and sound like you're making sense. For example, I am of the belief that there is only one thing in the world worse than being trendy, and that is not being trendy. In other words, adopting a style, belief, or activity simply because it's fashionable is contemptible, but turning against something you admire or believe in simply because others are now discovering it is deplorable.

I know this because I am one of those deplorable people. Take cyclocross for instance. Not too long ago I couldn't get enough of it, but now that it's the discipline du jour I find myself saying "Ugh, enough already!" as I turn up my nose and pedal away on my artisanal Danish milkman's bike--at least until everyone discovers that and I have to find something even more obscure. Even "Bicycling" is getting into the act, and over the weekend they published this cyclocross guide for total "noobs" by some has-been bike blogger:

WHAT-ever. Bike Snob? Cyclocross?!? What is this, 2007? I don't have time to read this stuff, I'll just go back to painting myself into an increasingly confining corner of cool, thankyouverymuch. And if anyone's interested in my artisanal Danish milkman's bike, it's now for sale. I heard it got mentioned on some bike blog and I no longer want it.

Speaking of stuff that's like so last week/month/year, on Friday I mentioned that the young people are moving to the Portland, and in the comments on the aforelinked article I recently noticed that a commenter has commented the following comment:

April says:

NOVEMBER 4, 2011 AT 2:16 PM

People moving to Portland is super-old news. Seriously? You’re just now writing about it? Also, we do not have jobs. We don’t. Which is part of why the mass migration to Portland has slowed down a lot.


This is good to know, and this joblessness would go a long way towards explaining why people in Portland have so much time to attend facial hair "curation" workshops and to engage in practices such as "Zoobombing." In fact, Zoobombing has become so popular that even the BBC is reporting on the phenomenon:

In this hard-hitting report, a reporter presumably travels all the way from the United Kingdom to Portland, Oregon in order to interview a man in a crooked hat about riding bicycles down a hill:

(Two grown men maintain more-or-less straight faces as they pretend something of cultural significance is happening.)

He also visits the "Zoobomb pile," which I've personally visited and which may be the most depressing and potentially tetanus-inducing landmark in North America. In fact, as they film it you can actually see an older man warning his wife away from it:

("Honey, don't touch, it's filthy" is the phrase most commonly uttered by visitors to Portland.)

And here he is reporting as the Zoobombers prepare the bikes, as though they're rebel freedom fighters in the mountains loading their weapons before a guerilla assault and not white "adults" in varying stages of denial and arrested development:

But we shouldn't be too hard on the Zoobombers. First of all, according to the report, they are "self-policing" as far as safety goes, which would explain why they always wear their helmets while riding public transportation:


Also, it's not like they take this whole thing too seriously or anything:

Incidentally, the rider above also has a $750 titanium mini golf putter and spends two months a year training at altitude for tetherball.

Here, Patricia Krenwinkel and Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme talk about the joys of Zoobombing, life on Spahn Ranch, and the enormous charisma of their misunderstood leader:

And then everybody rides down a hill:

However, the BBC crew is not waiting for them at the bottom of the hill, because they're already off to cover another equally important story, such as a lost cat or a man who's been eating the same thing for lunch for 46 years.

In any case, between cyclocross and Zoobombing and the increasing popularity of Danish milkman bike culture it would appear it's no longer possible to do anything "original" on a bike, which is why I'm just giving up bikes entirely and getting into the artisanal hand-curated cutlery scene, as forwarded by a reader:



If nothing else, this video proves that, in America, an academic degree has very little to do with education. Instead, it serves mainly to saddle you with crushing debt so that you can finally discover that you have an aptitude for manual labor. Given this, it's no wonder most of us have no idea what the hell we're doing in life or what we're good at until we're at least 40. Unfortunately by that time, we've also become grossly over-educated, so while we may finally have honed our latent skills, we're also inclined to make and distribute these sorts of videos.

This might also explain why so many people also marry later in life now, although it could also have to do with our increasingly poor sense of romantic timing. For example, it may seem obvious, but people generally aren't feeling amorous after they've been doored:


Girl on Bike (hit by car, door) - m4w - 36 (52nd Street)
Date: 2011-11-04, 9:31PM EDT
Reply to:

Very pretty blonde took a dive but got up like a champ and then went your way w bruises. I insisted you exchange numbers with the vehicular non-lookin passenger but shouldve offered mine as well.

Hope you had a better enjoyable night all intact.


However, none of this provides any insight as to why the current fashion appears to be wearing a helmet and two hats:


helmet and 2 hats - m4w (Financial District)
Date: 2011-11-05, 4:47AM EDT
Reply to:

You were with your bike on the sidewalk near J & R music.

We talked about your helmet and hats.

Talked about where I was from.

You said you liked me.


Two sheds I've heard of, but two hats is a new one to me.

122 comments:

Ed said...

First

me said...

Yeehaw!!!!!!!

th said...

Winnar!

theEel said...

weed

Ed said...

Not always ready for that on a Monday mroning

Jasper said...

Early doors

agentdetroit said...

top ten, bitches!

Anonymous said...

lxy

Spokey said...

Topper 10

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BELL BECOMES A PAW!

Jasper said...

Danish milkman's bike? Far too obvious. You need one of these:

http://www.final-touch-cars.co.uk/photos2.php

Even has its own Uberhood (babe not supplied).

works_for_food said...

This bill won't become a law!

Where's my artisanal carbon steel knife?

Anonymous said...

if artisnal knife is a fixed gear
when will I be able to get a hand made food processer the geared equivelent..

Anonymous said...

the max tunnel under the pdx zoo is the raddest place in the world. I love the cold draft as it approaching.

leroy said...

Note to self: warn guy in the remounting photo in the Bicycling Cyclocross article not to challenge Hansel to a walk off.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Manson family zoobomb.

Douchee' LaDouche' said...

All that dosh on epo, the clear and steroids and I can't even make podium.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see Peta Todd do a rendition of Tuts mah Barreh.

At least the knife appears to actually manufacture his own product, rather than artisanally decorate an axe made by another company.

Steely Jeff said...

Hey Nineteen!!!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see Peta Todd do a rendition of Tuts mah Barreh.

At least the knife GUY appears to actually manufacture his own product, rather than artisanally decorate an axe made by another company.

-sorry for the double post, but I don't think anon posters can edit after the fact.

Peta Bred said...

PETATUESDAY or IMAFUCKINKILLYA

works_for_dutch_sounding_bikes said...

The hand made food processor of choice is called a mortar and pestle.

Best Made and Ritte van BicycleWagon will procure them from China very soon.

In 2011, only a certified, trained Ritte mortar and pestle operator is allowed to use the device for fear of having the appearance of doing any actual work.

All the appearance of artisanal procurement and pretentious American all in one!

mikeweb said...

I have a large bench mounted clamp at home called a vise.

My vice? Well, that's none of your damn business!

Terre Haute Karl said...

11 pages??? That's not a guide, that's a novel.

Haberdasher said...

2 hats? Here is your explanation right here chief.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8u2VwrvJhhw

Buy-cycle said...

The artisanal hand-curated cutlery scene is soooo yesterday! Top 30?

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

You probably did not make it up, but the bon mots "lapped faster than a groom at a bachelor party", will find a comfortable home in my daily lexicon.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Rap-erdasher said...

2 hats bitches, fuck your one hat, I got more stitches.

leroy said...

Will no one point out that two sheds are better than one?

Or does everyone just have better self control than me?

Anonymous said...

Squeaky and Patricia give that knife a thumbs up.

Helter Skelter baby!

Butts My Barreh said...

WildCat, I am surprised you didn't work in a reference to Bard today!

Anonymous said...

Sweet fancy Moses! I hate slide shows! I know it's not Snob's fault. Bicycling is trying to generate more page views and ad impressions. It has become a common practice, but it feels like click fraud to me.

Anonymous said...

30th -ish. What's wrong w/ my clock?

leroy said...

Who says cyclists are trated poorly?

Whenever My dog and I wear our helmets on public transportation, folks can't seem to move away fast enough to offer us their seats.

Folks are even nicer if you cover the helmet with tin foil and discuss government conspiracies.

leroy said...

My dog wishes to point out that he is "trated" better than me because he can spell.

Frankly, I think he's just showing off.

Chris said...

Ok. So dude in the video wrote one manuscript, couldn't get it published and then quit? This is clearly what happens when parents lie to their kids and them a lit. degree is a good idea.

Also, a guy with tin snips and a series of sanders does not a knife maker create. You're just doing what thousands of others in Europe and Asia are doing. Way be an individual.

mikeweb said...

Nice remount, WCRM.

And moustache bars.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Charlie Didrickson said...

I sold my Danish milkman's bike and now ride a Swedish mail carrier's bike.

I set the pace.

grog said...

Dear Bikesnob Twomonkey NYC,
I've been looking for a Danish postman's bike for some time. Sorry you are no help at all thankyouverymuch.

Stig said...

So the BBC has money to spend on this crap, but no money for Top Gear.

POWE RRRR

grog said...

Yikes Charlie!

crosspalms said...

I just ate the Swedish postman's Danish by mistake. I tried to apologize but he keeps yelling something about my ruining his 46-year lunch streak (I think -- my Swedish isn't very good, although his Danish was terrific). Not a great start to the week.

Buffalo Bill said...

Cyclocross is ok, but all the hecklers around here are just too darn polite.

Anonymous said...

finding out at 40 that you have an aptitude to make things with your hands is a thousand times better than remaining idle with your english lit degree.

i understand that making videos about what you do with your hands (foffin off not-withstanding), is egotistical, but i do admire anyone who is keeping a craft alive that might otherwise fade away.

and it's true that in less developed places in the world, people can make knives out of tin cans... but we are in canada's soggy apron... we would get sued if we did that.

give artisans a break and attack wall street.

Anonymous said...

I sold my Danish milkman's bike and now ride a Swedish milkmaid instead.

balls

hillbilly said...

Commenting on this blog is over.

Anonymous said...

That's 'cos Top Gear's pish these days. And Clarkson's a fud.

hey nonny mouse

dont_touch_the_sauce said...

One word for my knife making brother: JIGS

I know they don't teach you basic industrial production while you are getting your English degree, but you were supposed to pick up critical thinking along the way.

The next wave in artisanal bike production: hand rolled high-carbon steel built by just laying the tubes on the table and fillet brazing with your eyes closed. Maybe non-alignment is the new artisanal feature?

4fuxake said...

I had my nose caught in a vice for a while, but that was back in the '80s.

(mikeweb beat me to it...)

Anonymous said...

Portland's late to the kid's bike thing.

In Oakland,CA people were taking the drive trains off of kids bikes and bombing Claremont and Tunnel Roads twenty years ago.

Anonymous said...

2 hats? Where'd you get that? "hats" implies at least 5 of them.

saucier said...

Anonymous at 1:25

We're supposed to celebrate this guy for doing something the hardest way one can possibly imagine?

Get some knife blanks made and spend the time selling more knives. Industrialization is such a buzz kill.

The really stupid thing tacked onto the end of your post has to go. You are claiming if you don't embrace this guy's methods, then you are part of eeevil Wall Street.

8th grade boy said...

Squeaky (Patricia?) also said "kind of feels like a dream...going down."

teeheehee

Knife Snob said...

If it isn't 114 layers of hammer-forged damascus steel heated by an artisanal charcoal burning, force fed by foot operated bellows furnace don't waste my time.

pavel m. said...

Zoobombing, really? SF residents have been hurtling down windy hills on big wheels for years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9_Fark7Mq8

Suck it, Portland.

Userer said...

Anon 1:25:

I think it far better to use your hands to play with money: lending it, multiplying it, having it copulate and reproduce. The joys the joys!

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:01- I remember some BMX mag coverage of that, back when freestyle was winding down and the industry was trying to invent F1 and force it on us-

http://thenewcaferacersociety.blogspot.com/2008/07/bmx-gpv-bikes.html

Anonymous said...

leroy @12:24 -- Tinfoil is so passe --

http://www.stopabductions.com/

yogisurf said...

Love the Manson reference. She does look like Squeeky!

Alan said...

So what's the Woooo-hooo! speed of a zoobomber?

Dude Somewhere said...

http://dutchcargobike.com.au/2010/10/dutch-cargo-bike-exclusive-distributor-for-harry-versus-larry-bullitt-bikes/bullit-cargo-bike-milk-plus-box/

Ben Levy said...

Great article in bicycling. Good stuff from you as usual.

JB said...

@ Alan:
The zoobombing woo-hoo speed (ZWHS) has been calculated to be teh speed at which a zoobomber can balance without using his/her feet.

Jasper said...

Hey Nonny Mouse, I agree with you about Jeremy Clarkson - at least I think I do. How would you define 'fud'?

Joe Monk Wolf said...

Failed writer turns knife maker?
Wasn't that a Kubrick horror film?

Anonymous said...

Two Cheddar

Anonymous Coward said...

The "made by hand" video features a guy "sharpening his knives" -- it's a euphemism orgy I tell you!

Anonymous said...

Swedish postman's Danish...

Is that like a Hot Carl? Or, is it more like a Rusty Trombone? Cleveland Steamer?

Anyone?



balls.
(it's really me this time, that wasn't me at 1:33)

leroy said...

Anon 3:12 --

Thanks for the link.

My dog enjoyed the Stop Alien Abduction website.

He says the Thought Screen Helmet is the ne plus ultra in artisanally curated headwear.

It's going to the top of his Festivus wish list.

I don't have the heart to remind him folks exchange grievances not presents on Festivus.

Vegas said...

Yeah, the CX article was funny funny, but the 11 part, 11 pop-up format is super annoying.

Anonymous said...

Doooooooooood
You had to use Myersons X-Fire for the magazine didn't you.

Ear stretch cross king talks aboot himself nonstops.

Brrrrrraaaaaaaaa like a squeeling EuroX

Charlie Didrickson said...

Actually, I'm thinking of trading in the Swedish mail carrier's bike for a Mexican knife sharpening bike.

Rob said...

make another richard gere joke

ashcroftchops said...

ZOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOMB! Might just try that on my Brompton folding bicycle in an idylic English village. Then satisfy myself with a cream cake and a refreshing "cup of tea"..... Tally Ho!

Anonymous said...

Hi Jasper,

fud = fanny (UK, not US)

...but a bit more Glaswegian...

(...oh, ya fud!....)

hey nonny mouse

thomask said...

BBC? two hats?

you must know the boosh. the mighty boosh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8K1fTZaR7w

Anonymous said...

...and back then I was zipping around on midget bikes.
...we ruled the streets amigo, no one saw it, but we created a friggin revolution.
...bombing the hills of the city by the bay and hanging out with Jefferson Starship.

Anonymous said...

why is the cycling community so resistant to recumbent frames? They’ve been around for almost 100 years now! Safer (you can put STRONG brakes on them w/o risking headers); faster (one won Paris-Brest-Paris in 1933, causing them to be outlawed for “bicycle” racing!); much more comfortable (no penis paralysis, neck strain, etc.). I’d love to have some of the innovations on this wish list added to my Easy Racers Gold Rush Replica, on which I’ve been putting thousands of miles a year on for some time now.

k. d. lung said...

So I'm moving to Portland OR to start up a bike manufacturing concern. The Portland Cement Bike Company. All of our bikes are made of 100% Portland Cement. I've got the road bike down to about 700 pounds. The mountain bike is like 2300 pounds. Each has an integral water bong and handy roachclip/handgrip combo. And several conviently mounted Pabst bottle openers. Lifetime unlimited warranty.

Single speeds available on special order.

bikesgonewild said...

...'two hats, one girl'...the sordid tale of a dandruff-problemed young woman & her obsession with 'head...& shoulders'...

Anonymous said...

...'two balls, one rub'...the sordid tale of a flacid-problemed wordsmart man & his obsession with 'head...& getting some'...

JDH said...

Anon 5:06- here in /Chi-towns sweaty undergarments(Quincy) we would call it a "Spicy Elmo".

Ayasha Kieth said...

Yeeeh.. That was really great. Bikers would be great and happy on that.. Awesome..

Bushwacker Fender Flares | Bestops

Anonymous said...

no pokey pokey
when you do
the smokey smokey

Anonymous said...

Did jensie say Johan is a cock gobbler?

ce said...

I've got two sheds. Living the dream.

paulb said...

Brooklyn knife guy just GETS IT: to prosper in the NYC economy, sell esoteric services and goods to the ultra-affluent. Applause.

Last Whole Earth Catalog (1972?) featured a man who cut, hammered, and ground knives out of leaf springs from the salvage yard. Anybody still have a copy who could post that entry?

paulb said...

I want to see a handmade video about Bikesnob! Solemn, b&w, slo-mo, and with fades and dissolves. I bet he can curse, drop his g's, and use words like "convergence" with the best of these new artisan college grads. I don't know about the knives, but Brooklyn Blade is a master of pseudo-modest marketing babble. They didn't teach him nothing at that school.

Anonymous said...

April Coughlin is hot!

webmarketing said...

He says the Thought Screen Helmet is the ne plus ultra in artisanally curated headwear.

It's going to the top of his Festivus wish list.

I don't have the heart to remind him folks exchange grievances not presents on Festivus.

regards
chicas desnudas
horoscopo del dia

skink said...

No surprise that Trolls are perverts.

Jasper said...

Hey Nonny Mouse,

Belated thanks on the clarification from a sassenach

Taylor said...

http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/45/kc_kensingtonbikegroper_2011_11_11_bk.html


come on BS... need some bike groper coverage!

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OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

http://www.xtraorbit.com/1366.html

Fixie Bikes said...

"You said you liked me."

Why you no get phone number then!?

Pierce said...

Anon 3:12 -- Thanks for the link. My dog enjoyed the Stop Alien Abduction website. He says the Thought Screen Helmet is the ne plus ultra in artisanally curated headwear. It's going to the top of his Festivus wish list. I don't have the heart to remind him folks exchange grievances not presents on Festivus.

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