Friday, November 4, 2011

BSNYC Friday Bake Sale and Power Lunch!

In New York City cycling circles, many people dream of a return to the "golden age" of cyclesport. You know, when Madison Square Garden was a hotbed of bicycle racing, and the only Knickerbockers you were likely to find in there were the old-timey pants. To this end, a "famed architect" has unveiled his plans for the New York Velodrome, which would be part of a proposed "cycling center" in Kingsbridge Armory in the Bronx:

Now, I'm not an architect, but I do see one glaring design flaw in this rendering, which is this: there is a ridiculously huge number of people in there! Don't get me wrong--I love the idea of a cycling center--but there's no way that many people are going to show up to watch six-day bike races. Sure, it's tempting to think that in a few years big companies will be wooing their clients with courtside velodrome seats, but I don't really see it happening. I mean, you can't even count on the "hipsters" anymore! Until recently, they at least would have pretended that they were dying to watch track racing. Now, though, if you went to Williamsburg and tried to drum up an audience, you'd probably meet with a lot of replies like this:

"Oooh, this is awkward. Yeah, we're all pretending to be into cyclocross now, sorry."

Hey, I like the idea of six-day races in New York City, but I'm just being realistic. Mainstream tastes are a little different these days, and I'm sure if you got Danny MacAskill in there hucking his bike off the rafters and onto people's heads you'd fill the place to capacity. I can imagine MacAskill ping-ponging all over a quasi-industrial stage set, and one of the "obstacles" could be David Blaine, who's suspended from the ceiling inside the trunk of a '98 Toyota Camry where he's been starving himself for months. The show will be a huck-tastic spectacular and an off-Broadway sensation.

Or, maybe the cycling center could host a thrilling speed-skater-vs-cycling match-up:

SpEeDsKaTeR verses CyCliSt - m4w - 100 (prospect park)
Date: 2011-11-02, 3:10PM EDT
Reply to:

we where chasing each other around the park. i was skating. you are lovely. you disappeared. you rode a mountain bike.

hope you had a good time.

maybe you'll get this...

I'm sorry I wasn't in the park that day because that must have been one of the most dork-tastic Cat 6 races of the year.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, a reader informs me that an "Occupy" protester in Oakland did some property damage with a U-lock:

This of course raises a compelling question full of all sorts of socio-political implications, and that question is this:

"So who's watching his bike?"

Think about it.

And while you're in a thinking mood, you might also ponder the implications of "changing youth migration patterns," to which I was alerted by another reader:

Yes, as far as young people are concerned, New York is "out," and Portland is "in." This is hardly surprising, and it's hard to imagine why any sensible young person would even want to move here in the first place. Indeed, over the years I've seen them come and I've seen them go [cue wistful music], and sooner or later everyone who moves here reaches a breaking point. This point is different from person to person, and it's always interesting to see what that point is. For example, I know one person who decided to leave New York after a wet rat crawled out of his toilet. In a normal city, people would have asked him how that even happens. In New York, all people wanted to know was, "So what are you going to do with your apartment?"

(By the way, the apartment's been fantastic--I just keep chicken wire over the bowl. Can't believe he left town, what a sucker.)

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be exuberant, and if you're wrong you'll see equilibrists.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride safely.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) "NFBHU" stands for:

--NĂ¼-Fred Bike Hate Unit

2) This product is called:

--The Uberhood
--The Cockpit Parasol
--A pair of revealing short-shorts

(Seriously, Fizik? Riders looking for their "inner animals.")

3) Saddle manufacturer Fizik believes all humans fit into one of three animal-themed taintal categories. What are they?

4) Modern bicycle messengers carry:

--Important documents
--Just like, you know, their own random stuff

5) Fill in the blank: "Fuck that hipster shit we ________________!"

--"Ride fixed gears"
--"Ride unicycles"
--"Ride pennyfarthings"
--"Engage in intellectual and recreational pursuits we find interesting regardless of whether or not they are regarded as trendy or popular."

6) Under which circumstances should you always wear a helment in New York City?

--When riding a bicycle
--When joining the Occupy Wall Street protests
--When riding a horse
--After some guy punches you in the head for your parking space

***Special Sub-Canadian History-Themed Bonus Question!***

(An Oregonian Hitchhiker Whale attempts to "fin" a ride to Seattle.)

Oregon, the place where they have Portland, became a US state in what year?

--Statehood still pending


greenpinkblue said...


Jasper said...

Early doors!

Jasper said...

Can't type fast enough...

SingleSpeedMark said...

I win. Something.
Funny post, as always...

JB said...


Anonymous said...

tooooop teeeeen

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

Top 10, at least...

sufferist said...

podium...good week for the S man.

Anonymous said...


dakotarick said...

Hot damn!!

PK said...

And that's how a bill becomes a law~

Anonymous said...

Why did the hipster move to portland?
heard there was no work there..

why did the hipster get a moped?
his legs got too big for his pants..

still walkin and rokin the cokpit mounted G4

Marcel Da Chump said...

I live a short bike ride from the Kingsbridge Armory.
I'm putting together a track bike with tubular tires. Bring on the velodrome.

OBA said...

If you build it, they will come. Especially if there's good beer on tap.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I'll slide in the top twenty. Read the post later. Sun is out.

streepo said...

How do you get a Bard graduate off your porch?

Pay them for the pizza.

TheTye said...


Billy said...

Top 20? Maybe for the first time! RSS updates are slow I guess.

Anonymous said...

There's a big wooden velodrome in Century City down in L.A. It was built for the Olympics I think. Is that thing generating any fans?

Anonymous said...

I been racing cross for years. Am I hip now? (I have sideburns).

mikeweb said...


How long is a six day race? Also, I heard that the Israelis had a six day war in homage to the golden age of track bicycle racing. Is this true?


Dingbat said...

Are you fucking kidding me? I'd pay cash money to watch a 100-year-old rollerblader chase a chick on a bike around Central Park. Or on a 'drome! New meaning to "pursuit" race, eh?

Surly Bastard said...

Top twenty-twoish. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

The way to make bike racing a big sport in the USA requires two things: 1. Install electronic noise makers under the seats - the faster the rider, the louder the sound until at 30 mph it is the volume of a 737 taking off. 2. Rig the bikes so that when they crash, they explode and burst into flames. Cycling will be on TV everyday, with news shows of sports jocks sitting around tables for hours discussing the latest event! -copyright 2012 Detroit Mac

crosspalms said...

I haven't been to the Velodrome in Chicago yet, but it opened in August and they plan to build a bigger one. Cool!

Surly Bastard said...

I dunno, you sure about that Oregon statehood date? I think it is still pending and I don't care how many times I have to watch that Equilwobblist video.

ant1 said...


Dark 'N' Stormy said...

That "Uber-Hood" assembly video is actually quite dirty! I can't believe that they didn't do that on purpose... Now I kinda want one

Anonymous said...

""Oooh, this is awkward. Yeah, we're all pretending to be into cyclocross now, sorry.""


Anonymous said...

you got #6 wrong wildcat bro machine, the correct answer is: you should always wear a helmet while part of your skull is being stored in your stomach while you are awaiting reconstructive surgery. Duh.

Anonymous said...

This may be old new for you but just in case...


Anonymous said...

Uberbabe has a very attractive mons pubis.

Anonymous said...


te he he he

Grandmaster FSA-SL said...

AWESOME-- the more jerkoffs who move to Portland the better NYC cycling gets... smug ** WHITEY ** by smug ** WHITEY ** who never should have moved to New York in the first place. See ya', schmucks!

re: an indoor velodrome, while I'm from-- and still love-- the Bronx, I think Floyd Bennett would be a better location; although there's subway access to Kingsbridge Armory, who'd really take it? Although, if it's shown more New England people than Long Islanders would come to race, I'd say give it to the Bronx.

All you Portlanders can suck my Bronx balls!

Anonymous said...

Add fire and pitbulls to the Velodrome and you may just have something. Otherwise it's just fucking gay.

Anonymous Coward said...

The wrong answer video could use some of the fictitious sell-out crowd from the velodrome rendering.

thad said...

Part of my PNW Bike-oh!-ween halloweekend.

I am so pumped on this photo. Sending the beach cruiser. I am the robot.

Anonymous Coward said...

The story line for the wrong answer vid goes something like this:
Three fine young men parade around showing off their mad fixie skilz. Two of them are forced to flee in shame as their demonstrably more talented compatriot revels in his victory.
Soon a vixen appears attempting to seduce the young men.
They take turns showing her the size and skilz of their unicycles in an apparent attempt to have her for their own.
Just when it appears that she has made her choice, they surprise her by revealing they only have eyes for each other.

Anonymous said...

Just read it.

Etherhuffer said...

Chicken wire over the toilet bowl? Kinda makes filling the sock for a Hot Karl kinda difficult.

Anonymous said...


db said...

I'm in NYC for three days, and it's fun to synch certain place names with Snob events.

Not sure I'd recommend a Cat 6 race in Central Park on Sunday, though. Apparently there's a big group run...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 1:35,
I can assure you there will be fire (blunts) and mad pitbulls.
The Bronx is hipster-free and I'm damn proud about it.

crosspalms said...

Other things that could spark interest in the Velodrome:



dynamite with a laser beam

Uberhood girl on podium with the Moet & Chandon

Anonymous said...

I wish Brooklyn was hipster-free. As for the Bronx, weren't there some hipsters down by the Deegan (near Willis Ave)? I recall some developer trying to lure a colony of whities there by setting up an art gallery and a coffee shop. So predictable...

CommieCanuck said...

WRM/RTMS..check your history, NY used to have 27 active wood velodromes in the early 1900s, and people used to pile into Madison Square to watch the "Madison" races. Major Taylor made more money than entire baseball teams.
Now, sports around NYC is all Blahsball..zzz.
I blame male America's secret fantasies around putting tubular meat in their mouths.

Anoyingmouse said...

We've got an indoor velodrome in Vancouver, and out of the 2 million or so people who live here, I've seen, maybe 50 people watching the 6 day race. Using a little mathiness there should be about 200 people in that NYC velodrome. I guess the rest are sewer rats who crawled out of the toilets?

CommieCanuck said...

Besides, they should build this velodrome just so people can occupy it, stick it to the man and still keep dry.

CommieCanuck said...

I guess the rest are sewer rats who crawled out of the toilets

Or..or..homeless people just looking for a place to, "send the Browns to the Superbowl".

Visegripmikey said...

Building a track is a great idea! Put in free wifi and make the stands so that it's a tiered coffee bar and it'll do just fine.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 3:13, you're right--
that's Bruckner Boulevard in the Mott Haven section:
Nice, quiet stretch of old floor-through walk-ups and a former factory condo loft conversion.
You have the occasional shooting and stabbing a few blocks away in the projects.
It takes balls, a risk/reward situation.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Snob-

You hit it on the head with NFBHU's. I've been reading this blog pretty much since its inception. Funny, but at the same time some of those fixies were pretty sweet.

It was always their idiotic riding style that I objected to. Every time I saw one of them piss of a driver I figured that driver would cut the next cyclist a lot less slack.

Anonymous said...

Eh, no funny comments today. I'm goin' back to bed.

Anonymous said...

From The Press Democrat today:

A protester from Occupy Santa Rosa climbed a 65-foot bicycle-part sculpture in Santa Rosa in the dark and cold early Friday, aiming to leave an “occupy” flag at the top.

Trouble was, once he got up there he froze.

“He realized he didn't have the energy. It's a lot easier to go up than it is to come down,” said Santa Rosa Battalion Chief Jack Piccinini.

The young man yelled for help. At about 4:30 a.m. someone heard him and called police, who found him atop the 10,000-pound obelisk of recycled bike parts standing off of Santa Rosa Avenue at A Street.

Santa Rosa firemen then were called. They arrived in their ladder truck and plucked him and the flag from the top, kind of like rescuing a cat stuck in a tall tree, said Piccinini.

The man, who wasn't identified, told firefighters he had been up there for about 30 minutes. Temperatures in Santa Rosa early Friday dipped into the low 30s.

The man was grateful for the rescue.

“He gave the guys a big hug,” Piccinini said.

Moth Have Velo said...

I love the NYC breaking point-- dipshits can't take the real thing so they'll go whining back to nearly all-white (with some Asian) Portland and pretend their racism is "evolution." Lemme see, why might not there be many black folks in Oregon? Hmmmmm...

Marcel da Chump, kudos on knowing the city, maybe we'll do Kingsbridge hill repeats sometime this winter.

ce said...

I would just give bowl rat a name. It would help to normalize the situation. "Good morning Karl, just mind your head, I'll only be a minute". Though, I suppose for you the toilet is also an office chair, where you spend long hours typing up posts. It wouldn't be fair on Karl, might have to relocate him to the Kitchen.

Marcel Da Chump said...

@Moth Have Velo
by "Moth", I'm wondering if you're referencing the track bike designed by Emy Hoffman, back in the day.

I could barely climb Gunhill Rd, right now.

Anonymous said...

I live a short cock ride from the Smells like Tuna Strip Club.
I'm putting together a crack pipe with tubular vibes. Bring on the midgets.

Anonymous said...

Love your blog Snob, but #6? Poor taste, and not even cycling related.

Vegas said...

Damn homeless jobless freeloadin hippie whale made me miss the Bonus question. Seems to me the right answer vid is a far worse punishment than the wrong one, though.

skink said...

Anon 5:45 sounds like he wants a long cock ride.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:35,
I can assure you there will be fire breathing orgs and midgets in leather.
The Bronx is loaded with wussies and I'm damn proud about it.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:54
Is that owned by the same people who have the 'Smells like Fish Banquet Hall and Bingo Parlor'?
It is Friday night and I have a mad hankering for bingo.

Vegas said...

Anon 5:48
How is it in poor taste to have a question outlining the danger all around us, and relate that to a current news article? And do we seriously have to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with every Snob reference back to bicycles? Especially when it's only 2 degrees? Brain damage helmet->bike helment

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I admit it I didn't watch the uberhood video the other day. But I did get the quiz question right -now I see the error of my ways.

Anonymous said...

Anon 5:48
How is it in poor taste to have a proposition outlining the danger of feral midgets, and relate that to a current Kardashian sex tape? And do we seriously have to play Six Degrees of naked Kevin Bacon twister with every Snob's un-mangroomed back while riding bicycles? Especially when it's only 2 degrees (no penetration)? the band helmet->my little guys helmet

Quilled and lugged said...

Anon @ 6:36 - looks like someone has been overdoing the bingo

Anonymous said...

Sweet little ninja-foot on der uberchick.
Can't believe that crazy fucking dangerous product is even on the market, though.
The umbrella, not the ninja-foot.
I'm not sure of its market status.

Joe Monk Wolf said...

Who let twelve year old in?

leroy said...

How does a wet rat crawl out of a toilet?

Very slowly, according to my dog.

Especially if the rodent was drinking daiquiris out of the toilet and fell in.

This weekend, my dog is making Margaritas in the bath tub and inviting his buddies over.

That would make anyone leave town.

Ride safe all (especially if you're leaving town or as some folks call it "Pulling a Prolly")!

leroy said...

db- welcome to NY.

If you meet my dog and he asks what you're drinking, stick with bottled beer. It's safest.

Of course, if you're running the marathon, drink whatever you like.

Hydration is important.

Good luck!

ENDO WRLD said...

I'm a snake but I prefer wide-ish saddles.
Touching your toes? Seriously?
That's the criterium for saddle selection?

If you can't touch your toes, I suggest a daily stretching routine.

"... part of her skull is being stored in her abdomen while she awaits constructive surgery."


samh said...

Non-Fat Bacon Ham Union

Anonymous said...

Nice blog I must say you are a great writer

paulb said...

Kingsbridge Armory velodrome: Bikesnob, you never know... The subway stop is RIGHT THERE. Plus a BMX/skate course? I love retail but I love this idea more. Now that Kingsbridge Armory is solved, when will NYC get a year-round water park?

A. Lord Douchington XXIV said...

Douches' to the right of them,
Douches' to the left of them,
Douches' in front of them
  Douche'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with douche' and bag,
Boldly they douched' and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the major douches'.

Joe Monk Wolf said...

There are two subway stops at Kingsbridge, the 4, right next to the Armory, and the D, three short blocks away.
If they allow gambling on the races--fuggedabouit!
Keirin in the hood.
The fix is in. Wanna bet?

Blind Harry Palms said...

No ReCUMbabe Today?


Is that a Surley Big Rummy Recumbent that Recumbabe reclines upon?

Rumor has it that the Surley Big Rummy Recumbent has a 5 litre rum reservior and is capable of delivering a 24 hour Rum iv drip.

A day without Recumbabe is like a day without manually climaxing. Just Satin!

A.Lord Douchington XXIII said...

That was not my kid.
He's a no-class, pretender.
We do not raise our own
to insult the less fortunate.

Dudelee Douche'right said...

Check it out

Fully organic free range bamboo SPD shoes with five inch heels ...

Anonymous said...

Portland strikes again.....

hey nonny mouse

Irving Douche'stein DDS said...

Dude won NYC marathon in 02:05:06.

I did the same course in 01:55:15.

Of course I was on my bike. Does that count?

I did it in my car in 05:55:59.

MINUTE MAN said...

I did in my car one time, took like 2 minutes

Technium said...

it, I did IT

foot said...

I'm hurting.

Anonymous said...

Don't be hating on Macaskill. Come now.

Cosell said...

The most exciting part of a marathon
ia when someone shits.

Anonymous said...

Sweet. Friday posts on monday are so in. way too many chives on the monday comments right now.

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OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

Fixie Bikes said...

Yeah no way that many people are gonna watch people bike in a circle.