BSNYC Friday Whatever You Call It!

Are you a sentient being? Do you like bikes? Do you either live in or else constantly fantasize about visiting the dazzlingly glamorous city of Philadelphia? Well, if you answered "Whuh...?" to any of these questions, then come visit the Philadelphia Bike Expo on October 29th and 30th!

Despite the fact that I'm not an artisan, or an activist, or even an alternative (well, I suppose I'm technically an alternative to the Melbourne Bike Snob), I'll be giving some sort of seminar-shaped thingy on that Saturday afternoon. Will this seminar be my thinly-veiled attempt to sell you a time-share in Boca Raton? Maybe. Will I endeavor to make it enjoyable? Certainly. Will the four people who actually bother to show only do so in order to pelt me with cheese steaks, which is otherwise known as a "Philadelphia standing ovation?" I hope not. Either way, you might as well come, because what else are you going to do in Philadelphia anyway, stand slack-jawed in front of the Liberty Bell?

By the way, I understand that the show is going to have something of a mountain bike theme, and a reader recently forwarded this image of what is clearly going to be the Mountain Bike Handlebar of the Future:

Now, maybe I'm just slow, but I think 25mph in this scenario is rather ambitious. In fact, from what I've seen out there, the speed at which a typical mountain bike dork goes "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" is somewhere in the mid-single digits. This means 25mph would be more than sufficient to melt the visor from his helmet and blow the goatee off his face. Then again, one explanation for the brisk pace could be the complete absence of brake levers. Apart from that, sure, I think there's tremendous potential in an off-road handlebar that looks eerily like a digital rectal thermometer.

Of course, the big question is: "Will the Philly Bike Expo have a Lycra fashion show?" I don't know, but even if they did they'd be hard-pressed to match the exuberance of this one at Eurobike which was forwarded to me by another reader:



That's nothing less than "flambullience" in motion.

And from the runway to the sidewalk, I was perusing my Tweeting account this morning where I came upon this article about the latest controversy in Williamsburg:


Basically, it's a "Yiddish yield sign:"

“There are some hard-core Hasidim in Williamsburg who think they still live in 19th-century Ukraine and they consider interaction between the sexes, in even the most casual, accidental manner to be licentious,” said bike shop owner Baruch Herzfeld. “They are enormous pains in the tuchis, and most people try to avoid conflict, so they often get their way.”

Doth your menstrual cup runneth over with rage? I know mine doth, and if nothing else this should offer some additional perspective on the old "Hipster vs. Hasidim" controversy. (Though in this case the controversy is self-contained among the Hasidim.) Meanwhile, not to be outdone, neighboring "hilpsters" posted signs in helvetica imploring the minimally-tattooed to move aside for their fellow "hilpsters" with full sleeves. As for whether a Hasidic man should yield to a fully-tattooed "hilpster" or vice versa, this is still a matter of some debate, though there are those who argue that in this situation it should ultimately come down to beard length.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll get the right of way on your next perambulation, and if you're wrong you'll see a compelling argument for nationwide mandatory bicycle registration.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always yield to common sense.

--Wildcat Rockmanstein

1) What kind of pants is this man wearing?

--Plus fours

--Plus fives

--Minus sixes

--Crotchless

2) This pie plate once belonged to which salmoning celebrity?

--Matthew Modine
--Jake Gyllenhaal
--Maggie Gyllenhall
--Pierce Brosnan

3) At today's exchange rate, how many American dollars (or "USA Fun Tickets") would it take you to become a Canadian millionaire?

--US$1,001,987.65

--US$970,928.21

--About sixteen bucks
--Canada is a socialist country, therefore it is impossible to be a Canadian millionaire

4) According to the New York Times's "The Ethicist," what is the best course of action when a food delivery person locks his bike to yours?

--Leave and come back later after he's completed his delivery

--Find a building superintendent who can cut the lock for you

--Talk to the delivery person's boss

--Quit complaining or else move to Canada

5) In Paris, fixie riders use top tube baguettes.

--True

--False

6) What is this?

--An extreme magnification of the common cold virus
--A diagram of a sheep's ovaries
--A piece of art recently purchased for ₤3.2 million by sprinter Mark "The Man(x) Missile" Cavendish
--The US Cycling Monument: a sculptural celebration of the sport of cycling

(This menace has been around for awhile.)

7) The latest menace in Australia is:

--Motorized bikes

--Pedal-powered cars

--Recumbents exceeding the speed limit

--Canadians

***Special Grab-Bag-Of-Interchangeable-Quasi-Morbid-Band-Names-Themed Bonus Question***

Which is not the name of a band cited in a recent New Yorker essay on "black metal?"

--Liturgy

--Wolves in the Throne Room

--Krallice

--Dark Wings of Douche